XIII – "What was her name?"
'Fuck. He's not home, is he…'
Waking up was never Asuka's favourite activity of the day – but there was a time, a relatively recent time, when the thought of seeing Shinji again and getting a nice, hot breakfast served was making it quite acceptable. Even after things soured between them considerably and they began the war that almost drove Misato crazy, even then seeing him in the morning was a good thing and an occasion for a few snaps. And the breakfasts did not stop, either. He might have been angry at her and showing it, yes, and she was not exactly holding it back, either – but it did not matter that much.
It did not matter that much since he was still there.
Not anymore. Now, even that was taken from her. He fought for her, he fought like a madman, he saved her, he saved everyone – again, she reminded herself – and then something went wrong, horribly wrong.
And now he was no longer there.
The only moments when she was fine were those few precious seconds just after waking up, just before the memories came back and the cruel reality reasserted itself – and she was alone again. 'Well, not entirely alone', she kept telling herself; 'Misato became a bit less of an ass, I give her that. Hikari… is not a bad friend. But–'
She shook her head, violently interrupting her train of thought, clenching her teeth, and forcing herself to take a few deep breaths; she was not about to start her day by crying, not again. Not when Misato knew what it looked like; she might have said nothing, but she was not blind – and while Asuka might have lost her most important emotional anchor she ever had, she was not about to give up on her dignity.
Having taken a few moments to push the anger and the pain down, she took one last deep breath and got up before any further thoughts managed to creep into her head. It was her turn to make breakfast today – and getting busy sounded like a good way to avoid sinking into that particular pit.
...
Asuka knew well that her breakfasts could not measure up to Shinji's – but this was not a reason not to try, especially if it meant that she was doing better work than Misato, every single time. 'I'm at least trying', she grumbled to herself as she finally managed to flip the somewhat-circle-shaped omelette, one of the things she learned to make so she could avoid eating toast every morning. She still had to eat it when it was Misato's turn, but it was still an improvement.
She scanned the schedule – a new sheet with TEMPORARY scribbled in red, Latin letters next to the regular, Japanese header; this was her doing, just as the fact that it was taped over the old one, not replacing it – and registered it was her turn to take out the trash and Misato's turn to make the dinner. Her stomach turned at the latter thought – she could only hope that it meant that it was going to be take-out time.
She sighed heavily; she tried not to think about food too much. The fact that she was bouncing between her own attempts at cooking, take-outs, Misato's almost successful attempts at making rat poison, and the school's cafeteria slop was quickly making her appetite wither into nothing.
"Something's wrong, Asuka?" Misato finally spoke up over her cup of coffee. "Also, I hope this pancake comes with something?"
"With whatever you put on it", Asuka barked out in response. "I suppose anything that goes on a toast, goes on an omelette, too. I'm sorry, I couldn't find time nor any avocado to make guacamole or anything that fancy, though."
Misato let out a heavy sigh and rolled her eyes. "Okay, I get it. No need to be so snappy about it", she said as she stood up and hauled a half-empty jar of marmalade from the fridge.
"Is being nice included in the requirements, now?" Asuka kept going, her tone still unpleasant. "And there's nothing wrong. Except the usual, of course. You know, that part with someone missing. Nothing important", she replied, not even trying to hide her hostility. "Ah. Yes. Enjoy the food."
Misato let out another sigh. "Asuka, I get it, you're worried. And so am I. But–"
"If you want to give me the you're a soldier, keep calm and carry on lecture, could you don't bother?" Asuka shot back. "He might be suffering there every waking second for all we know, and–"
"Will you listen?!" Misato's mix of sympathy and annoyance exploded into anger in the blink of an eye. "What else do you want to hear? That it's all a game? That NERV is messing with you to test you, and that he's waiting for you in the next room? Or that, right now, we're flying in a wizard that'll wave a wand and make him come out in an instant?" she paused, her stare still angry. "You know well that getting him out is a priority for the moment, even if it's, frankly, contrary to what the operational logic should be, since it means we're neglecting Unit-02! I'm not expecting you to be all cheerful and happy, sure, I'm not stupid, but could you please not make my life harder when I'm trying to hold my part of that mess together?"
Asuka could find no good reply to that; all that came to her were insults, and while she was angry herself, she knew Misato was at least partially right – not to mention, deserved better than just being insulted over, effectively, performing her duties. She just clenched her teeth and wordlessly returned to working on the second omelette – only to realise that it got stuck while she was focused on the argument. A low growl escaped her throat as she narrowed her eyes at it and proceeded to do her best to operate the spatula and the pan at the same time in an inept attempt to tear her breakfast-turned-annoyance free.
"And for all we know", Misato picked up after a moment of watching that struggle, "he could be as well just unconscious or asleep. The readings from Unit-01 did not change much, according to the Lieutenant. I really doubt he's suffering."
"Right", Asuka spoke in a dejected, low voice after finally managing to win that small battle and fill her plate with what was left of her attempt at making breakfast for herself. "And that should make me calm and I'm just supposed to sit and wait", she added as she dropped on the chair, her expression sour.
"Nobody's forbidding you from going to the Cages again and watching over him", Misato pointed out. "Just remember to come home in the evening and go to school… at least from time to time", she conceded with a sigh. "People may ask questions otherwise, especially if Rei's there, and you're not."
"Right", Asuka shrugged as she jabbed at the tattered food with a fork without much conviction. "So, it is carry on and hope that one day the idiot will return?"
"Listen, Asuka", Misato shook her head. "I really wish I could tell you that it'll be all right. I really do. But all I can do is hope, just as you. Neither of us has the skills to get him out, others do… and yes, Lieutenant Ibuki is doing her best, and she's not the only one working on it. Have some trust in her, okay?"
Asuka remained silent for a long while, still poking at the food. "I wish I could, really. But…" she paused for a moment and shook her head, not finishing her thought. 'I guess I said enough', she chided herself quietly. "Thanks for letting me stay with him", she added in a far lower voice – and finally started eating.
Misato did not say anything – but her small, sad smile and understanding look were enough.
...
Contrary to Asuka's worries, Shinji Ikari was not exactly suffering. He was not doing great, most certainly, mainly because he was still extremely confused and – to a certain degree – distressed. But this was more of an annoyance than actual suffering; after all, he did not feel threatened or endangered. Granted, he felt a certain kinship to that girl from a story Asuka made him read so he could understand her jokes, the one that fell down the rabbit hole. His company at the table left something to wish for in terms of paying attention to him, too. But otherwise, he felt fine. The cake was great, too.
And if he was to be honest with himself, not being in the centre of attention actually suited him right now: he was still trying to come to terms with what his mother told him about how the Evangelions worked, with all that she explained to him about what he was actually doing here, and – last but definitely not least important aspect of the entire situation – with the fact that he still had a mother. Or, perhaps, that he had a mother again.
All this was, of course, far from the first situation when he was given shocking news and forced to process it. He also sort of appreciated the fact that right now, he did not have to process all this while being forced to fight for his life or run away from a mortal threat. This was a welcome change of pace.
His mom and the other woman – no, it was "Doctor Soryu", he corrected himself, not just some other woman – have been ignoring him entirely while continuing their highly technical discussion, using terms he sometimes heard when Doctor Akagi and Lieutenant Ibuki talked, or when Doctor Akagi tried – and usually failed – to explain some nuance of the Evangelion inner workings to the less technically inclined audience.
And so, his mind worked slowly through the facts, occasionally blushing or twitching as he realised some embarrassing fact, mostly coming from the fact that he always thought he was alone in the Entry Plug, and so was not exactly controlling his thoughts. 'Great… I wonder how much Mom really saw… I'm so glad Asuka didn't try to do anything more, I'd burn right here and now if she knew', he mused with his ears burning red. 'And with Asuka being how she is, I'm sure Doctor Soryu has some opinions on me… On the other hand, she seems nice' he pondered. The obvious question arose pretty quickly: 'How someone so nice and friendly could raise someone as aggressive as Asuka?' – and he answered himself immediately. 'She didn't. Asuka lost her when she was about four, too. I really wonder how we both would be if they didn't…' he looked for a word for a moment, 'if they didn't become lost in the experiment. Different, that much is sure…'
Some movement in the bushes not far away caught his attention and interrupted his musings. He shrugged and reached for the teacup. 'This whole place was modelled after a garden, of course, there have to be some animals, right?' he decided and gave it no more thought as he tuned into the conversation that he had been ignoring all the time, right in time for Yui's attention.
"…think you're confusing the difference between modes here, Soryu. Granted, it is not impossible for the Entry Plug to generate the same entry mode as the direct Core connection, but this would not have caused the same configuration, not to mention a significant number of side effects if it happened. I believe Shinji is not absorbed, not exactly. Shinji", she turned to him. "Could you describe exactly what happened before I met you?"
Shinji nodded slowly and started to speak of his experience – from the moment he felt the anger and triumph that made him roar, through the awakening on the moss bed and ensuing confusion, to him exiting the forest. "Do you need me to go further back?" he finally asked
"No, thank you", Kyoko spoke in turn as she shook her head. "This is not very different from how I appeared here, Ikari", she pointed out. "Except for the fight, of course. But everything, including the initial confusion, feels the same."
"And I'm telling you, he is very different in how he feels to me, compared to you", Yui objected. "All I'm saying is, in the end: since he is not absorbed, I think I can push him back. I just don't know where he would end up except for outside, and not all outsides are safe."
"So, we're back to square one", Kyoko sighed and, having noticed Shinji's constantly confused expression, she turned to him. "In short, we can – most likely – show you the exit or even, as your mom says, push you out… sort of… but we don't know where this exit will lead to, exactly."
Yui spread her hands in a pretty much gesture, her facial expression matching. "I'll try to find an answer in the books, but since this is research that would be started after my Contact Experiment… I doubt I'll find much. How is your library progressing?" she turned to Kyoko again.
"A few favourite childhood books on a shelf, I'm afraid", Kyoko shook her head, her expression apologetic. "I don't have your memory palace training."
"Of course", Yui nodded with a concerned expression. "If I find nothing, then we'll have to rely on instinct… and I'm not willing to take a chance, for reasons obvious", she gave Shinji a small smile.
"But… shouldn't I end up in the Entry Plug again?" Shinji asked carefully, his brow furrowed. "Mom, didn't you say that my plugsuit is still there, holding shape?"
"It is…" Yui confirmed hesitantly, "but I'm not absolutely sure you'd end up there. To put it bluntly, you're the first person that this has ever happened to, so you'd be the first one trying to leave."
A sudden realisation flashed in Shinji's mind. "Just as you were the first to try entering, and never got out?"
Yui smiled a sad smile. "Yes… to a degree. As I said, this is a different situation, and since there is no identical precedence to draw experience, it is still a great unknown. I think you understand why I'm not willing to take risks with your life."
Kyoko's lips became a thin line as she interjected: "On the other hand, we can't keep you here forever, especially since those on the outside will try something sooner than later", she pointed out. "And we have absolutely no idea what their attempts will do. They may have more theoretical knowledge, but we have better sensory input. The problem is we can't exactly make those two things work together without tipping the NERV off… which is not an option at the moment."
"That is, regrettably, true", Yui agreed with a sigh. "Perhaps we can reduce the risks, though. I have an idea and I want to hear your opinion on it, Soryu" she started – and began her explanation.
Shinji's brow furrowed once more as both women began to discuss matters too complex for him to grasp; technically, they were still speaking Japanese, but the amount of terminology and odd interjections from German, English, and some other languages he could not even identify obscured the subject to him entirely within the first dozen sentences. As a result, his attention lapsed and his thoughts drifted away once more. 'I want to leave, I want to see Asuka, I want to see Misato-san… but… Mom is here, we just started to talk, and… I missed her so much, and now she's here!' he smiled to himself quietly. 'I wonder how long can I stay here safely… and I wonder what do they think of me outside? I'm sure they see the plugsuit, and from what Doctor Soryu says, they are trying to do something… so they didn't give up on me. I wonder how they're doing… and I really hope they won't poison Pen Pen. Misato-san might not even remember how to feed him right since I took over', he realised with growing worry. 'And I really hope Asuka is not doing anything weird about my absence… no, no, this won't happen. She's smart. She would not do anything weird. Aggressive, sure, violent, certainly, but everyone is used to that. Besides, I'm not that important to her anymore… I guess', he let out a dismayed sigh and shook his head. This train of thought was leading nowhere. 'How did Asuka put that when she tried to teach me those quotes? "That way madness lies"?' he recalled – and shook that off again. It seemed that stopping thinking about Asuka was going to be difficult.
Knowing that food was a good way to distract himself, he reached for a piece of chocolate cake – and his hand froze mid-movement.
A pair of big, red eyes set under a messy nest of blue hair was looking at him from across the table. Those were eyes he had seen before in a similar yet distinct face, a face that looked closer to his age and was framed with a much better haircut. The one he was seeing right now seemed to belong to a girl no older than nine, a girl that was giving off a very feral – if still intelligent – impression.
By itself, this situation would be a reason for some caution at worst.
Except she was also reaching for exactly the same piece of chocolate cake.
And it was the last piece of its kind left on the whole table.
Shinji Ikari had learned several ways of reacting to danger. He did not choose between them consciously, but his brain was already working on the decision on a subconscious level. This did not seem to be a matter of life and death, therefore his brain decided that flight would be absurd – he did not know the area – fighting would be ill-advised – this was not the last piece of food in general – and freezing would likely cause him to lose the cake anyway. Therefore, he chose the last option.
"Um… hello?"
A head tilt he interpreted as curiosity was mixed with a quick eye movement towards the piece of cake – and a threatening expression in the form of slightly narrowed eyes. He slowly backed up, his hand moving away from the contested object – and slowly reaching for a piece of cheesecake next to it.
The unexpected companion at the table, clearly satisfied with his reaction to her non-verbal message, grabbed the piece with an unnaturally quick move and devoured it; Shinji realised there was simply no other word that could describe her action.
Then she smiled at him with a smile resembling one a shark would smile, wider than a smile had any reason to be on the face of a human being.
At this very moment, Shinji understood that this place definitely had something to do with the world on the other side of the rabbit hole.
