Author's Notes: This is a quick oneshot in honor of TeamFourStar. The Alucard in this story is the Hellsing Ultimate Abridged version for the record. So get prepared for a comedic bloodbath of a story, where Alucard just might have finally met his match…

We open on an on fire Jack-O-Lantern while John Carpenter's Halloween Theme plays over the opening credits.

October 31st
Halloween Night

After an evening of partying, drinking, and fucking, Alucard walked home to his house. (After constant nagging, Integra finally broke down and gave Alucard a house for himself) Alucard looked forward to crashing on his couch and passing out. However when he made it to the doorstep he remembered something.

"MOOOOM! I'm home!" Alucard said drunkenly.

Suddenly a security camera turned on at the entrance of the house. Then there was a voice.

"Yes… Alucard?" Integra said tiredly.

"Don't act like you don't know why I'm calling you! I'm a fuck-mothering vampire! I can't get in unless I'm invited!" Alucard shouted.

"What in the fuck are you even talking about?" Integra asked confusingly.

"I'm just fuckin with ya! I just wanted to hear your tired ass voice." Alucard said as he opened the door.

Integra gave out a big sigh of exhaustion and turned off the camera.

"Honey, I'm home! Oh, I forgot. I'm not married." Alucard said as he closed the door.

After walking through the hallway, seeing framed images of himself, Seras, and Integra pass by as he made it to his living room.

(How ironic, a vampire in a living room)

There it was, his majestically soft as fuck couch. Alucard then fell backwards onto the couch.

"Oh, how I've missed you." Alucard said as he was ready to fall asleep.

Suddenly, there were three loud knocks coming from Alucards door.

"Hey, buddy. There's a three foot tall plastic witch out there with a bowl of candy. You might wanna talk to her." Alucard said.

Silence…. Knock. Knock. Knock.

"Look, motherfucker. I'm not in the mood to deal with your bullshit! I've been trick or treated like shit tonight! I'm already drunk as hell, my dick is damn near numb from fucking so many big titty goth bitches, and I'm not willing to deal with any more failed abortions tonight! So happy fucking Halloween! Now fuck off!" Alucard shouted.

Silence…. BOOM! Alucards front door gets knocked down.

Alucard gets up from his couch and looks down his hallway to see a very tall man in a dark blue jumpsuit covered in blood splatters, wearing a pale white mask, and holding a butcher knife.

"Hey, Captain Kirk called, he wants his look back." Alucard said with a slight chuckle.

The man just stood there… menacingly…

"I see. What we've got here is a failure to communicate. That's fine by me." Alucard said, readying his guns.

The man remained silent, but gave a slight head tilt.

"This town ain't big enough for two boogiemen!" Alucard said, putting on a country accent.

Alucard then raised his arms, with his guns in both hands, and began pumping this intruder full of lead. The man stumbled back as he then fell to the floor on his back.

"Heh! He ain't so tough." Alucard said, smiling his infamous shit-eating grin.

Alucard put his guns back into their holsters as he then walked over to the body and kneeled next to it. He then grabbed the body by the collar of the jumpsuit.

"Sonofabitch, you're still alive?!" Alucard shouted in confusion.

The man's body quickly shot up and stabbed Alucard in the heart. The knife was in deep and it kept getting dug deeper and deeper.

"It's gonna take a lot more than a stab in the heart to keep this fuck-mothering vampire down!" Alucard shouted, staring at the man's black soulless eyes.

The man then punches Alucard in the face with his free hand and Alucard falls down with the blade still in his chest. The man then stands up and grabs Alucard by the neck.

"What's your next move, motherfu-" Alucard was interrupted by the man snapping his neck.

The man then let go of Alucard, letting his body fall to the ground. The man then walked out of the house. Alucard's cell phone then begins to ring, no response from him.

You've reached the phone number of Alucard A.K.A TheCrimsonFucker A.K.A The No-Life King A.K.A The Bird of Hermes, I currently can't get to you right now because I'm either off fighting some weird ass monster or fucking your mother. Try calling back later or leave a message after the *BEEEEP*

"Alucard, It's me Integra. The man who just left your property is notorious serial killer Michael Myers! Answer me right now!" Integra shouts over the phone.

Alucard sits up and pops his neck back into place with a loud crunch and then proceeds to pull the knife out of his heart with blood to follow. Alucard then picks up the phone.

"I'm sorry, who now?" Alucard said.

"Michael Audrey Myers. Born October 19th 1957. When he was six years old he killed his older sister and-" Integra was cut off.

"Can you just skip to the part where you tell me how to kill this cock-muncher?!" Alucard yelled.

"I'm not sure if you can, Alucard…. from the writings that I've gathered from his late psychiatrist: Dr. Loomis, this man talks as if he's the devil himself. You're more than welcome to try though." Integra said with a very slight worry in her voice.

Integra knew Alucard was strong but how can someone like him face off against the physical manifestation of pure evil?

"Oh, please, Integra. You act as if I haven't faced off against a catholic priest, our ex-butler, and a living paradox. I find your lack of faith in me disturbing sometimes, Integra. Trust me, by the time I'm done with him I'll have put so many holes in him that I'll make him my new front yard birdbath!" Alucard said as he hung up the phone.

Alucard then looks out where his door once was and sees Michael walking away.

"Hey! Mikey! Where do you think you're going?! This monster brawl isn't over yet!" Alucard shouted.

Michael turned around, paused for a couple of seconds, and began walking back to Alucard's house. Alucard walked out of his doorway. (From Michael's point of view it resembles when Nosferatu was walking through the doorway in the movie.) The two then meet in the middle. Alucard standing ever so slightly taller than Michael.

"You ready to go another round, Shatner?" Alucard said, smiling menacingly.

Michael delivered a clean and quick right hand punch to Alucard's jaw.

"Ooh, no you did NOT!" Alucard said, fixing his crooked sunglasses.

Michael hits him with a left punch to the face, this time really meaning it. This time Alucard's sunglasses fell off his face.

"Okay. I guess you did. MY TURN!" Alucard said as he reeled back and punched Michael in the gut so hard he went flying a good 10 feet away.

Michael lands with a loud thud, however is still able to stand up afterwards. Alucard pulls out his guns again shooting Michael, but Michael is unfazed, bullets are passing through him and he is continuously pouring out blood. But he trudges forward like a tank until he's up close with Alucard. Unfortunately, just as Alucard was about to shoot Michael in the face he ran out of bullets in both guns.

"Ugh, you gotta be fucking kidding me." Alucard said.

Michael grabs Alucard's wrists and breaks both of them causing him to drop both of the guns. Michael picks them both up and tosses them to the side. Fortunately for Alucard he quickly heals his broken wrists.

"Okay, so you wanna play some old school fisticuffs don't cha? Well come on then! Give me your best shot, Myers!" Alucard shouted in anger.

Michael starts swinging hard with his punches, but Alucard was quick on his feet. Michael would throw a punch, Alucard would dodge it with relative ease. Alucard then started hitting back and each time Michael would get hit, he would almost fall down but he wouldn't allow himself to fall that easily. Then Michael threw a hard right and his hand landed into Alucard's mouth breaking, chipping, and caving in a few of his teeth. Michael pulled down hard and started to tear Alucard's jaw off, blood began to spray out of Alucard's cheeks. Thinking quickly, Alucard using a bit of his regenerative ability bit down on Michael's hand. Alucard thrashed around like a dog eating a big piece of meat, until Alucard tore Michael's right hand off. Michael stumbled backwards holding the blood squirting stump where his hand once was. Alucard then spat out Michael's hand.

"Now that's what I call a "hand-job"!" Alucard said as his cheeks and jaw grew back together.

Even though Michael was in pain, he didn't show it and remained silent.

"Oh, come on! There's so many jokes I can do here! I really gotta "hand" it to ya!" Alucard said with his hysterical laughter to follow.

Michael then rushed Alucard to the ground, now Michael was on top of Alucard and with his left hand he began digging his left thumb into Alucard's right eye. However, Alucard was able to push him off before he could dig any deeper.

"Alright, this is becoming bullshit now! One of us will die tonight and it sure as shit won't be me again!" Alucard said with a hint of tiredness in his voice.

Michael stands motionless, awaiting Alucard's next move.

"I didn't wanna have to do this, but you made me! BASKERVILLE! Lunch time!" Alucard shouted as a growling noise came from his stomach.

Michael tilted his head in confusion, then suddenly out of Alucard's stomach came this massive shadow in the shape of a wolf's head covered in several red eyes. It lunged at Michael and started tearing into him, blood and guts flew everywhere. By the end barely anything was left of Michael, except his head. In which Alucard decided to keep as a trophy.

"Happy Halloween, Michael." Alucard said holding Michael's head as he walked back into his house.

I'm Your Boogieman by White Zombie plays over the end credits.

That was my Halloween oneshot special! I've always wanted to do a story about each of these characters and now that I made them crossover, I'm very happy that I got to use them both. I hope you guys enjoyed this story and I hope y'all have a very Happy Halloween! This is GreenSonic420 signing out and remember to stay beautiful!