Chapter 1- The first step
"Bella? You will have to make your decision," Jacob firmly stated, his eyes unwavering as he stared at me, "It is either me or him. You cannot have both. Not any longer."
"I agree with the mutt. I am sorry love, but it must be this way."
I winced, shutting my eyes briefly. How I had dreaded this day? How could one expect me to make this decision? While Jake was my best friend, Edward was my…well…everything for lack of a better word. I couldn't choose between them.
It wasn't an easy choice, or any choice I would willingly take.
I needed Edward like he was my air. I couldn't survive without him. I had tried and failed. But Jake…if Edward was my oxygen, Jake was my water. I could attempt to survive without him, but it would be a failing battle. One cannot live for long without water, and I wouldn't last without my Jake.
It was a losing battle. I couldn't do this!
"Jake," I begged, "Please…"
Please don't do this!
I wrapped my arms around my torso miserably. I was weak, I wasn't ashamed to admit. I needed him. I needed them both.
"Sorry, Bella," Jake looked away from me, his decision final.
"Edward?" I turned to my boyfriend, searching for comfort. He would understand; he always did. He wanted me to be happy and knowing that Jake was a reason for my happiness, he would never ask me to part from him. I had faith in him. "Edward?" I repeated, his eyes refusing to look my way, hard silence filling the cold air. He had nothing to say. Huh.
"I…."
There was nothing I could say, yet I tried.
"Please?" I begged.
I couldn't choose Jake over Edward. Obviously not. Neither could I let Jake go. I needed him.
I needed them both!
"Whenever you make your decision, do let me know," Jake announced, walking away in the opposite direction, my eyes following his hasty steps.
"Love…I…Alice had called. I need to get home."
Edward's excuse was a transparent one, as he too made his retreat, leaving me there behind, outside my house, my legs unable to take my weight, as I fell onto the cold, wet grass.
I don't know for how long I sat there; it could have been hours for all I know, Charlie's strong arms finally lifting me up and bringing me back into the house, letting me rest onto the sofa, a question in his eyes.
"They left." I murmured, a cold breath leaving my lips, my eyes unable to face his presence.
"For good?" His eyes were wide in disbelief, as a curse word lay at the tip of his tongue.
"No!" I hastily protested; an explanation demanded. I sighed, offering him one. "Jake and Edward…well…they asked me to choose either one of them."
"Oh." He meaningfully stated.
Yeah, oh.
"And?" he further prodded, coming to sit across me on the single armchair.
I winced, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear. "I couldn't choose. I tried changing their mind. Unsuccessfully. I will try again. I can't give up."
That was never an option.
Charlie scoffed; his reaction almost insulting. "You need to stop doing this, Bella!"
Excuse me?
"Stop being always the god damn damsel in distress! Your mother may have been a lot of negative things, but she did have a functional spine."
"Dad?" I frowned at him, taken aback.
"Bella," he sighed, his eyes softening, "you cannot force someone to be in your life. It doesn't work that way."
"They don't know what they are saying." I protested, folding my arms over my chest in defiance. "They will change their mind."
"And then what?" he spat. "You will marry them both? One week with one and the second with another?"
"Charlie?!"
How dare he suggest something like that?
Jake was my best friend, and no one had the right to insult or question my intention with him.
"Sorry." Charlie sighed. "I did not mean to offend…but Bella, you need to take a stand for yourself. For once. Renee never let you choose yourself; I know. With her, it was always her taking priority. But now, you are older and more mature. You must take wiser decisions."
"What do you mean?" I frowned; my eyebrows narrowed together.
"You are an independent woman capable of reaching the stars. You don't need a man, be it Edward or Jacob, to help you take a step. I know it sounds weird coming from your father, and a man, but it is the truth. Choose yourself, Bella."
"I am." I softly protested. I was choosing myself, wasn't I?
"No, you aren't." he smiled. "You are limiting yourself to a future you will one day regret. While it may seem corny and hypocritical, don't make the same mistakes that I made. Not letting yourself flourish before you commit to another for a lifetime is utter foolishness. You hardly know your own self!"
"But I do know myself!" I protested. I did know myself well enough to accept this harsh need in me.
"Okay," he accepted my word, "Then, tell me, what do you want from the future?"
"I…"
I wanted to become a vampire. But I obviously couldn't tell him that.
I did not fancy living the rest of my life in an asylum!
"Where do you see yourself five years in the future?" he fired another question at me, unwilling to wait for the first one to be answered.
With Edward.
Of course, I couldn't tell him that.
"Where will you live?"
Wherever Edward and the rest of the family decide.
"What career path do you want to walk on? College may not be the only path I agree with, but everyone must find their calling in life. You cannot simply accept having no aspirations in this time and age!"
"I don't know." I lamely whispered.
I did not have the answer to any of his questions. All I knew was that I wanted to become a vampire to live the rest of my life with Edward.
Everything but that took second place.
"As I expected." He smiled, his expression caring, but not condescending. "You need to figure yourself out. You need to love yourself, whoever you are. Bella, with age, everyone comes to terms with who they are. Some never learn to love themselves, but acceptance takes priority. I don't want that for you. Learn to not only accept yourself, but to love yourself. Then only, you can truly love another. I will not ask you to make your decision today. You need time for that. But I do have a solution to your problem."
"And that would be?" I frowned, puzzled.
How was any of this going to convince Jake to take back his decision? Or Edward to convince Jake to take back his decision?
"A solo road trip across the country. You are eighteen; there is nothing holding you back."
"Excuse me?"
"Go figure yourself out! Stay in cheap motels, drink underage- but don't drive after that! Make friends with strangers. Have an affair or two."
"Dad!"
I was loyal to Edward.
I couldn't dream of cheating on him!
"Okay." He put his hands up in defense. "My point is that let yourself lose. Have fun. I will sponsor your trip in its entirety. But I do have two conditions. First, no Cullen can accompany you or keep a tab on your whereabouts in any way unlawful. I will know, trust me. And second, Sue's daughter, Leah, will accompany you. She could do with a break."
"Leah?"
As far as I knew, Leah wasn't a desired companion. And she hated my guts; why would she want to accompany me?
Me? Of All?
He sighed, rushing a hand through his hair. "She is facing a hard time and needs a break. And a friend. It would be good for both of you. Plus, I will be guaranteed that you are safe and have someone along."
"I thought you trusted me." I questioned in a whisper.
"Of course, I do." He assured me, smiling. "But do this for me. Please."
I frowned, my eyes wide, as I looked up at him, contemplating my decision.
