Disclaimer: I do not own Hakuoki. This amazing anime was created by Asuka Yamazaki, Kazuhiko Hasegawa and Mitsutoshi Ogura. I only created my Asuna and some side characters.
Beta Reader: Waffle (Thank you for being the bestest!)
Rated Teen for violence, blood, coarse language and / or sexually suggestive scenes (rating will change to Mature in the future as story progresses, readers have been advised).
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Kiss Of Snow
By: Swanna
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Chapter 23: A Matter Of Trust
Hijikata unleashed a powerful kick to the ronin in front of him. The enemy fell back against the wooden door of a half-demolished warehouse with immense force. It exploded with a thunderous crash, and splinters of wood flying in all directions.
"It's the Shinsengumi!"
The men quickly got to their feet and turned their gaze upon the members of Shinsengumi, who charged through the portal. They readied themselves for a battle when they saw Hijikata, dressed in his usual blue haori uniform, storm in and standing before them.
"Throw down your weapons now," Hijikata gritted his teeth. "We will kill anyone who resists arrest."
As soon as the ronin exchanged glances, the silent command to attack bellowed in the air. In an instant, swords were drawn and they struck simultaneously. Two of the ronin charged at Hijikata head on, while others were clashing their weapons with rest of the Shinsengumi.
Hijikata lifted his sword and blocked the two enemies' blades at the same time. With agility and precision, he dashed from side to side to slash at the ronin with his sword. Without so much as a word, the two men dropped to the floor with blood splattering from their necks and abdomen. He looked ahead and saw another ronin rushing out from another room. The man snarled as he ran towards Hijikata with a blade held in his hand. He evaded the swing of the sword with ease, and then in one quick counter, he turned his weapon at the ronin, slicing through his flesh. Like a puppet with its strings cut, the man fell forward and suffered the same fate as his accomplices.
After they killed two more ronin, the others began to surrender and were apprehended for their crimes. Hijikata and a few others proceeded to search around the compound itself, looking up on the shabby rooftops, all along the filthy wall itself until they came upon another dimly lit room. At the opposite corner of the room sat three young girls, who were all bound with ropes. They wore identical expressions of complete terror. One of them was dressed in men's clothing, though her clothes were torn and her face was smeared with blood and dirt.
Hijikata didn't pause to indulge in any expression of feelings, even though she reminded him of Chizuru. Without a word, he crouched down in front of the girl and took off his haori and draped it across her body.
"You're safe now." A promise barely above a whisper.
Slowly she opened her hazel eyes and looked into his. The lightheadedness seemed to have passed from her as she straightened up and her lips curved. This girl was far from helpless and fragile; she had a will of iron if she could still muster a smile for a stranger despite her dire situation. When three more Shinsengumi members entered the room, Hijikata moved out of the way to let them take over and headed back out of the building.
Saito approached him. "Hijikata-san, there are only three alive, making a total of eight killed."
"Bring them back to the headquarters for interrogation. We need to uproot their existence as quickly as possible."
"And what should we do with the girls we rescued?"
"Get some of our men to escort them back home to their families." With that, Saito gave a military nod and strode off to carry out the orders given to him.
Hijikata lifted up his head. The night sky was dark and cloudy with no visible moon nor signs of storms coming. He could tell summer was fast approaching as the heat was gaining intensity. He wondered if this summer would be spent more on fire lines than regular law enforcement and patrolling duties.
Soon the rest of the Shinsengumi members exited the warehouse and in his peripheral vision, he saw the girl from earlier walk towards him. She bowed to him deeply; an expression of gratitude and reverence lit up her countenance. Even at times like these, her mannerisms were extremely refined. It was an indication of a proper and strict upbringing.
"Thank you for saving me." Her voice was gentle, almost steady. "May I know your name?"
"We're just doing our duty so no need to thank us."
Naturally he decided against telling her his name since he was certain they wouldn't meet again. Everything he had done for the people of Kyoto was on behalf of the Shinsengumi, and not of his own accord. Civilians only need to familiarize themselves with the name of the Shinsengumi and their efforts to protect them and the city's interest. At least that was the direction of his thoughts until one of his Captains came along and interrupted them.
Shinpachi crossed his arms over his massive chest. "Hijikata-san is a very modest man! He doesn't want others to give him special attention and make a big fuss over him."
And yet here he stood, doing the exact opposite of what he said. These guys just didn't know when to keep their mouths shut and stop causing trouble.
"Do I need to make you hold your tongue?" Hijikata held back his temper, but the authority was very much in his voice. Right away, Shinpachi acquiesced to the command and sealed his lips in perennial silence.
"Hijikata…" She nodded; admiration reflected in her eyes. "I will remember you."
"Shinpachi here will take care of you and escort you home."
The man was stunned into a gape-mouthed stupor as he was now forced to miss out on his late-night activities. But he'd also known wagging a loose tongue would run the risk of punishments, only this time it wasn't a severe one. Besides, all tasks had to be done, whether they were big or small; complex or dangerous. And if Shinpachi could do it, then he would. This resulted in the endless nature of their responsibilities as leaders.
"Wait a minute, Hiji-" He walked off before Shinpachi could finish the sentence.
Just when Hijikata got rid of one irritant, another one was right behind him. Sanosuke's mouth twitched in amusement.
"I don't want to hear a single word from you. Not one," he snapped.
Sanosuke tightened his lips even more, trying hard to suppress the grin. "Did you just put another poor, unsuspecting young woman under your spell, Vice-Commander?"
A snort. "Cut the crap before you get on my nerves."
"Aren't your nerves already shaken by someone else?" He chided before disappearing from Hijikata's side, drifting in and out of sight as they prepared to head back.
As their group marched through one of the main streets back to the headquarters, a number of civilians were gathered around. Their mouths dropped open in astonishment at the sight of the Shinsengumi members. Unfortunately, most responded not with respect, but with fear. As Hijikata scanned through the crowd, from face to face, he spotted someone familiar not far from them. Someone he didn't think he would see in the city.
"Hijikata-san?" Saito probed, noticing Hijikata stop in his tracks and look back the way they'd come.
"You all go on ahead first and I'll follow in a moment."
Hijikata separated himself from the group and hurried towards the person. Quickening his steps, he followed her into an alleyway. The moment he rounded the corner, Kimigiku was already waiting for him in the shadowy depths of the building. She struck him with a punch, but he caught her wrist swiftly.
"Hey, wai-"
Smirking, she reared her leg back and spun on her heels to release herself from his grip. Without hesitation, she bolted at him again and attacked him with a flurry of kicks and punches that drove him back. Hijikata knew he should lunge and strike back, but he couldn't bring himself to, since he had no desire to engage in this fight and risk injuring her. Blow for blow, he continued to dodge them all and refused to counter-attack.
"Enough."
Her response was to lift a single fine eyebrow. "What do you mean? We're just getting started."
Kimigiku threw fist upon fist at him in an effort to hit him, but he blocked each punch with his forearms. When she finally extended her leg in a side kick, Hijikata rushed forth and caught her leg and threw her off balance with a firm push. Before she could regain her balance, he grabbed her arms and held her against the wall.
"Don't make this any worse," he warned her with a dangerous edge to his tone.
"Is this how the famous Shinsengumi Vice-Commander treats women? Attacking them in dark alleys?"
Hijikata's mouth contorted into a tight frown. "If I recall correctly, you attacked me first."
"I guess I did." Her slight smile was highlighting the glint in her eyes. A glint that suggested an impish, playful spirit beneath her bland exterior. "Who wouldn't want to attack you in the dark? You're a very handsome man, after all. Perhaps you can even be charming when you put your mind to it too."
The huskiness in her voice didn't surprise Hijikata. He knew the potency of this particular act from females only too well. She was mocking him on purpose to ruffle his feathers. That smile was proof of it. Unfortunately for her, he wasn't going to give her the pleasure of seeing him angry. Her expression quickly fell in feigned disappointment when she didn't get the reaction she hoped for.
"Not a single blush, huh? I suppose you must realize the impact you have on women."
Instead of fighting him off, he felt her body relax and arch further against him. Hijikata immediately let go of her arms and stepped back away from her, out of her reach. What a persistent, irritating woman.
"Knock it off already. I'm not here for your entertainment," he said, glaring at her until some of her twisted amusement fled her.
Growing somber again, Kimigiku tossed her hair over her shoulder and planted a hand on her hips. "You want to tell me why you were following me, then?"
"I want to speak with Senhime. Can you take me to her?"
"Maybe. If you ask me nicely."
"Maybe?"
She gave him a look that reminded him of an unbending, relentless warrior, matched with a tone that would make a lesser man cringe. "When a man asks a woman for something, the least he could do is to treat her with courtesy and respect, and I will have that from you, Hijikata Toshizou. So if you want something from me, you will have to ask me nicely."
The vein on his temple pulsated with annoyance. This woman… A formidable adversary as any he'd encountered on the battlefield. Normally he would have liked nothing more than matching wits with a worthy opponent. But right now, he had neither the mood nor the patience to deal with her.
Hijikata steeled his jaw. "Would you mind taking me to Senhime?"
She tapped her chin with a forefinger, seemingly lost in thought before she said in a teasing voice, "Not bad, but you need a little more work. Come with me."
Kimigiku walked ahead of him, swaying her hips slightly at every pace. Rather than becoming more agitated, he bore his misfortunes with stability and control. Because he knew he would see Asuna soon. If only life was so accommodating.
X X X
Hijikata was brought to one of the private rooms in Sumi. Already it felt like he had been here not too long ago, before all the strange and frustrating circumstances he'd recently endured. Time had really passed him by.
Senhime entered the room shortly, with a confident air to her pose. His eyes flickered up to her as she came through the door, and he acknowledged her with a small bow of his head. She returned it and situated herself across from him.
"Kimigiku mentioned you wanted to see me?"
"Yes. I wasn't aware you were still in the city. I thought you and Asuna had already returned to your village that day." His heart picked up pace as he asked, "Is she with you? I want to see her."
Her hesitation was instantly apparent to Hijikata. "Asuna-chan isn't with me. She's left Kyoto to go after Mitsuru's brother."
"What?" He demanded as blood drained from his face; his features etched with white fury and fright. "Why didn't you stop her? Why did you let her go alone?"
Senhime paused, taken aback by the cutting tone of the questions. "You speak as if you have never tried to stop Asuna-chan when she was determined to do something."
Her caustic words burned and stung, rendering him speechless. He knew that Asuna was headstrong and once she decided on a course of action, nothing could dissuade her and make her budge from it. Alone and outnumbered, it would be suicidal for her to fight against so many demons at once. Hijikata had seen them fight and fought a few himself, and he recognized their extraordinary strength and endurance. She could be seriously injured or even killed, and she must have known that. So why did she insist on fighting to the bitter end by herself?
"Where is she right now? I will go and find her." There was no way in hell he would let her face the wrath of vengeance alone. No way.
Senhime looked back at him with a blank expression. That was when Hijikata realized she had no information about Asuna, just like him. "Kazama didn't tell us Einosuke's location, but he's gone with her. And as long as he's with her, he'll keep her saf-"
"Kazama? The demon who tried to force her to be his mate?" He growled ominously. An intense, gnawing anger rose up in him like an uncontrollable, destructive flood.
"He won't harm her," Senhime met his hostility with maddening tranquility. "I can guarantee that."
"Harm can come in many forms. You also can't guarantee her safety when you aren't with her," he ruthlessly reminded her.
"Even if you don't trust me, you should trust Asuna-chan and her ability to make the right decision."
Trust? How could he trust Asuna wouldn't do something foolish to bring harm to herself? Especially when she had already thrust herself into danger? Anger deserted Hijikata, leaving him enervated with desperation and confusion. Unable to help himself, his next questions were asked against his better judgement.
"Why did she go to him for help? Why did she need his help?"
Yet she had refused Hijikata's help and even gone to great lengths to force him out of her life. Why? His vision glazed over at the loathsome thought of another man by her side, protecting her and doing things for her that he could do himself.
"Asuna-chan didn't go to him for help, at least not at first. But then she knew she had no other options since she needed to track down Einosuke." Her eyes turned solemn. "I know this may be overstepping my boundaries, but regarding what you said to her at the garden the other day, I want to clarify that this isn't about trust. I know she is as concerned for your safety as you are of hers."
Knowing Asuna as he did, Hijikata immediately saw what Senhime was trying to tell him. Asuna, with her strong will and determined disposition, was never one to burden others with her own problems. She preferred to suffer in silence so that others would not suffer because of her actions. And she would do whatever she had to do to ensure that wouldn't happen.
Then all this meant… "She deliberately pushed me away to protect me from the danger she saw coming," he said in a rather faint voice, as if he was talking to himself. He finally realized how much of a fool he had been.
"Would you have walked away from this conflict otherwise?" Senhime asked, seeming to respond favorably to his conjecture. "Even if your safety isn't in question, this is a conflict between demons and your involvement isn't needed in the first place."
His face creased into a deep scowl. "Again with all this human and demon nonsense. I'm sick of hearing about it. Why don't you all just back off and let me make my own damn choice. I will lay down my life to protect her from any harm if I must."
A long, thoughtful pause. "Have you developed feelings for Asuna-chan?"
Hijikata wasn't startled by the question at all. Asuna was the reason he had come to Sumi tonight, and he had counted on Senhime to recognize the reason behind his concerns and his eagerness to see her.
"Yes," he admitted without hesitation, well aware that Senhime's acute gaze would see through any attempt at prevarication. Complete honesty would also engender trust between them. "And I don't care that she's a demon. I just want to protect her."
She looked at him for a stretching moment. "You are aware that she likely won't accept your feelings, right?"
"I know," he said, facing her question squarely. Though his hopeless frustration punched through in spite of himself. "Asuna's sense of duty to her race will hold her back and my existence as a human will also be held against me. I don't want to weigh her down with my feelings, nor will I stifle them out of fear to be rejected."
"Even though you will be the one to get hurt in the end? Your devotion will still remain unchanged?"
"There are times when you just have to make that leap into the abyss and worry about the bruises later." Because sometimes, there were no other choices.
All those years Asuna had spent alone embracing her hardships had forged the steel of her nature. He already knew she wouldn't allow anyone else close enough to create that depth of vulnerability in her heart again. But Hijikata was also a man who dreamed the impossible and dared to believe it. Now he dared to hope that one day he could reach her heart.
Senhime's face broke into an unexpected smile, and there was such serenity in it that it brought his chaotic emotions to a standstill. "You really have more in common than you might think. You both show an unbending determination to fight against odds."
"I've been told that I'm stubborn as a rock." The inference behind his remark deepened her smile.
"Asuna-chan is willful, she always has been and always will be." Affectionate words coming from a demon. "She knows what she wants."
"Knowing what she wants isn't the same as knowing what she needs."
Hijikata knew he could give her what she really needed even if he didn't fit the mold of a man she would take as her own. For an insane moment, he wanted to use the word mate, but that appeared to have a very specific meaning for demons. Though it hurt him like hell to admit it, Asuna might never think of him as a possible mate.
"Would it help to ease your worries if I tell you that Kazama and I are already forming a plan to keep Asuna-chan safe?"
Glad for the reassurance and a change of subject, he asked, "What sort of plans?"
Senhime gave an emphatic shook of her head. "This is all I can disclose to you for now. You just need to trust us to keep her safe."
Hijikata didn't like the way she deliberately excluded him from their plans, but he could appreciate her tactical mind and efficiency in taking care of a threat. "I trust you, but I don't trust him."
"Although I often disagree with Kazama's method of doing things, even those who oppose him don't doubt his sincerity. And this time, he seemed different. He seemed like he genuinely wanted to help her."
Once more his foundation was rocked. No doubt that bastard had been waiting for the appropriate moment to swoop in and be Asuna's savior. And who knew what was in that mind of his. Maybe he hoped to weaken her resolve and hang around to act as her protector? Fuck. Hijikata really hated that man to the core. Most of all he hated the fact that there was nothing he could do about it. All he could do now was to sit and wait for Asuna's return. To wait for her to come back to him safely. It could be several days, or it could be a month.
He had to wait... To discern times and just wait. Even though it would kill him inside.
Noticing his clenched hands and aggressive stance, he drew in a long, deep breath to bring himself back under control before he trusted himself to speak again.
"Then I hope you're not disappointed and that your faith isn't misplaced. Because if he fails to bring Asuna back safely, I will spill his blood and I promise to find glory in his death." Hijikata rose to his full height. "I think I've taken up enough of your time for tonight. I will take my leave now."
Senhime rose to her feet as well. Kimigiku, who had been guarding outside the room the entire time, followed along. He ignored her taunting smirk when he strode past her. Both women then walked him to the front entrance. At the entranceway, Senhime called out to him one last time. Hijikata turned to look at her and there was the smile again. Only now, it seemed more eloquent than affirming.
"My ancestor mated with my great grandfather, and he was a human." He caught the hidden message in that statement. "Just remember, fire melts ice."
A slow grin spread over his face for the first time that night, with a blinding radiance of hope inside of him. "Are you taking my side now?"
"I'm taking both sides as long as it allows her to find happiness. She trusts you, though I don't think she realizes yet that she does."
Hijikata hoped Senhime was right as he was ready to confront Asuna with his feelings. He would convince her to stay, on any terms, even just for a short while longer. It wouldn't matter even if she merely tolerated his presence. He was willing to wait. Because in the end, all he had was his stubborn determination…and his heart. And she was worth waiting for, no matter how long it would take for her to accept him.
"You really should tell me how your friendship started one day."
Her smile grew brilliant. "One day, I promise."
X X X
By the time Kazama returned from gathering wood chips and bark to keep the fire burning, Asuna had already taken a seat under a tree in a naturally elegant of manner. She had her eyes closed; the thick fringe of her lashes pressed against her skin. Intensely curious about her, he took this rare opportunity to study her. Her long, seemingly soft hair that graced her regal features was gathered to one side and cascaded down to her slender waist, revealing a sleek neck. A graceful, feminine one. His eyes slid to her perfect nose, her high cheekbones and her unexpectedly provocative lips. He simply watched as she brought her heartbeat and breathing under a level of control he had never witnessed in any individual. It was almost as if she had willed herself out of existence.
Such a beauty, inside and out, he thought to himself wistfully.
Approaching closer on silent steps, Kazama put down the firewood and took his place next to her. When observing her close up like this, there was a sudden realization settling upon him of just how fragile she was. She seemed more breakable. He had the certainty of awareness that he could close his hand over her shoulder and crush it. But he tended to forget that when she was awake, as he only saw the cold steel of her spine and the icy determination of her eyes.
Strength. He saw a pureblood demoness of incredible strength.
Though now, as his gaze took in the naked skin of her nape, he had a glimpse of her vulnerability. His desire to run his tongue over that flawless silky skin, so vivid and tempting, that he'd barely resisted the urge to bite. To mark.
He continued to maintain his silence and observed her. As he'd seen the other day, she could put on the appearance of the perfect ice princess on cue, but he knew that was all it was. An appearance of complete indifference. As hard as Asuna had tried to block her emotions, she couldn't hide her physical reaction. Fury. Pure, enraged female demon fury. But not only was her act good, the fact that he was induced to help her had meant she could also be quite brilliant in her ability to compel men to do her bidding without coercion or qualm. Yet, she had never played the game of manipulation and control with him, and chose blunt honesty instead.
All this somehow made Kazama want to bare his fangs, not in anger, but in hunger. An explicit, devouring hunger for her entire being as he'd never before wanted a woman. His demonic side had been, and still was, constantly fighting to overrule his humanity. It was strong. It was getting so strong that he had started wondering if he would ever go rogue in the true sense of the word, just like those damn Rasetsu. To lose his humanity and surrender completely to the savagery of the predator who cared nothing for a woman's fragility, only for her submission.
Asuna's eyes suddenly opened, locking her exotic blue-green eyes with his. "Why are you watching me?"
"I'm fascinated by you."
By her sensuous, ivory skin, as if she had never seen the sun, her ebony hair and her lush figure. He had been entranced by the girl from his memories, and now completely captivated by the woman she had become. Decades ago, she had been pleasing to the eyes even as a child. But now, there was something else. Something more polished, sophisticated and undeniably appealing.
Kazama spoke again to release some of the tension and to leash the demon inside him before it broke to the surface. "What would happen if I took a bite out of you and have a taste of your blood?"
It was no secret that he longed to know what her blood tasted like. He could smell the sweet fragrance of her skin, hear the blood pumping through her veins, and somehow sense the dark hatred in her heart. It was buried real deep, but it was there.
She gave him a stare cold enough to freeze a man's zeal; the warning transparent in her tone as her hand reached for the demon slaying sword. "Come and find out yourself."
It was a soft, lethal threat. Kazama had been expecting that response, though why, he couldn't say. It just seemed right on a fundamental level. It seemed like something the ice princess would say.
"Your warning is overdramatic, but clear."
"Then stop whatever you think you're doing. You're disturbing me."
Her words delighted him as he realized he had the advantage. If he could disturb her that much without actually touching her, then what kind of havoc could he wreak if he sank his fangs into her? A thrill of excitement passed through Kazama at the possibility of exploring further. He wanted to taste her and for her to taste him.
"Good." His mouth quirked up in a wicked smirk that would have scared the faint-hearted. "I don't like being ignored."
"I don't care what you like or dislike." She held his gaze. An unfeeling response from a demoness with a heart of turbulent fire.
"I'll remind you again that since I'm helping you, the least you could do is to adjust your attitude towards me."
"Your opinion is noted, but ignored." Asuna fired back, imitating his earlier mannerism. Her tone was low and harsh, but surprisingly, there was a speck of playfulness in it instead of the anger he had anticipated. Before he could even muster a reaction of any kind, her seriousness returned. "We've been traveling for three days now. Where exactly is our destination?"
"You want me to disclose the location so you can just steal my horse and ride away without me?"
She didn't admit or deny the accusation. Rather, she said discernibly, "I can't decide whether you're being distrusting or paranoid."
"Maybe a bit of both."
They sat around the fire in silence for the next little while, basking in the warmth and listening to it crackle and blaze as Kazama piled on more wood. Asuna continued to stare at him. He couldn't tell if she was attempting to come up with a delayed retort or trying to figure him out. Or perhaps she was waiting for an explanation. In fact, he could use an explanation from her. What made her so confident in her own ability to resolve a conflict that she was sure to lose? Did she really think she alone could stop Einosuke from bearing a grudge and exacting his revenge against her?
"What are your big plans after you locate Uchiyama Einosuke?" She was silent for a moment, as though she was debating whether to let him in on her secret. Kazama gave her a sidelong, conspiratorial glance when he saw the smallest trace of a spark in her eyes. "You do have a plan, don't you?"
He knew the pride of demons. Honorable demons would not withdraw and leave the fight for another day. And Asuna was evidently doing the last thing anyone had expected by bringing the war to them instead of just reacting to their attacks and fighting them off as they came for her. After all, she appeared to understand the best defense was a good offense. For someone as strategic as her, Kazama hoped she wouldn't be so foolish as to face an enemy that she had no idea how to engage in battle. Surely there would be violence. Those demons were always armed and ready to inflict pain and suffering. It was the way of the Uchiyama Clan, and she would be facing them alone. How could she win against them all?
"You just need to take me to him like you promised. Other than that, you don't need to concern yourself with the details."
He responded with the slight lift of a brow in consternation. "Your hypocrisy is showing, don't you think?"
"The fact that I'm not revealing my plans to you isn't because I don't trust you. There's simply no need to burden you with my problems, especially when they aren't significant to you."
In that instant, Kazama wanted to tell her everything that happened to her was important to him. Everything. His desire to reassure her warred with his need to maintain his dignity and not look as if he were groveling for her hand. Which he wasn't. Not exactly. He simply didn't want her thinking she could twist him about her finger and get him to do whatever she wanted. But after their mating bond, he planned to make her promise him that she would come to him no matter how insignificant she thought her problems would be.
Suddenly realizing he was getting ahead of himself, he forced his thoughts to slow down. "Does that mean you trust me, then?"
"That remains to be seen, doesn't it?"
Every answer she'd given him so far seemed carefully calculated, premeditated, and Kazama loathed her for it. He barely fought the growing urge to sink his teeth into the delicate curve of her neck and bite her. Asuna became very still, almost as if she had sensed his tenuous control. And yet she didn't retreat.
"But you trust me to keep my promise." It wasn't a question this time.
"Yes," she replied without the slightest hesitation; not seeming to realize that she had maintained constant eye contact.
Her response both pleased and disappointed him. It pleased him because honesty and loyalty meant everything to him. Despite her constant protestations to become his mate, she still trusted him not only to keep his promise, but also to do what was right. Nonetheless, Asuna recognized him as a demon of honor. He felt disappointed however, because it also meant that she placed her trust in others too easily and took people at face value. Her decisions would often be made instinctually instead of factually, which could lead to damaging consequences for herself.
"Then shouldn't you express the same skepticism towards that group of mortals you were with? There isn't much reason for humans and demons to trust each other in the first place. They would only take advantage of your trust to serve their own purposes."
Asuna gave him an inquiring look. Other than that, there was no indication that his words of caution would be heeded. "Regardless of demons or humans, I don't readily give my trust to anyone who hasn't earned it."
He narrowed his eyes at her defiance. That same defiance, that quiet insistence on what she knew to be right. But Kazama was never one to do things half-way, either. "Are you saying those humans have earned your trust already?"
"I'm saying it may take a long time for me to give my trust to someone and I will remove it as quickly as an instant if I ever feel threatened or manipulated. They haven't done either of those things during the time I stayed with them." She paused briefly, then added, "But with you, it's a different matter."
"What do you mean?"
"Didn't you try to intimidate me only couple of days ago?" She reminded him icily, her gaze was equally glacial. It only enticed him more against all sense and reason. "And now I know you're a danger to me."
"Are you intimidated by me?"
She blinked, as if confused by the question. "I'm not. Why would I be?"
"Because you know that isn't all there is to me, and you're afraid you'll find something else you like." His shrewd remark drew absolutely no reaction from her. Her expression was so preternaturally calm that he wanted to bite her.
"You flatter yourself. You don't know anything about me except what you see."
"I know more than you think, but I'm sure there's plenty you could tell me."
Kazama was genuinely interested. Once she became his, he would take his time to know everything there was to know about her. To pare the layers until he reached her core. He wanted to know what she liked to do, what made her heart pound and how she liked to be treated as his mate. He wanted to know her better, to understand her more.
"What you think you know about me was only a mere part of my past and it is of no relevance anymore. Besides, why would I tell you anything? What possible good would come out of it and what would it prove?"
"I know the woman you are today." An absolute statement of fact. "And every part of your past has shaped and brought you to where you are today. Denying or forgetting those experiences would only make you disregard the lessons each taught you. Much like how you're associating with humans now despite the genocide and mass murders suffered by our people."
His words came out sharper than he had intended, and she obviously picked up on the edge of disdain. Even though she likely recognized his notions were representative much of what their demon race thought, she still chose to respond in an oppositional, almost sullen way.
"They aren't the sam-"
Kazama cut her off, since he knew what she was about to say. "You know better than anyone what they're capable of. They will act against us eventually, they always do. They took everything away from you, from all of us, but you still defend them. I don't understand it."
For a straining moment, silence enveloped them. He half expected a remonstrance from her. He didn't get it. Her quiet voice then shattered the tension building between them.
"You think I'm simple-minded and that they're using me."
"I think you show them compassion they don't deserve, and they take advantage of that. I've been around humans who've wanted to use me for their own gain. I've seen how they hurt and killed to get what they want."
"Think what you like." Her stony tone and expression dismissed him, as if he were no more important in the scheme of things than an insect. "But I know the Shinsengumi aren't like that. Even to their own people, they are seemingly merciless and aloof. But they show warmth and consideration for others in their own way."
"We aren't the same. They are humans and their fear can become strong and violent if they let it rule their actions."
History had already proven that point. Both races cannot coexist and advance together without establishing a rivalry between them in the struggle for dominance. These power-driven humans were simply too ignorant, trying to disregard things they saw with their own eyes. They feared what they could not control and understand. And to transform their fear into aggression, they had brutally pushed the demon world out of their consciousness just so they could pretend humans were the dominant breed.
Asuna had suffered from their vicious acts and cruelty, so she should be the one who hated them the most. Yet it didn't appear that way for some reason. Instead, she sat here defending them with such conviction. It made no sense. What had that group of humans done for her to earn her trust and loyalty? But unlike the first time they'd met, Kazama wanted to try and understand her perspective without judgement this time. By now, he knew she had this quiet way of looking at everything. If only there was a way for him to get into that mind of hers and find out what went on there.
"You have made your intentions clear, so now let me tell you mine. If I choose to trust those mortals then that's my affair, until I decide otherwise. If I'm wrong and it leads to my own death, it will be on me and only me."
Asuna abruptly got up from the ground. Instead of persuading Kazama or engaging with him further, she wanted to be left alone to clear her head. She wanted to protect her world and to be left alone inside it.
"Where are you going?" He demanded with a watchful gaze.
"Somewhere quiet enough so I can find my solitude for the night since I don't need you to talk to me." A harsh response that left no room for objection or compromise. Without waiting for his reaction, she walked away.
Soon she came upon a secluded spot deeper in the forest surrounded by tall, massive trees. Taking to the sky with a leap, Asuna was on the top of a nearby tree. She settled down on a thick branch and leaned against the trunk to look up at the vast curve of the starless night sky. For a moment, she was able to keep her mind blank and didn't think of anything at all. From her high vantage point, she could overlook the green forest and the nature of the lands below her. This unique sensation had never changed for her. The sensation of freedom, almost as if she'd never been a prisoner to herself and that there was nothing she couldn't do.
Unfortunately, it didn't take long before she was denied of her peace and contentment once again. But rather than forcefully pushing away her thoughts like the other times, she finally decided to surrender to them and allowed her mind to drift to the coming night. Thinking back to the conversation she'd had with Kazama, she wondered what brought on her unexpected display of trust for the Shinsengumi. Although she had no longer suspected them of having ulterior motives, it didn't mean she trusted them implicitly. It only meant her reservation towards this group of mortals had receded in response to their willingness to give her space and privacy; it allowed her to force back her skepticism enough for her to reside with them temporarily.
"You never believed in any of us. Not in me. You never trusted me."
Hijikata's last angry words merged with the image of his expression reverberated in her head. His anger was understandable, especially since he was met with resentment instead of gratitude after he had risked his life to save her. Though the expression he'd had when she'd told him that she hadn't wanted to be saved by him, was embedded in her memory. And there was no way for her to erase it, no matter how hard she tried. Hurt she recognized, something very close to hurt had crossed his face.
Asuna always knew she was capable of hurting someone to protect herself. She could live with blood on her hands. But this time was different, very different. This time she seemed to have hurt someone in order to protect them. Knowing that it was impossible for her to stay with him without putting him in danger, it should've been much easier for her to push him away. Instead, there was a weight in her chest that she couldn't explain. Almost as if the air had thickened and pressed in around her with malevolent intent. She still couldn't understand why he was hurt. If she were to think objectively, he had never cared about how she viewed humans, so why should he care what she thought of them now? And why did his reaction even matter?
Something inside her had changed since that night, Asuna realized. Something indefinable that she couldn't name. Somehow, she felt connected to Hijikata on another level now. All she'd wanted that night was comfort, the feeling of being anchored by the unyielding strength from his body, and the rush of release from the darkness that only he seemed capable of giving her. Since she had gotten what she wanted, there was nothing more to it. Yet, she felt branded by his touch, which could never be repeated again. She still couldn't forget the sensation of being in his arms. It was so exquisite that she had remembered the feeling of his jaw resting on top of her head, his hand strong and warm on her lower back, and his chest a hard, muscled wall that flexed against her.
"I care about you."
"Care," Asuna repeated the word to herself.
Why should he, a human, care about a demon like her? Had she been wrong the entire time to assume he meant to her what she meant to him? But what did he mean to her? A man who could bring forth mutual benefits to both of them despite their differences? An unusual comrade who had an understanding heart? Sighing inwardly, she chose not to confront that question at all. This was exactly what Asuna did not need: an unwanted and burdensome affection that caught her in the shackles of emotions, making her feel trapped like a prisoner.
The pain she had been able to afflict on him confused her as did his kindness. Why couldn't Hijikata just despise her the way he should like the rest of his race, or at least feel indifferent? This wouldn't have been so baffling if he didn't care about her. He should have continued treating her as an outsider like he'd always had. He should have utilized every advantage he had to get his way and what he wanted. He should have used and exploited her to increase his own power and influence. And she should've been nothing but a tool to him. Then his sense of value in things would have fitted him particularly well as a mortal. After all, Asuna needed something to go right, something to make sense. Because at this moment, everything had become very complicated, perplexing and so difficult to grasp. There were simply too many things she didn't understand.
She could accept his accusation of being the one who was unable to let go of their differences. She couldn't let go because she couldn't give up everything she believed in so easily. Even if she didn't want to assimilate herself back into the demon realm, demons were her people, all she had. Hijikata may have thought he cared for her now but he was a mortal, and when push came to shove, he would always choose his people over her. She knew he would. And so would she.
But why, then, couldn't she stop thinking about him?
No, all this was irrelevant now. Not when Asuna wasn't even sure if she would survive the coming battle. She didn't care if she died. As long as no one else would suffer because of her, she was quite prepared to fight until death took her last breath. This was how it was. How it should be. And if she had to give up her life in the process out of necessity, then so be it.
X X X
AUTHOR NOTE:
Hi folks, sorry for the small delay as I've been busy binging the entire season 19 Hell's Kitchen lol! It was definitely one of the better seasons in my opinion, less drama and fighting, which I have little interest in, haha.
Anyway, I want to thank those of you who reviewed/followed/favorited the previous chapters! It's always nice to see new readers enjoying the story! Speaking of which, I don't know why I have to make Kazama so appealing…now I don't even know who I want Asuna to be with LOL! The story is writing itself, I'm telling you! Well, bye for now and see you guys next time!