She was his friend, even he couldn't deny that so he told the dark voice to "Fuck Off" and turned back around to try and get more sleep, because there was still a couple of hours before the babies needed to feed.

Then another thought had him shooting awake… today was his and Alex's appointment with the Doctor.

oOo

He was nervous, clearly so and that made him antsy and short tempered, which he was trying his best to contain, something he was never particularly good at, which meant when she asked him if he'd like brown sugar with his coffee, which she knew full well he always did, he snarled and snapped at her to that exact affect, releasing all of the pent up tension he'd been holding since he awoke that morning. "Of course I bloody well do, it's not like I don't drink the exact same drink every fucking morning!" he'd snapped out, leg jumping against the floor as though he was already wired on caffeine.

He regretted it the second it had left his lips. His leg stopped jumping and he wiped his face with his hand as his stomach plummeted and heart sank. Stupid fucking wanker.

She didn't say anything and when he finally mustered up the courage to look at her face she was holding out the coffee cup with an arched eyebrow and a small smirk.

"You did that on purpose" he grumbled, now he realised that he hadn't just blown everything in one vicious outburst and had infact been already outsmarted by the golden girl and it wasn't even 10am.

"You feel better though, right?" She asked dryly and he nodded behind his cup. "Marginally… I am sorry"

She reached over and placed a hand on his arm. "Don't be sorry, just don't hide from me Severus, I was terrified before my exam. Mortified, frightened, embarrassed, ashamed…angry, I swear I went through the whole spectrum of human emotion and I bottled it up to the point that I nearly exploded with it…literally, I set fire to her clipboard. Remember what I said, you are entitled to your feelings, here in this house, with me, you don't have to work so hard at hiding everything. You are entitled to feel what you feel, if you want to be scared, be scared, if you want to be nervous, be nervous, stop dedicating so much energy into trying to hide how you feel and instead just feel it and let yourself work through it"

Sighing deeply, he placed his other hand over hers and bumped her knee with his under the table. "It is , as you say. I seem to feel everything all at once, yet somewhat numb at the same time…but most of all, I feel…ashamed"

"Because you're a wizard… or because you're a man?" As always she had hit the nail on the head and he scowled at her, though there was no real malice behind it and he capitulated quickly.

"Yes…both I suppose, but yes…because I am a man."

"Because you are a big, physically strong and tall man, and didn't think something like this could happen to you?"

He shot her a look but she didn't back down. "Can we have a little less of the calling me out on the subconscious ingrained misogyny before noon please, I would still like to be able to call myself a feminist"

Chuckling she moved her chair closer to his and rested her head on his shoulder, they were pressed together side by side and he leant into her touch, pressing his head against hers and she smiled gently at that.

"You're not a misogynist Severus, you are an equal-opportunity bastard if ever I met one, of all the things you single people out on for your venom, gender or sexuality was never one of them, don't think I hadn't noticed."

He grunted a bit, but didn't say anything, but she knew her words had found their target.

"It hurts you, because it shook you. I would hazard a guess and say that you, like me, like most intelligent children, was a target growing up, that you were bullied and belittled and probably hurt and picked on…yet something happened when you grew up, suddenly you were strong and capable, you were wise and mature and had a strength you didn't have as a child and people respected you for it, maybe even feared you a bit and you thought all that was behind you, that you could take care of and defend yourself …until you couldn't, and it hurts all the more because you thought that the part of your life where you were a victim was over, that you just had to grow up and be smart and be strong and no one could ever make you feel so small again."

"Are we talking about me , or you here Hermione?" He asked and there was a deep resignation in his tone, and her answer. "Both, I think". He slung an arm around her waist, pressed a kiss to her hair. "I think so too, astute as always Miss Granger, 2 points to Gryffindor"

Laughing she pushed him away and threw a biscuit at him. "2 points! You absolute tosser, you can't even give a decent amount of metaphorical house points, I'm getting in the shower, you can drink your coffee in peace you Slytherin twat" He chuckled at her as she stuck her tongue out at him and he stuck two fingers up at her with one hand as he drank his coffee with the other, which made her snort and giggle as she went up the stairs.

Perhaps he would survive today after all.

oOo

By 2pm he was reconsidering whether he would survive the day at all. Herminone's cousin, was a lovely woman, and a born doctor. She was pleasant, friendly and reassuring and she was firm without being pushy, she clearly knew the textbook on trauma from memory and you couldn't have asked for a better doctor for the situation… but that didn't stop him from wanting to crawl out of his skin every moment he spent in her room.

The midwife who'd come and gone, was a short black woman who was friendly and warm with a very strong accent, that instantly put him and the babies at ease, and he breathed easier as he was assured that Alexander at least was perfectly healthy, ten fingers and ten toes, over 24" tall already, his heart and lungs were clear, reflexes good and he was blood typed, O like Severus, and he was assured that he was going to be "as handsome and as tall as his daddy be, if not taller still". He was also assured that "hims gonna be wicked smart too, can see it in dem eyes. Trust me for I be doin this a long time and he's gonna have a mind to envy that one". And after one more mortifying conversation where he had to stammer through a response on whether he wanted his son circumcised or not, which Hermione had thankfully interjected and said he'd needed some more time to think about that, He thanked the friendly midwife and then it was just him, Hermione and the Doctor while the midwife watched both babies in the next room.

"So Severus, I'm not going to beat around the bush with you as Hermione assures me you're one that would prefer we speak plainly as myself and Hermione do, we both know why you're here and I have a few questions for you before we go any further if that's alright?"

He nodded, taking a deep breath and being thankful that she was being clinical and not coddling him. Science, medical facts, plain and simple he could cope with. Being asked about his feelings and thoughts he really coud not. Still he was thankful that the arms of the chair he sat in was below the desk level, so she could not see the painful and white knuckled grip he had on the arm of the chair, even moreso when Hermione casually slipped her hand under his and gripped his hand tightly, allowing him to squeeze her hand far too tightly and in doing so giving his sanity an anchor and allowing another breath to escape as a little of the tenseness went out of his spine.

"Firstly, I would like to ask if your preference is to have Hermione in the room with you, or if you would like it to be just the two of us? Your decision is not final, if you send her away and at some point need her to come back, that is absolutely fine, likewise if you'd like her to stay for now but want her to leave at a later point you can absolutely do so, your comfort here is paramount and we will work this however works best for you, do you understand?"

He nodded, taking another deep breath.

"Saying that, I would like to ask you some questions, talk to you for a bit before we do any kind of physical exam, I will try not to be to intrusive, but the questions will be personal as they are medically relevant, would you like Hermione to stay for this part or would you like her to leave the room for now?"

The thought of airing all his dirty laundry in fine detail in front of Hermione made him feel sick, but she already knew most of what had happened and somehow the thought of letting go of her hand right now felt infinitely worse, though he realised perhaps she herself wouldn't want to.

"She can stay…if she's amenable"

"Severus, if you need me I am not going anywhere. No matter what."

He nodded, he couldn't look at her, he feared if he broke eye contact with the doctor right now that he'd lose his nerve entirely, he had a small thread of occlumency but it was barely hanging on, but he squeezed Hermione's hand and took comfort in when she squeezed his back.

"I won't sugarcoat it, we both know you are here because you were assaulted, would you prefer to tell me of what happened, or would it be easier for you if I asked you a few questions that you can answer? If you need to take a break at any time you can do so, please understand this appointment can take as long or as little as you need, if you want to breeze through everything and get it over with, we will do so, if you need more time then we will take as long as you need, I have no other appointments today so you are not holding me back or keeping me from anything, so do not feel like you have to rush yourself if you need more time"

" I understand, I would prefer to answer your questions".

She smiled, and it was sad but warm, she was clearly empathic to him, but she wasn't coddling him and for that he was grateful.

"Severus, it's important that you answer questions truthfully, if there is anything you cannot answer for whatever reason, that is totally fine and understandable, I will not press you to speak of anything you do not wish to discuss but please do not lie or be untruthful in your answers, or even try to downplay anything, it's important for me to know these things, do you understand?"

It made him uncomfortable but he nodded his acquiescence , "I will answer what I can"

"That's all that I ask" She said gently and he closed his eyes, summoning what occlumency he could before he began.

oOo

For the most part, the questions were as he expected, more or less what he had told Hermione, and he was able to manage them somewhat better than he had expected. Thankfully she remained clinical and professional.

Then came a few questions that made the self-loathing raise its ugly head once more.

"We've spoken a lot of what happened while you were in Prison, but has anything happened afterwards, anything more recently since your release?"

The taste of Brandy and the smell of smoke and sweat filled his vision as he was instantly filled with nausea as he recalled that night in the Brothel.

Shame vied with the nausea until they filled him to the teeth, pushing out all other emotions until it felt like he was a being made only of those entirely.

"Severus?" Hermione questioned and he could hear the concern in her tone, in the way her other hand stroked soothing paths on his arm and suddenly he was covered in a cold sweat and the room was spinning, he couldn't get his breath, the shame was physically choking him.

He saw spots in his vision, didn't register anything beyond that as the world seemed to disappear around him and his vision went black at the edges.

oOo

"He's having a panic attack" The Doctor, Hannah, Stated as she got out of her seat.

"What should I do, Should i take off his coat or?"

"No!" Hannah said, perhaps a little too forcefully as Hermione Jumped in her seat.

"No, don't do that, sorry. Usually we would take off his coat and probably press his head between his knees but I can see he wears his clothes like armour and he's a trauma victim , I don't want to force him into any position that could have negative associations in his mind. Give me a moment, I have an idea, keep doing what you're doing"

Hermione kept stroking his arm and talking to him gently, as Severus was practically hyperventilating and going paler by the minute, trembling like a livewire under her touch.

oOo

His vision was getting fuzzy and his chest hurt and he felt sick but then he became aware of his arms being moved and then a gentle touch on his face and a familiar weight and noise had reality come screeching back to him.

He became aware of everything all at once, the soft voice of the doctor encouraging him to take a few slow deep breaths, Hermione's hands around him, one on each shoulder as she leant her strength and support, but mostly… the weight of his son in his arms, looking up at him in what could almost pass for concern.

It was his son that brought him back, and he quickly adjusted his grip on his baby as he held him closer to his chest and pressed a kiss to his forehead before taking some deep breaths, but with the air came tears, so many tears that leaked from his eyes and blurred his vision once more as he picked his son up to his shoulder and held him to his chest tightly, burying his face in his sons neck and taking in the scent of him, milk, baby powder, warmth, love, Hermione, home… to banish the memories that threatened to overtake him.

Holding his son in his arms, Hermione by his side, he felt… peace.

"I sold myself"

Hermione, bless her heart, her hand only faltered for a second before it carried on.

The Doctor looked at him, but said nothing.

"When I left prison I had nothing, no money and no way of earning anything near a decent wage because of the new restrictions. I lost my house, my possessions and I ended up in some shabby bedsit that was full of damp and mould and god knows what else. I brewed potions for a brothel, potions that prevented most diseases and pregnancy as it was all the work I could find"

He waited for the judgement but it never came, so he carried on.

"I barely could feed myself and keep a roof over my head, but then when Alexander came into my life…" he pressed his son closer, who seemingly understanding his fathers needs gurgled happily and held onto his hair.

"I knew I had to protect him, without Hermione I don't know what I would have done but, I dedicated every hour of the day to working to provide for him. I only slept or ate every other day when I was at Hermiones and I knew Alexander was safe and every other moment was spent caring for him or working… I was making a delivery to the brothel when someone… a man, saw me and…propositioned me…I…I wanted to say no but, the money he offered me for an hour, would keep me and Alexander for almost a week…so I said yes. I sold myself to him and let him do what he wanted to me, and so what if he hurt me because I was already ruined and for the first time since he was born I was able to spend the day just reading to my son. I'm not… I'm not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that, but I'm not and I…I let him…after everything they did to me, I let him hurt me and I…"

Still he waited for the judgement, waited for the disgust, but it just wasnt there and that was somehow even worse.

Hate me, please hate me as much as I hate myself , I deserve it.

He didn't realise he'd said that aloud until his words choked into a sob and he feared he might have lost grip on his son if Hermione hadn't made her way into his lap. Holding Alexander protectively between them, she pulled Severus's head to her shoulder and let him cry into her skin, as she wrapped her arms around him and Alexander both, pressing kisses and whispering assurances into his hair

When he was finally able to regain composure, Hermoine retook her seat but not without looping her arm around his in support.

He shouldered his resolve and he looked at the Doctor, who met his eyes without hesitation.

"You're an incredibly strong and brave man Severus Snape, and I haven't had the honour of meeting a more devoted father, and I am proud to know you"

He flexed his jaw, but nodded, he didn't want to let them know just how much that had meant to him.

"Do you feel like you can continue?"

"Let's get this over with '' He looked at Hermione, amber eyes showing nothing but warmth as he reached out and grabbed her hand. "Because I want to go home"