Waking Up
Doubts and An Ultimatum
Bella woke up to the sound of rain. She could hear it tapdancing on the roof of the house. She climbed out of bed, heading straight for the window, embracing the start of another brand-new day. The rain had brought with it a richness to each hue, the browns deepening in a way that soothed her heart. The ambient drops made the grass turn glossy, reflecting the light, giving a new bright shine to their wands, softly waving in the breeze, bringing with it a freshness, each drop seeming heaven sent.
Turning away from the perfection outside, she glanced down at the perfection sitting comfortably in the rocking chair by her dresser. Edward smiled up at her, his handsome features molded into an expression of adoration. It made Bella's heart melt, the way he gazed at her so lovingly. She didn't deserve such devotion from this godlike Adonis, leaving her wondering again how she had managed to capture his heart so totally. She was nothing, a nobody, just a frail human girl. But, despite these flaws, Edward remained firmly attached. Nothing and no-one would separate them again.
Edward rose smoothly from the rocking chair, his movement as silent as a whisper. He approached Bella cautiously, his hands extended toward her. Bella smiled timidly, placing her palms delicately on top of his, ignoring the chill emanating from his cold, hard skin.
His mouth was on hers then. His kisses, usually so careful and restrained, were different this time. This time he was not quite as careful, which suited Bella just fine. She kissed him back, her heart pounding out a jagged, disjointed rhythm, while her breathing turned to panting, her fingers leaving his hands to move greedily to his face. She could feel his marble body against every curve of hers. Meanwhile, his hands memorized her face, the same way hers were tracing his, and, in the brief seconds when his lips were freed from hers, he whispered her name.
Just when Bella was really getting into it, Edward quickly pulled away, leaving her sighing in disappointment as he lay his ear against her heart.
Bella stood there, dazed, waiting for her gasping to slow and quiet.
"I'll never leave you again, Bella." Edward vowed.
Bella didn't want to remember the dark months of their separation. She went rigid, her good mood spoiled, wishing he hadn't brought it up. She had been doing a fine job of pretending it had never happened.
When she didn't say anything, Edward took her silence as skepticism.
He lifted his face to lock her gaze in his. "I'm not going anywhere. Not without you." He added more seriously. "I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you-keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life at every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving you was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted…what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay-thank heaven for that! It seems you can't be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us."
Listening to his impassioned speech, only one thought entered Bella's mind: it's all about you, what you wanted, what you needed. Well, what about me, what I wanted, what I needed?
However, she didn't express it. She pushed it away to the back of her mind. Edward was back now. He seemed sincere. Still, despite his promises, doubts plagued her.
"Don't promise me anything." Bella whispered. If she let herself hope, and it came to nothing…it would kill her. Where all those merciless vampires had not been able to finish her off, hope would do the job.
Frustration glinted metallic in Edward's black eyes. "You think I'm lying to you now?"
"No-not lying." Bella shook her head, afraid to express her fears. She wasn't really doubting his love, so much as doubting his commitment not to run again, should something else occur that made him fall back into the same pattern of self-loathing. "You could mean it…now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, if Jasper takes another snap at me?"
Edward flinched. "Please, Bella, don't speak of that."
Bella gazed at him pensively, thinking back over those last days of her life before he left her, trying to see them through the filter of what he was telling her now. From that perspective, imagining he had left while still loving her, left her to keep her safe from harm, his brooding and cold silences took on a different meaning. Still, it didn't negate the pain and emotional torment he had put her through as a consequence of his decision.
"I think…" She said with difficulty. "I think you had been thinking about leaving me for a long time. Even before Jasper lost control at my birthday party." She guessed. "You'll end up what doing what you think is right, even if I don't agree. And you'll do it without consulting me. A proper couple make decisions together, not apart. So, what does that say about us?"
Edward bowed his head in shame. "I'm not as strong as you give me credit for, Bella." He answered in a pained whisper. "Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me, I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it even through a single hour. It was only a matter of time-and not much of it-before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that."
Bella grimaced. "Be serious, please."
"Oh, I am." Edward insisted, rising to his feet, and glaring at her. "Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?"
He waited, studying her face as he spoke to make sure she was really listening.
"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark-but there were stars-points of light and reason…And then you shot through my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire, there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."
He sounds like an actor pontificating on the stage-Bella tried to quash the traitorous thought, but it continued to linger.
"Your eyes will adjust, I'm sure." She said aloud in resignation. Somehow the flowery language he had used to convince her of the sincerity of his feelings had provoked the opposite reaction to what he had intended. Bella would have preferred a much simpler declaration of his devotion, something straightforward and uncomplicated.
Edward, unaware of her silent introspection, reached for her hands. "That's just the problem-they can't." He replied.
"What about your distractions?"
Edward laughed without a trace of humor. "Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the…the agony. My heart hasn't beat in ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone-like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything inside me here with you."
It's like he's reading lines from a script, Bella thought again.
Edward closed his eyes, thinking the argument won, and laid his ear over her heart again. Bella stood immobile, trying her best to banish the worries away. She could smell the delicious scent of him, and she breathed it in, reminding herself that all those months apart had been worth it, that she should be reveling in this sweet reunion.
But, still, the doubts lingered.
"Charlie's getting up; I'd better leave." Edward said with resignation a little while later.
Bella's heart stopped beating, fear flaring in her eyes.
Edward gauged her expression for a second, looking rather sad. "Would it be childish of me to hide in your closet, then?"
"No." Bella felt her heart return to its normal rhythm, grateful that he seamlessly understood her quiet panic at the thought of him leaving. "Stay. Please."
Edward smiled and disappeared.
Bella lay pensively in her bed as she waited for Charlie to check up on her. Her bedroom door cracked open.
"Morning, Dad."
"Oh, hey, Bella." Charlie sounded embarrassed at getting caught checking up on her. "I didn't know you were awake."
"Yeah. I've just been waiting for you to get up so I could take a shower." Bella threw the covers off her body as she started to get up.
"Hold on there, Bells. Not so fast." Charlie flipped the light on, making Bella squint in the sudden brightness. "Let's talk for a minute first."
Bella tried to keep her expression neutral.
"You know you're in trouble."
"Yeah, I know."
"I just went about crazy these last few days. I come home from Harry's funeral, and you're gone."
"I'm sorry, Dad." Bella felt the heat of regret flushing in her cheeks. She must be the most selfish daughter imaginable.
"Jacob could only tell me that you'd run off with Alice Cullen, and that he thought you were in trouble. You didn't leave me a number, and you didn't call. I didn't know where you were or when-or if- you were coming back. Do you have any idea how…how…" He couldn't finish the sentence; he was so distraught. "Can you give me one good reason I shouldn't ship you off to Jacksonville right now?"
Charlie's anguish was palpable. Bella knew he was only issuing the threat because he was at his wits end and didn't know what else to do. She had hurt him so badly, running off for a second time without a word. She could understand why he wanted to absolve himself of any further responsibility for her welfare. She didn't deserve a parent like him. Her behavior had been inexcusable. But what else could she have done at the time? It had all happened so fast.
And Jake…Jake…what about Jake? She had hurt him just as badly, if not more.
"Look, Dad, I accept complete responsibility for my actions, and you have every right to ground me for as long as you want. I will also do the chores and laundry and dishes until you think I've learned my lesson. And I guess you're within your rights if you want to kick me out, too – but that won't make me go to Florida."
Charlie flushed, his eyes turning troubled as he mulled over what she had just said. "Can you at least tell me where you've been?"
Bella froze, faltering as she tried to think of a viable excuse to explain her rash actions. She wished she had consulted with Edward or Alice on what to say.
"There…there was an emergency."
Charlie narrowed his eyes, waiting impatiently for her to continue her brilliant explanation.
Bella inhaled sharply, fumbling around for the right words to explain herself, and of course finding none. "I don't know what to tell you, Dad. It was mostly a misunderstanding. He said, she said. It got out of hand."
Charlie folded his arms, waiting with a distrustful expression.
"See, Alice told Rosalie about me jumping off the cliff…" Bella scrambled around, trying to keep as close to the truth as possible, but before she could go on, Charlie's dumbfounded expression reminded her that he didn't know about the cliff. She had assumed Jacob had already mentioned that part. She was surprised he hadn't. Maybe out of misplaced loyalty to her, loyalty she didn't deserve. Her heart gave a pang as she thought about her erstwhile best friend.
"You went cliff diving?" Charlie seethed.
"I guess I didn't tell you about that." Bella choked out. "It was nothing. Just messing around, swimming with Jake. Anyway, Rosalie told Edward, and he was upset. She made it sound like I was trying to kill myself or something. He wouldn't answer his phone, so Alice dragged me to…to… LA, to explain in person." She shrugged, smiling sheepishly, as she tried to make it look like no big deal.
Charlie leaned forward, his eyes scrutinizing her carefully. "Were you trying to kill yourself, Bella?" He asked hoarsely.
"No, of course not. Just having fun with Jake. Cliff diving. The La Push kids do it all the time. Like I said, nothing."
"Its not nothing." Charlie's voice was like steel. "I'm not a fool, Bella. So, please, don't treat me like one. Jake told me about having to pull you out. You nearly drowned. You could have died!"
So, Jake had spilled his guts to Charlie after all? Bella didn't know how she felt about that. On the one hand, she couldn't blame him. She had hurt him so badly. On the other hand, she felt betrayed. He must have known telling Charlie would make him worry more.
Charlie's face was flushed with fury. "What's it to Edward Cullen anyway?" He demanded. "All this time, he's just left you dangling without a word – "
"Another misunderstanding." Bella interrupted desperately.
Charlie scowled. "Bullshit!" He swore, startling Bella. He rarely cussed, and it sounded shocking to her ears. "So, is he back then?"
"I'm not sure about the exact plan. I think they all are."
Charlie shook his head, the vein in his forehead pulsing. "I want you to stay away from him, Bella. I don't trust him. He's rotten for you. I should have listened to Billy when he warned me against that family. They have caused you nothing but misery and heartache. I won't let him mess you up again."
"Fine."
Charlie looked at her suspiciously. "I thought you were going to be difficult. So, you agree?"
"You're entitled to your grievances, and I understand them. But I can't give Edward up. So, to make things easier, I'll move out."
Charlie's face turned puce. Bella's resolve immediately wavered as she started to worry about his health. He was no younger than Harry had been when he…
"Dad, I don't want to move out." She said hastily. "I love you. I know you're worried, but you need to trust me on this. And you're gonna have to ease up on Edward if you want me to stay. It's up to you."
"That's not fair, Bella." Charlie floundered. "You know I want you to stay here. But I can't condone that little shit being in your life again. I can't do it. I'm sorry."
Charlie had called Bella's bluff and she didn't know how to respond. "Please, Dad, can't you just try and be nice to Edward, because he'd going to be where I am."
Charlie shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, kiddo. I can't do it. Not again. I can't stand around and just watch you ruin your life, but you're an adult now, so I can't stop you doing what you want to do. I'll always be here for you whenever you need me. You know that. This will always be your home." He sighed heavily. "Look, I'm not going to give you anymore ultimatums tonight-or I guess this morning. Just think about what I said, okay? That's all I ask. And remember, I'm only being such a hard ass because I love you, kiddo."
He left then, closing the door quietly behind him, leaving Bella staring after him in despair.
A/N-thanks for reading!
