Note: I got interrupted a dozen times during my morning read through and then had the audacity to add more to this chapter while distracted. It should be fine, but there's no time to read it again and meet my posting time frame. It'll be okay, I trust myself. I'll read through it later for any typos or minor edits.

Chapter 70: Fighting Words

It was late afternoon when Heero woke with Duo next to him in bed. He smiled when he realized they were holding hands, and turned to watch Duo sleep. The day they spent together on Saturday was wonderful, and it wasn't only because of the physical attention. They cooked, stealing touches and kisses. They quietly cuddled close with no distractions, not even words. They explored each other's bodies in the bedroom, living room, and kitchen, and...

Heero admitted to himself the last roughly 27 hours and 13 minuets was all about the physical attention. He even let down his guard enough to be satisfied with just the locked door to his apartment, willing to get terribly intimate in every room of his home. Duo once told him years ago he was too paranoid, always wanting sex only in the bedroom so there would be a second door between them and the outside world in case of intruders. This time around, with Duo, he was able to let go of that extra layer of control.

Cornering Duo in the kitchen, and finding out just how perfect the counter heights were, was a memory he'd hold onto. Duo hadn't been expecting him to start and finish there. The way Duo wrapped himself around him said he was expecting to get carried away and walked towards the bedroom. The look in his eyes when he was instead pressed into the counter, when he realized they weren't going to take things into the bedroom, that he'd need to make some adjustments for lack of friction on the smooth stone surface, was one Heero didn't want to forget. It was a look that told him that more than a decade after they first got together he could still surprise his partner.

He couldn't recall ever being more at ease. And it was lovely. He was beyond happy. But today he was determined to actually talk some more.

He wanted them to last, and that wasn't an option if they didn't continue to talk. Duo said he liked how they communicated. He said emotional maturity was hot and Heero, excited by that declaration, intended to keep up with it.

Falling back into silence would be devastating.

Duo looked peaceful as his chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm and it wasn't long before Heero moved to rest his head below his good shoulder, snaking an arm across his waist. The braided man stirred at the contact and then moved his bad arm to pull Heero closer and hold him loosely.

The only thing they really talked about in depth yesterday, after their first round of sex, was how Duo injured himself. Heero was horrified to learn of his fall onto concrete and grateful beyond words he didn't hit his head any harder than he did. There were signs, as they made love, of the tension and residual pain across Duo's upper back. All these weeks later, all the physical therapy and exercise, and he still wasn't completely back in shape. His movement was fine, but it didn't come without discomfort.

Heero kissed and patiently massaged those muscles to alleviate his aches and pains.

As far as he was concerned, he owed Duo's shoulders and back for protecting him from terminal injury, and he would use it as an excuse to run his hands all over his partner and take out the knots in his muscles. In the years they spent together he rarely got the chance to spoil Duo in that way. The Deathscythe pilot seemed to have an aversion to receiving any physical intimacy associated with massaging, even when it wasn't sexually charged.

A long time ago, in a cramped two-person shuttle crossing between colony clusters on L3, Duo admitted his dislike of certain touches might be a holdover from his youth and the years he spent without any meaningful physical contact. If he didn't initiate touch, or if he wasn't extremely comfortable with someone, it tended to upset him. Casual touch was mostly okay if the trust was there, but intimate touch, even in a medical or therapy setting, always made him anxious, especially if he didn't see it coming. A simple shoulder rub from behind would cause every muscle in his body to tense, and it was difficult for him to relax again. Even if verbally informed the touch was coming, like when the Sweeper's on-board doctor tried to help him out after he strained his back as a kid, he closed his eyes tightly and tried desperately to be at ease.

Early in their relationship, Duo would flinch sometimes at Heero's touch. At first Heero would pull away, uncertain if he was doing something wrong. But Duo always welcomed him, even while he couldn't shake his natural response. That reaction disappeared over time.

Yesterday, though?

Yesterday Duo took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and melted under his hands. He almost fell asleep while the knots were worked out of his muscles. Heero would enjoy the opportunity to spoil Duo, even as he acknowledged that it was born from his partner's pain. He understood that Duo must be in a great amount of discomfort to allow anyone, even his lover, to massage him. But the trust he showed, relaxed under his hands, meant everything.

There was something undeniably right about having Duo near.

He really did miss the presence of his baka when they were apart, and he couldn't quite place how it impacted him until Duo was back in his life. For four years he carried an emptiness that was undefined. He tried to fill that void and nothing worked. Learning koto helped, but it wasn't a substitute for Duo. Now that emptiness was gone, filled by having his favorite person by his side.

He felt Duo stir, confirming he was fully awake. After more than a day of cycling between needy sex, domestic activities, cuddling, sleeping, and making slow and purposeful love, it was finally time to have another longer talk.

Heero gathered his courage and asked, in a voice a little hoarse from sleep, "Why do you love me?"

Duo got still against him, his breath halted.

"It's just that I've done a lot wrong. I hurt you over and over. How can you still love me? What did I ever do to deserve you loving me?"

A hand came up from Duo's good side to slowly rub his back. Heero felt safe in Duo's arms, even as he waited a little nervously for an answer to his question. He could feel the man beside him swallow before taking a breath to reply.

"Heero... we've both done a lot wrong. We hurt each other. But it was rarely with malice. In fact, I might be the only one of us to hurt the other with malice." Duo shifted and Heero felt a kiss placed in his hair. "We were young and fumbling through things we never thought we'd experience. Things we never saw examples of. We were trying to shake everything we ever knew and learn to trust. How can I hold that against you when I was the same?"

"You were ready before me to live a more normal life."

"You assume I was, but really I was scared and just desperate for what I thought was next."

He digested that. Duo was scared? He recalled hearing him once, on the phone with Hilde. He recalled his reactions to things, how the closer their relationship became the less Duo reached out on his own. Even when they were alone, camping on a romantic getaway, Duo didn't initiate touch between them. He was quick to escalate but waited for a very clear sign it was okay. There was only one reason Duo would hold back if he still wanted to touch him, and Heero felt his heart sink as he finally understood what that meant.

"I didn't realized you were scared."

"Yeah, well, I hide a lot of things." He felt Duo's arm pull him a little closer, and knowing what it took to get to a place where he once again initiated contact, the gesture was like finally being home after a long mission.

"Honestly, Ro, back then when you didn't behave well, it mostly seemed reasonable. That's what happens when people are overwhelmed. We think and act in ways we know can't be true, or good, but it's all we have in that moment. And it makes sense in that moment."

Duo sighed.

"I'm so very, very familiar with this way of thinking. And though Wufei, Trowa, and Quatre have all at some point accused me of being a doormat, I don't think of it that way at all. It's just me understanding where someone is emotionally, because I've been there, too. I've been flooded with too much to process and as a result I've made stupid mistakes. It doesn't make me a bad person. That's why I don't hold things against people in general when I know they're struggling. You were so overwhelmed back then, trying to come to terms with the end of the wars, with us, with lingering paranoia from all those years on the run. Struggling with that and acting out because of it doesn't make you a bad person, any more than it does me."

Heero remained silent as he processed those words.

"I'm deeply sorry you understand that. But I don't recall you ever acting out when overwhelmed."

"You see me with rose colored glasses."

"I just see you, Duo."

They stayed in silence for a few minutes, enjoying the comfort of their embrace. Heero thought maybe that was the end of their talk, but Duo surprised him.

"I was overwhelmed a lot as a kid. Surviving was the big thing, but I also had to deal with people, and threats, and terrible insecurities I covered up with bravado. It's true I did what I had to do in order to live, but when I was given even a little security I floundered. My ability to behave rationally waned, and I acted out in ways I normally wouldn't because I was struggling so hard I couldn't even make simple, correct decisions in the face of things being a little easier. I never trusted anything that was easier than my lousy status quo."

He ran a hand along Heero's skin, idly tracing his contours.

"So yes, I know exactly what it's like to make bad calls against your better judgment because you're just experiencing too much."

Heero let his words sink in.

"Thank you."

He could feel Duo's head turn towards him even though from their positions he wouldn't be able to make eye contact. When he asked "what for?" the vibration from Duo's chest against his ear tickled.

"You've been so forgiving. I keep messing up and you keep forgiving me. I think that deserves a thank you."

The physical tension his statement brought to Duo concerned him. In Heero's eyes there was no reason for Duo to become upset.

"Come on, Ro. You gotta stop thinking I'm so fucking nice and gracious. I'm not."

The response didn't make a lot of sense to him, and Heero thought for a moment before answering.

"You risked your life for Quatre, who has treated you terribly. You risked your life for Relena, who apparently still hates you and I really should have seen that sooner. And what about telling Trowa to make up with Quatre when they were technically broken up? Wouldn't it make your life easier if they weren't a pair?"

There was disquiet in the short silence that fell between them before Duo asked, his voice guarded and barely above a whisper, "Do you really think I did all of that out of kindness? Or that it was without resentment?"

He took a moment to consider the question, wanting to answer precisely.

"Well..."

Duo's grip on him tightened a little and he found himself pulled closer. Even during this delicate conversation the skin on skin contact was welcoming, though part of him wondered if Duo drew him nearer as a defense mechanism, to control the situation.

"Telling Tro to go back and work out his relationship sucked. It was the right thing to advise my friend but it sucked. He can do so much better than Quatre. Fuck, he deserves better than Quatre. But for whatever reason he loves the guy."

Duo placed another kiss on Heero's head, and in response blue eyes involuntarily shut.

"He's stupid," Duo continued as he ran his fingers gently along Heero's collar bone. "But it's his life and I don't get a say."

"Duo…"

Heero felt his partner pull away. He opened his eyes to see Duo prop himself up on his good elbow and lay on his side to get a good look at him. Immediately he missed their previous warmth. Part of him wanted to shut up his lover with kisses and regain their proximity, but he knew this conversation had to happen and he waited for Duo to speak his mind. It didn't take long.

"And what I think about them? It doesn't fuckin matter. It's not my life. As for Relena? She was my job. I take my work seriously." His eyes betrayed an emotion Heero couldn't quite place. "Quatre was my job, too. But also? Trowa loves him." Duo sighed softly and looked like he was giving up a tactical advantage. "You know I can't let harm come to the people my friends love if I can stop it. Out of everyone you know what that's like."

Heero's eyes softened and then he watched as Duo suddenly filled with anger. The American quickly looked anywhere in the room other than at him, as though he knew what he was saying could be taken poorly.

He said it anyway.

"And you know what? Fuck that whole coming to my place after the potluck thing! I didn't invite Trowa over! And yeah I mean he was checking in on me but he was also, maybe even moreso, coming over to cry about him leaving Quatre. Like... what the fuck, man?" He spoke faster, with more passion. "I get he was hurt. I get he was upset. But I really wasn't in the state of mind to have anyone crying on my couch over the guy who just insulted my entire existence! He even used every last tissue I had! Wasn't I supposed to be the one hurt after that damned potluck? How do I always end up comforting other people when they're supposed to be comforting me?" He let out a growl and laid on his back, crossing his arms. "I'm still mad about it, yanno?"

He turned his head to look at Heero.

"There I was, feelin lousy, and suddenly I'm managing a tearful Trowa. That was a big old first for me, and real fucking unsettling. Like have you ever dealt with the guy when he's crying and brokenhearted? You're his partner. Have you? Because I can tell by the look on your face you haven't and I hope you never do. It's a lot."

He sighed.

"All I wanted was for someone to be there for me, you know? Quatre insults me, like he really hurts me on a day when I'm absolutely feeling like I don't belong with any of you, and somehow Trowa ends up broken. On my couch. And I felt like selfish sack of shit because I wanted to be cared for. It was a goddamn nightmare. And then you send this text outright offering exactly what I wanted, and I couldn't accept. Do you have any idea how much that hurt, to turn down the one thing I wanted more than anything from the one person I wanted with me?"

Duo's eyes took on a quality to them that mixed pain and longing.

"But I forgive the guy. Not for cryin, that's fine. Everyone gets to cry. Not for showing up unannounced and a total mess, because friends get to do that, too. But for keeping you from me when I wanted you near." He clenched his fists. "Fuck me did I not need him showing up right then. What I needed was you."

Duo realized he'd ranted a little too long when he noticed Heero was looking at him with immense affection. A little embarrassed, he calmed down and gave Heero a heartfelt smile and opened his arms as an invitation. Heero laid across his chest again and took hold of Duo's braid, turning it in his fingers.

"You didn't want him there, and you still let him stay a week."

His words hung in the air for a moment.

"Well... yeah. Just 'cause I didn't want him there doesn't mean I'd turn the guy away. He's my friend. He was hurting."

"You were hurting."

"I think maybe he was hurting a whole lot more."

Heero smiled. "You're very selfless, you know?"

Duo's tone turned dark.

"I don't have some perfect moral compass, Heero. Shit. If I did I wouldn't be damn near a killer by trade and I sure as hell wouldn't have run away and isolated myself from everyone."

Those words triggered something in Heero that he'd held back for a long while. For months he couldn't find a good opportunity to bring up something that bothered him and now seemed the time. Even though it felt appropriate, he was still nervous.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

He felt Duo shift in confusion and continued, knowing it was now or never.

"I know you're not ready to talk to me about Hilde yet." Duo went perfectly still. "But I'm so sorry for the part I played in leaving you alone when you most needed support."

As Duo remained unmoving Heero pulled away from him to look into his eyes. He couldn't read the emotions he found there but it was a veritable storm.

"We don't need to talk about it until you're ready. I'm not pushing that. But I need you to know that you never have to be alone like that again. I know that I've said similar words before, years ago. I know I've let you down. But I'm actually equipped to deliver now. The man I've become has the ability to be there for you, and I want nothing more than to follow through. No matter where we are in the future, I'll always make the time to have your back. You can count on me."

He watched as Duo lightly bit down on his lower lip when it began to tremble, and Heero knew he was hoping it wasn't seen. It broke his heart to see the person he loved so afraid to show vulnerability. What he wanted, more than anything, was for Duo to feel comfortable enough to express anything other than strength.

Violet eyes darted away quickly before meeting Heero's again. His voice was a bit harder than before as he declared "Thanks. I appreciate you."

Heero felt a slight physical pain in his chest when he heard that steeled voice. He tilted his head to one side and spoke softly and clearly.

"It's important to me that you remember you have friends who are just waiting for the opportunity to help you." His free hand reached to scoop up Duo's from where it laid on the braided man's stomach. "You helped us all so much, even going back to the wars, but we've never been able to reciprocate. You always handle things so competently on your own." Raising Duo's hand to his lips, he placed a soft kiss on his knuckles and whispered, "You don't have to handle everything difficult alone."

Duo simply stared at him for a moment before scoffing. He slipped his hand from Heero's and lightly shoved him, though from his angle he couldn't push far.

"You're getting soft on me, Yuy." He spoke with averted eyes. "And that's not something you want your partner to tell you while laying in bed together, ne?"

Recognizing Duo's deflection Heero drew closer again, and propped up over his partner with hands on either side of him. "I told you already that I've worked for years to become a man worthy of what we have. It's an ongoing self-improvement project to become my favorite version of myself." When he saw Duo begin to recoil at things getting too real, he pivoted and grinned. "I think, after all that self-improvement, I can handle a dick joke. From time to time."

That brought the mischief back to Duo's eyes. "I can't even let you get sentimental on me without my mind going straight into the gutter. And I'm still freaked out a bit by your ability to communicate, even though I ought to be thrilled. You sure I got the moral compass you think I got?"

Heero leaned forward and placed a soft and quick kiss on Duo's lips. "Yes. I think you have an excellent moral compass."

At those words Duo's face fell into a deep frown. "No, I fucking don't." When Heero simply looked confused Duo continued. "I'm not joking. My moral compass is fucked from here to Tuesday. For a little while this was a cute game but don't you dare mean it."

Heero's brow furrowed and he swallowed hard.

"What are you talking about?"

Moving Heero so he could slide out from under him, Duo sat upright. He looked serious.

"I was a real asshole to you, too. And you're just gonna let that slide?"

"Huh?"

Duo's voice took on a threatening tone. "You need to stop over-compensating. Immediately. Just because you disregarded my feelings in the past doesn't mean you should focus so much on my feelings now that you forget yours matter, too."

Though he spoke like he was angry, Duo's body language told another story. It was obvious to Heero that Duo wasn't angry at all. He was worried. There was something endearing about that and he tried not to smile lest it be taken the wrong way.

"Elaborate."

Duo's hands clenched in the sheets and though his voice was not raised it was urgent.

"I failed to recognize that maybe it's not so easy for you to be as rational as me about the whole…" He released one hand and gestured to his scar. "I might be logical about it, but you're emotional about it. And I should've realized your feelings are also important. But I didn't. Or I did deep down but I was too hurt to give them the time of day. And every time I tried to smooth things over I only made things worse because I kept telling you that I was okay, and I never considered if you were okay! And like a complete jackass you let me! You felt so guilty you let me hurt you until I got tired of it and pulled away, and I don't even think you realized that's what was happening! It made it easy for me to blame you when I was the one behaving badly. It was so damn easy to twist that narrative in my own head and lean into you being the one who fucked things up. I even let our friends think you were the villain and I was the victim. I knew you were in pain and it was me who lost my temper and lashed out every time I went to see you. It's true your reaction to my scar hurt me, but I'm the one who started almost every fight." He dropped eye contact. "Not to mention how fucking awful it was to accuse you of never loving me."

The last part stung, and Heero found he wasn't really over it. He wasn't okay with how Duo's words hurt him, as much as he tried to ignore them in an effort to move forward. They'd kept him awake at night for days. They hurt. He'd never planned on mentioning it again, afraid of what it would bring out of him and what conflict it could create between them. He watched with a blank expression as Duo shot him a look that was equal parts remorse and shame.

"I fuckin knew you loved me years before you came close to saying the actual words. I knew what you were really telling me every time you said you missed me."

Heero felt a slight panic run through him. He never realized he was so transparent. He had no idea Duo understood his code all those years ago. But Duo wasn't done.

"Why do you think I blew off protocol, hot off the heels of that mission I got during Relena's ski trip, just to desperately try and fail to tell you how I missed you?"

He felt outside of himself, recalling what happened that day Duo showed up at his apartment while he was finishing cooking for a guy's night in. There was a real desperation in his voice, in his body language. At the time he couldn't understand why Duo looked so angry and hurt when he reciprocated the sentiment of missing him, but now it made sense. Duo was confessing love, they way he'd confessed it himself so many times in the past. And he didn't even notice.

Those memories appeared in a flash, and before he could say a word Duo was speaking again.

"It was just hard in the past, when you'd say that, you know? Those gestures from you, the ways you'd tell me how you loved me... they were the opposite of how you treated me in front of others and it was so hard to reconcile. You're at fault for making me feel like you were ashamed of me but I'm at fault for not being clear with you about what that did to me. If anyone was equipped to deal with someone who felt he needed to hide his vulnerability by showing the world something different, it's me. That's how I grew up. That's how I often still am. But I couldn't manage it so close to home."

His eyes looked deeper and darker than Heero remembered ever seeing them in the past.

"Ro, I should've said something instead of getting angry and not actually talking to you. Of course you weren't going to bring it up. Back then emotional intelligence was new to you, and I shouldn't have expected you to really see what I was going through. It was me who was supposed to be open and communicative. I knew you needed the extra help, I knew I could've just outright suggested you see a therapist, or recommended you talk to anyone really, but instead I just shut down."

Duo seemed to suddenly realize what his words implied.

"And I'm not holding it against you! Please don't misinterpret why I'm bringing it up. I've finally let the ways you hurt me in the past go, and I have no intention of holding you hostage with it. We were barely in our twenties and had no idea how to navigate a life without war, let alone how to navigate ourselves and our feelings. I forgive you for your part in everything, and I'm only using it as an example to showcase my own faults and how I need, how I want, to be better. For your sake as well as mine I want to be better. For fuck's sake I lied to you, Heero. I lied yesterday. We were having a moment of connection and openness and I lied to your face! How fucked is my moral compass?"

Frozen in place, all Heero could do was listen. He wasn't prepared to respond. Duo looked flustered and angry at himself, but Heero managed to find his voice.

"You... lied? You never lie. What... what did you lie about?"

He hoped, with everything in him, that he hadn't misread everything and that Duo didn't lie about loving him back. He wasn't sure he'd survive if that was the lie. The pain and regret, maybe even sorrow in his partner's eyes left him very confused and on edge, but he refused to believe the worst. There way no way Duo would lie about something so important, so personal. Duo was better than that. He had at least that much faith in him.

"I lied when I said your refusal to show affection in public was our biggest problem when we were first together."

Heero felt immense, overwhelming relief, followed by a need to know more. He didn't have to ask for clarification.

"I think it contributed just as much as my own hangups did. You know. To breaking up." Duo looked away and took a deep breath, visibly psyching himself up to say what was on his mind.

"I don't know how you see it, but I'm at fault for an awful lot, too. I used to think you were the only problem. I didn't see, for a really long time, that back then I wasn't in a healthy place, either. I tried really hard to make it look like I was in a good place, but I wasn't. After spending almost 4 years totally in my own head, just thinking about everything, I can definitively say that I... didn't really have friends? I guess? I relied on you for all of my emotional needs, and I had plenty of them, especially coming right off the wars. And even if you'd been well adjusted that wouldn't be fair, puttin so much of my mental health on your shoulders." He turned back, his eyes intense and still dark.

"I kept a lot to myself because of that. Because I had no other outlet for my feelings, but I didn't want you to know when I was in pain because like an idiot I thought you'd think less of me."

Heero couldn't help the look of disbelief on his face, and Duo noticed, his eyes softening.

"Yeah, I know. Kinda dumb, but it's the truth. And holdin everything in hurt so much it made all the little things terrible and all the bigger things impossible. Because you were all I let myself have, you were all I had to unleash those frustrations on. And when I let them boil over and consume me I reacted poorly to you. At times it musta looked like I just quickly oscillated from everything bein okay to nothing bein okay. And that's kinda true, because I let things slide and held in how I felt for as long as possible until I couldn't anymore. But I'm different now. I..." he sighed and deflated a little, smiling a crooked and genuine smile.

"I have friends now. I have people outside of you and they care about me and support me, even when I don't know I need them. And that's... it's liberating, I guess? I don't need you anymore. You don't make me whole. You aren't the reason I get out of bed in the morning. You don't make or break my day. I used to think I needed you to live, but I just don't, yanno? I don't need you. I just... I want you. I really want you in my life. I wanna share things with you, and for you to share with me. I wanna spend time together. I want you to be the last person I see when I go to sleep and the first person I see when I wake up. I just... I want you. Does that make sense?"

It did. And though it stung a little at first to hear he was not needed, Heero felt his heart soar at being wanted. Being wanted was so much better. He absolutely loved hearing Duo talk about having people who cared for him. He loved hearing how Duo felt comfortable on his own. Because not needing someone else to live meant he chose to live his life for himself. Duo was looking out for his own best interests, and he considered him to be one of them. He was one of the factors that made life better for Duo. They weren't bound together by need. Duo opened his arms and welcomed him through want.

He had, against all odds, just been incredibly romantic. Heero's title of Most Romantic was in a lot more jeopardy than he thought, if Duo continued like this.

He loved the threat.

But it didn't sit well the way Duo claimed he had no friends before, and he wasn't going to let that slide.

"It makes sense. I look forward to regularly waking up to your ridiculous morning hair, desperately trying to escape that rope you call a braid." Pleased to elicit a chuckle from Duo, he continued. "But how can you say you didn't have friends? What about the other guys? What about Wufei? You had a connection even then. And..." he hesitated. "What about Hilde?"

Duo didn't look sad so much as he looked resigned.

"Wufei and I only managed to cross that line into friendship recently. And Hilde... I kept a lot from her. She had her own problems and I did my best not to involve her in mine. Unless she asked questions, I didn't volunteer anything."

Heero reached out and caressed the soft skin on the back of Duo's hand. The motion soothed away his tension, and he felt his baka release the sheet he'd been holding in a death grip.

"I don't... I don't wanna talk about the big stuff with her, you know? I'm not inviting a longer talk about her right now. But I think maybe you need a little perspective on what I mean, and what I'm about to say is the easiest way to convey it. Okay?

Heero nodded and squeezed Duo's hand lightly.

"You knew I went to L2 for last minute, sometimes vaguely emergency trips. What I never told you, what I kept from you, is that I went there as Hilde's next of kin when she'd try to hurt herself. Or I'd go when she just sounded real bad and needed someone. I never told you because I didn't want to burden you."

The news was a surprise to Heero. Howard told him how Hilde died, but he never mentioned her having problems in the years before. He wondered if Howard knew and kept confidence for Duo, or if he was also left in the dark. He watched, closely, when Duo began to fidget with his free hand, reaching for the end of his braid and twirling it in his fingers. His baka was avoiding making eye contact, and though he wanted to say something Heero remained silent, waiting for him to finish.

"I tried to tell you once. You'd shown up at my place when I got back home, and it'd been a rough few days. I was so scared to come home and have her finish the job when I was gone. No part of me wanted to leave her, but I couldn't run away and ignore my own life forever. I couldn't single handedly drag her out of a depressive episode. But you stayed with me. No expectations. You just... stayed with me."

Heero thought he remembered the instance Duo was referring to. It was the one time he showed up in person when Duo disappeared to L2. Normally he'd wait to see Duo at work or come by in a day or two, but for some reason he felt extra uneasy that one time. His heart sank.

"You tried to open up to me and I told you not to say anything."

Duo turned sharply to look at him.

"No. You told me I didn't have to talk to you before I was ready. That meant the world to me, Ro. You were understanding, and caring, and I couldn't even let myself cry in front of you. All those hours coming home on the shuttle, desperately wanting to cry, and in the privacy of my own home I couldn't let myself feel grief while safely held in your arms." Duo looked angry with himself. "That's pretty fucked up. I disappeared, I ghosted you, I shut down entirely and you showed up with tea. You were there for me. But I couldn't let you be there the way I needed. I resented all the times I came back from L2 and I was alone, even though I never once let you in on what was happening. I resented not feeling like I could tell you things, even though you did your best to open those doors while giving me control over how much I shared. I was so fucking lonely. And that's on me."

Gently, Heero raised Duo's hand and turned it to place a kiss on the inside of his wrist.

"I didn't know."

Duo's hand moved slightly, just enough to briefly caress the side of Heero's face.

"You weren't supposed to. I was hiding it."

"I should have—"

"No. Don't even start on that. That's how I thought the times I resented you. But how are you supposed to read my mind? It's unfair to hope for you to miraculously know what I need when I'm actively keeping secrets."

"But I could have—"

"Did I ever tell you why I didn't want you to touch me while drunk? No. I kept it to myself, then became furious with you the one time you drank yourself into idiocy. There were a lot of reasons to be mad at you that day, but I was furious over just one and never explained how most of the violence I witnessed on the street as a little kid was done by drunk hands, and it left me never wanting to be touched by someone under the influence. If you knew that, in every conceivable scenario where you knew that, do you think getting drunk before dealing with me would ever cross your mind?"

Heero looked stricken, and it only confirmed what Duo already knew.

"I'll answer for you. No. It would never, not once, cross your mind. Because you've never been malicious towards me."

The horror in Heero's eyes was unabated and unmistakable.

"I... I really didn't know."

A soft smile inched onto Duo's face.

"Yeah. That's exactly what I'm saying. Keeping things from you and punishing you for being in the dark was a pattern of mine. And when you did things right I still ruined them. I didn't want to tell you to celebrate our anniversary, I didn't want to tell you that as utterly stupid as Valentine's is I secretly wished you'd give me a card, or express how you felt for me. And when you actually did those things I was awkward as fuck and almost dismissive of you just to keep up this façade of self reliance. And I don't even know who that façade was for. When you braved the unknown and tried, I never encouraged you. That's why I'm saying I fucked up, too. I fucked up a lot, and screwed over our relationship, just like you did. It wasn't only you messing up. It was me, too. And I don't wanna slip back into that. And to prevent that, I need to own my own mistakes."

It was a lot for Heero to take in. He felt he'd likely need extra time to fully digest Duo's words, but for now he would keep the conversation going.

"That may all be true, but you have support now. Just like you said. You did the work, and opened up to others. You're opening up to me, right now. I'm... proud of you."

"I'm not perfect!"

The way Duo blurted out those words surprised him.

"I'm not even always good. While furious with you and how things were going, I saw how much it hurt you when I said you never loved me. I've been hiding so much stress, and I've been so on edge, and I don't know who I can trust... and you said exactly the wrong thing at exactly the right time to destroy me and it ate at me and allowed me to convince myself of something completely absurd. And then I fucking used it to hurt you! If I'd been thinking at all I'd have backed down instantly and begged forgiveness for being such a cruel, selfish asshole when you were trying to be vulnerable in the ways I always wanted you to be." Duo swallowed hard. "You took that hit like a champ but you absolutely shouldn't have."

Violet eyes were shining with an intensity that left Heero at a loss.

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying you need to advocate for yourself against me more often."

"You… want me to fight with you?"

"Yes! No!"

"What're you...?"

"It's real nice you wanna prioritize me, but fuck!" His voice took on a desperate tone. "You can't do that at the expense of yourself! I won't stick around if you let me hurt you like that! You need to call me out. You need to give me the chance to right things immediately, because I swear on Shinigami if you point it out I will back the fuck down and we will talk like civilized people. Don't you ever let me hurt you like that again!"

Duo bit his lower lip, frustrated with himself, before quickly continuing.

"I may not be the most romantic guy. I'm definitely scared of putting that side of me out there and maybe getting rejected." He added louder and a little faster, as though he anticipated getting interrupted "AND I KNOW that you love me, I fucking KNOW IT logically in my brain and probably in my heart, but that doesn't magic away my fears of rejection and the lingering doubts from before so I'm asking you to please be patient with me on that front."

His voice got a little softer and more gentle. "I'm not too romantic. Not yet. But I am absolutely already the guy who never wants to hurt you."

Duo dropped eye contact and ran a hand through his bangs as he took in a deep breath. He didn't look back to Heero as he wearily declared "If I was a better man with a real moral compass I wouldn't have been so focused on winning our disagreement over how you should feel about shooting me. It doesn't matter how I'm right that in no circumstance would you ever have taken a shot if you thought you'd hurt me. Being right isn't the most important thing." His concerned eyes met Heero's again.

"Someone with a real moral compass wouldn't keep insisting he's right and you're wrong. Someone with a real moral compass wouldn't hurt you just because he's feeling hurt, too. He would look for a way for both parties to be heard and validated so they can move forward as a joint unit. He wouldn't hide things until they're so bad there's nothing to do but fight. He wouldn't run away and isolate himself for years like a goddamn martyr, convincing himself he has no friends at all and as a result devaluing everyone in his life. He wouldn't distract you with sex to avoid talking about feelings, and cause his best friend to physically fight him just to start really communicating what's wrong. And he damn well wouldn't go for cheap shots against you, specifically to cause you pain. Heero... I fucking steamrolled you for days, and I said the most terrible thing I could ever say, and you just let me."

He remembered those days well. In the aftermath of finding out he'd nearly killed Duo, he retreated into himself, miserable. For a while he had daily visits from Duo, but the American had a short temper with him. They'd fight, usually because Duo took offense to everything he did. When he couldn't make eye contact, ashamed of what he'd done and afraid to see the evidence of it, Duo got angry. When he apologized, wracked with guilt, Duo got angry. At the time he thought he was ruining everything between them, and part of him still believed that. Not even Quatre ventured to suggest Duo might be at fault. If he was honest with himself, he'd never even considered that all those fights could be anyone's fault but his own. Duo's sincere words shed new light on that awful time. Heero was so thoroughly convinced he was a terrible person that it never occurred to him maybe, just maybe, he wasn't.

But it occurred to Duo.

Finally allowing himself a small smile, Heero quietly replied "I don't recall it as me just letting you but you're right that I didn't fight much."

"You hardly fight me at all anymore. And I'm not even talking just since you found out you shot me. You didn't fight me at all in the months before that. Barely even let me see you annoyed unless the circumstances were out of control, like after HQ." The disappointment in Duo's voice confused Heero.

"That guilt you feel? The guilt over me leaving for so long? You gotta share that blame with me. It's not your sole burden. When I left it was my fault, too."

Duo looked at him with an expression he'd never seen before. It was open, and incredibly vulnerable.

"You've blamed yourself for so long, Heero. And I blamed you too, for a while. At least until I realized I made mistakes and ran like a coward instead of really confronting our issues. And knowing I made mistakes didn't lessen how utterly abandoned I felt, especially after Hilde died, when I yet again hid what was wrong from the people who cared about me. Did you know I reached out to the guys? I still had her blood on me and I called each of them. Never let on what happened, and then for years I held onto a narrative in my head that they didn't care about me because they couldn't read my mind, or didn't pick up on how much effort I put into sounding okay."

Swallowing hard, Duo tilted his head a little. He looked emotionally exhausted.

"The anger I had over that, and how that anger turned me into someone I'm not proud of, was my own making. It made me bristle at the thought of rejoining our group of friends. It made me not want friends. I was too hurt and too proud to reach out to anyone at all after that, even you. I knew you'd drop everything for me and I just couldn't bear to give you that chance because it would fly in the face of the misery I built for myself. And if for any reason I reached out and you ignored me, or rejected me, it would only prove how right I was in my fantasy that no one ever cared. And after Quatre found me I clung to that fantasy with all my strength because if I was wrong, then I'd wasted years of my life, unhappy and empty inside, for no reason. So please. You can't ignore what I did. And you alone can't shoulder everything that went wrong."

The way Duo continued to look at him filled Heero with turbulent and visceral emotions.

"You gotta do to that guilt what you did to the guilt of shooting me. Promise me you'll unburden yourself. If you don't, something deep down will always cause you to let me get away with behaving like a selfish jerk and we can't move forward if you let me do that. We'll just cycle endlessly on the same destructive path."

Heero wanted to reach out, but refrained. "How long have you felt like this?"

The answer was swift. "Feels like a long fucking while but I'm a stubborn asshole and I still wanted you to get your shit together and then come grovel at my feet before I admitted how wrong I was."

Heero's smile grew from a hint of amusement into a declaration of delight. "So you want me to fight with you."

Duo frowned again and gave him another light shove to the shoulder.

"I just don't wantcha to let me ever invalidate your emotions again. You weren't lying about working hard on yourself. I've always known you feel strong emotions. Even early in the wars I knew that. The work you did wasn't to learn to feel, it was to learn expression."

Heero didn't know what to say. So many people who knew him in his youth told him over the years that he learned how to have emotions, but Duo was telling him, like it was obvious, that this was a lie. That he'd always had feelings. It was as though a big part of himself was finally given outside validation. And Duo, oblivious to this revelation, simply moved on.

"Hell, even if you hadn't worked hard to grow into someone capable of expressing his feelings they'd still matter. You mater. I can't even describe how much you matter. I don't even know if I'm describing anything right."

With a long and heavy sigh, Duo continued in a softer voice. "I hope it won't happen again, us fighting like that, but I mean it's gonna happen at some point, probably. Just don't let me get away with it. Don't ever let me treat you that way. I'll hate myself once I gain a goddamn brain and I realize you let me do it again." He locked eyes with Heero and there was a wild intensity there. "I've been trying to be someone who tells you what I want. I failed at that, back then. I held in my wants, and my anger, until my resentment grew too big to deal with. I was rarely direct with you when I finally did say what I wanted, and even then I never really followed up. I'd test the waters and just retreat. I let you avoid addressing my needs, and when I pretended I was okay with it all I really did was send mixed signals."

Duo looked down for a moment, cutting eye contact again as he readied to say what he needed to next.

"I know it played a big part in us falling apart. I kept things from you, and I made assumptions, and I'm working on that. You and I have such wildly different memories of our shared lives and the big stuff comes down to neither of us expressing ourselves openly. You've learned to express how you feel in the time we were apart. I'm learning on the fly, right now, not to be afraid to tell you what I want." He made eye contact once more. "So to start, I know we're both fuckups, but what I want is to never be the guy who hurts you. I want to be the guy who supports you."

If Heero could fall in love with Duo a second time, if he could doubly fall in love, now seemed like the right time. Duo was not the most traditionally romantic guy, but his words, and his desires, expressed a type of care and consideration that was entirely romantic. Swoon worthy, even. He almost sighed and collapsed into himself. But he didn't.

Grinning, Heero clarified "You want me to advocate for myself against you."

"Yeah."

"But not fight?"

"In a perfect world it'll be a discussion but I can't promise no fights ever again."

Heero finally reached out and pulled Duo into his arms, hugging him close, mindful of his healing shoulder. He whispered into his ear "Love of my life, I think you just proved you have an excellent moral compass."

Duo blushed deeply at the new nickname, his cheeks so hot Heero felt the blush before he pulled away and saw it. When Duo looked at him, embarrassed, he lifted a hand to play idly in Heero's messy hair, threading through the strands and tugging ever so slightly at the ends before repeating the action. The sensation made Heero want to melt.

"But you know I'm not perfect, right?"

The hesitancy and hope in Duo's voice filled Heero with contentment.

"I'm well aware of your glaring flaws, baka. Don't worry about that." Heero drew them back down onto the bed, with Duo laying close, his face tucked into the side of Heero's neck. "You make it hard to solely romanticize you when you're as much of a complete mess as I can be."

He could feel Duo's body relax at that. The hand that had been in his hair, now draped across his torso, caressed him with a touch that emphasized excitement and joy instead of simply lazily tracing patterns along his skin. The heat of Duo's breath tickled near his ear as the braided man whispered in a sultry tone, "Tell me all the ways I'm a baka."

Heero extended his free arm to reach to his nightstand, pulling his phone into view. Duo shifted to get a look as well. As he stared at the screen, he solemnly sated, "Duo, it's 16:32 and I need to leave for work at 07:00 hours." He turned to look directly into violet eyes. "We don't have time for me to list all the ways you're an idiot."

Duo's brilliant smile and rich laugh lit a fire inside of him. Getting shoved away and then immediately pulled into an enthusiastic kiss was simply icing on the cake.