Chapter Four: What About Blondes

2013 – Fall

"Natsumi-chaaan!"

"If you don't stop fucking calling me that – "

"Why do I have to sit in the back?" Gojou leaned forward, sticking his head into the front to look at her, a pout on his face.

"Because you're a shithead," Natsumi bit out.

"Ba-chan! You promised!" Sumiko cried out.

"He started it!"

Sumiko shook her head, "Be the better person!"

"Yeah, Natsumi-chan. Be the better person!"

Natsumi glared forward at the road, regretting buying these tickets. She had bought four tickets so that Sumiko could bring Megumi and Tsumiki, or even two friends from school if she preferred. Gojou, however, upon hearing of this wonderful event had purchased his own ticket. She made him sit in the backseat between Megumi and Tsumiki, the only form of retribution she could have because of course, Sumiko had been excited that they could all go.

"Gojou-sensei," Sumiko spoke seriously, "you promised too."

He clutched his shirt, right over his heart (shriveled, empty thing that it was), "Sumiko-chan! I'm hurt! I promised to be nice. I am being so nice. It's not my fault that – "

"Shut up," groaned Megumi. "You talk too much."

"Sit back and listen to Megumi-kun," Sumiko said gently.

Gojou sat back, a pout on his face. "You're all bullies."

"You're an antagonistic fuckwad and you know it," Natsumi said.

"Ba-chan, stop. Can't we all just… get along?"

"No," Natsumi and Megumi spoke in unison, and she grinned at him in the rearview mirror. He didn't grin back, but he didn't scowl at her either which was better than how he treated Gojou. She knew she liked that kid.

Tsumiki piped up brightly, "This is supposed to be Sumiko-chan's birthday gift."

"Yeah, it is. It was supposed to be a fun night out for the kids, but somebody," she looked in the rearview again to see Gojou mocking her, "decided to invite themselves."

Sumiko sighed, "I said he could come."

"After he bought the ticket! After! Not before! And he told us yesterday! How was anyone supposed to tell him no?"

"I thought you would appreciate my company. Now you have an extra six eyes on the kids!" she could hear the stupid grin. He just loved that fucking joke.

It was Natsumi's turn to sigh, "If they weren't in this car, I would drive us off a cliff."

He snorted, "You'd be the only one that died."

"Still worth it if it means I never have to hear your stupid fucking – "

"That's not funny," Sumiko muttered. "I wish you wouldn't joke like that."

Natsumi stiffened, it hadn't fully been a joke, but Sumiko didn't know all the dark parts of Natsumi, the far too casual relationship she had with death. Just like she didn't know how bad her drinking had been, or that she started drinking and smoking again. That she did these things, so she didn't do worse. That it was the only way she felt she could keep her emotions under control. "You're right, I'm sorry. I should be more sensitive. I… I forgot, for a second."

The mood turned somber. For a second, she had forgotten. It was easy to forget because Sumiko was generally well-adjusted even if she was a little too serious for a thirteen-year-old. Sumiko had been with her parents and grandparents when they died, the only survivor that night. They hadn't driven off a cliff, but the road had been wet and the car had slid. It had been instant death for Natsumi's parents, but Ichiro had died in the ambulance and Aiko had died shortly after she made it into the hospital. Natsumi wondered if she only made it that long because she was a sorcerer. Natsumi still wasn't sure how Sumiko had survived at all. Sumiko didn't talk about that night, and so sometimes Natsumi forgot just how terrible it must have been for her. It usually wasn't an issue, but then she didn't usually have Gojou Satoru in her back seat making a nuisance of himself.

She saw his shock of white hair as he leaned forward into the front seat, toying with the radio and turning the music up. "Could you sit back and put on a seat belt?"

He stuck his tongue out at her, "What for? I'm invincible."

"Sumiko told me that's not how it works."

"You're gonna believe her over me? I'm hurt. Betrayed even." He clicked through the stations, finding nothing worth listening to. "Don't you have any CDs?"

Natsumi ignored him, but Sumiko pulled the CD case from under the seat. "She has a bunch! These are just the car ones."

"Sumiko, don't let him touch them, he'll throw them out the window just to piss me off."

Gojou flipped Natsumi off while Sumiko searched through the CDs. Natsumi fought the urge to break his finger in half. "Megumi, you can take him, right?"

"Not yet," he muttered. "You'll be the first to know."

"Megumi-chan!" Gojou pointed out a CD for Sumiko to put on and sat back, looking once again shocked and offended. "I thought you loved me!"

"I don't know what gave you that idea."

Gojou continued irritating Megumi and idly bickering. Natsumi was learning, that while Gojou was generally inconsiderate and obnoxious, he was… a touch more thoughtful than he presented. He had picked up the conversation again to distract Sumiko, so that she wouldn't sit in silence and be upset. She also knew the real reason he had invited himself, even if he wouldn't admit to it. Since Natsumi turned thirteen, the Zen'in had been more present, nothing serious yet, but they were sniffing around. It was highly doubtful they would do anything crazy, but big events like this made Sumiko nervous, she had been with them just long enough to be afraid.

"Oh, wasn't this popular when you were in school?"

Natsumi's eyes bulged, this band was at least ten years older than her and hadn't been popular for over a decade. "We are the same age you fuck!"

"Really? Huh, you look older. My mistake."

"You pompous piece of – "

They bickered for the rest of the car ride, and Sumiko gave up on trying to make them stop. It was almost funny that the children were more well-behaved than their adult caretakers. Really, the kids deserved better than the two of them. Tsumiki and Sumiko handled them with more grace than children should have, and Megumi pretended they didn't exist until they (meaning Gojou) made it impossible for him to do so.

After they made it to the venue, Natsumi was grateful for Gojou's presence. He didn't need to know that of course, but she did end up appreciating him. They were able to stand on either end of the kids, keeping them boxed in and his six eyes certainly didn't hurt the situation. They did let them wander a bit, stand in line by themselves to buy t-shirts while they watched closely. Megumi was a pretty good deterrent for most people; he gave off the most disconcerting energy and Natsumi saw multiple teenage boys (and a few grown men) turn away from the girls when they caught sight of Megumi. The only people who seemed unperturbed were the little girls that made up the little fanclub Megumi seemed to have no matter where they went.

Natsumi stayed fixated on the kids because while she knew Gojou could see more than she ever would, that was not an excuse for her to rely solely on him. It was good to watch the girls relax a little, and she thought maybe she saw Megumi crack a smile or two. It was sweet.

"Hey."

Natsumi turned her head to see a young man, not much younger than her or Gojou. He was a cute guy, with an earnest face and dark hair. "Uh, you need something?"

"Oh, uh, no not really," he blushed. "I was just wondering… could I get your number?"

She raised an eyebrow, "My number?"

"Yeah, your number," he repeated, a bit more confidence in his voice. "I thought maybe after this, we could go out."

Natsumi could hear Gojou not so discreetly chortling on the other side of her. "No," she said and thought for a moment. "I'm here with my kid," she added because Sumiko was always a great card to play in these situations.

His face reddened further and the blush spread across his neck. "Maybe I could take you to dinner, some other time."

"No."

His green eyes flicked towards Gojou, who was currently doubled over in barely contained laughter. "Is he your boyfriend?"

"Not on his life."

"Oh… well, alright then," he mumbled and fled, back to his friends waiting in the distance. They all kept turning to look back and were trying to bolster their friend after the rejection he had faced.

"You know, this is why you're single," Gojou patronized her.

She nearly choked, because she did not discuss her dating life (or lack thereof) with anyone, least of all with Gojou. "I'm single because why exactly?"

"That was a cute guy, and you just chased him off. You're all surly and mean."

"Well, then you go ask for his number, sounds like he's free after this."

Gojou leaned forward exaggeratedly, watching him leave with his friends. "Na, not my type."

"Well, he's not mine either."

Gojou hummed thoughtfully, "I could set you up, you know. Sorcerer, non-sorcerer, either one."

Her skin prickled, she did not want Gojou involved in her dating life. Natsumi could barely call what she had done dating, sure there had been a few dates here and there. Nothing that lasted, nothing that stuck. Most of her 'dating´ had been a string of hookups, always their place, never hers. She didn't want strange men to know where she lived even before Sumiko, and she had even more reason after (not that there had been anyone since she started taking care of Sumiko). She never stayed until morning the morning, it was too awkward, and… it was just too much, too overwhelming. The few times a man insisted she should stay the night, that it wasn't safe to leave so late, she left as soon as they fell asleep. In her opinion, it was safer to chance the streets than the man she'd taken to bed.

"No, Gojou. I'm… I can get my own dates."

"Is it women? I know women too. Most of them are mean, but you're mean. Do you like mean? Is that why you didn't like that guy?"

She let out a groan, "Gojou, enough."

"I don't think Utahime likes girls, but Shoko is pretty mean, and she doesn't tolerate me much either. You have that in common already! I could call her and – "

"Gojou! Stop! I don't… I don't want to date. I'm okay with how things are." She was, really, maybe she was a little lonely sometimes, but… it was better. Better to be lonely than fall back into bad habits.

He sighed dramatically and threw an around her shoulders, his limitless dropped. "I understand, you're just so obsessed with me. Of course, you can't think of anyone else, how could you? I mean look at me – "

"I would rather have a lobotomy."

Gojou gasped, "I lied, Shoko is way nicer to me! You're more like Nanami. Ooh, what about Nanami? He pretends to be normal and he hates me! Do you like blondes?"

Natsumi shrugged his arm off, resisting the urge to dig her elbow into his ribs. The few times Gojou dropped his limitless to touch her (always to do something that made her uncomfortable for his own amusement) it was always back in place before she could retaliate. She refused to play right into his hand and be faced with the smug look on his face when she crashed and burned.

Did she like blondes? Not particularly, she liked – Getou suddenly crossed her mind, the way his dark hair had cascaded down his back, too thick and too long in the heat. The chill in his eyes and the tightness in his jaw, the way his muscles had tensed when she accused him of murder.

"No, I don't like blondes," she said as the kids raced back to them.

The rest of the concert went without much incident, Gojou scanning the crowd idly at different intervals. On the way back Sumiko let Gojou take the front seat so she could talk more with Tsumiki, Megumi promptly went to sleep, long past done with everyone's antics. The ride felt shorter on the way back, Gojou flipped through her CDs and fell into one of his more mellow moods. The sound of Megumi's faint snoring and the low chatting of the girls drifted through the car, and Natsumi felt… at peace. It wasn't something she got to feel often, but it was… nice, for however long it would last.

Natsumi pulled as close to Jujutsu High as she could, it didn't exactly have easy street access. "Are you sure you guys don't want to stay the night?" she stared at the steep steps leading up to the school.

Gojo waved her off, pulling Megumi out of the car and tossing him on his shoulder unceremoniously. Megumi stayed asleep, snoring louder than before. "I think I've pushed you enough for tonight."

"It wasn't… so bad," she said. "I think Tsumiki is too tired for all those stairs anyway."

Tsumiki rubbed at her eyes, "It's fine, you get used to it."

Gojou flashed his teeth, blinding in the darkness. "Who said we were walking?" He closed the car door, took Tsumiki's hand in his, and a moment later they were gone.

Natsumi blinked in the darkness, and she looked at Sumiko accusingly as she climbed into the front seat. "If he can do that, then why the fuck is he late to everything?"

"I think because he can," she answered yawning.

"Every time I think he might be okay, he does shit like that," Natsumi muttered as she pulled away. "Are you hungry? We can stop and eat."

Sumiko shook her head. "I have school tomorrow anyway."

She snorted. "You didn't really think you were going to school tomorrow, did you?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"You went to a concert, it's almost midnight. Gojou and I already agreed you were all staying home tomorrow," she informed her.

"Oh…"

She sounded disappointed. "What, you want to go to school?"

Sumiko shrugged, "Kind of. I was going to see – " She stopped, pressing her lips together tightly.

Natsumi glanced at her, there was a blush on her face. Oh, she had a crush. Sumiko had never talked about having a crush before, Natsumi was sure she must have them, but she never talked about them. "You know… we've never really talked about… boys," she said carefully. It was a conversation she had avoided because Natsumi was the last person who should give anyone advice about the dangers of dating. Or maybe the best person, depending on how you looked at it.

"Oh please no." Sumiko turned the radio up, trying to cut this conversation off.

"Seriously," Natsumi turned the music back down. "We need to talk about it. You're thirteen, you'll be fourteen in March – "

"I know how old I am."

There was far more attitude in her voice than she thought there would be. Sumiko didn't really have a lot of attitude, she was mostly pleasant and easygoing. Natsumi guessed that was going to change at some point. "I'm not trying to make you upset or ruin the night we just had. I just, it's something we should talk about. There's nothing wrong with liking boys, or dating, or anything. I just want you to tell me when you start to like… think about it. You can talk to me about it."

Sumiko stayed quiet until they finally pulled in front of the house. "Why don't you date?"

Why was her dating life suddenly on everyone's minds? "I don't have time to date," she lied.

"Because of me?"

Natsumi let her head fall against the steering wheel. "That's not what I meant, I just… I don't want to date. It's… dating is really hard."

"Aren't you lonely?"

"Sumiko… I'm fine, don't worry about it."

"You said we could talk about dating."

Natsumi lifted her head and twisted in the seat to look more fully at Sumiko. She looked so much like Ichiro, so worried and concerned. "I meant we could talk about you dating. I just wanted to make sure you knew you didn't have to hide anything from me," she explained. "What's this about?"

Sumiko looked away, picking at the dead skin around her nails. "I just… I want you to be happy is all."

"Who said I wasn't? Did Gojou say something to you?" she accused. "He shouldn't be talking to you about that stuff, it's weird."

"No! He didn't say anything at all. I… I said something to him."

"Sumiko, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," she muttered and stared out of the front window, away from Natsumi. "I just… I don't want you to be alone, if… if something happens to me. I don't want you to be alone."

Natsumi felt her blood run cold, why was she thinking about that? Had Gojou told her about the student who died? They agreed that at some point she would need to know, but not now, there was still time. She could still be a kid, for a little while. "Nothing is going to happen to you," she said fiercely.

"It could, anything could happen. I could… I know it's dangerous," she said and she sounded too old, too jaded for a thirteen-year-old.

Nausea settled in her stomach; how could she be okay with that? "Nothing is going to happen to you. I won't… You can't."

"I just… I don't want you to be alone if something happens to me. I want you to be happy… so date, or go out sometimes. I can watch myself now, I'm old enough. You can trust me," she insisted.

"That's not… That's not the issue, Sumiko. There's… Nothing is going to happen to you. It doesn't matter."

"It's not just that," she said, "it won't be that long before I'm in high school. Then I'll be living at school, and you'll be alone. Then Megumi and Tsumiki will be in high school too and only Tsumiki is going to regular school. I won't see you as much. You'll be alone, and you don't do well alone."

Natsumi rubbed her arms, she wanted not to have this conversation. They didn't talk about what Natsumi was like before Sumiko moved in with her before they were the only family they had left. She knew Sumiko had to remember at least a little bit, even if she hadn't been around much. "It's not your job to take care of me. It's my job to take care of you. Just let me do that."

"Then date, or something, make friends, I don't care. Do something besides work and worry about me. It makes me worry about you, so just… try, please?"

"Did you ask Gojou to set me up?"

Sumiko nodded, "Yeah. I asked him to talk to you about it. He told me you said no when you went to the bathroom."

"Sumiko… I don't think – "

"Can't you just think about it?" Sumiko begged.

"I will think about it," Natsumi agreed. The older Sumiko got, the harder it was to tell her no. Not that it had ever been easy to begin with.

They made it into the house without further disagreement, Natsumi sat at the kitchen table listening to the sound of Sumiko getting ready for bed. She ran her fingers along the top of the table, the same table she had sat at with her parents. Being lectured for her grades, for the people she had hung around. The calls about her behavior, the times she had got caught skipping school. She thought now, that maybe her parents had had it easier. They had been worried about Natsumi getting pregnant, about not getting into a good school. Natsumi was worried that Sumiko was going to die.

She wouldn't make it, she knew she wouldn't. Natsumi had had a much too familiar relationship with death from the time she was sixteen. She wasn't afraid of dying, in and of itself, hadn't been for years. The only thing she feared now was leaving Sumiko alone, it was the only reason to give her pause in drinking, the only reason she hadn't pushed it farther with Getou that night. It was the only reason, she hadn't killed herself like she had planned.

If the accident had happened one day later, just one day, Natsumi wouldn't have been alive to hear about it. It was just too hard, to be alive, sober or not. For years she blamed her parents, resented them because why couldn't they just love her? They loved their daughter, sure, but they did not love Natsumi, and it was a distinction that they couldn't understand. It certainly hadn't helped, but she could remember it having always been hard to want to be alive. She had never really understood the desire to want to live, independently from other factors. Maybe she just wasn't born with it.

It got harder as she got older, as she lost things that no one could understand until she just couldn't take it. For a year she had left, and she let… so many things happen to her, was a participant in things she couldn't think about without wishing she wasn't alive. When she finally came home… she tried, a little, to pretend none of it had happened. She tried to pretend that she was at least a little okay. She worked, she got an apartment, and she waited for it to get easier.

It never did.

Natsumi could not find a reason to want to be alive, and up until Sumiko, she had spent twenty-one years looking for a reason. Taking care of her, and trying to keep her safe from all the awful feelings that seemed to just come with being alive… It was a reason. A reason to try to want to live.

If Sumiko died, Natsumi would not live through it. It would not even be a debate; she simply would not do it.

"Goodnight, ba-chan. Don't stay up too late," Sumiko yawned and waved as she headed down the hallway.

"Goodnight."

She waited until she heard the bedroom door click shut, waited until the house was so quiet all she could hear was the sound of her own breath. When it did, when it was so quiet it made her skin crawl, she stood and climbed on top of the kitchen counters, just like she had when she was a kid. On the top of the cabinets, there was a lip, and it created a few inches of empty, unused space. Her mother hadn't liked putting things up there, it would get dusty and eventually lost. It made it the perfect place to hide things. She pulled out the cigarettes and lighter hidden there and went outside.

Natsumi sat in the cool air on the steps in front of the home she had grown up in, and thought about it, because she had promised Sumiko she would. She didn't like to lie to her, and she didn't want to break promises if she didn't have to.

She was twenty-three now, Sumiko had been with her just barely over two years and so it had been at least that long since… well she'd done anything with anyone. Longer since she had actually tried to date. Natsumi had always been bad at it, the few people that weren't dangerous or bad for her were… boring, or they wanted her in the short term. She wasn't the kind of person people wanted to introduce to their parents, even before she was raising a kid who wasn't her kid.

But maybe it could be different this time. Maybe… maybe if she let someone else do the picking, it would be okay. She was older now, still… still fucked up but a little more stable. She actually went to all her shifts at work, and she was sneaking a cigarette, but she'd left the alcohol where it was. Maybe she didn't want to be alive, but she wasn't drinking herself to death anymore.

Maybe… maybe it would be okay.

She sent Gojou the text before she could regret it.

(01:53) No one that will be her teacher.
(01:53) None of your sloppy seconds either.

She's nearly done with her cigarette when her phone starts pinging.

(01:59) I didn't think you would actually go for it.
(01:59) I owe Sumiko 3,000 yen now.
(02:00) Girls? Guys? Both? Other?

(02:00) Both

(02:00) No blondes, what else?

She thought again of Getou. Of his eyes, the danger.

(02:02) Someone nice.

Because danger wasn't an option.