Dressed in a tight leather corset, risque lingerie, fishnets and thigh high latex boots, and sporting pins around their face as suggested by their name, the demon Cenobite known as , Pinhead for short, sauntered on stage as the curtain opened to reveal the androgynous, non-binary creature of hellish perfection.
It was then the orchestra swelled.
It's time to play
Whether straight, bi or gay
You want your body to rock!
Your inner queerness you question
Caught sight of this perfection
To play with my puzzle box!
No tears please! It's a waste of good suffering!
You'll taste the pleasures with your heart
This isn't for your eyes!
My Cenobites will tear your soul apart!
I'm just a Sweet Cenobite!
From the Hellraiser. Hellscape! Ape ape!
Come here if you're ready! Come to Daddy!
We're Demons to some. Angels to others!
Want to hear all the hullabaloo or do something taboo?
Then bring your mother, your dad, sister or brother!
Well, you want me to know you, we have such sights to show you!
You'll definitely get some deliverance
Don't kick up a fuss, you meant to summon us
Explorers in the furthest regions of experience!
I'm just a Sweet Cenobite!
From the Hellraiser. Hellscape! Ape! Ape!
So..feel the pleasure and pain
Don't be ashamed
I see you want to indulge until nothing is left!
There are no limits, so stop baitin'
Cause Satan's waiting'
And your Sky Daddy made Jesus weeeept!
A roar of applause came from the crowd as Pinhead took their bow and greeted everyone as they came down the stage. Their eyes met with Michael and Jenny and they made their way toward them.
"The famous Michael Meyers!" Pinhead said excitedly. "I'm shooketh!" Then the non-binary one glanced at the teen. "And you're the infamous and virginal Jenny Baylor." They extended their pale hand. "Charmed!" Jenny nervously shook it.
"That was an amazing number!" The teen complimented the Cenobite. "Is it true you're really from Hell?"
"One of the million realms down," smiled Pinhead. "The Hellraiser Hellscape tends to get lost in the shuffle so we evil entities have to be creative and show off a little flair for the dramatic by luring the greedy sinners and religious zealots by enticing them with all these selfish bargains and collecting their souls in the process. It's karma really."
"And Dr. Pinheadfurter is good at it!"
The Cenobite turned around, saw Gabe and Yuri, and squealed in delight as they hugged each other. "It's been such a long time, Archangels. Have you been watching all the sinners on Earth being complete doofuses?"
"All the fucking time!" Yuri groaned as they slapped their face. "Sometimes it's better to let our brother, Lucifer, have them since they never learn from their mistakes."
"Well," shrugged Pinhead. "King Lucifer has his hooves full with running the Hell kingdom. He doesn't have time to punish every sinful soul so that's where we, the Cenobites, come in!"
"Does this happen alot?" Jenny asked the trio. "I mean, do you get plenty of souls?"
"A few," Pinhead answered. "We got to leave some for the other monsters and serial killers to deal with. We can't take all the fun!"
"Speaking of," Gabe interrupted. "Do you hear what is happening in the government? Now that is a shitshow of sin and a den of vices right there!'
Pinhead placed a hand to their chest. "Oh, I can't wait until we hit up a couple of corrupt politicians! That's gonna be fun…"
The Cenobite was interrupted by the alarming news of seeinging Mrs. Sawyer rushed to the stage to stop the festivities. She waved her arms furiously to get everyone's attention.
"I apologize for putting a damper on the event but we have bigger problems!" She explained to the crowd. "It appears that Sheriff Loomis and his law enforcement, including some outside forces, including Senator Tremayne, the CIA, and even final girl, Laurie Strode, are raiding our sanctuary in order to end all of us!"
"All hell nah!" Pinhead frowned. "We're not going out like that!"
Michael excused himself from Jenny as he made his way onstage. Waving his large machete and holding his William Shatner mask, he addressed the guests.
"We all knew this day would come when the killers and haters would eventually go to war! We are monsters, demons, and murderers, are we not?"
The crowd cheered.
"We've dealt with their hatred, bigotry, racism, anti-LGBTQ+ stance, and forced religious rhetoric of hypocrisy! I say, NO MORE! We're going to show them what kind monsters we truly are and show what happens when you just try it in a small town!"
The crowd erupted into mob frenzy as Michael put on his mask, as did Leatherface, Mrs. Sawyer while Pinhead, JC and Sadako, followed the monsters out through the backdoor. Jenny was the last to leave since she did not have any special skills but she was curious how this was going to play out.
Finding a hiding spot near the Sawyer's abandoned barn, she watched as rows upon rows of police cars, vans, vehicles, tanks, and even a chopper flew overhead. Guns, rifles, and semi-automatics were raised as the first set of law enforcement broke through the barricade front door and smashed it with their battering ram.
Once inside, a deputy and few of the officers marveled at the wealthy interior of the infrastructure.
"Wowee!" The deputy remarked. "I didn't think cannibal killers lived this well!"
Something tapped down the stairs and fell right in front of the deputy. He looked down. It was a puzzle box. Bending down to pick up, he solved the riddle and turned it until the object shook and suddenly a series of sharp hooked chains appeared out of nowhere, impaling the flesh of the deputy's back, then his arms, and finally his face. The deputy screamed in agony as his skin was ripped apart, blood spurting in all directions,
Then Pinhead appeared. Shots were fired at the Cenobite but not one bullet pierced or damaged the entity. Smiling at the terrified officers, Pinhead grinned. "Time to play." Chains appear from all around including the puzzle box as each police person was pierced, stabbed, gutted, garroted, and decapitated until nothing was left but a pile of blood and mounds of flesh. "In just one day," PInhead sang. "I can make you a dead man!"
Outside, it was chaos. In darkness, every monster, demon, werewolf, vampire, zombie, and ghoul each took a victim, taking down a CIA agent, town sheriff, or police officer. Guns fired. Rifles shot. Bombs exploded. However, in the end the monsters won.
Through a broken opening of the barn, Jenny watched it all and though she was grossed out by the massacre happening, she really was not shocked by it. The interlopers were in their territory and instigated it. All she had to do was wait until it was over and her new friends had finished the job. She turned to walk toward the opening of the barn when something shoved her down into the dirt and kicked her.
Jenny's ribs ached as a small garden snake slithered around her ankle to protect her as she saw through the dim moonlight a blonde Sandra Tremayne landing another kick to the gut. The teen doubled in pain.
"Cunt!" Sandra hissed. The senator's teen daughter sneered at her and pulled out a switchblade from her pocket. "You killed my friends! I'm gonna kill you but first…" She displayed the knife in her hand. "I'm gonna carve you up and make you suffer!"
A sudden croaking echoed in the barn. This startled Sandra who saw a pale Asian boy in underwear staring at her. He let out a meow which freaked her out as she screamed and ran out of the barn and toward a nearby well. Shifting her face back to the entrance of the barn, she saw the pale long hair of a ghostly Kayako contorting her way to her. She screamed but this time, a pale of grotesque hands wrapped around her chest in front of her.
"Bitch!" Sadako snapped at Kayako. "This kill is mine!" Sandra tried to scream but the Yokai covered her mouth, and dragged down the long dark shaft of the well, finally ending her life in the dirty, murky water. With Sandra dead, Sadako crawled out of the broken well and noticed a bruised Jenny limping toward her. "You okay?" The Yokai asked the teen.
"Just a bit sore but thankfully Sandra is dead," noted Jenny.
"Which should've been my kill," Kayako mumbled. "Kill stealer!" She spat at Sadako.
The Yokai finally had enough. Grabbing the other cursed spirit by her long hair, Sadako did a backflip and tossed Kayako down the deep, dark well. Dashing after her was the underwear ghost boy who ran from the barn and dove in after her. Sadako shrugged. "I guess they both wanted to haunt wells too now."
"I guess," Jenny shrugged also. "We better check on how the massacre is going. It's not looking good for the cops."
"It never does," Sadako giggled.
They followed the path to where all the shooting was happening to see JC carrying off one sheriff, Leatherface and Mrs. Sawyer chopping up several deputies, and M3GAN dancing while breaking the necks of a few CIA agents.
Now it came down to Senator Tremayne who held a rifle at Michael while Sheriff Loomis aimed his shotgun.
"It's over, Michael!" Sheriff Loomis told the serial killer. "Your reign of terror ends tonight! No more going woke and going broke!"
Typical Michael said nothing. Being silent was his thing as he held his machete and prepared to strike both of them down.
Suddenly, a Titan-sized cobra appeared out of the darkness and slithered behind Senator Tremayne.
"What the fuck?" The politician gasped and attempted to fire his rifle at it. Unfortunately, the gun stalled as the cobra hissed, bit off the head of the senator, and swallowed the rest of his mangled body whole.
"Snake Lives Matter," mumbled Michael with a shrug of his shoulders.
"Holy shit!" Sheriff Loomis screamed. He directed his shotgun away from the slasher and instead began shooting at the enormous cobra. Once again, nothing penetrated the reptile's thick skin.
This gave Michael his opportunity. Lifting his machete he drove the blade straight through Loomis's chest, Blood poured to the ground in a puddle as the serial killer withdrew his blade, leaving the sheriff's corpse in a huge pool of scarlet.
"Go hateful and bigot" grinned Michael wickedly. "End up with a bloody ticket that is fatal!"
With their final enemy dead, Jenny, along with Sadako, approached their friend.
"Is it over?' Jenny asked him.
"I think so," said Michael, removing his mask. He turned to search for the giant cobra. "Though it's weird that a huge snake appeared out of nowhere."
"Oh that," Jenny cocked her head. "That was my friend. I called him forth to help you."
Michael and Sadako both scratched their heads. "You called forth a giant cobra?" Michael asked her.
"Yeah," the teen nodded. "It's kind of my thing. I've always been friends with snakes and can even talk to them and they pop up whenever I need help."
"And you didn't bother to mention this before?" Michael scratched his chin. "That you have this weird gift?"
"It's not something I like to brag about," the teen shrugged. "People would think I'm crazy."
As things began to wind down and the last of the law enforcement were finally put down in a pile of mangled, bloody bodies, the monstrous groups returned to the All Hallows Eve Ball and their festivities while Jenny, Michael, the Sawyers, the archangels, Sadako, JC, and Pinhead waited outside to discuss the teen's mysterious ability down by the disheveled barn.
"So Jenny has this snake power thing?" Mrs. Sawyer remarked. "That's a cool gift."
"But it doesn't explain how she can summon and talk to snakes," JC commented. "I mean she's a normal, virginal teenager."
Sadako shook her head. "It doesn't matter. She's one of us. Gifted and ready for dispense karmic justice to those who have been wronged, kind of like a superhero."
"A reptilian superhero," cooed Pinhead.
"MICHAEL!"
A screech came out of the darkness as Laurie Strode raced from around the back of the barn, brandishing an ax ready to decapitate the serial murderer.
Jenny gasped, stared directly at the aging final girl and caught her in her line of vision Then a flash. Laurie froze still with her ax in the air as she slowly began to transform from flesh to a mineral of dust and finally stone. Now standing a few feet away was the statue of Laurie Strode eternally immortalized as a work of art.
Surprised by this turn of events, Yuri rubbed their cheek and began reciting a memory. "Baylor…Baylor…Perchance, are you related to a Jason Baylor?"
"That's my father's paternal last name," informed Jenny. "He used to go by his mother's maiden name Voorhies but she was too much of a helicopter psychopath that he refused to acknowledge my late grandmother's last name so he legally changed it."
"Wait!" Mrs. Sawyer clapped her hands. "Your dad is Jason Voorhies, as in the famous, supernatural serial killer of Camp Crystal Lake?"
"Yeah," blushed Jenny. "It's now called Sleepaway Camp. He owns several of them around Appalanchia with his business partner named Angela Baker. He and my mother moved me to the region after retiring from the slasher industry and starting a local successful NHL Hockey League, The KIllers."
"I heard he married a sweet girl with supernatural powers who killed her high school bullies and torched her high school prom," added Gabe. "A Carrie White?"
"That's my mom," said Jenny proudly. "They got some plastic surgery to fix their body issues and tried to suppress my weird powers so they could fit into some mundane normalcy." She raised her arms. "I guess that didn't work. Strangely enough, I tend to forget that they even did that." She tapped her chin. "Hmm, that's a thinker."
"Hold on," Pinhead noted. "I also heard Jason and Carrie moved to the area in order to be closer to her maternal great grandmother after her mother's mysterious, untimely death. They moved into the farm owned by a Madame Stheno, who was reported to be a witch of some kind."
"Stheno?" Michael's eyes widened. "As in the mythological…"
"Gorgons," Pinhead finished. "This means that Jenny is a descendant of Medusa and the Gorgon sisters, so the snakes, turning people to stone…Honey, you're definitely one of us! A monster and a born killer!" They raised their arms in triumph. "Welcome, child! You're in the club!"
Surprised, Jenny raised her eyebrows. "Why don't I know or remember any of this?"
"It's part of the supernatural immortal curse that befalls many of us," remarked JC. "Sometimes we get a little Alzheimers once in a while but nothing that a good memory recall won't fix. Many of us forget how old we are, probably including yourself."
Jenny pressed her lips with her fingers. "That perhaps explains why I feel I keep enrolling in different private schools even though I swear I've graduated from one several times. Deja vu, I guess."
"So that means…" Sadako purred. "That you're not really a teenage sixteen year old even though you look it, but truly are thirty years old which makes you an adult." She eyed both Jenny and Michael, hinting at their constant googly eyes at each other.
"And that means we can actually date and it's legal!" Michael cheered. "I'm not a groomer or a pedo like Freddy Krueger or problematic like Chucky!"
Seeing how this makes it legal in this fanfic, it can be assumed that shipping these two characters make it okay. Oh and the reason Freddy Krueger is not featured in this story is because he was a child predator and Chucky, well, he's just too problematic concerning his kid, Glen and Glenda. Even Jenny was happy about it as she jumped into the serial killer's arms and gave him a big smooch which was fine because she ACTUALLY is thirty years old!
"My parents are gonna love you!" Jenny laughed as she kissed Michael again.
All was well as everyone returned to the celebration and android M3GAN did her signature dance moves.
Sort of. Except for…
Haddonfield News
The town of Haddonfield are grieving the loss of Sheriff Loomis, Senator Tremayne, his daughter Sandra as well as several other local teenagers and the city's law enforcement department after a botched raid on the compound belonging to the criminal,cannibalistic family, The Sawyers, that led to a horrific massacre.
FBI have recovered hundreds of bodies from the abandoned estate including multiple remains tied to a string of local resident murders of the town. The FBI say that the possible weapons and the method of torture and murder used on the victims are too gruesome to describe and it is alleged that a third party suspect might also have been connected with the killings.
Not since the Michael Meyers murders from thirty years ago has something this macabre occurred in the town. The FBI are still working with regional police as more evidence is being secured from the crime scene pending an ongoing investigation.
In the other news, Washington D. C. is gearing up with their finalized candidates on the ballot for both the Republican and Democratic nominations for the ballot. It is going to be a close race as the nominees have been making the rounds securing state votes for the upcoming primaries.
In addition, each possible candidate has been gifted a specialized ornate puzzle box with snakes from their mysterious sponsors…
The End?
Author's Note: If you haven't guessed it, Dr. Pinheadfurter's song is Rocky Horror Picture Show's Sweet Tranvestite. Hope you enjoyed this parody of a comedy horror! Feel free to read my other writes!
-Kidscomix
