A/n: Gonna do this one a tad bit different, because the idea in my head right now might not allow for the actual lyric to be mentioned, more just the theme of it, but I don't think any of you really care. This fic was og gonna be on Nikolai and Zoya, but then I was like, wait, it'd make more sense with Nina and Matthias because of their tragic love story which I so adore but rips me apart every time because they don't get to live it out fully ToT

This would be set during Crooked Kingdom when Matthias dies, so just be warned. I reread the scene for this so appreciate my sacrifice okay, that scene is so sad. Anyway, this fic can't fit exactly into the canon scene, so just read it as a bit of an au or canon divergence that is equally sad. If you're emotional, maybe keep a tissue nearby lol.

Before her, he'd only ever know a love for his country.

Before her, he'd seen her kind as the enemy without ever really knowing them.

Before her, he'd been so different, so narrow-minded and cold, and now he was full of warmth, her warmth. Before her, he'd blindly followed orders from his commander, knowing that to do anything but was treason and why would he want to be treasonous anyway? But once he'd met her, he'd gladly be called a traitor if it meant living his life with her. She was so much more than his blind loyalty to his country. She had shown him love, life, and waffles. Everything he was now, was because of her.

Until she'd betrayed him. Gotten him locked up in a jail for a crime he didn't commit and he remembered why she was the enemy. His heart ripped out without her even needing to touch the powers that could do it for her. Or maybe she'd been using her powers all along and all those feelings he'd felt had been fake, or manipulated, or something because it disgusted him that he'd felt those things for an untrustworthy drüje like her. Everything he was now, was because of her.

Love then betrayal then… then she'd come back. For him. To save him, to beg him to forgive her because she hadn't meant to get him locked up and he had it all wrong and she loved him. But he didn't love her anymore.

Except he did. Fake feelings, heartrender manipulation or whatever it was, he still felt it. Hated himself for it, but couldn't deny that it was still there. Love. For her. And everything she'd shown him, and made him feel, even if it was fake, he longed for again. Longed for her. So he'd gone with her out of the jail, reluctantly, half because he hated her, and half because he knew if he spent time with her again he'd love her once more and it would only end in heartbreak for him because he'd let himself have a heart in the first place. Everything he was now, was because of her.

He'd been right to be reluctant. He knew himself and he knew her, and slowly and against his will, he'd let himself have a heart again. Let her have his heart again. And this time, she'd held it close and not broken it again. The warmth slowly replaced the cold and doubt, the love slowly replaced the hate and reluctance, and the life slowly replaced the grudge and the stoic. Everything he was now, was because of her, and this time, he loved her for it.

He loved her. With all of his full and open heart now, he loved her, just as she'd proven herself to truly love him.

He should have known better though. He should have known Djel would have other plans for him, for them. Perhaps it was payment for his betrayal of his country by being with the enemy, perhaps it was payment for his betrayal of her by not believing her love, and his own. Whatever it was, fate had other plans.

So here he stood before the love of his life, his life which was soon ending, embracing her for the last time. Everything he was, was because of her, but he didn't want everything she was to be because of him. He didn't want her warmth to turn to cold without him to spark the fire; he didn't want her love to turn to hate at the world for taking her love; he didn't want her life to be one stuck on his death.

Instead, he smiled as he took in every detail of her beauty. Even as her expression turned to horror and heartbreak when she saw the blood, he still smiled. Because he didn't want her last memory of him to be his pain. And because his last memory, the last thing he'd see would be her.

Even if she was crying, and panicking, it was still her, and that's all he cared about. Everything he was, was because of her and would be until his dying breath.

"Smile for me, Nina," he whispered, as he used the last of his energy to lift his hand to her face, brushing away her tears. He could see her fighting her emotions to fulfil his last wish, and finally, as weak and watery and pained as it was, it was still her gorgeous smile.

That smile was the last thing he saw before he died.

Her love died in her arms.

All the love she had left to give was gone with the life of the man before her.

"Let me see your smile." His last request to her, one she'd almost not fulfilled because she didn't want to believe it was his last request to her.

They'd been through so much together. It couldn't all end now, after they'd finally gotten through it all, after they'd survived all the hardships life had put them through to test their love, their that would now be forever unfulfilled.

Two soldiers on opposite sides of the war, with every reason, every belief to hate each other only to surpass all of that, overcome their very core beliefs to love each other. They'd started off as each other's only hopes for survival, and now couldn't survive without each other. At some point in between, she'd broken his heart and he'd broken hers but they'd gotten over it.

Except now, this was something she didn't think she'd be able to get over.

Her eyesight blurred, his face blurring in her vision, his still smiling face at seeing her smile. Soft small hands pulled her in and wrapped around her as she cried into Inej's body, sobs wracking her body even harder because it wasn't Matthias comforting her, and it never would be again.

Somewhere along the way, he'd become her everything, and now he was gone. He'd been quiet where she'd been loud, careful when she'd been impulsive, and now he was dead where she was alive, but just as lifeless without him. He completed her, but now it was just her left. How was she to go on?

She felt numb as Inej helped her up, wanting to protest, wanting to stay with him and not leave him here, but she couldn't do anything. All she could do was spare a quick glance at Matthias' impossibly peaceful face as all the peace in her life disappeared.

It's been a year since Matthias died and so much had changed.

The scar that it had left hadn't exactly healed, but at least now she had found a way to move on. If he'd still been here, he would have helped her move past it, but he wasn't so she'd had to find someone else. It'd been difficult, but now she had Hanne by her side. When she woke up with a bad dream about Matthias, Hanne would be there to comfort her, light the matches for the lamp so she wouldn't be so lost in the darkness.

It'd taken time, but she'd learnt to draw stars around her scars, live with them and be better for it even if they did bleed every now and again.

A/n: So, I feel like it would have been better if I ended this fic after Matthias' bit, but I wanted to have a bit of Nina and to incorporate the other prompts too (totally didn't forget about the middle two until I thought I was done and that's why I had to add the little bit at the end, yk?).

Anyway, no time to dwell on it because I still have two more to write before I catch up to Whumptober, as well as study and put up Halloween decorations. Too much to do and so little time to do it. ToT

Stay safe and see ya soon.

- CrowofArcadiaOaks