Chapter 8: Act 1 Part 3: Mr Coconuts and Achmed

The audience continued to cheer as Jeff brought Achmed the Dead Terrorist onto the stage in his normal sitting position. The terrorist also had his eyebrows scrunched down and eyeballs moving as he's always itchin' to kill a few infidels.

Lucy saw Ached and had a look of amusement on her face. "Ok that looks wicked."

"Achmed looks scary." Leni said.

"He's a puppet Leni." Lori said.

The audience stopped cheering as Jeff spoke up. "Good evening Achmed."

"Good evening." Achmed said in a bit of a Dracula accent. "Infidel."

The audience laughed as Achmed then looked at Luan and Me. Coconuts. "I see you've made new infidel friends tonight."

"That's right. Achmed, meet Luan Loud and Mr. Coconuts." Jeff introduced Luan and Mr. Coconuts to Achmed.

"Hi Achmed." Luan and Mr. Coconuts greeted.

"Hello little infidels." Achmed greeted back as the audience laughed. "Why is Luan not wearing a headscarf?"

"Achmed you do realize this is America not the Middle East. And Luan is certainly not a muslim." Jeff replied.

"America? The mass shooting capital of the world?" Achmed asked.

"No." Jeff answered.

"The birthplace of AIDS?" Achmed asked.

"No." Jeff answered.

"The country stupid enough to vote for a buffoon like Donald Trump as president?"

"Uhh. Sorta." Jeff said making the audience laugh.

"Ha! I'm right." Achmed said. "I got a joke for you guys! Knock knock!"

"Who's there?" Luan and Mr. Coconuts asked.

"Me. Happy 9/11!" Achmed said as the audience laughed.

"Hey! That's not funny at all!" Mr. Coconuts said with a frown.

"Sorry, I meant happy January 6th! Happy now?" Achmed said as the audience laughed harder.

"Jeez Achmed. Why are you so terror able?! Hahaha! Get it?" Luan asked.

"First, lame joke." Achmed said. "Second, I'm a terrorist. Evil is pretty much in our nature!" The audience laughed.

"So you're actually a terrorist?" Mr. Coconuts asked.

"Yes." Achmed answered. "I am what you call a terrifying… terrorist. And a professional suicide bomber."

"But aren't you already dead?" Luan asked.

"What? No I'm not! Who told you that?!" Achmed asked.

"Well duh. You're literally just bones and you're called 'Achmed the dead terrorist. Not too hard to figure out. Hahaha!" Mr. Coconuts laughed.

"And your life must already be too short. Hahaha!" Luan laughed as the audience laughed with her.

"First of all, this is a flesh wound! Second, you said my name wrong it's Achmed!" Achmed said.

"That's what we said. Achmed." Mr. Coconuts said not saying it correctly.

"No you just called me Akmed it's Achmed! Aaacccchhhhmed!" Achmed corrected the pronunciation making the audience laugh.

"And third, I feel great! Better than ever! I even got all my Covid shots all done!" Achmed said as the audience laughed. "SILENCE!!! I KEEL YOU!!"

"Wow! Looks like you got quite the explosive temper! Hahahaha! Get it?" Mr. Coconuts joked as the audience laughed.

"How many Covid shots did you take anyhow Achmed?" Luan asked.

"Uhhhh. One to too many? I don't know I lost count." Achmed said making the audience laugh. "Hey! It's not funny! I'm trying to stay healthy to be one with Allah!"

"Wow. You're not only a workaholic with your terrorism but you're a healthaholic too!" Mr. Coconuts laughed.

"And I bet you're one of those white males who stupidly voted for Donald Trump as President am I wrong?" Achmed asked.

"I never voted." Mr. Coconuts said.

"And I'm too young to vote." Luan said.

"Then your infidel states of America is already dead to me. I might retire early." Achmed said making the audience laugh.

"But you're dead." Jeff said.

"The news is lying to you!" Achmed said making the audience laugh. "SILENCE!!! I KEEL YOU!!!"

Suddenly Achmed's feet fell off his seat and are dangling in the air making the audience laugh more!

"What the hell happed to my feet?!" Achmed asked making the audience laugh!

"Are your legs ok? Hahaha!" Mr. Coconuts asked.

"Yeah. They look 'broken' to me! Hahahahaha!" Luan laughed.

"They're FINE!!!" Achmed shouted. "Just a little wardrobe malfunction! A simple fix!"

Jeff was helping Achmed but the "simple fix" was much more difficult than they thought and it was more hilarious to everyone!

"Son of a bitch! What the hell?!" Achmed shouted as Jeff was trying to fix his feet. "Ah! Ah! Get me fixed already!"

The audience continued to laugh as Achmed is finally fixed. "STOP LAUGHING AT ME!!! ILL KEEL YOU!!!"

"Hold on! I can fix this!" Jeff said as he lifted Achmed in the air.

"Oh holly crap! I'm in the air! I'm afraid of heights!" Achmed shouted making everyone laugh. "I think I just twisted a ligament!"

Finally, Achmed is fixed and is in his normal sitting position.

"There. Better?" Jeff asked.

"Yes." Achmed answered. "My ass feels so much better."

The audience laughed as Walter spoke from the box. "You idiot! You don't have an ass!"

Achmed gasped as he recognized that voice. "Is that Walter?!"

"Yeah." Luan answered. "Why?"

"He scares the crap out of me!" Achmed answered.

"That's ironic. A dead terrorist that looks like a Halloween decoration being scared." Luan laughed.

"Yeah. Maybe Walter can put you on display on his front lawn for Halloween! That would literally be the bomb! Hahahaha! Get it?!"

The audience laughed as Achmed then had a confused look on his face and moved his eyes left and right before turning to Luan and Mr. Coconuts. "Seriously?" He asked.

The audience laughed as he asked again. "Seriously?"

"What?" Luan and Mr. Coconuts asked.

"You guys are comedians right?" Achmed asked.

"Yeah." The duo answered.

"Your jokes make me actually want to inhale Walter's farts for a change than hear that." Achmed said making the audience laugh.

"And if you ask me, putting a decoration that looks like a Muslim is just as bad as making a decoration that looks like a black guy hanging on a noose." Achmed said making the audience laugh.

"We don't do that." Luan said. "That's literally racist."

"Ever been to the offices of Charlie Hebdo?" Achmed said. "It was forced to close early because of things like that. You're welcome! Now I can take my many virgin wives on their honey moon in Paris without the infidels making fun of us!" The audience laughed.

"At least they aren't dark jokers like you Achmed. You gotta give them that." Jeff said.

"Yeah! I laugh at their jokes as much as I laugh at your torment! Hahahahaha!" Walter said from the box making Achmed horrified again.

Luan and Mr. Coconuts laughed. "Uh oh! There's Walter again!" Luan laughed.

"Ok let's move on before Walter gets me!" Achmed said as the audience laughed.

"So Achmed. Since Luan and Mr. Coconuts are the next big comedians and puppeteers. Any advice you can give them?" Jeff asked.

"Uh well. I can say take it after me. I joke about anything, even death itself." Achmed. "If anything that pops in your head and it's funny do it. Don't worry about the infidels who can't take a joke, cuz they don't know you at all."

"Like you did with Charlie Hebdo?" Jeff asked.

"DIFFERENT!" Achmed shouted making the audience laugh."

"It's not different." Jeff said.

"Whatever!" Achmed continued. "The point is, you two look like you got passion like my praise for Allah! Keep going and you'll go far!"

Luan and Mr. Coconuts smoked. "Thanks Achmed." Mr. Coconuts said.

"Nice words from a terrorist!" Luan said. "Glad we became friends."

"Me too for a pair of infidels." Achmed said. "And I will not keel any of you."

The audience laughed. "Ok Achmed time to go cuz we got one more friend to introduce to our new friends tonight."

Achmed was horrified. "No. No! NO! Don't put me back in the box with Walter! NO!"

Jeff put Achmed back in the box as he screamed in horror making the audience laugh.

The audience laughed even harder as Walter unleashed his horrible elderly gas on Achmed making the terrorist scream. "ALLAH FRICKIN DAMNIT! I KEEL YOU!!!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Walter laughed evilly as the audience laughed and cheered.

"Well everyone that was certainly a blast for tonight!" Jeff said.

"I'll say Jeff!" Luan said happily.

"We had one 'explosive' time with Achmed tonight.

"I'm glad!" Jeff said. "Now we have one more friend to introduce you to tonight before we move on to Darci and her friends!"

The audience cheered as Jeff spoke up. "Ladies and Gentlemen! Give it up for our happy beer drinking hillbilly friend Bubba J!"

The audience cheered!