On the the aftermath of Bespin...

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"You and Han?"

Leia's eyes rose to meet Luke's and it seemed more of a statement than a question. He lay on the medical bunk of the Millennium Falcon. Soon, they would rendezvous with the fleet and get him the medical attention he needed. She lowered her eyes and nodded, despair returning just as furiously as it had hit her on Cloud City.

"You knew?" she asked quietly, gaze still averted.

"No, not really." He paused, causing Leia to look back to him. "I suspected…but now…I can sense it." He stared into the distance at nothing.

Leia watched him with concern. He was different…something had happened back there, with Vader. But she could tell he wanted to talk about it no more than she wished to discuss what had happened to Han.

"Chewie and Lando…" Anger stabbed her through the heart. She was unable to spare any forgiveness for the man who had led Han to his capture. Regardless of what he had done for them since. "They're going after Han, to rescue him." She could hear the strain in her own voice, the sorrow and desperation.

His head turned to her with a grim expression. "They'll find him, Leia."

She nodded with more confidence than she felt and looked down at her nervous fingers before the tears sprung to her eyes again. When she looked up, Luke looked weary, his eyes half-open.

"Rest," she said quietly with a gentle stroke to his brow. He nodded weakly and closed his eyes.

She watched him a moment, distracted from her own misery by wondering about Luke. The loss of his hand seemed to be the least of his concerns.

Why had Vader wanted him so badly? And what had happened on his quest to become a Jedi?

It was easier to think about Luke than it was to think about her own loss. Thoughts of Han cut too deeply.

She glanced around the medbay. He was everywhere on this ship, even while he was no place at all. How many times had they patched each other up on the bunk where Luke now lay? Cuts, abrasions, a few broken bones…each had grudgingly allowed the other to tend to their wounds on more occasions than she could count.

Tears gathered but she swallowed them back. Why was it that the simplest, most mundane memories seemed to hurt the most?

She was beyond drained and exhausted, both emotionally and physically. But sleep meant his cabin…and she was not ready for that.

Luke seemed to be sleeping peacefully now, so Leia left his side and wandered the corridor, trying to simply exist without thinking. It was not so easy.

She continued to the cockpit to find Lando in Han's pilot seat with Chewie beside him. And irrational flare of anger and resentment spread through her at the sight of him in the chair of the man he had betrayed.

Chewie whined a sympathetic question and Leia wasn't certain how to answer. Was she all right? Was he? She nodded dully, eyes rounding to the floor.

"Princess, we'll be arriving at the fleet rendezvous at 0400," Lando said quietly.

Her features hardened and she raised her head but did not look at him. She was probably being a bit hard on him…he had freed them and tried to rescue Han…but she simply couldn't stomach the sight of him yet.

With a few soft barks, Chewbacca gently suggested she lie down and rest.

She felt her brow tense and took a long breath.

"There's nothing to do but wait," Lando added.

She imagined she must look a mess since they were both pressuring her. They were right. The adrenaline was wearing off and she knew she was pushing herself, could feel the brink of fatigue she was heading towards.

"Okay," she agreed in a tight voice. When they arrived at the fleet, she would be hounded to report all that had transpired. She was dreading it for so many reasons. This might be her last bit of peace for some time. And she would need her strength.

Before she could move, Chewie reached out and gripped her small hand in his, instantly burying it within his fur. He woofed in quiet empathy, bringing a lump bobbing to her throat. She swallowed hard, brow knitting together. If it were anyone but Han's closest friend, she couldn't handle the pity. But she knew Chewie's grief was akin to her own, so she accepted it. She squeezed his hand briefly then leaned impulsively forward and embraced him around the shoulders. With a soft, reassuring growl in her ear, he vowed to rescue Han and bring him back to her.

Leia stood, offered him a weepy smile, and left the cockpit before it all became too much. Her feet moved slowly through the main corridor, stalling for time. Her heart did not want to enter the cabin that had been home for the past few weeks.

As she approached the door, a feeling of panic began to rise. She beat it back with a few deep breaths.

How different this was from the loss of Alderaan. Seeing her entire world destroyed had been too overwhelming to immediately process. Gone in a flash, yet pushed from her mind, too much to endure. She had begun so strong and had bolstered that strength with her fight against the Empire.

But in reality, it had left her a bit weaker for having suffered such an extreme tragedy. She hadn't been truly aware of it until now.

She supposed that was one of the reasons she had fought her feelings for Han. Just one more loss might be too much.

It felt that way just now…too much.

She realized she was standing in front of the cabin door with her eyes closed. Forcing them open, she took a deep breath and palmed the door open.

In the doorway, her heart was thundering, seemed to be beating in her ears. Her eyes perused the small room.

The sheets were tangled, a pair of Han's pants lie on the floor beside the bunk. It seemed empty without his lively, masculine presence.

Closing her eyes against threatening tears, she was breathing too quickly, becoming dizzy with grief. Images flew through her mind…

Flashes of Han's hands, his mouth, the intensity of his eyes, the deep sounds of pleasure she drew from him with her touch. That crooked grin that disarmed her so much more easily than she would ever have admitted to him. He had captured her from the beginning, before either had even known it.

A gaping hole now resided in her chest, where Han used to be, that intimate space in her heart. She fell into the cabin, hurting, hurting so very much.

Han was everywhere at once…she could see him lying in bed, poised in an alluring position that beckoned her closer…at his desk, tinkering with some stray part of the Falcon…standing beside the bunk with a roguish grin as he fastened his shirtfront.

He was everywhere, yet nowhere, and Leia moved to the bunk to lie down with graceful weariness. Han's heady, masculine scent surrounded her and the pain was excruciating…the tears swelled behind her eyes until she could no longer contain them. The sobs poured forth, soaking the pillow, leaving her cheeks stained with tears, her nose congested, head throbbing and chest clenched. Leia cried as she hadn't in years, until she was depleted of all emotion and felt nothing beyond a stupor of numbness.

All she could think of was how easy it had been to willingly bind herself to solitary confinement after Alderaan. Yet now, as she lay there, weak and spent, she felt lonelier than ever.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

She had dozed for a scant few hours before seeking Chewie out and speaking to him privately.

He had understood her feelings yet not her urgency. The Wookiee couldn't quite comprehend how she was willing to sacrifice precious hours for something that could have waited until a more opportune time

But Leia couldn't wait. It needed to be done as soon as possible. She had woken knowing it was the right decision, regardless of what the future might hold. She should have realized it sooner.

Those first few moments after opening her eyes had been deceitful…the twilight of waking seemed to erase the memory of what had occurred at Cloud City. When it all rushed back into her awareness, she was devastated all over again. Devastated but determined.

Oh, Han…I will save you. Just hold on a little longer and please, please, please be okay.

It had been a very long time since Leia had been to the castle of the Palacios and it seemed even more enormous than she remembered it. The family had greeted her with surprise and relief. They had all feared the worst. It had pleased Leia to see Benny's parents again, but the visit was bittersweet.

Walking the grounds, her hand clasped in Benny's, Leia was riddled with anxiety and discomfort. She had to do this, but it was not going to be easy.

"I was so scared for you," Benny said quietly, head down, eyes serious. He tugged her to a stop and she turned to face him. "That's twice now that I thought I'd lost you." His lips turned up to a small smile. "I'm the luckiest man alive that you always come back to me."

Leia took a deep breath through her nose and turned her gaze to the grassy ground beneath their feet. She didn't wish to hurt him. But she was finally going to make a decision based on what she wanted.

She took Benny's other hand so that now both their hands were joined.

"Benny, there's something I need to tell you. I care so much about you. You've been my best friend forever."

A glint of suspicion hit his eyes, as if he knew something unwanted were coming.

She paused, gathered her nerve, and spoke in a low, somber tone. "I can't marry you, Benny. I came here to tell you that."

His brow furrowed, confusion and disbelief now present in his eyes. "You're saying can't…but truly, you mean won't."

Her mouth opened for a moment before she found words. Her gaze was locked on his to convey her sincerity. "I truly mean 'can't.' Because my heart won't allow me."

He was scrutinizing everything about her expression. His eyes finally grew a bit smaller. "Is there someone else?"

Leia lowered her head for just a moment, then met his eyes again. Her chin rose, a regal gesture she wasn't even aware of. "Yes. There is. I'm sorry."

He dropped her hands as disgust twisted his lips to a silent snarl. "And how long has that been going on?"

Leia felt an irrational, guilty pang. "Quite some time. Before you found me again."

"Is it that Skywalker fellow?" he asked in a stilted tone.

She shook her head. "No, it's not Luke."

"Then who is it?" he demanded sharply.

"It doesn't matter who it is."

"It does to me! You expect to toss me aside when we have an agreement. It damned well does matter who it is."

Grimacing, she looked away. "Benny," she implored, returning her gaze to his. "What matters is, we made this agreement when we were barely more than children. Before we knew what life held for us and what we wanted."

"You mean before you knew what you wanted. I still want the same as I did then."

Her eyes dropped and she nodded slowly before looking back at him. "Then yes. Before I knew what I wanted." She placed a hand on his arm and affected a tone that pleaded with him to understand. "I'm not the same girl as I was then. My life is as opposite from that as it could be. I don't want the same things as I did then." She gestured to the castle on her left. "This is not my life anymore. And I don't wish it to be."

He softened and stepped closer to her. "Leia, this doesn't have to be our life. We don't need to live here, or in any castle at all. We can live wherever you want."

Her gaze flicked away momentarily and she sighed internally. He didn't understand. "Benny," she said softly. "I don't love you like that. I will always love you as a dear friend. But I will never love you as a woman should love a husband."

His lips hardened to a grim line. "Do you love this other man?"

Han's features flashed before her eyes and that pain sliced through her again. "Yes," she whispered, eyes lowered.

He was silent for a long moment. "Leia," he implored softly. "You would dishonor the memory and reputation of the House Organa for this man?"

A low blow, but one she was prepared for. Her head rose to a haughty peak. "If there is one thing I know, it is that my parents would want me to be happy. I've thought on that long and hard and I know they would support my decision."

His hands fell away from her. "I could hold you to this agreement," he said with a slow burn.

"Would that make you happy?" she asked, mirroring his tone. "To have a wife you forced into marriage? One who resented you every day of your life together?"

His eyes grew steelier. "And what of the Rebellion? The resources I can bring to your war?"

Genuine anger began to brew inside her. "I have sacrificed everything for this war." Her voice was low and rough. "But, I'm not willing to sell my soul to the highest bidder. I will keep that one thing for myself."

"Is that how you see me? Stealing your soul and trying to buy you?"

"No." She shook her head slowly. "That's how I see myself. At sixteen, I was willing to enter into a marriage of convenience and mutual benefit. The Alliance was at the forefront of my mind. I didn't know anything else." Her voice softened. "But, if I went through with it now, I would be selling my soul. I would be completely untrue to myself and the man that I love. I can't do that, Benny." Those damnable tears were behind her eyes again. "I won't do that. This one time in my life, I will live for myself."

His arms crossed over his chest and his gaze descended to the ground. He remained silent.

Leia took a step closer to him. "Benny, if you truly care about me, release me from this agreement. I can't, Benny. I simply can't."

His jaw jutted outward, his arms dropped to his sides, and she saw resignation settle in his eyes. "Leia. I do care about you, I've always cared about you. I've always dreamed of the day you would be my wife." He paused meaningfully. "You're right. I don't want to force you to do so. I do think you're making a mistake, one that you will come to regret in the future. But I won't stop you. I will release you from the agreement on one condition."

The lump in her throat began to dissipate as deliverance seemed to be in her sights. "What is the condition?" she asked calmly.

"You tell me who this man is."

She sighed. "All right," she acquiesced, nodding. It felt as if Han were sacred, something she did not wish to share, as if this bit of information were private, something she wanted to cling to tightly, greedily, as just hers. But, if it would end this mess, she would do it. "Han Solo," she breathed with reverence.

He blinked a few times before his eyes widened. "The smuggler? The one you were with all these weeks?" he sputtered in disbelief.

She nodded, defensiveness rising in her throat.

Benny looked genuinely shocked. "What could a smuggler give you that I can't?"

Leia smiled, knowing for certain that this man was incapable of understanding. But it didn't matter, not at all. He was letting her go and she never had to see him again. All that mattered was Han. And now, her path to him was clear and she felt optimistic that he would soon be by her side again. And she was never going to let him go, as long as she had any say in the matter.

"Nothing," Leia replied in a light tone. Her smile broadened. "And yet, everything."

The look of confusion on his face almost made her laugh. She hoped that one day, he too would find true love. Then, he would understand.