Disclaimer: Do not own Devilman Lady manga or The Devil Lady anime
AU here. Asuka isn't some Orchid gene carrier or anything like that. She's a normal trans woman who happens to hunt devilbeasts.
Also, this is probably going to be a very "out of character" fic. Asuka more or less regretting the things she put Jun through, and trying to show how Asuka falls in love with Jun. Will be repetitive and extremely OOC.
Please ignore what happens in the manga and what happens at the end of the anime.
Potential warnings for violence typical of the anime, self-hatred and borderline sexual predation.
Not to mention specific warnings for mentions of parents not supporting a trans child.
Not what you think
What I did, Jun? It was never what you thought.
Every time I pushed, every time, I'll admit, I was cruel-it wasn't to hurt you. But I've ended up hurting you every single time, haven't I?
It's why I will make sure you can never be hurt again.
That time…the first time, I'll admit, yes, I deliberately hurt you. To awaken your instincts. Your demon abilities.
I still have nightmares about that, though I'd never tell you that outright.
The first time, when I let that wolf devilbeast tear into you…at the time, I felt disturbed that you wouldn't defend yourself at first. But that wasn't all I felt. Do you know that, Jun?
I almost felt the need to interfere…but of course, being the unscrupulous tracker of beasts I was, could I falter? I know I would make a different decision now. But I suppose that doesn't matter to you. And it shouldn't. I don't think there is much that I can say to make up for what I have done to you.
And when the wolf devilbeast tore into you, it turned my stomach that you denied such a vital part of yourself, that you risked death. But I put you in that situation, didn't I?
And when your devilman abilities were awakened, and you destroyed that lowly beast? I admit, I was happy at the success that we accomplished. But in hindsight, I know that there's nothing that excuses what happened. What I did.
Even finding that you could pull off the Giga Effect and stop devilbeasts when they've become massive, I know, would not soften the bitterness of what you experienced.
Later, we brought you back to your apartment. Before you ask, yes, I had people watching your apartment. I know it's probably unsurprising and essentially tracks with how controlling I am with you.
We didn't have people start watching you, until a few days after you took down the wolf devilbeast.
However, you reacted after you took down your first beast? I did not see it.
Because of how soft-hearted you are, I can only imagine how you reacted when you remembered what happened the previous night.
When I say soft-hearted, I assure you, I don't mean weak, Jun. Not anymore.
I mean gentle.
It took me a long time to admit to myself that it took someone great strength to still be gentle, amongst the midst of so much horror and violence.
When there were reports of DBT detected at that bar, Dagon, I went to the restaurant. And yes, it was a tactical move. To use the pictures of you and of the blood you shed, while you were with Kazumi, so as to get you to leave with me and go to the bar. I'm sorry, Jun. I know how it hurt you when you saw me there, next to Kazumi, seeing those pictures that I took of you in your Devilman form.
Did you expect me to not be able to say sorry? Well, I am.
If it means anything to you, I was just as surprised as you are, when I realized how sorry I was for what I did. And my appearance at the restaurant with you and Kazumi, is just the start of the things I'm sorry for.
When we were outside the bar, I know I scared you when I beat the hell out of that drunkard who touched me. I'm sorry for alarming you, but not sorry for putting that trash in his place. He would have grabbed you, were I not there as an option.
When at last, we entered the bar, and I threw the Molotov cocktail to light up the bar, allowing us to see around us, I knew what sort of reaction you'd have to the bodies.
I knew what conflicts you'd feel. Fear of the blood, of the carnage. Of the deaths.
But I knew you'd feel a hunger too. It wouldn't surprise me if you felt that hunger as soon as you smelled a whiff of the blood inside.
I said what I had to lure your devilman form out. And that includes when that revolting insect attacked and sliced into you with its blades.
I am not so arrogant as to think that I saved your life. You would not have been in danger, had I not brought you there in the first place.
But one thing I don't regret, is that insect's death. It's accusations against you, when it was the one that had attacked you first.
Wretched thing. Too bad you had to kill it twice.
When I draped the towel over your naked form, your back was to me and I was grateful for that, because it tore at my heart to see how in pain you were. Does it surprise you that I have a heart? I do.
And it hurt, it hurt more than I wished to admit, to see you in so much pain, to hear you cry, to hear you scream up into the sky after you succeeded in killing the insect.
I had the strangest impulse after I heard you cry out like that. The impulse I felt, was to take you into my arms. Never mind that, for now.
You refused to look anyone in the eye the whole time after that.
I can hardly blame you.
There is one other thing I did that I truly regret, Jun. At another bar, after I had the "actor" I suppose, who worked for us, go to the bathroom and not return, I arrived, and issued you that warning.
You might not believe me, Jun, but I regret what I said to you, the threat I gave you. I know I would never threaten you like that now.
But it doesn't change what I said then, does it?
I think that's why, after you left, upset, I ordered several drinks in a row. I talk about the "real you," and honesty about what you want. But I can't face up to the things I did. Drinking myself into a near stupor was more appealing to me at the time.
I rationalized it, thinking that it was for the best. That it meant we were protecting people, and we had a dangerous devilman under our control.
Well, you know what comes next, don't you? While I couldn't have predicted that the beasts would go after your little friend, Kazumi, I know I should have expected it. We could have provided protection, if we just predicted that as a possibility.
I swear, if we'd known that she and her family were going to be targeted? We would have provided guards at all time for her and her mother and father.
That promise doesn't make much of a difference now, does it?
When I learned that beasts were hunting Kazumi and her family, I knew who they were trying to get to. And it wasn't me.
I suspected it would have done nothing, even before we arrived at Kazumi's home, to see if you were at your apartment. Nonetheless, I sent Maeda up. I wasn't all that surprised when he couldn't find you.
That was when we took the helicopter to the Takiura home. I'm sorry. We got there too late.
But then, you know that, don't you?
I know I don't have to tell you the condition of the house. You know very well, don't you? It collapsed. Because you fought so hard to protect Kazumi from sharing the same fate as her parents.
You killed two beasts in one fight, when you still were new to your abilities.
I know that I am trying to lessen my fixation on your power. But you should be proud for that. You should be proud to have taken down two beasts in a fight when you still were learning how to use your abilities. And to have protected Kazumi.
I saw how distraught you were, after you killed both beasts, while you were hovering you're your newly acquired wings, above the destroyed Takiura home. Whether it was because of what you were forced to do, or because Kazumi lost both her parents and was traumatized by it, or both, it clearly was destroying you.
Again, that stinging in my chest affected me more than I wanted to admit. I felt the words spill out, even if I knew that you couldn't hear them, "You can't be afraid of what you are, Jun."
And I meant it. It wasn't just because I wanted my Hunter J to be unflinching, it was because I know better than a lot of people, what it's like to be afraid of who you are. I know it can tear someone apart from the inside.
I never wished that for you.
Being the person I am-identifying as a woman, when I was born in a male body? And when I told my mother and father, neither of which tried to understand my identity…well, you didn't ask for a sob story, did you? I know I should still be ashamed to this day of it, but I was relieved when my mother was murdered by my father. And when I had to kill him. Because he was a devilbeast.
I know you didn't know. I safeguarded my secrets well, while I picked yours apart.
I know I can never make up for that.
And when you collapsed, I knew the fall wouldn't kill you, but we went down and retrieved you, put you in a safe room in the facility. Cleaned you up and gave you fluids through the IV.
I know that sounds like we did such a kind thing for you. But I know we didn't.
Yes, I kept a camera in your room, yes, I wanted to observe your reactions when you woke up.
You thrashed a great deal in your sleep from nightmares.
When you awoke, I watched you panic and bang your fists on the door. Don't think me without even a shred of compassion, Jun. I didn't open the door because I knew that letting you out wouldn't help your panic.
Or I thought it wouldn't, anyway.
When you settled down and began telling me the story of your life, I'll admit, it was for scientific purposes. But it pained me to hear how much pain you were in.
When you began crying, I chose that time to try to comfort you. Small as the action was.
I gave you relief from thinking your cries would be unanswered and brought you fresh clothes. Not that that came even close to being what you needed. Or even close to something like decency.
I led you to the main office. I introduced you to our director. Not that he had much to say that was helpful.
When you asked about Kazumi, I'll admit that I wasn't as careful with my response as I could have been.
I thought; I really thought that it would be less of a strain on you if Kazumi was taken care of by her relatives rather than you. You did not need that extra strain on you.
When you were at last given leave to go, I could tell you were relieved to get away from the facility, and from me.
I still couldn't blame you for that.
Then the beast that was huge and trying to reproduce, by absorbing human men into it, struck.
I will admit to having committed multiple breaches of trust and respect with you. Any comment you say to me, I most likely deserve. However, I ask for a moment, Jun, that you sympathize with my position, after dealing with the top general. He said he wouldn't risk his men going in, so, you and I were welcome to try.
A trained officer, whose job it is to protect civilians, wasn't willing to enter the building to do his job.
Please take a moment to sympathize with some of my frustration, if nothing else, for having to deal with such ignorance.
And you and I went up in the building together.
I was relieved that you were coming with me without complaint. But I had to wonder about it.
I hoped that it wasn't because you were just trying to placate me.
I asked, I'll admit, not without some perversity, "What's the strange passiveness? Could it be you've accepted the idea of being a hunting dog? Or do you like the hunt? Perhaps the blood you've already shed has intoxicated you, and you want more, is that it?"
I confess, I felt a certain perverse satisfaction at that second possibility.
I liked the idea that I could provide something for you that brought that more true side of you pleasure.
And when you announced that you only were doing this to stop the beasts from killing more people, I know I responded flippantly.
And while I'll admit, I had doubts about your reasoning, I won't lie, I felt some admiration at your words. While I have fortified myself with coldness and calculation, you grasp onto morality hard. Perhaps like a shield, but you grasp it.
And I won't lie? When you transformed and destroyed that beast, blasting the windows out and tearing the thing to pieces with your sheer power? I was frightened. Does that satisfy you? Knowing that you frightened me?
I think it might disappoint me a little if it didn't satisfy you.
At the time, at least, I was frightened of you.
Now? No, now, I could never be frightened of you.
Now, because I understand you so much more. Because I know now, you really are altruistic, moral and selfless. You survived so much to still be that way. Including me.
