Chapter 1: Purpose


He couldn't believe it.

He couldn't believe anything that he was seeing around him.

It felt surreal, as if it were some kind of nonsensical dream that slowly lost its sense. A nightmare that would never end. This past week felt something like that. He had refuted Armin's conclusion of Annie being the Female Titan, finding it impossible to believe. Hell, he found it impossible for any human to be attacking him.

'I'm fighting to save humanity from the titans, why would someone, especially Annie, do this?' he remembered shouting at Armin for actually thinking that Annie would try to do this to him. He felt she was his friend. A comrade.

When he helped in the Operation to rescue the stranded Survey Corps members trapped within the Castle, he had also been aware of Armin's theory of Reiner having a secret akin to Annie's. And he also refused to believe it. He refused to believe that the boy who helped him, motivated him, inspired him, the boy whom Eren looked up to as a big brother, to be the one who caused the fall of Wall Maria five years ago. But once again, Armin was right, and Eren was wrong, with Reiner's subsequent confession of him and Bertholdt being the ones who were responsible for Wall Maria's fall and following slaughter.

When Annie and Reiner revealed themselves as the enemies of humanity, Eren felt pain and anger at their betrayal. But he still accepted without any issue that it was a concrete fact that couldn't be altered. That acceptance gave him the will and the anger to transform to fight back.

But this felt different.

He wasn't sure if it was as a result from the culmination of everything that had happened over the last couple of days, or if it was the fact that he was watching Hannes being devoured and he couldn't shift into his Titan that made him feel like this was all some unrealistic scenery.

He felt confusion for a few seconds that felt like minutes. He felt that it made no sense, it had no logic. He should have transformed, he should have punched the head off the Titan, he should have saved Hannes from his fate. But that wasn't what happened, none of it did.

The grass surrounding him was stained with blood. Blood from both the Titans and the humans who sacrificed themselves to save him. To protect him.

And he couldn't protect them in return.

He couldn't protect Hannes.

A small exhale broke his silence, his vision becoming blurry as his knees gave in, falling on to them. He stared into the ground, hearing the titan's chewing and grunting noises up ahead.

A choked cry escaped his lips. Shortly followed by another. And another. Then it all shattered, like a falling glass vase. All the emotions came back to him, jumbled into an unrecognizable amalgamation, snapping him out of his confused stupor. Anger, fear, betrayal, sadness. They all slammed into him like a sledgehammer.

Tears were falling down and dripped into the blood-stained grass as he screamed.

The world felt like it was ending, collapsing around him, his feelings swirling around them, but there was one feeling that topped the others, one feeling that made him feel like this.

Self-hatred.

"Nothing changed!" He choked out.

"You haven't changed one goddamn bit!". He exclaimed.

"You're still-YOU'RE STILL USELESS AS YOU EVER WERE, GODDAMMIT!" He screamed as he coughed, he lifted his head up to see the Titan still eating Hannes.

"Nothing's changed." He whispered.

"They all died, and I couldn't even fight."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I failed you, all of you. I still can't do anything. I'm just some worthless little brat."

"Eren." Another voice spoke.

He felt a touch in his back. He turned around next to him.

'Mikasa' Eren realized. She was still next to him. She broke her ribs from a Titan attack. She was looking at him with a hurt look, her face being also strewn with tears.

"Eren… please. Stop. That isn't- it's not true." she whispered as she reached out to hold his shoulder. Eren looked at her. Mikasa opened her mouth to say something, but no words came out. She lowered her head slightly, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Thank you." She finally spoke after a few moments.

"Wh-what?" Eren whispered.

"I've been meaning to tell you that." She responded.

"For fighting, for always standing by me. Thank you." She explained.

"Thank you, for pushing through, for showing me how to live with purpose." She spoke. Eren's eyes widened.

'A purpose. I brought you purpose?' Eren thought as he looked at her charcoal eyes.

As if Mikasa somehow read Eren's mind, she nodded slightly.

"Yes, I'm grateful." She spoke as she held her red scarf while looking at him in the eyes.

"My scarf, for always wrapping it around me." She got closer to him

"Thank you." She whispered, a soft smile on her face.

Everything went silent in Eren's mind. Her words shocked him. The only thing he could feel was his own heartbeat. Everything in his mind, all the confusion, anger, shame, it all vanished. The only thing that was left in him was confusion, confusion at her words. All this time, ever since that day he met her, he never really bothered thinking too hard to understand Mikasa, to understand why Mikasa always worried about him, cared about him so much, he just assumed that was how she was. He never realized why she truly was like that. But that wasn't the only thing that confused him either. He didn't understand why Mikasa was saying all this, why she was saying this at that moment.

'Mikasa why are you saying all this at this moment, when everything's going to hell, why can't you wait, maybe when we get another… another… as if she couldn't wait a bit longer to get… out of… here…' Eren stopped thinking as confusion suddenly gave way to understanding as it all dawned upon him.

His heart broke. He finally understood what Mikasa was trying to convey. He felt tears of sorrow well up once more in his eyes. He never thought that he would have to live to see this day, he hoped he didn't. He realized it. Mikasa was biding him a farewell, she was saying goodbye to him. For the last time.

She was accepting that there was nothing else left to do, she was accepting her end.

Her death.

Eren slowly looked around at all the soldiers fighting the titans. The way they were spinning around in the air with their 3DMG, the way they charged the Titans, screaming with everything they had.

He wondered if they all had also accepted that they weren't going to leave this battle alive. That answer quickly answered itself for Eren. He could see in their faces that many of them still hadn't accepted defeat, that they expected to return home with Eren safe, to their friends, their families. They weren't expecting death. They shouldn't have to be.

Eren felt it was so unfair. It was so unfair that he was accepting his own demise when there's others out there who aren't expecting death. It was unfair to Mikasa and everyone who had accepted that they were going to die here because of how hopeless everything looked thanks to Eren's futility. It was unfair to all the people who sacrificed themselves for him. The soldiers who laid their lives in the Battle of Trost, the Scouts that Annie slaughtered in the Expedition, the Scouts who were killed in Annie's rampage across Stohess District. It would be unfair to them.

That they died a meaningless death, a death that had no purpose.

Eren felt disgust.

It angered him,

It disgusted him how so many were dying for one person, for a person who couldn't even use their power at a time of need to save them all.

It disgusted him how Humanity was betrayed by their own.

It disgusted him how everyone was dying for nothing, it all felt like some sick dark joke.

He knew that he could either sit down and watch as the titans devoured everyone, or stand up and fight.

Fight for everyone, for a chance to hear Armin's facts, for a chance to hear how Sasha stole some food again, to hear Jean's random quotes of wisdom when he wasn't being annoying, to be able to wrap Mikasa's scarf around her once more.

For a chance to avenge her. His mom.

All of that sounded trivial, but to Eren, it wasn't anything trivial. It was the purpose that Eren had, the sole purpose that he gave himself, the purpose that gave him the strength to fight Annie in Stohess even after being impaled in different parts of his body, buried underneath tons of rubble. It gave him the anger, the strength to accept that Reiner was his enemy, and to transform to fight him.

He felt something in his Brain click, he felt the fear leaving his body, shivering away. He felt a feeling. He couldn't describe it. It all happened so fast. He closed his eyes and wiped the tears off his face as he stood up, and he looked at the Smiling Titan, who was already beginning to kneel down and reach out towards the duo with a grotesque hand.

"I'll wrap that scarf around you, as many times as you want." Eren stated, his eyes unwavering with determination.

"Now and forever. As many times as you want!" He snarled. Turning back to the Titan, he tightened his right hand into a fist.

He wasn't going to die here, he didn't plan on dying here. It wasn't an option. Failing humanity wasn't an option. It wasn't if he would fight and die fighting or sit and die doing nothing; no it wasn't that. There was no "or".

'I-I, this is, this is, I won't die! I'll be damned if I survived all this that's happened to me, being betrayed by those bastards, having the wall breached, only to die to you, to some goddamn mindless Titan. You- you don't deserve that satisfaction, you don't deserve anything, you don't deserve to live, you don't deserve to exist! You're just as horrible, as pathetic, as him, as Reiner! All of you Titans are!' Eren thought in his mind as he raised his fist.

'I will fight, because I was born into this world, because living is my birthright. It's everyone's birthright, and I won't take it from them just because of my selfishness. I will fight, and I will kill every last one of you, you don't deserve anything. I won't let you take anyone else!" Eren snarled as he cocked his hand back.

'Fight, if they hit you, you hit back harder. Fight!

'FIGHT!'

Swinging with as much strength that he could muster, he screamed in rage, rage against this destiny, rage for everyone's sacrifice for him, rage against this cruel world. Watching all these soldiers, dedicating and giving their lives to ensure his safety, it enraged him. Their deaths weren't in vain, they had a purpose, a meaning. Eren was sure of it. And he would be sure to make that statement true.

The moment his fist made contact with the palm of the Titan, he felt a surge. He felt a rush of something starting from his spine and travelling all the way throughout his body. It felt as if his body jumped out from underneath his skin. He felt as if he could bring down this Titan, he felt something inside of him gnawing to awaken, but just like that, everything went dark. It wasn't as if the world around him slowly faded out of existence, no, it was more like someone snuffed out a candle, enshrouded the entire world in instant darkness.

Eren lost the feeling of the Titan's palm, vanishing along with everything else. He couldn't feel his body, nor could he see anything around him, the surge in him vanishing. Anger turned to confusion as panic washed over him as he realized he was suspended in a realm devoid of all physical sensations and light, he couldn't even feel a ground underneath his feet.

"Wh-what the?" His voice echoed throughout the void

"Hey!" Feeling lost and disoriented, Eren called out, but his voice seemed to echo endlessly in the emptiness. He tried to move, but his attempts were futile, as if he were a mere consciousness adrift in an endless sea of nothingness. He couldn't even feel his own limbs moving anymore.

Panicking, Eren tried to make sense of his surroundings. The darkness was suffocating, it wasn't helping that he couldn't feel anything, and he felt as if he was floating in an infinite expanse of nothingness.

"Mikasa?!" He called out once more, but his voice seemed to disappear into the void without a trace. Fear began to take hold of him, and he wondered if he would be trapped in this darkness forever.

'What happened? What the hell just happened? I felt something, like a surge of energy rushing inside my body the moment I hit that damn titan.' Eren wondered in his mind.

Then, it all broke.

Eren noted a small glimmer of something from the corner of his eye. He initially thought it was his eyes playing a trick on him, until he squinted harder at it. It was a speck of light coming from what seemed to be miles away from him, dissipating the the once-entirely dark void he had found himself in. He noticed that the speck wasn't moving around, but rather, it was growing larger, the darkness around it receding, like a solitary star in a midnight sky, a shimmering beacon of hope amidst the vast abyss of uncertainty that Eren currently found himself in. As the seconds ticked by, the small speck of light grew larger and brighter. The light was far away, yet it seemed to be moving closer, like a distant beacon calling out to him. That's when he realized that the speck wasn't growing bigger; it was actually coming towards him. His feelings were confused.

Its glow was gentle, casting warm rays that lifted Eren's hopes. The closer it got, the more curious he became, his fear slowly replaced by a newfound fascination. He stood still, waiting for the approaching light to reveal its true nature.

Suddenly, just before it reached him, the small dot of light expanded rapidly, morphing into a swirling funnel of soft light. It whizzed past him, with more lively colors soon arriving and overtaking the soft lights striking throughtout Eren's view, cocooning him in a kaleidoscope of hues he had never seen before. He turned around behind him to look at where did the streaks of light go, only to see that they had gone so far that all he could see were just the colors. His senses were overwhelmed with a symphony of brilliant shades, each dancing and twirling around him like playful fireflies. The colors were not static; they seemed alive, pulsating with energy and emotion. It was as if they carried the essence of life itself, filling Eren's heart with a sense of wonder and awe.

The darkness that had once trapped him was now the backdrop for this mesmerizing spectacle of living colors. With each passing moment, the colors intensified, swirling and intertwining with each other, creating intricate patterns that seemed to hold secrets of the universe. Eren's worries and fears melted away, replaced by a sense of curiosity and desire to know what was happening. He slowly reached out towards the wall of the funnel. He could feel the palpable aura in his hand.

His eyes widened, the colors reflecting off them, as he touched it.

He gasped.