"Did you guys hear about that little crime spree going on in Toshima?"
Shino and I glance at each other in question before looking back at Aria. "No," says Shino. "What's happening over there?"
"There's been a series of break-ins the past week. All pharmacies. The police believe there's a pattern to the break-ins to suggest that it's all being done by the same group!"
"Jeez man," I say. "Has anybody been hurt?"
Aria shakes her head. "So far, no, fortunately. Get this, though. The strange thing is what they're stealing. It's mostly painkillers, like you would expect, but they're also stealing a surprising amount of sildenafil!"
"Viagra?" cries Shino, laughing. "Hey, be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!"
Giggling, Aria nods and says, "It makes you feel so fortunate that we live in an area with such a low crime rate, though, doesn't it? Fuyuki's been nice and quiet for as long as I can remember." That gets an involuntary snide chuckle out of me. Fuyuki wasn't always quiet, though they don't need to know that.
"Kind of weird," I say. "Now, the painkillers I understand, but why rob a bunch of Viagra, too? Is it because of the price of resale?"
"Probably! Stealing all that stuff just to sell it under the table on the street. You know, like drug dealers!"
"Maybe they're pimps selling drugs on the side just trying to feed their prostitutes," says Shino.
"Viagra?"
Shino shrugs. "I don't know what prostitutes eat, Aria."
"Food," I say, chuckling.
"Oh, right." Shino laughs sheepishly. "Well, my point still stands! Imagine it. Pimps stealing drugs in order to maintain the cost of living for their prostitutes."
"Wait!" says Aria. "What if those pimps are selling Viagra to their clients to make them hornier so they keep coming back for more?"
"Pimps would never give Viagra to their clients, Aria."
"Why not, Shino?"
"Time is money! Four hours sucking and ****ing the same client for no extra charge is a waste!"
"Oh, that's a good point! Well, then maybe pimps participating in the resale of stolen drugs really is to just maintain the cost of living for their prostitutes. Especially the food bill! Prostitutes must eat a lot to begin with because they blow so much energy —"
"And ****s!"
"And ****s, of course, to satisfy their clients! Pimps reselling Viagra on the side must be a lucrative way to pad their income."
"Wait, Aria. What if we've been looking at this all wrong? What if prostitutes actually make more money than drug dealers?"
"How do you figure, Shino?"
"Think about it. A drug dealer has to keep endlessly going through all the trouble of manufacturing new crack to keep the money flowing in. A prostitute, on the other hand, can just wash her crack and resell it right away!"
Aria lights up. "That's true, Shino!"
"You both seem to know an awful lot about drugs and prostitutes," I grumble. "And Viagra."
Shino is pondering now, staring up at the ceiling. Humming, she asks, "What do you suppose happens when a woman takes Viagra?"
I shrug. "Nothing, probably?"
"But what if it makes them hard, too?"
"How even?"
"Well, you know. It still might increase blood flow down there to make your clit rock hard!"
Aria gasps. "Or your labia minora!"
"Or your labia majora!"
"Or all five!"
Together, they cry out, "Surprise reverse-quintuple penetration!" My hands shoot up to cover their mouths.
"Or maybe — just maybe — it only earns her a trip to the emergency room."
Loud muffled cheering erupts from within the classroom next to us. Normally, we'd dismiss this and move on, and both Shino and Aria are about to do just that. However, I swear that one of those voices belonged to Caster. I get up on my toes to peer through the window of the door to find Caster among a group of innocent students. They're all laughing, their backs turned to me.
Barely even entertaining any rational concepts, my hand shoots for the knob of the Fashion Club classroom. I mean, I'm trying to remind myself over and over again as the knob turns that Caster has been carrying herself with an entirely benign grace since the start of the school year. At some point, she'd even become the Fashion Club advisor, so there really should be no suspicion on my part for why she's in the Fashion Club classroom right now. Does any of this stop me from rushing into the room to confront a non-existent hostility, though? No. No it does not.
The laughter within stops abruptly. Caster and that group of students turn to look at me, Aria, and Shino standing at the doorway uninvited. At this, three thoughts rush through my mind in sequential order. My first thought is: Goddamn it. Caster's got that mischievous gleam in her eye that she always used to get right before ordering Lancer or me to do something stupid. My second thought is: What's with the frilly dress on that mannequin they're all crowded around? Finally, my third thought is: Oh, shit. It's those transplants from Tokyo. When did they join the Fashion Club?
What the hell have I just walked myself into?
"Oh," says Caster. "If it isn't Miss Pendragon! We also have Miss Amakusa and Miss Shichijou, as well!" She claps and addresses the students around her joyfully. "Perk up, ladies! We've got the student council on deck!" At that, the students give us a bow and friendly greeting, to which we return. Afterwards, Caster strikes a fancy pose while saying, "Welcome to the Fashion Club! We're not stubborn. We're just clothes-minded!" Really? And yet, laughs abound at that. Even from Shino and Aria.
"Forgive us for the intrusion, Missus Kuzuki!" says Shino, still chuckling. "It appears that we may have just wandered into the wrong room." Oh. Well, thank you for covering my ass, Shino. "If you'll please excuse us, we'll be taking our leave now."
"Wait, before you go. If it's not too much trouble, we'd like to ask for some assistance from the student council. Specifically, from Miss Pendragon over there."
Shino and Aria look at me. "Yes, Missus Kuzuki?" asks Shino. "What can we and her do for you?"
"The issue is this." She gestures to the dress they're crowded around. "You see, mannequins only offer so much insight for us in the Fashion Club. We need somebody around this very size to model our latest creation for us, and it appears that Miss Pendragon there fits the bill quite perfectly!" Oh, shit.
"I see!" says Aria. "It would be up to Artoria, of course, though if I might ask, wouldn't you all be able to minimize this issue in the future by increasing the size of your super-cute outfits just a tad?"
"We would, Miss Shichijou, but we intentionally make them so small to cut back on costs and material usage in the long run. Not a slight on your council's monthly allowances for our club, of course! We're just able to bring even more of our ideas to life at a time if we make outfits of reduced sizes."
Shino has her hand on her chin, nodding supportively. "That's very clever of you all! Well, Pendragon? What do you say?"
I grunt internally, eyes locked on that girly-girl dress on the mannequin. All that comes out of my mouth is an, "Uh . . ."
"Come on, Miss Pendragon. Don't be shy!" Caster then smiles at me sweetly. "After all, the motto of Ousai's student council is . . ."
Shino looks at Aria and me and grins. The three of us stick our fists up into the air and declare, "To do the jobs which no one else will do!" There may or may not have been some half-heartedness there on my part.
With that, I'm ushered onto a platform in the middle of the room. From there, I get surrounded by a bunch of girls holding tape measures and notepads, and then am stripped down to my panties. Every inch of my body gets measured, and I do mean every inch. Fun fact: My areolas are 32.8mm in diameter. I could have lived out the rest of my immortal existence never having known that information, and that would've been entirely okay with me. As awkward and uncomfortable as this all is, however, the oddly frequent compliments I receive on my musculature somehow makes it sort of worthwhile.
The whole process itself takes much longer than expected. I'm topless for way too long, then a bunch of layers get meticulously placed onto me from top to bottom. At some point between a corset and a garter, one of the girls curses, announcing to the team that they made a mistake by not putting on my boots and underwear first. The whole process gets reset and thankfully carries out in the proper order of operations, though there's a prolonged moment where I'm standing completely ass-naked. I swear. If Hata has a camera in here, I'm going to have to really, really restrain myself from genuinely shoving it up her ass in retaliation. Though knowing Hata, she'd just end up filming that, too.
The whole time, Shino and Aria gleefully help in every way they can. Towards the end, they're assisting Caster in putting the finishing touches on some fancy fringe hairstyle that involves braids and pigtails which all hang down past my neck. Some kind of bonnet gets tied on top of that.
Then finally, after putting more makeup on my face than my face probably weighs, I'm ushered to a full-body mirror. Shino, Aria, Caster, and the whole Fashion Club spend at least a minute hailing and cooing at their work before they actually ask me what I think. Although, I don't recall a single instance where a model's opinion actually mattered to the artist. Personally, I think it looks a bit tacky; as in, excessively frivolous simply for the sake of being excessively frivolous. Then again, I guess that's what a lot of fashion is really all about. So . . . well done, ladies. On a related note, I tell myself that the deep redness in my cheeks is just makeup.
They ask me again what I think of it all. Opting for safer feedback just so I can get the hell out of here already, I say, "Wow, dude. I kind of look like a living doll."
"I know, right?" says Caster. "You're absolutely adorable, Miss Pendragon!"
"So, is this, like . . . steampunk?" They all guffaw at me like a room full of aunts around a child whose face is messy with ice cream.
Slapping her knee, Caster says, "Steampunk? Please! This is gothic Lolita, Miss Pendragon. An admittedly niche array of fashion these days that we're hoping to help bring back into the limelight! Now, we'll need to take some reference photos. Could we ask you to stand over here? Ladies, help me clear these desks and boxes please?" As much as I hate to admit it, the members of the Fashion Club seem to completely adore Caster. They eagerly follow her every command. I sense nearly zero prana in the air, too, which leads me to believe that their adoration is unfortunately genuine.
Then come the pictures. Many, many pictures. I'll be seeing dots for the rest of the day. An entire corkboard gets filled with my Polaroids by the end of it all, and on these Polaroids are many excessively feminine poses they asked me to strike which some might consider to be unnatural. During a moment when they all fawn at the collage, my first instinct is to reach up and cover the display, but I let the feeling pass since this outfit would deny me such a range of motion, anyway.
As they all continue chattering and patting themselves on the back, I move to check my watch, but quickly remember that it's stashed away in my book bag along with my cell phone. There's no clock in this room either. "Hey, does anybody have the time?"
Shino checks her wristwatch. "Oh! It's about nine minutes before the bell rings." This throws a bit of panic among the Fashion Club members in the room, and they scramble to grab their belongings. Before we know it, they're rushing out the room with Caster taking her sweet time behind them. "Be sure to lock this room up when you leave, ladies!" Caster says to the three of us. "Please, and thank you!"
"Wait! What about this dress?"
Caster feigns a theatrical level of regret. "Oh, my! Forgive us, Miss Pendragon! I'm afraid that everybody's already left. Although, we would've never have had enough time to take it all back off, anyway. It took us half an hour to get that cute little outfit on you in the first place!"
"But —"
"Don't rip the dress now!" She then gives a quick wink; either to us, or to somebody at the back of the room. With that, the door shuts and she's gone.
"Um, excuse me?" comes a soft voice from behind us. We turn to see a dainty, timid freshman standing there. There's a sympathetic look on her face. Holding out my book bag and the canvas bag they folded my clothes into, she says, "I'm so sorry about all this, Miss Pendragon. The Fashion Club will be meeting again right after school in this very same room." We then follow her to the door. She holds it open for us and we all exit back out into the hall. "I know it's a lot of trouble, but if I could please ask you to head back over here after school, we'll get that dress off. I promise." With that, she gives very polite bows to each one of us and is off.
Sweet kid. Looks really familiar, too, but I can't quite place my finger on why. At that, I turn to Aria and Shino. "I guess I'll see you guys tomorrow."
"Nonsense, Artoria! Shino and I will walk you to your class right now."
"And we'll escort you back here after class, too! We won't leave you hanging."
I'm touched. "Thanks, guys."
Shino carries both of my bags in her free hand. They shadow me all the way to the nearest staircase, with Aria keeping an eye on my steps all the while. She makes the effort to only reach out and help me at the points that I briefly lose my balance because of these damn boots. I only ever learned to walk with block heels to make me look just a bit taller as the king, and never in a manner that made me sway my hips for obvious reasons. These ****ing stilettos, though! God, the way I'm walking probably looks like I've got a turtle head poking out, or something.
At the middle platform that divides the staircase, Aria moves to Shino and opens my canvas bag to pull out my sneakers. "Would you like to swap out your shoes, Artoria? We know you can't bend down to do it yourself, so we can help you."
"Appreciate the thought, but unfortunately . . ." I hike up my ruffly skirt quickly, though carefully to avoid damaging the fabric. It rises enough for them to lean down and see how intricately my boots are put together.
"Wow!" says Shino. "Is that why they were spending so much time on you down there? Aria and I couldn't see a thing when they were crowded around your lower half."
"Whoa-whoa! What do you all think you're doing?" We look up to see Miss Yokoshima coming down the steps. "Hey, it doesn't matter if you're all girls here. Looking up another student's skirt is against the rules." She looks confused at our accusatory, silent stares. Finally, she asks, "What?"
"Why are you acting like a teacher all of the sudden?"
Yokoshima's face goes slack. "I am a teacher, Amakusa."
Shino looks unimpressed. "Miss Yokoshima, you, yourself, have looked up my skirt on multiple occasions."
Yokoshima waves us away. "Whatever, you three. Get to class already." At that, she leaves us be. Or at least she does until she suddenly reappears at my side with her tongue licking her drooling lips. "By the way, Pendragon. Are you wearing that erotic getup to seduce Tsuda, or something? Does this mean he has a steampunk fetish? Tell me where you got that outfit. I'm going to dress like that for Halloween and pull him into a closet. Oh, baby. We're going to take the hotdog bus to taco town!" She gets pulled away by the ear courtesy of Shino.
"Thank you, Miss Yokoshima! Please head to your classroom. The bell's about to ring, so you don't want to be late."
"You're a ****-blocking spoilsport, Shino Amakusa!"
Aria calls out, "By the way, Miss Yokoshima! It's gothic Lolita, not steampunk!"
"Goth Loli? Oh, that's even sexier!"
"And also out of your age range."
"Up yours, Pendragon!" Yokoshima's voice is drowned out by how far down the stairs she already is. Also probably by the howling from Aria and Shino.
"Anyways, it's the moment of truth, Artoria," says Aria as we near the top of the stairs. "It's just a short walk to your classroom from here. I hope you're not too nervous."
"Believe it or not, Aria, but I've worn crazier clothing than this in public before. I'll be fine. Thank you, though."
Once we reach the top and enter the hallway, I'm relieved to find that fate doesn't seem to be picking on me today. There's just the normal number of students around right before a class starts, and their surprised stares and camera phones recording don't prove to be as bad as I'd kind of been dreading. With Shino and Aria at my flanks, I just go for the classic throwback strategy: standing tall and walking with pride.
"You're into cosplay, Miss Pendragon?"
"Yo! Isn't it a little too early for Halloween?"
"That dress is so cute!"
"What the hell are you wearing, dude?"
The comments range the spectrum, though at least don't get mean-spirited. Moreover, they conveniently share the virtue of being able to be answered with the same dismissive reply: "I was just helping out the Fashion Club." Between Shino, Aria, and I, the Fashion Club gets mentioned about a dozen times before we round the corner.
"Finally, somebody who understands the pain," says Suzu. She's smiling at me as we approach her and Takatoshi. "Fashion Club?"
"Fashion Club. So, this happened to you, too?"
"Twice. Both times were because they said I was the only one who could fit into the outfits they made."
"Dude, same!"
"Really?" asks Takatoshi. "Why don't they just make bigger outfits, then?"
"It's cheaper to make smaller ones," Suzu and I say at the same time.
"Ah."
"While we're all here," says Aria with a clap. "So, next week is Golden Week!"
I smile. "Oh, that's right! One entire week off, plus two weekends. I got to say, it's sounds awesome."
"It always is," Shino says, nodding. "Did you guys make any plans?"
Takatoshi looks at me, and we both shrug. "Not really," he says. "If something comes up, I'd be down for it. Though, I wouldn't be opposed to just loafing around the entire time."
"Same, to be honest," I say. "I know I haven't been with you guys on the council for very long, but this whole year has been quite a handful already."
"I'd say that's an understatement," says Shino. "I feel like a lot more happened this year than it did last. As if there's been more development somehow. I'm not sure if my mind's just playing tricks on me, though."
"I'm actually getting that same feeling," says Aria. She gives a sneaky sidelong glance at Takatoshi. "So, if you guys don't really have anything planned, how about if we head over to my family's mountain range?" I feel myself flinch at that, whereas the others beam in gratitude.
"That's a great idea, Aria!" says Shino. "That's so generous of you to offer! So, which mountain did you have in mind?" They own more than one?
"It would have to be the public one this time. The private range is going to be full of my dad's business associates this whole week. My dad said I could go if I wanted to, but I'd rather not."
"Guessing those business associates are those 'wealthy snobs' you've been talking about lately?" asks Suzu.
Aria laughs. "If I can avoid them, I will."
"No worries, Shichijou. We'd love to go to your mountain range with you!"
"This weekend work for you guys?" At our nods, she continues with, "And hey, if you guys are interested, we could also go to my family's theme park before Golden Week ends! It's been a while since I've gone there myself." Oh, right! Aria mentioned that theme park to me once. So, the Shichijous don't just own a theme park and a private beach, but they run a couple of entire mountain ranges, too? Jeez, what's next? A freakin' island? "Or maybe even one of my family's islands!" ****ing one of them?
"Pendragon, are you okay?"
I shut the mouth that I did not know was hanging open and turn to nod at Suzu. "I am fine."
Takatoshi laughs. "Oh, right. I guess we never told you that the Shichijous own a theme park, mountains, and some islands, huh?"
"The theme park, I knew about, but the mountains and islands threw me for a loop."
They continue to chat excitedly about coordinating plans for the week, but it all drowns out to me instantaneously. I can't help but notice that Kaede Igarashi is staring dumbstruck at us down the hall. Perplexed, I study the scene quickly.
For once, there's nothing egregious going on in our group to warrant such a reaction from Kaede. We're good on our end. Behind us is a harmless enough sight of chatterboxes, so she couldn't have been stupefied by something else our way. She's definitely looking at us. I almost dismiss the matter as her just being in astonishment at the outfit I'm wearing, but the look on her face is a bit too familiar to me to be used for this new occurrence of me walking around like Cinderella's gone emo. The answer must lie on Kaede's end, then, but what could possibly be getting her so spooked right now? Wait, her hand is currently clutched by another girl, as if Kaede had been pulled along all this way against her will. Said girl is from the Film Club. Also, she's a fellow sophomore from the class next door to ours. What was her name again?
Ah, right. Nao Hanamaki. The only reason I know that is because she's kind of famous in Ousai for always making such gag-inducing, lovey-dovey displays of affection with her boyfriend all over campus, and therefore always getting into trouble with the Disciplinary Committee. Sometimes with us, too. So, then. She must be the reason why Kaede's got on that face. Weirdly enough, it's the kind of face I've noticed that she only puts on when Takatoshi suddenly gets her all flustered. Wait. That's why the look on her face looks so familiar to me. Oh, shit.
"Hey there, Vice President Tsuda!" Nao Hanamaki is hollering in a playful sing-song. "What do you say about going on a double-date with us?" Oh, shit.
For just an instant, Takatoshi's head motions to look back at us, but he decides against it. Good call on his part, as that would just be giving the wrong implications to every eye in the hallway right now. And every eye in the hallway right now is staring right at the most popular boy in Ousai to await his response. Whatever it may be.
"That might be a bit difficult, Miss Hanamaki," Takatoshi says very carefully. This causes each observer to nudge themselves towards the edges of their proverbial seats. From what I know of Ousai's hallway gossip, I'm guessing the general notion is that Takatoshi Tsuda might very well be getting ready to finally confirm all those rumors that he's already in a relationship with his superior, President Shino Amakusa. Or Eiryou-President Uomi, whose feelings toward Takatoshi have become something of an open secret around Ousai. Or even already in a relationship with me, I guess, thanks in no small part to the overly ambiguous interpretation of my interview which Hata posted in the first school paper of the year. Then right as the tension grows taut enough to snap, Takatoshi simply replies with, "I don't have someone to take on this double-date." The anticlimactic answer drops nearly every shoulder around.
"Of course, you do!" To Kaede's horror, Hanamaki pulls her over and secures her in place. Grinning, Hanamaki continues with, "Igarashi here will be your date!"
"Oh. Well, that's great! I'd be happy to go. I mean, if Igarashi is okay with it, of course." He smiles at her very supportively, low-key offering her an out. Kaede seems to interpret the hint, but surprisingly begins a moment of deliberation rather than accepting it. Finally, Kaede inhales sharply, looking away in a huff.
"Well, I'm not opposed to the idea, Tsuda. I guess it's settled, then. It's you and me for this . . ." She clears her throat. "For this double-date." Well, then. Is this another contender entering the race? The usual circle may have just officially gotten some extra competition here!
"If I remember correctly, Yoshi's in your elective class," says Hanamaki, referring to her boyfriend. "Right, Tsuda?"
"Uh, yeah. He is."
"Okay, I'll have him give you the details tomorrow after we've decided on the day and time. We'll be looking forward to our double-date with you, Takatoshi Tsuda. And I'm sure Igarashi here will be counting each and every minute until then." With that, they both take their leave. Igarashi is keeping her face down as she walks, avoiding the teasing stares of every student she passes.
"Yeah," I say. "It looks like she won't be getting a wink of sleep until then."
Takatoshi nods. "Though maybe for all the wrong reasons."
We both look over at Suzu, expecting her to contribute out of a Grumblers instinct, but she's in the midst of a thousand-yard stare. Same goes for Shino. Aria's even showing some insecurity at this predicament, but she's lucid enough to maintain decorum.
Shino suddenly shakes her head energetically, snapping herself out of her funk. "So, that just happened."
"I'm sure there's a perfectly rational explanation for all this," offers Takatoshi. "We can get to the bottom of this double-date thing soon enough, but for now, it's about to be sixth period."
"Tsuda's right," says Aria. "Shino, the bell's about to ring. We should head upstairs to our classroom."
"Thanks again for walking me here, you guys."
Shino smiles at me, though there's a tinge of sadness in it. "Of course, Pendragon. Remember, we'll be back after school to pick you up. Just wait here for us, okay?" She hands me back my bags and we all trade goodbyes. Just before turning around, though, Shino gives Takatoshi a brief, yet longing, stare. With that, Takatoshi, Suzu, and I head for our own classroom.
Suzu is still in shock, quivering. She walks ahead of us before disappearing through the door without saying a word. Takatoshi is about to call out to her, but I stop him. "Pro-tip? Give her some space for now."
He chuckles. "Got it."
Suddenly, Nene Todoroki rushes out of our classroom. "Wow, Artoria! That's the cutest dress ever!"
"Thanks, Nene. The Fashion Club asked me to put it on."
"Oh, I absolutely love the goth Loli look!" She's fussing over me, growing giddier while inspecting the fabric, yet thankfully respecting the Fashion Club's hard work enough to avoid touching too much. "Look at these frills! And your boots are so complex! Even the underwear they put you in is masterfully decorated. And so risqué, too! It's see-through, and the ribbon makes it look like your ***** is gift-wrapped!"
"Uh, Nene? Please get your face out of my crotch."
She crawls out from under my skirt, tittering. "Sorry. I got a little carried away there."
Takatoshi holds up his hand, gesturing to ask Nene to keep it down. "Maybe we should try not to make a huge deal about it, Todoroki. I feel like the more one person gets worked up about Pendragon's outfit, the more likely it is that the rest of the class will start getting overexcited. You know what I mean?"
"Oh! That's a good point, Tsuda. Sorry again, Artoria."
"No worries, Nene." I sigh. "To be perfectly honest, though? I'm not as worried about our classmates teasing me as I am about how the hell I'm going to sit down at my desk for the next hour with this dress on. The skirt barely bends at all."
Nene gasps. "Wait, this is the perfect time to test out my latest invention!" She pulls out a metal rod that automatically unfolds into what looks like a four-legged barstool with a bicycle seat instead of a regular seat. "I designed this to help girls with their posture in bed. It has no back, so you should be able to sit on it the whole time with no problem!"
"Wait, why would I need to sit on a barstool in bed?"
"You don't! It's just for training your posture while you're in it."
"Training? Huh." Well, it looks innocuous enough. I give a shrug and reach for it, but Takatoshi instantaneously grabs my hand and bulges his eyes at me in warning. "What?" I ask him.
"Wait for it . . ."
"By the way, this posture-trainer is fully equipped to simulate the real thing!" Nene flips a switch, and two hideously ribbed dildos erupt from the seat to whir violently like they've got something to prove. And of course, they're positioned directly where my two lower holes would've been.
It takes me a bit longer than I'd care to admit to break free from the spell this monstrosity has on me. Finally, I very firmly enunciate, "I will pass, Nene Todoroki. My answer is no."
"Oh. Well, maybe next time, then!" All smiles, she stows away the contraption and skips happily back into our classroom while humming an innocent tune.
I look up at Takatoshi and smile, channeling into this gesture every milligram of gratitude in my being as possible. Once again, he simply nods back like a true bro. Takatoshi Tsuda, I could kiss you right now. You literally just saved my ass on this day, and as God is my witness, I will not soon forget it!
