31st of August, 2000
Dear?
It is very late at night, and I am very tired, but I know that I have to log something today per my therapist's request even if it still feels strange to keep a diary, so here I am, writing. But writing like this feels different. I'm not used to talking about my feelings. I keep my emotions inwards, and I write only about things related to my studies. I don't know what to say.
I guess it's worth mentioning that I'm going back to Hogwarts tomorrow after two whole years. I'm quite excited but mostly nervous. I don't know how I'm going to fit back in. I am different now and I believe everything else will be too. I hope the castle has been built back up enough and I won't have to see ruins every step of the way. I'm glad Harry is coming back with me to keep me company at Hogwarts even though I wasn't expecting him to be so keen on coming back – I suppose he still feels like Hogwarts is more his home than anything else. I'm even more glad Ron isn't coming with us. Things have been weird and awkward between us since I decided to break up with him, although it's been six months and he seemed to have moved on, I still can't look him in the eye. I don't feel guilty for breaking up, but it still feels strange. Spending time with the Weasley family is no longer my favorite pastime, which is unfortunate because Mr and Mrs Weasley helped me a lot after the war ended.
I'm glad to have my own place – it's a one-bedroom flat in downtown London, but it's eerie and empty since I didn't feel like decorating it throughout the months I spent here – I knew I would be going back to Hogwarts. I feel lonely a lot of the times and the I get reminded of that every time I enter this flat. I have no parents anymore and I have grown distant from my friends. I'm trying not to be sad, but sadness comes almost every day. Mostly because I don't have anyone to talk to. Harry is busy with his life and the celebrity status he gained after the war, and I spent most of my time studying niche topics to keep my mind off things now that the moving is over. And talking to my therapist once a week who has seemingly given up trying to make me open up to the world more. Since I'm leaving for Hogwarts, she gave me this assignment – to keep a diary and send daily logs to her if I feel like it from time to time. She didn't specify that I have to do it, only if I want to, so I will probably send the logs to her more often than not.
It's almost midnight and I have to wake up early tomorrow. I've packed all of my things already, only Crookshanks left, but he's a good boy and promised to be nice tomorrow.
So, that's it.
PS: I just reread what I had written and realized how ineloquent I am when it comes to my own thoughts. I had half a mind to edit the whole entry but decided against it. It needs to be raw and real, that's what my therapist said. So that's what it's going to be. Even if the raw text makes my skin crawl.
Hermione's alarm woke her up with a start from a nightmare that had just began, and the remnants of the horror in her dreams had already begun dissipating when she jumped out of bed to brush her teeth and put on an outfit she had set aside the night before. She called out a cab that drove her with all her things to the Kings Cross station where Harry was already waiting for her. The smile he gave her upon greeting gave out nothing, but his eyes were always the most telling. She gave her friend a tight hug, holding Crookshanks in her other hand carefully, trying to stay away from cat-related catastrophe.
"Did you sleep well?" Harry asked.
Hermione gave him a look. "I could ask you the same thing."
Harry scratched the back of his head anxiously, tousling his black hair. "Yeah, I couldn't sleep at all. I think I was scared, but I don't know what scares me. You know, every year that I went to Hogwarts something life threatening would happen to me. And I'm not even talking about the Battle of Hogwarts. What if it still looks the same, I mean, the castle?"
"It won't look the same, Harry, they will have renovated everything, otherwise they wouldn't have organized a new school year."
"I guess you're right… And still I'm scared."
Hermione's gaze softened. "I understand," she said. "I am too. But it's just a feeling. Voldemort is gone and nothing bad will happen to us. Once we realize that, we won't be scared anymore," she promised, saying things she only half believed in.
When Harry seemed as convinced as he could be, they ran through the wall to the other side. The familiar sight of the beloved Hogwarts Express and the buzzing of schoolchildren made her nerves calm a bit, and she heard Harry sigh in relief by her side. Nothing bad was going to happen to them. She truly believed that. This year was for healing.
They climbed into the train and, unfortunately, this is where their ways parted. Harry turned to the compartments and Hermione went to the where the Head Boy and Girl were to meet. Ron's place was taken by a Ravenclaw seventh year who was three years younger than her. They greeted each other politely and, when train began to move, made their rounds to make sure everyone had found their seats, and nothing was out of the ordinary. After that was done, she sat down by the window and started reading her book. The Ravenclaw Head Boy whose name was Jack Corduroy, did the same.
Two hours into the journey, she decided that she should journal about her first impressions when a baby owl flew into their compartment with a letter addressed to her. It was professor Slughorn inviting her to join him and some "other exquisite students" in his compartment for a cup of tea and biscuits, but Hermione quickly scribbled a note politely declining his invitation because she simply didn't feel like meeting a bunch of other new people right now. Her therapist would disagree, but she wanted to put her peaceful reading time first.
The rest of the six-hour journey went buy fast, Hermione even managed to fit in a half-hour nap. She changed into her uniform quickly and went out of the train into the cool night air.
She carried Crookshanks like a baby in her arms, rushing toward the carriages when she heard someone shout, "Hermione, wait!" and catch up with her once her steps faltered. It was Harry.
"How was the ride?" he asked when they started walking step by step.
"I started and read all of my book," she said.
"Didn't Slughorn send you an invitation to Slug Club?"
Hermione nodded, "He did."
"Why didn't you come then?" Harry asked, frowning.
"I just didn't feel like it," Hermione admitted.
"I thought your therapist told you to socialize more."
Hermione sighed, "She did. Look, I promise I will accept his other invitation, okay? He will probably throw a dinner party mid-September, that's when I will come, okay?" she said, climbing into one of the free carriages.
"If you won't, I'll drag you there," he threatened, following after her.
"Anyway, how was it? The Club?" she inclined.
"There were six of us, it was quite tedious since no one had anything to say, but the food and drinks were good…" he gazed sideways at someone who climbed in last to drive with them, "Oh, and Neville was with me, so not that boring."
Hermione turned. "Oh, hi, Neville. How was your, uhm, I would normally ask, summer? But how was your… year?"
"Surprisingly good," Neville admitted, an excited glint in his eyes. "As I told Harry, I did an internship in one of the kindergarten last year, and this year my program will be entirely focused on becoming a professor at Hogwarts once I'm graduated."
"That's wonderful news, Neville. What subject will you teach?" she asked.
"Herbology," Neville answered.
"Wouldn't expect anything else. You're really good at it."
Neville's face turned bright red at her compliment. "Thanks… Professor Slughorn said he's expecting great things from me."
"Coming back to Slughorn," Harry interrupted. "Guess who else joined us at Slug Club?"
Hermione tried to think but nothing surprising came to mind.
"I've no idea."
"Malfoy and Zabini. It's like Slughorn's collecting Death Eaters or something."
Hermione sighed, "Harry, they're not Death Eaters, they haven't been for quite some time."
"As if anyone believes that," he huffed.
"Well, I believe that. I believe that people can change. Firstly, Voldemort's gone, so why would Death Eaters still exist?"
"Oh, I don't know, maybe because evil didn't simply cease to exist just because Voldemort's dead, Hermione?" he said in a tone that implied she was the one being irrational.
"You cannot come back here expecting enemies to surround you at every corner, Harry. Besides, if they were still Death Eaters, why would they come back to Hogwarts?"
Harry narrowed his eyes. "To scheme."
Hermione sighed. "No one is scheming anything. There were strict entry check-ups this year. If anyone was hiding something, the school would know."
Harry didn't let go. "I still don't trust them."
"You don't have to trust them, I doubt you will see much of them," she said.
"Except in Slug Club," Neville added. "By the way, have you heard Malfoy's father died this summer?"
Both Harry and Hermione nodded.
"It must be rough for Malfoy," Hermione said quietly.
"Rough? Hermione, you and I will probably never see our parents again, and his father deserved to be in Azkaban and deserved to die there."
"He was sorry in the end. And you did everything you could that his mother wouldn't be put into Azkaban," she reminded him softly.
"Narcissa's different," Harry said, looking away. "She saved me. Without her, who knows what would've happened… But I doubt Malfoy shares his mothers sentiments."
Hermione took Harry's hand between her palms. "There is nothing to be scared of," she told him, looking into his eyes. And for the first time that day he seemed to truly believe her.
The Great Hall was cozied up and decorated to fit the festive mood. Hermione, Harry and Neville sat down at the Gryffindor table. Neville asked how she spent the past two years, but, unfortunately, Hermione had nothing interesting to say, only mentioned the moving to the flat.
"What about your parents? Haven't you tried contacting them?" Neville asked.
Hermione tried to swallow the lump that had formed in her throat before speaking, but unsuccessfully.
"Yeah, I did, but… I obliviated them, so they will never remember me. I tried to explain things to them, vaguely, of course. But they didn't seem to be very interested in me. I guess they enjoy being a child-free couple after all," she finished with a sad laugh.
"I'm very sorry…" Neville said.
"Oh, it's fine, I'm already used to living and being alone. Being adult is just like this, it seems."
Fortunately, that's where their conversation had to end because first-years sorting had begun. Hermione tried to listen to the names and look at the children, but she kept getting distracted. First, by the memories of this very Great Hall filled with bodies of the dead and the injured, but she tried her best not to think about it, pushing the memories out of her head. To distract herself from the unwelcome distraction she started looking around, trying not to be too obvious that she was looking for one specific person. While she was searching with her eyes unsuccessfully, someone sat down next to her and only then did Hermione realized the sorting had ended and her plate filled itself with food.
"Hey, Hermione," Parvati greeted her with inspecting eyes as if she could explode at any moment.
Hermione tried to smile. "Hey."
Parvati started clenching her hands anxiously and Hermione couldn't understand why she was being like this.
"Listen, Hermione, I really hope things won't be awkward between us this year…"
Hermione's eyes widened. "Why would things be weird?" she asked, genuinely lost for once.
"You know…. Because of… Ron and Padma…" Parvati whispered and went silent, waiting for Hermione's reaction.
"Oh, that. Don't worry, Parvati, me and Ron broke up amicably, I have absolutely no hard feelings for him or your sister. Truly, I hope all the best for them," she said honestly.
Parvati seemed surprised and disbelieving. "Okay… I'm glad… But still, I'm very sorry you and Ron are not together anymore…"
"It was actually my idea to end things," Hermione admitted. "It just didn't seem we were a good fit any longer. He wanted one thing, and I wanted something else. I'm glad he moved on." She hated speaking about her relationships in front of other people, but Parvati seemed truly anxious, and she wanted to calm her down. Apparently, it was working.
"Oh, that's good," Parvati sighed in relief. "So, I'll see you at the dorm tonight?"
"No, I'm sorry," Hermione said apologetically. "I'm Head Girl this year, so Professor McGonagall assigned me a separate room…"
She was sad to see Parvati's face fall at her words. Hermione, Parvati and Lavender used to be roommates, but now with Lavender dead and Hermione Head Girl, Parvati was the only one left.
"I'm sorry," Hermione repeated.
Parvati tried to smile just like her. "Don't worry about it. We'll plan some study sessions next week, okay?"
Hermione smiled back and nodded.
Parvati turned around and left just as stiffly as she had come.
With the now-open space in Parvati's place opened a new field of vision where Hermione saw exactly what she was looking for, who she was looking for. He was sitting at the Slytherin table, as expected, with his head down and his body uninterested in anything happening around him. The whole silver gang was by his side – Blaise Zabini, Theodore Nott and Pansy Parkinson, but he didn't talk to any of them. He didn't touch his food. He was bigger than she remembered, taller, wider, even while sitting down. Hermione was surprised that he was so different from what she remembered, but since he wasn't looking, she had plenty of time to inspect him. His face was paler and harsher, his lips set downwards, his hands formed fists at his sides as if he physically wouldn't be able to stretch them out. Suddenly she wished she had gone to Slughorn's meeting if only to look at him more closely. A moment later her wish came true, at least partially, because he looked up as if he could feel her eyes on him, and she met his steel grey eyes – the look in them was so harsh that it could slice her skull open if only he wished to take her brains out and inspect it from up close.
Hermione swiftly turned away, but the damage was done, he caught her staring. She breathed out shakily, hoping that he didn't think she was suspecting him of still being a Death Eater. She had a feeling that their paths would cross inevitably. She hoped they would.