Based on characters and a setting conceived by fellow Final Fantasy fanfiction writer WhiteFangofWhoa (RIP)
Somewhere in Echelon 1…
The only obstacle currently getting in the way of Ramuh's grand plan to liberate the world of Arkariya was that he had accidentally reincarnated himself into it as a chocobo.
Already he could feel the base impulses of this dumb animal body yanking at his consciousness like a leaden weight threatening to drag him down into stupidity.
The feel of his now enormous backside and its powerful sensation of needing to shit; the irritation against his arms—no, they were wings now—as a multitude of other chocobos pushed up against him in whatever muddy Wardens-forsaken stable he had accidentally reincarnated himself into; the stench of chocobo effluence filling his no…wait, beak.
And what was that burning desire in his belly? A desperate, ravenous craving for…birdseed?
Ramuh tried to say 'Goddamnit' but all that came out was "Caw."
He wrenched his mind away from its new concerns and tried to think back over the reincarnation spell he had performed.
He had done everything perfectly, as far as he could remember:
Far atop the snowy summit of Mount Celestia he had waited until the sun had reached its zenith, its bright rays lancing down through the azure sky and catching the dancing snowflake crystals so that the air had shimmered.
He had spoken the words of the spell exactly right—all six-hundred-and-fifty-two of them, remembered perfectly according to his immaculate memory which never failed him—all the way from fithos at the start to descende at the end.
He had performed every step of the ritual dance perfectly too, precisely as they were recorded in the ancient Scroll of Reincarnation he had jealously guarded from the other Wardens, from the first raising of his arms to the thrusting of his staff to the more elaborate flourishes—even the five-and-a-half turn pirouette which he had taken so much care to get just right in practice. Eru knew he had practiced the whole routine enough times.
And lastly but by no means of least importance, he had had every physical element for the spell present and correct, from the blazing blue magic triangle etched in the snow with rune-chalk to the censer of frankincense, phoenix down feather and stoppered bottle of elixir he had placed at each of its three points. He had done everything perfectly.
'So why am I here, in this stinking stable?' he tried to say, but all that came out was "Caw."
Just then the chocobo standing immediately in front of him, a disheveled blue-feather, defecated, an avalanche of black and brown droppings pouring out of its backside inches away from Ramuh's new face. Some of it spattered on his wiry legs and clawed feet. For some reason this set off Ramuh's own defecation reflex, and he felt his bird bowels contract as his own flood of feces ejected from his backside behind him.
He wanted to cry—a rare occurrence. How could this have happened? He must have performed a part of the spell incorrectly. But no, that was impossible. He was a Warden; he had played a part in the very creation of Arkariya. And he was not just any Warden but the wisest among all the wardens. It was unthinkable that he could have performed any part of the spell incorrectly, especially when he had practiced it so many times over.
Interference.
Something or someone must have interfered with his spell to alter its outcome.
It was the only logical explanation. He had meant to reincarnate as a young, handsome, wealthy male Archmage in Echelon 10, from where he could set about putting his plan into action. Not as a filthy, foul-smelling yellow(ish) chocobo in…well, wherever this was.
This body was far worse than his Warden body. He hadn't reincarnated, he realised. He had deincarnated.
Only external interference with his spell ritual could have made it go so drastically off course.
But what, or who, could be powerful enough to interfere with the spell ritual of a supreme Warden, and why would they do such a thing?
He needed to find out. And Goddamnit, especially now that his intestines had been recently evacuated, he really needed to find some birdseed.
Ramuh looked about. All around him were myriad other chocobos, some the same dirty-banana-yellow as himself, others blue, red, green, pink, purple, all the colours of the Arkariyan rainbow jostling and pecking and defecating and cawing. He couldn't even see the perimeter of the stable.
An idea came to him, but even as it did so his chocobo-heart sank with the fast-following expectation that it would not work:
He recited the incantation for 'Teleport' with his mind, but all that came out of his beak was…
…"Caw."
Nothing else happened.
It would appear that he still needed to actually speak the words in order to cast magic.
No magic! Chocobo-sweat began to drip down his long neck and his heart beat faster in his feathered breast. How was he going to do anything without magic?
Alright, think, Ramuh, think. At least I can still think; that hasn't been taken away from me—that's how I know I'm still me, Ramuh, even if I am now imprisoned in the body of this filthy disgusting chocobo. I think therefore I am. I'm really a Warden, not a chocobo, so I can surely use my wits to get out of this situation. Caw. Oh no! Now I'm 'Caw'ing in my inner monologue as well!
Ramuh wracked his brain, or at least his mind. He wasn't quite clear on how it was interacting with his new chocobo brain at the moment. Even though spell-casting wasn't working, if he could still think then perhaps he could still communicate telepathically with other nearby thinking creatures, as he could before.
With a shake of his head he got the attention of the nearest neighboring chocobo—the blue who had partly defecated on him—and made eye contact with it.
Two beady black bird-eyes looked into his own, and in their irises Ramuh saw his own new avian face looking back at himself.
Excuse me, Ramuh projected with his thoughts, but I'm not actually a chocobo at all. I'm a semi-divine being who has reincarnated himself here by accident. Please might you be so kind as to tell me where I am?
The blue chocobo stared at him for a moment, transfixed. Then, eventually, it tilted its head to one side and said "Caw?" At the same time, with his attention on the creature and the mind-link established, Ramuh heard a translation of its thoughts in a slightly high-pitched chocobo voice inside his head say "Sex?"
He recoiled at once. Urgh! No! What type of chocobo had he reincarnated as anyway? A boy chocobo, a girl chocobo, or something else? Did chocobos even have genders?
No, I am not trying to proposition you for coitus, you revolting beast! he projected at the animal. I am merely trying politely to ascertain the whereabouts of my current location!
But it was no use—the creature clearly didn't understand him. Instead of replying, it merely tilted its head onto the other side and said "Caw?" which this time Ramuh understood to mean "Food?"
Ramuh turned away from the animal. There would be no help there. But he had discovered two things, at least: One, that his telepathic projection still worked, and two, that when he was concentrating on another being he could open a mind-link to understand its thoughts. Were all chocobos as stupid as this blue chocobo that had defecated on his feet, or just that one? He must find out.
He began to barge his way through the multicoloured sea of chocobos, fixing different of them in turn with his telepathy and asking if they could help him. But all he got each time was at the most more beady-eyed confusion and puzzled enquiries as to whether he was seeking "Sex?" or demonstrating a path to "Food?" or on one occasion a question as to whether he was seeking to engage in a "Fight?"
When he was asked by one particular pink chocobo if he was interested in "Sex?" and he felt something in the region of his lower stomach-fathers threatening to grow and was momentarily overcome by a tremendous urge to mount it, panic gripped the Warden-part of his consciousness and he fled as quickly as he could, shoving past several other chocobos in a flurry of feathers.
Male, I'm definitely in a male chocobo body! If he stayed in this body too long, would the chocobo nature eventually take over? He could already feel his thoughts becoming slower, less complex, and turning more and more to base chocobo preoccupations like birdseed, and sleeping, and…
He had to get out of here, out of this body!
Panic rising, he dashed about the stable looking for a gate, no longer questioning any of his fellow chocobos but careering and crashing into and charging past them in his hysteria and leaving a trail of loose feathers and angry "Caws" in his wake.
Just how big was this stable? And why were there so many chocobos crammed together in it in such claustrophobic conditions?! It was inhumane! Could you even apply the word 'inhumane' to animals? It was inanimalane! It was inchocobane!
Everywhere the stench of chocobo shit, and the droppings all over the floor, and a new backside or beady-eyed face every which way he turned! Did the stench and the closeness not bother the others? Was it his chocobo senses that were offended by them, or his inner Warden nature? Did he even still have and 'inner Warden nature'?
Too many questions. He was becoming increasingly manic, crashing around into among the colourful birds without hope or direction, and he feared he was doomed to remain trapped in this wardens-forsaken chocobo stable in this stupid, hungry, horny chocobo body forever.
A glimmer of light caught his eye. He looked again, extending his neck, and now hope did stir once more in his chocobo-chest.
There in the far distance, just visible through the endlessly shifting sea of moronically ambling chocobo heads, was a fence—a crisscrossed lattice of metal that filled the vertical plane in one direction. He had not noticed it before because this enclosure was so vast and it was so dark and dingy in here, the only faint light coming from some weak electric strip lights built into the ceiling.
If there was a perimeter to this enclosure, there must be herders. Ramuh immediately set out for the fence, steadily forcing his way through the chocobo throng, from time to time sticking his head up to check that he was still going the right way.
When at last he reached the fence he was surprised to see that all of the other chocobos avoided it, keeping a good foot of distance between it and themselves, leaving the only extended area of empty floor in the whole enclosure that Ramuh had seen, though it was still littered with droppings.
He stuck his head through one of the lattice squares to look beyond it and at once received a violent shock to his whole body which made him spring back with a "Caw!" and knock into another chocobo behind him.
The fence was electric too. This wasn't a stable or an enclosure at all, he realized, but a pen. Maybe some sort of holding pen for particularly stupid or badly behaved chocobos? But there were so many of them…
Footsteps, then, echoing beyond the fence. Someone walking towards him. A human! At last!
The figure came right up close to the fence, and the footsteps ceased. There was a clinking noise and a small square of the fence swung back to reveal a man in dirty gray overalls with a slack-jawed expression on his unshaven face.
"Right, ya stupid birds," said the man, "I don't know what's gotten ya all worked up today, but here's some feed to shut ya up. Guess we need to keep ya alive long enough to kill ya when y're good and ready."
The man flung out a hand and a rain of small pellets showered over the chocobos, those that weren't immediately gobbled up out of the air landing on them and between them.
Birdseed! Ramuh's chocobo mind thought, and he had such an urge to get his head down and peck at it that he nearly did, but his Warden-mind thought 'Kill ya'?!
As the man continued to throw more seed, Ramuh forced himself by sheer strength of will to resist the desire to eat, and approached the man, taking care not to touch the fence again.
He got right in front of the man and fixed him with his eyes. The man looked down and scowled. "What's ya problem, yellow? Why ain't ya eating like the others?"
I'm awfully sorry, Ramuh said with his telepathy, but there's been a terrible mistake.
The man shrieked with surprise, voice jumping several octaves, jumped about a foot in the air and accidentally threw the remaining birdseed into the pen, where a rush of chocobos instantly collected to compete for it.
Please don't be alarmed, Ramuh followed up with. My name is Ramuh, and I am a Warden of Arkariya. I have accidentally reincarnated myself into the body of this chocobo and I am seeking a way out. Please might you be able to assist me by letting me out of this pen?
The man stared at him for a few moments, jaw now so slack it hung completely open. He didn't say anything, but Ramuh heard his thoughts loud and clear: "What did I smoke last night? I must still be high. That or this bird's been possessed by some sorta demon. Well I know what ta do about that. Can't be having the boss man finding out…" With that thought, he took up a long stick that he had lent again the fence, no doubt to unlock something to let Ramuh out.
Thank you so much, said Ramuh I very much appreciate your assistance, mortal.
The man jabbed the stick into the pen and white-hot shock stabbed through Ramuh.
"Caaaaa!" he heard himself scream through his beak. Pain! So much pain! He had sprung back involuntarily. His feathers sizzled.
What are you doing?! I thought you were going to help me!
"Damn it," said the man with a frown. "That should'a fried you in one touch. Must notta made contact properly. Come here, demon-bird!"
He jabbed the chocobo-prod at Ramuh again, but the Warden jumped backwards, crashing into the collection of chocobos that had gathered to eat the scattered birdseed, and in the commotion of flapping wings and angry cawing he ran away from the human herder on instinct, getting as far away from him in the pen as he could manage, dashing between the feeding chocobos, then got his head down and started pecking at the birdseed himself.
The chocobo part of him delighted in its salty, moreish substance even as the warden part of him was revolted by what he was doing.
That man wasn't trying to help me at all, he thought as he filled his stomach with seed. He was trying to kill me! He should have known better than to trust the human. He had heard the stories, but he hadn't realized just quite how bad they had gotten.
As his chocobo-body ate mindlessly to the elusive point of satiation, his Warden-mind whirred. This whole plan had gone horribly, horribly wrong. Someone had interfered with the spell and condemned him to this nightmare. He was trapped in the body of this chocobo, which was in turn trapped inside this horrific pen. He had to find a way to get out of here, and he had no idea how he was going to do it.
Ramuh kept his head down to avoid detection, ate some more delicious-disgusting birdseed, and started trying to think of another way to escape.
