So–

This story is actually inspired by another HA! fic on here with a similar premise, but that fic hasn't been updated in like a decade, so I wanted to get this out because it scratched a major creative itch in my brain.

Now, I basically made this so I can have something more light to work on in between struggling to drop another Bermuda chapter and working on October 8th (because turns out writing about CSA and general teen angst is pretty emotionally draining lol), mostly because tbh I have like... no motivation for Bow Princess or Hey Helga rn lmao

I also want to say, despite the tone of this fic, I do not mean to disrespect or downplay religion at all! I'm actually a pretty dedicated christian, this is just a funny romcom about a 'bad boy' trying to seduce the uptight bible thumper preacher's daughter lol.

So, with all of that being said, enjoy Chapter One of Church Girl: Get Back

No one liked Helga Pataki, Arnold Shortman included.

Okay, that was a lie, people did like Helga Pataki, but only religious zealots that were just as puritanical and insane as she was. And weirdos that were into that whole good girl christian shtick. And that one nerd that hung out with her regularly for some reason. All the normal people though? Couldn't stand her.

It was pretty sad, because the girl had potential. When they were children she wasn't really all that, but now? You'd have to be deaf, blind and stupid to not realize how attractive she had become. She had light blonde hair that looked incredibly soft, it used to be rather long, enough to reach her lower back; Arnold wasn't sure why, but he had heard something about certain subsects of christianity not cutting their hair, so maybe that was why. Whatever the reason why, after a particularly mean spirited prank from Rhonda Wellington-Lloyd and her gaggle of minions, Helga was forced to cut her Rapunzel locks down to a barely shoulder length bob.

She had very pretty blue eyes, they were clear, not eerily light but not dark enough to be green, and thick eyelashes that could be mistaken for false ones. She didn't cake any on — he was sure that was against some sort of church doctrine — but she wore minimal makeup, gloss, very light eyeshadow and blush. It didn't take away from or alter her beauty, more so enhanced it. Her lips were oddly plush, a soft peach even without any gloss on, and her face as angular, with slim cheeks and a sculpted jawline, a features she got from her father. Another feature she got from him, her most prominent, were her eyebrows. When they were kids, Helga was regularly teased for her unibrow, which was thick and dark and made up of a lot of hair, but as they grew up and she learned what tweezers were, her once accursed brow hair had become a blessing in disguise. She was now one of the lucky girls that didn't need to pencil in a new set of eyebrows before she left the house, and as Rhonda and her posse would reluctantly admit, thick and arched eyebrows were the totally in thing now.

Her figure was virtually unknown for a while, considering she hid it under heavy sweaters and long flowy skirts. It wasn't until she was practically forced to take part in gym one day that everyone saw that Helga seemed lucky in the body department. Most predicted she'd either be incredibly thin, or boxy-shaped, instead her shirt and short revealed a slim hourglass, with modestly sized yet defined curves, a moderate bust, and legs only seen on supermodels. Yes, it seemed that not only was she very pretty, she also had the body some of Rhonda's friends were starving themselves for.

She was near perfect, but her insistence of being the most insufferable holy soldier held her back from the glory she would otherwise deserve.

The Pataki family was known for how extremely 'Godly' they were, Bob was an overbearing pastor at Hillwood Community Church, and Miriam was a loud-mouthed and judgemental math teacher at Hillwood St. Mary's Catholic School, how she didn't manage to get her own daughter to attend it was unknown. Her older sister, Olga, had been just as zany with her beliefs, but the main difference between the two was that Olga was at least kind of nice about it. Helga? She actively scared people away from the church.

Being a school prefect since however long she could be one, and the 'Ethics Enforcer' (a role she completely made up), Helga had made it her goal to make everyone's high school life a misery. It wasn't the enough that she dressed like someone's grandmother and lived a boring existence of chastity, everyone else had do it too; girls couldn't come to school with a shirt higher than their knees or she'd get them dress coded, and God forbid they showed their midriff or shoulders. Boys weren't off the hook, excessive jewellery was flagged, flashy sneakers, even windbreakers were deemed unacceptable by her and her crew of hallway tyrants. Nails had to be kept short and unpatterned or boom, dress code.

Not only that, but she was adamant on making sure everyone was on their best behavior. No PDA was allowed, even holding hands was a stretch, and she would unironically monitor school dances to make sure hips weren't being touched and the music played was clean. If she even so much as caught wind of anyone drinking, smoking or doing anything else illegal? Best believe the school was informed in an instant. Needless to say, the teachers loved her, the student body hated her, and Helga didn't care because as far as she was concerned she was acting as an agent of the Lord.

It made Arnold's heart weep, seeing what could have been such a hot, 10/10 bombshell be ruined by pure insanity, she would have definitely been his type otherwise.

Arnold's group was often targeted by the harpy and her cronies, and while he didn't consider himself too bad of a kid, he certainly wasn't a goody goody. He and his friends smoked pot and skipped class, they hosted parties that had liquor and the occasional sex scandal, and admittedly they found themselves shoplifting when they were too lazy or low on cash to pay. Unlike Hell Girl Pataki, they actually wanted to have fun and remember their high school lives as being a good time. So, it wasn't surprising when they found the girl standing eerily at doorways and lockers, staring at them like Medusa turning a victim to stone, nor was it a shock if one of them stupidly mentioned party plans in front of her, only for that party to be shut down by outraged parents or law enforcement, such as the one hosted by Wolfgang the day before.

"It's like, 1949 with that bitch around," Arnold's buddy Sid grumbled, "I was this close to getting Amy Rhodes number too!"

"You mean 1989?" Gerald chuckled, "I get you though, just 'cause her lame ass dad keeps her inside reading bible quotes 24/7 don't mean she gotta ruin our fun."

"Fuckin' tell me about it!" came the voice of the only girl in the group, Ruth. Arnold had dated the older girl back when she still attended their high school, but they broke up after only a month or two. It was an amicable break up, and they were able to remain friends, with the girl still hanging out with them whenever college wasn't beating her ass. "Like damn! It barely started then boom, cops fuckin' everywhere!"

Everyone was particularly angry with her this time around, Rhonda hosted parties like it was a daily event, but no one could really get a party going like Wolfgang could. He may not have had a Wellington-Lloyd budget, but he had connections that Rhonda could only dream of; he knew where to get the best weed and the worlds greatest alcohol, and he knew DJs that would put Rhonda's to shame. Not only that, but the people that attended? Arnold couldn't lie, he knew some hot girls. It would be one of the best parties of the year, but somehow Priestess Pataki found out there would be underage smoking and drinking and suddenly the police were there before it even really started.

Ruth aggressively filed her nails, before then saying, "you know what she needs? Some dick, she very much gives single white repressed female, so maybe if some guy was willing to fuck her she'd finally get off our backs."

Arnold snorted, "and who's fucking Helga?"

"Not gonna lie, I would," Sid shrugged, "hey! I said she was an annoying bitch, I never said she wasn't hot."

"She'd be hotter if she didn't dress like Arnold's granny Gertie," Ruth giggled, playfully elbowing the aforementioned.

"Aye, Gertie got style, she put that shit one for real," Gerald laughed with a raise of his hands, "Prudetaki? Not so much."

Wolfgang, who had been stood up buy the window of their hangout, shrugged, "eh, not like she'd be receptive, I tried."

"Say swear?" Ruth guffawed, a loud laugh leaving her when Wolfgang nodded.

"I thought I could turn out the good girl, y'know? C'mon, every guy wants to be the one to bag preacher's daughter," he then shook his head, "I ain't lying when I say actually hit me with a bible and screamed that I was going to hell, and that she was already spoken for."

They all laughed at the image of Helga smacking Wolfgang with a literal bible, but it was Sid that then broke the laughter, "wait, spoken for? Someone's dating Helga?!"

"Poor dude," Gerald tittered, shaking his head, "prayers up."

Wolfgang hummed, "yup, apparently she's 'engaged', Bob probably promised her off to some mormon dude after graduation, don't care, all I know is unless whoever he is bangs her regularly, her and dick don't go together."

"I'm sorry, but being engaged at seventeen is nuts to me," Ruth scoffed, "if I were her I would've thrown a fit, she's probably gonna get married by eighteen and have a kid by nineteen, ew!" the brunette felt a shiver down her spine, "ruining your body and chances at dating around that young is like, my hell!"

"Tell me about, being a husband and dad before reaching twenty? Could never be me," Sid sighed dramatically, "and knowing that Patakis, she can't even deviate from that or she's bringing 'em shame or dishonor... I'd feel bad for if she wasn't a total cunt."

Gerald found himself laughing at his comment, but almost a second later he snapped his fingers in realization, "wait a second, you're right Sid!"

"I am?"

"Hell yeah you are! If the ever so holy Helga were to say... have pre-marital sex with a guy that wasn't her fiancé, or be caught in a relationship with someone else, well that would just ruin her, wouldn't it?"

"Bob would be pissed," Ruth then added on, "my cousin went to school with Olga, apparently old dude nearly popped a vessel when he found out she went on a single date."

Arnold tilted his head, "so where exactly are you going with this?"

"Duh? We gotta get someone to bag Helga! Hear me out, one of us guys gotta go seduce her, maybe even fuck her once or twice, and we gotta make sure there's proof, then we send said proof to her dad then BOOM, he'll probably send her to a nunnery or something, noooo more Hell Girl Prudetaki to ruin our high school lives!" Gerald then leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms behind his head, "it can't be me though, I already got my eye on someone, and Bob don't seem like the type to approve of, ahem, guys like me if you catch my drift, and I'm not trynna get beat by 400 pounds of roided up praise Jesus muscle."

Whilst everyone seemed to laugh or agree with Gerald's proposal, Arnold squinted his eyes, "look, I get that she's annoying, but is this really necessary? If the Patakis are really as serious about this as you claim they are, then this will genuinely ruin her entire life, is it really that deep?"

"How many lives do you think she's ruined?" Wolfgang spat, "ever since Ludwig got expelled for having weed in his pocket, his parents kicked him out! Now he's gotta work damn near daily at that shitty car repair spot just to make ends meet, all because she wanted to be a snitch."

"Yeah, and I remember when she ratted out Savannah for having vodka in her water bottle, when her parents found out she got her phone taken and they sent her to live with family in Albania! I literally haven't heard from her since." Ruth growled.

"What a shame..." said Sid in a soft, mournful tone, "she had the best tits too..."

Wolfgang rolled his eyes, flicking the dark haired teen in the head, "what I'm trying to say is, Prudetaki's ruined plenty of lives simply by being her annoying, busybody, self-centered self, we'd just be getting our get back."

When Arnold fell back in defeat, Gerald was quick to say, "so who's gonna do it? I ain't, and Ruth's got a boyfriend and I doubt Hell Girl even likes girls, so it's gotta be one of you three," when the three guys left awkwardly looked at each other, Gerald groaned, "how about y'all rock-paper-scissors it out? First one out's gotta rizz Prudetaki."

The three reluctantly agreed, and the second they had done a single round, Arnold wondered if he should have just stayed home that day. This was because as Sid and Wolfgang both threw out rock, Arnold's hand was stuck on scissors. Seeing this, Gerald boisterously laughed, wrapping an arm around his best friends neck, "guess it's Arnold's time to get some Prudetaki pussy."

"Ew, don't word it like that dude," Arnold grumbled, "whatever, I just gotta get her to like me enough to fuck up her little engagement, then it's all over, right?"

Gerald nodded, "yup, and don't forget to gather proof! I'm talking pictures, videos, steamy sexts—"

"Urgh, I don't even want to think of what Helga Pataki's sexts would look like," Ruth chortled, "oh my lovely guardian angel, blessed upon me thine holy cock so I may emotionally ascend into the realm where thou holy father layeth with the son and holy spirit, amen!"

As the group found themselves laughing hysterically, coming up with different ways they thought the uptight prefect would dirt talk, Arnold sat quietly, thinking on how the hell he'd even go through with this. Helga Pataki was an iron fortress of a woman, with a scowl that could render even the toughest men frozen in pure shock, she'd probably spit on him if he even got close, so he couldn't imagine how difficult it was going to be to get her in bed with him.

He groaned, he'd have to devise a whole plan for this, wouldn't he?

It was the very next day that Arnold initiated his plan to seduce Helga and ruin her engagement to whoever the hell.

He knew that immediate flirtation wouldn't work, Wolfgang tried that and he got hit upside the head with a bible, so he'd need to be more subtle about it. Helga was raised under a household that valued chastity, good behavior and general sexual repression, so if he approached her with his typical delinquent non-chalance, he would immediately shut him out and probably condemn him to damnation. So, he realized that the best way to go about this was to get Helga comfortable, ease he into a friendship, get close to her, and tantalize her with just enough seduction that she begins wanting him. That way, full-on seduction becomes a piece of cake.

It was fairly scummy, but the more he thought of it, the more he realized Wolfgang was right. Helga's rampant tyranny had ruined plenty of student's lives, so in a way she was getting what was coming to her. He felt a lot less guilty for it when he thought of it like that.

As expected, Arnold could see a very stand-out pink bow once he made his way into the school library. Unless she had a meeting with the rest of the student council, Helga spent her breaks and lunches in the library, studying. Her life seemed so boring, when she wasn't stalking the student body like a creepy kid in a horror movie, she was either studying or reading her bible. She never went to parties, didn't do any extra curriculars, and would go straight home after school, presumably to also either study or read the bible. Arnold couldn't imagine a life like that, one that was spent doing the same thing over and over again with no fun to break up the monotony.

But like Sid had said the day before, if she wasn't the absolute worst, he'd feel a little bad for her.

Arnold stood still when he got close to the girl, preparing what he was going to say and how he was going to say it. Taking in a breath, he walked up to the table Helga was seated at and took a seat in front of her. Almost immediately, her head shot up to face him, and for the split second her face held a neutral expression, Arnold had to admit that she truly did look beautiful up close.

That quickly vanished, when her typical sneering scowl found its way onto her face, "oh, it's you." she said, her voice dripping with venom and disapproval.

"Yeah, it's me," he nervously chuckled, "Ar—"

"Arnold Shortman, seventeen years of age, arrested twice for possession of marijuana, though the charges were dropped both times, friends with Wolfgang and his Delegation of Degenerates." she blandly said, "I know who you are."

Arnold flinched, he hadn't expected her to be a damn police database! Still, he wasn't going to let her scare him off, "then you know of my shortcomings, and it thus shouldn't be a surprise to you that I want to improve! I— uh — have been trying for some time, but my friends just keep pulling me back! I try to convince them to get better with me, but it hasn't worked... I realized that I've been falling behind on my schooling, and was hoping that you — being one of the most brilliant minds in school — would be able to help me by tutoring me a bit?"

Helga blinked, her scowl dropping a little, he... wanted help? This hadn't happened before, she had half expected him to attempt to flirt with her or yell at her because she put a stop to his bad behavior. But no, instead here stood a student who was going down the wrong path, acknowledged it, and was now trying to find his way back and maybe find Jesus too on the way. There he stood, a project for her. Her crystalline eyes glimmered, and she fluttered her eyelashes.

Noticing she had gone silent, Arnold quickly said, "you don't have to, I was just hoping—" his words were cut off when he felt a cold, yet perfectly manicured finger press against his lips.

Helga looked... creepy, to say the least. Her angry, judgemental scowl was gone, instead replaced with a dreamy smile, flushed cheeks and an aura that radiated joy. Her smile was pretty, and he should have been happy that she wasn't trying to kill him with her eyes, but for as long as he had known Helga Pataki he had never seen her smile before so this felt less like a win and more like a bad omen, "I would love to help you fix your ways and atone for your sins!" she happily sighed.

Well, Arnold didn't say all that, but it was better than nothing, "tha—"

"BUT!" she suddenly snapped, her face adopting a haughty pout, making Arnold jump suddenly from the suddenness of it all, "this had better not be as ploy for anything, I will not hesitate to tell my father if I feel used in any way, shape, or form."

"Gotcha—"

"AND I am not one of those floozy harlots you hang around, so any studying must be done either here or in the Hillwood Public Library because you will not be coming to my home and I will not be coming to yours, that is shameful."

"Okay—"

"NOT ONLY THAT but I take this very seriously, so I better see actual improvement in your academics or this will be nipped in the bud expeditiously."

"Bet—"

"LAST BUT NOT LEAST... you must attend church with me."

"Fine— wait huh?" Arnold blinked as the girl began to gather up all the notes she had taken during her time in the library.

"You heard me, I must see you ever Sunday at church or I will no longer help you fix your ways and atone for your past sins."

Arnold didn't even want to fix his ways or atone for his sins, he just wanted help studying! However, he remembered why he was doing this, it was a small price to pay for retribution, "fine, see ya this Sunday."

Yet again, Helga actually smiled, before picking up her things and turning her head, "well, lunch is almost over, so I shall be making my way to math, a class we both share together, I expect to see you there Shortman, no funny business!" and with that, she left the library, but not before flicking him on the back of the head.

Arnold grumbled, maybe retribution wasn't all that worth it after all.

Hehe this is gonna be fun, good to have some fun break up the dreariness I usually write about. Also, the cover is the image I used as a mental reference for Helga, do ig just assume that's how she looks? Lol, idc, use your imagination if you'd like. (Edit: the cover refused to work so just use your imaginations lol)

Don't forget to review, I always read em and it motivates me to get off my ass and update lol.