A/N - Language warning for this chapter

Chapter 10

"Okay, now push against my hand. Gently." Merry watched William's face become tense as he pressed his foot into her palm. "And relax. Great, now we're going to do that nine more times. Make sure to keep the pressure controlled and gentle, right?"

"I don't see how this is going to help my legs heal." Spike grumbled, pressing against her hand again.

"Okay, relax. Who's the physical therapist here? I could explain to you in nauseating detail why this will help, or you can just do the exercises and talk to me about something more interesting. Good, relax."

"Why, what did you want to talk about?" Will sighed. He was pretty sure he already knew.

"Do you really think it's the best thing to be running off to Europe at Buffy's whim? You're not well healed yet, and you have no clue what she's going to run into. Or, run you into, for that matter. Press. Good, relax. What if there's some kind of fight, which is not out of the realm of possibilities when you're dealing with Slayers. What if…"

"What if there is a big fight? I'd rather be there wielding a sword from my wheelchair than stuck here biting my nails wondering how Buffy and Red are managing. Also, Penny'll be there with us, I trust her to watch my girl's back if I can't."

Merry sighed. "You're tense and pressing too hard. Take a deep breath and try again." She shook her head. "Okay, so there's something like a plan for if a fight breaks out. What if you argue? What if she takes you for granted?"

Spike arched his eyebrow. "Then we talk about it like adults. If that doesn't work, she talks to the wicca and I talk to Tommy, then we try again. If that doesn't work, I take my brand-new identity and shiny unstamped passport and come back here to figure out what comes next."

"Really?" Merry looked relieved at that.

Spike shook his head, trying to keep half a mind on his exercises as he thought about what to tell her. "You have to understand, though, that 'what comes next' may very well be us hate-fucking one another for a bit until we sort it out."

Meredith blanched and dropped his foot. Spike winced as it hit the table he was seated on. "Okay, that doesn't sound healthy. And, also I probably didn't need to know that, William."

He shrugged. "You stuck your crooked little nose into my life, Merry-girl, now you deal with the consequences. Until Buffy and I decide we can't make it work, we're both trying. We promised one another that we try. So, I'm not just giving her my bollocks and making like a whipped puppy, but I'm not kicking her out of my life for one mistake."

She took a deep breath and reached for his foot again. "Alright, let's finish the exercises. Press again, gently."

Will pressed, studying her face and wondering what she was thinking. They finished all ten presses on that leg and started the other before she resumed the conversation.

"The thing you must understand, William, is that this whole Slayer's-mate thing…It's a lot to deal with. Relax. It feels like the universe is putting pressure on you, knowing that you're being pushed through your life towards someone. The only way some of us cope is by focusing on the idea that we get a choice. Not so hard, try again. There's a lot riding on who Buffy mates with, from a morale standpoint. All the women who never thought they'd be in this position are going to be looking to her to see if she's happy; if she really got to choose, or if Sineya just dumped the best bloodline she could find into Buffy's lap because she's the Alpha, you know? Good, relax." Merry frowned. "I don't want you getting blamed if she's not happy, or making yourself miserable to please her. You're a good guy. If it's not working, then get out. Don't beat yourself against an unbeatable wall, you know? If you're making one another miserable, then maybe it's a sign that this isn't the right choice for you. For either of you."

He took a deep breath, because it wasn't like he didn't have his own fears and concerns, but Merry's seemed very specific. Too specific. "And what makes you think we're going to make one another miserable, pet?"

She sighed, "Press. Laurie kind of…Connected to Buffy, when she did the spell to wake you up. Relax. She didn't want to talk to Jezz, because she thought she'd freak her mum out, you know? So, she talked to me about it." Merry chuckled. "I don't know why, they all say I'm a bloody loud-mouth. But then, I think maybe she knew I'd talk to you." She raised her eyes to his face. "William…If even a little bit of what Laurie saw between the two of you actually happened, then I don't see how you could go back to her. It worries me."

"Merry-girl, unless you had all the context, you couldn't know what was going on between us." Will's voice was surprisingly stern.

Merry blinked at him, puzzled. "Did she beat you unconscious, outdoors, when you were a vampire, and just leave you there?"

Spike blanched. "Oh, well, yes. But, as I said, context."

She frowned. "What kind of context could possibly make that understandable?"

Will shifted uncomfortably. "We were both doing bad things to one another, then. Self-destructive, hitting instead of talking, saying all the wrong things when we did talk." He took a deep breath. "She thought she'd accidentally killed someone. And I tried to prevent her from dealing with it, from trying to turn herself in. Tried to hide the evidence and all that. She was trying to learn how to do right again, and I got in the way. Didn't really understand how going to the cops could have been right. Do now."

"Sounds like you've both been doing a lot of trying already." Merry muttered.

"Oi, non'a that, now. We were both damaged, me with no conscience, her trying to adjust to being torn out of heaven. Damaged people damage others. We're both healthier, now. And we can get healthier together, working through all that."

Merry's eyebrows rose at this proclamation. "Damaged people damage others? How much daytime TV do you watch?"

"Too much." Will gave a bleak chuckle. "Thing is, they're a hundred percent right about stuff like that." He took a deep breath. "Listen. I appreciate the concern, I really do. Not used to people being concerned about me that way. 'S been a while. But don't ever try to warn me off Buffy again. I wouldn't take it from her sister, her watcher, or her ex. I'm definitely not going to take it from someone who barely knows either of us. No matter how much mystical Slayer mumbo-jumbo is going on."

She winced. "Press again. I'm sorry, but I care about what happens to you. I'm not going to let you get hurt because you're not used to being human and you don't understand what a good relationship should be like. Press. Good, relax."

He snorted. "The plan is not to get hurt anymore or hurt one another. Although, life is pain; and people fight no matter how good their intentions, so I don't imagine it's ever going to be all sunshine and puppies between us. And, I've been in a good relationship, thanks ever-so. Even with Buffy now, it's better. You can't persecute the poor girl for what happened when she was that out of it. She was bloody well numb to every emotion but anger, with occasional flashes of lust and bitterness. I chose to pursue a relationship with her then, knowing that. I thought it was the only chance I'd get. Also, in case you'd forgotten, I'm not human. Never was, never will be."

"Sineyan, then. Same diff." Merry shrugged. "And a relationship a hundred years ago? I don't think that's really prepared you for a relationship today."

"Oh, good Lord, woman!" Spike finally lost the patience he'd been trying desperately to hold onto. "I've tried nicely to tell you to bugger-off, and you're obviously not getting it. Bugger the hell off!"

Merry blinked at him owlishly, and he remembered how uneasy she'd been the night they met, eyes focused on the vampire, constantly on guard in case she'd needed a stake. How that tense guardedness had faded over the last few weeks. After what felt like minutes, Merry finally sighed. "Press."

He pressed his foot into her palm.

"Release. Good." She sighed again and met his gaze. "Do what you have to do, right? Just don't forget you've got friends. And, I'll stop talking about it now."

Spike nodded, because he wasn't sure what else to say. At least she'd respected his wishes.

"So, what'd you think of that White Stripes album I recommended?"

Buffy tried to focus on the paperback she'd bought at the airport, but couldn't make her brain absorb the words. At least she'd finished her reports and gotten the Slayers headed for Cleveland on their flight before she'd spoken to Giles. She shivered, thinking of Giles again, of the way his voice had changed mid-sentence; first annoyed, then soothing, then patronizing. She hoped it wouldn't be too hard for her and Willow to figure out what was wrong, and that they could fix it. She didn't know what she'd do if they couldn't fix it. If it was just his health…Buffy took a deep breath, trying to stay calm.

Since the book wasn't holding her attention, Buffy turned to Andrew. At first glance it seemed like he was actually managing to focus on work, but after she watched him type half a sentence and immediately delete it four times, Buffy figured he wasn't doing any better than she was. "Hey, Andrew?" Buffy muttered, trying not to disturb the passengers in the seats around them. "Can I ask you about something?"

"Umm, yeah…Sure, Buffy." Andrew turned towards her, his cheeks turning pink. Buffy wondered what he thought she was going to ask. You never knew, with Andrew.

"So, when you saw Spike in LA." He tensed up. "I was wondering what he told you, that made you agree not to say anything to me. You knew how sad I was, and I thought you were pretty supportive of us, you know, being an us. He's an insecure, overly-noble bonehead, and I'd have thought you'd tell me no matter what he said. But, you didn't. Which makes me think he said something pretty special. Or, was it just the guy-code?"

Andrew shifted in his seat, looking antsy, but when she met his eyes he seemed resolved. "Well, it's like this." Andrew took a deep breath. "He told me that he missed everyone, but that he didn't think it was healthy to insert himself back into your life; that he'd had his sendoff, and that was how he wanted you to remember him, as a hero. And, if that'd been all he'd said, I would've been at your door the next day regardless of Mr. Giles.

"But, then he told me about how he'd spent his whole life and unlife at the whims of others. He'd cared for people, and taken orders, and made himself of service. But, when he appeared in LA non-corporeal and unable to leave, unable to contribute, he had a lot of time to think about who he was and what he wanted. He'd realized that when he wasn't at someone's beck and call, he didn't have much going on. He wanted to take some time to figure out who he was on his own, since he couldn't go to you. He thought it would be better for you if he knew what he wanted to do and who he wanted to be before he approached you. Not to mention better for him. And, I think he was right. He made some friends of his own, he's gotten close with Willow, and it seems like you're happy about all of that. So, that's gotta be good, right?"

Buffy was unprepared for how Andrew's rant affected her. She didn't expect to get teary eyed over the idea of Spike wanting to learn who he was alone. She remembered her journey through the Immortal's portal, all the moments in William's relationships. Emily, Drusilla, Dar…Elinor, Jamie, even her. Not to mention the whole caring-for-his-sick-mom thing while he'd been a regular human under that suppression spell. Yeah, he'd chased Slayers and purposely started brawls, and annoyed Angelus for kicks, but he'd spent the majority of his life in relationships, mostly being the caregiver or supporter; in her case, the lieutenant to her general.

Andrew continued to talk while Buffy tried not to cry. "It spoke to me, you know? That need to figure out who he was and what he wanted. I know I did some really evil things, but I didn't start out bad. I did start out…Neglected, I guess, trying to be seen by parents who couldn't be bothered, and I kind of fled into my brain, with all the fantasies, and the books and games and stuff. Then my older brother started with the magics. It made him more popular, got him noticed by people. So, I tried the magics, too, and they worked, and then Jonathan and I met getting black-market summoning supplies, and…Anyway, when Spike was talking about his need to find his own way in the world, I deeply identified with that. I thought, if someone as handsome and smooth and skilled as him still felt lost; well, that was terrifying for someone hopeless like me. Then again, it was inspiring to see him be humble and try so hard, you know?"

Buffy smiled, tears slipping down her cheek. "Spike doesn't know how to do anything but try. He's been that way his whole existence. He's just…Dedicated, and loyal, and relentless in pursuit of a goal."

Andrew smiled, and patted her hand with ostentatious sympathy. "I think things are gonna be okay for you two crazy kids."

Buffy couldn't help but laugh. Andrew still stuck his foot in his mouth 80 percent of the time, and could be incredibly annoying, and it was ridiculous that he was breaking out the patronizing platitudes. But, then again, it was sweet.

"So," Buffy took a deep breath. "How did you convince Willow not to say anything to me?"

Andrew winced and withdrew the hand resting on hers. "Umm, I whined and made a lot of Star Wars references. And, kind of pushed hard on the 'Spike is my hero of reformed big-badness, I can't disappoint him' button. Also, I think she didn't know what to say to you about him, or how to bring it up, so it was pretty easy to convince her that she didn't need to bring it up."

Buffy shook her head. "Geez, some best friend I've got there."

"Willow's really cool, and she loves you. Don't be so hard on her. Or yourself. You've both been busy working and healing and stuff since Sunnydale, maybe on this trip you'll finally get to have some time for personal things." Andrew smiled. "It's like in Lord of the Rings, when…"

"Please." Buffy held up a hand to silence him. "I appreciate the enthusiasm, but no Tolkien references. I haven't read the books, and I don't want to be spoiled for when I get around to it." She was kind of ashamed to play the 'no spoilers' card, but Dawn had discovered it not long after they left Sunnydale, and it was a hundred percent effective in forestalling any nerd soliloquies.

Sure enough, Andrew immediately stopped talking and looked contrite. "Oh, gosh, sorry."

Before he could work up a head of steam about something else, Buffy changed the subject. "By the way, when do I get to meet this guy you've been seeing?"