Merlin is falling , he is falling in a dark pit where he may not get out again.

It's been only three years since uther died and arthur became even a bigger prat than usual after being crowned. Gaius isn't being any helpful either , The old physician is definitely not getting younger , he does his job as a physician and attends the meetings of the round table but other than that his body won't allow. Hence ,it is my job as his apprentice and ward to take the load off of him. I try to assist whenever possbile but it just keeps getting harder. and also his relationship with his friends became so distant It's like they forget he existed sometimes ,Gwen is a wonderful queen; she takes all her responsibilities seriously and tries to adapt with how needy the ladies of court are being , Merlin understands how busy and tired she must be , he probably understands her the best , but can't she even find a simple few minutes just to stop and greet him like she usually did?

The knights aren't any better ; since lancelot died last winter , the knights buried themselves in their Knightley duties , between training, going to patrols and attending their daily meetings with arthur. But even when they patrol together they barely talk to him , it's like he only becomes visible to them all when they require a servant to make them supper or stock the fire and feed the horses. He thought at least Gwaine would be the same and he was wrong, but at least he is the only one who greets him in passing.

Merlin wasn't sure anymore if he was being belittled and undervalued or if that's really how he deserves to be treated.

Even arthur, His King and best friend , whom he would sacrifice absolutely anything for.

Arthur.

Thinking of arthur and how he treats me these days widens the hollowness in my chest..

Nothing i do makes him satisfied , Whenever i try to return to our normal routine albeit unusual to others of insults and sarcastic jokes, Arthur keeps reminding me that a servant can't show insubordination to his King.

Whenever i try to advise him to go back from a stupid decision he makes with the help of his snake of an uncle, he turns me down of course after using his favorite threat of banishing me.

At one point i kept telling myself that he became like this because of Agravaine's shadowing; as he is his only remaining family -- The man is a living snake but arthur regards his advice and support above all his court ,then there is the kingdoms weight on his shoulders , but now I'm not so sure, now i think that's just what became of arthur, now he reminds me of uther.

I have always been ready to sacrifice everything for him if he only just asks.

too bad he thinks I'm only a useless servant .

I've decided that i won't tell him about my magic or anyone else for the matter, They barely stand me as " Merlin" Arthur's manservant and Gaius's undeserving ward , how are they supposed to accept me as "Emrys" of the druids prophecies.

No they will never accept him , this part of himself should just be buried alongside his hollowness altogether.

He really changed.

Had kilgarrah told him that was what would become of him years ago , he might have ran away or saved himself somehow.

Now that he actually thinks about it ,that cryptic lizard only warned him when it was in his favor.

Merlin thought of all of this while standing on top of the battlements, he originally came to catch his breath and escape his miserable life for a bit , but he wasn't so sure that he wants to go back again.

Merlin took a deep breathe and let it out slowly then whispered " I am tired" and then he wondered "should i just end it all and jump?".

His last thought was of him repeating " Probably no one would care".

The man who saw him jump had other thoughts.