"Thank you for coming down to finalize our report."
Ranma and I shifted uncomfortably on the hard plastic chairs in the kōban. As it was late, no one else was in the small community police station than us. Officers Yamada and Tanaka were on the other side of a plain metal desk, taking notes amid the mess of confiscated wallets, purses, and miscellaneous bags that had been stuffed in our thief's backpack.
My bag had been removed from the general pile, its carrying straps cut and frayed.
Officer Tanaka was clearly the senior, with a touch of gray beginning at either side of his temple. Officer Yamada looked quite young in comparison, and it suddenly struck me how he was likely only a few years older than us.
The younger Yamada brought out two small steaming cups of tea in styrofoam cups. Ranma hadn't made a move to even accept his, keeping a wary eye on it from its perch on the desk.
I thanked him and sipped mine slowly, appreciating the calming warmth of the tea, distracting my body from the ache in my leg as I focused on the bitter grassy taste and the contrast of the heat amidst the overly air conditioned police station.
Tanaka continued. "We are required to do an inventory after any attempted robbery. Would you please check your belongings, Miss Tendo? And you, Miss Saotome? Did you lose anything?"
Ranma scowled, but refrained from any corrections. He was still in his cursed female body, and it seemed easier to just stay that way than explain how a fellow "victim" had disappeared. "Nothin' of mine got stolen. Just Akane's."
Panic suddenly gripped me. They needed to inventory the contents of my bag. "You…you need to go through my bag? Um, there's really no need!"
Tanaka frowned. "We have to make sure what was your property versus anything that the thieves may have taken from other victims."
My face flushed with heat and I could only imagine the tell tale blush appearing on my cheeks.
"Wait!"
Before I could stop him, my bag's contents were gently spilled onto the desk.
I couldn't look. Both hands instantly flew to my face in embarrassment and I winced.
"Uh…Akane?" Ranma's voice, still in his female soprano tones, was baffled. "Is that…what I think it is?"
Reluctantly I forced my eyes open, and it was even more embarrassing than I imagined. No one was paying attention to the usual items in a young lady's handbag (my wallet, lip gloss, housekeys, and a neatly folded coupon). All eyes were on the shiny plastic pile of colorful condoms covering the table. Why, oh why had Nodoka put so many of them in my bag? Even if my mother-in-law-to-be seriously wanted Ranma and me to…to have intimate relations, who on earth needed more than a dozen condoms for one date?!
Even Tanaka and Yamada were temporarily tongue tied. Yamada cleared his throat pointedly. "Miss, I'm not interested in bringing prostitution charges against you or your friend this evening, if that is what concerns you. If those thieves were actually your pimps, we can protect you. We just need the truth."
The truth?! Sure, I bet they'd believe it if I told them it was just my overly enthusiastic and pushy future mother-in-law stuffing my purse against my will to bed her "man among men" son. Even worse, what was Ranma thinking about me right now?
I had to try, right? "I'm not - we're not - they're not mine! I mean, they are, but I didn't put them in there." Oh great. I was getting even more tongue tied than Ranma. All I wanted was a sinkhole to open up beneath my feet and swallow me in.
Frankly, I cared less about explaining to the officers than clearing up any misunderstandings with Ranma. I could barely bring myself to look in his direction. "They weren't my idea! Remember when your mother pulled me aside, earlier? She was..she insisted I take those."
In what I can only assume was an act of divine intervention, Ranma's face lit with sudden comprehension. "Oh, that's why you were so embarrassed when we left the house this evening! Sheesh, Ma can be pushy."
So of course, if Ranma actually understood what was happening, it only made sense for the universe to not impart equal understanding on anyone else. Especially as the madam of a brothel was often referred to as "mama-san" or other "mother" titles.
Tanaka, in a classic take of "good cop, bad cop" immediately used a gruffer tone. "My younger partner is a softie, but if you don't cooperate, I can and will make charges. I don't want hookers walking our streets, this is a respectable, family friendly neighborhood!"
Ranma turned to face Tanaka. His pretty, feminine face was like an ice sculpture, and his voice was cold and level. "Are you accusing my fiancée of being a whore?"
"Fiancée?" Both officers looked confused now.
Ranma grabbed his abandoned cup of tea, and poured it over himself. Faster than the human eye could take in, Ranma stood in his undeniably male body; a flat, broad chest, a clearly pronounced Adam's apple, and his defined muscular biceps and calloused, large hands. The hair color change only added to the transformation.
Both officers jumped out of their seats, terrified expressions on their faces.
"You-you're a man? How?"
I let out a sigh. "He always is a man. He just has this curse, that means his body changes to a female one with cold water. Hot water restores him. It took me a while to understand, too, but he's always the same on the inside, where it counts."
The younger officer poked Ranma in his exposed arm, where the yukata sleeve was missing, as if to convince himself he wasn't hallucinating the change.
Tanaka managed to regain his composure first. "I saw both your IDs…from Nerima, right? You wouldn't happen to be from the Tanihara precinct of Nerima?"
Officer Yamada's eyebrows were nearly at his hairline, his eyes round with a mixture of fear and surprise. "I thought that was a myth to scare new recruits! 'Shape up or we'll post you to Tanihara with the kitsune shapeshifters and yokai!'"
"I'm not a fox!" Ranma protested testily, his arms crossed against his now toned and flat chest. "I'm just cursed."
Officer Tanaka resumed his seat, switching back into information gathering mode. "Those stories about a flying ox-yeti-eel monster are just exaggerated, right?"
I tried to give the officer a reassuring smile, but it came out a bit strained. "Oh, um, he's very real. His name is Taro. He's a menace, but he hasn't been back in a long time."
The younger Yamada's face had paled even further. I guess it is a lot to take in all at once. I've gotten so used to the strange and magical that it's become mundane to me.
Yamada turned to Tanaka. "How the hell do we write our report now, senpai?"
Tanaka's face was firm, remembering that he had an example to uphold as the senior officer. "I'm not about to be a laughing stock. We tell the truth, but not all the details. Selective briefing is key, haven't I been telling you?" Tanaka took a deep breath and glared at the paper and pen in his hands, setting them on the desk with a thunk before continuing.
"The report will read as follows: We apprehended two muggers. We escorted the injured female victims to the clinic. They were treated. Their statements confirm what the crowd said of being mugged and that they had enough self defense training to hold off the assailants until we arrived. End of story."
Ranma's arms were crossed and his jaw set tightly before he added, "And you'll apologize to my fiancée for insulting her honor."
Ranma's glare was as unwavering as steel.
My eyebrows rose in surprise. Every now and again Ranma could get openly protective of anyone disrespecting me, like that incident with Herb. Still, I hadn't expected Ranma to be this adamant about the situation. He was asking, no, demanding that these respected public safety officers issue an apology to me, a mere teenage girl.
As if I wasn't surprised enough for the evening, both policemen bowed to me. Tanaka's voice was sincere as he spoke. "Our apologies for making brash deductions on your character, miss."
I could only nod with mute acceptance.
With a quick snap of his wrist, Tanaka closed his notebook. "If that's all, you are free to leave."
Ranma and I nodded weary agreement and left the station.
My mouth cracked open in a huge yawn, which I politely covered with my hand. I was more than ready to head home, too.
"Ranma, what time is it?"
Ranma checked his watch and I caught his eyes grow wide. "Oh shit!"
"What?"
"It's already 11:30 pm."
My heart was racing. We were easily a 45 minute walk away from our desired train station, and no trains ran past midnight, even on a festival day. "But we'll never catch the last train back home!"
Ranma crouched down, his back facing me. "That's not an option. Hop on."
"What?" I was tired and having trouble following Ranma's plan.
"If I run full out, we can make it. We both know you can't on that leg. So, hop on, now!"
"But-" I wanted to argue. I don't like it when I can't pull my own weight. My pride bristled.
"If you don't hop on, you know I'm just going to carry you bridal style!" Ranma warned, and I knew it was no idle threat.
I sighed in resignation. "Fine. Okay. Let's go."
Original Publication Date: October 30, 2023
Happy early Halloween! If interested, check out my profile for my "Halloween Havok" Ranma/Akane story!
