Mario and Rosalina were getting married after she broke the good news of her pregnancy. Both were overjoyed since that meant they wouldn't have to be alone anymore. Invitations were quickly sent to all of their friends and loved ones. Not only were Ros's Lumas in attendance, but also Mario's slightly younger bro, Luigi came. Plus, mom, dad, and grandpa were all happy for Mario and delighted to meet Rosalina, who was also happy to see them. Tony came too. Arthur, along with his wife Marie and their daughter who was also a niece to the Mario Bros., Gia.

Also coming to the wedding: Daisy, Pauline, Yoshi, Birdo, Wario, Waluigi, Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong, Toad, Toadette, and Toadsworth. All of them were happy for Mario and Rosalina. Everyone was... Well, almost everyone.

Someone was pissed, someone who hated the very thought of Mario being happy so badly that they would go out of their way, literally take time out of their day and cancel all previous obligations to keep him miserable after the Honeylune Ridge disaster. Princess Peach was that instigator, she was branded as more likely to commit such a crime than Bowser was, considering she gave him the cold shoulder.


On the way home from the Moon Kingdom, she was annoyed with the ordeal involving Mario quarrelling with Bowser. She squeezed his neck in her fist, lifting him off his feet and dragging him inside the ship as she growled, "We're going to have a little talk."

It wasn't little, and it wasn't exactly a talk. Even when Mario desperately apologized for what happened, she didn't stop screaming inconsiderate and unkind words, causing him intense emotional pain, but she downright refused to apologize. Her rotten insults mostly involved revenge fantasies, some with Mario and Bowser being whipped and laughed at, others having their tuxedos used as toilet paper and having the resulting shit smeared all over their faces, but all involving being kicked in the balls nonstop until they were mush. Worse, she even wished all boys would just die.

To think such frustration inspired such madness. It's one thing to be frustrated with someone's actions, but on the other hand, disproportionate punishments will only worsen a situation that could have been fixed easily.

The blind rage resulted in Mario making the decision to cut ties with her forever. His heart became two frozen, black, teardrop-shaped slabs of hate. He was even angrier as he bluntly declared his intentions to leave the Mushroom Kingdom and never come back, but Peach demanded he stay, not because she was apologetic, but because she was saying that she owned him. Mario simply attacked her with two bottles of pepper spray and hurting her with more vitriolic attacks like telling her to lose everything.


His broken heart slowly healed as he spent his days doing nothing but relaxing in the Seaside Kingdom. When Rosalina paid him a surprise visit, The healing came full circle when Rosalina agreed to marry Mario after her pregnancy was confirmed.

When Peach found out about Mario and Rosalina getting married, she had basically lost her mind. Maybe jealously would be involved, but Peach didn't want Mario back. In her mind, she believed he didn't deserve happiness, she wanted him to be sad and lonely forever following the arguments had after the moon rescue mission, viewing his attempts to be free of eternal suffering as a betrayal against her and women in general. Only bitterness and hate played part in her attempt to stop the wedding, stomping her way to the church.

Again, her attitude is not because she wasn't on the altar, it was because Mario was, and her determination to render his heartbreak unfixable was certainly alarming to a lot of her friends.


The wedding took place on earth instead of Honeylune Ridge. This was because Mario didn't want to leave the planet ever again after Peach almost left him to die and acted like letting him come home with her was a huge mistake. To be exact, the location was in Bubblaine. As far as refreshments went, the Frost-Frosted Cake and Stupendous Stew were served along with Italian sparkling waters and cannolis.

Mario wore the same ensemble as last time, white tuxedo with matching pants, white top hat, white shoes, red bowtie, and the red M on his hat. Luigi wore bascially the same thing, but with a green L where the red M was supposed to be and a green bowtie. All the male family members wore tuxedos and top hats that looked like Mario's, though without the first letters of their first names. Dad's bowtie was brown, Tony's was blue, Arthur's was yellow, and grandpa's was plaid. All the female family members had Lochlady dresses and veils, courtesy of the Lochladies that tailored to fit all of them.


It took a month, but the big day was finally underway. Everyone watched eagerly with Luigi, the best man, ordering Pauline's band, "Cue the music."

A bridal chorus played as Luigi said, "Release the groom!"

However, nothing happened. Rosalina was worried, "Mario?"

Rosalina knocked on his door, but there was no answer. A minute later, she let herself in, but noticed her groom is nowhere to be seen. Horrified, she screamed, alerting Luigi, "Ros, what's going on?!"

All the bride saw was an empty room with a suspiciously opened window, making the best man wonder, "Oh jeez. Do you think he got cold feet?"

Tears welled up in Rosalina's eyes as she reasoned, "No. Mario wouldn't just leave me at the altar."

"Maybe he was... kidnapped?"

"By who?"


When he opened his eyes, all Mario saw was an empty room with gray tile walls and grayer tile floors, not like the one back in the wedding hall. There was nothing else but a window and a lightbulb that flickered on and off constantly, indicating that it was close to expiration. He shook his head as he tried to recall today. All he could think of was being his changing room, donning his tux before he abruptly smelled something and fell asleep. Mario wondered, "What's going on? What's with all the darkness? Hello? Ros? Lu? Where am I?"

*GRUNTS* *YELP*

Mario fell when he walked forward one step towards the door, which was locked tight and out of reach. He noticed something on his ankle, "What the... I'm chained up like a common bicycle!"

Grunting, Mario pulled at the chain, futilely trying to free himself, "Who would do this to me? It would have to be someone who revels in my misery- Oh, wait, I think I know who."

A deep voice came from a speaker attached to where a wall intersected with the ceiling, "You're going to be here awhile."

"Let me out, Toadstool! I have to marry Rosalina, and ditch the fake voice, you're not fooling me!"

"You're not marrying anyone or telling anyone what to do! As of now, your pathetic little life means nothing!"

"What would your friends and subjects think of this new low? What if anyone in your castle sees this?!"

"No one knows, and that is how it's gonna stay! If anyone sees and hates it, they can all eat shit! This is for a noble cause!"

""Noble cause"?! I- Oh, good lord."

"Face it: you and Bowser are birds of a feather, Caillou wannabes that are embarrassments to the world because both of you have had been pampered past the point of no return."

"What?! No! If that was true, you'd be in here."


Mario and Luigi's parents were alerted by Luigi, who panicked, "Mario is missing! Again!"

Both mom and dad were rightfully freaking out, the mother gasping, "Oh no, my boy!"

Dad lamented, "Can anyone give us a clue?"

A Bubblainian security guard who was on surveillance duty got their attention, "I can."

In the surveillance room, the guard mentioned while rewinding the footage, "I smelled something odd before everything went to black. Thankfully, I didn't miss too much with these cameras, and good thing whoever did it didn't break any of the security cameras. They are so well-hidden that I am 99% confident that it was because they didn't even notice them. Hey, I found something!"

What he found was Mario in his wedding attire, right behind him was a familiar face with familiar hair in a familiar dress. Luigi cringed, "Peach, no."

"Yes, that's her."

In the footage, Peach had a bottle of chloroform in one hand and a rag in the other. She stuffed the rag in his face to knock him out cold before hauling his unconscious body away. Rosalina growled, "Why am I not surprised She's ruining the wedding, getting her unjustified revenge!"

Mom, equally incensed, called 911, "Hello, police. I want to report a kidnapping."


Meanwhile, Mario asked, "Are you at least going to make me do some challenge to remove the chain?"

Peach roared, "NO! You're staying here until Rosalina calls off the wedding and dumps you or until you die, whichever comes last."

"That doesn't even make sense! How do I leave if I'm dead?"

"You don't, that's the neat part. Now shut up, I'm gonna activate the slowest and most painful death trap imaginable."

Suddenly, there was a loud pounding at the castle door following a cacophony of police sirens, so loud that Peach heard it from the castle basement, where she was holding Mario captive and sitting in a control room not too far away. Peach growled, "Dammit!"

The blonde pressed a button and made sure her door was locked as tightly as the one in the torture room. In the torture room, two bottom wall tiles opened like French doors. Mice came out, much to Mario's horror since there were no chairs or tables to stand on, "Oh god! Someone help!"

The wedding guests, Mario's family, and 25 police officers barged in with a battering ram. While the guests went upstairs, everyone else went downstairs. Luigi saw the torture room window, where his brother was trying to back away from the rodents. Rosalina banged on the door to the control room, yelling, "Toadstool! Open the door and give Mario back! NOW!"

Peach shrieked, "No! I hate being forced to do things I hate!"

Police used the same battering ram to break down the door, but the toxic princess had a rapid-firing gun, showing no hesitation in firing away. She aimed at Rosalina, but all the officers did everything to shield her, resulting in all of them succumbing to their bullet wounds and dying. Once they were all dead, Peach was out of ammo, so she threw the gun at Ros, who tossed it to Luigi. Peach yelled while rushing out of the control room with a frying pan, "HEY! Get away from there!"

Mom and dad tackled Peach, pulling her by her left and right ankle as she got up to keep her from walking, she hissed, "Let go of me!"

When Toadstool was about to swing the pan, the parents pulled her feet, making her whack her right knee instead, "Ow! My knee! Goddammit!"

Luigi was about to throw the gun at the window, but Peach bellowed, "Oh, you want some, bitch?!"

Toadstool tossed the pan like a frisbee as Luigi crouched in fear, but Tony karate-kicked it away, making the pan crash into and smash a stained-glass window with her likeness on it. She growled, "Goddammit, you fuckers owe me a new window!"

Tony quipped, "And you say Mario's the vain one?"

"HE IS!"

Peach tried to stop Luigi from rescuing Mario, but Arthur and Marie stood in her way and restrained her by pinning her back against the wall, causing her to yell as she kicked hard enough to release their grips, "Eat some fist!"

However, Arthur and Marie ducked, making Peach punch the wall in front of her and then howl in pain, "OW! MY FIST!"

Finally, Luigi threw the empty gun at the window to the torture room, shattering it. He then grabbed a shard, tried his hardest not be frightened out of his pants as he tiptoed across the sea of mice, and picked the lock to Mario's shackle, freeing him from his chains as Mario sighed in relief, "Took you long enough, Luigi. I'm impressed you'd put yourself through a field of vermin to save me."

As they ran away from the disease-carrying rodents, Lu said, "You saved me once, so I guess now we're even."

"Nothing can hurt us as long we're together."

The hotheaded princess declared, "Good thing I won't let you be together for long!"

Mario said to his friends and family, "Let's get out of her-"

Peach had Mario in a chokehold with her left arm, her right hand holding another shard of glass, "Gotcha, shitbag!"

With her ex in her clutches, Peach warned the group, "Don't move a muscle unless you all think Mario's lived long enough!"

Everyone said, "We don't! None of us do!"

"Too bad! If anything, he's lived too long. Same with Bowser. They're not so different after all."

Choking, Mario shot back, "Again, if... I was like him, I *gasp* wouldn't leave you alone like I did for the last several months. ACK!"

"SHUT UP! I WANT THE WEDDING CANCELLED! NOW!"

Mom scolded, "Ugh, no self-awareness whatsoever. Ever think about how you abducting my son makes you what you hate?!"

A look of surprise slowly surfaced on Peach's face as Luigi reasoned, "We get it. He made a mistake, but he can only fix the problem if you let him."

Dad reprimanded, "The fact that you insisted on being stubborn makes Mario more in the right to leave you. We don't associate with toxic things."

Rosalina contributed to urging Peach to reconsider as the blonde's face slowly looked remorseful, "Mario had made it vow to never repeat the same mistake. He's not a chauvinist, he's just a little impulsive at times, but you should let one little flaw mark and generalize him for life."

Lu added, "Everyone just wants to love and be loved by someone. Marriage isn't a loss of your rights or a transition to a submissive puppet, it's two people just wanting to not be alone."

Ros finished with, "It's possible to be strong and independent while still having a partner for you to support and have support you. Trust me. It's for the best if you just let Mario go, he just wants to be happy. I want to be happy too."

Tears in her eyes, Peach looked at Rosalina, saying as heartwarming music was swelling, "Rosalina? Are you and everyone else really telling me... *glares* that you have no intention of listening to me?!"

Yikes. If there was heartwarming music, it would abruptly stop and maybe be followed by a record scratch. Peach ranted at the other princess, "I'm no one's puppet, too bad I can't say the same for you!"

Just as Peach was about to slit Mario's throat, she then proceeded to deliver a taunting monologue, "Maybe once I kill Mario, I'll make all of you immortal so that he will have no choice to be all alone in hell for a million eternities. That way, your family will be permanently broken with no possibility of being whole ever again."

Everyone gasped in horror, Luigi being the most horrified, "Oh, god! That's even worse than just killing us all!"

"I know, right?! Then maybe I'll head to Hollywood and fix movie and TV franchises affiliated with New York or Italy or both. Maybe I'll make the animals in "Madagascar" all females. Maybe I'll turn "The Godfather" into "The Godmother". I mean, come on, people like Halle Bailey or Rachel Zegler have the right idea by abhorring relationships of any kind. Maybe I'll have all the boys in "Luca" be girls. Maybe I'll even make all-female versions of "Pinocchio".

Gia, the little girl who was usually emotionless and checking her phone, suddenly looked up and looked startled as she recalled what Peach said, "Maybe I'll even make all-female versions of "Pi...no...cchi...o".

There would be close-up of Peach's mouth at the end of that sentence with the audio slowed down and distorted. Threatening to vandalize Pinocchio, her favorite movie icon (and the favorite icon of the Mario Bros. and the family), was not something she took lightly. It takes a lot to get someone like her riled up, but Peach's intentions pushed her to the limit.

Dropping the phone, Gia balled up her fists, growling. She ran up to Peach, jumping super high and lunging at the no-longer-sweet princess, screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

Peach was caught off-guard by the niece, who tackled her. Mario was freed as Toadstool fell backwards, banging the back of her head against the wall and falling on her face.

With the pink princess lying down in pain, grandpa held down her head with his walker, mom and dad held down her left arm, Tony held down her back, Arthur and Marie held down her legs, and Luigi held out her right hand and arm. Gia smirked while playing "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus on her phone. Mario had a Toad Guard's axe that was lying around, he bluntly declared, "I'm gonna cut off your right hand. The hand you used to choke me back on my ship, the hand you used to viciously point at me as you spewed hurtful things made me cry, I'm finally gonna get my sweet revenge."

That made Peach frozen with fear, "No! I forbid it!"

"In your words, too bad."

"What about your family? Don't they condemn bloody acts of vengeance?"

Dad said, "Just this once, we're making an exception."

"Mario, you better not! Bad... fucking... boy!"

Narrowing his eyes, he muttered, "You're goddamn right."

Finally, Mario swung the axe, cutting off her right hand. Then Mario picked up the severed hand and bit off all the fingers before throwing it on the ground and stomping on it, all while Peach screamed in pain and terror.

Before they left, Mario fed the amputated hand to the mice.

Finally, Mario and company exited Peach's castle in a super cool slo-mo V formation. From left to right: Tony, grandpa, dad, Rosalina, Mario, Luigi, mom, Arthur, Marie, and Gia, the latter still playing "Wrecking Ball" as they made their exit.


Hours later, the wedding was officially starting. Mario began his vows. "Rosalina, I hope to never repeat the drama that destroyed my relationship with you-know-who. I don't want to anger you and make you want to freak out with insults and death threats. I love you, I love Lu and mom and dad and all my other relatives and buddies. Hell, even Wario and Waluigi are tolerable compared to the heartbreaker whose name I never want to say again."

Rosalina said, "Mario, I don't want awkward tension either, not any more than you do. My vow is to keep my temper under control and never break your heart. If I have a problem, I'll be calm about it. There's good in everyone, and everybody can learn from their mistakes. I love you too, and I want things to be stable between us."

All the guests said with the Luma being the most overjoyed, "Aww..."

After kissing Ros, Mario looked to the Lumas, cheering as he held his arms open wide, "Call me daddy!"

With that, the Lumas eagerly flew to their new father, crying, "Daddy!"


Back at Peach's castle, Toadsworth called an ambulance to collect all the dead cops that Peach shot to death. He was pretty mad as he railed at the princess, "25 dead officers, kidnapping Mario behind our backs, Jesus Christ! What do you have to say for yourself, Toadstool?!"

Still on the ground and in pain from losing her hand, Peach whimpered, "I didn't mean for the situation to escalate like this. All I ever wanted was the annihilation of Mario's hubris. Please understand why I was in the right to be excessively harsh. The world must see why... I had to betray him."

"Oh, that reminds me. Mario wanted me to leave you this note, he said it was just in case you still wanted to play the victim."

The note from Mario read, "You didn't betray me. You betrayed... yourself."

Suddenly, Peach was picked up by FBI agents that Mario contacted shortly after his departure, who said, "You're under arrest for kidnapping, attempted murder, murder, extortion, and torture."

Peach begged, "Toadsworth, help me!"

Too disappointed to even consider, Toadsworth turned his back to her with the words, "Help yourself, Peach. Goodbye."