Beta Reader: Waffle (Thank you for being the bestest!)
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Kiss Of Snow
By: Swanna
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Chapter 30: An Honest Delusion
Souji was returning to his quarters from the common room after breakfast and walking past the infirmary. His vision was bleary from his migraine and he was ready to throw up. As he became more aware of his body, he felt the burning pressure swelling up inside his lungs. It started off as a couple of muffled coughs during his meal, but now it had developed into a full-blown violent episode of uncontrollable coughing.
With every cough, his form trembled with a prickling sensation that crawled up his spine. He reached for his handkerchief to place it across his mouth and managed to suppress his coughing long enough for him to regain his bearings. Taking a deep breath, he tried to push himself up against the wall as his eyes skimmed the room and saw an unfamiliar child peering around the shelves. Souji forced himself to straighten up and walked into the room.
"You must be Prince Iesato." The words came out hoarse, almost wheezed. Though his sudden voice still startled the boy enough, causing him to spin around. "May I ask what are you doing here in the infirmary? This room is off limits to children."
He turned to face him and responded firmly with the assurance and attitude of a true royal who felt belittled by someone he considered his lesser. He was evidently irritated, but too well raised to be impolite. "If you know I'm the prince then you should know I'm not just any child. But I only expect it to be understood among those who have any manners at all, which some of you obviously don't have."
Souji merely arched a brow, considering the prince's less-than-enthusiastic response even though it was the first time they met. "Please forgive me for pointing this out Prince Iesato, but you seem bitter."
Frowning at the audacity of his insinuation, he raised his head to look at Souji defiantly in the eyes. "Now you're speaking ill of people you don't know? The rudeness of the Shinsengumi really knows no bounds."
The moment he turned his entire body to confront Souji, he was surprised by what he saw. There were inflamed red welts that ran across the back of his hand. Noticing the direction of his intense gaze, the prince tried to cover up his wound, but there was no denying that he had been maimed in some kind of attack. A cat claw? Had Yoshiro swiped at him?
"If you're looking for ointments to treat cuts and wounds, they're over here on this shelf by the door."
Souji selected a bottle of ointment from the shelf and beckoned the prince to come over and sit down beside him. At his invitation, the boy crossed over the room and took a seat on the tatami mat.
"Give me your hand," said Souji in a firm tone.
He hesitated at the command for a moment. Then with evident reluctance, he gave in and extended his hand to show Souji the long slash wounds. "How did you get hurt? And why didn't you have your servant tend to you?"
The prince glanced off to the side. "I don't need anyone to treat me like a child."
"It must be nice to be your servant when he can use the lack of specific duties as a reason to slack off. And I hate to break it to you, but you're being treated as any other child your age would be treated, if not better because you're the prince after all."
"Having someone chattering and hovering about me at all times only annoys me."
"What an interesting thing to say." Souji smiled, amused and intrigued. He took a washcloth and wiped off the blood from the long, angry rips on the arm. To his surprise, the prince gritted his teeth but didn't shed a tear as Souji began rubbing the ointment onto the swelling. "They won't scar if you treat it with proper care."
"You talk like you know so much." His eyes scrutinized Souji skeptically with curiosity. "What are you, a doctor?"
"I don't need to be a doctor to know how to treat bruises and cuts."
He'd sustained enough bruises and injuries from all those years of being bullied in his youth to know how to care for them. His typical method had been resting a cold cloth over his wounds until it had numbed and the bleeding had calmed.
Of course, broken bones were much more problematic to heal. Like that one particular time when another kid had struck him with a stomp to the collarbone. Souji had only known it hurt like hell, but he hadn't realized that it was broken and had toughened it out during the following weeks after the fight. But he knew better now. If a bone was broken, he would know where and what kind of break it was.
"The cat scratched me," the prince blurted out hesitantly, and then continued. "It wasn't her fault though. She's probably still frightened of me from when I chased her up the tree the other day."
"Yoshiro is a male cat." Souji stated matter-of-factly as if this piece of information had any relevance to the prince, who clearly couldn't care less about the gender. "And you should stay away because the cat's owner won't be happy if you bully her cat. Especially if you bully her cat."
Although he had never seen it, he somehow had an idea of what the pretty little demoness was capable of when her anger reached a crescendo. He certainly wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of it despite his desire to be close to her. Not when he could sense a little bad inside her. And he meant, bad. The kind that made others wish they had run and stayed the hell away.
"I know that," the prince murmured. "She already gave me a warning the same day it happened. And I thought she would be my new mother too, but I was assured she would not."
"Oh? So you've heard," he tried to sound breezy.
But who was he kidding? By now, Hijikata would have probably made sure the Shogun and his companions knew all about him and Asuna. Seeing that Hijikata had leapt at the first chance to pose as her fiancé came as no surprise, though it soured his stomach nonetheless.
Souji admitted that sometimes he was too damned good at the wrong things. But never in his lifetime had he ever expected that their Vice-Commander would allow himself to be tangled in this sort of deception so willingly, just to protect a woman.
Only with Asuna, he pondered to himself, ignoring the sharp pang he felt at the thought.
That also meant that he had underestimated the man and his feelings for her in the first place, even more than he'd realized. No one in his right mind would try any tricks with the Shogun and feed him blatant lies unless he was more than knee-deep in the mire of love.
Truth be told Souji had also been roused by her situation that day and wanted to act as her fiancé, but his current physical state had impeded him from cutting in. If Asuna stayed at his side while he was too weak to help her, she would only continue to be a target of men such as the Shogun. Therefore, no matter how much he yearned to feel her in his arms under false pretenses, Souji had to let her go. His world was rapidly crashing around him and there was nothing he could do about it, except to stand idly by while another man stepped in to calm the waters. And it had to be done…by someone.
Shoving his exhausting emotions aside, Souji recapped the bottle of ointment and then added, "You sound almost disappointed too."
The shrug said it all. "She just seems different than my other mothers. I thought it might be fun to have her around at the castle."
"She's definitely more different than what you would expect. Just like her cat, she is also difficult to tame and bring under control." For some reason, that only made her all the more special to him. And for the life of him, that quite frankly frightened him.
"Tame her? Like an animal?" Squinting, his small face dropped in confusion. "I don't understand, but even I know that not all animals can be tamed. As an adult, shouldn't you know that too?"
Souji made no effort to finish whatever it was he had intended to say. Instead, he asked, "How old are you again, Prince Iesato?"
"Eight."
"Are you sure? You're awfully smart for eight."
Another nonchalant shrug of his shoulders, as if to dismiss the compliment. "That's what I've been told."
Souji smothered his grin at the prince's cheekiness, his humor continued unabated. "Tell me about yourself."
"What?" He almost exclaimed in amazement, utterly dumbstruck by the unexpected turn the conversation had taken. "There's nothing to tell."
Sitting with his elbow on the low table, Souji propped his chin in his hand as he watched him with a quiet intensity. "Then tell me something I'd like to know. I'm bored out of my skull."
The prince amused him, adding a bit of interest to Souji's loneliness and staving off his boredom. As much as he could appreciate a child's innocence and simplicity, he attributed most of his good mood to the way the prince focused on him. As if anything he had to say were the most interesting thing the prince had heard. But it was doing Souji a lot of good, so he wasn't going to complain.
"Huh? Like what?" His arched brows drew together, giving off the distinct impression that social conversation was not something the prince indulged in often.
"Hmm. What about, how do you like being a prince?"
"It's strange so I don't always like it," he thought for another moment. "And I miss my parents."
He looked away, seemingly not wanting to talk about it anymore. Souji decided not to push further, not wanting to put a damper on the mood as he understood what the prince was feeling too. He missed his own parents too, but he wouldn't have missed this experience for the world. Even when shit was bad, he was living his dream here at the Shinsengumi with Kondou. He was a generous and honest man, who had become a father figure to him since his early childhood.
Souji had sprung from crazy, been raised by apathy, trained with determination in the transference of rage and was generally speaking, jaded and hopelessly infuriated with his pathetic life. He knew he would have been no one good or decent if he'd never been saved. Of that, he had no doubt.
But Kondou had saved him.
Not only had he guided Souji more than anybody outside his own family, but he had also taught him how to fight and to believe in himself, giving him much needed confidence. He'd never forget how important Kondou Isami was to him and how much in his life depended on the man. He was more than prepared to do everything he could for their Commander.
Without Kondou, Souji would've never known love, trust, and his own value. Without Kondou, he was nothing. His very existence was without meaning.
Diverting his attention back to the prince, he lightly stated, "Ah, but you get tons of perks and everyone's willing to obey you and do whatever you want. Plus, don't you get to just sit around and play?"
"Sometimes I have no friends to play with me and I get bored."
Within seconds, a familiar jarring feeling inside Souji returned. Those were reminiscent of the feelings he'd had from the past, he realized.
He certainly didn't have any friends when he'd been the prince's age. But he had understood enough about the concept, even without having any proper ones of his own. He'd known that an actual good friend would have to be able to do something more than bullying him around, tripping him, and repeatedly telling him how worthless and unwanted he was, and that nobody would ever love him.
Back then, his emotional scars had bled through his puny body. A body he'd built over the years to protect himself from feeling useless again. The irony was, he had never truly recovered from his past nor the dark thoughts and emotions that were coupled with it.
Souji hid his disquieting thoughts behind a rueful smirk. Though his lips suddenly felt stiff, almost wooden. "I'm sure you'll grow up to be a great royal, and when that happens you will make more friends and fewer enemies. Besides, who needs friends when you have minions to do your bidding?"
"Easy for you to say." The prince's face wore a glare that was unnaturally exaggerated for a child, a glare of the very unimpressed. "You don't have to always be on your best behavior and hide any deficiency that other grown-ups might pick apart."
"Not all of us have flaws on the outside." Cold hurt gripped Souji as his smirk grew into a cold smile with no warmth. One that befouled even the nature of a smile. It was an expression he had learned to wear in his youth. "Sometimes they're buried deep on the inside where it's harder to see. But that doesn't mean they don't exist."
"At least you have the freedom to do whatever you want, to go wherever you want and you probably have more friends than you can count." The stark words rushed out before he was even aware of what he had said.
Souji could resonate with that statement. The risk of traveling to someplace new was certainly worth getting away from staring eyes and needless whispers. Especially when people could be very cruel. He understood because he had once felt the same way. Though he had no interest in letting the prince know what he'd been through in life, living almost like an orphan.
"Why don't I be your friend, then?"
Glancing his way swiftly, he made a sound that was halfway between a snort and a laugh. "Who said anything about agreeing to this friendship? And of course you wish to make friends with a prince."
"Huh? You are one hard kid to please. I offered to be your friend and you question my intentions?"
"My father said there's a motive in everything grown-ups do."
Souji straightened his back and started to concentrate on dressing the wound. "Your father is not wrong, but I promise I don't have any ulterior motive towards you."
The prince watched his every movement like a hawk observing its prey. "You just called me a kid."
"So?"
"So why do you want to be friends with a kid?"
Soon he had a tight bandage wrapped around the prince's hand. Blood still seeped, but not much. "Who knows. Why does anyone become friends with anyone?"
"You can't answer my question with a question. Conversations don't work like that."
Now the boy spoke like Asuna, so unreserved and frank, and at the same time unafraid to offend as speakers of truth. Yet they were both still delightful to be with and observe.
"I like you, Prince Iesato. You'll make good company, and one can never have too many," said Souji. "Well, it looks like we're all done here with your hand. So, who was it?"
"Huh?"
"Who offended you? Tell me and I'll teach him a lesson for you if you like." His tone was cheerful when he cracked his knuckles for emphasis, still grinning. "Want me to?"
When the prince blinked wide-eyed at him for a second, Souji thought he might have taken his teasing too far. Then a big, innocent child-like smile spread across the prince's features as if there was a secret he couldn't hold back.
"The man has long black hair with a mean face and wears a purple kimono."
"Hijikata-san?!" He broke into a mirthful chuckle that unsettled his fragile breath and left him coughing again. Fortunately, the coughing passed rather quickly. "What did he do this time?"
The prince then told him about the incident at the garden and Souji could almost see the scene as clearly as if he had been there that evening. It was so like the man to scold a child, even if the child happened to be royalty.
"Don't worry about Hijikata-san. He already receives what he deserves," he stated soothingly, only half suppressing his laughter.
He still recalled the way Asuna had regarded Hijikata that day. She'd hid it well, but that much ice in a woman's eyes when she looked at a man only spelled trouble.
On the other hand, although Souji laid it on thick with the comment, he couldn't help being impressed with their Vice-Commander. Hijikata's stubbornness even in the face of supreme authority really rendered him all the more respectable and dignified. He was one of those rare individuals whom Souji would say hung tough, who decided that no number of odds against him could force him to surrender and give up.
It was no wonder why Kondou always said Hijikata possessed the disciplines of durability and staying power. Once his mind was made up, nothing would deter the man. He would endure despite the criticism of those who were closest to him. And oftentimes the words of those he trusted most cut the deepest, and yet he would still refuse to back off.
Even under situations like this one where he was misunderstood, maligned, murmured against and misrepresented, Hijikata Toshizou had never so much as flinched. He was never someone to take the easy way out or do anything simple.
The prince's arms crossed defensively in front of his chest, his frown pulling down the corners of his mouth. "But I still want get back at him and make him angry too."
Souji almost smiled to himself mentally as he heard this. It was the most pleasing thing to his ears. "Then it's your lucky day, Prince Iesato. Because I have just the perfect idea to get back at him."
Those lively brown eyes widened once more. "How?"
If Hijikata thought he had the upper hand and that he had somehow outsmarted everyone else in this situation with Asuna, then their Demon Vice-Commander had another thing coming. Because he couldn't be any more wrong and victory could still be snatched away at any moment.
And it was time for the games to begin.
X X X
Asuna gazed up at the dark, roiling clouds in the sky that mirrored the tumultuous emotions warring within her. It had been two days after she had bowed to Hijikata's demands, and she still wasn't certain about their plan. But it was far too late to back out now. There was also no point in hesitating when a decision had been made.
Despite her misgivings, she had to admit that he'd been rather considerate of her comfort in his rough way, perhaps even kind. True to his words, she was his fiancée in name only and Hijikata had been limiting his interactions with her to superficial conversations in front of others. He'd only spent enough time with her to fulfill his obligations that were unequivocally necessary in order to avoid suspicion from the Shogun. He had wanted this idea to feel safe to her and he'd made sure to keep it that way.
His consideration had continued to confuse Asuna beyond understanding, and his kindness had turned her anger into something entirely different. It bothered her to realize that the unknown yet familiar emotions had returned once again in full force to swirl inside her, threatening to weigh her down. Though this time she was determined not to powerlessly hand over control to it or to Hijikata.
Pushing the thoughts of him aside, she forced herself to focus on the task at hand. Senhime had sent out a messenger to invite her to meet at Sumi tomorrow. After what felt to Asuna like a lifetime, Amagiri had finally returned to Kyoto and had requested to see her. It was about time, as she had grown tired of waiting. Her mind reflected on how close she was to the conclusion of this conflict. Which meant she could leave here once she'd received closure.
And she had to leave.
The more time she spent with Hijikata, the more her resolve weakened. The longer she stayed, the more she was willing to give him, and she could not allow that to carry on. He would be destroying her even if he didn't mean to do it. This was exactly why she needed to get away from him and never see him again.
On her way back to her own quarters, Asuna crossed the courtyard and saw Sanosuke sitting at the steps of the temple looking out at the entrance ahead of him. Their eyes met briefly across the distance.
"I'm waiting for Chizuru to head out to the market. She went to clean herself up since she's covered in sweat from chores. You know how women are always more concerned with their appearance than men." He volunteered the information almost in a rush, as if he were unprepared to see her.
"I didn't ask," she responded nonchalantly.
"Just trying to start up a conversation with you." He gave her the usual smile with forbearance that did nothing to expose him as the liberal that he was. When she was about ready to walk away, he called out to her. "Shinohara-kun, do you want to sit with me for a bit?"
Asuna didn't want to. But after considering his request for a second, she still joined him at the steps of the stairs. They'd been living under the same roof for many months now, but they had never conversed with one another alone. It was apparent that he had something he wanted to say, something that he simply had to say. So she remained quiet and waited.
"May I ask you a question?" At her solemn nod Sanosuke continued, though he seemed to be considering where to start. "I'm sure you know that Chizuru has told me the truth about her background, and she mentioned that you're also…"
"A demon?" Asuna finished the sentence for him as he struggled to say the word out loud. "That's not a question."
"Well, I haven't gotten to the question part yet. I was giving a subtle lead-in first," he defended. There was an amused glint in his eyes for a second before it clouded over with something else that she couldn't define. "Chizuru was told that demons hate humans. Is that true?"
At first, she was willing to answer as she thought his question would've been harmless enough and hadn't been personal. But this one was getting personal and she had no intention of getting into the long, turbulent history between demons and mortals with him, not right now and possibly not ever.
"That's a vague and expansive way to elucidate our judgement towards humans. But sure, we hate humans."
He glanced her way, his brow creased. "If that's the case then why didn't you try to stop Chizuru from getting involved with me?"
Without withdrawing, Asuna asked the question that she knew would follow the course of their conversation. "And why would I want to do that?"
Even if they had deviated from the right path and insisted to go down the wrong path, who was she to stop them?
"Because of your Demon Code. Senhime told Chizuru that demons have a code of noninterference with humans."
"It's because no good has ever come from associating with humans."
The vivid images reemerged again. Images of violence, the horrors of killings and deaths, the blood on the walls, the sounds of swords piercing flesh and throats screaming then slashed silent. Everyone screamed at the end. Everyone.
"So why did you let Chizuru break it then?" Sanosuke's probing inquiry was like a flash of light cutting through the grim darkness of memory.
"I have no interest in intervening with Chizuru's life. Likewise, I do not wish her or anyone else to impose themselves on mine either."
He half turned to face her squarely. "What do you really think though?"
What did she think? No one had ever asked her this before. Others had always either accepted her mindset and moved on, or they'd been determined to try and prove her wrong. Why was he the first to ask?
"I think you two shouldn't be together."
"I thought so." His smile became soft, almost pained, as if he found it a struggle to summon even a hint of his usual geniality. It was an expression that Asuna couldn't have missed even if she tried.
Was it a mistake for her to speak the truth? She understood that sometimes facing the truth was like scaling forbidding heights, knowing that one must climb the peak. But wouldn't it have been worse if she'd kept silent and stooped to falsehood? Sanosuke was obviously more reflective than affected by her scathing directness, yet for some reason she didn't want to rise and leave without giving him an explanation.
"Why does it matter what I think when it won't change anything?" Those earnest eyes were still fixed on Asuna, willing her quietly to continue and so she did. "Chizuru may be young but she has a mind of her own and makes her own decisions, even if those decisions are ultimately mistakes. The moment she chose to be with you, she knew she made the choice that would create her destiny, and with time she would be confronted by the consequences of that choice. But do you know what you're doing?"
The look on his face shifted to one of pure bemusement. "I don't understand your question."
"How much do you know about demons? What can you offer Chizuru that she doesn't already have or can't get from another demon as her mate? And have you also considered what happens if one day you are forced into the position of choosing between humans or Chizuru? What will you do then?"
If Harada Sanosuke was so eager to be with Chizuru, then it was only natural that he should be prepared to prove his value and worthiness to her. Especially in view of how his choice would not only impact his own life, but hers as well. His decision to pursue the relationship with a demon would only, in turn, bring on rancor and hatred from both races. The reality of what they would have to endure in the months and even years ahead made the revelation all the more irrefutable.
Further elaborating on this point, Asuna stated with a bluntness that bordered on brutality and left nothing unspoken. "It's easy for you mortals to speak of affection and passion in the spur of the moment. But those are merely words spoken for the sake of convenience, without proper consideration given to the deeper ramifications of your decisions."
Although it was plain and ugly, knowing the truth was better than living in the dark. It was something these mortals needed to hear to wake them up from their delusion and folly. Now that he understood the reality of his situation, he couldn't possibly remain stubborn and shortsighted to refuse even the slightest moderation of his opinions or behavior.
Instinctively after several moments of fraught silence, of her waiting for some high-flown denunciation, she braced for his anger.
It never came.
Instead, he studied her through narrowed eyes, glinting an unusually hard, bright amber from beneath his lashes. Gradually, his expression grew more pensive.
"You're right. I really don't know anything about demons and I also don't have much to offer Chizuru," he agreed in a relatively normal tone, sounding a little hoarse. "But I can offer her my skill as a warrior to protect her from harm and provide her the security of knowing that I will always be by her side. When she bears my children, I promise that I will be there to raise them to be decent people. I offer her my heart and all the love I have in it for her. I will choose her over anything else without a second thought."
Although his reply was flat, it bore a finality so absolute that Asuna was somewhat taken aback. A storm of confusion muddled her thoughts. "You're willing to leave the realm of power and authority, and would even give up the life that you've built up for yourself here just to be with her?"
"Apparently men can be notorious idiots and love makes us do crazy, stupid things. Isn't that what Hijikata-san is doing for you too?" Thrown off-guard by his discerning question, she cast him a sharp glance. Her disquieting emotions were forced to the surface like so much froth on a boiling ocean that was plain for anyone to see. "Your expression tells me I hit the mark. It's no wonder I have a feeling that I'm getting the heat in place of someone else. And here I am thinking that maybe the humidity was fogging up my brain."
Ignoring his quick-fire chuckle, she retorted, "Love is an unreal, delusional notion made up by you mortals. And you will never find it even if you search for it. Because love doesn't exist."
A word, Asuna brooded to herself, it is just a word.
Love was but an empty word without any real meaning except in the corrupt recesses of a mortal's mind. It was a nonsensical idea without a genuine concept attached.
"From the way you talk I'm beginning to think that you don't have any idea how much Hijikata-san is risking for you. If he's caught, he will face punishment as surely as Kondou and the rest of us would. Only it would be much worse for him, because he'll have to deal with the Shogun's wrath as well. His name and reputation would also be ruined." Sanosuke's features then turned grave when he asked, "Having said that, don't you think you're taking his sacrifices for you too lightly?"
"I have never asked him to do anything for me. Anything he's done has been his own personal choice." Each word was carefully enunciated as her sharp fangs threatened to erupt, control slipping once again.
She refused to be held accountable for his actions when time and again she'd made clear her thoughts on the matter, and had specifically asked him to divest himself of any notions he had of a future together with her.
"All that aside, Hijikata-san is someone who is strict with himself and with others, he follows orders no matter how inimical they might be to him personally. He went against his own nature when he decided to protect you. Everything he's done and said was a contradiction to his own values and beliefs. If he didn't do it out of love for you, then I'd say the man must be out of his mind. Besides, you can't honestly sit there and tell me you don't feel the same way for him."
Stunned incomprehension wiped away the rising red flush of her anger. "What are you implying?"
"When others speak in your presence, you're completely indifferent and give off the appearance of deafness. But when Hijikata-san speaks, you get upset. It's almost as if he makes you come alive. Only an infatuated woman would behave like this and have such an immoderate reaction to a man's every gesture and word."
Frozen, she stared at him hard, her throat so tight she could barely draw breath. That observation was like being doused with icy water. "I'm not infatuated with him. There's nothing there."
Yes, Asuna couldn't deny the emotional tug between them. If it wasn't there, she wouldn't have had this tangled knot in her stomach since returning to the Shinsengumi. But they were worlds apart, just about as disparate as two people could ever be. Therefore, regardless of any instantaneous feelings she might have for Hijikata, there could never be anything between them. Not even friendship from afar.
"You sure?" Sanosuke's eyes crinkled at the corners. As she'd thought, he was clever. He had picked up the secondary layer of meaning in her response. "Sometimes love means believing and trusting. Love means taking risks with your emotions and not backing down from what's in your heart. I've held back and wasn't willing to take the risk with my feelings for Chizuru, to put them on the line. But after being with her, I now know this is so much more than just a good feeling inside. It's about sacrifice. It's about giving a part of myself for someone else completely."
"You mortals are always being led by your own emotions and impulses to action. This is why humans are the weaker race," she stated, though that should have been self-evident.
Feelings were for the weak and helpless. It was the very reason demons barricaded themselves from emotions and attachments, their minds shut to the possibility of hope and dreams.
"Well, we're humans and we don't see our emotions as our enemy. I don't know much about how or why demons have stopped feeling, but I do feel sorry for you guys."
"Feel sorry for us?"
Asuna narrowed her eyes to dangerous slits, glittering with coldness as she sought intensely for adequate words to answer him, but to no avail. She'd been prepared for and armed against scorn, not against sympathy from a mortal.
Sympathy? What had she to do with sympathy? The last thing she wanted was sympathy of any kind, especially coming from humans. It was an insult to demons, an insult to their pride.
"Sure. Your race might be stronger, but your world is only limited to survival and what you have in your consciousness based on your experience. You know nothing of the joy of cuddling with the one you love under the moonlight and listening to the music played by the wind, of the warm feeling when being held affectionately, of living a life touched by love and a sense of belonging." The only reply Sanosuke received was silence as an icy pressure prickled over her body.
All of a sudden, Asuna remembered being in Hijikata's arms that night and the way she'd reacted to him. She also remembered the other night when his mouth had been on hers, gentle yet exploratory. All of that fire, all of that need, had rolled through her like a tempest. And his touch had made her lose herself. To enter a realm of sensation and closeness that had drawn her compellingly forward towards something she'd never known existed. She'd felt something in her snap taut like a forged connection in that precise moment, a male to female bonding. Heat rushed through her at the memory and she fought the senseless urge to touch her lips that she imagined could still feel the warmth of his kiss.
Asuna made an arduous effort to regain control of her thoughts, but already uncertainty was settling in and the vise of apprehension within her tightened by each passing second. It was much easier to be irritated, to stoke the heat of her anger, than to acknowledge Sanosuke's words of absolution. The words that flowed through her mind and was now taking root in her heart that had laid dormant all of her life. Nor did she want to bring to light the unwilling and unwanted realization that kept growing, in spite of all her vows to not allow this pull towards Hijikata.
"I know that's a lot to swallow at one time. But I'd suggest before you jump to any hasty decisions, maybe think things through carefully and really ask yourself how you feel about the man. Hijikata-san's will might be unbreakable for some, but not for you. He's had a brutal time since you left." The last remnants of her anger dissipated under the solemnity and seriousness of his gaze. Then as if he couldn't help himself however, he resumed his usual affable demeanor to soften the mood. "Don't mind my big mouth, I didn't mean to pry. I just wanted to reason with you, because that's what friends do. We look out for each other."
"Why would you, a human, want to befriend a demon?" She made no attempt to hide her perplexity that he'd even made such a statement. It was so incomprehensible.
A shrug, a hand thrust through the rich, dark red hair like autumn leaves. "I don't really care about this whole demon business. Whether you're a demon or a human, if you're good enough to be Chizuru's friend, you're definitely more than good enough to be my friend."
Asuna remained motionless, feeling such overwhelming kindness and forthrightness from the redhead that she could do nothing else. Although he was a mortal, she somehow knew Sanosuke wasn't capable of anything dishonorable or even inconsiderate. And if he was true to himself, his devotion to Chizuru was completely selfless. It was the most precious endowment a man could ever give to his mate.
At this moment Chizuru hurried out from the garden, radiating a smile their way as she waited by the entrance for Sanosuke to join her. His face instantly lit up with an unprompted smile that seemed to come from deep inside him, as he rose from the step of the stairs.
"Let's continue this another day, Shinohara-kun. I believe you actually have more interest in this chat than you care to admit." He made his way towards Chizuru to take his leave, but turned around once more. "And tell me your answer next time. I'm sure your answer will be worth the suspense."
He flashed her a completely unrepentant, knowing grin one last time, making her suspect he could read her thoughts before she even knew she had any. Again, he proved his acute intelligence, the wheels in his mind seemingly turning at a staggering speed. It drew out her wariness. And for some illogical reason, it also made her blood skim rapidly through her veins as she anticipated their next conversation.
As soon as Sanosuke reached Chizuru, she lowered her head with a respectful bow in Asuna's direction before they began walking away. Asuna studied the couple and watched them leave while they stayed close to each other as usual. It was almost as if there was no insecure situation nor impenetrable barrier between them. It was as if nothing could separate them. Not even the worst.
Asuna continued to stare after them long after they were out of sight. Sanosuke's words continued to spiral around her head in ways that was both inspiring and confounding all at once. For a frozen heartbeat, a hidden part of her that she'd never been aware of wondered what it was like to live in a life like them. A life full of laughter and touch, warmth and temptation. Then immediately her mind snapped back to reality as she chastised herself for the unruly and nonsensical direction of her thoughts.
There were many beautiful and necessary differences that could coexist in harmony. But there were also certain kinds of differences that did not blend. Mortals and demons were like oil and water, they separate and could never coexist in harmony. One must give way for the other, or else chaos would ensue. And it was only reasonable to expect that history between both races would repeat itself in the future.
At least Asuna had always believed that.
But now she wasn't so sure she had the truth anymore. Not when nothing had turned out the way she'd expected. If she had been right, then these humans should have been withholding judgement of her. They shouldn't have felt the need to make such a concerted effort to accept her as a demon and to help her. There was no logic behind it.
And most important of all, why did she feel as if she was being lured deeper and deeper into the mesh of the Shinsengumi, like a fish entangled in one of the enemy's nets?
X X X
After spending the rest of the day on the banks of a nearby river, Asuna finally returned to the Shinsengumi's headquarters. Though to her displeasure, her mind kept going over the events of the afternoon in a perennial cycle; puzzling over her conversation with Sanosuke.
"Maybe think things through carefully and really ask yourself how you feel about the man."
The enormity of the question had remained in the winds of her thoughts. How did she feel about Hijikata? It was hard to put into words what exactly she felt for him. She couldn't even explain what she felt for him to herself, let alone to someone else. Or perhaps the truth was that there could be no definite answer to that question. She decided not to dwell on the matter anymore. There was no reason to continue nurturing something that could not exist. Better to let it fade away on its own.
Exhaustion began to bite at Asuna. Regardless of how hard she tried to fight it, the fatigue seeped into her blood, making her head want to tilt to the side. As she rounded the corner and headed for her quarters at the far end of the veranda by the garden, Hijikata was proceeding down the hallway. He came to a quick standstill when his eyes caught hers and waited until she approached him.
"Not even a word?" He asked when she attempted to stride past him.
On any other day, Asuna would have ignored him and kept walking. But tonight, she didn't. Her motive a mystery even to herself. One thing was certain though, his unexpected question was a welcome dose of stimulation, rousing her to slight wakefulness.
Disregarding his authoritative tone, she focused on his query. "What is there to say that we haven't already said in front of the Shogun and others?"
Maintaining a straight face with a hard glance out of his pure violet eyes, Hijikata kept his voice low as they spoke. "Don't you think walking off without exchanging a word in the open will make people grow suspicious of us, even from a distance?"
"I can't fault your logic," she conceded quietly. "Now that we've spoken more than a few words, I'm sure it's more than sufficient."
"Actually, I was hoping to have some time with you alone. I think I owe you an apology."
The sincerity in his voice was hard to ignore. Asuna also knew how much that statement had to have cost this proud mortal. "For which thing?"
"For which…?" He was a little taken aback, but then he recovered with a snort. "Am I that offensive? You make me sound like a rotten bastard on top of everything else."
His lips quirked up into a subtle smile and the softness in his expression did something strange to her that she couldn't even begin to describe. She tried to remember the last time she had seen him smile like this and came up empty. It was odd what made him react favorably, especially when she spoke to him with frost in every word tonight.
With a determined effort, she redirected her thoughts back to their conversation. "You're just being you."
Hijikata looked at her for a long moment. "I'm not sure how to interpret that, but I'll take it that it wasn't meant in a complimentary way."
"It wasn't an insult, either."
"I don't believe that," he said sharply, his tone threaded through with amusement as well as a confidence that suggested he was a man who rarely saw the need to question himself. "But regardless, I'm sorry I accused you of encouraging the Shogun to fawn over you."
"There's no need for an apology when we were both overtaken by the moment."
In the heat of the moment, they both were at fault. Each had been insensitive to the other's sore spots. She was also quite adept at saying and doing things to push him away.
"That doesn't mean I didn't do things I have to apologize for."
Asuna wasn't about to get into an argument with the Vice-Commander, particularly over something that hadn't crossed her mind since then. "Fine, I accept your apology."
"Wait."
He blocked her retreat when she tried to turn away, his body a formidable obstruction she couldn't get around. Another wave of exhaustion slammed into her and her head spun.
"If you are waiting for an apology then you'll be waiting a long time, because you're not getting one from me."
"You look paler than usual. Are you alright?" He inquired unexpectedly, gazing at her with concern that was nearly palpable.
"I don't want to engage in any more small talk with you." It was a dark mutter.
Hijikata stood his ground. "I'm not interested in whether or not you want to talk. I'm interested in your health."
He knew Asuna would avoid answering the question if she could and he wouldn't let her evade him. Just as she knew she must look worse for wear if he was being this relentless about such a delicate subject.
"Asuna," he said, drawing her attention when she gave no response and watching her with disconcerting intensity.
The way he said her name, all soft and drawn out, made those newly awakened parts of her surge and her heartbeat quicken. She didn't know why she felt so discomposed by him. Or why he would even have any sort of impact on her carefully regulated life. It was almost as if her heart began to question her head, and that she was reacting to Hijikata exactly in the way that Sanosuke had claimed she would.
That last thought had her frozen in place.
The same perplexing, disturbing awareness she'd experienced was back again and she didn't want to feel it. She desperately didn't want to feel any of it. No, she had to get her wayward emotions under tighter control. These mortals were bringing out confusion in her that she couldn't afford to entertain. Asuna stifled her reaction to him, to his extraordinarily piercing eyes.
After a pause which lasted just a shade too long, she answered crisply, her composure back in place. "My health is fine."
Closing the distance between them, Hijikata raised his hand as if to reach out and touch her shoulder. But he stopped himself and wrenched his hand back partway. The action didn't escape her notice. Although Asuna chose to ignore it, she didn't want any part of his body touching hers.
"Are you sure?" A hint of gentleness entered his tone, forcing her to look into his gaze. When he was this close, she wasn't sure of anything.
"Why won't you go away?"
She couldn't fathom why he wasn't running away from her after everything she'd said and done to him. And why was he still worried about her well-being even when she was deliberately harsh and cruel to him? Instead, he seemed willing to continue jeopardizing everything for her. It simply didn't make sense and his actions continued to escape her understanding.
A few seconds of silence before he gave a pained sigh and folded his arms across his chest. "I haven't seen you the entire day. I returned in the evening from guarding the Shogun in the city, thinking you'd show up at the common room for dinner, but you never did. I'd say you've had plenty of space today."
"Not enough." Her voice dropped to a quiet but firm whisper. "And you know this is not what I'm referring to here."
"You can't hide from me forever. We've still got work to do and this tension between us isn't going anywhere just because you chose to ignore it." An unwelcome certainty he wouldn't permit her to forget.
"I told you before, there is no us," Asuna insisted more vehemently this time. If she kept repeating it over and over, perhaps that would penetrate her stubborn and rebellious heart. "There is only you and me, separately."
Hijikata's mouth stretched into a grim line and even though it was dark, she could still see the flash of hurt in his eyes.
"Then what is this?" he asked, gliding his fingertips along her throat where her pulse pounded so quickly that he must have been able to see it. "Explain this attraction between us, then. I know you feel it too."
Asuna felt more than she ever had before. More than she ever wanted to feel. But she also knew Hijikata had only raised a fleeting physical reaction in her, and that her feelings were not something she would ever share with him.
"I will be leaving here once the conflict is resolved."
And it was only a matter of time before she had to leave. When she did, whatever it was that had bloomed between them would wither and die. It'd be forever unrealized and unachieved because there would be no chance for her to delve deeper into it and grasp all its depths. This was clearly the best outcome for both of them, especially if they wanted to live the life that they each deserved.
Her statement of the obvious rattled him. The tension was visible on his face and she saw him go deeper into himself to gather his thoughts before responding.
"If we didn't have our differences," he began slowly, giving each word the full measure of its weight. Heat shimmered in the liquid depth of his violet eyes, holding her captive. They burned fierce and intense, as if he wanted to convey something important to her. "Would you want to stay here?"
"There's no point in dwelling on such things when nothing can change the fact that I am a demon and you are a mortal. You may wish it differently, but it doesn't make it any less true. We are what we are, it's as simple as that."
"What if I asked you to stay?" His voice was so cool and collected that it reminded Asuna a lot of her own, turning her mind blank.
Hijikata took a step closer. His gaze raked across her, searching her face, looking at her as if the answer he sought might be written across her skin. The moon silhouetted his body and glinted off his black hair, giving him a dangerous edge that belied the incredible tenderness and determination etched on his features. Up close, everything about him seemed dark and relentless.
She put every ounce of impervious conviction into her answer despite the sudden heat that raced under her skin, scorching her. "No, there's no reason for me-"
"Stay."
As he continued to look into her eyes, she could feel the strength of his expression, the singleness of focus. It made her feel as if she was the only thing in the world he could see, even when she knew that wasn't true. Hijikata Toshizou saw everything. He always had.
"You're not listening to me." Asuna coated each word with intentional calm. It was the only way she could fight what he was doing to her. She could no longer think clearly because her feelings and his presence were overpowering her.
"I heard every word you said. It's you who are not listening to yourself."
The force of his resolution, of his impermeable self-confidence, bored into her and pierced holes in her protective armor. He was making her susceptible to inconsistency…and defeat.
"I don't know what that means."
He closed his hand around her wrist with unbelievable speed and showed no intention of letting go. "You don't react like this to anyone else. Only me."
Without blinking or backing away, she cleaved as closely to the truth as possible to make him believe her. "For some reason, you're attracted to me. And yes, I'm drawn to you. But none of this is important because what's happening between us doesn't mean anything more than what it is."
"Liar."
Asuna felt her mind stop at that single affectionate word. She had been around these mortals long enough to recognize affection and understood the basic import of such apparently lighthearted comments. But it had never occurred to her that she might one day be on the receiving end of this most sensual form of it. Particularly from a man who had been so enraged with her only two days ago.
"This isn't leading us anywhere. I think it's best that we retire for the night." It was the only response she could give.
"The trouble is that you think far too much," he said gently with understanding. Or perhaps more than that, he knew.
She reminded herself it was inevitable that he should know her. But that cold knowledge did absolutely nothing to alleviate the tight knot radiating from her stomach.
He carried on, "Even only for a moment, don't think, just feel. Follow the path your senses, your feelings are urging you down and maybe you will discover what all this between us means and we'll deal with the rest in time. Right now, I just need you to stay with me."
Telling a demon that he needed her was the last thing she'd expected to hear from Hijikata Toshizou.
Need was dangerous and Asuna had avoided needing anyone at all costs. She'd never placed herself in a position to need anything from anyone since the death of her parents and Takeda. And she'd been extremely successful until Hijikata.
The thought that she might actually need him paralyzed her. He somehow had a way of taking a part of her without her permission. It was as though he held a key that she never knew existed to the lock inside of herself, which kept safe all she refused to share. But looking into his eyes this moment, she realized that had changed. She no longer knew how to get back to the safe place she'd been in before he had held her chilled body in his arms that night.
But she also couldn't find it within herself to allow her inexplicable attraction to a mortal to sway her. To let that fascination run free, to indulge her curiosity about this most frustrating, yet unusual man. Even if there was no possibility of war between both races and he was no longer an emissary of the enemy.
"You're trying to delay the inevitable."
"Walking away isn't going to solve anything, either," he replied, punishing her temerity with a bluntness that sliced through her composed front with dismaying ease.
"Are you two fighting again?" Asked a familiar child's voice that Asuna noticed had caused Hijikata's expression to darken imperceptibly. Most wouldn't have noticed it, but much to her minor annoyance she realized that she had begun to be more adept at reading him lately.
"Prince Iesato, it's rather late. I do believe you should be back in your quarters resting." Hijikata said, his tone as neutral as he could manage, though the concern was evident. It was a far cry from the dressing down he had given the child in their last interaction.
"How come you two fight every time you talk?" Curiosity and mischief marring his features and lit his eyes. "Are you really this boorish man's fiancée?"
"Pardon me, prince. I must not have heard you correctly. What did you just say?" Hijikata asked, his ire rising. She could feel his anger seething around her and knew that the slightest misstep could set him off.
"I said you're a boor. Seems to me like you've got some problems with your hearing too, old man," the prince retorted with condescension that only someone borne into privilege could muster.
His face grew black with fury and his body coiled, ready for action. "Old am I? How would you like this old man to provide you lessons in respect that you would obviously benefit from?"
"You have me shaking in fear, old man." He boldly stared into Hijikata's eyes, as if daring him to do something about his open audacity. "Anyway, you both can stop pretending to be engaged now, I know you're faking it."
Hijikata went motionless. It was almost as though he was examining the statement for flaws. "What makes you think you know what you're talking about?"
"For one, you argue more than you get along," the prince spoke as if he was the adult speaking to a slow-witted child.
"There are exceptions. We fight as much as we get along."
"Really? Then prove it," he challenged, clearly not believing either of them.
"Huh? Prove it?"
"Yes. If you can prove that you two really are that close, I might find it in me to believe you're engaged to each other."
"I will leave you two alone as I can see you need it," Asuna offered, trying to distance herself from the escalating conversation. There was no need to partake in an argument between a grown man and a child.
Suddenly, she found Hijikata's arm around her shoulders and her own head pressed against the warm pulse in the hollow of his neck. She was so stunned by the embrace that her arms remained limply at her sides, where they belonged. If she was confused before, she was utterly at a loss now. His scent suffused her, rich and masculine, clean and earthy. Asuna found her senses swimming and knew she would be unable to concentrate or think clearly until there was some distance between them.
She knew. Instinctively she knew she should have pulled away, but she didn't. Because she realized that he was only putting on an act, hoping to throw the prince off their track. Standing stiff like a pillar, her shoulders gradually eased down as she waited for his next move, involuntarily drawing his warmth around her like a cloak. It was a dizzying, heady sensation to be held so. She had to battle against the pleasure of it with all of the willpower she could muster.
"Now you can get a good look at how we get along," Hijikata said, completely unconvincingly.
Between the swirl of tension in Asuna's body and Hijikata's expression that suggested he was also far from comfortable with the whole situation, it would be difficult for anyone to believe that the two of them were even friends.
"That's all? Even kids hug each other all the time. What's the big deal about it? You didn't prove anything," chided the prince, rolling his eyes heavenwards.
For some reason the prince's words really seemed to have struck a chord and Hijikata almost growled in frustration. "Then what do you want? Do we have to kiss in front of you for you to believe us?"
He turned his head towards her and their faces became close enough for them to feel each other's warm breath. For a moment, neither of them could do more than stare. As if something inexplicable had trapped them in an embrace of awareness. Then he lowered his head until his lips nearly touched hers. Asuna's heart slammed against her ribs. She could almost taste him on her lips even though only his breath touched her mouth. Narrowing his eyes, he studied her face.
Would he try to kiss her again? Would she let him?
But Hijikata never breached the final distance between them. He didn't kiss her again. And she'd known that should his lips come down onto hers again, it would push her and the seething chaos of her emotions too far. Reacting on instinct, she promptly reached into the same icy reservoir of calm that had helped her survive, as she knew it would chill the fire in what should have been the pure, unbreakable ice of her heart.
Hijikata wanted to snarl. He had made some ruthless decisions in his time, but he didn't know if he had it in him to cause Asuna pain. The kind that would slam her into an immediate withdrawal within herself. Another tense silence as he rethought their current situation and then made up his mind.
Without loosening his grip, he calmly turned his head towards the prince. "I don't need to prove anything to anyone, especially not to a brat who thinks he can put me in my place."
His face flushed with anger at Hijikata's dismissive tone and the deliberate insult. "You grownups think I'm a brat, but most of you just can't handle the fact that I'm smarter than you are."
The corner of his lips curved in to the slightest of grins. "Spoken like a true brat."
The prince was livid. If looks could kill, Hijikata had no doubt he would be murdered and buried in the earth by now. "You will slip up soon enough, old man and then I will make you eat your words!"
With that, he turned and fled as fast as he could. Asuna immediately pulled away before Hijikata released his hold on her. The moment of intensity between them shifted. It became abruptly awkward and uncomfortable.
"What a troublesome prince." He blew out a frustrated breath, putting his hand on his hip. "This is turning into a hell of a problem. If we're not careful, things are going to get bad if even a child can see through our ruse."
She shot him a piercing look. "Then you shouldn't have provoked him."
Hijikata saw a glittering expression on her face that he understood all too well. Fury. At him and at herself. He already figured she'd be furious, maybe a hell of a lot more than furious. But he didn't care. Not when it came to protecting her.
"Would you have wanted me to kiss you in front of a child instead?" The question came out without thought.
He noticed her gaze trailing from his eyes to his lips and then returning to his face again. It was obvious that he wasn't the only one remembering the sizzle from that evening. Despite himself, Hijikata also couldn't stop thinking about their recent kiss. He'd swooped in and stolen that one. If he had done the same tonight, would she have let him?
Asuna then broke eye contact and looked across the distance at the nearby small trees where she remained riveted. "A kiss is just a melding of lips and I still don't see the point of it. But if it will get him off our backs and out of our sight, I won't be against it."
Surprise hit Hijikata hard.
There was something in her tone, something that tempted him to believe that she was willing…Or maybe he was letting his own desires influence his interpretation of her words. Though he couldn't help but wonder what she'd do if he gave in to temptation and flicked his tongue along her soft, full lower lip.
He moved closer to her again. "Does that mean you've been thinking about our kiss?"
Her spine went rigid as she gave him a genuinely startled glance. The cold dark in her eyes retreated just enough to shatter her façade of ice. "What?"
It didn't rock him how much he had been wanting to see what he saw in her at this moment. The need had become an unrelenting ache by now.
"Because I have. Can't stop thinking about it, actually."
Hijikata stepped even closer to her, so close that if she drew a breath, she would feel the strong beat of his heart against her breast. Touching her chin, he dipped his head a few inches until only his face filled her vision. And just one more inch. He just needed to move one more inch and it would be so damn easy to haul her into his arms and kiss her senseless. He ached to taste her again. He wanted to drive all those unwanted thoughts right out of her mind and stop her from thinking. He had done it once and he knew he could do it again.
The knowledge stirred his body and shortened his breath. Letting the intimacy of the moment linger between them, he continued to caress her flawless skin, cool and smooth to the touch like porcelain. Something flashed in her eyes as she bit her lower lip. Hot blood rushed to his groin and his growing need almost overcame the last coherent thought.
Almost.
Curling his other free hand into a tight fist, Hijikata fought down the primitive need that made him want to show her, by force if necessary, how it could be.
"I want you to know that I won't take advantage of you in any way. As much as I want to kiss you again, I'll only do what you want. I know your boundaries and I won't cross them."
He knew he was treading in dangerous waters. Especially when he could tell she still didn't trust him. Although she was weakening and her shell was cracking, he was fully aware that if he pushed in this moment, he would break something deep inside their relationship. Something that had hardly formed.
So he waited and hoped.
And then he swallowed his disappointment when she backed away from his touch and spoke again.
"Then start keeping your hands to yourself." The impassable layers of ice had returned. Her tone was cold enough to freeze summer rain. "I don't want to be touched. Don't make me repeat myself."
Closing his eyes, Hijikata drew in a deep breath and shored himself up. Asuna didn't spare him a single glance back as she moved past him. This time when she walked away, he didn't stop her.
X X X
AUTHOR NOTE:
Hi folks, I'm back! Yes, I am still alive. And no, I didn't go on a sudden hiatus lol. But for some reason, I was extremely slow with this chapter. I think it was either because I was having a really tough time writing the content (especially the second scene, oh dear…) or I was just feeling burnt out. So I ended up taking my time with it - sorry!
Anyway, I made this chapter extra-long (instead of splitting it into 2 chapters) to make it up to you guys. And I also added a new fanart on my mini blog (see my profile for url address) if any of you want to feast your eyes on a very sexy Hijikata drawing, haha! Already, time to go now. See you all next time!