Special Note: To the reviewer, Sake (not logged into any account), who has steadfastly kept up with my writing for more than a year... you said Heero was "much more open with his feelings" in the last chapter. Prepare yourself, my friend. I've been waiting a long time to publish what comes next. Particularly I've been waiting for this chapter, though also the following ones.
Regular Note: I've been waiting more than six months for this chapter. It started out as an extra long entry I broke into multiple chapters (upcoming) and ultimately ended up being more than 3 times longer than when I divided it. The only downside is my lack of time to review it like normal before publishing, because I'm a slow reader.
I didn't want to break the flow and slow down the plot by giving far too many chapters to this section of the story, so this kicks off a couple of much longer than usual chapters that dive into a whole lot of feelings. Grab a blanket or your favorite hoodie, make yourself a cup of tea, and settle in.
Though it's not necessary to read the Shattered series to understand this chapter, there will be references to those prequel short stories I wrote, as that is all about how Heero experienced their prior relationship before Duo disappeared for 4 years. If you skipped Shattered and are curious, maybe now's a good time to read it? Again, it's not necessary to read in order to follow what's happening in So Close. I consider it supplementary, a little color to fully flesh things out. Though reading this section of So Close will spoil a bit of that series.
Hope you enjoy what's to come as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Chapter 69: Jinhae
Just as the words "affirmative, 02" settled in his mind, soft lips met and Duo instantly granted Heero's tongue access without him needing to gently ask. The kiss was exactly as Heero said: affirming. Their arms wrapped around each other, pulling close.
Everything felt right again.
Soon Heero was straddling him with his knees on either side of his hips. He reached under Duo's arms to drag him fully into bed until his legs and feet no longer hung off the side. Duo loved how strong Heero was. His partner didn't even strain as he moved him like he weighed nothing. That strength combined with his gentle touch always turned him on. It would be easy for Heero to accidentally hurt him, but he never did, which made his tender actions all the more intentional. The way Heero removed his shirt was featherlight, almost reverent. His hands and lips made deliberately soft contact.
He couldn't wait to respond in kind.
That was when a new panic, one he'd never experienced before, started to creep into the back of his mind. Heero was kissing him, his hands freely roaming his body as they worked their way towards closer touch. At what point would he come across that damn scar again? Would Heero truly be able to move past that which tore them apart?
He felt an electric tickle on his neck from Heero's breath, followed by another when he moved and messy dark hair caressed his jaw. That was when he realized instead of Heero panicking, it was him. Could he survive another instance of his partner's guilt killing the mood? Could their relationship survive if Heero once again was completely turned off by part of his body? Last time they were in a similarly compromising position he was assured ahead of time everything was fine. It didn't end well.
He tried desperately to control his breathing, closing his eyes and struggling to stay calm.
Only when fiery kisses ran along his chest did he understand that Heero had just kissed his way down and past the scar, seemingly with ease. Whatever quest Heero undertook in those weeks he spent MIA seemed to have paid off. He felt his chest tighten and his heart beat wildly. Heero noticed, too. When he looked up with concern and confusion Duo couldn't help but smile at captivating and wide pools of blue. Something about that look in Heero's eyes gave him a burst of energy, and he swung a leg over Heero's and spun the Japanese man to flip their positions.
Those blue eyes were still fixed on his, not darting away to see the scar. Heero smiled, a little surprised by the change in Duo's energy but clearly enjoying seeing him so lively. He reached up to move Duo's hair out of his eyes and tuck it behind his ear, even though with Duo above him it was pointless to fight gravity. His hand lingered for a moment to caress the side of Duo's face and then as it came back down it brushed against his neck. He didn't flinch at the feel of scar tissue. Instead, he caressed it, and leaned forward to lay a kiss against the smooth, shiny skin.
Duo shuddered, and involuntarily closed his eyes. When he composed himself he looked down to meet Heero's gaze.
"I know that couldn't have been easy for you. I know you're probably still very uncomfortable and you're powering through. But I appreciate to the colonies and back how you won't let that get in the way anymore." He brushed a hand against Heero's cheek. "I promise you that over time you really will stop feeling guilty. That you won't have to try so hard." He leaned down and placed a gentle kiss to Heero's lips before sitting upright again. "Fuck, Ro. I'm so proud of you. The therapy, the reading, reaching out to others... I don't know if I'm worth it, but I'll try my damnedest to be."
A sweet smile crept onto Heero's face, slowly gaining confidence as he realized they really were connecting. This was what he worked so hard to achieve. This was the culmination of years of soul searching and adjustment so he could connect with another person openly and honestly.
"It wasn't just for you. It was for me, too. But you're worth it and more, and one day you'll have to stop devaluing yourself. You've always been worth it. You're worth the whole damn galaxy." Then, as though it was the most natural thing in the world, he whispered "I missed you. So much."
Duo's smile reached his eyes for the first time in more than a month. Those words meant more to him than any other. He figured out years ago that I missed you was Heero's way of saying I love you back in the days when he avoided the word love. He almost preferred the original phrasing.
This quest to say love had only brought them pain, and Duo still wasn't comfortable saying it in his own head, let alone out loud. Even knowing how much it meant for Heero to hear it, he just couldn't. He had his own personal hurdles to overcome before the word was an option, and he hoped the wait wouldn't hurt his partner too badly.
With everything in him he wished that his partner could read him well enough to know just how badly he wanted to respond with "I love you, too."
His brilliant smile proved just about easy enough to read.
Heero reveled in that loving smile. He couldn't recall the last time he saw a genuine smile from Duo that wasn't marred by something obviously holding him back. This time it was open, and the smile given freely. He'd seen that look from Duo before, but he'd never seen it directed at anyone other than himself. It occurred to him that Duo might be looking at him in that same kind of way Quatre and Trowa looked at each other. The same way Wufei snuck glances towards Sally when he thought no one was paying attention.
Everything clicked into place, and he knew what he needed to do next.
Gently, he guided Duo until he laid on his back. For a moment he hovered over him, barely containing his feelings, until he softly declared "I'll be right back. Don't move."
He extracted himself from the bed.
A little confused, Duo complied with the request, but almost instantly became restless. That look in Heero's eyes was one he'd never seen before in the half a lifetime they'd known each other. It spoke of mischief. It spoke of affection. It spoke of surprise. What could Heero possibly need to do right at that moment to spark such a look in his eyes?
It didn't take long to find out, because Heero hadn't gone very far, and Duo only needed to turn his head to see him.
After leaving his bed behind, Heero opened a closet door and pulled out a large case. Immediately curious about whatever was taller than Heero, Duo sat upright and pulled his legs under him, watching as Heero gingerly laid the case on the floor and began to open it. He didn't know what to expect. Under another circumstance he would think Heero was showing him a weapons stash. Under no circumstance did he expect a beautiful wooden instrument to emerge from that case.
He wanted to ask what it was, but something in Heero's respectful movements stopped him. The man looked incredibly ready for whatever he was about to do. His motions were practiced, and it was clear that he'd set this instrument up many times before. But for Duo the suspension of disbelief was dizzying.
Heero Yuy had a musical instrument in his home?
Since when did he have a musical hobby?
How much about Heero did he miss in the years he was gone?
By the looks of it, a lot.
Heero, meanwhile, was ready.
He hadn't planned in advance when to reveal to Duo that he played the koto, but that look in those eyes he loved, that very special smile, made him just know. And it almost made him laugh.
Keiko told him he'd know when he was ready to play for Duo. She told him he'd know when Duo was ready to hear him. He thought she was just saying that because it sounded wise, or good, or just straight up helped to placate him when he was down. But she was right. And to his shock, both those times aligned, and they arrived at being ready together.
The nervousness he expected to feel did not factor, because to his surprise it didn't exist. Taking out his instrument and setting it up felt as natural in front of Duo as it did at Keiko's house. Normally he was anxious to play in front of anyone other than Keiko and her granddaughter. An academic setting felt safer to express himself, but not always. There was one time during a lesson that a neighbor dropped by to talk to his teacher. He froze, unable to play a single note.
Once he found his stride in playing music, he realized that the sounds he produced were an extension of himself. It was raw, and honest, with no real way to hide any mistakes or any emotions. In order to play well he needed to put feeling into the notes, and that meant bearing his soul. It was terrifying to open that up to another person.
But Duo wasn't just anyone.
Quietly he brushed a hand along the smooth wooden surface, and then went about setting the bridges into place and tuning his koto. It was laughably easy. In his mind he quietly thanked Keiko for urging him to come to her home for additional lessons while he was on leave from work. Not only did she talk through his grief with him, but she gave him something to focus on with the additional practice.
It was no coincidence she insisted he play only Midnight Rain again and again until he knew it like an extension of himself. She was a wise woman, telling him time and again that it was not only therapeutic for him to play the song, but the extra practice would prepare him for the day he opened up and expressed his love through his sound. She even once suggested that perhaps he could bring Duo to her home, some day in the near future, and they could play the full, original duet together for him. Keiko was nothing but encouraging when it came to him articulating his feelings through music.
All that extra work gave him confidence place the bridges without double checking each string with a digital tuning device. Keiko always frowned when he did that, and he'd heard dozens of times over the years how he should trust his hands and his ear. The koto, she insisted, well pre-dates digital technology. She'd scoff at his reliance on tech, and one extra frustrating day told him to grow a spine and trust yourself, pointing out that he successfully moved bridges and effectively re-tuned his instrument during songs with key changes, so he clearly knew what pitch each string should sound like and where those bridges needed to go. Her eyes bore into him when she stated the obvious, that this particular song didn't change keys.
She was annoyingly right.
Once he realized he had the ability to tune without extra help, he felt an added freedom when playing. The first time he tuned his instrument right felt like the first time he piloted without relying on a computer. It was extraordinarily self-assuring, and he was about to take a leap and display the confident man he'd become.
But it didn't feel like a leap. It felt effortlessly natural.
He noticed Duo's eyes on him, and appreciated how the normally talkative man watched in silence. He placed plectrums on his fingers and softly closed his hand to feel them run along his palm with the slightest scrape across his skin. It was a habit he picked up, a ritual only for himself that grounded and focused him on his task. Softly, to not make too loud of a sound, he ran the plectrums up the scale to check his bridge positions. They were right. He'd played the song enough to know them by muscle memory. Without preamble, he took a deep breath, readied his hands, and began to play.
Hearing the instrument tuned captivated Duo, but nothing prepared him for Heero playing in earnest.
From the very first wave of notes, Duo was fully entranced, shocked by the powerful sound that filed the room when Heero ran his fingers along the strings, up and down the scale. It fascinated him to watch Heero's hands shift from a front and back glide to tapping the strings with an open palm. Then, after a slight pause, a second hand joined to gently pluck the strings with delicate motion. It would take a little time to decipher what exactly he was feeling.
He always liked music, but he especially appreciated live performances, having such limited experience with them in his youth. Something about the way the sound hit him was wildly different from any recording coming from a speaker. The vibration and tone were pointed, and he could feel the music on his skin, the tone resonating through his bones.
But to have such a sensation come from Heero...
Back in boarding school, during Meteor, he laughed at the students who flocked with stars in their eyes to any random person serviceably playing guitar on campus. Now he understood them. Those kids pretended music was being played just for them, probably also by someone they fancied. And now, for the first time, music was absolutely being played for him and him alone, by someone he definitely fancied, who was, by all accounts, expressing his love through song. It was, if nothing else, a bit embarrassing.
He wouldn't trade the experience for anything.
Though he didn't know the song it felt oddly familiar. It felt like a memory. The melody was steady and reassuring, with bouts of energy and excitement. He continued to feel each note on his skin and all around him. And when it slowed and dropped out, he held his breath.
Then it was back, stronger and more playful, just as steady as before.
Watching Heero play, his deft hands flying quickly across the strings, his eyes closing at times while muscle memory dictated his movement, was surreal. He wondered how many people heard Heero play, and hoped it wasn't too many. The idea that he was gifted this experience because he was special was one he didn't want to let go of no matter how selfish the thought.
It slowed again, and he worried the song might be over. But Heero's eyes were still closed, his hands still hovering. And in short order he was playing once more. The tone was rich, strong, and above all else incredibly gentle. Though he'd heard Quatre and Trowa play musical instruments before he'd never heard them play with such expression. But he was never romantically inclined to either of those men. Maybe how he felt about Heero changed how he interpreted the sound, but it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever heard.
He wanted to close his eyes and enjoy it, as he often found himself doing when listening to music that affected him, but he didn't want to miss a moment of watching Heero play.
For Duo, the song lasted forever but ended too soon. As the last notes resonated, Heero locked eyes with him. He felt his skin residually vibrating from the sound. He felt his heart beating a little more quickly from excitement. He knew he was grinning widely and he couldn't control his expression at all, and for the first time in a long while he truly didn't want that control.
He also had no idea what to say.
It quickly became evident that Heero was waiting for him to speak first, and he couldn't blame the guy. One of them just poured his heart into an artistic expression, so the least the other could do was break their silence first.
But Duo wasn't eager to change anything at all. He wanted to enjoy that electricity against his skin a little longer. He wanted to draw the moment out.
"Heero, that was..."
"Yes?"
The searching tone of his voice stirred something in Duo he couldn't name.
"I... that was... beautiful. You are incredibly skilled. When did you learn to play?"
"I've been taking lessons for about two and a half years."
"What's the instrument called?"
"The koto."
Duo perked up at that. "You mentioned a koto teacher. She gave you excellent advice."
Unexpected pride grew in Heero. He was happy that Duo remembered, and extra happy he appeared to hold Keiko in high regards. The woman was important to him, and he hoped maybe to introduce her to Duo one day. It would be the closest he'd ever get to bringing a significant other home to his family. Meeting his friends was one thing, though obviously Duo already met them ages ago. But meeting Keiko was somehow sacred, especially after all she did for him in the past several weeks. Her guidance and care was everything he imagined a supportive family would feel like.
"Yes. She's a lovely woman."
"She pick that song?"
He hesitated, not sure how much he wanted to reveal just yet.
"Yes. We'd only listened to it in class, but she immediately wrote a solo arrangement for me and surprised me with it the following week. According to Keiko, when she saw me listening to the song she knew it was my song and I needed to be able to play it."
Duo's eyes shimmered with unknown emotion and he nodded slightly.
"She's smart. And she's right. It sounded like..."
"Like what?"
Duo noticed that damn searching tone was still there in Heero's voice, and lost his nerve.
"It's nothing. It's... embarrassing. Forget it."
Heero smiled gently at him and placed his plectrums aside. "I have grown to appreciate embarrassing." He watched Duo squirm and added "please tell me?" The way Duo immediately crumbled upon himself delighted him to no end. No matter how embarrassed, his baka was unable to deny him a simple request and something about that was thrilling. In the back of his mind he thought Keiko was right.
"It's stupid, Ro. But... You remember... Jinhae?"
He tried his best to hide his joy. He struggled not to smile widely at Duo, who'd looked away before making his confession. Of course he remembered their time in Jinhae. That was exactly the memory that came to mind when he played Midnight Rain. Une sent them on a mission to Busan, and they tailed their mark out of the city and to Jinhae. The idiot got arrested by local authorities on an old outstanding warrant and his 48 hours of detention freed up time for the two of them. It was unusual to have down time while traveling for the Preventers.
"Yes, I recall that trip."
Duo kept his eyes focused on a spot on the floor. He was blushing, and nothing could make Heero more happy.
"It's just... Shit. This is going to sound so stupid but it reminds me of that second day in Jinhae."
"When it rained, and you took a long walk along the Yeojwa Stream even though it was June and the cherry blossoms were long gone?" The look of surprise on Duo's face when his attention snapped back to him was priceless. "Not many people were out that day, and everyone other than you had an umbrella."
Duo looked utterly confused.
"What?"
"You were more relaxed than I'd ever seen you up until that point. It would be easy to look pathetic or sad, drenched and walking alone in the rain. But you looked content. Happy. Full of life."
"Heero..." Something flashed in Duo's eyes. "You didn't take that walk with me." When he didn't reply Duo forged ahead, a little more confident in his words. "You found me on the footbridge. I'd been there for a good 20 minutes at that point, listening to the rain and enjoying the feeling of it on my skin."
And with that, Heero knew it was time to come clean.
"When the weather turned I went out to find you. I brought a large umbrella, and a compact second one if you'd prefer your own. It didn't take long to find you, and I just couldn't bring myself to break your mood. So I tailed you for an hour until it was sunny and by some miracle the rain didn't stop and you were just glowing in that warm sunlight, rain sparkling around you."
The surprise on Duo's face was priceless.
"You tailed me for an hour before you approached with that umbrella?"
"And hour before you stopped on that bridge, yeah."
He wasn't sure Duo's eyes could get wider.
With amusement in his voice, Heero continued. "It's not every day Duo Maxwell can be tailed without him noticing, but I think the sound of the rain helped disguise me. I was a little disappointed to finally approach you, worried that I would ruin the spell you were under. But when you saw me that didn't happen at all. You looked even happier. The smile on your face when you told me you'd never been able to enjoy a walk in the rain before, that once you got to Earth you were always working or on a mission and never had time... Duo. You looked so happy, and so handsome, and so excited to share that moment with me, I just wanted to stop time."
And then he finally recognized it, in Duo's eyes. It was unmistakable, just like Keiko predicted. There was no doubt anymore that Duo, whether he was ready to admit it or not, was in love with him. Keiko said if he's not head over heels in love with you he will be by the time you finish playing, and he wasn't foolish enough to think playing his koto made Duo fall in love. But he did believe that playing him what he'd long considered in private to be a song intimately tied to their relationship helped pull down a barrier between them and open up that new light in Duo's eyes.
Keiko, he thought, was going to get a very fancy dessert and the best orchid he could find when he showed up for his next lesson.
In one motion he stood from his place on the floor in front of his koto. That look in Duo's eyes didn't waiver once as he stepped around the instrument and approached the bed where his love was waiting for him, stunned. He climbed onto the mattress and sat beside Duo, taking his hand and facing him.
"It's no coincidence that after Jinhae we found ourselves in a committed relationship. When I watched you on that walk, when I saw that unbridled joy when you finally saw me standing nearby, it affirmed what I already knew. That I wanted you in my life for more than convenient hook ups and working together at Preventers."
A puzzled but happy look from Duo filled his heart.
"Who are you? When did you become the romantic between us?"
Heero squeezed the hand he held and replied.
"From the start. You were always more outgoing and you flirted when I didn't, but you were never very romantic. You're kind of terrible at romance." Duo chucked and Heero couldn't hide his own grin. "You took a solo mission on our first anniversary without thinking twice because you forgot it. Like you did every year. You didn't realize when it was just the two of us that I wanted to kiss you to ring in the new year and instead you ran off to grab another drink. I know we're not big on Valentine's but our first one, when I wasn't sure if we were going to be a couple who cared, I left a card in your desk at work and you gave me a fist bump and whispered thanks. For my birthday you gifted me a ballistic vest."
"Okay first of all we'd not discussed if we were going to be one of those Valentine's Day couples." Duo's need to rebuttal entertained him to no end. "It's a stupid, corporate holiday, and you caught me at a weird time. I think I get a pass that year. Plus I wasn't even the least romantic person among our friends that day. Didn't Wufei show up to dinner just to dump his girlfriend?" Heero nodded. He'd won a bet with Trowa about Wufei's date.
He saw Duo pull out his wide-eyed pleading look and knew a full defense was being mounted. "And the ballistic vest was thoughtful!" Duo sounded hurt, but with a self-deprecating and playful tone. It was clear he knew he was being called out, but still felt the need to weakly justify his actions. "You'd just gotten shot a couple weeks earlier and the vest you'd worn that day was toast! It was a gift that said I want you alive and here with me, what's wrong with that?"
Hero raised Duo's hand and placed a kiss on his knuckles.
"My sweet baka, you do know I get my gear from the Preventers armory, right?"
Duo looked flustered, and snatched his hand away, mumbling something about practical gifts and how the vest had a custom design and it was romantic if you only thought outside the box, unlike Mr Romance.
Heero recalled Keiko accusing him of being the most romantic person she'd ever known, and his grin turned into a broad smile. "I was the always romantic one between us. Even when I was too emotionally stunted to openly be with you, even when I was so stupid I took missions for Relena's security and skipped our plans, I was always home for our anniversary. I was always home to spend your legal birthday with you, though the day was only chosen for paperwork reasons. And it was me who cooked us intimate meals, sometimes served by candlelight."
Duo suddenly looked a bit hurt, and said something under his breath that sounded like it could be an accusation he couldn't quite hear. He asked him to repeat himself. With an odd and almost guilty quality Duo spoke more clearly. His words stung.
"You cooked for us because you wouldn't dine in public with me unless it was with someone else, or a very platonic bros kind of meal. You were only affectionate, you only risked even appearing affectionate, or romantic, behind closed doors."
Heero's smile diminished. Duo continued, his voice soft, firm, and a little wistful. He didn't sound hurt, but he did sound like he was remembering old wounds.
"I wasn't totally oblivious. I purposefully picked a reason not to be near you when the clock struck twelve because I wasn't sure you were okay with a kiss to ring in the year, and I didn't want to risk pain if you still kept your distance even in private. It fuckin hurt when you stepped away from me the year before, out on Relena's balcony. I mean we weren't even touching, and you increased the distance between us like you were terrified someone would get the wrong, or I guess right, idea about us. And I was also still angry about Relena's stunt. I wanted you to hurt even a fraction of how I did at her party." Duo bit his lower lip and withheld some of his emotions. "I was mortified to find that I loved that stupid Valentine you snuck into my desk. It's an idiotic holiday but your words, which weren't romantic," he eyed him as though winning points in a game "were direct and honest. I kept that card for years."
He brought a hand up to rub his temple and Heero noted how tired Duo looked all of the sudden.
"I knew when our anniversary was. I just didn't want to give you the chance to forget it first. And I didn't know, until now, that you'd remembered. I thought you might have, but you never really said it clearly. You and I... we weren't often clear with each other. I tested you, unfairly, because with your constant hot and cold I couldn't be sure you were as invested as I was. I was afraid to tell you the experiences I wanted because then it might feel like you were going down a checklist of relationship duties rather than acting on your own free will. It's pretty difficult to allow yourself to be romantic when you're that unsure of where you stand."
Heero felt a hollow pain in his chest. He'd never really known the reach of his public actions and how much they impacted Duo's behavior and trust in him. There were times he came perilously close to understanding, but he failed. Years ago he wasn't mature enough to understand that caring for someone only behind closed doors was cruel, and that it simply teased what they could have had all the time. His stupid actions, coupled with their early misunderstandings, gave them a rocky foundation that set them up for failure. When he thought he was being sweet, Duo was second guessing his motives. He never forgot when Duo accused him of using kindness as a trap. It hurt tremendously, for years. And it took a long time to understand that his accusation didn't come out of nowhere. He knew his actions, just like his inactions, were to blame. It was all the more reason to be happy they were communicating now.
The foundation they were building was solid, honest, and in his opinion had the potential to be much stronger than gundanium.
Unfortunately, at the moment Duo looked horribly uncomfortable.
"I'm... so sorry, Duo. Maybe deep down I knew I was making up for a lot of poor behavior the rest of the year. I should have skipped cooking in private and taken you out on a date. I should have told our friends we were together instead of hiding what we were. It would have prevented you getting hurt so many times, including that New Year's party at Relena's. I should have been there at your bedside when you were in the hospital instead of being there on a made-up birthday you don't even care about. I should have let you lean your head on my shoulder in public instead of pushing you away from me while others were watching. I did a lot wrong."
The way Duo looked at him broke his heart. It hurt to see how much pain he caused the person he loved, but if he didn't take responsibility and face it, he couldn't really begin to make things right.
"It's extra hard for me, you know?" Duo shifted, unable to find a position that made him feel less emotionally exposed while talking, even while his voice gave away his insecurity. "Because our biggest problem, the only real problem we had was your obsession with keeping us a secret. You were so paranoid about our feelings becoming a liability, so completely unwilling to allow yourself a known vulnerability..." He sighed. "If we ignore the outside world, and focused on everything behind closed doors, I think we were pretty okay. Or as okay as we could've been, that soon after the wars. But life doesn't happen like that, and we fell apart. And now you're... not like that at all. I was worried things would be the same but everyone knows about us." His voice became urgent.
"The guys, Une, Sally, Noin, Zechs... everyone knows! Your neighbors know. The waitress down at the diner knows. Hell, strangers know after you kissed me on the street. Relena knows, and isn't trying to pretend she doesn't. It's such a turnaround I'm having trouble with it. Like a massive over-correction and I'm worried we're gonna veer off course!"
"I told Relena, back then."
The way Heero blurted out those words stopped Duo cold.
"I told her. Right before you disappeared. I asked her to stop setting me up with people and I told her we were in a relationship."
Duo was visibly stunned.
"What?"
"You were right. I saw it then, how she knew what she was doing, trying to come between us."
Anger flared up in Duo's eyes.
"Then why the hell are you still best buds with her?" He recoiled from Heero and moved to increase the distance between them on the bed. "Why would you do that?"
"Because when you left she was the only person I could talk to about you!"
They stared at one another, trying to size up what the other was feeling and thinking. Duo looked like he wanted a better answer, and Heero looked a bit afraid to disclose anything further. He reminded himself they were being honest and open, and took a deep breath before elaborating.
"I just... I couldn't tell the others we were together and you'd run away because of me. It was too much. I lost you, I lost my partner at work, I lost what grounded me to life after the wars. I was guilty and angry and not dealing well. But Relena already knew. And she tried very hard to apologize to me. She practically begged. And I guess while hurting that much I just needed someone, you know?"
Expressive, vulnerable eyes fixed on Heero's, striking him directly in his heart.
"Yeah. I know. I needed someone, too." Duo left a lot unspoken in that response, and they both knew it.
For a long moment they just maintained eye contact, neither willing to address what Duo alluded to. Heero kept quiet because he felt like a jackass for complaining when he knew his experience didn't compare to what Duo went through, and he couldn't bring himself to push Duo to talk before he was ready. Meanwhile, Duo just needed to let his feelings settle before continuing.
"Heero... I'm not used to getting what I want. I wished for this for so long while we were together. All I wanted was for the guy I knew to be the guy everyone else saw. I can't... I can't reconcile this so easily. For months you were patiently waiting for me to trust you and..." He looked frustrated, and short on words. "I never get what I want! I never, never get what I want. Something always goes wrong. Right when I start to allow myself to think I'm getting something wonderful, it's taken from me!"
"I'm not going anywhere."
"It wouldn't be your choice!"
He knew Duo was alluding to the many friends he lost.
"I'm not going anywhere. I promise."
Flinching, Duo whispered in a harsh tone "You can't make that kind of promise!"
"So you think the only reason I'm still here is because I failed to be the man you deserve?" Duo didn't move or reply. "You think you have some curse? That you can't have nice things? That you only get to experience pain?"
Still no reply. He didn't know how to reassure Duo in a meaningful way, but he knew how Duo managed to reassure him.
"Is it enough that I worked hard to get where I am today, and want nothing more than for everyone to know I love you? Is it enough that if anything outside of my control tries to forcibly take me away from you, I'll fight it to the very end with every bit of training I ever received? Is it enough that I'm willing to stay by your side and weather every storm, every war, every problem that comes our way, together, as a team? Is it enough, that if you really are cursed, being with you for however long we have is in every possible way worth my time, my effort, and my life?" He broke his intensity and added in a pleading tone, "I just love spending time with you, Duo. Even if we're not interacting, even if you're in the next room over, having you nearby feels like I'm home. I want you in my life, no matter the risk you think is attached. Can you accept that?"
There was a long pause before the light shifted in Duo's eyes and he nodded.
"Yeah. Affirmative, 01."
Though he looked mildly relieved, it was obvious their conversation was taxing Duo. Heero worried that saying too much all at once would hurt him if he wasn't up for the discussion, and he could see that Duo wanted an out. He was willing to gift that to him. There was no need to press him into talking more. They'd said a lot already, and he knew this would not be the last time they opened up. If they learned to pace themselves, they'd have a lifetime to talk things through.
He leaned over and touched shoulders with Duo, knowing it was time to lighten the mood and give him the break he needed from their conversation. He allowed a little playfulness into his voice when he declared "You're adorable, you know?"
Duo immediately became annoyed, which only encouraged him.
"You kept my Valentine's card for years."
He watched Duo's face shift into playful anger. "I never should have said anything."
Grinning like a mad man, Heero replied in a mocking tone, "I kept that card for years says the guy who fist bumped me and then ignored every other Valentine's Day."
"Shut up! I told you it's a dumb holiday!"
"Admit you loved me even then."
Duo took a pillow and tossed it in his face. "Yuy, stop!"
The pillow fell and Heero discarded it before he reached out to touch Duo's cheek. "You're cute when you're embarrassed."
When Duo tried to shove him away he grabbed his wrists and they struggled some, neither really trying to hurt or restrain the other but both engaging in a pretend fight. Duo kept vaguely trying to push Heero away from him, but his attempts were parried. Soon he was trying to contain a growing laughter, and Heero followed suit, happy to be together and enjoying the back and forth. Finally, Duo broke through and lightly shoved Heero in the chest.
"I'll never admit to anything remotely sentimental again!"
Heero smiled coyly. "Yes you will."
He was lightly shoved a second time. "No, I won't!
Duo's tone was petulant, like a child. Heero refrained from pointing out how utterly cute it was.
"You will." Instead of swatting away Duo's fake attack Heero gently grasped and held his hands. "Because if you don't admit to how ridiculously sentimental you can be, I will always be more romantic than you."
For a moment he got to enjoy the challenging look in Duo's eyes and the blush on his face.
He didn't mention how learning to cook soba for him and breaking into his apartment to do it was the most romantic gesture he could imagine. He was nowhere near ready to admit that his initial reaction, fever and all, was a strong desire to propose marriage. And he wasn't about to say that once his fever broke he still wanted to propose marriage.
None of that was relevant.
All of it could definitely scare off Duo.
But in the setting of Duo's apparent newfound need to win at romance, the soba was a single incident and not a pattern. Though he hoped with everything in him that it would become a pattern, and that if he ever got sick again Duo would once again cook him the soba from his childhood. In his mind, in the future, the events would unfold differently. Duo would not break into his place to lovingly recreate that dish for him because he would have his own key. Ideally the key would be to their place, not his place. And Duo would eat with him, and lay in bed with him, and gently talk about anything at all until that smooth voice lulled him to sleep. In return, he'd protect Duo from his nightmares, support him when he needed to cry, and assure him he'd never be alone again.
Those thoughts came so quickly he had to blink them away.
Now was not the time.
Now he would simply savor being the romantic half of their relationship the way he savored Duo's soba.
Other than Keiko, most people outside of his small circle from the wars wrote him off as something between a little heartless and downright cold. His need to always be on guard left barriers up that tended to scare people away. He wasn't fully comfortable smiling at strangers, even ones he saw daily at work. So it felt good to be the romantic one out of the two of them. It was rewarding to have that part of himself recognized. After working to grow as an individual in the wake of losing Duo not just once, but twice, he figured the title was hard earned.
With that small personal victory in his pocket he let himself be guided backwards onto the bed. He watched as Duo, with a suddenly feral grin, took his hands as he leaned forward pin him onto his back. The braided man eased down over him and into a kiss. He felt Duo's strong hands glide away, fingers slipping through his own, to cup his wrists and hold them into place on either side of his head with a gentle firmness.
Heero sank into that familiarity, letting Duo's tongue take over as he deepened their kiss. He knew Duo was feeling a little attacked after being accused of lacking romance, and he'd make the most of the possessiveness it sparked. He always enjoyed when Duo became the aggressor and he missed it, more than he would admit out loud. He liked the attention. He liked feeling that someone could stand up to him and meet him at every challenge. He liked trusting someone enough to relinquish a little control.
Soon those hands released his wrists and lightly traced their way down to his sides, tugging at his shirt as that tongue retreated and soft lips parted from his for air. He eagerly sat upright enough to follow Duo into another kiss and allow him to leverage off the garment. Losing the taste of Duo for a brief moment to have the shirt pulled over his head caused him to moan in regret and lay back once more. He smiled an invitation to join him, and watched fire erupt in violet as Duo tossed his shirt haphazardly aside. He once again found himself with Duo hovering dangerously close above.
"When'd we turn into guys who really talked?" The question was spoken with intensity. A smile played on the corners of flushed lips. It thrilled him when their kisses showed on Duo. "Never saw this kinda communication comin, and I gotta say I'm really likin it."
There was something equally sultry and sincere in the way Duo spoke that sent a shiver through Heero. He struggled for a second to find his voice.
"I think our emotional maturity finally caught up with all the other ways we were forced to grow up too soon."
That small smile of Duo's curved into one immeasurably sweet.
"I'm into the version of us with emotional maturity." Duo leaned a notch closer like he was about to tell a big secret. Before saying what was on the tip of his tongue, he subtly rolled his hips. Heero's eyes slid shut and a low moan escaped him, causing Duo to become very obviously pleased with the reaction he elicited. There was joy along with desire in his voice when he finally whispered, "You are incredibly hot when emotionally mature."
Unable to wait any longer, Heero opened his eyes, reached up, and pulled Duo closer and into a searing kiss. His eyes drew shut again as he held Duo with one hand behind his head and the other firmly gripping his shoulder. When the kiss should have intensified, it was broken. Duo flinched and took in a quick but harsh breath against his lips. The magic they were under fizzled just enough for Heero's senses to return.
That reaction was new. It sounded like Duo was in pain.
Was Duo in pain?
He hastily disengaged, and while Duo growled and tried to kiss him again, he asked with an edge of worry "Are you hurt? What's wrong?"
Duo quieted, paused, and pulled slightly away. A smile spread over his face and Heero recognized it immediately. That was a smile he used to hide pain, but it didn't match his voice. That was open and relaxed.
"Nothing's wrong. For the first time in a while, nothing's wrong." Duo's smile turned self-deprecating, but there was something else hidden in his eyes. Something guarded. "Though I might've dislocated my shoulder a few weeks back and it's still a bit sore."
Heero urgently sat up, nearly knocking Duo over in his haste. "What happened?" He examined his shoulder, lightly running his fingers over the joint. "How did you hurt yourself? Why aren't you using a sling? Is your shoulder stable? Did a doctor clear you for nerve damage? Any tears in your muscles, tendons, or ligaments? How's your circulation? What have you—" He stopped abruptly when he noticed Duo's brilliant smile.
"Uh, Duo? Why are you smiling like that?"
The light in Duo's eyes was maybe the loveliest thing Heero had ever seen. It eclipsed every memory of Duo's joy his brain could supply. He looked more radiant than in Jinhae. He almost looked like he was about to cry.
"I'm just happy. I'm really, really happy!" Duo seemed overwhelmed in that moment, like he couldn't process what was causing him to react so strongly. "I can't remember the last time I was this happy!"
Heero didn't know what to make of that, because he didn't think anything monumental just happened. But Duo was beaming. It was as though some unknown weight was lifted from him and he could viscerally see Duo's relief. He wondered what burden his love carried that could have affected him so deeply. He wanted to know what he'd done to make things so much better. If he could, he'd do it every day.
Something flashed quickly in violet eyes. Heero tried hard to stop himself from grinning when he immediately recognized that look as the one Duo only got when he was about to say something clever. He lost himself in those moments, and could never wait to hear whatever the braided man would say. Duo gently pushed him onto his back once more and was met with no resistance.
"I see you've got no choice but to lie there," he said with a suddenly serious face, still straddling Heero and reaching for his wrists to pin him to the bed. Heero finally noticed that Duo's left hand wasn't quite as strong in its grip as his right, but he did not bring attention to that. "I'm sure a talented guy with your skills would be able to read my lips."
The callback to the first time Duo broke him out of an Oz facility sent electric anticipation through Heero's entire body. He couldn't look away if the war started up around them again. He watched as Duo's lips gave the slightest hint of a smile before slowly and carefully forming the silent words "I love you."
Heero's eyes sparkled. He thought his heart might burst in his chest. In that moment he realized that knowing in his heart that Duo was in love with him and getting actual confirmation were very different things. It was no longer a hunch, and that meant the world to him. It was time to upgrade Keiko's reward for her excellent advice. She was going to get dressed to the nines, picked up at her door, escorted to the fanciest restaurant in the city, and enjoy every dessert on the menu with him as a proper thank you. He would take her to the best orchid shop in town and have her pick out a new addition for her collection. He would treat her like the royalty he was certain she was, and thank her for her friendship and guidance from the bottom of his heart. And then as a bonus they'd do it all over again, someplace new, but with Duo joining them so he could introduce them.
Remembering to live in the moment, he silently mouthed back "In English? You're not mad at me anymore?"
He watched as Duo released one of his wrists and slowly ran a hand along his chest. He shivered at the touch, warmth pleasantly burning into his skin when that hand came to rest above his heart. There was no mistaking the mischievous grin. He'd seen it many times before. Duo kept up the game and answered without a sound.
"I never said it in any other language. I was just trying to misdirect. I couldn't bring myself to return your words."
For Heero that admission came as a relief. He had his suspicions before, but he wasn't willing to entertain them. It was easier to pretend Duo was responding in kind to his words of affection. It was easier to pretend he was getting what he wanted. But now, finally offered the emotional security he so desired, everything else fell away like nothing. He didn't need another language with pretty and unfamiliar words. He only needed this. He felt liberated.
"Maybe," Duo continued in silence, "I've been in love with you for a long time and you deserve to know it, even if I'm not ready to say it out loud." He tilted his head to the side and Heero kept his focus on those lips, not wanting to miss a word. "Maybe I like the idea of you knowing how much you mean to me, even though admitting that I love you more than I thought I ever could love anyone scares me beyond belief. Maybe I've struggled with the intensity of my love for you for so many years that I just couldn't hold it back a minute longer." Heero's eyes overflowed with emotion.
"Or maybe as I ran out ways to punish you for being so angry that I understood Japanese all these years, I realized you didn't really deserve my wrath at all, and I was just living up to being the biggest baka"
Heero laughed richly at that, his whole body shaking. Duo knew it wasn't because he being particularly funny, but rather that Heero just didn't know how else to release his joy. It was obvious that he was experiencing a happiness that overwhelmed him in its power and Duo couldn't get enough of it. How could he be the cause of such radiance? The way Heero's cheeks colored and his eyes closed in delight while he laughed stirred a whirlwind of feelings in him. When they reopened the happiness in those blue depths was simply stunning. But Duo didn't have time to fully take in the sight before him. Heero freed his other hand and used both to hold Duo's face and guide him down into another kiss. It was somehow both gentle and terribly commanding. Heero had never kissed him quite like that, and it felt like Heero himself, personified.
When they parted, a little short of breath, he whispered against Duo's lips. "We can continue with your request for sex after your shoulder's recovered."
Duo growled. He was not going to let Heero ruin this moment.
"Not a fucking chance, Yuy!"
He pulled Heero back into a searing and aggressive kiss that left no room for argument. Duo felt arms come up around him automatically, completely forgetting any hesitation expressed seconds before. The hands avoided his shoulder, but pulled him so close he wasn't sure there was any space between them. When he finally released his partner he looked at a breathless and dazed Heero with a smug smile.
"You don't get to use my shoulder as an excuse not to have sex. If you don't want to then just say it and I'll be content to make myself comfortable cuddling you for however long you'll let me. I'll even keep talking with you, like the weirdly mature adults we're being. But if you're up for sex with me, and mind you after all our talking this would be very emotionally connected sex, don't you fucking dare make assumptions about my ability to participate. I'm more than capable of continuing. And if I wasn't I'd let you do all the work." His eyes narrowed. "And how dare you suggest I'm the reason we can't continue when I just did something extremely romantic to woo you. Do you want to keep your title of Most Romantic so badly that you'll ignore a perfect callback?"
Heero couldn't help the smile on his face.
"To what? You disrupting my mission and getting me captured?"
Duo's lips quirked up on one side in a playful grin when he saw the light in Heero's eyes, and he went back to silently mouthing his words.
"To the first and only time you stared at my lips without wanting to do pervy things to me." Heero's face and ears blushed deeply, and Duo dropped the act and continued with his voice, leaning a little closer. "Just mind the shoulder and we're good to go." Wide blue eyes stared at him as Heero nodded. Duo pulled away. "Not good enough. You're the one who put the breaks on, you gotta tell me what you want."
Heero didn't hesitate.
"You. All of you. Right now. I've never wanted you more."
He didn't pay attention to Heero's response after the first few words, and he wasn't entirely sure Heero could formulate any as he traced feather light kisses across his skin. It was clear what his actions did to his partner and how turned on he was. But it didn't matter what else Heero may have said, anyway. He consented, and Duo was much too focused on how to reward emotional labor with overdue physical pleasure to pay any attention to potential concerns his lover may have for his injury.
If Heero, subconsciously arcing his body upward to rub his erection against Duo's, had any brains left in him to voice concern they'd soon be sucked out of him.
But that was a big if.
They had a lot of time to make up for, and Duo planned to spend the entire day doing just that.