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Little Toy Bikers and a Woman on the Run

Chapter 52 Devastated

When she went to deliver the news about the baby to Jax, she'd been forced to change the words she used for death notifications because only minutes before she used them to break the news about Wendy. She couldn't repeat the words. She hadn't thought through what she was going to say until she said the words.

She tried to soften the news by being vague. At least she'd remembered to make it sound like the baby didn't die due to poor medical care. The baby received the best care St. Thomas could provide. Probably.

Could another hospital have provided better care that could have saved Wendy, the baby or both? That was what had Tara second guessing every decision the medical team made. Would the baby have lived if they had delivered the baby as soon as Wendy got to the hospital? There were still so many unknowns about which drugs crossed from the mother to the baby and the effects on the fetus.

In the end, she wasn't the one that made the final decisions that led to the death of Wendy and her baby. Dr. Schmidt made the decisions on Wendy's care and Dr. Namid had made the decisions for the baby.

Dr. Namid had an excellent reputation, but she was beginning to question his current skill level. Reputations were about the past. His current skill level hadn't impressed her. Maybe he had peaked and his skills were declining.

She knew why Dr. Namid sent her out to break the news. Studies have shown that if a person liked his or her doctor, the chances of being sued for malpractice declined dramatically. He never said it, but she had the feeling that was why he told her to break the news. He knew about her prior relationship with Jax. She disclosed it before she began assisting him that night.

There was something about being around Jax that was bringing the worst out in her. She felt like she was high school Tara again and high school Tara was a disaster. She felt insecure, tongue-tied and awkward—just like high school. She thought that version of herself was gone for good. Well, surprise! It wasn't.

Losing the baby was heart-breaking enough, but Tara had no idea how Jax was going to take this next bit of news. Maybe she should have told him this part first. Maybe she shouldn't tell him this part at all. She wished she'd gone into medical research so she didn't have to face these dilemmas.

Tara knew that whatever she did was going to be wrong. Sometimes in life there are no right answers. This was the problem she was facing. It was what she hated most about life—sometimes there are no right answers or good choices.

If she hadn't been working that shift, she would never have learned what she was about to tell Jax. She wasn't sure if what she was about to do would help or hurt Jax. She wasn't even sure if she should tell him.

She believed deep down in her heart that Jax had a right to the information she was going to tell him. If she hadn't known Jax and had a past with him, she thought she would make the same decision. She had tried to subtract out her feelings for Jax from the decision, but she couldn't do that because she still didn't know how she felt about him.

Her feelings for Jax might not matter. After all the bad news she'd given him, she wondered if he would ever want to see her again. The bad news wasn't her fault, but this private bit of news was different.

She had had to practically drag him into the little room of bad news and death as it was known to hospital staff. It was supposed to help give recipients of bad news greater dignity. She thought it might have more to do with not wanting people to know how many patients didn't make it out of St. Thomas alive.

Tara wished she could comfort Jax by wrapping her arms around him. Of course, she couldn't do that. She had to be professional. In moments like these, she felt like a fraud.

Medical school seemed like a lifetime ago. She'd forgotten so many things including the number of deaths she'd witnessed and the number of bodies she'd help carve up when she was learning anatomy.

"Take a seat for a moment," Tara said to Jax. She was using the medical voice she used for work. It was calm, cool and professional.

She closed the door behind them. This information was for Jax. What he chose to do with it was up to him. She didn't want to think about what Gemma's reaction could be to what she was about to tell Jax. She was certain Gemma would blurt out something hurtful.

"Look, Tara, just tell me whatever it is you need to tell me," Jax said impatiently.

"Just sit down and give me a moment."

Jax looked beaten up. She'd seen him beaten up. The only difference this time was the bruises and cuts were on the inside.

He shook his head and finally sat down. Tara took the chair next to him.

"There is no easy way to say this . . ." Tara began.

"Just tell me whatever the hell you have to tell me," Jax said.

"OK," Tara said. "The baby wasn't yours."