Beta Reader: Waffle (Thank you for being the bestest!)
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Kiss Of Snow
By: Swanna
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Chapter 28: Frost and Ice
Hijikata knew the stolen indulgence of the previous night would come back to bite him hard, and it had. Just not in the way he thought it might, but worse, much worse. The delicate floral scent of her had continued teasing him with its feminine allure throughout the night and well into the next morning, until he drew it in with every breath. After having lost his mind like that last night, there was no turning back now. He'd had a taste of Asuna and he was through with waiting. Cursing silently in his head, he made a decision and dragged himself out of his futon to find her.
The sun was barely over the horizon now. He had no idea how long he had been standing outside Asuna's quarters, waiting for her to come out of that door. He only knew it'd been way too long while he waited as patiently as his strength would allow.
Not that patience was ever one of his virtues, but at least since he had become the Vice-Commander, he'd learned to temper it a little. Though at this moment, in this setting, the silence around him was definitely not an asset. He waited. There were so many things he wanted to say to her, so many feelings he wanted to share with her. And he couldn't help wondering if his words would be locked behind some barrier again like the other times.
The door slid open, and Hijikata knew something was wrong the instant Asuna walked out of her room. They looked at each other and held their gazes. Despite the fact that his gut was tight in anticipation of trouble, he approached her, but stayed just out of reach. The three-stride distance seemed like a deep, wide chasm. Yet he knew the closer he got to her, the harder the struggle would be to stop himself from touching her.
Though somehow none of this made it any less startling to come face-to-face with her, only to realize that no trace remained of the woman who had let him kiss her. Every nerve in him went stiff in rejection. Not of her, but of the mask she had donned once again. She was hiding herself and that infuriated him. He wanted nothing more than to force her to remove it, even though he didn't understand why it made him so wildly furious.
Asuna said nothing, as if waiting for him to speak first, which Hijikata did. "I'm not here to apologize for last night."
"Then what are you here for?" Her tone was as cold and biting as the look in her eyes, which set every one of his instincts on edge.
"We need to talk."
"So talk."
"Just drop the nonchalant attitude and really listen to what I'm saying." His hackles rose, as they always did when she turned herself back into a demoness of unrelenting frost and ice again. "I won't apologize for wanting you."
Hijikata watched her, searching for a ripple of emotion to pass through her, however fleeting. So far he had seen nothing that would have exposed her deepest and most buried feelings. There was nothing at all, not even a shadow. It was as though his confession was no concern of hers.
"You appear to be getting too emotionally attached to me. I don't know where all this is coming from, but I can tell you that your affection is misplaced," she said with an arrogance that made him scowl.
"Don't feed me that crap and tell me you don't feel this thing between us. I know you felt it last night too, so stop pretending it doesn't exist."
"Us?" The word rolled out of her mouth as if she knew it didn't belong. "There is no us. There never was and never will be. You're a human and I'm a demon, we have nothing."
The flames of anger spread like acid in his blood. It was powering him, making him push her in a way that he would've never pushed any other woman. "So this is what it's all about. It's because I'm a human."
"You don't think perhaps this is what it has always been about?" Asuna tilted her head, not understanding the meaning of his statement. Her words succinct and sharp enough to draw blood. "I can't give you what you want, and I can't live with what you have to offer. In the end, we don't want the same things."
Gritting his teeth, he tried to rein in the violence threatening to explode out of him. "You don't know what I want."
"You want me to forget everything I've based my life upon and the sufferings you mortals have caused just so I can give myself to you completely and willingly."
Hijikata could feel her resistance to his every action, every word. He kept his eyes locked on Asuna, who looked calm and steadfast. Her manner was the exact opposite of his. Meanwhile he felt his chest heaving, his nostrils flaring. The anger inside him shifted and swirled through his stomach to his chest, burning a path to his heart.
He closed the distance between them and grabbed her arms with a fierceness that he couldn't seem to suppress. Every part of his body cried out for her, and his heart – his battered heart – wanted to take her in his arms and kiss her senseless until he made her look beyond their differences and give him a chance. To give them a chance.
"I'm not telling you to forget everything. I only want you to be honest, if not with me, then with yourself."
"I am being honest with myself and with you. Whatever it is that you want from me, I can't give it to you or anyone else because I don't have it to give." Asuna removed his hands from her arms with a gentleness that contained more reproach than the most forceful wrench. "And if my presence here at the Shinsengumi only makes matters worse, then I can leave."
Hijikata clenched his fists hard enough to hurt so he wouldn't reach out for her again. He needed the pain to jolt his thoughts back into a more civilized place. He was feeling helpless and he hated the emotions it exposed. But his fury would do him no good today, and he knew it. All he had wanted to do since she'd left was to see her and make her come back to him safely. No matter how much he tried to control himself, he just couldn't. Not where she was concerned. Yet he had to remain calm because he was losing her right now, this way.
No. Not like this, he thought to himself.
He couldn't let her leave him again. If he was going to lose her, he would go down fighting with the best he had.
"So now you're running away?" Hijikata asked bluntly, unwilling to let her hide from this. Though his tone was quieter, calmer than it had been a few moments ago.
"Running away?" Her eyes narrowed a bit, not following his logic here.
"Yes, you're running from your fear. You want to protect yourself from the unknown."
Asuna's body grew rigid with foreboding intensity. The veracity of his comment seemed to scrape against her nerves like a whetstone on a blade, sharpening her response. "I'm not running from anything and I have nothing to fear."
Ignoring her response, Hijikata gripped her chin gently but insistently, so that she wouldn't be able to break away from his gaze. Although she didn't fight him off, he saw a spark lighting those eyes that were the shade of fathomless blue now. That temper of hers was flickering again, bringing her back to life. What he would be willing to give to see her in full fury.
"You're afraid of getting too close to me, of needing me or anyone else, so you've decided to push me away like you always do even though I think you know that you can trust me," he pressed on and it was no longer with anger, but with a deep sincerity and pain as he hurled out his words. "And that's fine for now, because one day I will make you look at me."
Her face was stoic, though he could hear the whispers of her soul. She was more adept at covering and hiding her feelings and emotions than anyone else he'd ever met. Back then, there had been no possible way he could've told her intent, he hadn't known whether he could've trusted her or not. Now, he had become attuned to her every small gesture and every subtle nuance. He knew she was keeping the protective wall around herself so he couldn't see or know or touch any part of her that might reveal too much of the real Shinohara Asuna to him.
After a moment she pulled away and said, "Or one day you will discover how wrong you are and the error of your ways. You will come to realize that you've wasted a lot of time and energy on the wrong demon. Instead you should go find a human girl to give you what you need, as I have nothing to offer you. Until then, it's best that you keep your distance."
Time froze. A stab of pain pierced through Hijikata's rage and straight into his heart, but he forced himself to stand still and did nothing. He didn't want to lash out at her even though he was struggling with his own temper and the words that wanted to break free.
This woman in front of him…This woman knew she had the power to hurt him beyond his ability to endure. This woman knew she had already hurt him too much, and yet here she was now, delivering her final blow – the one that would really put him in his place. And the worst thing was, he still wanted her. More than ever.
"Ah, good morning Hijikata-san and Shinohara-san." Chizuru's voice broke the tension between them. Passing them with a curious glance, she then asked, "Am I interrupting something?"
Asuna's gaze locked with his for another second. Though that brief second was long enough for him to see the decision in her eyes before she turned to Chizuru.
"No, we're done here. Let's start our training."
She walked past him without breaking her stride. Chizuru cast him a second glance and bowed before following after her. Hijikata turned around and watched them leave, waiting until they were completely out of sight.
In spite of his frustration, he was unable to watch Asuna suffer this way. And if one day he was left with no other choice but to let her go, he still wanted her to open up her heart once again and find security with someone else. To feel and hope and live. Even if it meant her life couldn't be with him and he'd never stop hurting from her rejection. It didn't occur to him to consider why it was so important that she wouldn't condemn herself to eternal loneliness.
It just was.
X X X
"Who the hell is Nakajima Kagefusa and why is he inviting me to his place?" Hijikata snapped the questions out with irritation.
He was still feeling empty and raw from the confrontation with Asuna. But he dealt with it in the way he often dealt with his problems – by working.
Kondou and Sannan exchanged glances before Sannan explained, "I only know he's a noted wealthy merchant of Osaka and apparently rumor has it that he's also a close associate of the Shogun."
"All this doesn't mean a thing to me," Hijikata said, his tone flat. "I don't care what he does or who he knows. I have nothing to do with him."
He was waiting for Sannan to counter him, but the other man simply watched him with those eyes that were always filled with weary wisdom. "I find it quite strange too, especially when he didn't extend the invitation to Kondou-san."
Hijikata had never met the man in his life, which made him more than a little suspicious of this person's intentions and motives. What exactly did he want with him?
Kneeling at the front of Hijikata's quarters, Inoue looked around the room at the three of them and asked, "The messenger is still waiting outside by the entrance. What should I tell him?"
He waved his hand once to dismiss the conversation. "Tell him I'm not interested in whatever it is that this Nakajima Kagefusa guy wants and get him on his way."
They had begun the process of moving their base of operations to Nishi Hongwanji temple. He still had to formalize their plans and refine every final detail with the Captains, as well as ensure the temple was ready for when they made the transition in the next few days. He had far more important things to do than to deal with some rich merchant and entertain his nonsense.
"Let's not act rashly and turn him down just yet," Kondou commented. "There's only one way to find out what he wants."
"Don't tell me you want me to go meet him?" Hijikata said, wincing at the eagerness in his own voice.
Giving a nod of agreement, Sannan added, "I can't say I'm not curious about the man either. I guess we must rely on you to find out more about the situation, Hijikata-kun."
His scowl of indignation was darker than before. "You two can't just shove off the responsibility onto me alone."
Kondou grinned despite the fatigue lining his face. "I know we're putting you into a tenuous position, but I have faith that you will handle this as well as you have everything else."
"We'll be counting on you," said Sannan, almost too readily with an enigmatic smile.
Hijikata barely restrained the urge to argue their open amusement of the situation and they both knew it. With words of thanks, they took their leave as he readied himself for the presumably quick and short journey.
"This had better be good," he muttered to himself with thorough annoyance. Though he already suspected it would be a meeting he might not be looking forward to.
Soon Hijikata walked out of the Shinsengumi's entrance and noticed a young boy, no older than sixteen or seventeen, approaching him. His eyes were amber, almost bronze in color, and his dark blue hair was tied in a high ponytail that reached to his waist. Although he was young, he had the beginnings of definition in his physique brought about by adolescence.
His expression hardened when he met Hijikata's eyes. "You're Hijikata Toshizou, right? My name is Ibuki Ryunosuke and I'm here to escort you."
"Escort me to where?"
He let out an impatient sound. "There's no time for questions or anything else right now. You'll find out soon enough when we get there, anyway."
It was the wrong thing to say on the wrong day – and certainly to the wrong man. The backhanded remark wasn't intended to be insulting, but it sent his already foul mood further south.
"Kid, watch your attitude." Hijikata nailed the boy with a hard glare, his voice may have been slightly lower but losing none of its authority. "It's my time you're wasting. I can ask questions if I want to."
"Nakajima-san doesn't like to wait for anyone."
He could tell the boy was intimidated by him as the stony expression yielded to one of repentance. Though it didn't lessen the seed of irritation in his tone. He decided the kid had some backbone, after all.
He gave a derisive scoff. "Then he'll just have to get used to it."
Even though Hijikata was feeling more off-balance than he wanted to acknowledge, he didn't see any need to give the messenger a hard time so he started to walk off. When he saw the boy wasn't following him, he turned around again.
"Don't just stand there, kid. Lead the way. I don't have the whole day to waste."
He watched as the boy released his thoughts and picked up his steps to catch up with him. In the meantime, Hijikata kept thinking of possible reasons why Nakajima Kagefusa would want to see him, but nothing came to mind. What would a wealthy merchant want, particularly from a samurai?
X X X
Nakajima Kagefusa was waiting for him. Making his way through what appeared to be a section of a private property, Hijikata entered a lavish garden in full bloom with the finest display of traditional rock arrangements. The kid, Ibuki, trailed behind him to the center of the garden and a man-made pond with water plants and goldfish, surrounded with stones.
Already he could tell Nakajima was drawn to things that were glorious and beautiful in life. It went without saying that leading such an extravagant lifestyle was a very expensive affair, and usually only men from the highest ranks of society could afford it. The man must be one hell of a merchant to have obtained all this wealth.
Hijikata knew to the instant when Nakajima sensed his arrival. Rising from the round stone table, the man turned in his direction. His hair was the color of dark blond and his eyes were a pale blue; remarkably, he looked to be near Hijikata's age.
"I'm quite surprised to see that you actually came alone. Aren't you worried for your safety? This could have been an ambush."
The impassiveness on Nakajima's face wasn't exactly a welcome when Hijikata entered his grounds. It seemed to only reveal the depth of his disregard. Along with the way he had propelled Hijikata into the conversation, that meant they could skip formalities and keep it casual.
"Yeah, I suppose it could've been," he said, a slight frown creasing his brows. "But I'm also not going to live my life in fear of lurking foes or ambushes and traps. Besides, I assume you were expecting me alone."
"Yes, I have been expecting you alone. You are late, by the way." With a small wave of his hand, he dismissed Ibuki. There was a strange sense of restlessness in the kid when he turned to look at Hijikata, who was silently observing him. After a quick bow he left them, and Nakajima continued, "Not to worry though, we have enough time for what needs to be said. I'm also glad that you're late."
"I was late and you are glad about it? That's something I've never heard before." To that, Hijikata tossed him a tight, hard curve of an amused grin. "And I'm late for what exactly?"
"I'm glad that you were late because of why you were late. You and the Shinsengumi share in the feelings and measures of the Shogun, and you all have made the choice to stop living for yourselves in the flesh, but rather live to serve the country and humanity. That is an honorable and worthy cause. I'd even say it's worthy of a little lateness. Our meeting does mean though, that you will have a very busy night as the Vice-Commander."
They were about the same age, but there was something about this man that drew Hijikata's attention. Something in his demeanor and posture conveyed as if he could instill and inspire at a level far above his words. Perhaps it was his confident and unfathomable nature that gave off the impression of someone who knew so much more than he ever said. Everything warned Hijikata the man was not to be taken lightly. Nakajima Kagefusa was no ordinary merchant.
"I do have some unfinished business to attend to," Hijikata informed him as he decided to curtail their cat and mouse game and force him to get to the point of this meeting right away. "And as much as I'd like to continue our chat, I'm sure you didn't invite me over to talk about the Shinsengumi's cause or the state of our country."
"A man who wastes no time and misses no opportunity. You remind me of myself back then, and I was exactly the same." He kept his eyes on Hijikata as a glint of approval flashed in them, then just as quickly disappeared at once. "My reason for requesting your presence is to discuss a marriage proposal with you."
Somehow the phrase "requesting your presence" sounded more like an irrefutable command than a request, but Hijikata decided not to fight it. In particular when he realized the need to direct his focus, first and foremost, to the far more imminent matter at hand.
"Marriage proposal?"
"My daughter, Kosuzu met you once, and she fell in love with you the moment she laid eyes on you." A core of cold steel in his tone, warning off any possible dissent.
One minor detail didn't add up for Hijikata. "Isn't your daughter too young for marriage?"
"She's already fifteen, and fifteen is old enough to marry," Nakajima assured him. "My daughter wants for nothing and I believe you will find her to be quite capable with the most charming and unusual personality. She will indeed make a fine wife for a proper man like yourself."
"I'm flattered but I have no interest in taking a wife just yet," he asserted decisively, knowing what had to be done.
"I want to make sure you understand what's at stake here and what kind of an offer you may be turning down. With my power and influence, I could elevate you and the Shinsengumi to the highest honors in the government."
"You could be here with the Shogun himself, for all I care," Hijikata retorted with an insolent edge to his voice. "I'm not interested. My answer is no today, and it wouldn't change tomorrow or ten years from now."
"What do you want most in the world, Hijikata?" The man crooned, attempting to cultivate greed as if this was a human desire that he understood very well and knew how to wield it as a tool to tame and manipulate the mind. "Wealth? Power? I can give it all to you and more. You could have anything you wished. A wise man should consider his options and consider them quickly."
No one could give him what he wanted except for the one woman that didn't even want him around. Hijikata held his tongue, but the scowl he had carried since the start of this conversation deepened. He was still wrapping his mind over all that had happened today and how his day had gone from worse to chaotic. Hell, he could use a good drink right now.
Again, Nakajima took a chance. "Many things are possible if you can afford to pay the price."
A small vestige of momentary alarm rose in Hijikata at those words. Just who the hell was this man? And what sort of background did he come from?
His lips lifted in a silent snarl as he fought back his fury. "How generous of you, but my answer is still no."
The cold look Nakajima shot him was rife with frustration, and maybe even anger. With this man, it wasn't easy to be certain which was which. Not that Hijikata would have let the look bother him either. Remaining wordless, he stared back at Hijikata with his eyes that were almost as eerie as Asuna's aquamarine ones.
"Looks like nothing can be gained from our conversation today." Nakajima abruptly turned on his heels to leave. "Let me know if you change your mind. My offer still stands."
"So that's it? We're done here?" The question made the man walking past Hijikata to turn and look at him.
"You could coax someone into a marriage, but you can't force it." His smile was faint, but real. "Just let her down gently."
Shortly after Nakajima left the garden, a young woman dressed in a pale-yellow kimono with floral patterns appeared, her hair was rolled into an elaborated bun and her lips marked with a red kiss of lip paint, which highlighted her features. Her walk was serene as she made her way towards him, her head respectfully bowed.
Why was he still surprised that the man had a daughter who was as old as Chizuru? She came closer and her gaze rose to meet his. Unease mounted in Hijikata's chest when a sense of familiarity came over him. It took him a moment to recognize the girl standing in front of him at arm's length.
"So we meet again, Hijikata-san," Kosuzu told him politely with a smile in place.
"Right," he said, recovering quickly. "I didn't recognize you at first since you aren't dressed in men's clothes."
"I thought it would've been safer to explore around the city dressed as a man. But I guess I was wrong." Her vibrant smile grew sheepish as she fingered the pendant around her neck.
He took notice of the three-inch pendant on a gold necklace. The pendant had an intricate, multicolored phoenix with wings extended high up over its head. It had pearl for an eye, ruby feathers speckled with sapphires and emeralds. The gems shimmered like a translucent liquid in the sunlight. Her jewelry looked extremely valuable.
"This pendant belonged to my mother," Kosuzu said tentatively when she saw his eyes were on her necklace. "She wore it faithfully until the day she passed away. It's something that my father holds dear and so I always wear it close to my heart. I think this was what caught those ronin's attention in the first place when I was being careless."
Hijikata's next words were solemn. "We're doing our best to clean up the bad parts of town, but the streets of Kyoto still aren't safe at night."
"Nonetheless, you and the Shinsengumi saved my life and I'm forever indebted to you all."
"Enough that you would give away yourself out of gratitude?" He found himself asking in a dry and emotionless tone that was nothing like the offhand retort he had intended to deliver.
"This isn't the look of a man who is eager to take my hand in marriage." She stared at him, a frown beginning to darken her features. "I really like you, Hijikata-san. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since that night you saved me."
With this particular request of hers, Hijikata knew that he must turn her down with a flat refusal. But she seemed to be a nice enough girl, and it infuriated him that he couldn't figure out a way to reject her without embarrassing her or hurting her feelings.
He wasn't one to hesitate when he knew something had to be done, and he also didn't like to waste time with unnecessary banter or prevarication. Although he wanted to be delicate in complicated situations like this that involved a woman's heart, delicate wasn't his thing and neither was timing. Once he got an idea or a belief in his head, he would carry it through and translate it into action until his goal was achieved.
And that was why it didn't take him long to say what he had to say. He paused before he spoke, making sure he had her complete attention. "We've had this conversation, and I already told you that you don't owe me anything."
Kosuzu craned her head to the side, her voice gaining momentum by the second. "You don't feel the same way about me."
"No, I don't," he admitted without hesitation or apology. "I also think you need to understand that gratitude and love aren't the same thing."
The engaging smile returned. "They're not, but they aren't that far apart either. Being grateful helps me grow to love someone, and loving someone helps me appreciate them better."
Hijikata snorted, almost half-amused by her brilliance. "If only it were that simple."
Though in the back of his mind, he was already wondering what he would have done if Asuna had given herself to him out of gratitude. Would his answer still be the same?
"Am I not good enough for you?"
"If anything, you're too good for me." His attempt to make his point clear with her had led him to the familiar place of guilt. "I'm a selfish bastard. You deserve better."
"You do realize that my father has the power to tear the Shinsengumi apart and destroy you, right?" Kosuzu's tone suddenly shifted to one of warning, meeting his eyes and daring him to contradict her.
This woman should know better than to challenge a samurai who would kill without mercy or remorse. She damned sure should know better than to challenge Hijikata in such a situation. He hadn't survived the turmoil of battles without learning how to navigate any challenge to his decisions or his actions. If Kosuzu and her father thought they could terrorize him into yielding to their demands, contrary to his own will, then they were in for a surprise as he would be out for blood. Their blood.
"Are you threatening me?" A wave of anger flared in his glare as it warred with hers. "Obviously you don't know who you're talking to. I'm not a man you can bully. Your father can try to take me down, but I promise to make him regret starting a fight with me."
There followed a long, tense silence before unexpected laughter burst out of her. "Now there's the look of a man that I would be very afraid of."
Hijikata felt his lips twitched in annoyance. He was trying to be patient with her, but it was becoming difficult. "You have a strange sense of humor."
"Did you think I wasn't serious?"
Swallowing the rest of his temper, he continued in a calmer tone to give weight to the significance of his next words. "I know you were serious. I just wasn't sure if you'd go through with it and be prepared for the consequences."
"I can see why they called you the Demon Vice-Commander. To be honest, I would have been disappointed if you had said otherwise."
Kosuzu stifled a giggle with the back of her hand until she was unable to hold back any longer. Her laugh was a bright, lifting sound from a female who seemed to possess a generosity of spirit that didn't allow her to hold grudges.
Trying to dispel the grey cloud settling over him, he decided to discuss something else. Something that he had been curious about since he'd had that talk with her father, but didn't think much of afterward. Now his curiosity was piqued again as he studied her face carefully.
"Speaking of your father, you don't really look like him."
She reacted to his change of subject with slight astonishment. Her expression transformed from mild alarm to thoughtful reverie. "That's because I was adopted into the family. I was abandoned by my parents as a baby."
A qualm of uncertainty struck him but since they were touching upon the forbidden topic already, he figured he might as well say what was on his mind. "Regardless of whether you're blood-related, I can tell your father wants what's best for you."
"Yes, I've been very fortunate in a way," Kosuzu stated, and he could feel the genuine sincerity in her comment. "So, who's the woman?"
The sudden sharp query hit Hijikata like a slap. He glowered at her with a hint of petulance in his voice. "Did I say there was a woman?"
"Don't you feel the least you could do in return for turning me down is to talk to me?"
"Fine, it's a woman." He grunted while trying not to look too begrudging, as if that were explanation enough.
"I knew it! Who is she?"
Her reaction was one of either perplexity or excitement. His inclination, however, leaned towards that of excitement. It was an underlying excitement that made no sense to him. Well, at least her father was right about one thing, Kosuzu definitely had an unusual personality.
"Doesn't matter. It's not going anywhere." Kosuzu's mouth flattened and she gave him a quelling look that could raise up the dead to confession. Ignoring her, he turned his head away in the hope that his feigned disinterest would somehow guard his privacy. "It's not going anywhere because she doesn't want it to. There's no future in it."
There was no future because she was fixated on the past. That summed it up quite effectively.
"I see…" The rest of the time, Kosuzu didn't ask any more questions when she came closer to stand next to him.
Her movements were that of a young woman confident in her femininity. It was the complete opposite of the demoness who had watched him with an innocent hunger that had almost broken his resolve last night.
One more kiss, one more touch and Hijikata would have had her in his arms, plastered up against him. And neither one of them would've stood a chance. Or at least tried to get her there. Nothing had ever felt like that with any other woman. It was Asuna who made the difference. He'd asked her to be with him and had been rejected with such finality that he was still bleeding inside. But he couldn't stop himself from fighting for what he couldn't have.
Thinking back, he probably shouldn't have pushed her so hard this morning. And now she was pushing back at a time when she was at her most vulnerable, keeping him at a distance again. He had suffered it enough times to know it was her typical approach by now. He had also broken through more of her defenses than she would have been willing to admit.
And this was how she fought back.
Hijikata knew exactly why Asuna was doing this. In spite of herself, she was starting to care too much and she likely realized it too. Everyone in her life that she'd cared about as much as he cared for her, had left her in the end. So she had made the first move on him, trying to dissolve her own ambivalence for him. Being a willful female and taking control, she'd wanted to eclipse the hope that she would figure out for herself how much she wanted him. Or if she even wanted him. He understood all this perfectly and hell if he was going to let her get away with it.
She wasn't the kind of woman who preferred to be led, even if he was leading her in a direction that she might have gone anyway. But it would make him a bigger idiot than he already was to think that she would eventually come around to him of her own volition. Because Asuna would never come to him on her own.
Never. Not in this lifetime.
Not when he knew how much she hated humans, despite living and hiding amongst them for so many years. Therefore, Hijikata would have to go to her even though he had a horrible feeling that he was about to bear the full brunt of that hatred.
"She's pretty stubborn, isn't she?" Kosuzu's question brought him back to his senses.
"We both are. But she's at her most stubborn when she's most wrong."
As stubborn as anyone Hijikata had ever known. It was also one of the things he loved about her. Usually, he did…when that very same stubbornness wasn't driving him insane.
"You're not though, right? I believe you may be at your most stubborn when you're most right."
"This is only the second time we've met. You don't even know me," he argued dismissively.
"I know enough. I don't care about the rest," she insisted, as if persistence could make it so. "Perhaps you can show her that she's not the most stubborn of the two of you. If you really can't figure out how to out-stubborn her, then I'm not sure you're the man I thought you were. And I don't know if you truly deserve her."
Hijikata really didn't want to talk about it. Not when he had taken just about his share of pain for the day. But then it hit him what Kosuzu had said. He really was such a fool, letting his emotions get the better of him. Wasn't it only logical to keep fighting ice with fire? Cold with heat? If he could impact Asuna once, then he could do it again and again until he thawed her frozen soul.
His mask of apprehension held for a few moments longer, until a grin finally broke through. "This is why men should never underestimate women, especially the perceptive ones."
Kosuzu's lips curved just short of a smile. "Should I take that as a compliment?"
"Take it however you want."
Hijikata wasn't someone who would beat himself up with what-ifs and maybes. He also wasn't giving up on Asuna no matter what she'd said. This morning's confrontation had only encouraged him to keep trying against all odds and hope. His unbending determination and belligerence were all he had though. Once he'd decided on a woman, devotion became almost obsession with men like him, and he was at peace with that.
But words wouldn't be enough to convince Asuna. She would have to be stroked into trusting him, into letting him in. Because not only was she wary of affection, she had become mutinously independent in her desire to avoid opening herself up to pain again. That was why he needed to make her listen; make her understand that he could be trusted despite being a human. And when he did, he would ensure she'd never think of running away from him again.
X X X
Twilight had already settled in and it was very warm outside, lending an even more sapping feel to the air. Normally Asuna would have reveled in the opportunity to spend an evening surrounded by a garden's serenity, and take in the half-dimmed light from those stone lanterns that were filled with a sense of quiet. But it was clamorous. And she was at Sumi.
Asuna moved out to the sliding screen door that led out to the wide terrace over the garden. She stood out there for a moment, basking in the summer night's heat. The restaurants and pleasure quarters on the parallel street were starting to open, and townspeople strolled up and down with anticipation of what the night in the red-light district could bring. Then she saw Sanosuke come over and stand at the entrance, waiting for Chizuru to come out. A broad grin spread across his face when he saw her.
Frowning in confusion, she observed them. There was also a wide smile on Chizuru's lips; admiration and laughter in her eyes. They looked relaxed and at ease with each other as if they had been together forever. They looked…content. Or they were at least as content as it was possible for mortals to be.
Chizuru really had the purest of heart. She had within her the ability to heal all of her past wounds and pain, and move forward freely. Unlike Asuna, whose heart was dark. It had remained empty and bare when she'd lost everyone and everything that mattered. Her heart had created so much armor around it that she was closed off from the rest of the world.
She felt nothing.
Senhime had come over to stand beside her and looked out over the balcony. "Chizuru-chan's smile is so cheerful and honest, you can tell that being with Harada makes her happy."
Asuna continued watching them until they disappeared into the street crowd. "That's because she has no memories of her childhood. If she remembered how the mortals had taken everything away from her, she wouldn't have made the decision to be with a human."
Chizuru had mentioned that she had no recollection of the traumatic event and it was unclear on whether her elective amnesia was a form of denial or refuge. Though the cause of the happening never held any significance anyway.
Asuna wondered if that was somehow a blessing in disguise. A blessing to live life with no memories of the cruel massacre and mindless slaughter. No memories of the death of her own family and unfathomable carnage to repress. Chizuru had been granted a second chance at life, a new beginning to start over again. And sometimes new beginnings were what they all needed every now and then, so they could start anew from the ashes of the past in a devastated world.
The comment clearly surprised Senhime, because the hint of a faint smile that she'd worn vanished. "Do you really believe that? You don't think maybe Chizuru would have still chosen to be with Harada because she trusts him?"
"Why would she trust mortals any more than she would trust demons?" Asuna glanced at her, not at all startled by her own unexpected resentment.
"Trust may be a delicate thing, but the essence of trust between two individuals is the belief that they can rely on each other. Perhaps Chizuru feels she can rely on Harada more than anyone else." There was a barest pause before she asked, "Don't you also trust Hijikata?"
Just the brief mention of his name weakened Asuna. It brought back the feel of his presence in her nerves, arousing violent emotions that nearly swamped her. She drew in a deep, quiet breath to steady herself and hide any trace of the unwanted emotions that sprung through her body. She didn't even need time to consider her reply, because the answer had always been clear.
"The same trust doesn't exist between us."
For a long moment Senhime looked at her; a steady, assessing gaze that made Asuna want to draw back. Almost as if she was searching for something beyond the words spoken. But Asuna held her place, met the young demoness's gaze and refused to avert her eyes or cower before it.
"Is there something you aren't telling me, Asuna-chan? Did something happen between you two that I don't know about?"
This time, she looked away and out over the terrace again. "Nothing happened. We just don't get along. We never have."
In truth, it had never been her intention to hurt him, rather just to protect herself. The only thing she'd wanted was to make him see that she had her own notions and they simply weren't in agreement with his. She had to make him understand that his feelings and desires for her, a demon, weren't real. It was only an illusion brought on by the tension and stress of recent events. And this illusion would fade and decay with the passage of time until nothing remained.
Asuna wished there had been another way. Even though wishes were a futile thing, it didn't stop her from wishing for another way to deflect Hijikata and escaped him. Because irrationally, she wanted him to understand without hurting him. But no matter how many times she went over their conversation in her head, she couldn't find one.
It was impossible.
And his gaze…his gaze had been so invasive. A penetrating, piercing violation that had left her feeling exposed in front of him. It was as if he could read the very depths of her every thought, and stripped her of her secrets and defenses so that he knew all of her, understood all of her.
Worse yet, Hijikata wasn't taken in by her calm and collected demeanor and had seen through her disguise. He had seen through her fear of him, which had been real enough, to the elemental hunger than no man had awakened in her before. But even if he was right about her reaction, it could have only been a momentary weakness. It didn't mean she would overcome her hesitation and give all of herself to him. That was why he needed to stop wasting time wishing for what could not be and just leave her in peace.
Because she didn't want to feel anything at all, not for anyone. Least of all for Hijikata Toshizou.
"I know you can never forget what happened in the past, but don't you think it's time for you to start trusting again and find happiness in your life?" Senhime asked in a curious tone, probing without any sort of judgement.
As soon as she had control of her runaway thoughts, she answered, "I don't need happiness. It's not something I'm looking for."
Asuna could have happiness too. But she didn't want happiness, she realized, because if she had happiness, then she would have to forgive the humans' vicious crimes. And if she forgave them, she couldn't hold onto this hatred anymore. And if she didn't hate them, she would have to hate herself even more for having given in and betraying demons on a whole other level.
No, that was not what she wanted. It was the last thing in the world that she desired. Asuna only wanted to feel in place again. She wanted the sea of tranquility to flow back so she could drown her complex emotions in it.
Senhime's inquisitiveness somehow grew and was now shaped into redundant questions. "Then what about finding a life partner? Someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
Asuna merely skimmed her gaze over her. "Putting aside the fact that I've never needed anyone in my life before, when it comes the time for me to choose a mate, I would be obligated to select a demon of high standing to preserve my family bloodline."
"But aren't you tired of being alone in this world?"
"I don't understand why we're having this conversation," she retorted, reeling back from everything Senhime was saying to her.
"Because you're my friend, and I want you to be happy."
Something unfurled inside her. Something that very closely resembled disappointment and anger rose, as a slow understanding settled into an overwhelming sense of awareness, refusing to be dislodged. And it was rising by the second, tearing through her, exacerbating the fear that the knowledge of the one particular word had brought. The same gamut of emotions she'd felt for Hijikata resurfaced at once and it was threatening to rip away the logic and careful consideration she normally approached all her problems with.
Senhime was growing too attached to her. Both her and Hijikata were growing too attached to her. They needed to understand that their relationship, such as it was, was only built on forced proximity and circumstances that were beyond their control. It had nothing to do with reality. Hijikata had only been a temporary measure of safety in her life when she'd first met him, just as she'd been in Senhime's. There was no lasting connection between them and Asuna because she would never allow it.
"You're afraid of getting too close to me, of needing me or anyone else so you've decided to push me away like you always do."
His words came back to steal away the remains of her peace. They were like poisoned arrows piercing her being, tormenting her mind and afflicting her spirit. No matter how hard she tried to dispel those words, they kept returning to her with an irritating persistency.
It wasn't his or anyone's place to intrude into her private life. She had kept her heart sealed away for so long now, and they had absolutely no right to open it up in an attempt to peel away the final, most buried layers of her soul to find out what lay beneath.
This felt like the right moment to sever the ties before further mistakes were made, before Senhime got more involved with her. She was determined to get this out once and for all and get it over with.
"We're not friends," she corrected crisply. "We may have helped each other out in times of need, but we're certainly not friends."
Senhime stood in stunned silence, at first not comprehending. When she could finally bring herself to speak, she asked, "Why can't we be friends? I really do care about you, Asuna-chan, far more than you realize. But I can't help you move forward when you're always putting up barriers and finding reasons to force everyone away."
"If that's how you feel, then this conversation is done." She proceeded to walk out the door with Senhime following right behind her when Kimigiku came in.
"I'm only trying to help."
Asuna spun around so quickly that it startled her. She then took a step towards her, forcing her to take a step back. "I don't need your help or advice because I never asked for it."
"I know I'm saying some very hard things to you right now, but I think you needed to hear the truth," said Senhime, in a tone of gentle and almost regretful conviction.
She glared at the younger demoness as the words hit their mark. There were too much dark emotions right now, too much of everything. Senhime and Hijikata both needed to stop pushing her, because the harder they pushed, the deeper she would retreat into herself. And the more she felt compelled in this way, the crueler she became.
"And what truth do you think you know when you don't know anything about me? You know nothing about what kind of a demon I am and what I want. You don't know what I've done in my past." The callous words were forced past the sudden tightness of her throat. "Don't you think you're all being a little too presumptuous in thinking that we've nurtured a connection, just because I showed you some kindness?"
"You're letting the past rule your life."
Rage was clawing at her now, mixed with the indescribable feeling that she was suffocating under the weight of her emotions. Asuna wanted to give in to the demented violence rising inside her and show Senhime the lethal, killing instinct that had been bred into her as a pureblood demoness. The one she held inside, always hidden, restrained.
"Whatever you and Hijikata Toshizou both think you know about me means less than nothing to me. What I do and how I conduct my life is none of anyone's business, so just leave it."
"Who do you think you are, speaking to Senhime-sama in that disrespectful tone?!" Kimigiku demanded in contempt as she witnessed the ungracious act unleashed upon Senhime, stepping in between them to become a barrier.
"Someone who sees more clearly than your princess would like."
The woman's face froze in anger, eyes glaring daggers when she took a step forward. "Do you think I'm going to stand by and allow you to ridicule Senhime-sama?"
"Kimigiku, step aside and let me handle this." Senhime placed a hand on her arm and gently moved her aside. She then turned to look at Asuna again, not frightened by her unconcealed blood-hunger. "Earlier you mentioned that you would choose a demon of high standing as a mate to preserve your family bloodline. If that's true then why did you reject Kazama time and time again?"
"I already said it's because I don't need anyone in my life."
"If your family obligation is that important to you, then what's stopping you, especially when you don't care about your own happiness?" There was an edge to Senhime's voice that sliced at her. It dug into her chest and made the rage brighter, more intense. "I think maybe deep down inside, you already know the reason as well. He's not the man your heart desires."
Maintaining her calm exterior with her best effort, Asuna had to force herself to say, "You still think you know me that well?"
"Actually, I'm starting to think that maybe I don't know you at all. You seem more of a stranger to me now than you did when we first met." It was there. The same hurt in her eyes that Asuna had seen in Hijikata's eyes.
She understood the rush of agitation about as well as she understood what was going on. A demon like herself could be ruthless when necessary, in order to achieve her goals. So why then, did seeing both of them in pain made her waver in her purpose? Why did it seem like their pain was echoing deep inside her? These were reasonable questions but she had no answers. Nothing made sense anymore. The only certainty in her mind now was that she no longer wanted to stay here at the Sumi.
"Asuna-chan," Senhime called after her when she turned to leave. Though Asuna stopped walking, she kept her back to her. She didn't want to see that expression on her face. "No one can tell you what you should and shouldn't do. But my last advice to you, as a friend, is that you should follow your heart and not your fears. And despite everything, I still value our friendship and I will always be grateful to you for saving me."
Without a backward glance, Asuna walked out of the room and on to the lively street. She continued walking until she came to an alley that led off the street. She entered it seeking solitude and respite from her conflicting emotions. Now finally alone, she leaned her forehead against the wall of a building, just when her vision began to turn black along the edges. Dark power rippled through her body, gathering in her fingertips. With just a momentary loss of control, she could easily destroy this wall and collapse the roof. Clenching her jaw, she fought the fury and shut her eyes, blocking all further thoughts from drifting into her mind and focused on her breathing.
Soon, her heart rate slowed to a more reasonable level and she could feel an air of calmness washing over her. But in the background, she still sensed a disturbance. She tried to reject the external noises by thinking of the forest, her home, something that usually helped her reach the desired state. Yet the moment she opened her eyes again, the image of Senhime's expression cut through her.
Tears had stood in her gaze, but she wouldn't shed them. Asuna knew instinctively that no tears would've fallen this time. Senhime was strong enough to hold them back. A part of Asuna was relieved; another part resented it greatly. It was foolish to waste tears on her. They were nothing more than passing acquaintances, not even friends. Tonight would serve as a valuable lesson for Senhime to never again let her guard down around her. Never again should she care for her.
Care…
There was that word again. It was the same elusive word spoken by Hijikata before. As soon as Asuna thought of it, another searing slice of pain shot through her head. She was really starting to detest that word.
This was getting out of control. If she hadn't been made to remember so much about her past, she would have handled this much better. But everything had gone wrong; nothing had turned out the way she had planned. She had no options.
For a moment, all Asuna could do was ache for her parents and Takeda. Ache to have them mend all this for her as they had with so many other things in her early childhood. To smooth it over, to make it better, to teach her to find a way out.
And yet there was no way out. She knew there was no way out.
Gathering her pride around her, Asuna straightened herself. She looked up at the sky and noticed the bright moon through a few wispy clouds. The luminous moonlight felt rather soothing, sublime for her body and mind. Then, drawing another breath and putting one foot in front of the other, she walked away into the night.
X X X
AUTHOR NOTE:
My apologies for the late update, folks! I was having a lot of trouble with this chapter, especially with the first and last scene (as you can imagine). I wrote several drafts but then I wasn't happy with them, so I ended up deleting the scenes and started over again. This chapter was so stressful that I definitely need to cleanse my mind now that I completed it lol. Thank goodness for Masterchef Australia to keep me sane the last few weeks since food makes me happy. Well, that's all for tonight, guys. See you all next time!