A/N: I said "hopefully sometime before Halloween" on the last chapter, and technically I delivered!

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He pulled Orange away. In some other room, a good distance from Orochimaru, he closed the door and shook his head. "I can't do it. I'm too ashamed." His tail was tucked firmly between his legs. "I'm not reliable. I change too much. Being with me is like being picked up inside a typhoon. I behave like a totally different person when I'm in the false world and when I'm out, when I'm insane and when I'm not, even just depending on my mood. And there is no way to predict when I'll shift or what state I'll shift to." He squeezed his eyes shut. "He's a scientist. He tries to find underlying causes and make sense of things. But it's not possible to make sense of me. I must be driving him mad."

Orange put a hand on his shoulder. "Rest. Speaking will be on me." He left the room.

Kakashi slumped to the floor. He thought he felt his newfound energy draining from him, which terrified him. How am I going to explain? I can't even explain it to myself. He had felt so good by himself, and with Orange who would never demand an explanation. But Orochimaru would want to understand, and if Kakashi tried to explain what had happened to him in such a way as it could be understood by someone else, he would fail. The falseness would shine through. The illusion would crumble. Kakashi gasped. Could that be why his energy was draining?

What the hell can I do? I can't ask him to remodel his entire personality. Needing answers is part of who he is. But even so, Kakashi didn't want to take the risk. Everything that sapped the strength he needed to stay sane was to be avoided. Everything. No matter how much he was told it was wrong to give up. He closed his eyes. Even if it is wrong. Even if it is shameful. Even so, for my own sake, I must ask him not to seek answers from me. For my own sake. Isn't that the very thing he always wanted me to value? Surely he can't be angry with me?

Looking after himself was a much, much harder task than he had ever envisioned. It seemed so easy to look after a person. Parents did it all the time. Surely something that thousands of people did every day with little trouble couldn't be hard? Yet here he was, struggling mightily with his life and sanity on the line. Maybe looking after yourself is much harder than looking after someone else. Either way, I sympathize with my poor father. Living without my mother, having to raise me - no wonder it was too much for him. Perhaps I inherited a certain weakness of the mind from him. Who knows.

The door opened. Kakashi got to his feet. Orochimaru stood there and studied him critically, but Kakashi was no longer afraid. "I can't explain," he said immediately. "I won't explain."

The snake tilted his head.

"Because trying to explain myself makes the illusion apparent, and that drains my energy. It's not good for me to try to make sense." I hope he understands. I hope he is not mad at me.

Orochimaru said nothing. He looked entirely unaffected, as if he didn't care anymore. Kakashi's shoulders slumped. I understand. It's not safe to care about me. Nonetheless, he wanted connection. He wanted their bond back. Without it, how would he go on?

Orange leaned in so he could be seen. "Healing. Light." That was an order.

They both followed him to the room Kakashi had been imprisoned in. Orange had them sit two meters apart facing each other, and he sat between them. He closed his eyes and concentrated. He began to glow.

Kakashi closed his eyes and basked in the glow. It felt so good that he heard the inner voice again. Want, it called, but distantly. It was not powerful enough to drive him mad. He could allow himself to feel good without fear.

All too soon, it ended. Kakashi opened his eyes. Orange stretched. Orochimaru's eyes were still closed. He was upset. Kakashi caught Orange's eye and gestured at the snake, silently asking if it would be wise to go to him. Orange nodded. Kakashi circled around and embraced his companion from the side. He leaned his head on Orochimaru's shoulder. It felt just like nuzzling his wolf mate had.

Slowly, so gradually he didn't notice at first, Orochimaru leaned back. A strange thought occurred to Kakashi. If he is in pain, perhaps I should go to him to hold him and care for him. That was a strange thought because usually he perceived himself as a burden, so his first instinct was to disappear. If I retreat, what if instead of making his burdens lighter, I'm only abandoning him? He hugged tighter. "Orochimaru?"

"What?"

"Do you want me around?"

After a pause, the snake asked, "What kind of question is that?"

"The kind of question that I haven't bothered to ask before," Kakashi replied. "My assumption has always been that you don't. You put up with me. You say you want me around, but it's only pretend. I assume that of everyone - that pretending to want me around is just part of being polite." He let those words finish ringing through the air before he spoke again. "But maybe my assumptions are wrong."

"You don't trust me worth crap." Orochimaru spoke bitterly, his voice hard and clipped.

"I haven't before. But now I might be starting to."

Orochimaru shook him off. The snake got up and went to the other side of the room to stare at the wall, leaving Kakashi alone on the floor. "It's nice to know that my devotion was unmatched."

"But now it can be," Kakashi said. "I think I've finally learned how to love."

"What am I supposed to do? Give you chance after chance until the end of time? I already tried that before. It didn't work." Orochimaru turned around. "You are just like Jiraiya."

Kakashi stiffened. That was a very serious thing to say. But Orange did not know this. "Who is Jiraiya?" the angel asked.

"He's the fucker who got drunk at an after-mission party, kissed me, heard me tell him I'd always liked him, then left me alone on the floor in the morning and pretended none of it ever happened," Orochimaru replied.

Kakashi felt sick. He hadn't fully understood the consequences of his actions. Now their true magnitude became apparent. There's no question. I was 100% without a doubt abandoning him. He's been abandoned before. How can he ever trust me again? It was a relief when Orochimaru turned back to face the wall again. Kakashi couldn't stand to meet his eyes.

"Sorrow," Orange said. "Lostness. Aloneness."

"Yeah," Orochimaru muttered.

"On the two ends."

Kakashi looked up. Orochimaru looked back. They caught each other's eyes. Was that true? Were they both the same? Kakashi thought he felt something flash through the air between them: a soul-message saying Don't leave me. But Orochimaru turned away and didn't say anything.

Kakashi got to his feet. For no reason that he could identify, he didn't stand up like a normal human being. He levitated himself upright, like a demon. He didn't realize he was doing it until he was already standing. He blinked in surprise. Why did I do that? But he had just promised to not try to make sense, so he pushed the question away. "I spoke with Jiraiya quite a lot after you left. I think I know what he was thinking."

"As if I care."

"He was ashamed."

Orochimaru pretended not to care for five more seconds. Then he asked, "Of me?"

"Of himself. You were right. I am like him. I felt ashamed just a little while ago and couldn't stand to face you. I thought that you didn't want me around. The sight of me would be a burden. You would hate me for cruelly inflicting myself on you. Hadn't I already hurt you enough?"

"To some extent, that's true," Orochimaru murmured.

"Then, if some time passed and you didn't seem angry with me, I would assume that you'd recovered enough strength to resume tolerating my presence. It wouldn't occur to me to think you still needed me, or that you ever had needed me, except perhaps for the one moment where I'd failed you." Kakashi tilted his head. "As if once someone lets you down, you stop needing their help. As if need can be cut off just like that. As if it's that easy to stop caring."

Orochimaru whispered something inaudible. From the feel of his soul, Kakashi guessed it was something along the lines of, "I wish it was."

"Add to that a dose of unexpected personal revelation, and I can see why fear sent him running from you," Kakashi continued. "You probably scared the life out of him." He turned to Orange and explained, "Jiraiya was widely known for chasing women. A man like that wouldn't seem to be one to deny himself, but he had a reputation to live up to. It's not that strange that he had to get very drunk before he could kiss another man, and couldn't bring himself to even acknowledge it once sober. A man who chases women is one thing. That's normal and accepted. If he was known to chase other men, not so much."

"Chasing? Like meat for the night's start?" Orange asked, confused. "Common hearts can't be chased that way. Are not meat."

"Ah…" Kakashi blushed. "You would be really surprised to learn how people in these lands think of relationships between the two sexes."

"Nothing you said just now is new to me, Puppy," Orochimaru said. "I've always known he was a secret coward. Pathetic and not worthy of the admiration bestowed upon him. If he was a hero of the village, what does that say about the village? I couldn't stand to stay in that miserable place afterward. Everything I looked at reeked of cowardice. It was all a sham, a front. Nobody was as brave or heroic as they pretended to be. The Will of Fire was a giant lie, and I was expected to buy it!" He hissed. "I won't. I don't tolerate lies or illusions."

Kakashi felt like he'd been shot with a crossbow bolt. But I'm an illusion.

Orochimaru realized what he'd said. He turned around again. "What I mean by that is -"

"The only illusions or lies you tolerate are ones that are useful to you." Kakashi looked down. "You lie. You hide. You use every technique possible to disguise who you really are. You don't have a problem with that at all when it serves you. But if anyone else does those same things, it's an obstacle to you."

"That's how shinobi are."

"But I thought we weren't shinobi anymore."

"I still don't enjoy being lied to."

Kakashi could not reply. Is that what he thinks of my constant changing? That it's not real? I'm lying to him, claiming to be distressed one minute and alright the next, for…what reason? Just to torture him? Doesn't he understand that I am just as tortured?

"To return to the subject at hand," Orochimaru said evenly. "I don't give a damn how tortured and guilty Jiraiya may have felt. The facts are the facts. He behaved like a coward. He ran away. Such a miserable, sniveling excuse for a human being is not worthy of me."

Excuse for a human being… That phrase echoed around Kakashi's mind as if it had been yelled inside a great cavern. Once again, he could not reply. He doesn't care. Nothing that I feel changes the facts. I'm not worthy of him.

Orochimaru also said nothing. He stared in Kakashi's direction. He seemed to be waiting.

Does he really not care for me anymore? A great bleeding wound opened in Kakashi's heart. Is our bond severed forever?

A very thick silence descended over the room. Orange refused to break it. According to his body language, it was a deliberate maneuver. There was a reason why he let the tension mount and the silence thicken.

A new sort of question occurred to Kakashi. So what if it is? He blinked at the audacity of his own thoughts. So what if our bond is severed? I still want him. I still feel as if I must share my life with him. Nothing that he feels changes the facts. I love him.

"What a useless excuse."

Orochimaru tilted his head.

"Not worthy of you?" Kakashi laughed a short, bitter laugh. "That's nothing more than an excuse for your own cowardice. Why did he have to be nearly blackout drunk before you'd tell him how you felt? If you hated the pretense that it had never happened, why did you participate in that lie?" He met the snake's eyes. "If it is true that cowardice makes one unworthy, then it's you who are unworthy. So it's ironic that you of all people would say such a thing. You have no ground to stand upon."

Orochimaru's yellow eyes glittered. "Cowards rise from the depths of fear by taking a stand against it."

Was everything he said just now a test? Kakashi clenched his fists. "I don't believe that cowardice makes people unworthy. You are worthy of me, no matter what you do."

"Am I?"

"Yes. Because I love you and I want you in my life."

Kakashi's heart clenched on the last word. All at once, his bravery evaporated. What did I just do? Am I suicidal? Saying such a thing so plainly is asking for death. He stood like a frightened deer, motionless, waiting for the man who held his heart to either affirm it or crush it. If he says that he still doesn't want me, I don't know what I'll do. Probably go mad again.

Orochimaru crept closer. Kakashi closed his eyes. Here it comes. He'll say whatever he has to say. I can't predict it, and there's nothing I can do to change it.

He felt the snake circle him, watching, peering, investigating. Every hair on his body rose. The judgment was almost more than he could take. Orochimaru stopped directly behind him and stayed there, making Kakashi more and more nervous. What does he want from me? Orochimaru touched the back of his neck, making Kakashi shiver. What is he going to do to me? The snake hissed softly. Even with soul sense, his intentions were ambiguous. He could do anything.

"What if I don't want you in my life?"

Kakashi held back tears through force of will. "I would be very sad. I wouldn't know how to live anymore. I might go mad again."

"And what if I do?"

This was the most terrifying question of all. Kakashi knew he could only pass or fail. There was no third option. What is the right answer? What does he want to hear? Without using his powers to read the snake's mind, Kakashi could not know. He had to give his best answer and hope it was enough. He felt naked as he forced himself to say, "I would be very happy."

More silence. Then: "You would?"

"Y-yes."

"Genuinely?"

No force of will could hold back tears now. "I would be very happy to be with you."

"How can I believe you? You have not once indicated that being around me makes you happy. You have stated a thousand times that it makes you anxious, frightened, guilty and ashamed. My presence in your life doesn't seem to be a good thing. Quite the opposite."

Kakashi's knees weakened. He let them give, sinking down onto his knees on the floor. What could he say to that? Orochimaru was correct. Entirely, horribly correct. "Through you, I try to learn how to be happy. It's true that I haven't yet succeeded. But without your help, I never will. Please stay with me."

"If I say yes, will that turn you into a nervous wreck?"

"No."

"Because I don't happen to enjoy turning people I care for into nervous wrecks."

Kakashi laughed. "If you say yes, I promise to go to sleep immediately."

"Hm. That's something I'd like to see." Orochimaru took several long, hopeful seconds to think. "Very well. Welcome home."

Kakashi wanted to rise to his feet and hug his mate, his former and now once again life partner. But he was so overcome by joy that he couldn't. He silently trembled in happiness. Then he realized how tired he was, how hard he had fought and how much he would have to fight still. He lay on the floor on his belly and closed his eyes.

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He woke up slowly. There was light, but it was soft and warm and flickering. He smelled a bit of smoke and opened his eyes just long enough to make sure there was no threat. Then he closed his eyes again and rested. His rest felt strangely involuntary. Even as he rose to wakefulness, his limbs continued to feel partially paralyzed. He recognized this feeling from long and difficult missions. His body was saying, No more. He knew how to ignore that voice, how to force his body on despite exhaustion. But why would I want to do such a thing? This body allows me to experience the world. I love it. I ought to be nice to it. So he continued to lie still.

He was nestled in the coils of the giant serpent statue. Someone must have brought him there, but why? Kakashi yawned, stretched a little, and said, "I've put him through a great deal of pain. I'm sorry for that. I hope I can make up for it." As usual, the mother serpent didn't move. He had no sense of her soul, so he couldn't know what she thought or felt. He hoped his apology was alright.

His body relaxed and permitted him to move, but slowly. In careful movements, he climbed down from her coils and stood on the floor. I don't have to climb. I can use other powers to move this body however I want. Kakashi looked down at his hand. No; his body wanted to be listened to, so he should listen to it. Anything else would be very rude. He walked to the door the normal way and exited the large room.

The sound of his own footsteps seemed more important than usual. It could not be ignored. Kakashi noticed the feel of the air on his skin, the details of light playing on the walls, the way his bones and muscles and organs felt inside his skin. Woah. This is the opposite of the false world! Everything feels super real. I could have nothing more than a four-meter square room to pace in, and in this state I would never be bored. He'd never felt anything like it. He was amazed. Running his hand over the wall was as wonderful and meaningful to him as witnessing Naruto mastering a new jutsu had been before. It's like those stories of people who travel far away in search of happiness only to find it when they come home. I could have had this all along, couldn't I?

No. He felt very certain that he could not have. The person who returns home is not the same person who left. He could not imagine having this new awareness if he had never gone insane.

Where did they go?

He pushed his new awareness aside in order to find Orochimaru. The snake was not far away, but Kakashi kept stopping to watch flames dance in a torch or feel the muscles of his legs grow warm. Eventually he made it. Orochimaru was reading a book. A cup of tea sat on a table next to him. The black she-snake, whose name Kakashi did not remember, slithered slowly around and over him. She tasted Kakashi's scent in the air and hissed. Orochimaru didn't move. He kept reading.

The urgency that had motivated Kakashi faded away completely. His question could wait. His idea did not need to be explored right this second. This was what mattered: company and being together and peace. He sat against one wall and sighed.

They were like that for some time. It was a long and excellent time. Kakashi felt like he was drinking directly from a spring of eternal youth. How could I ever be empty? He knew that the answer was Very Easily. It would be so easy to be empty, to lose access to this spring and run out of strength and go mad again. So easy, and yet impossibly hard. Like the difference between his hand being at rest versus moving a finger. Moving and not moving. Zero and one. The greatest possible difference between two numbers: the difference between nothing and something. Kakashi watched his left hand. Did he want to move his fingers? He decided not.

"Are you happy now?" Orochimaru asked.

"Yes."

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A/N: Often, I do things without knowing why I am doing them. Months or years later, I discover, "So that's why I did that thing!" This is one of those happy occasions. I never knew why I made all of the chapter titles on this story verbs. But now, I do.