The Alexander Palace, Tsarskoe Selo. Winter, 1902.
Olga Nikolaevna Romanova.
Mama said she had a baby when we were at Peterhof, which is why she looked so fat, but papa then told me there was no baby. Mama has been sad, probably because of the baby, but she looks very, very happy now as we decorate the playroomʼs Christmas tree.
Mama and Maria are playing with the spheres. Across from them, Miss Eagar takes care of my baby sister Anastasia. Soon little Nastya will have long hair as Tatiana, Maria, and I do. I love Anastasia, she is very funny. Last night, Maria told me she tried to jump from her cradle. Only Miss Eagar managed to stop her. I have taught Anastasia how to sing half the alphabet with a song. She does this very well for a one-year-old, although sometimes she changes the lyrics to softly sing my name: "Olga, Olga."
Tatiana and I are standing right next to the basket containing the decorations. She hands me the spheres over to hang on the Christmas tree. My sister and I like to make sure that the different colored spheres are distributed throughout the lower half of the tree in a way that looks pretty.
Now I am placing a red sphere next to a blue sphere, and I am planning to hang a silver one close to both of them after I am done.
"This red sphere looks better next to the green one", Tatiana says.
"No, look", I point at the spheres I just hung on the tree. "The silver one is like white, and if you put it next to the blue one that is next to the red one, the three spheres look like a Russian flag together."
"Oh! True!" Tanechka opens her eyes wide. "That is pretty!"
She gets it as well! I give my sister a sudden hug that causes her to lose balance and stumble. This makes us both laugh.
"Then we can put the green one over here", Tatiana stands on her tiptoes and hangs the green sphere as high up in the tree as she is able to.
Looking up, I catch sight of mama, who is carrying my little sister Mashka so that she can reach the top of the tree and hang the sphere she has in her hand.
"Look at me!" Mashka stretches her arms out. I wave my hand at her. Tatiana turns around, smiles and waves at Maria as well.
I miss being carried like that, but I like knowing I am getting bigger more. Our soldier friends carry us whenever we ask them to do so either way. They don't care about how heavy we are getting. My favorite soldiers are the Cossacks, who wear pretty coats and fur hats and are nice and loyal and friendly to us all. Papa has told me the most interesting things about them. Cossacks are among the many kinds of soldiers who fought Napoleon and kicked him out of Russia.
"You are a bird!" Tanechka flaps her arms up and down, making Maria giggle. I imitate Tanechka, as she and I love pretending to be different things, like cats and butterflies, and people who work, and princesses, but princesses from a magic kingdom where fairies exist. We have been mermaids and fairies too. Yesterday, we were people waving at papa as he passed them by.
Mama smiles at us as she carries my little sister. Maria is very cute and looks so very happy.
"No, you are an angel!" I exclaim, causing Maria to giggle even louder. Her tooth gap is evident even up there. Tatiana, Anastasia, and I have tooth gaps as well. We all inherited them from papa.
"Donʼt move too much girlie", mama cautions Maria as she slowly loses her balance. Maria is very fat because she eats lots of candy and no one can stop her. For this, we used to call her fat little bow-wow. We still do sometimes.
Miss Eagar helps mama by taking my sister Maria and laying her back on the ground.
Maria frequently steals cookies and candies from mamaʼs tea table, always saving some of them for the baby, which isn't nice, but I never complain because then I wouldn't get the leftover sweets she always offers Tatiana and I.
"Did you see?" Maria rushes towards us. Tatiana and I smile and nod. Maria gives me a very tight hug. I hug her back, and just when I am about to rest my head on hers, she jumps.
"I was very tall!" Maria exclaims.
"Yes you were", I agree. She stands on her tiptoes and raises her hands high like a ballerina. I laugh and do the same, also trying but failing to pirouette. I end up falling, causing Tatiana, Maria, and I to burst into laughter. Tatiana helps me stand up after a few seconds.
I like the way ballerinas dance. I wish I could be one when I grow up, but mama says little Grand Duchesses donʼt become dancers. We do have dancing lessons, but ballet is not really the sort of dance we are being taught to be proficient at.
"That was stupid", I turn to look at Tatiana, giggling. "I wish I were a ballerina."
"You donʼt dance very well", she grins. "You would need a teacher."
"I like ballerinas as well", Mashka says. "I want their dresses."
"Me too!" Tatiana agrees.
"That is not the only reason I like ballerinas, Mashka", I stroke my little sisterʼs hair. She looks up at me as if I were really smart, which I enjoy. "They are very good at dancing, and the music they dance to is beautiful, and we Russians are very good at creating ballets."
"Oh, no!" Tatiana laments. She is no longer looking at me but has turned her attention towards the Christmas tree. My jaw drops when I do the same.
Baby Anastasia is ripping the spheres away from where we placed them, laughing as they fall. At least one of them breaks before she moves on to pull down several branches of the tree with her hands. When she lets go, even more spheres fall. Anastasia bursts into laughter, seemingly delighted by this. She joins her hands together and claps.
All those had turned out so pretty. They are ruined. Anastasia ruined our decorations. The red, blue, and white spheres too.
I scream, loudly and for quite some time. I do so directly at my youngest sister. I try to scream louder and louder with each passing second. Anastasia becomes so frightened she rapidly sprints towards mama, who picks her up and immediately begins soothing her. Tatiana covers her ears and frowns. Maria starts crying.
"Olga!" Mama exclaims. "What is that dreadful sound? Stop it now!"
"Mama doesnʼt like that sound", Tatiana scolds me, "it makes her feel bad." I slap my sister without thinking, causing her to cry out and frantically rub her sore cheek with both hands to soothe the sudden pain.
Mama hands Anastasia over to Miss Eagar and then menacingly walks straight towards me. Tatiana clings to her as soon as she gets closer, hugging her legs.
"Look what Anastasia did!" I point at the shattered spheres. All is ruined. It will never be as pretty and perfect again.
"Anastasia is a baby", my mother puts her hands on her hips. She is defending Anastasia after what she did. It is not fair. "Babies are not smart enough to know what they are doing yet. You are seven, a big girlie now, and to be honest I thought you were way past this behavior. You should not scream like that or become angry over tiny things. You are being careless of other peopleʼs feelings, and how dare you slap your sister in the face?"
"What about my feelings?" I try to frown as noticeably as I am able to. Mama needs to know how angry and hurt I am. "And Tatiana was being rude."
"Now you are being selfish darling", mama says. "And Tatiana was the opposite of rude, she was being thoughtful, something you must learn to become yourself, young lady, you are the oldest."
"Mama!" I stomp a foot on the ground out of frustration. My entire leg ends up hurting.
I am not selfish. The baby was being selfish. Maybe she is tiny and doesnʼt know much, but she also has to learn, right? And I can be just as thoughtful as Tatiana… or can I? Anastasia is crying in Miss Eagarʼs arms, and Tatiana is on her tiptoes, comforting her. I search through my memories. Come on, Olga! Think! Times I was more thoughtful than Tatiana… oh no! Maybe I have never been as thoughtful after all! I get the urge to cry.
Suddenly, Maria squeals and rushes to the door. She has a huge grin on her face despite the tears still drying on her cheeks. Papa is here. My frown disappears, but I, too, still have tears in my eyes. I hope mama doesnʼt say anything, I donʼt want papa to be mad at me.
"You should reflect on your behavior, Olga", mama advises me in a low tone of voice. "It is something you might like to confess to the priest this coming year." She proceeds to greet papa, who is now hugging both Maria and Tatiana.
Once mama and papa have kissed, mama says some to papa's ear. My fears have come true.
Oo
Papa and I get ourselves wrapped up in coats and then go outside for a walk in the park. I donʼt like it when papa is his serious self instead of his fun self. I like it when we play together and he laughs at my jokes. Now is not the time for jokes though.
Papa scolds me for yelling at the baby and slapping Tatiana. He inquires about my upcoming confession. I assure him I am already writing my sins down as he and my catechism master recommended. This way, I wonʼt fail to remember my sinful thoughts and actions.
I definitely won't forget to write my recent sin down either. I love God and donʼt want Him to be sad about me doing bad things… I just donʼt want to apologize to mama or my sisters yet. I am too scared, not of not being forgiven, for I know they will forgive me, I am scared of not deserving their forgiveness, which might be the way I will feel about God forgiving me when the time comes.
Why am I always bad? It is true that Tatiana didnʼt deserve the slap, and maybe Anastasia didnʼt deserve to be frightened either.
I miss Tatiana already. We are never apart for too long. I am a bit bored without her, and the worst part of it all is that I just thought of a new game to play with her, but she is not here and... oh, no! I hope she doesn't finish decorating the Christmas tree before I am back!
"You should always be courteous, Olga", papa holds my hand as we walk through the park, and despite having scolded me a while ago, he doesnʼt look angry at all. "Regardless of whether it is only I, your mama, your nannies, or your sisters around. I know you are already nice to most strangers, as you are a very gentle-hearted and caring girl."
I smile and hug his arm when he says that. It means so much to me that I can't help but let out a sob, and when I do, he puts his other arm around me.
"But you should also be nice to the people you see every day, the people who take care of you, your mama and sisters," papa strokes my hair. "They all love you very much and will always be there for you no matter where you find yourself in."
"Like Babushka and her sister Alexandra, right?" I pull away from the hug and wipe my tears. My grandmotherʼs sister is the Queen of England. Babushka has shown us tons of pictures of her and our cousins in England. "They were Danish princesses before marrying, grandma told us everything. They would wear big wide dresses when they were younger, as that was the fashion in their days. And then Alexandra met Prince Edward and grandma met grandpa, and all of them knew my great great great great grandmother Victoria."
"Exactly", papa smiles at me. "But Queen Victoria was only your great grandmother, Olga, not your great, great, great…"
Papa canʼt finish the sentence, because he and I are soon laughing. Sometimes it is hard to remember how many 'greats' go before grandmother.
"But great great great grandmothers exist, right?" I ask.
"Sure", papa nods. "It depends on how many generations back you go. Nicholas I was my great grandfather, Pavel I was my great-great-grandfather…"
"And Catherine was your Great great great great grandmother!" I exclaim.
"No, Olga, you added an extra 'great'… oh! I see what you did there, my bright girl!" I feel papa picking me up and soon enough I am being spun around.
This is so fun! I love papa. He lays me down gently after a while, but I am so dizzy I just fall into the snow, making papa laugh. I decide to make an angel.
"So the old person gets one 'great' more every time a descendant is born", I extend my arms and legs in the snow.
"That is right", papa smiles down at me.
"Papa, will you be a great grandfather one day?"
"I hope so", he offers me a hand and I take it to stand up. "It implies at least one of you is going to give me grandchildren."
"I will give you lots of grandchildren if you want!" I straighten up, and I start missing my baby sister Anastasia. I do want to have a baby like her when I am older, all smiling and happy.
"I know you will", he grins. "And you will make some European prince very lucky someday, giving him lots of heirs."
"European?" I ask. "Canʼt he be Russian like you?"
"We will have to see when the time comes, dear."
"If I do marry a European prince, will I have to live somewhere else?"
"Well, that is how it works, but donʼt trouble your little mind with such things yet, you are only seven." Papa is chuckling by the time he finishes the sentence.
"Can I bring Tanechka when I go live abroad with my prince?" I ask.
"Sure, if Tatiana marries a prince from the same country", papa laughs. I am not satisfied with that response.
"If Tanechka is not allowed to come with me to the country of my prince", I frown, "I am getting a disvorce."
"You are getting… a what?!" Papa's eyes widen.
"A disvorce, like Cousin Ellaʼs parents."
"Where did you hear that word?"
"At Aunt Xeniaʼs", I reveal, proud to be in the know about something not even papa is aware of. "Aunt Xenia was talking to grandmamma about Uncle Ernie's disvorce and I hid to listen to them. No one saw me!"
"Do you know what that word means?" Papaʼs voice is shaking. He seems nervous.
"It is when the mommy and the daddy go to live in different places", I reply. "Poor Cousin Ella."
Papa nods. "Well, donʼt let your mama know you are aware of this", he says. "It is a very sad matter, and you donʼt want to make your mother sad, do you?"
I shake my head.
"Do you want to go back now?" He asks me.
"No!" I yell.
I love carrying baby Anastasia in my arms. I love holding her little hands as I help her walk and run around. I love playing with her. But what if she hates me now?
Papa gives me a sad look, but he doesnʼt say anything. We keep walking and eventually come across a bench by the side of the road. We sit down and, after a while, something occurs to me.
"Papa!" I exclaim.
"What is it?" He asks.
"Do you think Father Christmas will bring me presents after what I did?!"
I donʼt actually care about the presents, I just donʼt want mama and Tatiana to say that they told me so when they do open their presents on Christmas morning, and I want my sisters and I to play together with our new presents. The four of us.
"Of course, my dear", papa replies with a gentle smile that calms all of my fears. "You have mostly been good this year and even prior, you are a very Christian girl, remember that time you were riding a car and saw a poor little girl crying in the street?"
"I threw my doll at her", I finish the story for him. "I thought maybe Santa hadnʼt given her any presents." I hope she liked the doll. I, too, liked it, but she needed it more. I hope she still plays with it.
"But you have to apologize to your sisters and mother, the same way we all ought to ask God to forgive our sins. That sound you made hurts mamaʼs head, you know that, right?"
"Yes, papa", I rest my head on his shoulder. We stay silent for a while.
Suddenly, a new thought crosses my mind.
"Papa, isnʼt witchcraft a sin?" I ask.
"Yes, of course", papa replies.
"Then why did the Shah of Persia send a witch to our palace in Crimea?"
The magician I am asking papa about performed tricks at a childrenʼs party. My sisters and I had a lot of fun watching him, for he did plenty of amazing things. He produced a pair of live pigeons from a pudding! After that, using only one hand, he grabbed a cute little guinea pig he had brought with him to carry out his enchantments and covered the tiny creature with his other hand for just a second, after which there were not one but two guinea pigs in his hand!
I wanted one of those fluffy little animals so badly! Tatiana and Maria did as well, so we got on the platform where he was performing. Tanechka was insistent: "Oh! Please, Mr. Conjuror, make me a guinea pig for myself!" But Miss Eagar told us that the little guinea pigs were so fond of their master they would be sad if taken away, so we went back to the hall.
Princess Helen enjoyed the show as much as we did. Mama liked it as well and even congratulated the performer, but I donʼt understand why. She takes all of Godʼs rules seriously.
Papa starts laughing out loud before I am even done recalling the party. He then clarifies that magicians are no witches, as they don't actually practice magic.
"How did he make the guinea pigs appear then?" I ask.
"I donʼt know, my dear", papa shrugs. "That is the real magic of magicians, they are able to perform extraordinary deeds without magic." I smile at papa because I love him too much not to, but his was not really a good answer.
I want to know how the magician made those pigeons and guinea pigs appear. Maybe my cousin Irina will help me figure it out when I see her and her little brothers again one of these days. My Tanechka is very smart, but Irina is older. I hope I can see my cousins soon. My cousins are a lot of fun to be around because they play very cheerful games. Besides, Aunt Xenia just had another baby boy named Rostislav, and I love babies.
"Are you excited for Christmas?" Papaʼs question distracts me from my thoughts.
"Yes, papa!" I jump from the bench. "For both of them!"
"I am glad to hear", papa also stands up. We keep walking.
"I am glad we are Russian so that we can have two Christmases", I say. "Cousin Ella says in Germany they donʼt have two Christmases", my words make papa chuckle. "You do know why we have two Christmases, right papa?"
"Oh, I do know, but I would like to hear why from you."
"We Russians use the Julian calendar, while other countries use the Gregorian calendar, which was created later. Our Christmas falls on January the 7th in the Gregorian calendar because it is thirteen days ahead of ours."
"That is right", papa nods. Talking with him about Christmas has made me miss Tatiana more than ever. I miss mama as well.
"I think I want to go back, papa", I admit. "I will tell mama that I am sorry." He asks me whether I am sure, and I assure him that I am.
"Do the two calendars confuse you when you are working?" I ask him as we turn around and start walking back towards the palace.
"Sometimes", he admits with a chuckle. "But I think our relatives abroad get confused more often." I giggle at that, imagining what it must be like for them.
"I hope Uncle Willy is very confused", I grin. Papa laughs out loud. I do too. Uncle Willy is the German Emperor, but we donʼt like him very much because he is very, very strange. He is obsessed with parades and always acts silly.
"What are you working on now, papa?" I inquire once the laughter subsides. I have always been interested in papaʼs job.
"I have been reading reports relating to the Far East", he replies.
"Oh! Is that like China? What is it about?"
We continue discussing his duties as we approach the palace. I like talking to papa about important, grown-up things.
The guards recognize and let us in, and as we walk through the long halls and towards the playroom, I can only think of how much I want to see my sisters again. I long to tell Tatiana stories so that we can recreate them with our dolls. Tatiana builds the best dollhouses using only sheets. I want to teach little Mashka things and make cute baby Anastasia laugh. I can only hope she is not too scared of me now...
But first I have to apologize to them, to my poor mama as well.
"This is going to be a magic Christmas", I tell papa as we arrive at the playroom. "It is not really magic, magic, though."
Mama will always love and forgive me, all while still wishing for me to be better. Her love is like Godʼs. I think of this as I spin my little Anastasia around and then play with her by chasing her throughout the room. I will be playing with her all evening, for she is the best at this game. Tatiana and Maria can come up with new pretty decorations.
The most magic part about tonight is that papa and mama are both playing with us four in the playroom.
I canʼt believe I actually had a chapter ready for Olgaʼs birthday, I feel so proud of myself.
For those who also follow my other story, I am working on another chapter, but I am having tons of homework these days.