Samantha knew that Phyllis Stephens didn't like her. Every time her mother-in-law visited, she was judgy with Sam. Snippy. Condescending and uppity. Although Phyllis never said it in so many words, the only message Sam ever got from her was "Why did you marry her, Darrin? You're too good for her. She can't do anything right."
So when Darrin's birthday rolled around, Sam knew exactly what she would do. She would throw a little birthday celebration for her husband, invite his parents, and do everything she could possibly do to impress Mrs. Stephens.
The day of the celebration arrived. Samantha cooked a meal worthy of Julia Child's The French Chef. She baked Darrin's favorite cake and decorated it like it had come from a professional cake shop. She cleaned and tidied the house till it looked like no one had ever lived in it.
Before Darrin's parents arrived, Endora popped over and helped Sam decorate. Sam hung a birthday banner while Endora inflated balloons with a simple magical gesture of her hands. As the two witches worked, baby Tabatha watched them from her playpen.
"Are you certain you don't want me to stay for the visit?" Endora asked when all the decorating was done. "I could help you make a good impression with a little…" She snapped her fingers, creating a burst of sparkles. "…magic. Besides, I do so love to see that charming Frank."
"Thank you, Mother, but I'll pass you up on that," Samantha declined. "I'm determined to do this all with my own elbow grease."
The last thing she needed today was her mother flirting with her father-in-law again.
A short time later, once Endora had left, Sam was in the living room when she heard Darrin's car pull into the driveway. By this time, she had groomed herself to the nines. If you wanted to impress someone, you had to look the part too.
The second she heard the car, Sam had an idea. What if she hid in the corner behind the door so when Darrin opened it, he wouldn't see her? Then she would jump out from behind the door, yell "happy birthday", and blow one of the noisemaker party favors she'd purchased.
She would later consider this to be one of the stupidest ideas of her life.
Because what she didn't anticipate was the enthusiasm and gusto with which Darrin would fling the door open, shouting "HELLO, LADIES!" He slammed the door open on her face so hard, he gave her a fat lip.
"Sam!" he exclaimed as his wife doubled over with her hand over her busted lip, making choked, squeaky noises from the back of her throat like those of a dying cat with stuck vocal cords. "What were you doing behind the door?!"
Precisely twenty minutes later, Samantha sat in the living room icing her lip, which had swelled up like one of Endora's ballons- a mottled purple one. Darrin came to check on her.
"Honey, that lip is the size of a baseball!"
"I row." (Translation: "I know".) Thanks to her swollen lip, she couldn't even speak properly.
"You know, I think hiding behind that door was one of the stupidest ideas you've ever had."
"I row."
Just then, Frank and Phyllis Stephens parked their car in front of 1164 Morning Glory Circle.
"Err hur," Sam said. ("They're here.")
"I'll get the door, honey," Darrin offered. "I'll explain what happened to your lip before they see you."
"Gnope, gnope, I'rr geh ih," Sam said, quickly getting up. Even with a fat lip. She still planned to be the hostess with the mostess.
She opened the door.
"Herro, Murstur Sturvens, Murses Sturvens. Do cub ihng."
But nothing could hide the shock on Murstur and Murses Sturvenses' faces.
"Dear!" Phyllis exclaimed. "What happened to your face?"
"Arrin hlammed ah door on mah fahe."
"Oh." Phylllis grimaced a forced smile while Frank tried to play it cool. "I see."
Samantha lead the guests inside.
"I told you you she was clumsy," Phyllis whispered to Frank as they followed Sam inside. "She fell on the floor doing errands and landed on her face!"
The four Stephens family members mingled around the coffee table for a while. After some time, Sam said, "Arrin, wah dirh you urpih your fresents eefore we hahe lunk?"
"Sure, sweetheart," responded Darrin. He seemed to be the only one who could successfully understand her. "I'd love to open my presents before we have lunch."
Darrin recieved two new mystery novels from his folks, and a cute professional framed photo of his baby daughter "from" Tabatha.
Samantha couldn't wait for Darrin to open her gift next. It had arrived yesterday in the mail and she had gift-wrapped the box straight away with excitement. She thought it was a very unique, cool gift to give, not to mention helpful. Darrin had been mentioning lately that he was feeling stressed at work. Sam thought this would be just the thing for him. He could keep it at his office.
But when Darrin opened his present from his wife, nobody- not even Samantha- was prepared for what came out of that box.
It was an inflatable, naked, anatomically-correct, life-size female doll, still in clear, plastic packaging in all its flaccid, deflated glory. On the packaging were the words "REVERSIBLE URSULA- First it's a woman, then a man!"
The silence in the room was worse than nails on a chalkboard. The only thing that broke the quiet was a buzzing sound coming from inside the package as Darrin held it awkwardly up. A second later, a rainbow-striped vibrator fell out. It must have accidentally turned on during shipping. Taped to the vibrator was a printed note: "Vibrator FREE with your first purchase from GOOD VIBRATIONS ROMANCE SHOPPE!" Samantha grabbed the vibrator and switched it off, then chuckled nervously at her husband and in-laws with it still in her hand. Their faces were not a pretty sight.
Good Vibrations ROMANCE SHOPPE? She had ordered from Good Vibrations Tibetan Meditation Bowls!
Finally, Darrin exploded.
"SAAAAAAAAM!"
Next thing Sam knew, she was being dragged into the kitchen by her husband. In the privacy of the kitchen, he demanded an explanation, and she gave it to him (as best she could with her fat lip). She explained that she meant to order him a Tibetan meditation bowl from a company called Good Vibrations, NOT Reversible Ursula and a vibrator from Good Vibrations Romance Shoppe. Fortunately, Darrin understood, and once she clarified her real intentions, he wasn't angry anymore.
"Oh, Arrin," Sam groaned, "Gis ih juss ferribul! Furris Sturvens arerry hates muh! Imaggen whah hee must hink now!"
"Honey, Furris- I mean Phyllis Stephens does not hate you! She just has a judgy personality. With everyone. We'll fix this snafu. At least this time we don't have to explain any witchy funny business."
But what neither Darrin nor Sam knew was that, while they were away in the kitchen, little Tabatha had grown curious about Reversible Ursula and was crawling inquisitively around the deflated doll. Phyllis had gone out to get some air (as the shock of the incident had triggered one of her sick headaches) and Frank had followed her, so the baby witch was unattended.
As Tabatha poked and prodded at Reversible Ursula, she realized that it must be some kind of balloon. She remembered the way her grandmama had blown up balloons earlier and made them fly: You made an expanding motion with both hands over the balloon, then pointed upward with your forefinger. Wouldn't it be fun to make this strange naked lady balloon fly?
A moment later, Samantha and Darrin emerged from the kitchen.
"I think the best thing to do here," Darrin said as Sam picked Tabatha up off the floor, "Is to tell my folks the truth about what happened. You mixed up two businesses with the same name. It's an honest mistake anyone could have made. They'll understand."
"You're rye," Sam agreed. "Luh, gey're ow in buh backyarr. Leh's tell dem."
As they made their way to the glass door, neither of them noticed Ursula bobbing along above them against the ceiling, or Tabatha watching her with immense interest.
"Mom, Dad," Darrin announced as they walked into the backyard, "There's been a mix up. You see, Sam meant to order from- NOOOOOO! URSULAAAAAA!"
Before Darrin could even begin his explanation, the helium-filled Reversible Ursula floated out the door and off into the windy day. She had just enough weight not to disappear up into the sky, but enough helium to float consistently at the height of a two-storey house.
"URHURAAAAA!" Sam screamed. "Arrin, we HAHE to cahe her! Ah eed to rehurn her show ah han geh a refung!" ("Darrin, we HAVE to catch her! I need to return her so I can get a refund!")
Tabatha chortled with laughter and clapped her hands. "Bawoon fwyyyy!"
The next hour was spent chasing Reversible Ursula all over Westport, Connecticut, which was really hard to do when it was so windy.
Finally, they cornered her when she got caught in a tree in a daycare playground. Boy, were the daycare people mad. One of them threatened to sue Darrin and Sam for public indecency while the other quickly ushered the tots inside, ignoring the barrage of questions on what exactly was stuck in the tree.
"What kind of PERVERTED idea is it to inflate a sex doll with HELIUM?!" the childcare worker screamed while Darrin climbed up the tree to retrieve Ursula.
"Don't worry," Darrin grunted in response, hoisting himself into the branches, "We'll be out of here in just a moment."
Samantha, on the other hand, sat out the talking due to her temporary speech impediment. She waited patiently under the tree.
When Darrin at last grabbed Ursula, the rainbow vibrator suddenly fell out of nowhere. It hit the ground and began to buzz. Sam grabbed it, switched it off, and chuckled nervously at the childcare lady, who now resembled a Tasmanian devil.
Once they were all back home with Ursula deflated and folded neatly into her package, Sam and Darrin explained to his folks about the Good Vibrations mixup. Samantha was glad her father-in-law seemed to genuinely accept the explanation and was cool about it. Phyllis, meanwhile, made a half-assed attempt to pretend she understood, though she still acted with badly-concealed suspicion towards Sam, as always. But after all she had been through today, Sam didn't really care.
"We think Tabatha probably learned how to use the helium pump from watching Sam earlier, then used it on Ursula and that's how… well, you know the rest," Darrin added.
"Well. She is a smart child. Just like her father was," Phyllis remarked stuffily.
"Now that we have all that settled," Samantha said, "Shall we have lunch?" The swelling in her lip was going down, and she was regaining some of her ability to speak clearly.
All four of them went to the dining room for their meal. But what none of them knew was that, while they'd been talking, Tabatha had once again gotten ahold of Reversible Ursula, re-inflated her, and was playing with her on the dining room floor. Samantha didn't see Ursula- or her daughter- on the floor. She tripped over Ursula and landed flat on her schnauzer. Even worse, as she fell she reflexively grasped at the tablecloth. So the tablecloth went with her, along with everything that had been on it. Plates and utensils crashed to the floor. Tabatha, who had nearly been squashed, began to scream and bawl.
"Owwww…" Sam groaned. "Mah wip…" ("My lip…")
All four other adults just stared at the fallen Samantha for a moment. Everything had come to a screeching halt.
Then, to Sam's surprise, Phyllis offered her an arm.
"Come on. I'll help you up. You've had a trying day, haven't you?"
"I'll take Tabatha." Frank lifted his screaming grandchild.
"Look! Her lip is caught between her teeth now!"
"I'll get the antiseptic."
"I don't think she'll be able to eat anything."
"Good thing the candle wasn't lit!"
"Is something burning?"
And they all lived happily ever after.
Fin
