A freezing feeling slithers across my body as black sludge obscures my vision, writhing and wriggling before dissipating, my eyelids flickering open as I launch into a sitting position. A coughing fit rips through my lungs and throat as I cover my mouth, the leather of the glove feels foreign against my face, the fit dying down soon after as I flop back onto the warm covers. I stare into the ceiling with a distracted gaze, embracing the mellowing feeling of the spongy bed as I gather my scattered thoughts.
Molded and fucked cieling, lack of smell, warm bed. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that I'm back here… I just wish it was for a better reason. I let out a soft sigh as I reluctantly push myself back into sitting position, pushing myself to the edge of the bed and burying my face into my hands. Fuck, Gods fucking dammit! What the fuck is wrong with you Zeke? What was all that meant to be, huh?
I shake my head as I sniffle, brushing my palm against my stinging eyes while I stare into the ruined carpet, a sinking feeling weighing on my chest. Fuck, just... What would they think of me? Would they think me a savage monster? Oh god, they would. wouldn't they? That's what I fucking think for gods sake. What would Edward think to see me splayed out while next to my own fucking vomit surrounded by corpses, what would Lucy think of it all? What about the bloody merchants who I was meant to protect.
Oh dear god, Mabel, does she know? Would she understand what I've done? Is she old enough to be capable of understanding the gravity of it? No one knows what happened there, not truly anyways, but they'll be able to draw the conclusion. Has someone else told her, should I tell her myself? Oh god, what if I lash out against her? What would she think of me then? Can I stop myself from doing that, I can barely stomach the mere thought of that. My eyes sting once more as I shake my head, a sour taste of bile in my mouth as I stand upright. No, I'll sooner break myself than harm her, wouldn't I? I hope so, god I hope so.
I stand on shaky legs, paw pads pressing against the fucked carpet, a familiar green cloth draped and drooping as I stand upright. Huh? That, when did that happen? Did someone else put this on me? I guess I didn't notice, too caught up in my own thoughts. I bite the inside of my cheek as I look down to my chest, looking over the slashed piece of fabric as I tug at the thick green cloak. I guess they wanted to keep me warm while I'm passed the fuck out, an act of kindness that I don't fucking deserve.
I rub my hands against my face as I sigh once more, a tired feeling weighing on my head as I look around the dream room. Looks as awful as it always does, though that's not a surprise. A concerned trickling thought brushes against my mind as I furrow my brows, where is Adrian? I haven't heard from him in.. a while, I guess, how long has it been anyways? How long was the entire episode to begin with? Fuck, my memory's all fuzzy again. I'd have thought that he'd love to be hovering around me like the prickish spectral doppelganger that he is, berating me for one reason or another. I hope he's okay, I really hope, despite all the confusing feelings that stir in my chest when I think of the irksome bastard. He's a prick that thrives on screaming at me, but he's not entirely bad.
...Do I actually miss him, him and his fucking voice? The sound of what's almost myself echoing in my skull, residing in my brain like a parasitic gnat? Fuck, I guess I do, I wonder what he'd think about all this. I suppose I've gotten used to having another thing to talk to, human, keidran or otherwise. My legs shake and shudder as I begin to pace forwards and backwards, it feels like my fucking bones have been laced with lead. Perhaps I should, I dunno, go back to bed? Would that be a good use of time, or is that just a waste? Pfah, most of what I do in this godforsaken place is a fucking waste, shitty dream room.
My ears twitch as a thudding noise echoes through the room, twisting my neck almost painfully so as I stare at the decaying desk, its disrepaired frame shaking and shuddering with each booming thud, like a fist beating against wood. I feel my lips twitch upwards as I make my way to the desk, ignoring the flare of pain in my heavy legs as I do so, speak of the devil and he'll appear!
"Don't worry Adrian, I'll get you outta there." I whisper to myself as I kneel in front of the desk, the shuddering continuing to rise with and intensify slowly, heart beating rapidly in my chest as I take a hold of the frame of the cabinet. Thank god, thank fucking god, I won't be alone in here any more, anything's better than lonesome feeling of solitude in here. I frown and furrow my brow as the door to it creaks, straining underneath my grip, but not budging beyond that. A flare of frustration surfaces in my chest as I grit my teeth, feet digging into the carpet as I lean backwards, heaving and dragging at the stuck door. My fingers feel tense and cramped, but I persist anyways despite the uncomfortable pain in them, an eager and desperate fire burning in my chest. You stupid fucking door, don't you DARE decide to oppose me now you fucking worthless piece of wood! I won't be alone in here, I don't care how long it takes, I'll keep going until my god damn fingers break in this stupid fucking place, I WILL get you open.
A chill runs up my spine as the thudding fades away, its beating becoming slower and slower by the moment, my heart thundering in my chest as I continue to try to pry at the wood. My arms burn at the pressure as the wood continues to strain against the pressure, a faint snapping noise filling my ears as my gaze looks to the door. Bits of it's been splintered underneath the strain, the faded paint job on the thing snapping off of the wood alongside it. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck, is Adrian okay? How long is he gonna be stuck in there? Is he scared, has he lost hope to be alone, just as I have? The fire in my chest flares up into a strengthened flame as I dig my fingers into the little bits past the door that's been cracked open from the process, dark wisps of nothingness barely squeezing past the cracks and eking out into the room. I grit my teeth and continue to ignore the pain that flares up in the tips of my fingers, the wood clamping down onto them, a stinging pain that pushes through the protection of the gloves. Anything that I can use to get some leverage in this case I will gladly take, I'll bear the pain, I'll do what I need to do to get him out of the void god dammit!
I grunt and wheeze for breath as the thudding trails off, the ring of silence blasting in my ears as I feverishly grip and tear at the door. Let him go, let him out of there you fucking piece of shit desk! I OWN this fucking room, this is MY fucking mind, I should have some control over this fucking pile of shit dream room thats stuck in the inbetween of my mind to house my dreaming and shitty memories.
I won't be alone, I won't be alone, not any more, not at this fucking moment! I wish I had something sharp to hack and hew at this rotting wood, but I'll keep going until my fucking hands break. Get him out, let him out. The sound of rusted metal grinding against metal fills my ears as the desk shudders once more.
LET
HIM
OUT
The snapping of the wood rings out in the silence of the room, a grin forcing itself on my face as sweat beads on my forehead, barely managing to steady myself as I'm yanked backwards from the force. My fingers clutch at the decaying plank of wood as I look down to it, what looks like dry rot taking root in the thing as it hangs on the fringe of crumbling in my grasp, looking back up into the seeping darkness that creeps out of the broken bits of the door, the encroaching black backing away from the hole that's been created. I shuffle myself closer to the door and grip at the hole in it, tearing away at the wood as best I can, splinters of it digging into my hand, even through the thickness of my gloves, the rest of it falling onto the floor. A moment of hesitation passing over my mind as I pause for a moment, a heavy feeling suddenly imbued into my limbs as I stare into the inky black depths of the cabinet, the spiraling obsidian wisps slithering out of its confines before dissipating in the stiff air.
Am I truly so desperate for someone else, anyone else to be here to keep me company here because of what I done to those poor souls that I'd willingly destroy something else in my mind without a care for its potential consequences? I don't know what this desk is meant to be containing to begin with beyond some inky black shit, behaving something akin to a storage box for random shit. I'm not sure if it's meant to symbolise something greater than what it merely appears to be, am I desecrating the remains of something that's actually important by doing this? What if I aggravate something else in my mind and snap further? If this place is my mind, then breaking things inside it would mean something, right?
The memory of knocking becoming fainter and fainter reverberates in my mind as I shake my head, a resolute feeling of steel firmly placed in my chest as I return to picking and tearing at the broken shards of the door. Whats it fucking matter to begin with? Adrians a part of me at the very least, and I won't let him to be stuck in the fucking void. If it's anything like the purgatory that I remember, then I wouldn't wish that on anyone else, I still feel cold shivers crawl up my spine whenever I think of that bleak place. Adrian's a part of my mind, even if he's a colossal fucking prick that clings to my skull and screams at me, he's still someone I refuse to leave behind. I take in deep breaths as the muscles in my arms tense and heat up in pain and exertion, looking over the remains of the door thanks to my handiwork as I plant my ass onto the carpet.
The creeping darkness tinges and corrupts the edges of the sizable hole in the thing, the rotting wood of the door putting up a surprising fight of sturdiness before being torn apart. It crumbles like dust when broken away from the door itself, but it was otherwise hardy despite its looks. I hum to myself as I drump the tips of my fingers against my thighs, an uncomfortable feeling in my throat as I look into the darkness. I uh, I didn't exactly plan beyond this, I was a bit too caught up in the moment. Fuck, are you fucking kidding me Zeke? What sort of plan is this shit? God fucking dammit.
A heated exhale pushes itself out of my flaring nose as I furrow my brow, continuing to glare into the darkness. Hm… What if I go in there and try to find him myself? Or at least, reach into the depths of it with a hand to grasp around for him? I'll be sure to find him eventually, right? How the fuck does space work inside that thing anyways.
...That wouldn't work actually, we can't physically touch each other. I still remember the feeling of his hand passing through my body to tease me like the piece of shit he is. But wouldn't it be worth the shot anyways? Who's to say that there isn't gonna be any dumb fuckery that magically makes it work? He might be able to see my hand in there as well, wouldn't he take that as a sign that I'm trying to find him? It's a faint hope that's basically grasping for straws, but it'd be better than just leaving the bastard in there.
A shiver runs up my spine as my arm tingles, shuffling closer to the inky depths, reaching out to it with a shaking hand. Fuck, I haven't even touched it yet but I can feel the chilly lingering remains of the darkness slithering up my arm. Why do I feel so scared of it? Why is it that my heart beats like a jackhammer in my chest? Is it because the stakes of what could happen is so much higher? I purse my lips together and push myself forward, plunging my arm into the dark depths of the void. The phantom chills of it becomes a reality as it encompasses my arms, gritting my teeth as I wiggle my arm around in the depths, a sinking feeling in my chest as I shove myself further into it, the numbing feeling reaching up and around my shoulder. Fuck, it's not like I can see anything in there, what if something else grabs me? Who's to know what else is meant to be in a place like this? I've only seen the dream journal that I've dragged from the depths myself, as well as Adrian himself… but what if something else comes? Something more dangerous than false paper and the leech himself?
Why the fuck am I thinking about this? Paranoia and worry or not, have a friend in the fucking void dammit, I don't have time to think, this is time for action! I purse my lips together as I push the sinking feeling of worry that clutches at my chest aside, shoving myself further into the darkness, pushing past my shoulder into the place as I throw my arm side to side, desperate to grasp or nudge with anything in there. Jesus Christ, how much space is in this thing? Hm…
The beginnings of an idea brushes against my mind as I wiggle my hand in the depths for a moment longer before pulling away, shaking the blackened wisps away as I steel my nerves. I take in a few long shuddering breaths as I continue to eye the hole while rolling my shoulders, more than a fair bit of the doors been broken away after all in my feverous haste, I might as well use it to my goddamn advantage. I slowly bring myself closer to the hole, my eyes flickering from place to place as the heart in my chest begins its thundering rejection once more. Is this really the right choice to make? Am I acting too quickly without gathering my thoughts? I know what happened last time I didn't have full control of myself…
I shake my head of those thoughts once more as I dip the tips of my fingers into the breach, the chill freezing at them as I cutch at the sides of the hole, taking in a few more deep breaths to steady myself. I might not know what I'm doing, and I might loathe myself regardless of my choice, but anything is better than inaction when someone could be at stake. I fucked up once, I won't do it again, I won't leave a friend behind to suffer the consequences of my own actions.
I take in a deep breath of air as I force myself into the hole, the feeling of frost washes over my skull as the stabbing feeling of frost clings to my skull, my eyes forced wide open as the black washes over my vision, feeling as if I've pushed my skull into freezing water. I blink as I twist and turn myself around in the void, a squeezing pressure on my being as I examine the area. Being half in and half out of a void space feels fucking awful and awkward, I don't want to be here any longer than I need to. Oh fuck, can I breathe here? Is there even air, or does it not count cause this is a dream? I don't think I wanna find out.
My chest tightens as the air in it begins to expire, the heated and nervous noise of my beating heart flooding my ears as I continue to twist and turn. This, this is an odd place, I can't see anything because there's nothing to see, and yet there's enough to see to know there's nothing there, this place is as empty and lonely as I expected, with far more space than a fucking cabinent should have. I squint into the emptiness as the edges of my vision blurs, a stinging pain in my brain as my limbs begin to deaden, cheeks bloated with air as the strands of my hair stick out at strange angles. For something that feels like water, it presses against my skull with an intensity akin to sludge, fitting for a place such as this.
The more I look, the more the hope in my heart fades, a grave feeling weighing in my chest, feeling as if it's pressing against my organs. Fuck, am I too late? Was all this time thinking and all this pain a waste? I can't give up just yet, I'll keep going till the pain of this place forces me out of here god dammit. What if.. What if he just cant see me? There's not much to see in this place, but maybe he could hear me. What do I have to lose anyways?
I push out the rest of my breath and take in another fresh heap of it, the chill of the void dragging itself down my throat like ice shards that tear at it, wincing and internally screaming in pain throughout it.
"AAAAAAADRIAN." I scream out into the abyss, the sound of my voice feeling flat and dull against my ears, fading out into the distance. There's no reply, not even a hint of it. Is he gonna be okay? Can he even hear me? How long am I going to be alone for in a place like this? My throat feels as if its been torn up and ran ragged from the air in this place, the edges of my vision darkening as the cold clutch of the void grips at my throat. Should I pull back? What if another call to him is what I need to get his attention? Would it be best to go all or nothing in a place like this? Fuck, spend less time thinking and worrying, spend more time actually doing something Zeke!
The desperate call dies in my throat as a savage feeling cough rips through it, a drained feeling sapping the energy in my limbs and chest, the cold feeling pressing down and around my body akin to a blanket. My vision turns hazy as I feel my breathing slow, a desperate feeling for air despite the pain of it, slowly blinking as I slouch forward, feeling myself fall lax against the wood. Fuck, I can't feel my legs, or arms, or my face. Son of a bitch, I bit off more than I can chew again didn't I? Trying to force myself into a place I don't know to risk myself, that's perfectly like me isn't it? Zeke, you dumb, dumb bastard…
I still try my best to look around with half lidded eyes, my breathing gentle and slowly fading as I do so. Why can't I pull myself out of here? Shouldn't I at least try to push myself out of here? My legs feel as cold as the flesh of my lips, has the darkness wrapped around the rest of my body too? It'd explain the cold, but despite how uncomfortable and awful it feels, there's a sense of… longing in my chest, as if a part of it wishes to remain in this place.
...Would it really be that bad to stay here, then? Do I deserve anything more than to be contained in an unfeeling place within my mind? It'd be better for certain people, right? I've hurt people, I've murdered them, innocent or otherwise. What about the past me, too? Wouldn't there be others who'd love to see me dead because of what I've done? If I fall so easily to violent temptations, maybe there's that part of me that I'll never be free of, what's the difference between me now and me then?
Pfeh, what happened to that bravado before Zeke? I thought I had some sort of stubborn determination to stay alive for others, if not myself. Maybe it's this place, this depressive area that seems to sap the very warmth from life itself. I'm normally used to the cold and the way it fluctuates inside me, but this, this is something different. My eyelids feel heavy as they continue to droop, a stifled yawn stirring in my throat, the cold is a pretty shitty blanket, but the allure of a snooze is tempting.
..There's nothing wrong with a small nap is there? It's my own mind, I should be able to do what I want, the bed would be warmer, but I can't be bothered trying to lug myself over to it. I just want to sleep, I want to rest, I want to feel more normal and less.. Whatever the fuck this is. Less of a bastardised mix of angst and needless fury, it'd be less of a pain to everyone else who's had the unfortunate circumstance of meeting me. Wouldn't everyone be better off without me?
I slowly open and close my eyes, the numbing pain washing over my body as I relax, lazy eyes looking around the void. Huh? When did I get in here, how long have I been in here? Was I dragged in here by the abyss? I wouldn't be surprised, I've seen far more unlikely things happen after all, haven't I? Dreams make fuck all sense anyways, who cares.
My lips twitch upwards despite the glacial freeze of the abyss, the shuddering sigh that escapes my lips hitching lightly through the splitting feeling of comforting pain. Yeah, who gives a flying fuck. My eyelids flicker for a moment longer before shutting altogether, a heavy feeling weighing on my limp body as I rest in the nothingness. I'm just gonna rest for a while is all, it really isn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, it'll be a nice time in here. And if I don't come back, then it'll be no problem for the rest of them, other than Edward having to carry me around again. Death isn't anything special, and neither am I, they'll make due without me. Losing a life is a waste, as long as it isn't mine, rules for me and not for thee.
The tips of my fingers twitch as I wince, a flush of heat washing over my body as I groan, cracking an eye open to look around. I just got done with a massive monologue about how much I dislike myself before deciding to go for a nap in the void, what the fuck is piping up after I've finished?
I hum as I look down to my chest, raising an eyebrow as I stare at a small glowing orb. It's a misty looking thing, as if it's the gleaming golden radiance from it can barely keep a solid form, flickering its fluctuating light cuts through the tenebrosity of this place. It's shine is alluring, my gaze latching onto it as life stirs back into my chest. What is this thing, where'd it come from? Why's it here of all places? Did I think of this thing, or is this another factor that's coming out of left wing to fuck with me?
A shiver runs up my spine as it thrums with its glowing heat once more, washing over my body and pushing away the dark, my lips pursed together as I push myself away from the orb as a fuzzy static echoes in my ears. What, what the fuck is this? Can I trust this? Or is it a trap from something else, something darker to attract and entice me into its clutches? Who's to say that this little thing isn't a ploy to drag me further into this place despite its initial warmth?
Its soft golden glow pulsates once more with a comforting heat, pulsing and washing over my body again, an invigorating feeling rushing in my veins. It's, it's like a warm blanket from a mother, homely and refreshing. My vision blurs as the ice in my throat melts away, the taste of honey replacing it as I raise a palm to my face, brushing away the building tears. Fuck, I'm crying again? Tsk, Zeke you fucking child, get over yourself, you're crying over nothing again you waste.
The orb's light suddenly flares up with an aggravated flame, stepping away from it as I cover my eyes from its brilliance, blinking and rubbing away the black spots that stain my vision as best I can, blocking the light and squeezing my eyes shut does nothing to stop the light assaulting my sight. It dies down after a while as I open my eyes, blinking away the pain as I cautiously stare at the floating orb. Its light flickers once as it approaches me, hovering and bobbing ever so slightly in front of me.
I squint as I take a tentative step forward, reaching out to it with a hand. It's warm throbbing encompases my body, a soft sigh of delight escaping my lips as I wrap my fingers around it, bringing it closer to my chest and caressing it gently. It feels like glass as I rub a thumb over the thing, its warm pulses far less intensive than before as I hold it in my grasp. What is this thing, why does it seem so familiar? What are the odds that this is something from my past?
The way its gold warmth surrounds me is soothing, my lips twitching upwards as the weight on my body dissipating into the void. I've seen this before, that much I can be certain of, the gold coloured flair of it niggles at my mind. I know I've seen this, but wh-
The flash of a picture brushes against my mind, the golden glow of glee filled eyes standing out from the black background, a grin on her face reaching from ear to ear as her puffed up fur glistens. It's gone as quick as it appears, a thought forming where it once was. Heh, I should've figured that some part of me would hold out for her. But, is this her or just a part of my mind that clings to the thought of keeping her safer? Mabel isn't really here, is she?
Does that matter? This little light beams and cuts into the darkness like a torch, and it's brought me out of the depths of my mind that dragged me down. A feeling of determination and resolution ignites in my chest as I gently squeeze down on the glass, curling and wrapping my fingers around it possessively. Yeah, you know what? Fuck this place for bringing me in here, I'll make my way out of this degenerative bit of my mind, and I'll drag Adrians body along with me. I'll get out of here.
The light of the glass shines between the gaps of my fingers with a renewed intensity, covering my eyes from its radiance, the sound of clanging and snapping filling my ears as they flatten against my neck. The cacophonous discord dies down slowly, the warm shield pulses and wraps around my body like a comforting hug as I look around the area.
Ruined buildings stand on either side of me, the wood that it's build of seems like its been hacked from oversized blades before being rotted away from the trial of time itself, the sound of silence rings in my ears as a heavy look of darkness falls on the area, as if the very world of this places been dimmed and removed from the light of the sun. The ruined road is made of cobblestone, large chunks of it blasted out from the sides with large pot holes splayed across the rest of it, the clutch of moss and greenery wraps around it like the clutch of a vine. A shiver runs up my spine as I grimace, the general air of this place is dark and moody, there's no sun nor moon in the sky, how can I even see anything here then? Is that because of the orb?
The orb throbs in my hand as I look down to it, a comforting feeling washing away the building dread and worry in my chest as I let out a tense sigh, shutting my eyes and counting up. One, two, three, we got this Zeke. I won't let my fear and loathing control me anymore, and I won't relish the control of those feelings.
I open my eyes and nod to myself, walking forward down the street, the clacking of my claws against stone the only sound in this place, clashing against the building static in my ears. I don't know what this place is, nor why it feels so familiar, but if I'm here then I'm here for a damn good reason. I just need to find out what that is, and where I am.
I bite down on the worry that threatens to numb my limbs, a hand raised to my chest as I continue my march. The golden sphere beats alongside my heart.