I wanted to kiss him again.

I wouldn't, of course.

But, god, did I want to.

It was more than a pull or a desire. It was a need that blew past my common sense and seduced my grasp on reality.

I took this moment to look him over, a large part of me double checking that he was still unharmed. He'd cleaned up from the mission and traded his gothic victorian style out for a more relaxed, yet still formal, modern look. Modern as in he belonged on the cover of one of Heidi's magazines, his clothes no doubt had the label of some renowned fashion designer. For vampires, they all cared quite a bit about the quality of their fashion choices. Still, I had to admit, modern wear suited him almost as well as his historically accurate, every day style.

I would have never known he'd almost been killed only hours ago.

I hadn't realized I was staring until he caught me, tearing himself from his own thoughts and sending mine into a flurry. His eyes were the only warning that he was not as he seemed and yet I could spend the rest of my life just inspecting them. I would count every speck and memorise each shade if it were possible. The emotion that seeped so clearly into his irises made everything seem clear, as his thoughts paraded in a mess of sentiment.

Normally, he'd have called me on such unabashed gawking, teased me about my focus levels or simply sending me a wink. But he'd moved on by the time I came to.

"This is new?" He was holding up the notebook that had newly entered my possession. He didn't open it, but flipped it over to examine the outside for clues to his question.

Often an ear for me to vent about my father, I didn't hesitate to fill Alec in. "The case agent's notes on my dad. Aro gave it to me." He didn't ask how Aro had acquired such a personal item, and his indifference to this factor had my curiosity fading as well. A product of my situation, I suppose.

He continued, "Have you read it, yet?"

I waved at the item off-handedly, as if the book wasn't calling out to me as we spoke. "Not really, no."

The motion drew Alec's attention to my injured hand and with a zip of air, he was standing in front of me. He reached for it before pausing, as if terrified to touch me after the last time he'd been this close.

His eyes met mine and his voice came out in an unnecessary whisper, "may I?"

I nodded, somehow still caught off-guard by the quick movements of vampires. Alec cautiously picked up my hand and placed it between his. It was different than when Aro or Prosper had done the same. As if awakening to the return of his missing touch, sparklers flashed throughout my arm and around my chest. Alec's eyes returned to mine, worried as he felt my heart rate pick up speed, but when he saw nothing was wrong, he smirked.

What a prick.

I took my hand away from his. "It's fine."

"You should be more careful."

"You should be nicer."

He rolled his eyes. "Maybe if you did not throw candlesticks at me."

"It didn't even hit you!"

"Yes," he admitted with a devilish grin. "But you did."

I frowned harshly, moving to shove a finger in his chest and tell him off when it struck me that we stood way too close for a move like that. My lips parted audibly and I became acutely aware of his hand, holding my hand, was the only thing separating us. An electric strike shot through my chest as I attempted to process what was happening. I was very aware that his lips were mere inches from mine, that all I had to do was lean in…but the only coherent, real thought that I could process was how badly I wanted to taste those lips again.

"Saffiya." His breath trickled over the skin of my face like the tiniest ocean wave, with a crash not so widely celebrated as those that were many times its size. Yet, this crash was special, its' wave was ambrosia - something to be cherished, a gift from the gods…

He was smirking and I realized I'd been caught staring at his lips. And that there was no way he was letting this one go. I groaned, using this to put a little more space between us so I could come up with a more reasonable, intelligent thought.

Alec teased me with a light tone, "thinking of me?"

"Absolutely not." I scoffed, as if the merest suggestion was a sensational miscalculation.

"Hmm," he hummed, as if accepting my claim. His actions, however, sought to prove differently.

He moved even closer, his hand coming up to gently place a misplaced curl behind my ear. I looked up at him, confused by the intimacy that for twice, hadn't been provoked by anger. With bright red eyes, he seemed even more emboldened and I bit my lip In humble anticipation.

He leaned closer, watching me for any sign of retreat. But I was still, waiting with bated breath and staring right back into his eyes as his face came within inches of my own. I glanced down at his lips, biting my own in response to the nerves overwhelming my brain.

My eyes fluttered closed as he lingered there, and I could feel his lips, a breath away from my own. A drum beating inside my ribcage with a feverish rhythm was impossible to ignore, stronger even than the butterflies that lied in wait for their moment to arrive. Somehow my hands had found their way to the fabric covering his chest, clutching it between my fingers as if it could bring us closer than we already were. I nearly closed the remaining gap myself, but that was exactly what he wanted and I refused to give in any more than I already had.

Too soon, I sensed his retreat and my eyes fluttered open to find gentle, vibrant orbs of crimson opening as well, finding their way back to me. I held my breath, waiting for him to make the move I so desperately craved.

But I knew better.

My captured senses were struck with a lightning bolt of reality as his thumb moved absentmindedly over my wrist. For whatever reason, it thrust Jane's voice to the forefront of my consciousness, reminding me of more relevant issues at hand than our raging hormones.

And once it had been projected, there was no avoiding it and I couldn't wait. So, kicking myself the entire time, I broke our moment first. "Jane said you were attacked." My voice was brittle and while he seemed to recognize the precarious introduction, a separate barren weight won out.

He sighed, stepping away from me. My hands fell from him in the empty space and I had an urge to wrap them around me to try and regain some of the comfort that he took with him, but I refrained. Alec was looking towards the door, as if sending his sister a frustrated glare through the wood before refocusing.

In a gruff tone, he glowered pitifully at the information his sister had provided me with and turned away. "She should not have burdened you with that."

"What burdens me is not knowing." I frowned, not quite sure where my words came from but failing to find any falsity in them — and I tried.

I expected him to at least look back at me, but instead he dropped onto the edge of my bed and put his face in his hands, as if stressed by the familiar elements of the existing world around us. The move was so distinct, a unique sort of unintentional vulnerability that escaped, not out of a lack of control, but from a place of gloomy solemnity.

I didn't really understand what had happened on the mission, but it was clear to me that he hadn't taken a moment since.

I reasoned that this response came from a recognition of the danger he'd faced. After all, humans lived with the looming possibility of death every day, but vampires maintained a presumption of exemption to it. As jarring as a near death experience could be for humans, it occurred to me that, for vampires, it had the potential to be even worse. Scarier - though none would likely admit it. Alec's reputation and status did not allow for this fear, this acceptance of vulnerability. The fact that nothing had happened did help to maintain that claim. But even vampires could never truly live forever. A very long time, yes. But not forever.

However, as I reflected on this, there was a fear growing inside me that I had to entertain. A fear that Jane was 100% correct — that all the distress he was exhibiting now was because of me, the guilt I'd insisted on and couldn't quite forgive. Did my opinion, our conversations prove as arduous for him to push aside for even a moment, just as they did for me? Did I — Was I doing this to him?

Of course I was. I'd only been told as much a thousand times over and still, contemplating the possibility was an outrageously negligent idea for the reasonable side of my brain.

I couldn't be sure of any of it, but what I did know, was that this would haunt me the next time he left for a mission, maybe even longer. The very thought - the possibility of him being hurt left me breathless. The kind of breathless that makes you feel as if you were drowning, clawing for air. Air that would just barely touch your lungs before you were dragged back under, the air replaced with the tumultuous water that consumed you. And I felt swallowed whole.

Only, here he was. Right in front of me. Safe, unharmed, yet distracted. There was so much we needed to get over, but this was more than that.

Yet, I found myself stepping forward of and placing my hands over his, removing them from his face. I'm sure his brow furrowed and I could see his head tilt to the side, a physical response that he was unaware of and for this reason I'd become quite fond of it. I slowly sat down beside him, placing my arm across his shoulders. He tensed slightly, but didn't look at me. I ran my other hand through his hair and his shoulders visibly relaxed under my touch. My hand came to rest on his opposite cheek and he leaned in to my palm, eyes barely open as if he were falling asleep. I gave a little bit of pressure to pull him into my arms and he forwent his vampiric strength to fall willingly into my hug.

His arms naturally enveloped my waist and I tightened my grip before he had to. His head rested just below my chin and I rested my cheek on his head as he leaned into me, the weight of his body becoming heavier. But I withstood it and held him still, as he had once done for me. It was a simple comfort and the only thing I could offer if he refused to talk about it.

His body was still as he held his breath to withstand our proximity. He'd recently fed by the intense light in his eyes, but I'd only just begun to notice the small precautions and steps he took on a regular basis just to be near me. The only time he seemed to struggle with his control was when he didn't expect it to be challenged, when our interactions became heavily emotional, draining.

I'm not sure how long we stayed there, not moving. With this moment, everything that could have been said didn't need to be heard to be properly conveyed. I absentmindedly picked up his habit of tangling his fingers in my hair, our roles now switched. It always seemed to calm me down when he did it and I hoped the effect would be similar.

We weren't pretending that there were not several unresolved issues that needed to be dealt with before we could move forward. Yet, despite any level of animosity we harboured, there was something that withstood all of the bad. Something steadfast and unyielding. I couldn't deny that this…everything that concerned Alec felt like an extraordinary circumstance. And 'mates' seemed to be the only appropriate definition available.

Eventually, he shifted to look me in the eyes, a hand coming up to warm my cheek. His thumb ran softly across my cheekbone before his hands left my face. I smiled lightly at him, just as he opened his mouth to speak. My smile dropped within seconds.

"Do you truly believe it would be so horrible?" He started and I held my breath as he continued, "to spend forever, with me."

I leaned back a bit to make sure I'd heard him right. "Why would you ask me that?"

"That's not an answer." I gaped at him, but his expression remained unchanged, piercing and challenging whomever dared to meet his eyes. I dared. I always dared. But not this time. His question caught me as off guard as anything he may have said and it pulled me in.

Would it be so wrong? So awful to join Alec in eternity? Forever to play chess with Jane, to pull the ultimate tricks on the Wonder Boys, and receive cryptic advice from Marcus that was somehow always relevant. Why couldn't I spend forever in Alec's arms? Figuring out all of the ways to make him smile and the things that made him laugh. The simple things, the little details that you knew by heart once you really knew someone. I did worry that if we had forever, would we fight like wolves for forever? I forced myself to consider that maybe we wouldn't fight like wild animals if I'd just let him in, if I stopped being so damn stubborn and stopped questioning everything. Because this possibility of a life with him — the idea was peaceful. Blissful. Too good to be true.

He looked ready to pose it again and I cut him off furiously. "Don't ask me that." I pushed away from him, as if five steps would stop him from pushing the conversation.

"You resent me so intensely?"

"Stop it."

"Do you?"

"Yes." I said forcefully, cutting the repetitive track we often lost ourselves in. His shoulders drew back, keeping his strong stance but backing off. I repeated myself, the word hissing through my teeth as I glared at his empty face. "Yes." No.

"Why?" He demanded and I could have screamed.

But I didn't. I stopped and took a deep breath, which confused him. I'd never taken a breath in our arguments and I didn't usually pause. I'd never been able to. Perhaps it was because it was his turn to be irrational. His turn to have a normal response to nearly dying. His turn to pick a fight with me. Still, I could feel the pickup of crashing waves in my chest, just waiting to let loose.

Alec glared at me, his eyes still bright, under control. "Tell me."

Fine. "When you're gone." I started strong, but faltered when I realized I didn't know what to say yet. I tried again. "I stare at the door just waiting - I cannot think when I'm around you…" His eyebrows seemed concerned and the corners of his mouth tilted down, conflicted and unsure of where I was heading with this. And even I didn't know, so I stepped away from him again, hoping I would be able to organize my thoughts before they started streaming themselves through my mouth again.

I shook my head in disbelief of myself, admitting, "you own me! — I can't breathe for anything but you." I couldn't stop trying to explain something…anything… and the more I tried the more difficult it became. "There's something rabid that infects me when you're involved and I don't know why. It's—"

"It is as if you are consumed." He finished for me and I stopped, startled as he brought me out of my head. I could hardly fathom how he found the words I needed when I could barely come up with a single coherent comparison.

An uneasy feeling settled in my stomach. "How did you—"

"Because I am consumed by you."

My chest tightened, my breathing deliberate and directed to expand in my chest. I felt no butterflies, no bothersome electricity running through my system, and my heart, was silent. All I could do was stare blankly back at him, even knowing how much his words meant and the implications of this discovery. The world stood still, as if in all of its existence prior to this moment it had moved from side to side, a constant rumble of an earthquake counterbalancing as we rotated around the sun. Of course, the world had not stopped, nor was the entire planet ever impacted by a single earthquake. It was unreasonable, improbable…

And yet it still seemed more likely then the situation I found myself in.

"I believed it to be the bloodlust at first, but then it became clear that you were also experiencing an increased emotional instability."

I tried to decide whether or not I should be offended by the comment, but I couldn't deny that it was well-beyond accurate. Then I realized, 'also'. As in he was also under the influence of electric, emotional storms. And if I had been uncharacteristically unreasonable, I could only imagine how Alec had fared. These emotions had turned me aggressive, practically violent — and that was without a bloodlust.

As if he were reading my thoughts, Alec nodded. "It was not without difficulty. There were times…" Specifying, "if not for Jane…" and he paused, but I knew. Because while I hadn't put much weight on it, Jane had made a point to, as if the possibility terrified her more than it should have for me.

I flipped through the rest of my memories, pieces of a puzzle I hadn't bothered to put together began to slide into place around this new understanding. Though I could only spot so many before realising that there was still far more pieces to go before these could be secured. There was no telling way to know yet, what the puzzle could become. But I could see the difference in Alec's control over time, especially when compared to mine. While he learned to attempt to focus his distress, the emotions in me raged on like wildfire.

"Carlisle suggested I speak with his son—"

"Edward?"

He nodded. "He had a theory," he stopped of his own accord this time. I was frustrated that he wasn't continuing, finally feeling like I was understanding something about this messed up situation. Whether he was aware or not, Alec changed topics. He spoke as if he'd only just discovered something, with an insistence so full it seeped into his body language. "This. Us. This is real." He had taken my previous words as confession, acceptance of our situation and of him. I felt like I'd swallowed him up in a desert and given him a lovely mirage, only to snatch it from him the second he let himself believe it. Because I may have given a confession, but it was not the one he wished it to be and he was trying to make it so. He saw me recognizing his attempt, but he tried to convince himself otherwise. "You must see it?"

"Don't," I swallowed, trying and failing to bring him back without damaging the situation even more. "Not now…" I pleaded. Everything in me saw a brighter world where he was concerned and still, I denied him. I was hurting him, and I hated myself for it but I couldn't stop. Even here, even now, when I was as curious as I was uninformed and Alec was offering the answers to questions I hadn't even considered. As stressed as this all made me, I could see that his patience was thinning at twice the rate, through no fault of his own.

I was trying to come to terms with a world of the supernatural, where vampires were real and soulmates were unquestionable. I wanted to know his world, if not for my own survival, but for him. Yet, every time we tried to move past these concerns that engulfed our lives, he always pushed just a little too far. A little too serious. He wanted so badly for me to understand, that he forgot I was still human. Alec meant more to me than I even knew, but his naivety and genuine declarations became far too real, scaring the progress we'd made two steps back.

"Then when?" The guttural response was sharp, more injured than attacking but I still jumped.

Neither of us were at fault, both victims of what could have been a beautiful love story. But was instead turned into a story of unchartered waters and even the storyteller had lost control of the origin. We were left to tell our own story, because none of this was going away. All we had was the other and we could run all the circles we wanted, but we had to finish the story. Of this, we had no choice.

I wasn't exactly pleased with being questioned on something I couldn't really answer, so I didn't stop myself from snapping back at him. "When I know everything you know."

His face fell, realising how close we were to loosening the foundation on which our armistice had found its footing. How susceptible it was to one mistake made by either of us. "There are many things I wish to share with you, Saffiya—"

A loud double knock came from the wooden doors, pulling us out of our own little world. Neither of us acknowledged it and the owner pursued no further attempt to gain our attention.

Alec moved away from me. "On the train." He said, but his voice went up and I realized it was more of a question than a statement. He was asking for my agreement and the hope in his eyes made me a tiny bit nauseous. I nodded and in seconds, he was across the room, waiting to hold the door open. As stressful as this all was, a weight lifted, ridding the air around us of a toxic negativity that had been enveloping us both.

There was an anger-less animosity between us, an old wound eager to heel but unsure of how to begin. Jane's words came whispering back to me. While you are away, you must push your pride aside. She was right. Neither of us would survive a tense, distressed, atmosphere building up in isolation if we couldn't at least talk. The least I could do was try, and hopefully come out on the better side.

I stayed in my spot on the carpet, folding my arms over my chest and attempting to hide a small smile I could feel on my lips. I tried to hide it under a serious tone, "you owe Prosper an apology." Alec's held tilted at the sudden demand and the look on his face sent a wave of giddiness through me as I waited to see how he would respond to the purposefully provoking suggestion. He seemed to have been doing a similar evaluation of me, relieved that I wasn't upset with him this time. And based on his reaction, we could find ourselves grateful that we'd established a truce, or rather a pause, on our disagreements. We could just…be.

He picked up on my impishness. As I expected, he gave an overdramatic eye roll and pushed the door open. "He'll get over it."

I joined him at the entry, suggesting again, "you should still apologise."

"Maybe he should apologise to me."

"He probably will." I commented mischievously. To bug him even more, I added, "Prosper's nice." He scowled at the reference to our earlier conversation and he examined the laughter on my face, a quick smile rising and falling from his face. His silence caught my attention and we paused in the corridor at the same time, both waiting until he gathered enough courage to say what he said next.

Solemnly, "I am not asking you to love me. I only…" Alec stopped, because that was exactly what he wanted. It was what he had expected and what was automatically implied by the connection itself. A grimace appeared on his face and he realized I was likely expecting more. But just as I had earlier, he struggled to find the words.

I reached for his hand, interlocking our fingers and tilting my head up. He lifted his head as I did so, confusion flooding his face as I reached up, brushing my hand through his hair to move it off his face.

His eyes followed me carefully and I glanced to them, then to his lips and back. My hand returned down to his chest. I let my eyes flutter closed as I pressed my lips to his cheek, just to the side of his chin. Alec went still, finally remembering to hold his breath as I got close to him again. After a moment, I lowered myself back onto my heels and stepped away, giving a small tug on his hand.

Alec's eyes blinked open and I gave him another, soft, hesitant smile. "Ready?"

It took him a moment to process, but he squeezed my hand in return.

I broke out into a grin at the gesture and released his hand. "Race you to the car?"

~•~•~•~

A/N: Missed you all!

So, quite a bit in this chapter and yet, not enough? We're getting generally close to the end of Part 1, but we've still a bit to go at the same time.

There are FINALLY some things getting addressed in this chapter that I think a lot of you have been wanting to know. Probably have a few more questions, as is tradition ;) We're gonna have some fun, make sure Alec didn't kill Felix and Demetri, see some old friends/ish — not to mention, the Cullens!

Guys, I will never get tired of reading your reviews. Thank you to literally everyone for all your support. Sometimes, you think of things that I haven't even considered and when you share your reactions, thoughts, and theories — it just makes the story all the more exciting. Plus, it helps me pinpoint what you guys like to see and so that translates into the chapters more than you might think.

Ariel - Yes! To both nicknames and the covers. I will try to get on the covers ASAP. Probably going to be easier to post all three on my Tumblr. Same as my username on here: awriterwithnostory. I'll try to get it up in the next few days.

randomreader0000 - That's such a good point! I always forget that Emmett had two. I LOVE your rambling, never stop. Thank you so much.

Guest (April 15) - I died at your comment, Saffiya definitely needs to learn to keep her mouth shut. Hopefully after this, your hopes will get a little more real ;)

Guest (April 16) - Ohh yes I love Bree's story. The whole clan won't be in the chapter, but I might just think on that. If not for this moment, then maybe for future scenes.

Louise - I'm honestly really happy you didn't know! At one point, there were quite a few people theorising and I thought I'd blown my cover!

To all the comments about Saffiya's reaction to Jane's gift - Exactly! You're all on point with your thinking. Definitely makes the transformation a lot more worrisome - and Alec doesn't even know yet! Not to mention, how the hell did she not know she was faking it? Sounds sus if you ask me.

This chapter was dedicated to a wattpad reader who made some wonderful comments, and one that made me laugh so hard I choked on water. You all leave some really fantastic reviews, so thank you for sharing your time and thoughts :D

Thank you all for sticking with me and with Saffiya and Alec. I know it's hard to stick with a story that isn't posting regularly, so if you're still hanging on, I really appreciate you.

Watching the world go round,

Ro