CHAPTER 25
One thing after another
Fuckin' situations, circumstances
Miscommunications, and I
Have to say, by the way
I just may like some explanations
~ Taylor Swift, Question…?
HPOV
IF I CAN'T HAVE LOVE, I WANT POWER | The New Generation
"I have the sustenance!" Alec boomed, not bothering to knock on his cousins door before barreling in with bags upon bags of food in his arms.
Delilah Whitlock's penthouse apartment was on the top floor of one of her uncles many establishments. Half of the documentary crew were housed in the floors beneath her. Her apartment had the floor to ceiling window views of the city and every amenity a girl in her twenties and living alone could desire.
The entire younger generation of Cullen's and Whitlock's crowded her living room tonight, significant others included. She had made me promise to keep it a secret. Apparently invitations to this were hard to come by and all parties were sworn to secrecy.
It had been a rather ominous front to an event that couldn't have been more easygoing.
I had been the first to arrive, remarkably overdressed in my jeans and t-shirt when Delilah opened the door wearing a well-preserved reputation Stadium Tour crop top and sweatpants.
The only stipulation to my invitation was that there were no cameras. Not tonight. Maybe next time, she said when I hesitated.
Maggie showed up right behind me, her husband smiling softly beside her, and the rest of them trickled in after that. No one looked surprised to see me, all of them in equally comfortable clothing.
All of them wearing at least one piece of merchandise for none other than Bella. There were snakes galore and tour crew shirts and merchandise that had to have been from decades ago. Or remade just because they wanted it.
It could have been tacky or cringy or fake, but each person showed up with genuine excitement and some kind of snack. I made a mental note for next time, if my invitation stood.
"What…" I cleared my throat, all of them turning toward me. A few with surprise as if they hadn't realized I was here. "What are you guys doing?"
Delilah clapped her hands, unable to contain her excitement. "Listening party!"
My head cocked to the side but I followed everyone's lead and grabbed a glass of whatever Alec was happily passing around and followed them to the spacious living room. I sat on a loveseat beside Delilah as she pulled her legs up underneath her and grabbed her phone.
"None of you have heard it?" I asked, realizing what it was they were so excited to listen to.
folklore's soundtrack would be released in… seven minutes.
"Nope," Maggie answered with a pop of her lips. She was nearly vibrating with excitement as she sat beside her husband. Even Connor, who seemed the most hesitant member of the family, seemed unable to hide his excitement.
"She would happily play it for us if we asked," Jared added.
"She thinks we don't care," Alec finished.
"Not in a bad way. Just in the same way our parents don't really get it. Get her," Maggie amended.
Delilah sat up. "Our family is close. Stupidly close. But I don't think anyone besides Uncle Edward really grasps who Bella is. What she does."
"Mom and Dad and Aunt Alice and Uncle Jasper love her. Would do anything for her. But I feel like they're desensitized to it. Or never understood it in the first place."
"I mean, Mom and Aunt Rose are still friends with all of those women who constantly talk shit about Bella. They don't talk about her and always shut it down, but it just shows that they don't get it."
"Get what?" I asked.
"How fucking monumental Ma is," Aiden said.
The room got quiet for a moment and I looked around at the new generation of Cullen's. Understood the multitude of ways Aidens statement could be taken.
On a personal level, Bella changed the trajectory of the Cullen family.
The Cullen history… it wasn't the main topic of our documentary. It was about Bella, and I had been given very strict instructions about the line being drawn at her husbands endeavors. But I had taken it upon myself to do a little research. In my downtime.
The Cullen family had been built on strict rules and arranged marriages and stifling parents. Edward should have been in the process of marrying someone of equal social standing when he met Bella, but from then on out the foundation of Chicago's most notorious crime family changed.
These kids knew it. Knew what their life could have turned into. They didn't bother with designer clothing twenty-four-seven and they weren't afraid to step outside of the boxes carefully drawn for them the moment they were born. Quite the change from a few of their predecessors, change they evidently realized started with Bella and Edward.
But they also saw Bella in a professional level that they knew their own parents didn't see. They saw the awards for what they were and not just a decoration. They understood every record broken wasn't just a given.
"She would play us her new stuff early if we asked," Jared repeated. "But she would get all flustered and surprised that we asked."
"Besides," Delilah smiled. "Our listening parties are legendary."
I knew without asking why I had been invited.
It couldn't have been easy. Knowing Bella so personally and listening to the shit constantly said about her. Claims made about her, digs made and stories told.
They wanted me to know. That they knew her and appreciated her. And maybe wanted the world to know the same.
An alarm beeped from Delilah's phone and she barely repressed a squeal as she hit a few buttons before straightening up.
"Okay okay okay," she mumbled, another squeal sneaking out. "Twenty-eight songs. Shit. Shit."
"Tracklist," Maggie demanded, a serious set to her brows.
"Okay it's broken up into two acts. Act I: the 1, mirrorball, 'tis the damn season, cardigan, gold rush, illicit affairs, august, this is me trying, tolerate it, hoax, exile - featuring Peter Clark, my tears ricochet, ivy, happiness, and right where you left me. Act II: champagne problems, the last great American dynasty, closure, it's time to go, the lakes, willow, evermore - featuring Peter Clark, invisible string, peace, long story short, cowboy like me, mad woman, no body, no crime, and Carolina."
"Oh, dibs on mad woman. That song is mine," Maggie said quickly.
Her twin chuckled. "Dibs on cowboy like me. I cannot think of anyone in the world less cowboy than Bella but I'm fucking here for it."
"We don't have time for this. We're starting," Delilah said quickly, pressing her phone one more time before a soft piano filled the room.
It was almost comical, the way they all gasped. Their reactions were endearing and honest, their discussions after each song five times longer than the song itself.
They braced themselves after hearing the first line of the 1. They all seemed to realize Bella was holding nothing back, their eyes widening and hearts breaking at the line you drew stars around my scars but now I'm bleeding. I watched a few of them hastily brush away tears as the album came to a heartbreaking climax with lines like, you knew the hero died so what's the movie for? You knew it still hurts underneath my scars from where they pulled me apart, and you know I didn't want to have to haunt you but what a ghostly scene. You wear the same jewels that I gave you as you bury me.
Aiden visibly flinched at the line, "She would've made such a lovely bride, what a shame she's fucked in the head," they said, and it took every ounce of self restraint I had not to ask him about it.
Eventually the soundtrack morphed into something a little lighter. More hopeful as they smiled through lines like There goes the loudest woman this town has ever seen, I had a marvelous time ruining everything, and long story short it was a bad time… long story short I survived.
Things really went off the rails by the time we got to the song Jared had called "dibs" on earlier as a quiet but prominent backing vocal was immediately picked up by Maggie.
"Oh, my god," she gasped, fumbling with her phone. She was the one in charge of having lyrics ready to analyze and song credits ready to recite. "Written and be formed by Isabella Cullen —"
"We'll, obviously," her twin interrupted.
"And Edward Cullen."
"No fucking way," Aiden gasped. "Jesus. If anyone could get him to do it, it's Ma."
"It's sweet," Delilah sighed happily. "It's probably the happiest song on the album. It's cute she wanted him on it. And he has a good voice."
They all sat up straighter, eyes lighting up at the first verse of mad woman. What did you think I'd say to that? Does a scorpion sting when fighting back? They shrink to kill, and you know I will. What do you sing on your drive home? Do you see my face in the neighbors lawn? Does she smile? Or does she mouth, "Fuck you forever"?
"Okay," Alec smiled. "She's back."
She's back, I thought to myself. They saw it instantly, realized the shift from the mournful ballads of the album and saw the slow shift that had been building. From despair to imminent revenge.
They were all silent as the last lines from the closing song settled around us. Oh, Carolina knows why for years they've said that I was guilty as sin and sleep in a liars bed. But the sleep comes fast and I'll meet no ghosts. It's between me, the sand and the sea. Carolina knows.
Jared was the first to speak, coughing out a loud laugh. "Only fucking Bella would end on that. Jesus Christ," he laughed, the others joining in.
I had to agree with him.
It could hardly be considered a Bella album if she didn't allude to committing murder at some point.
–Love|Power–
The next week I was in the same spot at the same time. This time, however, I had been told I could bring a camera.
I got some B-roll of their listening, but kept the intrusion limited. After last week, I knew what a big deal these moments were for them. I didn't want to intrude too much.
Some reactions were too good to resist, though.
The audible gasps throughout the brutality of Whispers. The ten minute speech Maggie gave on just how meaningful the line I am disruptive, I've been corrupted, and by now I don't need a fuckin' introduction deserved to be documented. Their reaction to learning that the song honey had been written entirely by Edward was hilarious. Until every single face was red.
They listened to Experiment On Me with excited gleams in their eyes and analyzed every verse of Die 4 Me word for word. They unanimously bet on I am not a woman, I'm a god winning an Academy Award for Original Song.
I talked to everyone once they were done. Delilah credited her aunt, an namesake, for her choice of profession. She loved dance and connected with her aunt on a multitude of levels, understanding more than the others just how monumental her tour was and cherished every moment she got to share the stage with her. Jared told me if it weren't for some tough love from Bella he probably would have ended up on a much darker path. He had a troubled childhood and had been arrested a few times as a teenager and was brutally honest when he said if Bella hadn't admitted to him just how horrible it was to be locked up, he probably would have stayed on that path. Alec knew his aunt was the reason his own parents didn't pressure him into an arranged marriage or bury him underneath unrealistic expectations. Maggie had struggled with anxiety and panic attacks her whole life and turned towards Bella's music for comfort before she ended up being adopted by Alice and Jasper. And had since connected with her on a personal level over their own respective troubles ever since. Her husband sat beside her with a gentle smile and a hand on her leg and said that while he preferred a more private approach to his life he saw it all, too. The effect Bella had on his wife and the world, and appreciated that she helped so many people. Adeline admitted to being skeptical of her now mother-in-law in the beginning but was a fierce defender of her now.
Aiden sat across from me now. Sitting silent and stoic with a frown that matched the one I had seen on his fathers face time and time again.
"You don't have to do this, you know. I was actually given very explicit instructions that you were off limits."
Aiden sighed, shaking his head, his eyes tightening against whatever emotions were threatening him. Ferocity flailed behind his eyes as he met my gaze. "She's my mom," he said quietly. "And she—she didn't just half-ass the mother thing. She could have had me raised by nannies or shipped me off to daycare every day but she did everything for me. She's always been there for me, no matter what. She has gone above and beyond what most mothers do for their kids."
His voice tightened, throat constricting with emotion I knew better than to ask about. "She did all of that for me without having a single positive parental figure in her own life. Her parents were shit. Biological, adoptive, none of them ever cared enough to put her first. It would have been so easy for her to have that same mentality, to assume that's how parenting worked. But she… I could call her right now. It's two in the morning and if I called her right now and said I needed to talk she would be here within minutes. I could call her and tell her El had a nightmare and was asking for her and she'd be here instantly.
"So it—it's just so fucked up that she never got someone like that. Parent wise. My father would do absolutely anything for her. But it's different, having a parent on your side. And Lawrence—he was the closest she had to that."
Aiden was an interesting mix of his parents. Where he started out cold and hesitant, much like his father any time I tried to interview him, he eventually morphed into his mother. Open and brutally honest.
"I don't think anyone—myself included—can really understand how devastating it is for her. I…I've never seen her cry. In her films, sure, but never her. In my whole life. But I went over to the house a few weeks after all of this shit started, just to see how she was. I saw her and Dad just standing in the middle of the living room and he held her while she sobbed into his chest."
The room went silent. Aiden stared off into the corner, reliving the moment or maybe regretting sharing it. Either way, eventually he straightened up, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.
"Shit, you never even asked a question," he breathed out with a small laugh.
I gave him a shrug. "Some people don't need much prodding. Your Mom doesn't."
"My Dad?"
I coughed out a laugh. "It's like pulling teeth."
–Love|Power–
It was the same the next week. Almost.
They all gathered to listen to Midnights, as soon as it was released. Their reactions were just and entertaining and endearing. They discussed every line of Anti-Hero in depth, Adeline admitting that Bella called her weeks ago to tell her she didn't actually think she wanted to kill her and to make sure she was okay with the playful line. The entire room went silent as the brutally honest bridge of You're On Your Own, Kid played through the speakers. Their faces at the first line of Vigilante Shit were priceless and I was endlessly glad I had been allowed to bring two cameras this time for an extra angle.
Instead of calming down after the album was finished, there was an extra undercurrent of excitement thrumming through them. Then we wandered out into the still slightly muggy Chicago summer heat and I followed the group down the city street until we ended up outside a tattoo parlor.
"You know," a smooth voice sounded from the waiting sleek black SUV on the street. "If you're going to ask me to meet you at a tattoo parlor in the middle of the night, you could at least be on time."
Bella slid out of the car, four men instantly flanking her.
"Sorry," Delilah sighed. "We had a lot to discuss."
Bella smiled over at them all, eyes twinkling. "Did you like it?"
"Loved," Maggie said wistfully.
"You guys ready?" a heavily tattooed man leaned in the doorway of the parlor.
"Hell yeah," Alec said, clapping his hands together and turning to follow the tattooist.
"Ready for what?" Bella asked, following the group into the parlor.
It wasn't your run-of-the-mill grungy tattoo parlor. It was all bright whites and stark blacks, crisp lines and clean stations.
"We're all getting tattoos," Delilah said with a casual shrug.
Bella's head cocked to the side, eyes catching me as if I had an answer. I held my hands up, just as clueless as her.
"Of what?"
Maggie smiled, holding out a pen and paper to her aunt. "Lyrics. We were hoping you'd write them for us."
Bella frowned down at the paper for a solid thirty seconds before her eyes widened and she looked around at the group again. "You guys don't–"
"You cannot say you're opposed to tattoos," Aiden argued, eying the copious amount his mother had littering her arms.
"I'm not. But if you guys are doing this for me or–"
"We're doing it because your music has been the soundtrack to our lives," Delilah said sincerely. Her eyes met Bella's, an unspoken conversation happening between the two.
A soft smirk settled on Bella's face. "You're all getting one of my lyrics tattooed?"
Everyone nodded.
"Will you guys choose one for me?"
Every face in front of her lit up.
"You write those out, we'll work on it!" Maggie squealed, grabbing Delilah and Adeline's arms and tugging them to a hidden corner of the parlor.
By the end of the night, the whole lot of them had fresh ink in their skin.
Maggie had a line from Drive on her ribcage; All we do is think about the feelings that we hide.
Jared had one from the 1 on his inner bicep; if you never bleed you're never gonna grow.
Alec changed his decision last minute, adding it to a section of a few other miscellaneous tattoos he had on his back. He chose a line from Vigilante Shit; don't get sad, get even.
Delilah was all smiles as she stared at the delicate writing now inked down her forearm from Daylight; step into the daylight and let it go.
Adeline had hers nestled in the crook of her elbow, a line from august; to live for the hope of it all.
Aiden had his in the same spot as his wifes, though his was from a song his mother had supposedly written for him, Clean; finally clean.
Bella had Aiden write hers. It was a small, delicate line of ink that ran across her collarbone from her neck to shoulder. A line from Long Live; long live all the magic we made.
I would have regretted it my entire life if I hadn't joined in. By the time I got in bed that night–or the next morning–I was smiling down at the small line of text across my wrist that read the name of our documentary, If I Can't Have Love, I Want Power.
A/N: Lyrics are from the following songs, in order of appearance: cardigan, hoax, my tears ricochet, champagne problems, the last great american dynasty, long story short, cowboy like me, mad woman, and Carolina by Taylor Swift. Whispers, lilith, experiment on me, Die 4 Me, i am not a woman I'm a god by Halsey.
I absolutely loved writing this one, so I hope you guys enjoyed it as well. I'll see you next time!