Chapter 1: Beginning


The orange tinted reflection of the star-filled sky above him in the Sea of LCL was the only thing Shinji Ikari could look at. A streak of red staining the otherwise beautiful sky, shaped in the form of a rainbow, almost as if life were playing a macabre joke on him. The only sound apart from his short, slow breaths were the gentle waves of the LCL splashing up against the beach's shoreline. He could feel the viscosity of the liquid seeping amongst his toes before receding once more, only for it to return once more a few moments later.

Shinji wanted to move his feet away from it, as far away from the memories that the Primordial Soup brought to him, but something inside him didn't let him. Something inside of him made him want to stay there, still as a statue. Maybe it was himself. Maybe it was the lack of energy from not eating or drinking anything. His stomach let out a groan once more at the thought of eating. He could only look in silence at the infinite sea of red, with the occasional decrepit building poking of the liquid.

Shinji wasn't too sure himself how long it had been since he sat here and started observing the waves, it might've been just a couple of days. Maybe weeks. He wasn't too sure, nor did he care too much to try and figure it out. He felt that he didn't want to know that answer. The moon hasn't shifted a bit since he woke up since who knows how long, and the clouds barely move at any direction.

He wasn't looking at the LCL for comfort. No, he was looking at it because it was the least uncomfortable thing to look at. To his left there laid the EVA-like monstrosities. The ones who made this carnage, the ones who made him confront the pale giant. They all now laid strewn out in the LCL Sea, positioned in a t-pose, its mouths wide open, showing off their blood-stained grins. Shinji wasn't sure if they were even dead or if they were just laying there, observing his every move.

Watching the sky would only make him see the rainbow of blood high up in the atmosphere, and it would remind him of how the rainbow came to be. Her sickening smile, her eyes-

'No. Rei couldn't have done that.' Shinji thought in his mind.

Its eyes were a hollow black, showing no soul behind them, showing no remorse or feelings as it unleashed its AT Field upon Humanity, engulfing the entire globe as the collective screams of everyone worldwide still echoed throughout Shinji's eardrums. The Third Impact, where humanity would both die and be reborn anew, or so what Shinji had believed to be. What he had hoped to be. What it should've been. But it wasn't true. No one was reborn.

Not a single person ever came out of the LCL, ready to reclaim their lives, ready to fight against their destiny for it.

A part of him damned the giant's existence, its actions having caused the death of humanity. But another part of himself damned his own existence. Because as much as he knew that the giant was the one who triggered it, he himself was the one who wished for it, for Instrumentality, and the giant was the one who willed his words into reality.

'I started Third Impact.'

He no longer had any tears left to shed, for he had already released all of them. He cried watching Misato sacrifice herself to protect him, he cried watching Asuka's corpse within the carcass of EVA 02, he cried realizing what he just wished for as the White Giant rose from the ground to meet him face to face up in the sky, and he cried for the last time as he was strangling Asuka on the sand.

'Asuka.' Shinji realized. He had completely forgotten about her.

He wanted to turn around, to see if she was still laying there, but he couldn't even bring himself to do it. He couldn't bear to look at her. He couldn't remember exactly what had happened after he grabbed Asuka's neck and began gripping it tightly. The memories all blurred together, and it didn't help that it was virtually impossible to tell how long had passed already.

Those weren't the only reasons he didn't want to turn around either. He didn't want to turn around; he just couldn't bring himself to do it. To look at the great beast whose decapitated head was laying sideways, right where he could see its face. And where it could see his face. He swore that he had seen the head move its eyes slightly many times whenever he looked at it, but at this point, he couldn't even be sure to trust his eyes anymore. It still had a grin etched on its face, almost as a mockery of the smile that Rei had given Shinji all those months prior following Operation Yashima, when they had fought the Fifth Angel. The smile that Shinji had treasured for all this time, knowing that it was his and only his to remember.

For a split moment, Shinji didn't feel lonely anymore when he remembered that memory. He felt like he had someone with him, someone he could bear this lonely fate with.

Another loud grumble from his stomach interrupted his thoughts. He hadn't eaten for as long as he could remember. At first, right after he had awoken, he was tempted to try to drink the LCL, remembering Dr. Akagi mentioning something about the liquid containing some nutritional value, but the thought of knowing that it was more or less the liquefied remains of humans shunned him away from doing any of that. He would spend time pondering how to get food and water while waiting for everyone to return from Instrumentality and retake their human forms, and maybe perhaps they could all together figure out a way to survive in this now-apocalyptic wasteland, but it never happened. Eventually Shinji was forced to drink the LCL. He felt dirty doing it, but there was no other choice. It only staved off the starvation but it never satiated the hunger.

He had already made a decision a while back, and considering how he could feel the burning bile within his throat and intense dizziness, it must've been a couple of days ago. He really didn't ponder it too much, only taking what felt like minutes to think about and decide to go with it. It felt like the only way to end this, to end this misery. He even felt relieved, and for the first time ever since waking up in this beach surrounded by the Sea, he felt joy.

He had chosen to not eat anymore. It initially sounded horrifying to Shinji, his survival instincts roaring against it, especially as the hunger began to persist once more. At many points he had nearly snapped from the painful acid refluxes and the pains in his stomach, curling up in the floor, sobbing as he wished he could be back with his Sensei. His life with his Sensei was somewhat depressing, but at least he wasn't lying on a beach, slowly dying of starvation surrounded by monstrosities that he couldn't even comprehend properly. He wished he could reverse time, back before he ended up here, before he became an EVA Pilot, before he ever read that damn card his Father sent him, requesting- no, ordering him to report to Tokyo-3 as soon as possible.

'Damn you, Father.' Shinji gritted in his mind. As his memories of his Father, Gendo Ikari, began rising again, so did his memories of his mother. Before, these memories would bring him a nostalgic happiness for her, but now, he just didn't feel anything for them.

'Anywhere can be paradise as long as you have the will to live.' he remembered Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki telling him about his mother's words. His neutral face twisted into that of anger.

"Damn you… Mother." He whispered. That was the first time he had spoken ever since arriving here in this beach. He could have never imagined himself saying that to Yui Ikari, his own Mother, prior to this. Everyone who knew her called her the closest thing to an Angel here on Earth. Even Gendo spoke positively about her every time him and Shinji would meet annually at Yui's grave. All these words would eventually form an impression of Yui for Shinji. He imagined her as the sole light in a place of darkness. He hated her for saying that, he hated her for thinking so selfishly. Or maybe he was the one being selfish for thinking like that. He really didn't know anymore.

He realized these words that came from his Mother were flawed. Severely. He laughed quietly at remembering these words. He laughed for what felt like minutes, even as the dizziness got to him, leaving him completely strewn in the floor. Even as the bile was threatening to reflux again, Shinji couldn't help but feel a disturbing excitement; excitement for his own demise. For any other case, it would've been immense fear, just like the fear he felt when fighting the Angels; the fear of death. But now, the fate of his destruction is also his joy.; his only way out.

His vision in his left eye began to go dark with black specks as the migraines got stronger. He closed his eyes to avoid looking at the moon. He didn't say anything. He just waited for the end to begin as his conscience became more faint.

He had always wondered how it would feel to simply not exist. To not be. But when he said that, he didn't mean to wish that he'd never been born or to die.

He didn't mean any of that. He yearned to somehow magically disappear, hopefully not in any way that would be slow, sad, painful, or horrible like the situation he was in at the moment. He sometimes wished that he could just fall asleep and simply not awaken. He didn't wish for death, he just simply wished to feel nothing. He felt that to not exist would be his only way to be free, free from this cruel destiny, free from the fear of this nightmarish existence. Free him from insanity. But at the same time, he desired his individuality, his desire to be him, his desire to live, or at least he thought he did. That was why he wished for everyone to regain their bodies and leave Instrumentality if they wished so. And after waking up, Shinji would just stay there waiting for everyone, for Misato, for the NERV personnel, for the remaining denizens of Tokyo-3, for the whole world to return back to life. And he waited. Seconds became minutes. Minutes became hours. Hours became days. Days would become meaningless as Shinji slowly lost his grasp of time.

So when no one ever came back, Shinji felt something he hadn't felt in a long time.

Disappointment.

He wasn't entirely too sure why he felt it, whether he felt disappointment in himself for thinking that he finally understood himself, or if he was disappointed at the others for rejecting their humanity. He wasn't sure, but he really didn't want to mull it over, not when he was finally approaching the end. So he laid there. Unmoving, waiting for death to greet him. He laid there waiting. He could feel the wind picking up more, almost as if it were biding him a farewell. He waited for it to come, for it to end, but it wasn't coming. As his thoughts began to buzz up, his mind began wandering to not only subjects that he didn't want to remember, but also to parts of him that he didn't want to remember either.

A part of him, a remaining sliver of sanity, cried out within him, a part of him that desired to live, no matter what. A part of him that made him wonder if his life did indeed have value and make all the pain worth it. A part of him that reminded him of all the happy memories that he had made in not just Tokyo-3 but in all his life. All this time, ever since realizing no one was coming back, he tried to make peace with himself, to fully accept that dying would be the best choice for him. But he was never able to fully get rid of all his doubts. Within all the starvation-induced brain fog, that small piece of him still snagged on to him, stubbornly refusing to dissipate. Recently, it had finally seemingly vanished, and he thought that it had finally left him be. It was around the time when Shinji had finally come to the conclusion of how to escape this forsaken existence. But that part of him had now returned once more, right as his time was ending. Even stronger than ever. This time, he didn't have the mental strength to hold it in.

"I-I don't wanna die." he whispered. Only the distant wind howl responded to him.

"I-I just don't- I can't." He spoke again

"I want to live." His voice started to waver.

"Not like this, I don't want to die. Please help me." The wind began howling louder, almost making him open his eyes. Almost.

"I don't wanna die!" he screamed, tears running down his cheeks.

"I don't want to die. I DON'T WANNA DIE!" He screamed.

The dam he had been holding back all this time finally shattered, and he broke down. The once silent air had been replaced with the choked sobs of the Eva Pilot, his hands covering his face as he let all his emotions out. He didn't care if Asuka was hearing him. Hell, he didn't even know if Asuka was still laying there.

His pained cries were suddenly interrupted by something soft and light brushing up against his right cheek.

It felt soft, feathery, and warm. And it chirped.

It chirped.

He snapped his eyes open and removed his hands from his face.

His eyes widened in shock.

He wasn't too sure what had caught him off guard first. The fact that the sun was shining brightly up in the sky, with no moon or any bloody rainbow in sight, or the fact that a small, grey colored bird, with red circles on both sides of its face, was the thing that was sitting in his cheek, looking at him curiously.