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Ch.65- "Perspective"
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He found the clutter comforting. One would think that clutter of any type would be the antithesis of a man who craved control as desperately as Erwin did- one of his first acts as the newly instated commander of the Survey Corps had been to dedicate the better part of three afternoons to removing every personnel file that had accumulated over the last fifty years and organize them properly. The letter and deeds and things that definitely couldn't be misconstrued as blackmail hidden beneath his drawers and under his mattress and floorboards had been arranged in such a way that an outsider who found them could get a fairly accurate idea of just how much of a threat to the Corps' continued existence Erwin considered certain members of the conservative faction just by how thick a certain stack of papers was. Stepping into Hange's office, with its dogeared books laying open on every available surface and stacks of paper with not a single edge in alignment produced a visceral, physical reaction in him that made the section commander cackle whenever they spotted it.
But that was work. If Commander Smith stepped into the house he shared with Thomasin, he would have cringed so hard that ramrod straight spine would have snapped, so Commander Smith stayed in Trost and Erwin moved the mountain of books from the chair and divided them up between the slightly smaller mountains of books on the table so he could sit as he did up his buttons.
It had been a gradual process, starting when Thomasin had fished out the old, somewhat outdated, physiology textbook to show him what human nerves looked like. All of the books she'd brought from Calaneth had remained at the bottom of trunks and boxes and bags for the duration of her stay in Wall Rose- there was no point in unpacking when one had no intention of staying. The house was a temporary stop, a shelter to stay in for a few nights before she would inevitably be shuffled off to another. Transience was a curse that loomed over Thomasin's head like a blade… and yet, after she'd shown him what he needed to see and closed the book, she didn't put it away. It took up residence atop the closed trunk, where it was soon joined by two more books with peeling, faded covers and fraying pages.
He'd flipped open one of them, taking note of the poorly-inked woodblock illustrations of segmented body parts before realizing that it was a medical text he had no hope of comprehending (his father had taught him a few letters of the old tongue, but even if he could read a sentence or two, he would inevitably stumble over a word he couldn't make heads or tails of and completely lose the plot. Language was hard; he wondered if there were scholars who studied nothing but how something like "ðan" became "then").
As more books came out, they were slowly moved from the bedroom to the sitting room, multiple tomes left open on the kitchen table only meant to be moved slightly to the side during meals (no more eggs. Erwin had bought a basket of eggs in Trost and even though Thomasin had prepared them, she immediately spat out the one bite she took, proclaiming them to be the most foul thing she'd ever tasted. They tasted fine to him, but even the sight of them made her nausea return and after eating one meal outside, he had no desire to do so again). He sometimes asked what they were all for only to receive the most technical of answers- "reading". The amount of books usually didn't increase by the time he returned from work, but the available space in the kitchen almost always decreased. Gone were those days of returning to a dark, silent house (returning before midnight probably had something to do with that).
The glowstone lanterns remained uncovered and the smell of soup and bread would usually be undercut by something acrid or bitter, coming from whatever would be bubbling on the oil burner. Jars and bottles would line the counter as Thomasin sat watching something boil, absentmindedly stirring whatever was in the pot on the stove. She never offered an explanation as to what she was doing other than occasionally making an aside mostly to herself but loud enough for him to hear, usually lamenting the loss of the equipment she'd had access to in Shiganshina. He'd asked what was going on.
Once.
("What are you making?" "Don't worry about it." "Well, I'm going to worry about it now!" "…it's something that's definitely not poison…" "Who are you trying to poison!?" "Don't worry about it!")
It took a few days of passively noticing the accumulation of stuff to realize why weaving around it made him smile, and the realization didn't truly dawn until he had said… something at dinner and she'd thrown some sort of dried berries at him and they'd both begun laughing.
The house was big- all the clutter made it feel smaller. That old apartment in Shiganshina was tiny and cramped and far too hot in the summer and it leaked when it rained and it felt like home. Those early years where what little silence there had been was never cold or awkward and his life and thoughts and feelings had all been so simple, the same as the precious few years he'd had with his father; that was what home felt like, and when the house in Trost was cluttered and smelled like food and medicine, and crackling logs and bubbling liquid settled over the gaps in speech like a light snow, it made him glad he didn't die in Shiganshina.
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Horses took up a lot of space and generally didn't do well on boats, which was why the Crown afford the Survey Corps special vouchers to hand to the ferryman, essentially buying the ferry out for the journey north. Given how early it was, the Trost dock was virtually deserted, but by the time they got to Mitras, it would be far more crowded. But they could ride the rest of the way from there.
The Survey Corp rarely dealt with vast changes in elevation. While the land within the Walls (Paradis; it was called Paradis, but Erwin just couldn't make himself think of it as such) was arranged so that each territory rose higher than the last culminating with a capital that was essentially tucked in the mountains, expeditions did not take them inland. Barring the Schafsweg Pass, the path from Trost to Shiganshina was such a gentle slope that unless one was looking north from the south, they wouldn't even notice it, and not once in the seven years that he'd ventured outside Wall Maria had he seen a hill taller than four meters.
But to get from Trost to Utopia, one had to contend with an incline that grew steeper the farther in one got. And traveling up and down a mountain on hoof would take nearly as much time as circumnavigating Wall Rose, and even though that was exactly what they would have had to do just six months ago, times were changing. The people who stopped and stared in the street did not do so with contempt in their eyes, but pride, calling out to them and offering up salutes and lifting their children so they could better see the Heroes of Humanity. Where were they going? Probably off to train to defeat those Marleyan devils once and for all, and Erwin wished he had two hands just so he could cover his ears.
"You're ungrateful, you know that?" Levi didn't waste his time trying to ease into conversation. "Shadis would've whored out his grandmother to be as beloved by the public as you."
"I don't recall telling him to retire; if he'd stuck it out for five more years, he could be the one bathing in adulations and subjected to Hange's dental exams…" This wasn't Erwin's doing, not really. Had it not been for events set in motion by Grisha and Marley, he would not have found himself with a Titan under his command. He would not have stood in opposition of the government, no matter how cruel they had been because The Truth would still be intangible, something only to be found beyond the Walls, and they would have gladly let him continue leading stupid, hungry children to their deaths, doing their job of culling the population for them. They probably wouldn't have ever discovered for certain that Titans were the cursed, shambling corpses of humans who'd been handed a sentence worse than death. Erwin made the most of the boons that fell into his lap, but any idiot could have done that, even an idiot like Shadis… probably.
The heavily laden saddlebags jostled and clattered softly as they led their steads onto the cobbled streets. Some of them were reluctant to step onto the incline of the ramp, pulling against their reins as they were eased down. Temperament could be bred for and most prey instincts could be trained away, but no horse willingly set hoof on a ramp. A group of boys, no older than ten, watched them. They spoke amongst themselves in excited tones with wide smiles (save for one who was more focused on scowling at the soldiers than his companions conversation). Two of them pushed one forward, urging him to "go on!", and on shaking legs, he approached them.
"What are you doing?" Even with the sounds of the city and the river and iron shoes on stone, a pocket of silence had always enveloped the Scouts. Civilians did not speak to them on the street, unless it was to drunkenly complain about what freeloaders they were. Or, when their words were directed at Erwin directly, to accuse him of being a murderous demon. But the times, they were a-changing. His tongue glued itself to the roof of his mouth as he looked down at the boy, immaculately dressed, his hair neatly combed. 'Didn't anyone ever teach you to stay away from strangers…?' Children weren't supposed to talk to strangers… unless they were soldiers. Silver thread gleaming on their breast, keeping the King's peace… Hange, never one to shy away from an audience, stepped forward, grinning widely.
"Well, my curious young chum, we are on our way to run a battery of fun and exciting tests on Titans!"
"But the Titans are down in Wall Maria!" Another boy protested.
"Ah, but perhaps you've heard of a few special Titans. Like the one that sealed the gates in Trost and Shiganshina." The three boys that had been speaking beamed with excitement, eagerly declaring such a thing as "cool".
"Like the ones that showed up in Stohess?" The previously silent boy finally spoke up, his voice bitter and raw with loathing as tears began welling in his eyes. "My uncle lived in Stohess until a Titan crushed his apartment and broke both his legs. The Garrison soldiers couldn't pull him out for days and he died! What were you sealing up then?!" The other boys turned on him, all of them frowning.
"They were catching one of those Marleyan devils that broke through Wall Maria!"
"Yeah! That's how they're gonna beat Marley- by taking all their Titans and using them against them!"
"My uncle isn't Marleyan; why did they have to kill him!?" The anger gave way to sorrow as the boy ran off sobbing. The other boys watched him run, but not one went after him, not a step. The one who'd approached them turned back to face them.
"Ignore him- he doesn't know anything. My dad says the people who died during Titan attacks are heroes; he should be proud--"
"And would you be proud if your father died?" Erwin's tongue finally came unstuck, but his throat didn't want to fully cooperate.
"If he were a Scout that died catching a spy or keeping us safe from Marley, yeah!" The boy beamed up at him and Erwin fought the urge to vomit.
"Then you're an even bigger fool than he is." The childish arrogance vanished in the face of confusion.
"Huh?"
"Your father will never be a Scout, and neither will you, boy. If you ever try to join the military, I will personally ensure you are kicked out." Where pride had once shone in bright hazel eyes, anger began to bloom.
"You can't do that!"
"Watch me. Now go home, and pray that you will never have to be 'proud' of your parents." He pointedly ignored the boy as he pulled himself onto his saddle, turning to face his soldiers. "Don't just stand there; get mounted and let's go." Giving the palomino a squeeze, he set off past the boys, ignoring the now angry words they shouted after him. Hange was the first to catch up with him, their distress leeching into their voice.
"Ahh! What is wrong with you, Erwin!? We finally have public support on our side and you're trying to sabotage us!"
"The public is going to turn on us eventually anyway, Hange--"
"They wouldn't if you didn't keep antagonizing them! How can a perfectionist be so terrified of succeeding?!" He whipped around to face them, eyes blazing.
"That's what you call success? Children being brainwashed into thinking the senseless death of civilians is noble? Those children, and god knows how many others like them, are going to grow up thinking it's cool to be a martyr. How old were those boys? Nine? Ten? Two more years and they'll be in the Training Corps, bragging at dinner about how many Marleyans they're going to kill, wearing the names of any relatives that died during the Fall or the Culling or in Stohess as a badge of honor because they're stupid fucking children and they don't know any better! No one taught them better, and they won't learn until they've taken up space in the Survey Corps and gone on a mission and realized as they lie dying with a bullet in their gut or a Titan ripping off their legs that they don't want to be a martyr- they want to go home to their parents who will never see them again!" As he struggled to calm his breathing and his racing heart, he realized the faint clopping behind him had stopped. Turning in his saddle, he noticed the recruits behind him, staring wide eyed and slack-jawed. Floch looked like someone had slapped him, and Eren… it wasn't hate in his eyes but it was something just as dark. Inhaling deeply, Erwin challenged them.
"You recruits are the only ones who knew the full truth going in, how low survival rates were, how great the failures were… You were the only recruits ever to have faced Titans before joining the Survey Corps, and no matter what your reasons were for joining, I cannot believe that there haven't been times in the last seven months when you haven't regretted your decision."
"…what else were we supposed to do?" Eren's voice was low and dark, his gaze cast to the ground but boring through it. "Just sit back and do nothing while other people died trying to take back Wall Maria and free us from the Titans?"
"So you believe that everyone should experience the horrors and tragedies you have because you've suffered?" The boy's head shot up, green flames searing him.
"Don't put words in my mouth- I didn't--!"
"Then why do you believe that you should suffer because we have?" Eren stared at him, dumbstruck (possibly for the first time in his life), but surprisingly, Floch picked up his train of thought.
"But… we have to fight. We have to keep pushing forward, for those who came before us! You said--"
"I know what I said, Floch. And yes, we should keep pushing forward, because we know the horror and suffering that awaits us if we don't. We know now- you know now. You know the truth, and they should too, or would you actively desire other cadets experience what you did, lured in with glorious lies about important and invaluable you'll be, only to realize you were tricked when your friends lay in pieces around you?" The redhead flinched and may have spoken again had a shrill whistle not interrupted him.
"Oi! This isn't a fucking philosophy class. You can ruminate on whether or not ignorance is bliss when we get back to base. Right now, I don't want you brats thinking about anything other than what you need to do when the Colossal shows up." Levi pulled ahead, pausing just long enough to lean towards Erwin and whisper, "And that goes doubly for you, Commander Brat." As the lieutenant continued riding, Erwin called out to him.
"What happened to 'Blondie'?"
"You've been demoted. Do well with today's experiment and I might consider reinstating you."
~o0o~
They'd been traveling since sun up and now that it was just past noon, they were finally reaching their destination. Even with the influx of refugees, there was still plenty of land that remained desolate because it simply wasn't suitable for human habitation or farmland or grazing. Land in the north of Wall Sina, near the iceburst caldera. Even a good thirty kilometers away, the ground remained cold and barren and rocky, good for nothing but mining and military training exercises. That was what it was listed as in the official record, a Scouting exercise. Training their horses not to spook at the sound and sight of Titans. And it was- the only difference between this round of training and all the others was that this time, the Titan would be bigger. Much bigger. …hopefully.
Just as they had last time, Hange and the recruits led Erwin and Eren's horses away, hoping that his first transformation would be akin to the one people remembered from Trost and not the blast of heat and pressure that left nothing behind but a smoking crater in Shiganshina. Before Levi had started his horse on a walk, Erwin stopped him, tugging on the dark wood handle sticking out from his belt, the blade that had been hidden by his leather apron catching the sunlight as he turned it, offering the handle.
"Hold this for me." For a moment, Levi's eyes went wide and he stared at his old knife as though it were a cursed relic. It lasted only long enough for him to inhale and vanished as quickly as it came, but the fear had been real.
"You shouldn't take peoples' shit, Erwin."
"I didn't. Thomasin told me to bring it." They'd been getting ready to sleep…
Erwin hissed as he put his weight on his hand, the scabs stinging as they pulled at his skin. Thomasin's head shot up at the sound and he wished he had kept quiet. And then he wished that he hadn't wished that because that was too close to pulling his sleeve down to cover a fresh wound and saying 'it's fine, don't worry about it' to not be hypocritical.
"Your hand still hasn't healed?"
"It's getting there," he gritted out as he scooched higher onto the bed, swinging his legs onto the mattress. "Give it another day or two and it should stop hurting."
"But you're a Shifter- you're supposed to heal instantly. I've seen it- when I was drawing blood from that-- boy, we had to hold the cut open because the veins started sealing shut almost instantly."
"It doesn't always work for him, either. When Hange started the first run of experiments, it took a full day for the wounds on his hands to heal."
"But they did heal. In a day. It's been over a week for you." Sighing, Erwin laid down, pulling the covers up to his chest.
"Well, it just doesn't seem to be that quick for me. I know I can heal because I'm alive, but… maybe it's different. Maybe I can only heal life-threatening injuries and I just have to endure all the normal aches and pain." Thomasin's nostrils flared.
"That's bullshit."
"I don't mind. I prefer it this way, I think." Rolling onto his right side, he took her hand, his thumb stroking the inside of her wrist, feeling the raised skin there. "It's not fair that you hurt and bleed and scar and I don't…" She stiffened under his touch and he expected her to pull away, but to his surprise, she sighed deeply and wriggled until she was laying on her side facing him. Twisting her hand into what had to be an uncomfortable position, she grabbed his fingers.
"Shifters have to have a goal in mind to transform, right?"
"In theory, but that alone doesn't seem to work all the time. There might be an emotional aspect to it." Hate. Anger. That was what Eren told him usually worked.
"So, you get hurt with a goal in mind and some strong emotion behind it and the Titan responds to that?"
"It seems that way. I'll be testing that theory during our next mission."
"Uh huh… and… what if your goal was to suffer? And the emotion you felt was guilt? How would a Titan respond to that?" Erwin felt his mouth go dry. Swallowing didn't help.
"What are you--?"
"'It's not fair that you hurt and I don't'," she repeated. " 'It's not fair that my friends all died and I was left alive'… 'It's not fair that my dreams came true and my father's didn't'." Thomasin's other hand reached over, pressing his between both of hers. "You've always found something to feel guilty about, ever since you were a little boy. I think… I think that's why you're not healing, Erwin. That guilt infected you when you were a child and you never recovered. You're sick and that Titan inside you is responding to that. It could heal you, but you don't want it to because somewhere in your heart, you think you deserve to be in pain. You want to suffer, so the Colossal Titan is transforming your body and keeping your wounds open to give you what you want." He swallowed again- it still didn't help.
"I-- I don't think that's-- that's an outlandish theory, even for Hange…" Pulling one hand back, Thomasin reached behind herself, pulling the shade from the lamp and filling the room with cold blue light. As he rubbed the sting from his eyes, he could hear the rustling of fabric. When the red spots dancing behind his closed lids began to fade and he could see somewhat again, his eyes found Thomasin's face first before darting down and landing on her bare arm. He tried to look away on instinct, to stop the discomfort in his gut that came from seeing all those discolored lines and the deep trenches in the flesh they sometimes formed.
"Look." She bade him, and he forced his eyes to where she was pointing at one of the larger scars near the bend of her elbow, thick and jagged and raised more than the others. "I used to pick at that one when I was little. Whenever it started to heal, I'd rip the scab off and mess with it until it opened up again. It could have closed, but I didn't want it to, so it didn't." The bile on his tongue burned like acid.
"…why?" For the first time that night, the discomfort came back and she pulled her sleeve down, and yet, she continued speaking.
"I don't know… Kids… do all kinds of things when they're scared or upset. They bite their nails and pull out their eyelashes… I made myself bleed. I know what it feels like to not want that wound to heal- that's why I don't think my theory is so crazy." It was , though- it had to be. That was-- he wasn't-- He could only shake his head.
"I'm not doing this on purpose, Thomasin- I'm not consciously deciding to slow our research down."
"I know you're not. You don't have to choose to want something… but you still can ." She reached under her pillow and his eyes snapped to the blade. Six years later and he could still hear the air being cut as it swung at his throat, the murderous intent behind it, that "PING" forever seared into his mind.
"How long has that thing been under your pillow?!"
"Don't worry about it. I've never used it…" With her free hand, Thomasin took his, laying his palm flat on the sheet. "I know you think it's not fair for you to not hurt when I do, but just as an experiment, for one second , try thinking about what I want." She ran the tip of the knife over the back of his hand and he hissed, instinctively pulling away from the pain. It was a thin line, the raised pink almost unnoticeable again his pale skin until dots of red began beading up along its surface, growing larger. Dark fingers covered the wound and he looked up to meet the dark eyes staring deep into his. "I want you to stop hurting. Because you can ."
That's what hurts me, Erwin…
He sniffled, unaware of how wet his eyes had gotten until that moment.
"I'm supposed to be helping you with your problems, but instead, you're helping me with mine. Again." Full lips quirked into a tired but sincere smile.
"Well, try getting your shit together, Smith, then you can-- ow!" She snatched her hand back, staring at the steam wafting from his skin as it knit itself back together as though she feared his hand might burst into flames. "That's really hot!" She accused him.
"Sorry, I didn't think it would hurt you."
"You didn't think steam would hurt me?"
"It's just a little steam."
"A little-- You're an idiot, Erwin." Sighing, she turned his hand over and pressed the knife's handle into his palm. The wood was worn so smooth it had taken on a velvety texture. "Take this with you. Use it- don't cannibalize yourself like that boy does. You don't have to compete with him to see who can hurt themselves more." He tried to close his fingers over the handle and his stomach flip-flopped painfully, his mouth filling with bitterness.
"I don't… think I should… This feels gross," he confessed weakly. "Didn't Levi give you this so you could--" the words caught in his throat, but he dislodged them and continued speaking in an admittedly softer tone. "…hurt yourself with it?" Thomasin blinked slowly, as though her eyelids had grown heavy and opening them back up took a considerable amount of willpower.
"He gave it to me so I would hurt myself less . Because he caught me trying to use an ultra-hardened steel blade." She grinned tightly, more of a grimace than anything, in response to his horror. "Regular steel can still mess you up, but it won't cut down to the bone like butter. I absolutely would not have cared if I cut off my own arm and bled to death in your bathroom, but Levi did… probably because of the mess that would've made. …I wanted to hurt, and he wanted me to hurt less. And that's what I want for you. I want you to hurt as little as possible, so use this instead of your disgusting mouth so you don't get rabies or something. Clean cuts heal faster." This time, he managed to squeeze the handle, the wood digging into his palm. He tilted his head forward until it brushed against hers.
"I'll keep that in mind…"
He'd never seen Levi fully grimace, but his eyes narrowed, deepening the fine lines at their corners as his brows drew together. He moved to slip the blade into his belt, but Erwin stopped him, pressing his pointer finger against the blade. The edge was sharp enough that it only took a bit of pressure for the skin to split neatly.
"Is that going to be enough?"
"Why wouldn't it be?" He watched his lieutenant retreat for a few meters before his attention was drawn to his hand. The cut was deep, blood flowing thickly over the creases of his finger and palm, filling them like tiny red rivers… And yet, it didn't hurt. There was pain- the initial sting as steel bit into flesh hurt as badly as it ever did, and even now his mind was telling him there was pain… but it was distant. Almost akin to a headache that was still in such an early stage, one couldn't be sure if the pain was there or not.
It made sense- Shifters lost their limbs and suffered injuries that would be fatal for any normal human regularly. If they passed out from pain or blood loss, that would leave them vulnerable to being eaten by Mindless Titans (the Mindless Titans who also generally displayed a diminished capacity for pain- he'd have to bring that point up with Hange). There was pain. There was blood. Now, he just needed a goal, something simple. 'I need to test the Colossal's mobility. Range of motion, maximum speed-- I can look over the Wall…' That thought had no place among the others, but it was sudden and genuine and he wanted it and--
The sparks came from his finger, flashes of gold emerging from the crimson like someone struck a flint within his skin, popping and hissing as they made contact with his blood. They were so bright it was hard to look at and in looking away, he glanced up, across the field where his soldiers waited, where Hange-- 'Please don't scare Hange--'
The light blinded him. The roaring deafened him. His body was weightless, the sensation similar to vertical maneuvering if the harness straps didn't go over his clothes but were instead an extension of his flesh and blood. The surge of alien sensations overwhelmed him, and it took Erwin an indeterminate amount of time before his mind cleared even somewhat.
The first thing he truly became aware of was the pressure, followed almost immediately by the heat, the humidity. He was being squeezed- crushed- between two massive carpets soaked in hot oil, molding to every curve of his musculature, sticking to him as it weighed him down. Every breath was difficult when his chest couldn't expand and the air was so moist, it felt almost as if someone were holding his head underwater. But he wasn't suffocating. As uncomfortable as it all was, the objective part of his mind knew he was fine. When he forced himself to stop thinking about how wrong everything felt and focused, not on his body but the body that was his, he could feel that he was standing. The ground felt… uneven beneath his feet, as though he were standing on freshly-turned soil that gave slightly under his weight. It probably did- he was so huge, so heavy, that it seemed impossible that all but the hardest, most densely packed clay or stone wouldn't compress under him.
Even from his vantage point atop the Wall, he hadn't been able to get a good look at the Colossal, the smoke and rubble of Shiganshina obscuring everything below the hips. He'd seen the craters most likely left by the monster's feet outside Trost that horrible day, but had never seen what the bottom half of its body actually looked like. He could look at himself now, but that wouldn't be a proper look, given just how far his eyes were from his legs in this state. But without Moblit for accurate field sketches and no access to things like "photographs", his own distorted view from this angle was going to be the only chance he had to see what kind of monster he truly was. Erwin tilted his head down and opened his eyes. The sight that met him was so alien, he instinctively jerked away, shaking his head, trying to clear his obviously impaired vision.
It didn't help.
He reached up to rub his eyes, and when his arms moved, he became acutely aware of both the arms moving, too long, too slow to be a part of his own body, as well as his arms inability to move, sunk deep within a vacuum of hot wet muscle that squeezed tighter as he tried to free himself from it, the weight around him pressing harder, the thick fibers woven under his skin flexing against his stump as the fingers he no longer had tried to shake them off, resulting in the fingers that he controlled mimicking the motion to no avail. His breathing was growing heavier, more desperate, every gasp sucking in mouthfuls of the slightly salty fluid that encased him, choking him and yet still allowing him to breathe because obviously a Shifter had to be able to breathe inside their Titan- despite being connected, their bodies were still entirely separate from the flesh encasing them (until they transformed too many times and then the flesh would begin to meld…). It was his lungs that were breathing, his heart that was racing… it had to be his eyes he was seeing through.
But it couldn't be- he'd been seeing through those eyes his entire life, and nothing ever looked like… unless… Dear merciful God, was this actually what the world looked like? Had he been blind all his life and now, he was actually seeing for the first time- is this what everyone saw but him?!
Everything above him was black, an inky black with swirls of slightly less black, and everything below was lighter. The trees, the horses- even the grass; he could see it all, but he had to force himself to put words to those strange, unimportant blobs of slightly less dark. The red… that was what he couldn't tear his attention from. Seven red spots amidst the blacks and grays and whites, tiny almost imperceptible blotches… and yet, so detailed he swore he could see every individual eyelash on each.
The red was brightest in the center, growing dimmer as it diffused but still so bright, the most intricately constructed latticework woven in the shape of a person… and they were everywhere. Hundreds of thousands of them in the distance, flowing against each other in the darkness, stretching onward for kilometers, into the Interior and through the other side, beyond the northern mountains- there were more back there, they were faint but he could just barely make out the glow, that terrible, beautiful glow…
One of the bright spots by his feet moved and he could see every tendon flexing, every muscle shifting as it made its way up higher, higher. It looked so slow, as if he could just grab it out of the air, but by the time his hand had begun to move, it had already vanished from the spot he'd last seen it in. The glow had vanished from his periphery, muffled sounds coming from somewhere to his right.
"—win! —out—there—! Oi! —make me—you—!" They were words; stupid words, unimportant words. Erwin couldn't tear his attention away from the glow, that beautiful, terrible, beautiful glow. If he turned slightly to the left and just started walking, he would reach the highest density, where it was brightest… unless the glow behind the mountains grew brighter still-- The hot, humid air grew cold suddenly and he cried out as something sharp stung him on the back, trying to slap it away. "Don't you dare try to swat at me, Erwin; I will cut that other arm off before you can blink!" The voice was clearer now, the air cool and fresh and easier to breath, the darkness-- it wasn't the same darkness. There was light above him, not much, just a sliver, but it was enough to give the darkness surrounding him a red tinge, enough for him to see the darkness shift and flex and he was immediately pulled back to his senses.
He was inside a Titan- the Colossal Titan. They were running tests, and… and… and he had to get out. He had to get out right now before the red came back and he truly lost himself to it. He struggled against the weight of the muscles squeezing, trying to lock him in place, to imprison him in this tomb of flesh, but he wouldn't let it. The light grew brighter and more air rushed in, chilling him as he struggled to free his face. There was a sharp sting as the thick fibers anchored under his eyes were stretched to the point of breaking, the feeling of plucking out a stubborn hair, or rather, many, many hairs all at once. The black above him was blue once more, and it hurt, the brightness and intensity of the hue burning his eyes, but he didn't dare look away because as painful as it was, it was right.
"Oi!" Fingers snapped too close to his ear, and he flinched away from the sound before finally- reluctantly- tearing his gaze from the sky and looking at his lieutenant. Levi's hooks were embedded in a thick piece of muscle, but he stood- or rather, lightly touched down upon- an area of… what had to be bare, exposed bone, just shy of where the muscle actually attached. Because exposed Titan muscles were unbearably hot, even when he wasn't making an effort to give off heat. Erwin let his gaze drop just enough to realize the air around him and Levi both was shimmering. There was sweat beading at the other man's hairline, just enough to start collecting and working its way down his forehead. "What the hell's going on with you? You're not about to start going on a rampage, are you?" …was he? Was that why the allure of that glow was so irresistible? Erwin breathed hard and deeply, the air drying his mouth and throat.
"No… the experiment's over."
"What? But we didn't even start--"
"We're not going to start! It's over! I'm done! I have to get out of here!!" He began pulling again, trying to free his arms, his legs- his entire lower body was encased in a sleeve of muscle, one that seemed reluctant to let him go. As his movement began veering into the territory of frantic, something hit him in the back of the head. Hard. Not hard enough to knock him senseless, but certainly hard enough to hurt, to give him pause. Levi was just lowering his hand, two fingers still clutching the grip of his ODM gear.
"The fuck are you doing, Erwin? Have you forgotten that you're sixty meters in the air and not wearing ODM gear?" If he continued struggling, if he succeeded in freeing himself, the drop would be… but the alternative… He shook his head.
"I don't care. I'm not going back inside this thing now."
"Then at least sit down or something. Pop a squat- anything to get closer to ground level. Or were you just planning on letting this massive abomination fall onto the Wall when it starts decomposing?" Right. It would take quite a while for bones that big to burn to ash and crumble, and they would have to rest somewhere in the meantime. If he just let it fall… he couldn't do that to Hange. But even so…
"I-- I don't know how to make it move…" It was so big. The arms; too long and thin and slow, as if there were a delay between his mind and his body--
"How do you make your body move?" Levi wasn't panting, but he was definitely breathing harder than before, his fringe sticking to his forehead as sweat ran down his neck, darkening his collar. "You think Eren thinks about Titan physiology when he puts someone in a headlock? Don't think about it- just do it. You clearly have no trouble moving this thing's arms, so just do the same thing with its legs."
Just move. Just move like normal. Easier said than done when he physically couldn't move, was completely immobilized by the pressure squeezing him, the muscles contracting slightly, those that snaked under his pant legs and under his skin twitching. The sensation made his toes curl… or, it would have, if his toes weren't also kept immobile by the fibers. They had wormed their way into his boots, under his nails. They may not have interwoven with his stomach (Hange said there was no connection between the digestive system of the Titan and the Shifter… he had to believe them), but if he could see and hear through the Titan, then at least some of his organs had to be linked somehow. He had to be breathing somehow, unless the flesh was permeable-- no. He had to stop thinking about it, he had to, before instinct took over and he simply wrenched himself free here and now. He had to lower this monstrous behemoth to the ground… 'Oh god, I think I've forgotten how to sit…' This was ridiculous; he could still move his right arm in spite of there no longer being an arm to move, so surely he could maneuver legs without actually moving them.
The Colossal's movement speed felt a lot faster when he was dropping thirty meters with it.
~o0o~
The ground felt strange under his feet. Almost too solid, and that made him feel uneasy, unbalanced. He'd already grown used to having to shift his weight, but this time, it shifted too much and he fell back against something gratefully solid. The concern in Hange's face was plain for anyone to see- the disappointment was hidden well enough that only one who'd known them as long as he had could make it out.
"Erwin, what happened up there? You seemed okay at first and then you started freaking out. If I hadn't gone to the bathroom before we started, I would've pissed myself." Of course Hange would know better than anyone what destruction could follow the Colossal moving erratically, how quickly familiar faces could be burned away, not even any bones left behind.
"It-- It was-- horrible. I wasn't prepared for how…" He trailed off as the fear and discomfort began solidifying into a tight ball, anger slowly wrapping around it, coating it one layer at a time as blue eyes met deep green darkened with disdain. He pushed away from Hange, stalking forward. The ground still felt too solid, too uneven when it didn't give under his weight, but he was walking fast enough to compensate for that. The other recruits quickly stopped talking as he drew nearer, standing at attention, but he didn't care about them. His hand went out, grabbing the front of Eren's shirt and dragging the boy closer to him. "You petulant little bastard. Is this how you plan on getting your petty vengeance, by putting every single person here at risk?" The ember of annoyance deep in those eyes burst into a flame of anger.
"What are talking about? Don't try to blame your lack of focus on me- it's not my fault you're too weak to control yourself."
"This isn't about me, you fool! This isn't about me, or you, or Armin or any individual person! It's about the Survey Corps as a whole! If you despise me so much that you would withhold vital information just in the hopes of getting under my skin, then you have no right to wear the Wings of Freedom." For a moment, the boy's expression shifted, whatever confusion he felt so powerful that it manifested on his face, but just as quickly, the anger came back with a vengeance.
"I have more right than you. I've actually done things that helped humanity, instead of just ordering other people to die."
"…listen here, you little shit--"
"Okay, break it up! Break it up!" Erwin's view of Eren was forcibly blocked by the (slightly sweaty) palm roughly forcing his head back. Turning his face to see past the splayed fingers, he was greeted by Hange once more, their arms outstretched as far as they could go, pushing both soldiers away from one another. "As much as I would love to see how the Attack Titan fares against the Colossal in a fight, unfortunately, that's not on the itinerary for today. And neither is the two of you having a pissing match that devolves into bare-knuckle brawling." Erwin's fingers flexed, tightening their grip for a second before ultimately releasing their hold, allowing Eren to stumble away. Hange breathed a sigh of relief, slowly, hesitantly lowering their arms, poised to raise them once more at the first sign of aggression. "Okay… alright. Now that we're all calm and friends again, what the hell, Erwin!? You can't go around assaulting the recruits; you're not Shadis!" He ignored Hange, his attention fully on Eren, not bearing down on the boy physically but as much as his presence alone could do.
"Why didn't you tell us how you see things in your Titan form, Eren?" His voice was calm, thankfully, masking the storm of emotions inside him, none of them pleasant. "We spent weeks running tests on you, and it didn't once occur to you to pass along that information?" Multiple sets of eyes were on him, but he only paid attention to the green pair directly across from him. The anger had once more receded to an ember buried beneath a layer of ash, allowing the confusion in them to show clearly.
"What do you mean, how I see things? I see things normally."
"…really. Really? Eren, I want you to think long and hard about what you just said, and then I want you to think- actually think- about what you remember from your time spent in your Titan form. You are telling me, honestly and sincerely, that you experience everything in that oversized flesh suit exactly the same way you're experiencing it right here and now? There is absolutely NO difference between your tiny human eyes and eyes bigger than your entire skull?"
The confusion didn't leave the boy's eyes, not fully, no more than that ever-present ember of hatred, but it dimmed slightly as his eyes glossed over, staring far away, far into the past, into his own mind, thinking about something he'd clearly never thought about before. Little by little, his brows drew closer together, the furrow between them growing deeper as his lips moved just enough for the gathered soldiers to notice it. Eventually, he blinked, his vision coming back into focus and settling on the Commander.
"It's-- it's not different enough that I would think to mention it—"
" WHAAAAT?!" This time, it was Hange who grabbed him by the shirt, lifting him just enough that his heels were no longer planted on the ground. "You see things differently in your Titan form and didn't 'think to mention it'?! You stupid mother--!!"
"Hange, what did you just say about assaulting recruits?"
"You're held to a different standard than me, Erwin. All this time, I could've been doing surgeries on his eyes- I could've removed them and seen how they connect to his human brain! I could've--!" Once in full-blown rant mode, Hange wasn't going to stop of their own volition, so Erwin covered their mouth with his palm, not fully silencing his section commander but at least muffling their voice enough that he could speak over them.
"What do you see, Eren?" Eren curled in on himself, his shoulders hunched, thumbs hooked in his belt loops- the posture of a child forced to confess some wrongdoing. He almost couldn't blame the boy for his defensive stance; every time people began asking questions about his Titan, it was because they wanted to kill him… or else, keep him alive for things he might not want to be alive for.
"I don't know. It's just… normal; I don't even register it."
"No, clearly it's not 'normal'- you see something that's not what you're seeing right now. What is it?"
"I can't describe it!" Eren snapped.
"Try." Levi's voice was as cold and hard as his eyes, an order that brooked no refusal.
"It's--!" For a moment, the frustration in Eren's eyes wasn't directed outward but inward, a look Erwin had seen plenty in Thomasin's own eyes, the inability to put ones' thoughts and feelings and experiences into words any other person could understand and the bitterness that came with having to settle on something that didn't fully capture it. "It's foggy. Okay? Things are kind of foggy when I'm a Titan."
"…foggy? Like a cataract?" Floch asked curiously, and Eren scowled at him.
"What's a cataract?"
"Wasn't your dad a doctor?!" Jean asked in disbelief. "How do you not know what a cataract is?"
"He died when I was ten- you think I cared about stupid medical shit when I was ten?"
"A cataract is a film that covers a person's eye, leaving them nearly or completely blind," Hange provided, having finally pushed Erwin's hand away and panting. Eren looked between the other Scouts as though they had all lost their minds.
"No. I'm not blind. Do-- do none of you people know what fog is? Dust. Smoke. Steam! Do you know what that looks like? Do you know what things look like when there's smoke in the air?"
"How much smoke are we talking?" Sasha asked, and Eren's shoulders slumped, relieved, it seemed, that someone finally understood what he was talking about.
"Enough that you can see about three meters ahead of you, but everything is still hazy around the edges." He frowned again, but this time, it was more thoughtful than upset. "I can see where everything is easily- buildings and trees and all, but… I don't pay attention to it. It's just there, things to avoid, things to use, but nothing important. The important things…" His eyes narrowed. "I can see all that perfectly clear. Probably more clearly than I can see right now. I never thought to compare it, but when I do, it feels like someone smeared dirt in my eyes, everything's so blurry and out of focus in comparison…"
"…and what are the important things?" Erwin asked quietly. Green eyes raised slightly to meet his.
"I think you know the answer to that. It was the same for you, right? That's why you started freaking out- you realized just how bad your vision was?" Erwin shook his head slowly.
"No… that's not what I saw."
~o0o~
Hange hadn't exactly fainted, but had definitely swooned, every limb going limp enough that they would have collapsed had Erwin not been close enough to immediately brace their body against his own. Actual experiments would be cut short for the day, but that didn't mean there was no knowledge to be gained. They convened about ten meters away from where the slumped form continued belching foul-smelling steam and the occasion burst of embers as the bones and muscle burned away. They'd have to keep an eye on it- the colder months were dry, and the last thing they needed was a stray ember starting a blaze.
"It's been almost ten minutes, and that thing's showing no sign of vanishing," Levi muttered, almost too quiet for anyone to hear despite the fact that he was clearly speaking to the group. "There wasn't a trace of it when we got back to Trost, not even a speck of ash… Fucker must've attacked the second we cleared the forest, as soon as we were too far to stop him."
"And none of you saw any trace of him after that initial attack?" Hange asked from where they lay on the ground, a touch of hope coloring their tone. Jean scowled at them.
"We were kind of preoccupied with the whole 'Titan invasion' thing that happened immediately after."
"Oh yeah, you guys were still cadets back then, not even Corps recruits… heh. Crazy how time flies." They sighed, a sound that wasn't entirely devoid of the longing that would have once infused it but certainly didn't carry as much this time around. "Still, to be so close to it while it was non-aggressive… you got a better look at Bertholdt's Colossal than probably anyone else alive. I would've loved to see that miserable bastard up close, at least once, just so I could compare his Titan to Erwin's."
"They didn't look anything alike, I can tell you that much." Sasha's voice was unusually terse, and Hange nodded as best they could without lifting their head.
"Oh, I could see that. But I still would've liked to compare things like how similar their Titan's facial features are to the real deal… though in Bertholdt's case, I suppose I would have had to flay him in order to get an accurate measure… oh, if only I'd known then what I know now…" Because the Colossal Titan had no skin, and therefore, one couldn't accurately gauge what its face truly looked like. It was just bone with a bit of muscle over top.
From what little he'd seen of the monster, it was a fearsome thing, enough to give even the most seasoned Scout nightmares… the complete opposite of the boy who controlled it. Erwin didn't know Bertholdt Hoover, but he'd seen him enough, especially after the glorious failure that was 73rd expedition. Tall, nearly as tall as Mike but with none of the bulk. Lanky and seemingly uncomfortable in his own skin. The way he stood, the way he postured himself; it was as though he had been painfully aware of his size and was always trying to take up as little space as possible. He trailed behind Reiner Braun, practically trying to hide in the shorter boy's admittedly wider shadow.
According to his fellow cadets, he was quiet, in a shy, retiring way, quick to get flustered but also quick to help anyone who might need it. Quiet and shy and kind and helpful… he could have grown into a wonderful man if Marley hadn't stolen his childhood from him and turned him into a tool for genocide. All of those positive traits, not a one reflected in the form of the Titan. Erwin was afraid to imagine what his personality was twisted into. He hadn't been able to see- the moment he'd detached from the Titan, it began decaying, and by the time he'd moved into a position to actually get a good look at it, the finer aspects had already burned away, namely the face. He could assume it had blue eyes. Blue eyes like his, and yet, not at all like his-- he shuddered at the memory, a motion that didn't go unnoticed.
"What is it, Commander?" It was odd to hear Floch speak without some manner of edge in his voice. In that moment, he sounded like any other Scout. Before he could do more than open his mouth, Hange had pushed themselves into a sitting position.
"Are you thinking about what you saw? Was it terrifying? Describe it to me~!" …no bedside manner whatsoever. Still, for as hard as he'd been on Eren, it was only fair that he be paid in kind. Erwin inhaled deeply, until his lungs began to ache, and held it for a moment before slowly letting the breath out through his nose.
"It wasn't foggy. Everything was clear- too clear… but it was wrong."
"Wrong how?" Levi asked, trying- and mostly failing- to keep the interest from his voice.
"It was dark. Imagine a landscape painted entirely in grayscale. Nothing blurs together- the contrast is sharp enough that you can see all the details just fine… but there is no color. Just lighter and darker values." Hange frowned thoughtfully.
"So… everything you see is monochrome?"
"Not everything. Not the 'important things'." He looked up at Eren. "You see people clearly. More clearly than you've ever seen them in your life. Everything else is blurry because that's all you see, it's all you focus on. All you can focus on. The buildings and trees; those are just obstacles, things that get in the way of the people." A hush had descended over the clearing, leaving the hiss and crackle of the still-decaying Titan behind them to sound even louder. Eventually, Eren spoke, his voice just above a whisper, but still loud enough to break the silence.
"I see Titans, too."
"Titans are people… or at least they were, at some point." Erwin sighed, leaning back on his arm and looking up at the sky. It didn't seem nearly as bright as it had just afterwards, the colors seemed almost muted now, but it was still a calming color. "For decades, we've wondered how Titans always seem to know exactly where humans are. They can spot us in the densest fog, through the thickest foliage… They scratch at walls sixty meters high and eight meters thick because they know we're on the other side, but we've never known how… We assumed they could somehow smell us… they don't." Inhaling deeply again, steeling himself, before he looked at his Scouts. "I saw them. Every single one of them. Every human being within these Walls… and I'm pretty sure I caught a glimpse of those beyond them." They stared at him, dumbstruck. Sasha and Connie didn't even bother trying to keep their jaws from hanging slack, though Hange eventually noticed their own mouth hanging open and tried to close it. The operative word being "tried".
"Erwin, that's impossible."
"I saw the population density, Hange. It glows like stars in the sky but brighter, brighter than you can possibly imagine. I could see every village in Wall Rose- I could see past Mitras and straight through to Utopia. Do you know why Rod Reiss ignored us in favor of Orvud? Because Orvud is beautiful- it's so bright, there are so many people there; what are a few candles compared to a chandelier? The Walls mean nothing to Titans- that's why they run headlong into trees, because the trees don't stop that glow! They don't even dim it. I looked through five layers of Walls to see Orvud, and that didn't even register until after I'd regained my regular vision and remembered what 'Walls' were!"
The hush descended once more. They were still staring at him. It was getting harder to ignore the fear in their eyes. Well, all except for Levi, who looked upset but nowhere near afraid, and Hange, whose mind was clearly working overtime on this new font of information… and Eren, who wasn't regarding him with fear, but something much closer to disgust.
"What the hell is wrong with you…?" It was as much a sincere question as it was a condemnation. "I don't see anything like that. …you're like them, those mindless monsters—"
"You're like them too, Yeager," Floch shot back, the corners of his lips pulled down. "Don't think you're better than anyone just because your eyes work differently. You admitted that you see humans just as weirdly as the Commander, even if it's not in the same way- that's probably why you went crazy and attacked Mikasa that time. Yeah, I know about that- I was in the Garrison. People talk."
"That's not because of the way I saw things- I just didn't have full control those first times--"
"Then how do you know?" The incredulity on Eren's face as he looked as at Connie was almost as powerful as the betrayal.
"The hell, Connie?"
"What?" The bald boy shot back defensively. "I'm not saying you did it on purpose, but you admitted to Armin that you don't remember anything that happened before you lifted that rock. Nobody saw you the first time you transformed- maybe you did see things all weird and you went crazy like the Commander and you just don't remember it."
"I would still see things weird then--"
"Maybe not…" Hange's voice was both tight and breathy, a wide smile growing ever wider on their face. Squealing, they leaned over over and pulled the petite boy into a tight hug. "Connie, you're a genius!" Connie chuckled, a smug grin playing at the corner of his mouth.
"I know."
"Eren, you know you see things differently as a Titan than you do as a human, but you don't register it because your mind has been conditioned to accept it as normal. By the time you were fully aware that you were a Titan, it was just as natural to you as walking. But that's the thing- you weren't fully aware. Not at first. In fact, you weren't twice." The section commander finally let go of Connie, getting to their feet and starting to pace. "Titans can act, at least in a limited capacity, independent of their Shifter's state of consciousness. That's why Eren didn't have any recollection of the first two times he transformed, that's why the Armored was able to continue moving even while Reiner was missing half his skull. I don't know how it works, but it works and that's all we need to know for now." They stopped for a moment and looked at Eren.
"The first time you transformed, there was probably sensory overload for you too, but you didn't freak out because one, you weren't conscious- it was surgery with anesthesia versus without- and two, you had something to distract you; you went on a rampage and killed probably an eighth of the Titans in Trost at the time. That gave your mind and body time to adjust to what you were experiencing." The turned on their heel, pointing both fingers at Erwin. "You didn't have that luxury, either of them. The only time you were unconscious as a Titan was when you were a Mindless Titan, and the second your instincts started nudging you towards a rampage as a Shifter, you freaked out and snapped out of it." Their beaming face fell suddenly. "Oh nooo, that means it's probably going to take way longer for you to get used to it."
"Not to mention he's clearly seeing something a lot more fucked up than what Eren sees," Levi "helpfully" added, before his own lips tugged down. "Great, now you've got me thinking about this. Why do they see different things? They're both Titans- they should see the same shit." A quick laugh, almost a scoff, immediately drew Levi's ire, but fortunately, Sasha didn't notice.
"Nah, that's about the only part of this insanity that actually does make sense."
"…and your reasoning for that is…?" Hange gestured for her to continue, and the girl jumped, obviously not expecting to have been put on the spot.
"Uh! Uh…! Well, um… I mean… it's obvious, right…? They're different sizes. An ant isn't going to see the world the same way a horse does. And just because they're both Titans doesn't mean they're the same thing. Beef and boar are both meat, but they don't taste even remotely similar."
"Of course you always bring everything back to food…" Jean muttered under his breath.
"Because food is always a good thing to compare stuff to!"
"Not food…" Eren's voice was dark and low, and his friends stopped arguing as soon as he began speaking. He wasn't looking at them, at any of them, his gaze firmly on the ground, his brows furrowed. "Weapons. We're both weapons, but different types. The Attack Titan fights on the front lines, leading the charge into enemy forces… the Armored and Female and Jaw are probably all the same, and if I'd thought to ask that piece of shit Reiner, he'd probably say he sees the world like I do… well, at least we can still ask that bitch Annie before we kill her. We see people clearly because we need to be able to tell the difference between our soldiers and the enemy." He looked up, his eyes boring into Erwin's, looking through him at something that he despised.
"You don't fight with people- you're used against them. You're a weapon that just exists to destroy and kill as many people as possible. Bertholdt didn't just think about setting Shiganshina on fire on the fly- Marley trained him to do that, they've probably been using the Colossal that way for decades. Being able to instantly see where the most people are? That's knowing where the most victims are, the exact location of enemy camps and royal capitals." The dark green gaze dropped for a fraction of a second. "That's probably how Zeke sees, too. The Beast Titan was big, right? Bigger than me or Reiner, for sure."
"That's how he killed officers Lynne and Henning," Connie whispered, his eyes growing wider with the influx of horrible memories. "It has to be, it was the middle of the night. Yeah, it was a full moon, but he was on the Wall; we were probably six kilometers away… and he killed them instantly, with a single rock… even the Lieutenant couldn't aim that well." Eren nodded heavily.
"It's easy to throw rocks when you can see through every solid object in the way and aim for the biggest cluster of warm bodies…"
Erwin shut his eyes tight in spite of himself. Mike's squad, the most painful reminder of the price of his oversight… Zeke Yeager, that accursed bastard, personally killed Henning and Lynne. He ordered the Titans that killed Nanaba and Gelgar to attack. Had he left Mike in the hands of his thralls, or had he personally taken the satisfaction of killing the man after taking his ODM gear?
(It had to be him- Mindless Titans could rip a man apart, easily, but take his gear? Not likely.)
Had his victims been beautiful to him, the glow of that intricate lace pulsating wildly as Mike's heart raced from terror, from pain? How long did each limb continue to glow after it was ripped from the main source? Did they all eventually turn dark and join the rest of the landscape? Or had Zeke Yeager just not cared? He had to have had his Titan for several years at that point; did his mind no longer register what he saw as anything but mundane vision for mundane things? Maybe ripping apart a human being with two hands or many hands was not that much different from ripping a whole host of them apart with a handful of rocks; maybe, after a while, it just all became "normal".
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A/N- The fact that Shifter Titans are just big, invulnerable humans is so disappointing to me, even more so than the fact that the anime cut out the only actual Titan experiments performed in the series (left on the cutting room floor right along with literally everything else that was great about the Uprising arc). They move and behave just like people, but stronger and faster and better, and they don't feel pain so they aren't slowed down by any injuries, and they regenerate instantly and can totally beat Goku in a fight and can you tell that I'm not a fan of most of the Titan battles!? I don't want to see the Shifters fight each other (especially the ones that are just "people but big")- I want to know how their human bodies are connected to the Titan bodies. I want to know how they avoid the square-cube law. I want to know how eyes that big see the world!! The answer to that last question in Reasons-verse is essentially "via forward-looking infrared mixed with Paths bullshit", because freckles!Ymir's background chapter/episode implies that Shifters can see Paths (but maybe not because she's the only one who ever sees it without the combination of Royal Shifter Founding Titan so I guess only Ymir knows what makes her so special). Seriously, the skill needed to take a premise this interesting and make it that boring is the stuff of legends. I call it "The Rowling Effect".
Writing self-aware Erwin is… something. It's easy to think that his paternal instinct is starting to rear its head because he's fixing to be a dad, but I think it's more that now that he isn't blinded by his unerring quest for "The Truth" (and also the obvious depression he's been dealing with since RtS), the blinders have come off and he can actually get some perspective for the first time in his life and see with perfect clarity that the military is a nightmare factory that takes in ignorant children and pumps out traumatized corpses and he is complicit in that (seriously, Erwin, it doesn't matter how much you lie to those kids- the lives of all the nameless, faceless background characters who exist just to bump the anime's rating up to M literally are meaningless. It's almost like the person who wrote that line had never written anything before and it shows). Every single person who joined the Survey Corps save for the handful of southern recruits that participated in the Trost battle were duped into joining, because they had no fucking clue what was waiting for them on the other side. Even Erwin himself- look at his teenage self's face as he sees his first Titan kill. That boy is traumatized because every single new recruit starts out like Eren; waay too excited to start a job with an 80% mortality rate. That post-nut clarity hit and Erwin suddenly realized "This mountain of corpses I'm standing on is getting a bit too high for my liking and I'd like to be able to climb down some day" (it helps to read that in Ryan George's voice). That's the thing about mountains; when you get to the summit, you're generally not supposed to stay up there. And even if there's a bunch of dead bodies littering your path that are currently being used as trail markers, they probably don't want you to join them. And after that grueling climb surrounded by all those corpses, you probably don't want naive idiots who are just going to get themselves killed because they think it's "cool" following your path. That being said, more people should bring up Stohess. I live in a society where mass killings are commonplace; the people of Paradis don't. This shit should last more than a single news cycle for them (but it doesn't because King Fritz built Paradis on top of a spring of amnesia water).