For The Heart I Once Had

Disclaimers: I don't own anything except a copy set of the books/DVD's & the colouring books.

AN: This is for Bellemedusa (on AO3) who gave me a Wolfstar pic (NOT shown here, AO3 only) that inspired this story & for BareWithMeHoney (on AO3) who also loves Wolfstar. Also for sliebman10 (on AO3) who writes Wolfstar as well.


Summary: Sirius has had feelings for Remus for a while. But then 'the incident' happens & now Sirius has been cast out of the pack. Will he ever get his werewolf back?


(1) Truth Or Dare

(Note: Sirius says something not quite true about teenagers, but bare in mind the era of the Marauders late 1960's/1970's. Asexuality was not as well known back then. Also despite the end of this chapter, yes this will be a slow burn. This is just before the canon scene of 'the incident' which will set them back.)

SPLASH!

"Oh, come on!" James groaned. "It's COLD!" He pulled off his cloak & shook it out.

Sirius, Peter & Remus were in a similar state. All three were now attempting drying charms. Remus bared his teeth, fangs tiny in human form, clenched as he growled loudly down the hall.

"Easy!" Peter put a hand over the werewolf's mouth. "What if someone walks in on us?"

"At this point, I don't care!" Remus snapped after pulling away. "I wonder if Poltergeists can suffer werewolf bites?" He took a step as if to go after the fleeing giggling spectral menace.

Sirius grabbed Remus on the shoulder to haul him back, ignoring the second growl now directed at him. "Watch it, moon mutt. I can do that too!" He instantly bared his own fangs provided to him by Padfoot. Unlike Remus however, Sirius could completely retract the dog's teeth at will. "Why don't you ask your Dad about it?"

"It's Papa's fault we're in this mess in the first place," Remus complained, delicately brushing his robes into place as he walked away. Over his shoulder he added, "Also, Padfoot slobbers a lot more than Moony."

"Does not," Sirius grumbled as he followed. "I vote we skip this & just fail the test, already."

"We can't," Remus said, leading the other three out into the main corridors. "Papa says it will be part of our OWL's in a couple of months."

"Who made him the next Dark Arts Professor?" James grumbled.

"Dumbledore," Remus pointed out the obvious. "Look, we just have to come up with a better strategy to catch that thing. Don't glare at me." His eyes roamed over his three pack members. "Be grateful it's this & not Lethifolds. I talked him out of that."

"Whatever," James ran a hand through his hair, feeling a few points of his antlers slightly out to make his hair messy. He always did that when 'she' was in his sights. "Hey Evans!" He smiled wide. "Want to go to Hogsmeade next weekend?"

"Yes, but not with you," Lily replied as she flounced away with a few of her girlfriends.

"Alright, see ya there," James said.

Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose as he laughed. "You're a bloody idiot. I wouldn't date you, either & I happen to like guys."

"Padfoot. Honey? Sweetheart?" James looked at him. "You like anything that moves."

"Except you," Sirius said, laughing harder.

James shot him a dark look before turning back to Remus. "Moony. Please. Talk to Professor Lupin, again."

"I'll try," Remus gave up.

"Too bad," James turned back to Sirius with a shrug. "I bet we would be wild in bed together. Your loss."

"WHAT?" Sirius gawked at his cousin, several times removed. "Wait. Do you really ... want to ... with me?"

"I just wanted to see your face," James burst out laughing. "But no, not if you were the last one on Earth. I'm waiting for Evans."

"Good luck with that," Sirius grumbled.

Remus groaned loudly. "You lot are a hopeless mess." He walked away to find his father, ignoring glares from his packmates.

But John Lyall Lupin wouldn't budge. All students in his class had been given the task of trying to catch Peeves & to hand in the crazy spook along with a three foot roll of parchment on how they did it at the end of the month in two weeks time. The marks would go towards the OWL's the next month.

"I hate your Dad, Ray," Peter complained one evening as the four of them sat on a long forgotten balcony high behind Gryffindor's Tower. An empty can of butter beer was on the floor of the balcony while the four of them clustered around it. Peter spun the can & the top eventually pointed to James.

"Me again!" James whined. "That's the sixth time in a row."

"Truth or Dare," Peter said, ignoring the eye roll.

"I swear you're charming this thing to pick me all the time, Wormtail," James said instead.

"Truth or Dare?" Peter was not to be distracted.

"Fine. Truth."

"What did you steal from the shops during the Hogsmeade trip on the weekend?"

"A bottle of Firewhiskey."

"Ohh!" Sirius & Remus both cooed in unison.

"I didn't know it was that?" Remus added.

"I figured we could all try it after the final Quidditch match," James said. He placed a hand on the can & shared a silent look with Peter who nodded quick & discreet. The pair of them had planned this for a while. James quickly winked back before spinning the can.

It pointed at Sirius. "About time," Sirius said. "My first turn. Uh ... Dare."

James shared another conspiratory look with Peter before saying, "I dare you to French kiss Remus."

"What?" Sirius yelped way too quickly as Remus stared half-shocked, half-amused.

There it was. The blush. Even in the darkness, lit only by a singular torch on the side, it was clear that Sirius had suddenly become unusually shy & bashful. It had been apparent to James & Peter for a while that Sirius might have developed something for their werewolf. Even Remus had once said to James that he also might have feelings for Sirius. But they had all been dancing around the issue since mid fourth year.

So James & Peter had engineered this little game to set them up & see. Would Sirius do it or would he lose the game?

"Well," James said. "You don't have to take the Dare, of course. But you're out of the game if you don't. Up to you."

"Come on, Paddy," Remus said. "You really don't want to lose to these idiots, do you?"

"HEY!" James & Peter whined.

"Do you?" Remus ignored them as he goaded Sirius on. He flicked up a brow.

Such an elegant soft brown brow. Sirius felt his breath catch in his throat. "Uh ..."

"I'm up for a kiss," Remus said.

Was Remus FLIRTING with him? Sirius stared while James & Peter shared a surprised look. Sirius was suddenly 'up' for so much more. But. What? "Well ... ok then." He moved forwards on hands & knees, crawling over to Remus. "You sure you're ok with this?"

"It's your Dare, not mine," Remus laughed. Truth was, he had been aching for a kiss from Sirius for a while. But Sirius had started doing random people since he was fifteen last year (Sirius being a year older due to his late birthday) & seemed to be something of a social butterfly. The wolf within, however, had marked Sirius as a potential mate since he had first shown up as Padfoot.

Sirius knelt before him & brushed back some long fluffy bangs. Remus felt a shudder go through him at the touch & was glad it was dark enough so Sirius wouldn't know. Sirius leaned in.

Remus didn't know who initiated that kiss. One moment, Sirius was leaning close to him, hesitating. The next, Remus had grabbed him & now suddenly, kissing him hard. The wolf within wanted to do so many things to Sirius & it was all Remus could do to keep Moony at bay.

/No Moony! We aren't mating to him! It's just a Dare!/

/We both want him!/

/It's a GAME! He doesn't actually love us. This is all we get. Don't ruin it!/

Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe he should have refused & failed the game as well. Maybe he should rip his clothes off & do the same to Sirius right here in front of all.

Curse being a werewolf. Remus couldn't even enjoy a simple game without the wolf trying to complicate things.

/Moony, unless you plan on raping him, we are NOT mating with him now & I will kill myself if you hurt him to destroy you!/

/Fine!/

His mind went blank. Peaceful. Sirius's lips were still crushed on his own. Remus finally pulled away, his ears barely registering the whoops of Peter & James as they watched. Amber eyes glowed in the dark as he looked Sirius over, seeing him clear as day as Sirius moved back into his seat.

Why did it end so soon? It was good that it ended or the wolf would have destroyed everything.

"Well," Sirius gasped under breath, but the werewolf heard it. "That was something else."

"Moon's coming," Peter called out.

Everyone glanced up to see the edge of the moon, which was nearly full, start to peek around the Tower's curve. They picked up their things, discarded cloaks, the can & a few candies, before tapping the center brick at the back of the balcony. It opened a hole for them to crawl through.

It was around one in the morning, well beyond curfew. But with their map & secret passages, the four of them could get into the dorms without being seen.

Remus led the way, his keen hearing picking up the conversation behind him. They never learned. Talk in hushed whispers all they like, he'll still hear. He smiled softly to himself. He never expected to get that close to Sirius. He knew his wolf had wanted to claim Sirius & Remus had partly agreed. Sirius meant everything to him. He even learned to become a dog for him on the full moon.

But whatever made the wolf happy, Remus had vowed long ago to not do. Moony didn't deserve a damn thing! Remus would never give the wolf what it wanted. It was the only way he thought he could maintain some semblance of control over his life since he was around five years old. He listened quietly as they headed to the dorm, wishing he could replay that moment over & over.

"Blimey mate!" James exclaimed. "I really thought you'd back out."

"Hoped," Sirius corrected. "You mean hoped. You can't stand losing."

"I didn't lose!"

"Only 'cause the moon showed up," Sirius said. "Had we been able to stay, you'd lose eventually. Wattle bird."

The fat lady glared at them for being so late but let them in since they did know the password after all. The four of them hurried up the stairs to the dorm they shared. James was suddenly on his hands & knees scouring the floor for his lost parchment due in a few hours. He went back down stairs with Peter to look for the thing there, leaving Sirius & Remus alone.

Sirius awkwardly glanced around while Remus flicked his wand to pull the curtain closed, blotting out the moonlight. The fire in the center roared to life, casting a warm glow over the dorm room. Sirius dropped down onto his bed & pulled out his own parchment he still hadn't finished. Unrolling it, he found it was finished but he knew he hadn't done it yet.

"I knew you'd never finish it, so I filled it out," Remus said, noticing Sirius staring at his completed homework.

"Thanks Moony," Sirius rolled it up & put it away. "Your forgery skills are amazing."

"Just be glad it isn't Papa's class," said Remus. "He would notice the difference in our handwriting no matter how hard I'd try." He lay back on his bed. His pile of homework due for the coming day was already done & neatly piled together, ready to go. Sirius wondered if Remus would ever end up a Professor here some day. He acted like one already half the time.

Sirius sat up, cross-legged in the center of his bed. He watched Remus for a while before asking, "Are you alright?"

Remus looked at him. "Fine as I'll ever be, seeing as how the full moon is in three nights."

Sirius looked away. "That's not what I meant."

Remus sat up & mirrored Sirius. "If you're talking about our kiss earlier, it's fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Well ... I dunno ... " Sirius stammered. He began passing his hand over the quilt. Why the hell did he start this conversation?

"Unbelievable," Remus said, causing Sirius to look up at him. Remus got off his bed & walked over. "You're really affected by this, aren't you?"

"I mean ... well, James made that Dare & I was going to back out or ... or something," Sirius began. "I mean, I know what you are."

"What am I?" Remus asked, slightly defensive.

"Ray," Sirius groaned. "I know about how wolves mate for life & now we just kissed."

"Yeah, Pads. Kissed! We didn't have sex!" Remus laughed at him.

"Ok," Sirius gave up. Remus turned to go back to his bed. "That was your first kiss, wasn't it?"

"Ugh! Would you let this go already?" Remus literally growled. This conversation was rousing Moony within him. Moony would like nothing more than to jump on Sirius here & now.

"But it was," Sirius didn't let it go.

"Yes. I admit it," Remus said. "It was. Sirius, we're just a group of guys having some fun out there, ok? It happens all the time. I like that. It's the only sense of normalcy I have since I have to deal with this," he bared the fangs. "every month."

"I know," Sirius sighed. "I hate what Fenrir did to you."

"Because of Fenrir, I have to be very careful," Remus said. "Besides the Professors here, only you three guys & Lily know & I was very nervous letting Lily in on my secret when we both ended up being Prefects this year."

"You two are getting pretty close," Sirius said. "Anything going on? OOF!"

Remus had thrown a pillow at him before sitting down on his own bed again. "Merlin's sake! Don't let Jim hear you say that!"

"I was joking!" Sirius threw the pillow back.

Remus managed a short smile. "I highly doubt I will ever get that close to anyone. As you say, wolves form life bonds. Humans don't usually do that. It's rare that it happens for them."

"What about," Sirius stopped before going on.

"About what?"

"Nothing, never mind."

"I dare you to tell me what you were going to say."

"We're not playing anymore," Sirius said. "Just forget it."

"Come on! I never got a turn since Peter & James were hogging it," Remus begged. "Please?"

Sirius looked at him. Remus sat there, giving him that pathetic 'I'm-a-hurt-widdle-puppy-please-help-me' look he could never resist ... & Remus KNEW Sirius could not resist. He sighed heavily before saying, "What about us?"

"Us?"

"Yeah," Sirius suddenly felt a little bolder. "Us?"

"There is no ... us?"

"Not now," Sirius said. "There must be some reason I ended up as a dog for full moons."

"That's not good enough."

"I know," Sirius said, suddenly speaking fast, excitedly or nervously. Or both. "But, I dunno, you & I have seemed to be getting closer, lately. Since last year. James claims he has caught you watching me across the room a few times."

"James is an idiot!" Remus exclaimed much too quickly, his face going red.

"So it's true," Sirius caught Remus just fine. "On full moons, Moony is always pressing close to Padfoot. He didn't used to do that. He seems more protective of me. He marked me, didn't he?"

Remus took too long to answer. "... I—"

"DIDN'T HE?" Sirius demanded.

"Sirius!"

"That wolf has been acting weird towards Padfoot for a long while now," Sirius plowed on. "Then tonight, up there? You & I both know YOU grabbed ME!"

"Sirius, that's enough!"

"Is it?"

"We can't, ok?"

"Can't what?"

"We can't get married."

"When did I ever mention marriage?"

Remus snapped his fingers. "See, this is exactly what's wrong with taking a human for a mate. Sex is marriage for wolves, Sirius. It can not be casual between us!"

"I know that!" Sirius ran both hands through his hair. "Ray? I think ... I ... since near the end of fourth year, I've been having some feelings for you." Great. Now what?

"What?"

Sirius cast him a helpless look. He had a sudden thought that it was good James & Peter still weren't up. Like, that wasn't suspicious in any way shape or form. "IthinkI'mfallinginlovewithyou."

Remus blinked very slowly. "I-In love with me?"

Curse his Vulcan-like hearing. (Remus had once introduced his three pureblood friends to some muggle thing called Star Trek.) "Since ... maybe end of fourth year," Sirius admitted.

"You've been shagging ninety percent of Hogwarts since end of fourth year," Remus reminded him.

"Not since Christmas," Sirius muttered irritably.

"That's just a few months ago."

"Remus!" Sirius snapped, shutting the wolf up. "I'm a year older than any of the Marauders. The only time we all share the same age is a few months during spring & summer & then I leap ahead again. I went through the hormone rush all teenagers eventually have. I think I'm over it now. I've had a few months to calm down & assess some things, especially you."

"Me?" Remus felt his heart nearly stop. Sirius had something for him?

/I told you .../

The dread voice of the demon within.

/Shut up, Moony. We're just letting Sirius talk it out. Nothing is ever going to happen!/

/Have it your way, little boy!/

/God, how I hate y—/

Unbidden, Remus felt himself get up. Through eyes he felt weren't his own, he watched Sirius in a hazy amber gaze. His voice came out, slightly altered. "Sirius, you know what it means to be with a wolf. Are you capable?"

"Easy, Moony!" Sirius recognized the altered voice of the wolf within. "I know what it means. I knew you had your sight set on Padfoot. I bloody knew it!" He put both hands on his face. "But I want to talk to Remus, right now. Please?"

The creature sat down next to Sirius, annoying close, gazing at him with gold eyes shot through with red. Remus had green eyes, darker than even Lily's. Moony was fully awake. Most people would run from the sight, but Sirius slowly raised a hand to pet the brown wavy hair. He worked his fingers in, rubbing the werewolf's head, earning a soft puppy-like whimper. Sirius slipped his hand down one side of Remus's face, tracing the faint scars there.

His eyes glanced over the dual entity. As his gaze moved downward, he could see that Moony-Remus was very aroused, the bulge showing quite well. Whoa now! Sirius, James & Peter had been wondering when werewolf pups would become sexually mature & now suddenly, Sirius was staring it in the face. The wolf was growing up. More to the point, it had been tracking Sirius closely for a while, on & off full moons.

It confirmed everything in Sirius's mind. The werewolf had been anticipating this.

"Moony," Sirius put his hand on the werewolf's shoulder. "We need to talk a bit first. Before ... you know. Something happens. Besides, it is much too late & we have class in a few hours."

"Perhaps so," the werewolf leaned forward, taking a long deep whiff of Sirius's scent. The green slowly swirled through as Moony submerged, feeling rather pleased with himself.

"Did he hurt you?" Remus gasped under breath.

"No," Sirius whispered, moving his hand back up to the hair. "Ray ..." His breath barely managed to let the name out. Suddenly, his hand went behind Remus's head, pulling him close. He gently kissed Remus on the lips. Remus gasped in surprise & Sirius kissed him again, more deeply than before. He lay back, pulling Remus next to him, holding him tightly while still kissing.

Remus lay his head on Sirius's chest. What just happened? He wasn't supposed to give Moony what he wanted. But at the same time, Remus wanted Sirius like nothing else. Could it actually work?

"Well it's about time!" James exclaimed, throwing the Merlin-damned invisibility cloak off, exposing both himself & a large grey rat in his hands. He dropped the rat & Peter landed lightly on his toes a moment later. "That!" James pointed at Sirius & Remus who had jumped off the bed, one on either side away from each other. "Should have happened a long time ago."

"I KNEW you set us up!" Sirius complained.

"Does it matter?" Peter said, as James nodded in agreement beside him. "We were both sick of hearing you two whine."

"You were in on it?" Remus glared.

"Yup!" Peter shamelessly admitted, his merry blue eyes dancing.

"Can we go to bed now?" James asked. "It's almost three in the morning. We have Quidditch practice tomorrow & I'm bloody tired."

Remus rubbed his temples. "I hate you both!"

"We'll get them for this, later," Sirius said as he got into bed. Remus nodded before going to his own bed. "By the way, Prongs? You are wanted for Seeker. Charlotte told me, yesterday."

"You're telling me this now?" James hung the Death Cloak on a post by his bed before crawling under the covers.

"Must have slipped my mind," Sirius snarled. "Jason's too sick to play. We have a back up Chaser but the only other good one for Seeker in the try-outs was you."

"Great!" James replied, putting his glasses on the nightstand beside his bed. "Good night." He yawned widely & lay down. A moment later he sat up, a pillow attached to his head. One of his antler points he had forgotten to pull in had skewered it. "Damn it, Prongs! You stupid Stag!" James groaned, pulling the busted pillow off & casting it to the floor amidst a flurry of loose feathers & tears of laughter from his equally stupid friends. James let out a disgruntled Elk whistle that most likely woke up the whole Tower before rolling over to go to sleep at last.


(I hope that clears up the mess between books with Chaser James yet he plays with a Snitch & movies in which James has a Trophy shield for being a Seeker. It is canon that one is not guaranteed the same spot on the team, or even getting back on the team year to year, so this is a plausible solution.)