Chapter 9
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This chapter contains mature content such as self-harm. Please skip over the identified parts if this may be a trigger.
-GreyMare
Walking in step with Dimitri down the tiled hallway, our feet pounded and echoed off of the bare walls. It wasn't very often that I was called down to Hans' office, most times it was to chew my ass, but I had really been flying under the radar for the past few weeks. Dimitri's wanted presence was a complete shock to me. Side, by side, Dimitri and I filed into the office, hands folded in front of us, and formed the standard guardian pose.
Hans stood behind his desk with a thin file opened in his hands.
"Belikov…" he looked up from the file as we stood before him. Dropping the file, he reached across the desk and shook Dimitri's hand.
"Long time no see, brother." Hans smiled at Dimitri as the two started chatting. After a few friendly hellos, I cleared my throat to break up their little love fest.
"Hathaway, you've managed to stay out of trouble." Hans nodded in my direction. I pulled a tight smile across my face and answered him.
"Just found the right distraction, sir." Dimitri stiffened at my words as a wicked smile formed on my face. Hans cleared his own throat and motioned for us to take a seat.
"Take a seat." Dimitri and I both sat down, the soft cushion hissing underneath our weight. Hans' office was as bare as bare could get. Military cleanness too. Everything was straight, everything in its place and everything perfectly organized.
"I've been informed that the two of you have been requested for a transfer charge. It's straightforward really, go to the airport, pick them up, and bring them to court."
"Absolutely not," I argued. "I'm the Queen's Guard, not an errand boy." I stood up from my chair as I spoke. "I can't just pick up and leave, I'm her primary guardian." I folded my arms over my chest.
"Hathaway, if this was any other circumstance, I would've told them to go fuck themselves. But I can't do that in this situation. I've not even got clearance to find out who this is. All I know was that this was on my desk with the Queen's seal on it. My hands are tied." Hans lifted the folder to me, which I snatched out of his hands. Running my eyes quickly over the black ink, over half of the person's information was redacted, only showing us the times and pickups for when and where we needed to be.
"So, Lissa signed off on this?" I waved the folder in the air, fighting the temptation to rip it into a million different pieces.
"I don't think that she did. That ink is green, the only seal that Lissa has is red." Hans pointed to the folder. For the first time since their small talk, Dimitri spoke up.
"Green is the color the officials use in Europe. It had to of come from there." I didn't know there were different colored seals, Lissa was lucky, I was about to chew her face off for hiding something else from me.
"How can this be safe? For all we know we could be walking into a trap. You don't know who sent it, there's no information in there about who needs picking up. Why should we even go? What's keeping us from throwing it in the trash?" I suggested knowing that he was definitely not going to throw it in the trash.
"I can't argue an order, Hathaway. You know that. I'll try to find out more information. But for right now, let's get the work schedules fixed just in case you must go. We'll get a team together, so it won't be just you two going. Worst case scenario you go and come back, best case you get an extra day off work.
"This," I held the folder up and flung it on his desk "is bullshit. My schedule has never been fucked with so much." I turned on my heel and left them both in the stuffy, shithole of an office.
Dimitri found me later in the gym assaulting a punching bag. I didn't stop at his entrance, I actually acted like I didn't notice him. But he was impossible not to notice.
"Roza…" Dimitri's voice was soft and kind. It made me want to hit things harder. Sticking with my one, two, one punches, I drove myself to move faster and hit harder.
"Roza." Dimitri's voice was a little sterner, but it did not increase in volume.
One, two, one.
"Roza." Dimitri caught my hand as I began a new set and held it tight.
"Let go of me." My voice was hard as stone. He knew that there was no playfulness here. Nothing but pure rage.
"Why are you so angry?" He asked.
"Why aren't you?" My words were laced with venom as I spat them back at him. My body vibrated with the sheer amount of rage that was filling me. My teeth were clenched together, and I ground them until I was sure they would turn to powder. My knuckles were bloody and bruised from the amount of force behind each of my punches. My skin was starting to itch, and I felt my body twitching and jerking at random speeds. This was the bond. This was oozing over from Lissa's side. I was in my mind enough to know that, but I was powerless to stop it. I knew that this wasn't really me, but I didn't really care.
"They fuck with us on the daily! I have so much shit that I have dealt with all just to be Lissa's guardian and none of it seems to be fucking good enough!" I yelled. "I work, day in and day out, I can do anything that my male coworkers can do and still I am seen as unimportant! Just some silly friend of Lissa's. I have no life of my own! Her life is my life and still even when I find some sort of normalcy, some type of schedule is taken away from me too! I have nothing but time and it's cruel that I don't even get to use it! It's a sick joke. A sick, fucking joke that this life is!" Tears started coming now, I could do something to stop the poison that was falling from my mouth or eyes.
"I'll never be my own person. Never get to have an actual life aside from Lissa's. I must be her shadow, denying myself any of my own passions. While they are free to marry who they want, do whatever they want, go wherever they want! I only get to follow." Dimitri let go of my hand and stood there watching me. No expression grazed his face as he let me rant.
"Someone that I haven't ever met, don't even know, can fuck up with my life and my routine all because they have a better social standing than me. How fucked up is that? They can pull me away from the only thread of a fucking life I have to do whatever they want? That's not fair, that's not right. Why do I have to endure this? Why does any dhampir have to endure this?" I shook with rage as my tears were now freely flowing. Dimitri tried to pull me into a hug, but I pushed him back. I couldn't be touched right now. My skin was on fire and itched like I had rolled around in some kind of nuclear waste.
"It's not right. It's not right. It's not right." I kept repeating. Running my hands through my hair as I paced around the gym.
"It's not right."
"It's not right." I rocked myself back and forth. My vision started to blur a little and I knew that I had to get out of here before anyone else saw me. My hands flew to my temples and tried to make my mind think right.
"It's not right." I barely made out the shape of the door, keeping my hands pressed firmly into the sides of my temples I stammered out of the gym and ran to my room.
It's not right. It's not right. It's not right. It's not right. It's not right." I kept repeating. Dropping my arms and thrusting them at my sides I ran as fast as I could. Making it to my room and slamming the door behind me I knelt with my back pressed against the door.
"It's not right. It's not right." I pulled my knees up to my chest and rocked back and forth.
"It's not right." I hit my head a few times trying to knock the thoughts out of my skull, but they kept coming.
"It's not right. It's not right. It's not right." I whispered to myself. I threw my head back and cracked my skull against the door as I tore at my hair.
"It's not right…" I could feel my emotions, Lissa's emotions running ahead of me. I needed something to release the pain. I needed something to take my attention off the skull-crushing pain that was in my temples. I remembered the knife that I kept in the small kitchenette in my room. Tunnel vision soon followed. All I could see in front of me was the drawer that held the knife. Nothing could stop me from getting to it. It was like I was having an out-of-body experience. I saw myself going through these motions, but I couldn't stop myself. I was just along for the ride as the spirit's darkness led me where it wanted.
It's not right… It's not right… It's not right… It's not right…
Those words just kept repeating in my head, driving me closer and closer to the drawer. Jerking the drawer open I fumbled through it until I found the one thing that was my saving grace. Holding the small knife up to the light I marveled at it like it was a precious gem. Violently I began slashing at my arm as I ripped the flesh and exposed blood to oxygen. Over and over again, I slashed at my arm until the skin became raw and mush. Blood covered my arm, dripping down my hand and the knife as a steady river flowed and covered my pants and started to pool on the floor. With a soft battle cry, I gripped the slippery knife as hard as I could as I gave one final gash to my gaping wound.
Slowly, as if I was just waking up, the clouds and the dark, gray, fog that had covered my mind and my vision faded. As if a bucket of ice-cold water was thrown over my head, chills formed along my skin and pricked the surface. The burning, oozing pain of what I had just done registered with my brain and sent shock signals to every nerve in my arm. I dropped the knife in a stupor of what I had just done and started crying. I gripped my arm as I tried to stop the bleeding. Lissa would rush to me in a heartbeat, but the madness would only slip back into me afterwards.
Adrian.
I needed Adrian.
Rushing over to grab my cellphone I quickly dialed Adrian's number.
"Hurry up you bastard!" I shouted at the phone. I started to feel lightheaded as the phone call dragged on. Slumping down to my knees, I waddled over to grab something to apply pressure to my arm.
Finally, he picked up. "Hello, gorgeous. What do I owe this-"
"Come to my room now!" I cut him off and rested my head against my dresser. My breathing came in shallow puffs as I pressed the pillow harder into my arm. My room looked like a murder scene. I shut my eyes and let the sound of Adrian's voice fade. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, as drip by drip the pillow started to soak up the blood. I had cut deep, white flesh exposed that was never meant to be seen. A few moments later, it could have been minutes, it could have been hours, I heard Adrian bust through the door and rush over to me.
"Fuck me, Rose!" I knew he was right next to me, but he sounded like he was talking from out in the hallway. I felt his arm peel away the pillow and his hands grip my arm and hand.
Warm waves flooded my body as I felt like I was being lifted into the air. But I didn't want Adrian to deal with this darkness too. I was in my mind enough to lift my other arm up; it felt like a ton of bricks and slam it on top of his hand.
"Not all the way…" I stammered. I fluttered my eyes open to my sure he understood.
"Please…not all the way…I don't want it eating at you…" I gave his hand a light squeeze.
"Rose I'm not going to let you walk around with an open wound on your arm!" Adrian closed his eyes, but I persisted.
"I can get stitches…please…I'm begging you…only enough to make it stop…" Adrian opened his eyes and locked his with mine. Those beautiful emerald, green eyes and tears rimmed them. A few even spilled over.
"Rose, now is not the time to be thinking about me." He shook his head. As the warm waves washed over me, I felt the pain reduce to a string. I was able to keep my eyes open and place my free hand on his shoulder.
"Thank you for coming…" I smiled up at him and patted his shoulder. Adrian was silent for a breath or two and slowly nodded his head. Adrian had stitched me up before after a similar situation like this had occurred.
"I'm telling Lissa, Rose. You don't need to deal with this for the sake of Ivan." Adrian looped an arm around my waist and helped me stand. Walking me over to the nearby couch, Adrian gently sat me down, went into the bathroom, and got the first aid kit. I braved myself and looked down at my arm. Adrian hadn't healed it all the way, just as I had asked. But there were a few nasty gashes that would scar once it was fully healed. I grimaced as I looked at my arm. It hadn't been this bad in a very long time. My senior year at the academy was the last time I remembered it leaking over and making me go this intense.
"I'm serious, Rose," Adrian emerged with the first aid kit in hand and sat on the floor in front of me. Grabbing the tube of lycodine to numb the area Adrian was preparing to stitch, he squeezed out a big glob and rubbed it into the tender skin. I winched and made a face, clenching my hand into a fist as he tried to be gentle. It's funny the things people will give you whenever you hold some kind of power. Adrian waltzing into the clinic and asking for stitching needles, prep equipment and numbing gel was one of the many things people didn't hesitate to give him.
"It's never been this deep before or this much blood. You lost at least twenty ounces. That's almost considered a stage one hemorrhage." Adrian kept rubbing the gel into my arm but soon I wasn't able to feel his touch,
"How do you even know that?" I rolled my eyes.
"Because after the first time I found you, I wanted to make sure that I knew what I needed to know. Hence the gel and the needles in your first aid kit." Adrian picked up the needle and thread as he spoke.
"You take such good care of me." I leaned my head back on the couch and stared at the patterns in the ceiling as he began to move the needle in and out of my arm.
"I'll always take care of you, little Dhampir." Adrian had a steady and precise hand as he weaved the needle in and out, back, and forth. We stayed silently for a few minutes. Adrian finally broke it.
"You scared me." His voice was trembling though his hand was still steady.
"I scared me." I agreed.
"What brought this one on?" he asked. I tried to think back. In all honestly the moments leading up to this were fuzzy and out of focus. But I remembered the beginning of my meeting with Hans. It felt silly to admit that I let myself spiral all because of that. Then my conversation with Dimitri started forming in my memory.
"Dimitri and I got into it." I spoke like I was unsure that was the answer. But that was the last thing I remembered before everything went dark.
"Dimitri? You don't even know him." Adrian stopped on the upstroke of a stitch and held the needle in the air.
"I kind of know him. We've gotten close the past few days." I admitted. I hadn't spoken of Dimitri to anyone now that I thought of it.
"Oh, have you?" Adrian still had not moved the needle from its place in the air.
"And, what pray, tell was this lovers quarrel about?" Adrian still held the needle in the air. I thought that I even saw his eyes begin to twitch.
"Calm down, Fabio. We're just friends." I didn't even lift my head up to look at him as he laughed at my response.
"Whatever you say, Roza." Adrian did a fairly good job at rolling his r. if there was any excess blood in my body, I might've blushed.
"If you already know then what's the point in asking?" I argued.
"To see if you would tell the truth, which you didn't!" he started stitching up my arm once again as he spoke.
"I'm not going down without a fighting chance Rose. I know I have Guardian Ginger beat. I'm not sure how I measure up to Boring Borscht." I could feel the jealousy radiating off of him.
"Even if you couldn't compete, I'm stuck with you. Dimitri will eventually leave. You on the other hand are like a stray cat. I made the mistake of feeding you once and now you won't leave." Adrian made his last upward stitch and snipped the end of the thread.
"Rude and hurtful." He noted as he placed all of the items back in the first aid kit.
"You've gotten to be quite the little sower." I looked at my arm and what was once a gaping wound now was just harsh, red, aggravated skin. The three deep cuts that were once one huge whole were now neatly sown shut. The dark black thread is a contrast to my skin and the redness of it.
"Don't try to change the subject by pointing out the obvious." Adrian would not let this go.
"I like being around him. So, what? He's helped me in the gym a few times, showing me different techniques. I've gotten a lot better since he's been here. Just little stuff really that makes the world of difference." I noted back to a few times that Dimitri has helped me fix my stance, or my footwork. I've shaved a few seconds off of my times in the short frame that he's been here.
Adrian eyed me warily. I didn't think me hiding what I could only label as growing feelings for Dimitri was working. But with a sigh and a shoulder shrug Adrian let it go.
"I'm calling Lissa down and a plate of food and some water up. I'm also going to want you to get some IVs in you." Adrian stood up and started making the calls.
"Hold on a minute you just healed me! I don't need IVs." I protested.
"Rose you wouldn't let me heal you all the way. You need medicine. You need help." Adrian held his hand over the speaker and finished spouting off his laundry list of supplies.
"I wish you would've waited to tell Lissa," I said as Adrian sat down next to me on the couch.
"If I would've waited you would've tried to talk me out of it." He wasn't wrong, I had been thinking of ways to talk him out of it.
"She needs to know. Her using the magic doesn't affect just her. It affects you too." I knew that he was right, and I didn't want anything like this to happen again.
"I hate when you make sense."
"You know everything is going downhill when I'm the one that is the picture of sanity." Adrian waved his hands in front of his face and posed. I chuckled lightly as Lissa busted through the door. Adrian really should've locked that. Though me almost dying on the floor was probably a good distraction from privacy.
"Does no one knock anymore?" I said.
"Oh my god, Rose!" Lissa rushed to my side and took my still-numb arm in her hands. Tears immediately started spilling from her eyes.
"Liss, don't feel bad." I tried to comfort her, but I felt the rage and guilt flooding through her.
"This is because of me…isn't it?" she was trembling as she held my hand. I wanted to throw my arm over her, but my limbs felt like they each weighed a ton.
"It's worse than last time." She whispered. "Why…why didn't you call me?" She asked.
"You've been using so much lately; I didn't want it to overpower you. Or…or for it to bleed back down into me." I confessed.
Lissa ran her delicate fingers over the stitches as I spoke.
"I'll stop." She nodded her head. "Whatever I might have found out isn't worth this. I'm starting my medicine back tomorrow. Ivan will just have to follow instructions rather than examples." She nodded her head as she spoke.
"Lissa, I don't want you to not learn what all you're capable of." A knock on the door jolted Adrian up. He barely cracked the door as he started taking items out of whoever was on the other side's hands.
"It's not worth it. Not when you almost saw your arm off." Lissa took the plate of food from Adrian and sat it on the coffee table.
"Let me run the IV." She said.
Lissa and Adrian moved me to my bed and nestled me into a cocoon of pillows. Lissa had started my IV and was trying to feed me when I protested. Both she and Adrian sat on the bed with me and watched as I fed myself.
"What brought it on? Lissa asked the same question as Adrian had. Before I was able to say anything at all Adrian jumped ahead and started talking.
"She and her Russian lover got into a little spat." He rolled his eyes stabbed a piece of cheese off of my plate and popped it in his mouth.
"What?" Lissa gasped and moved closer to me on the bed. "Tell me!" She squeaked.
"We are not lovers; we had an argument; that's all. Now will you two leave me alone? I'm tired. I pushed the empty plate away and rested my head on the mountain of pillows behind me.
"Only because you almost died will I leave you alone." Lissa got off of the bed and pointed over to the stain and trail of blood that was now soaked deep into the carpet.
"I'll also have someone come and replace this tomorrow. First thing. Want a different color?" Lissa smiled as she smoothed down my hair. I smiled back at her and shook my head.
Lissa and Adrian both left and I snuggled deeper into the covers. My eyelids felt heavy as they began to droop. It wasn't long after that I felt myself slipping into a familiar feeling of a dream.
I was sitting on the armchair in one of the meeting rooms in the queens' quarters. Books, scrolls, and hand-bound leather journals were scattered across the giant oak table that ran the length of the room. Warm light filtered in through the windows and warmed my skin. I was still in my pajamas that Adrian had helped me into; loose-fitting cotton pants with small swirls around them and a t-shirt. I looked around the room, but no one was there. Standing up from my chair I looked down at my arm and saw that the bandage Lissa and applied was starting to fall off.
Damn cheap adhesive, I thought as I tried to make the ends of it stick.
"Hello, Rose."
"Shit!" I jumped as Ivan appeared in front of me on the opposite side of the table.
"God, Ivan! You scared the shit out of me!" I placed a hand over my heart as I tried to get my breathing controlled.
"Sorry," he didn't sound sorry.
"Are we…are you dream walking?" I asked.
"I finally figured it out." His voice was low, almost like he was afraid to speak.
"Well, that's um, that's great." Ivan hadn't shaved in a day or two. Small stubble outlined his jaw and went down his neck. Dark circles enclosed around his eyes as well.
"Ivan, you don't look so good." I took a step back as he took one forward.
"What's wrong Rose? Are you afraid of me?" he took deliberate steps that bounced off of the walls and echoed back to us. I kept taking steps back until I was pressed against a wall. Ivan closed the distance until he was mere inches away from me.
"I'm not scared of you." I wasn't either, I wasn't partially thrilled to be in this dream, but I wasn't scared of him. His eyes flashed down to my arm and a wicked smile formed on his lips. Still holding that smile and never breaking eye contact with me, he grabbed my arm, his thumb pressing into my newly formed cuts.
"This is new…" he examined my arm and in one yank ripped the bandage off exposing the deep cuts and the stitches.
"Don't worry…" he winked at me… "your secret is safe with me." He nodded his head as he closed his eyes and warm waves once again flooded my body and jerked me upright.
I shot up out of my bed and started panting. My chest heaved up and down and my breaths came in as short, choppy intakes. I whipped my arm in front of me, the bandage still peeling at the ends. I ripped it off in a haste and threw it onto the ground. There, where three deep cuts that had each at least twenty to thirty stitches holding them together, where black, blue, and red, irritated, skin formed on the edge of those stitches, was nothing but smooth, unblemished, tanned skin.