Home, love, family

by Gabros

… there was once a time the Romanovs had it all. This is just the story of Anastasia and her siblings before the revolution. Prequel to Light at the end of the tunnel.

2. The funeral brides

Moscow. July 17, 1918.

Doroteya Filippovna Lavrova.

The murder of Alexander II triggered a wave of pogroms, or riots, in which many innocent Jews were killed, lost their livelihoods, or both. One of the Tsar's assassins was Jewish, something the people rioting knew about and used as an excuse. It is horrible and embarrassing for our nation that even local policemen took part in these riots or at least allowed them to happen. The new Tsar had to order the troops to put a stop to the disorders.

Alexander III was, in some ways, the opposite of Alexander II, just like he had been the opposite of his older brother Nicholas. On the same day he ascended the throne, he stopped his father's plans for an elective consultative commission. A month after his ascension he issued a manifesto in which he committed to the maintenance of the autocracy and promised no attack or challenge to it would go unpunished. His wishes were commands.

At court, Alexander III talked as if he were about to hit someone whenever he gave orders, and when he decided something, he slept peacefully, trusting his judgment. His will was that strong. His personality was perfect for that of an absolute monarch. During his reign, it seemed as if all revolutionary sentiment had disappeared.

Alexander III started to reverse the liberalization that had occurred during his father's reign. He weakened the power of the local elected governments, or zemstvos, placing the peasant communities under the supervision of land captains appointed by the government instead. These men were feared and resented by the peasants. By doing this, the Tsar weakened the nobility and got more direct control over the countryside. He increased censorship of material considered subversive and encouraged the development of the Okhrana, the Tsarist secret police. Thousands of his political enemies were sent to scattered towns in Siberia.

Alexander was a ruthless man with an evil streak, drunk with power. One time he had a political prisoner whipped just for insulting a gendarme. A minister suggested less than 100 lashes because the woman had a fragile constitution, but the Tsar insisted on 100 and she died from her wounds. The so-called "May Laws" restricted the locations in which Jewish people could live. Their settlement in the countryside was forbidden, and only Jewish rural populations that were already there were exempted from this ban. These restrictions applied even within the Pale Settlement, the western region of the Empire in which the permanent residency of Jewish people was allowed. In other places, it was mostly forbidden.

Alexander III also forbade Jewish people from having certain occupations, limited the percentage of Jews allowed into schools, and in 1891, he expelled them from Moscow under the supervision of Grand Duke Sergei, his younger brother.

These measures caused worldwide condemnation and turned many previously loyal Jewish people against the government.

Alexander III was unapologetic though. His government would not be able to protect Jewish people from pogroms that took place in scattered villages, far away from law and order. Most importantly, he distrusted them. He disliked them. Hated them even. Jews were not Orthodox Christians. Alexander used to blame anything bad that happened on them, refuse to give Jewish officials promotions, and even privately rejoice over reports of their misery.

He didn't like the Polish Catholics much either, so he continued his grandfather's policy of "russification" through the teaching of the Russian language at schools. He wanted "Orthodoxy, autocracy, and nationality" to be values held by all of his subjects. Other faiths were forbidden to proselytize and were only tolerated.

Alexander III was not averse to all changes. He enacted laws against child labor, forbidding children under twelve from working and limiting the hours those from the ages of twelve to fourteen could work. He also made provisions for the education of child workers and instituted a system of factory inspection. Sadly, these laws were not properly enforced most of the time and many workers continued laboring under less than humane conditions.

It can be said, at least, that during the reign of Alexander III railroads were built, and the country was slowly modernizing.

Even the support for the secret police made sense at the time. Although the major revolutionary organizations were broken up under Alexander's reign, individual terrorists continued killing public servants. A mine was discovered in the Kremlin while preparations were underway for the Tsar's coronation. During Easter, the head of the Moscow police received a basket full of artificial eggs, several of which were charged with dynamite. Threatening letters were received all year long.

Of Alexander III, Monk Abel had said: "True peacemaker. His reign will be glorious. He will besiege the cursed sedition, he will bring peace, but it will not last long."

It didn't last long because the peace was a facade based on fear. Maybe underneath his tough demeanor, Alexander was fearful as well. Terrorists had killed his father, and some years before that, dozens of soldiers in the Winter Palace. Alexander never forgot the surviving men's groans of pain nor the fact it could have been him or his children.

One time, he woke up to find his aide-de-camp standing over him with his fingers on his throat. Thinking his servant was trying to strangle him, Alexander grabbed his revolver from under a cushion and fired. Only later did he realize the aide-de-camp had simply been trying to unhook his military collar so that he could breathe better.

Oo

Alexander III made a very shocking alliance with France, which was a republic and thus the complete opposite of our, until very recently, monarchist nation.

Despite their clear differences, France and Russia had a common rival.

The Balkan region, located in southeastern Europe, is populated mainly by Slavs, which are people with similar languages, cultures, and origins.

Russians, Bulgarians, Poles, and Serbians are all Slavs, and the Russian Empire was until very recently the self-proclaimed protector of Slavs. This would naturally include the Balkan Slavs.

The Russian and Austro-Hungarian Empires both had conflicting interests in the Balkan region, and Austria could count on Germany's support as an ally.

Once, during a state dinner, the Austrian ambassador mentioned the possibility that their army would mobilize in the Balkans due to a crisis. Alexander III picked up a fork from the table and twisted it into a knot.

"That", the Tsar barked in a threatening manner, "is what I am going to do to your army".

The Republic of France had previously been defeated in a disastrous war with Prussia, the region that had unified Germany and made it a superpower. As a consequence of the Franco-Prussian War, France lost the territories of Alsace and Lorraine. Resentment for these losses was added to a fear of Germany's rising military power and made an alliance with Russia desirable for France.

And so, Russia promised to go to war with Germany if France was ever attacked, and France promised to go to war with Germany if the latter attacked Russia.

Alexander III disliked the Germans deeply and so did his wife Minnie. Her homeland Denmark had also lost territories to war with them.

Oo

Despite his policies, in private Alexander III was a playful man of simple tastes, a completely different person. He was cautious with money, preferred eating with his servants in the kitchen to grand banquets, and liked to show off his strength by carrying his wife with one arm and his sister-in-law Alexandra, the wife of the future King of England, with the other arm. Almost everyone in Russia loved his wife Minnie, who delighted in parties and balls. She loved the people back, as well as her children, who needed a kind mother to make up for their disciplinarian father. One time, before she became the Tsarina, Minnie defended protesting students from the police after being made aware of the fact they were being beaten. The students had screamed and cheered for her.

Alexander often traveled with his wife and children to Copenhague in Denmark for their royal family reunions. One time, a lost tourist asked some of the royal relatives who had gone for a walk which way was the fastest to reach the center of the city. Having gotten his answer, he asked for their names in order to thank them.

"The Emperor of Russia, the King of Denmark, the King of Greece, and the Prince of Wales", they replied.

"And I am the Queen of Sheba", the tourist scoffed at them in disbelief.

The children were raised with relative austerity for most days of the year. The food on the table was not just simple or even poor, as some visitors commented, but the time they had to enjoy it was also scarce because the children were the last to be served and they weren't allowed to take longer than 50 minutes eating. Once, Nicholas was so hungry that he opened the gold cross given to him at his baptism and ate the beeswax inside. This was an act of blasphemy because supposedly, an infinitesimal relic of the True Cross was embedded in the wax. Later Nicholas felt very ashamed but admitted that it had tasted "immorally good". It soon became a common inside joke among the siblings to call any food they had particularly enjoyed "immorally good".

Alexander liked playing with all of his children. That is what he loved doing the most. One time he showered all of them with a hose and the five ended up soaking wet. Grand Duke Michael was the Tsar's favorite. The child got his revenge by dumping water from a bucket into his father's head, and the Tsar was not angry, but amused.

Alexander III loved Nicholas as well, but he considered him a bit of a disappointment and worried he would not be strong enough to rule when the time came. He didn't exactly hide this. Nicholas was quite shy and sensitive, and these personality traits led Alexander to bully his eldest child relentlessly by calling him a "girly girl" in an attempt to toughen him up. Minnie, on the other hand, was overprotective of Nicholas and spoiled him endlessly.

Despite all of this, Alexander did not make his son's education a priority because he thought there was still time for those matters. This is not to say that Nicholas was not educated. He was proficient in several languages and was a good student with exceptionally promising knowledge of history, a subject he deeply enjoyed, but he was not getting adequate experience on matters of state.

His tutors, moreover, continued to find him a disappointing pupil. Although he had a good memory and learned well, Nicholas suffered from intellectual lassitude that was hard to arouse him from. He never asked a question, challenged a statement, or pursued a subject on his own accord. He hated every minute spent in the classroom and longed for the wilderness of the outdoors, for the chance to walk as fast as a horse, pitch a tent for the night and cook his food over a fire.

With big blue eyes and dark brown hair, Nicholas was quite handsome, but he felt a bit self-conscious about his height. Because his mother was considerably short, he grew to be only 170 cm tall. A normal height for the average Russian. A pathetic height when compared to that of most Romanov men. In order to compensate for this, Nicholas started exercising regularly, eventually becoming quite well built.

Nicholas was becoming an exceedingly kind and polite young man. He used to give money from his own allowance to the less fortunate and gift scholarships anonymously. When he was sixteen, he met his future wife at a wedding.

Oo

Victoria, Elizabeth, Irene, Ernest, Friedrich, Alix, and Marie were the children of Luis IV, the Grand Duke of Hesse and by Rhine, which is a region of Germany that is usually considered unimportant. The wife of Luis was Princess Alice, the daughter of the English Queen and Empress of India, Victoria.

Alice married Luis IV about half a year after Prince Albert died, leaving Queen Victoria a widow. Alice was there for her beloved father's death and consoled her mother tirelessly, but that wasn't enough for Queen Victoria.

Victoria cried the day of Alice's wedding, stealing all of the attention from the bride, and she forced her daughter to change back to black immediately after the ceremony. Queen Victoria would then go on to claim that Alice's wedding had been more similar to a funeral.

It is possible that the bleakness of the wedding created a curse on the Hessian family. I often have unclear visions about all of Alice's children, not of sight, more of hearing, of smell... there is tragedy awaiting all of them, or at least their descendants. There already has been. For all. Victoria, Elizabeth, Irene, Ernst, Friedrich, Alix, and Marie. Sometimes I see the vision of death itself on them as a whole.

Alice was happy with her new marriage, but she tried, for her widowed mother's sake, not to write excessively about it in her letters.

The most compassionate out of Queen Victoria's children, Alice had dedicated herself to charity ever since she was a little girl, shocking her mother with her interest in nursing. Alice moved on to instill the same dedication in her children, as well as the virtues of living a humble lifestyle. The Hessian children were raised with strict morals.

Much to Queen Victoria's dismay, Alice also breastfed her seven children and was an incredibly involved parent. For that, Queen Victoria called her a cow.

Alice's youngest son, Friedrich, was born with an illness that made him bleed for longer than any normal boy would whenever he was hurt. The disease ran throughout Queen Victoria's family. One of the Queen's sons, Leopold, also suffered from it.

Once, little Friedrich cut his ear and bled for three days. Later on, when he was two years old, Friedrich fell from a window while playing with his brother Ernst. He did not die immediately, but a hemorrhage soon formed in his brain. The little boy may have survived if it weren't for the malady. And thus, the first tragedy shook the Hessian family, the first tragedy that shook Alix.

Born in 1872, Alix was a beautiful girl of fine features, a straight and thin nose, blue eyes, and long reddish-brown hair. As a little girl, she was cheerful and always laughing, forming dimples on her face whenever she smiled, and for that, she was called "sunny". Because of her beauty, she was one of Queen Victoria's favorite granddaughters.

Alix's best friend was May, her younger sister. The two little girls were loving playmates. All of Alice's daughters were, in fact, quite beautiful, so much so that the four oldest would one day be known as "the four graces".

The second tragedy was an epidemic of diphtheria. The entire family fell ill when Alix was only six years old. Alice nursed her husband and all of her children devotedly, but little May did not survive. Alice tried to keep this from the other children for as long as she could, but eventually, she had to tell them. When Ernst became upset by the terrible news of his sister's death, Alice kissed him. This may have been the kiss of death.

Alice had, until then, been without symptoms, but in time she fell ill as well. She succumbed to the illness rather quickly. Her grief over both Friedrich and Marie may have had something to do with it.

Alice died on the anniversary of her father's death. Her last words were: "dear papa".

Luis and the rest of his children recovered, but the deaths impacted Alix tremendously. Even her old toys and belongings were destroyed for fear of infection.

Alix became a serious and sensitive girl. Her dear older siblings, especially Victoria, would act as surrogate parents at times, but they were also growing, so eventually, as time went on, she started to see them less and less, gradually increasing her melancholy. She began to grow wary of strangers, becoming extremely shy and blushing for the silliest of reasons around them. Looking back on her childhood, Alix would always tell her friends and husband that it had been like a perfect sunny day suddenly clouded by eternal darkness. Her main refuge was religious faith.

Queen Victoria proceeded to act as a surrogate mother for Alix and her siblings, supervising their education. Alix would send her grandmother proofs of her talents with embroidery, and England would become the little girl's second home.

There, in the Osborne House, Alix would learn the story of her late grandfather, Prince Albert, and the love her grandmother Victoria had shared with him. There she would learn that the things she wished for most in life were love, a place to call home, and a happy family.

Alix was taught that her grandmother Victoria was a constitutional monarch, which means she could influence the government but didn't have any actual power.

Still, Alix had religious beliefs. She had her own feelings and opinions, which slowly developed as she grew older. The young Hessian princess came to the conclusion that God was the one who had set and anointed rulers on Earth, which meant that democracy was just a tool for those who didn't accept God's will.

Despite knowing very well that her siblings would one day have to leave her, Alix still enjoyed the moments she spent with them. Ernie, the closest to her in age, was her favorite. Luis loved his remaining children with passion. Victoria, Ella, and Irene took care of fourteen-year-old Ernie and twelve-year-old Alix as mothers would. Unfortunately for the family's youngest members, Victoria soon became engaged to Prince Louis of Battenberg, while Ella became engaged to Grand Duke Sergei of Russia. The two youths would miss their oldest sisters immensely.

Elizabeth, or "Ella", had long been considered the beauty of the family, and because of this, Queen Victoria was very interested in her future marriage. One of Ella's suitors had been Wilhelm, another grandson of Queen Victoria and the future German Emperor, but Ella had turned him down. Ella could have been the Empress of Germany, she could have had any position she wanted, but she really did like Sergei.

Grand Duke Sergei was the younger brother of Alexander III. Queen Victoria was not pleased, as she considered Russia an unstable nation. It did not help that Great Britain and Russia had been rivals for a long time and outright enemies during the Crimean War that Queen Victoria herself had lived through.

Ella's family did like Sergei. Alix was especially fond of him. Sergei would give the youngest of the Hesse sisters a lot of attention, teasing her mercilessly by telling her he wished he could marry her instead, as she was the real beauty of the family. Alix would drown with shyness and blush violently.

Twelve-year-old Alix and her Hessian family traveled to Russia for the wedding of Sergei and Elizabeth. Little Alix was impressed with the vastness of the Russian lands and the beauty of St. Petersburg. The elegant, colorful, and extravagant palaces and mansions, some decorated with gold, had been designed by the greatest French and Italian architects. The ornamented gilded bridges were reflected in the water of the Neva River, and near that water stood the gorgeous Winter Palace.

Alix was escorted by Cossacks in red coats, black boots, and fur hats. The Winter Palace was even more impressive at a short distance. All of this was new for Alix.

The court and palaces in Hesse were a lot less fancy. Even Alix's wardrobe was modest and relatively cheap in comparison to the dresses Russian court ladies wore.

The Hessians were warmly received by the Tsar and his family. It was during this trip that Alix's blue eyes first met those of sixteen-year-old Nicholas, who seemed to be in awe of her beauty. This, quite understandably, made Alix blush and lower her gaze the first few times she noticed his eyes were focused on her.

Many activities were arranged for the Hessian and Romanov children, and Alix came to enjoy the company of Nicholas's siblings despite her shyness. Xenia, called "chicken" by the family, was nice to her. Michael, who was called "flopsy", was a mischievous child, and Olga, the little girl, was called "baby" by everyone, as it is custom in many families to call their youngest.

Owing to the informal environment, Alix stopped feeling shy around Nicholas. They started talking, joking, laughing, and even sharing secrets.

Alix looked sad the morning of the wedding and even cried. Ernie came into her room and comforted her. She confided to her brother that she would miss her sister Ella too much to bear.

Elizabeth was a lovely bride. She dressed as elegantly and expensively as Romanov brides were expected to. According to the protocol, it was Minnie who placed the veil on her head.

Alix wore a white muslin dress with roses in her hair to the wedding ceremony. Nicholas, who was standing beside Sergei, spent most of it staring at Alix as if secretly telling her: "The next wedding is ours". Alix would usually look down and blush, but she glanced back and smiled at him on several occasions as well.

After the wedding, Alix was moved to witness how much the Russian people cheered for the bride and groom as they drove between the crowds on a carriage back to the Winter Palace. She found the veneration they expressed towards their Tsar endearing.

During a children's ball organized for both the Romanovs and the Hessians, Alix danced the quadrille with Nicholas. She had to wear the same bridesmaid dress she had worn during the wedding, as she didn't have another one as elegant.

Despite her young age, Alix was almost as tall as Nicholas, which made them good dance partners. They had a lot of fun, but there were many awkward moments that night. Their deep stares had made both Nicholas and Alix a bit shy despite having been fully comfortable before.

Once, Nicholas attempted to imply his feelings for Alix by nervously giving the girl a diamond-encrusted brooch as a gift near one of the windows of Peterhof Palace. At first, Alix received it and thanked him in an equally nervous tone. They talked in short sentences for a while. Then they started joking about loving each other. In order to impress Alix, Nicholas took the brooch, and together they carved a heart with an "N" and an "A" inside.

"I mean that", Nicholas said as he looked at the letters they had carved together in the window. "I love you for real, not as a joke". He took Alix's hand in his, giving her the brooch back in the process. "I like you very much", he continued, "more than any other girl".

Alix couldn't deal with the sudden rush of anxiety those words had made her experience. She burst into tears and ran away. Nicholas tried to comfort her, but she disappeared far too quickly. Alix was just a twelve-year-old girl and had never been in such a romantic situation.

Soon after this, Alix gave Nicholas the brooch back, probably out of guilt. She had done something considered improper. Accepting such an expensive gift from a young man was out of the question for a good girl.

Poor little Nicholas was left extremely confused. He later gave the brooch to his sister Xenia.

Despite the heartbreak and confusion, Nicholas was enchanted to have met the beautiful young princess. He found her shyness and inability to hide her childish affection for him endearing. Alix, on the other hand, had loved the politeness and gentleness of the Russian heir.

Oo

As all aristocratic young men were required to do once they reached a certain age, Nicholas entered military service. Along with other lads, the heir cultivated discipline and responsibility as he learned the basics of life as a soldier, which among other things included living in a camp and learning how to shoot. He naturally got to wear many beautiful, traditional uniforms.

Cossacks, for example, wore long red jackets, ceremonial daggers, and black fur hats. The Hussar uniform, on the other hand, consisted of blue tights, high black boots, a long black hat, and a blue jacket with several beautiful golden braids across the chest.

Nicholas loved everything that had to do with the military. The friendships, the uniforms, the outdoors, the parades, and the symbolism of being willing to die for your country. Having been awarded the rank of Coronel by his father was something Nicholas would always treasure more than being the heir. Nicholas never saw actual combat though. Alexander III was able to maintain peace during his entire reign.

Oo

It was in 1887 that a man called Alexander Ulyanov tried to murder Tsar Alexander III. The young man was arrested and hanged. Alexander III made no exceptions. To maintain the peace he needed to keep his promise that no threat to the autocracy would go unchallenged.

In the Tsar's eyes, Alexander Ulyanov had been just another executed would-be assassin, a criminal, but every life snuffed out leaves loved ones behind. When Vladimir Ilych Ulyanov lost his older brother, he swore that "they" would pay for it.

Oo

In 1888, Alexander III and his family were traveling to St. Petersburg on a train when it derailed due to excessive speed. Twenty-two people were killed instantly and two more died from wounds. The Tsar and his family were having dinner inside one of the compartments when it happened. The roof of the car collapsed and Alexander had to hold its entire weight on his shoulders while everyone else escaped.

Nicholas had witnessed it all with awe. The young man admired his father and everything he stood for, maybe too much. The thought of succeeding that tall, strong, and powerful man one day must have been overwhelming. He had carried that roof the way he carried the Russian Empire. This impressive act of strength would, however, cause the Tsar health problems in the future.

Oo

Alix had returned to Germany. Her two oldest sisters were gone and she was beginning to feel lonelier than ever. Her dear friend Nicholas lived in a land far away from hers, and her mother and little sister were once again haunting her dreams and thoughts, leaving her longing for them. Alix could only be grateful to have Ernie and Irene still, and her beloved father Luis was, without doubt, the sunshine of her life. The one person she loved most.

The Hessians visited Queen Victoria quite often. Princess Marie Louise, another granddaughter of the English queen, sensed her serious and melancholic childhood friend and cousin Alix possessed a curious atmosphere of fatality shrouding her.

"Alix, you always play at being sorrowful", Marie Louise pointed out on one occasion. "One day the Almighty will send you some real crushing sorrows, and then what are you going to do?"

Oo

Alix had been blessed with the opportunity to spend more time with her beloved brother Ernst, as they were being educated together. Ernst had a very cheerful personality and sense of humor that brightened her days, still clouded by tragedy. Irene was now the sister in charge of taking care of Alix and Ernst. She also accompanied her father on official ceremonies.

Alix was growing more and more beautiful. She was taller, her cheekbones were becoming higher, and her wavy red-gold hair has so long that she could sit on it.

When Alix turned sixteen, she was allowed, for the first time, to wear long dresses and put her hair up. Her coming-out ball was relatively modest, but she wore a lovely and puffy white gown with orange blossoms and a pearl neckless. Ella and Sergei came from Russia to attend. The couple had been married for four years but regrettably had no children.

The day came when Irene received a marriage proposal from Heinrich, a Prince of Prussia and Wilhelm's younger brother. She accepted. Alix was a bridesmaid at her sister's wedding. The youngest surviving Hessian sister was so beautiful that it can sadly be said she accidentally stole most of the attention from the bride, something that must have been extremely embarrassing for the socially awkward Alix.

While Alix was visiting her grandmother in England, news came that the German Emperor had passed and that Prince Wilhelm had succeeded him. Queen Victoria left for the coronation, and during that time, Alix bonded with her English cousins: Albert, George, Louise, Victoria, and Maud. They were the children of Prince Edward, Queen Victoria's eldest son. Prince Edward's wife, Alexandra, was Minnie's sister as well, so they were also Nicholas's cousins.

Prince George of England and Tsesarevich Nicholas looked so similar that they were often confused or mistaken for twins. They were also good friends and partners in crime, as they saw each other several times throughout their lives during family visits to Copenhagen. Sometimes they switched places on purpose and many people would fall for the trick, which amused them both immensely.

When Queen Victoria returned from the coronation, she talked with Alix and suggested a match with Albert, the heir after Prince Edward, called "Eddy" in the family. Eddy was a very awkward boy who giggled easily. He liked Alix, but she didn't like Eddy, not in a romantic way.

Alix refused the offer as politely as she could but had to explicitly reject it several times because she was being pressured by the English royal family. They acted as if the marriage were already set in stone. One time, Alix stated she would marry Eddy if she was forced to, but that she would not be happy.

Despite feeling sad about the rejection of her grandson, Queen Victoria came to admire her granddaughter's strong will. Everyone was confused as to why Alix would refuse to become the next Queen of England though.

The sad thing is Alix would probably not have become queen either way. Prince Albert died from influenza years later. It is his younger brother George, Nicholas's almost twin, who would eventually become King of England after the death of his father Edward.

Oo

Five years had passed since Nicholas met Alix. They saw each other again when the seventeen-year-old girl was invited by her sister Ella to visit Russia during the winter of 1889. Ernie and Luis came along.

For the aristocracy, winter was the season during which most of the balls took place. They liked to hide in their palaces, to hide from the horror winter means for us common people. Winter is the time of the year we know is always coming, the time we prepare tirelessly for. Hoarding grain, saving money, sleeping tightly together to protect each other from the cold. Praying this winter won't last too long, praying this is not the last winter. Praying for spring to come.

For Nicholas, the winter of 1889 didn't last long enough. Alix was now as tall as him and more beautiful than ever. She stayed at Ella and Sergei's palace. Nicholas and Alix met at balls, receptions, and dinners. They ice-skated with Elizabeth and had a lot of fun together.

Nicholas nervously made it known to Alix that he found her much prettier. He also looked really handsome in my opinion. Despite being short, he was one of the most beautiful men in his family. With his muscular physique, brown hair, piercing big blue-grey eyes of a unique almond, downturned shape, and growing reddish facial hair, Nicholas easily won over his Alix.

Nicholas and Alix sled down an ice hill with Ernie, Xenia, and little Olga several times. Nicholas ended up sprawled on top of Alix at the bottom of the hill, embarrassing the Hessian princess greatly, as I could tell by her blushing. Nicholas stood up amusingly quickly when this happened, and as he helped Alix do the same, their hands touched for longer than necessary.

They talked, as they had grown comfortable enough to do so quite often. Nicholas was one of the few people Alix could talk to without feeling scared. Alix was nice and simple, and Nicholas liked that. He was also simple in spite of the role he was born to play. They would eventually tell each other their deepest feelings and secrets.

Nicholas felt inadequate, he confessed. Every day he tried to act as if he thought himself perfect for his future occupation when in fact he feared someday, somehow, someone would unmask him as a complete fraud. Someone would dare say out loud what the young Tsesarevich felt everyone else was already thinking: "What is he good for?" Nicholas felt too much pressure coming from his mother, but especially his father. He thought anyone else would have been a better fit. Sometimes he wished he had been born a peasant in some far-away Siberian land.

A rich or middle-class farmer is what I presume Nicholas truly meant. All of the benefits and none of the shortcomings. But even I think being one of us poor landless peasants would have suited him better.

Alix confessed that the loneliness she had experienced as a child after the deaths of her mother and sister had never truly gone away, which in turn made her feel ungrateful to everyone else she loved. She confessed to feeling jealous of her sisters' husbands, who were now the most important people in their lives. Most of all she couldn't shake off the feeling that people around her didn't enjoy her company. Whenever she attended large gatherings her heart started beating way too fast. She felt dizzy. She couldn't breathe, let alone think. She found it hard to start conversations without wondering whether whoever was in front of her would end up disliking her. Whenever she went out, she wondered how people saw her. If Queen Victoria asked her to play the piano in front of guests, she would feel self-conscious despite being rather good at it in private.

But they soothed each other. They truly did. Despite their ranks, deep inside they were both simple people who didn't need much from one another. Unconditional love and acceptance were enough. They told each other this. They made each other feel like they were enough.

Alix, a sickly, shy, and awkward girl, shined for Nicholas. She was his sunny. Nicholas shined for her as well. Intensely. He was her hero. The light and hope in her life that had finally managed to vanish her childhood darkness.

They danced despite Alix generally disliking it because of the pain she would often end up feeling in her legs. Her sciatica could spoil the fun whenever she engaged in physical activities. She still tried to enjoy life as much as she could though, and so she danced. She wasn't good at it, but she danced wearing white flowers in her reddish-brown bun, an elegant pearl necklace, and the same simple yet beautiful big white dress with flowers on her chest she had worn during her coming-out ball.

Nicholas and Alix didn't stop looking at each other's blue eyes as they danced. They both felt the same way. The image of Nicholas wearing one of his fancy blue and gold army uniforms as he gently guided Alix and her big dress in the ballroom seems taken out of a fairytale. Carefully, he made sure his big black boots didn't crush her elegant white shoes, which covered her delicate feet. He knew they were often in pain.

I only get small glimpses of Nicky and Alix during that trip, so I can only imagine how easy it was for their relatives, living with them, seeing them every day, to understand that they were in love with each other.

It was then that Nicholas fell madly in love with Alix and became sure he wished to marry her.

Alix was now a very devout Lutheran however, and to marry the heir to the Russian throne she would have to become a Russian Orthodox. Alix did not consider religious faith lightly. She took everything in life seriously and it was extremely important to her that whatever she believed was the truth. Alix made this clear to Nicholas. She could not marry him. Alix did, however, agree to exchange letters.

Nicholas admired how seriously Alix took her faith, even if sadly, her religious faith was standing in their way now.

Alexander and Minnie discouraged Nicholas from pursuing Alix. The Tsar wanted his son to marry the daughter of the French pretender to the throne, Helena, and also gave Nicholas other options that had more political significance than a simple princess from a small, unimportant duchy in the much-hated Germany of all places. Alix had also made a bad impression with her visit. Her shyness, clumsiness, and seriousness were noted by most ladies at court.

"Too stiff", the ladies would say.

"Too wooden."

"Cold eyes."

"Badly dressed."

"I know! So cheap, right?"

"Can't speak French."

"Can't speak Russian."

"Strange, jerky motions when she bows her head."

"Can't keep up a conversation."

"She is rude."

"There's something wrong with her legs."

"She is so clumsy."

"Her moves are not elegant."

"There's something wrong with her face."

"There is something wrong with her."

The Empress herself, knowing how important popularity was, didn't like the idea of Alix becoming her daughter-in-law, but Nicholas wasn't interested in any of the other girls his father suggested. He once claimed he would become a monk before marrying any of them.

One time, Alexander III shouted at this son: "She won't have you! She's a confirmed Lutheran, and what in the world do you see in her?!"

"Everything!" The usually mild-mannered Nicholas shouted back.

The heir to the Russian throne was aggrieved by how unlikely it was for him to marry his favorite girl, and yet he became distracted upon meeting seventeen-year-old Mathilde Kschessinska, a beautiful ballerina with dark curls. Nicholas and Mathilde shared the same love for ballet as an art form, and soon they became good friends.

Oo

Nicholas traveled with his brother George to many places throughout the Mediterranean, Egypt, the Suez Canal, India, and Japan. The Emperor and Empress hoped this trip would teach Nicholas about diplomacy, and that the warm weather would improve George's lungs, for he was starting to become extremely sick.

George was the funniest among the siblings and Nicholas's best friend. Every time George cracked a joke, Nicholas carefully wrote it down. He would keep the jokes safe in his study and continued to laugh out loud while reading them even years later as the Emperor. Minnie had a soft spot for George, and she would let him get away with lots of mischievous deeds. It is sad to know he never got to meet his niece Anastasia.

The trip bored Nicholas more often than not, and he would complain in his diary about all the ports being the same everywhere. During his stay in Japan, Nicholas did take a great interest in Japanese traditional crafts. He got a big black dragon tattoo on his right forearm similar to the one his already alike cousin George of England had gotten years before during his own visit to Japan.

Nicholas also received a scar on his forehead when he was attacked by one of his escorting policemen, Tsuda Sanzo, with a sword. Fortunately, the heir turned around just in time and the first blow only grazed his forehead. Tsuda tried to hit Nicholas again, but the Tsesarevich's cousin, Prince George of Greece and Denmark, the son of Minnie's brother, used his cane to stop the second blow. Tsuda tried to flee, but he was caught and arrested. The Japanese apologized for the incident, and the Russian government was pleased enough. Nicholas did not want any Japanese policemen to be in trouble for the lack of security, but the experience would still scare him enough to alter his impression of the country.

When Nicholas returned home, he was met with terrible news. A recent drought had caused a famine that was spreading throughout the countryside. Peasants used their roofs to feed their animals. Men had to find work in the cities. Thousands starved to death.

Many blamed the government. Praised writer Leo Tolstoy went as far as blaming the Tsar and the church. In response, the church excommunicated Leo, a decision I consider appropriate because Leo was known to say horrible things about the church, but the church also advised the faithful to resist accepting help from the organization Tolstoy generously created to help the famine victims, which I find appalling. I may not be a church scholar, but it seems unchristian to deprive people in such need of charity.

My husband Andrei, who has less love and nostalgia for the old regime than I do, says the government was indeed to blame, and he explained to me why.

To support industrialization, taxes had been too high, forcing the peasants to sell more grain than they could keep. When there was no grain left, animals were taken. Conscripting peasants into the army also damaged their food production. Russia's primitive railways were not ready to distribute grain when the famine made its presence known either, but the worst thing the government did was to continue exporting grain for a long time after the hunger began to avoid economic losses.

I respect his opinion. He knows way more about these things than I do, and despite being able to see things, he is more likely to understand them. Andrei also knows several older physicians who worked in the most affected villages during the famine and gave their opinion on the situation.

Andrei knows lots of things, but he is not someone with strong political opinions at all. His job as a surgeon often renders him far too busy for such matters. My husband says it is more important for people to love and take care of one another because governments will fail more often than not, but good neighbors will always find a way to help out.

The government asked the people to form voluntary relief organizations to help the victims. The Tsar and Tsarina raised millions of rubles themselves, and so did Grand Duchess Elizabeth, the wife of Sergei.

Elizabeth was very sociable, just like Minnie. She liked putting up plays and even acting with Nicholas in some of them. She also knew how to be charitable when the times turned dire. Sergei and Ella loved each other deeply. Sergei was a very smart and well-educated man, but he also had an extremely inflexible side. If a rumor is to be believed, he forbade his wife from reading Tolstoy's scandalous "Anna Karenina".

Foreign powers also assisted with donations, the United States and England among them.

Because of the terrible circumstances, Alexander III was forced to give a certain degree of power to the zemstvos, or local governments, so that they could buy food, but that only helped the peasants who could repay loans and thus the less needy. The ones who could not afford to repay had to rely on donations.

I had not yet been born when that famine took place, and my brother was a newborn, but my parents and grandparents remember. My family was lucky enough to be able to repay a loan, and their area was not affected as badly as others. They told me many things about those horrible years.

Wealthy people would come to offer my parents, relatives, and neighbors money, but the tax collectors took most of it away. Whenever there were protests, Cossack patrols would come into the village and threaten people with their whips and sabers. Troublemakers were flogged, my uncle among them. His body was too weak from malnutrition and so he died from his wounds. I lost most of my cousins.

All of my family and their neighbors cursed the people who were cruel to them. No one cursed the Tsar though. The Tsar was their little father, and he did not know what they had to suffer. If the Tsar had known he would have fixed everything, they used to say, he would have helped everyone and punished those people, but it will always be too high up to God and too far to the Tsar, so all they could do was endure.

Even during my youth, during Nicholas's reign, when things were a lot better for the peasants or at least for my neighbors and relatives, I heard many of them curse the police, the governors, and the landowners who had so much while most of us had so little. They cursed those who abused their power. But never did I ever hear anyone curse the Tsar, and neither did I. It was not the Tsar's fault but that of his advisors.

My husband says it is silly to think so, he says I always gave him too much credit, but I know it is true. Unlike most peasants, I could listen to the Tsar talk, but he could not listen to me. He knew to a certain extent what was happening to his subjects, but he did not see, experience, hear, or smell. None of the Tsars did, none of them were like me.

Tsesarevich Nicholas headed the relief committee during the famine and later was made to become a member of the finance committee. Nicholas worked hard in both committees, but he had not been aware that the finance committee even existed before he became a part of it. These administrative affairs he knew so little about would become extremely important once he was the Tsar, but Nicholas thought there was still time.

Most days, Nicholas was not required to do anything. He went to meetings of the Imperial Council but was immensely bored more often than not.

Nicholas preferred to spend his evenings ice skating with his sister Xenia and his aunt Ella. He preferred to spend time with his siblings and relatives, to play hide and seek with them. He liked to go to the theater, to the opera, to the ballet… his reddish-brown beard grew, but even as an adult in his early twenties, Nicholas continued to dread each and every activity relating to his future role.

His romance with Mathilda had transformed into a full affair. He had even bought her a house where they could meet and be together. Nicholas really liked Mathilda, and at one point he felt he was in love with both her and Alix, but there was only one woman he wished to marry.

Poor Mathilda's feelings for Nicholas were a lot deeper than his feelings for her, but she knew the situation was hopeless. He was the heir and she was nothing but a commoner. All she could do was enjoy the time she had left with Nicholas and prepare herself for their inevitable parting of ways.

In the meantime, Alix spent her days taking care of her father and assisting him in the ceremonies of the German court. All of her older sisters were married, so she was the only one who could do it. In her free time, she prayed, wrote letters, read, played the piano, prepared entertainments for her father and brother, and embroidered excellently. Alex had paid a visit to Ella and Sergei at their Ilyinskoe estate near Moscow on one occasion, learning plenty of new things about Russia and becoming interested in the lives of the peasants. Much to Nicholas's displeasure, Alix had not been able to see him during the course of that trip.

Alix suffered intensely when her father died in 1892. This tragic loss made it a lot more difficult for her to even consider changing her religion. How could she? Alix had promised Luis before he died that she would remain the Lutheran he had raised her to be.

Oo

Alix spent a lot of time with Queen Victoria after her father's death. Alix's grandmother comforted and helped her mourn. The Hessian was feeling as if her entire world were ending, so Queen Victoria would often remind her that she had lost her husband Albert, which was, she said, a loss greater than that of a parent.

While visiting England, Alix spent time with some of her cousins of a similar age: Victoria Melita, or "Ducky", as she was called in the family, and Marie. Ducky and Marie were the two oldest daughters of Grand Duchess Maria, the only surviving daughter of Alexander II, and Prince Alfred, the fourth child of Queen Victoria. Marie would eventually become the Queen of Romania, but Ducky was destined to become Ernie's first wife.

Ducky was never in love with Ernie. She was infatuated with her cousin, the Grand Duke Cyril, who was the son of Grand Duke Vladimir. Fate would separate them for years before they could be together.

Queen Victoria suggested a few more marriage candidates to Alix, but she rejected all of them. She only wanted to marry for love, and the only one she loved she could not marry. She would not change her religion.

Queen Victoria did not wish for Alix to marry a Russian. She considered the country far too unstable and dangerous for her favorite granddaughter, so she wrote letters to Alix's siblings, Victoria and Ernst, asking them to make sure Alix never married Nicholas. Unbeknownst to Queen Victoria, Elizabeth was now working against her plans. She had witnessed firsthand the love Nicholas and Alix had for each other, so she tried to convince Alix to open her heart. She even went as far as telling Alix she was ruining Nicholas's life by giving him false hopes.

Nicholas was suffering very much indeed. There was no one else he wished to marry, and whenever he lost hope of being with Alix, the future seemed gray for him. He was always respectful and deeply understanding of Alix's dilemma though, and he never made light of it. In his letters to her, he expressed his wish for someone to teach her how complex Orthodoxy was so that she could see the similarities between his religion and Lutheranism.

Elizabeth did try to explain to Alix the Orthodox way of worship, but her insistence was starting to bother Alix. Alix thought it was cruel of her sister to continue pushing her to do something that went against her conscience. Elizabeth could only pray her sister would find happiness.

It was, however, not only Elizabeth who was pushing Alix to get closer to Nicholas. His baby sister Xenia also did. "Why don't you write to Nicky?" The young girl would innocently ask Alix, who didn't actually know the answer.

Oo

Alix moved on to help her brother Ernie, now the Grand Duke of Hesse and by Rhine, with official ceremonies. She only feared the day her brother would marry and she would no longer be needed. What would become of her? What purpose would her life have? She didn't love anyone but Nicholas.

In 1894, Alix's fears came true when Ernie married his cousin Victoria Melita. Nicholas and Alix met again at the wedding, during which Nicholas asked Alix to marry him. After hours of begging, Alix could only cry and say "no, I cannot". The next morning, Nicholas gave Alix a letter from his mother Minnie, whose son's love for the young Hessian had opened her heart to the match. Her words did something that moved Alix, who went to get advice from Miechen, the wife of Vladimir, Nicholas's uncle and the father of Cyril. Miechen was also a protestant, but she had married an Orthodox man and been in the same situation. The German Emperor, Wilhelm, also tried to convince Alix to accept the proposal.

Oo

Nicholas was talking with Wilhelm, his uncles and his aunt Elizabeth when Alix entered the room. When the young couple was left alone, the first thing Alix did was say yes.

Nicholas started crying, and so did Alix. Allowing herself to finally accept the man she loved transformed the Hessian princess immensely. She became cheerful, more affectionate, and started to talk and laugh more. Nicholas and Alix were grateful to God and looked genuinely happy for the first time in years. Queen Victoria had also married the late Prince Albert for love, so she quickly warmed up to the new pair when she saw how happy her granddaughter was.

As soon as he became engaged, Nicholas completely broke up his relationship with Mathilda. They were never alone together again. Mathilda would continue to have great success as a dancer and become involved with other Romanov Grand Dukes. She even had a child with one of them.

Alix traveled to England to spend time with her grandmother and started receiving lessons in Russian. Sadly, Alix's health was starting to deteriorate. She had sciatic pain and occasional headaches that would never go away but only increase with age. Her feet would also ache intensely.

Nicholas visited Alix in England, where they spent time with Alix's sister Victoria and her husband Louis of Battenberg. They were allowed to walk together unchaperoned. It was sweet to watch as Nicholas walked through the garden next to Alix, rubbing her feet with such tenderness every time she was in pain.

During a visit to Queen Victoria at Frogmore House, a funny event occurred. Nicholas got stuck in the lavatory for a good half an hour before Alix rushed to his rescue.

Soon enough a Bishop would arrive from Russia to give Alix lessons in Russian Orthodoxy. She did not make things easy for the poor man. Wishing to be wholly certain of the truth, Alix would ask a great number of questions. The Bishop must have done an excellent job because she ended up embracing Orthodoxy with all of her heart, becoming more devoted to her new religion than most people who are born and raised believing in it are.

The only thing Alix refused to do was renounce her previous Lutheran faith as heretical the way she was required to do. She came to an agreement with the Bishop, who understood it was far too cruel to expect her to do that.

In 1894, Nicholas's sister Xenia married her cousin, the Grand Duke Alexander Mikhailovich, a descendant of Tsar Nicholas I and a good friend of Nicholas. The honeymoon of the newlyweds was interrupted by news that the Tsar was sick.

Alix had to travel to Russia earlier than anticipated. Her future father-in-law had fallen dangerously ill from kidney disease.

Oo

Alexander III was staying in his palace in Crimea because it was believed the warm climate of the peninsula would be good for his health. When Alix arrived, Nicholas felt a bit better. He had been under a lot of stress and uncertainty. He was devastated by his father's illness and only Alix's presence comforted him.

Alix was indignant though. The doctors didn't take Nicholas seriously. They gave all new information concerning the condition of the Emperor to the other Grand Dukes. It was as if they didn't respect her future husband, who would be Tsar if Alexander were to die. Alix encouraged Nicholas to make the doctors tell him everything first. She reminded him of how important he was.

When Alexander III died in November 1894, Minnie was heartbroken. She had hoped they would both die at a similar age. It was incredibly shocking for Nicholas as well. His strong and imposing father had been only 49 years old.

Nicholas took his new brother-in-law Alexander to his room, where they embraced and cried together.

"Sandro, what am I going to do?" Nicholas had tears in his eyes. "What is going to happen to me, to you, to Xenia, to Alix, to mother, to all of Russia? I am not prepared to be a Tsar. I never wanted to become one. I know nothing of the business of ruling. I have no idea of even how to talk to the ministers."

Despite Nicholas's doubts, the world didn't stop turning or wait for him to become prepared. Everyone gave the oath of allegiance to His Imperial Majesty, Tsar Nicholas II.

Oo

Alix converted to Orthodoxy officially, and as Nicholas's first Imperial Decree, she became known as Alexandra Feodorovna. The name "Alexandra" means "helper" or "defender", but it can also mean: "The one who comes to save warriors." Alexandra wanted to be named Catherine at first but was convinced otherwise. As usual, she took the choosing of her name as seriously as she took everything in life and consulted God before accepting it.

Nicholas wanted to get married in Livadia privately, but his uncles rejected the idea. The wedding was far too important. The four brothers of the late Tsar were able to exert a great degree of influence over their nephew, and they would for a long time before Nicholas started to become more confident in his abilities.

The Orthodox ceremonies went on in Livadia. The family kissed the Tsar in his coffin and prayed for his soul. The coffin left Livadia for Sevastopol and then for Moscow, where it remained in the Kremlin for a night.

In St. Petersburg, the coffin traveled slowly along with the funeral cottage, on red and gold carriages towards the Cathedral of the Fortress of Peter and Paul, where the Tsars are still buried. Alexandra Feodorovna rode alone, thickly veiled in black behind the rest of her new family.

People's reaction to Alexandra was cold, nothing like the way they had received Minnie decades ago. The timing could not have been worse. As Alexandra passed, the silent crowd watched, and many people shook their heads. Old superstitious women crossed themselves.

"She has come to us behind a coffin", they murmured disapprovingly as they looked at their future Empress. "There she is. There goes the funeral bride."

Multiple kings and princes from all over Europe came to the funeral, as well as ministers from the Empire. One of these visitors was Prince George of England, Nicholas's cousin.

Nicholas had to endure ceremony after ceremony while grieving.

Oo

Nicholas and Alexandra got married on November 26, or 14 according to the old calendar. Nicholas chose her mother's birthday as the day for the celebration. The official mourning period had not ended yet, but it would become more relaxed on Minnie's birthday.

Alexandra wore a traditional Russian court wedding dress with a big wide skirt. The dress was white with many silver embroidered decorations located mostly around Alexandra's bare shoulders, outlining the shape of her torso, and dividing the dress in the middle. Long open sleeves decorated her arms, and Minnie herself carefully settled a giant half-moon-shaped diamond crown on Alexandra's reddish-brown head. This diamond crown had belonged to Catherine the Great herself. A beautiful transparent and sparkling veil fell down Alexandra's head, and a golden coat surrounded by white fur covered her back. Across her torso, she wore the star and sash of the Order of St. Andrei, and several pearl necklaces and diamonds decorated her ears and neck. Alexandra could not have looked more beautiful. Maybe this was the most beautiful she ever looked. Nicholas also looked gallant in his elegant Hussar uniform.

The wedding took place at the Grand Church of the Winter Palace. She was 22, and he was 26. Because of the mourning, there was no reception or honeymoon, but they did not need either. The rest of their marriage was their honeymoon.

I am watching Nicholas and Alexandra right now. They are about to die together, still glancing at one another like that sixteen-year-old boy and that shy twelve-year-old girl who met at another wedding did. My mother used to tell me few couples continue to love each other until death parts them. I do not know if my husband and I will be among those few, but so far, I do think we will.

Oo

None of the women in the village wanted me to marry any of their sons. I was still considered a witch despite being friends with the priest, and the people who were not closely related to me preferred to keep their distance. The boys would always give me strange looks. Anna and her parents were an exception to the rule.

Most of the other girls were already married by fourteen to slightly older boys who were around sixteen, before the latter were able to be called for military service. I did not marry until I was eighteen.

I met my husband in 1910 when I was sixteen and he was twenty. He studied medicine in Moscow, and my village happens to be located extremely close to the city.

My sisters and I used to travel to Moscow on a cart once every one or two weeks to sell our embroidered dresses, kosovorotka shirts, and other pieces my mother, sisters and I made with our own hands. We also sold flowers from the countryside. We picked up most of them on the road but also grew some of them ourselves. These extra earnings were extremely useful during the years of bad harvests.

We often sold near the Imperial Moscow University because we had come to realize that the students and professors there were reliable customers, especially when it came to the flowers. Young men in love would always wish to buy them for their sweethearts. Sometimes they were very friendly and confided to us about the girls in question, and the next time they saw us they revealed whether they had been successful or not in wooing the girls they liked. I loved the sparkle in their eyes, but these kinds of anecdotes could make me selfishly sad sometimes, especially when I remembered no one liked me the same way.

Except for a few who liked to chat, most students and professors would only buy what they needed and then leave, but Andrei would frequently stare at me from the distance for a long time without buying anything. The first time I thought it was weird, but I didn't say anything. I thought he wanted to buy something but didn't have any money. The second and third times made me wonder if he was actually some sort of policeman surveilling us who would someday come and arrest us for selling things where we were not supposed to.

This might have gone on for months, but one day my younger sister Evgenia, fourteen years old at that time, yelled at him to either buy something or leave. She also called him stupid. Evgenia is a little bit too bold sometimes. I scolded her and told her she was being rude, but ironically, it is possible I wouldn't have properly met Andrei otherwise. He approached us and bought some flowers for the first time. I gave them to him with a sad look because I knew he probably liked someone.

I thought Andrei was very handsome. I clearly still do. He has beautiful blue eyes and dark brown hair, full lips, and a small mole on his cheek, near his nose.

The next time we visited Moscow I dragged my sisters back to the university despite the fact we usually went to a different place every time we traveled to the city, rotating each week. Not anymore. Since I was the oldest, I got to decide where we were going to sell. Evgenia complained, saying she knew I wanted to marry a student because I was far too lazy for the fields. That is why I prefer Katya, my youngest sister, a pure angel compared to Evgenia.

To my great surprise, Andrei approached us again and bought even more flowers, but this time he asked us where the flowers came from. I explained to him with great enthusiasm that a large number of them grew naturally near our village. He left after giving me a smile I happily returned, but it made me sad to know he loved that girl enough to buy her flowers every time he came across our stand.

We met again and again at the same spot. He already knew when I would visit the city, and he always bought flowers for the girl he liked. I could have had visions about this girl, but I would have felt madly jealous, so I tried to avoid having visions of Andrei as much as I could. With time our conversations moved on to different topics. He asked me about my life in the village, and I became enchanted by all he told me about his future profession. What he was learning at medical school was incredibly fascinating. He wanted to become a surgeon, and the fact that he was studying to help people made me like him even more.

In 1911, Andrei talked to me about a conflict in the university that had started because of a banned meeting to commemorate Leo Tolstoy, who had recently died. Some students had started a strike and the police had been involved.

Andrei and his friends did not take any sides, not because they did not sympathize with their fellow students but because they didn't want any trouble and just wished to get back to class. Apparently, lots of professors and scientists resigned at the end of the crisis, which really upset Andrei. He admired many of them, poor dear. I was glad he had decided to open up to me about these things. I was, in fact, mesmerized by anything he told me about.

One day, instead of buying flowers, Andrei asked me if I wanted to go with him to a cinema. I had heard of those before, but I had never visited one, and I really wished to know what they were like. I had to take care of my sisters though, and I also had to sell as much as I could, so I explained the situation to him. He was so very kind and understanding! I even think I fell in love that day. He gave me just enough money to make up for the time I would not be working and invited my sisters to come along. They were both so excited! I felt a bit guilty for his other girl but assumed they had simply had a fight.

From that day on our friendship grew, and we learned lots of things about each other. One day he asked me if we could meet alone, and for the first time in my life, I willfully and knowingly disobeyed my parents. I traveled to Moscow on my own when I should have been working. That day he shyly asked me if I could remove my headscarf. He simply longed to see what my hair looked like. I exposed my blonde hair, and he told me it was far more beautiful than he imagined it would be. When he tried to kiss me, I stopped him, explicitly stating he would have to marry me first because otherwise, I knew from experience my family would rage at both of us. Mostly at me.

We did get married six months later, a month before I turned nineteen.

Andrei calls himself a "modern and skeptic 20th century man", so he did not believe in my visions the first time I talked to him about them. He just became extremely worried about my mental condition, which was both painful and amusing at the same time. I had my ways of showing him I was perfectly sane and that my visions were absolutely real. For the first time in my life, someone reacted with awe and excitement instead of fear or embarrassment.

Andrei said he wished someone could open up my brain when I died, which was scary to hear come from his mouth the first time, but understandable once I started to study nursing so I could work near him. I really do want someone to study my brain when I die. Maybe there is indeed something different about it.

Andrei also loves history, so he was completely supportive of my idea of learning French to understand the visions I have had taking place at court. He paid a French tutor for me when he finished school and started working.

I eventually learned English and a little bit of German as well. Finally, I had someone other than Gerasim to share most of my passions with. I find his interest in learning the cause of everything so endearing, and even more so when I am the object of his interest.

After I married Andrei, my visions became less common and more controllable. I had found happiness in my own life and felt important and cherished. I could have control over my ability because now I was more than just the weird things I saw. That is probably the way the last Emperor felt throughout his entire marriage. Even when the world was clearly crumbling down around him, he was invincible as long as Alexandra, or his dear "wify", as he called her, was near him.

Oo

Nicholas and Alexandra lived with Minnie during their first months of marriage. The three of them got along well at the beginning. Nicholas slowly got used to the massive amount of work he would have to do every day as Alexandra struggled with her Russian and French, the court language.

When the mourning period was over, Minnie went back to public life, something that had always made her feel comfortable. According to Russian court etiquette, the Dowager Empress always took precedence, so Minnie would walk escorted by her son to all ceremonies while Alexandra would walk behind escorted by a Grand Duke.

Alexandra began to recent this, however, and the way Minnie treated Nicholas did nothing to alleviate these feelings. The Dowager Empress talked to her son as if he were nothing but a schoolboy, offering him great amounts of political advice, oftentimes unsolicited. Alexandra's relationship with her mother-in-law was starting to become a bit tense. Arguments became common, the two of them calling each other "dear Alix" and "mother dear" with tones of voice that clearly conveyed condescension.

Some problems exist wherever you go. My mother-in-law and I did not get along at the beginning either. Andrei's mother thought I was too stupid to marry her son. She never said so to my face, but I noticed. She barely talked to me.

Reluctantly, Andrei explained to me why his mother did not like me after I threatened to use my ability. Natalia would have preferred for her son to marry an educated girl from another middle-class family. She thought I was only after Andrei's money.

Natalia only warmed up to me when she found out I wanted to become a nurse, but her initial reaction still stings. What is so wrong with being a simple person? What is so wrong about not wanting to learn anything? Andrei liked me even before I told him I knew how to read, so it is sad to know this would have not been the case with his mother, and even more so the fact she probably thinks little of my family for not being like me.

Us peasants do not take these displays of snobbery too kindly. Urban people may have more knowledge, but without simple-minded folks such as my family to feed them, that precious knowledge of theirs would be completely useless.

Oo

The awkwardness between Alexandra and the former Empress reached its peak when Minnie, who had a passion for jewelry, refused to pass down the crown jewels to Alexandra as was tradition to do even after Nicholas asked her to do so. Alexandra was so offended that she exclaimed she no longer cared about jewelry and would not wear any. Minnie, not wanting to cause a scandal, gave her the jewels reluctantly.

Alexandra was happy during the first days of marriage, but she was also worried about and scared of her husband's youth and inexperience.

In the spring of 1895, Alexandra found out she was pregnant. Her morning sickness was an obvious sign. The Tsar and Tsarina were ecstatic. The baby kicked her mother a lot, a clear sign she would possess an extraordinarily strong personality.

The pregnancy itself was very hard on the mother, who suffered from sciatica.

In November 1895, Alexandra went into labor. Artillerymen in St. Petersburg prepared themselves. The sound of 301 cannons would announce the birth of a male heir, while 101 would welcome a Grand Duchess into the world.

Alexandra's labor lasted twenty hours. Her mother-in-law Minnie and sister Ella were there with her, and so was Nicholas.

Hearing his wife's cries of pain, the Emperor was frequently suffering in tears while his mother the Dowager Empress prayed for the baby's safe delivery. It took forceps and chloroform to deliver the child.

The Grand Duchess Olga Nikolaevna Romanova was born on the 3rd of November, or the 15th of November according to the new calendar. Nicholas could barely believe that the baby was really his daughter. They called her Olga during prayer, which means "holy" or "blessed".

"A day I will remember forever", the Tsar wrote in his diary. "At exactly nine o'clock a baby's cry was heard and we all breathed a sigh of relief! With a prayer we named the daughter sent to us by God 'Olga'!"

Olga was a huge baby, with an enormous head filled with light blonde hair that probably held all of her intelligence. She did not look like a newborn at all.

Months before, Alexander and Xenia had welcomed a baby girl named Irina into the world, and Alexandra's brother already had a baby daughter named Elizabeth who was about a year older than Olga.

Nicholas and Alexandra were overjoyed to have a baby girl as well. They had plenty of time for a boy.

"I am glad that our child is a girl", Nicholas said. "Had it been a boy, he would have belonged to the people, being a girl, she belongs to us."

Nicholas and Alexandra generously rewarded the skills of the doctors who delivered their daughter. Alexandra nursed and bathed Olga herself like her mother Alice had done before her, although a wet nurse was hired for backup. Baby Olga rejected Alexandra at first. A strange thing occurred and Alexandra ended up nursing the wet nurse's baby while the wet nurse fed Olga. Nicholas was immensely amused.

Eventually, Alexandra succeeded as a nursing mother. She sang her baby to sleep with lullabies, and when Olga slept, she knitted for her. Nicholas helped with everything he could whenever he was not too busy. The newlyweds were immensely proud of their big baby. As part of the celebration, Nicholas pardoned many political prisoners.

Baby Olga was christened wearing his father's white robes once the official mourning period for Alexander III had ended. Following Orthodox tradition, Nicholas and Alexandra did not attend the ceremony. The baby was dipped in holy water three times and then anointed with oil. One of the baby's godmothers was her teenage aunt Olga, Nicholas's youngest sister. Other godmothers and godfathers included Queen Victoria, Ernie, and Minnie.

After the ceremony was over, Nicholas invested his daughter with the Order of St. Catherine, which was an award given to all Grand Duchesses upon their christening. Grand Dukes were awarded the Order of St. Andrew.

Oo

In 1896, Nicholas and Alexandra were crowned in Moscow as tradition demanded. Many foreign princes assisted the event, George of England and Wilhelm, the German Emperor, among them. When Nicholas and Alexandra arrived, they went into retreat to fast and pray in the Petrovsky Palace to contemplate the difficult future task at hand.

On May 25th, Nicholas formally entered the city, which was filled with people longing to see him. My family was there, they could not miss it. I was only two, so naturally, I do not remember.

The procession of Imperial Guards riding through the streets with their beautiful uniforms and golden helmets, the Cossacks wearing long red coats, the nobility, and the orchestra provided lots of entertainment for the people until the Tsar arrived behind, signaled by the officials coming in their gold-embroidered uniforms.

Nicholas rode alone on a white horse. He used his left hand to rein the horse and his right hand to salute. From his horse, he didn't look short at all. He looked gallant, magnificent. Behind Nicholas came the Grand Dukes and foreign princes. Two carriages came next. They carried Maria and Alexandra, the two empresses. Alexandra was wearing a beautiful white gown with sewn jewels. Both carriages followed the Tsar into the Kremlin.

The morning of the 26th of May, the coronation took place in the Ouspensky Cathedral, where two coronation chairs awaited the Tsar and Tsarina. Nicholas sat on the chair that had once belonged to Alexis I. It was encrusted with gems and pearls. Alexandra sat on a throne that had been brought to Russia from the Byzantine Eastern Roman Empire before the Romanov dynasty even ruled Russia. Nicholas wore a heavy chain, the Order of St. Andrew.

The coronation ceremony lasted five hours. After a long mass Alexandra knelt while the Metropolitan prayed for the Tsar. While everyone remained standing, Nicholas dropped to his knees in prayer for Russia and the people. He was anointed with holy oil by the priest, but this meant to represent he had been anointed by God.

For the first and only time in his life, Nicholas took communion as a priest would, symbolizing his spiritual equality among Russia's senior bishops and metropolitans. For just one day, the monarch would be regarded by the church as a mixed person, part-priest and part-layman. He communed directly of the Body and Blood using his hands to take the bread and the chalice. This meant to signify that his duty as a Tsar would require the same constant spiritual struggle as the sacrament of priesthood.

It would. What position could have put more at stake?

During the ceremony, the chain of the Order of St. Andrew slipped from Nicholas's shoulders. Gasps were heard. Those who saw it were asked to keep it a secret to prevent superstitious people from considering it a bad omen.

Nicholas and Alexandra were covered in big golden robes with white fur around them. There were lots of people from the nobility inside the cathedral, but even more people crowded outside to witness the event, all dressed up in their best clothes and uniforms. As tradition demanded, the descendants of certain individuals who had at one point or another in history saved a Tsar's life were present as guests of honor.

Nicholas wanted to use the Monomakh cap worn by Michael I for the coronation because it was attached to Russia's historical past and was a lot lighter, but he was advised against it.

The crown Nicholas used had been the same in all coronations since the reign of Catherine II. It consists of a red velvet cap with its sides and center covered by thousands of diamonds. Each of the two sides has its edges outlined by pears. A big red stone surrounded by small diamonds stands on top of the center of the crown, and a slightly smaller cross made of diamonds stands on top of the red stone.

Following Byzantine tradition, Nicholas received the crown from the hierarch of the church and then used his own hands to crown himself. The Metropolitan then said a prayer:

"Most God-fearing, absolute, and mighty Lord, Tsar of all the Russias, this visible and tangible adornment of thy head is an eloquent symbol that thou, as the head of the whole Russian people, art invisibly crowned by the King of kings, Christ, with a most ample blessing, seeing that He bestows upon thee entire authority over His people."

After this, the Tsar received his scepter and orb, and the Metropolitan said another prayer:

"God-crowned, God-given, God-adorned, most pious Autocrat and great Sovereign, Emperor of All the Russias. Receive the scepter and the orb, which are the visible signs of the autocratic power given thee from the Most High over thy people, that thou mayest rule them and order for them the welfare they desire."

Nicholas became then, officially, the Most God-Fearing, Absolute, and Mighty Lord, Tsar of All the Russias, God-Crowned, God-Given, God-Adorned, Most Pious Autocrat and Great Sovereign, Emperor of All the Russias, His Imperial Majesty, We, Nicholas II, By the Grace of God, Emperor and Autocrat of All the Russias, Moscow, Kiev, Vladimir, Novgorod; Tsar of Kazan, Tsar of Astrakhan, Tsar of Poland, Tsar of Siberia, Tsar of Chersonese Taurian, Tsar of Georgia; Lord of Pskov and Grand Prince of Smolensk, Lithuania, Volhynia, Podolia, Finland; Prince of Estland, Livland, Courland, Semigalia, Samogitia, Belostok, Karelia, Tver, Yugorsky land, Perm, Vyatka, Bolgar and others; Lord and Grand Prince of Nizhny Novgorod, Chernigov, Ryazan, Polotsk, Rostov, Yaroslavl, Belozersk, Udorsky land, Obdorsk, Kondia, Vitebsk, Mstislav, and all of the northern countries Master; and Lord of Iberia, Kartli, and Kabardia lands and Armenian provinces; hereditary Sovereign and ruler of the Circassian and Mountainous Princes and of others; Lord of Turkestan; Heir of Norway; Duke of Schleswig-Holstein, Stormarn, Dithmarschen, and Oldenburg, and others, and others, and others.

Nicholas took off his crown and approached his wife Alexandra, who was kneeling before him, in order to crown her as well. He put the crown back on his head and used another smaller but identical crown to adorn Alexandra's head.

For Alexandra, this was like a spiritual wedding to Russia. Every single part of the long ceremony had such a symbolic significance that she did not feel tired for even a second. She took her role as a mother of her people as seriously as she took everything in life.

Oo

Four days after the coronation, a tragedy occurred that would also be interpreted as a bad omen. A banquet was going to be held for the people at the Khodynka Field, where food and commemorative cups would be given.

More people than expected traveled from all over Russia to the field, and soon rumors spread that there would not be enough gifts for everyone. Some even said that the cups contained a golden coin. People tried to get into the lines, the small police force failed to keep order, a stampede formed, and more than a thousand people were trampled to death, including children.

The field was so large that some people were lucky enough not to notice. My family walked away with their commemorative cups and sausages. They only heard about what had occurred a day later. Had they been anywhere near the place the stampede happened, I may not have been here today.

When Nicholas and Alexandra found out about this, they considered canceling a ball that was taking place that day at the French Embassy, but Nicholas's uncles made him change his mind once again, saying it was far more important not to upset the French, their valuable allies.

Some officials in charge of the organization and security of the festivities were fired. The Tsar gave pensions to the families of each of the people who died in the stampede and personally paid for individual caskets for the dead.

Nicholas, Alexandra, and Minnie visited the wounded in many hospitals. Alexandra looked at them with tears in her eyes. She was visibly upset, like a mother suffering for her new children.

But to many intellectuals, the fact the court had declared mourning over the death of Archduke Karl Ludwig Joseph Maria of Austria a few days prior but not after the deaths of thousands of common Russian people sent the wrong message. Were the lives of thousands of innocents really worth less than that of one Archduke?

Knowing the Tsar and Tsarina had assisted a ball the same day the tragedy occurred also made many think that they did not sympathize with the victims.

Grand Duke Sergei, the Governor of Moscow, was not directly involved in the planning of the festivities, but he was blamed by many for not taking the necessary precautions and was called by some "the Prince of Khodynka". Nicholas refused to have his uncle removed from his position. All he wanted to do was move on.

Oo

Nicholas and Alexandra made the Alexander Palace their main residence. This palace is located in Tsarskoye Selo, also known as the village of the Tsars, and it is the same modest place where Nicholas was born. At least it can be considered modest when compared to the Winter Palace in St. Petersburg, a few kilometers north of Tsarskoye Selo.

Alexandra decorated the quarters herself in a quite simple manner. The interiors were no more ostentatious than those of any other bourgeois or middle-class home. It was still a far more comfortable place than the house where Nicholas and Alexandra spent their final days. The shooting just started.