The Beginning
As the days have passed, the tension between Sendoh and me has begun to disappear.
Since the elevator incident, my relationship with him has been slowly recovering, which means that he comes to make fun of me from time to time. Sometimes I ignore it and sometimes I don't. I counterattack like I used to do in the past. Of course, we cannot go back to the way we were before 100%. There's still some awkwardness and a little tension, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time before I completely forget that night. At least we can talk again and Fujima hasn't had to worry as much as before. The only drawback is that Fujima is once again the accomplice and delivery man.
During the time Sendoh and I were fighting, the men in the office probably knew that I was not in a good mood. No one dared to come close to bother me or even give me a small gift as usual. However, as soon as they saw that I was back to normal, they started asking Fujima to give me gifts again. I'm very unhappy with your behavior!
I thought I made it clear before that I don't hang out with people from the company. Don't understand Japanese?
"Rukawa." Mitsui from the sales department calls softly. I'm a little confused and lost right now because I still don't know who sent me a bag of snacks through Fujima. My 29-year-old superior walks into our apartment with a smile on his face and a coffee in his hand. "I bought this coffee especially for you!" He walks past me and puts the coffee on my desk before he eyes of my office-mates.
I look at the coffee can before saying, "I'm sorry, but I don't drink..."
"Rukawa, don't you drink coffee anymore? I'll go get you some juice then."
"That's not what I mean. I don't drink any of this, so you don't have to buy anything for me." My words immediately make Mitsui nervous. Sighing, I stand up and approach him.
"Why don't you use your time to take care of the person you're cheating on instead of doing this?Aren't you in a relationship? That person works in the office downstairs, right? If he knows that you are pursuing someone while you are in a relationship, his heart will break and he won't trust you anymore."
I almost feel sorry when I see the surprised and hurt expression on his face, but he needed to hear this. People who are greedy and can't be loyal to their partner need to hear it. People who have a cheating mentality need to hear it. They need to be aware of it because believe me when I say that 90% of those men are not aware and will not notice. Once they have started to be unfaithful or if they have already been unfaithful, it will happen again and again.
It is an endless vicious circle.
"Thank you for your kindness, but it would be better if you did not do this again in the future." I put the coffee back in his hand and sit back in my chair. Mitsui hastily leaves my department.
I stare at his back as he walks away and I can't help but sigh. It looks like he won't be setting foot in this department for a while.
"Aww, he's tried so hard to buy gifts to please you, but you've rejected him! You're too cruel, Kaede," Sendoh scoffs as soon as Mitsui leaves.
"I was just making things clear to him. Unlike someone who uses sweet words, feeding false hopes." I mock.
"It's called being affectionate."
"That's called being a casanova." I can't help but quarrel with him. Sendoh shrugs and goes back to his work.
That's how we usually argue. We started with two other words, but ended up arguing with ten more. Well, at least it's not as awkward as before.
"Then I can take Mitsui off the gift-giving list, right? It probably won't bother you anymore," Fujima asks.
"I have said that, whoever they are, do not accept the gifts. I've said it before, our colleagues are off limits to me."
"You can still accept gifts for me, or they would be very sad!" Sendoh walks over and pats Fujima on the shoulder before laughing happily. I can't help but roll my eyes.
He will never change.
The long work week is over again, and in the blink of an eye, it's the weekend again. On Friday night, I shower and go to bed earlier than usual because I have to go somewhere very early in the morning. That same morning, my phone starts ringing, waking me up before my alarm. Yawning, I pick up the phone and can't help but frown when I see who's calling me.
"What?" I ask with an irritated voice. It's too early to hear his voice.
"You're up late!" Sendoh's unpleasant voice comes from the speaker. I turn to check the time, and I see that it is only 8:30 in the morning.
"Today I have the day off. It's up to me what time I want to wake up," I grumble. I have worked hard this week. I deserve to rest.
"No, actually you have to get up early! Many people will be waiting in line."
"What queue?" I ask him confused.
"The line for the blood test!" he says happily, making me freeze. "That's right! I came to pick you up to take you to do a blood test."
"..."
"I'm waiting for you downstairs so hurry up and get dressed!" Sendoh says before ending the call. Any drowsiness he had quickly disappeared. I get up immediately and go straight to the bathroom.
Normally, whenever I have sex with other people, I make sure that one of us uses protection. That night I spent with Sendoh was the first time I slept with someone without any protection. Sex between men is riskier than between a man and a woman. Plus, Sendoh changes partners almost every night.
To be on the safe side, I decided to get a blood test done. Actually, I originally planned to go to the hospital today. I just didn't expect him to come do it with me. Maybe this is also his way of expressing his apologies!
After changing my clothes, I run downstairs to look for it. Today Sendoh is wearing a gray short-sleeved t-shirt and black jeans. He is sitting calmly on the couch waiting for me with a glass of iced coffee in his hand.
"Coffee?" He asks as he lifts the glass of coffee he has in his hand.
"Thank you, but let's go!" I refuse and Sendoh just shrugs his shoulders before following me.
"Haven't they fixed your car yet?"
"Hmm." If my car was already fixed then I wouldn't be in yours! I wanted to say that, but I don't have the energy to argue with him so early in the morning.
Plus, I'm so nervous right now that I don't want to talk at all. During the ride to the hospital, Sendoh tried to have a conversation with me and made fun of me a few times, but because I'm feeling anxious, I barely responded. And that's driving me crazy.
It's not that I've never had a blood test for AIDS. I do it every year and nothing has ever happened because I have always taken protective measures. But it is the first time I have had a blood test for having had unprotected sexual relations. And it's because Sendoh...
"Whoa, are you looking at me again?" Sendoh seems to notice my gaze, although he doesn't take his eyes off the road. Annoyed huff. The more I see Sendoh's carefree attitude, the more I want to punch him! If I wasn't worried about tipping over, I would have hit him hard!)
We got to the hospital around 10, and apparently not many people came to get the blood work done. It takes a long time for our turn to arrive. All the time I wait, I sit silently in fear. Sendoh, who is sitting next to me, doesn't bother me or say anything, but obviously he's a little nervous too. It's not until an hour later that the result comes out.
He let out a sigh of relief when he saw that both test results were negative.
"I told you we'd be fine. You were thinking too much!" Exclaims Sendoh as we head to the parking lot.
"How can I not be scared? You are not that trustworthy."
"Mr. Rukawa, just so you know, I take sex very seriously. I don't want to die so soon either!"
"But you didn't put on a condom that night," I glare at him. Sendoh is stunned after hearing that before laughing sheepishly.
"Well, I was drunk. But I swear! I always wear it," he says, raising his right hand. I turn around and ignore him.
The entire trip was shrouded in silence after that. I was hoping Sendoh would take me back to my apartment, but when the landscape looks unfamiliar, I can't help but frown.
"This isn't the way back to my apartment," I say when I realize we're getting further and further away.
"Who said we were going back to your apartment now?" he's smile.
"I'm hungry and I wanted to eat. Surely you haven't had breakfast yet." Sendoh looks at me with a frown.
Actually, before the blood test, I was so worried that I forgot to eat and now that he says it... I remain silent and just lean back in the passenger seat. Seeing that I don't care, Sendoh's keeps driving. A few minutes later, we arrived at a well-known shopping center.
"What do you want to eat?" he asks as we enter the shopping center. I look at the restaurants around and none of them are cheap.
"Something from the food court," I quickly suggest.
"Don't worry about the price. I invite."
"Why do you suddenly want to invite me?" I ask, narrowing my eyes at him.
"Take it as my way of apologizing," he answers simply. Seeing my distrustful expression, he sighs.
"Just choose or not... better, I'll choose! Come on." Sendoh immediately takes me by the arm and enters one of the expensive Japan restaurants without saying a word.
From dragging me into the restaurant, to sitting me in a chair, and then receiving the menu handed over by the waiter with just one hand, the whole series of actions were completed in one go. Almost all dishes on the menu cost more than 500 yen. I know that being a programmer pays a lot more than being a graphic designer, so that's why Sendoh can order whatever he wants to eat at any price.
I don't have any complaints about it. Anyway, I'm not the one paying.
I order the Sushi with fresh shrimp and lemon tea. While waiting for the food, I pull out my phone to watch some cat and dog clips on Twitter. I really like small animals. I have always wanted to have a kitten or a puppy to accompany me to spend my time alone, but I know that my wish will never come true.
Plus, I'm actually allergic to the fur. I remember when I was in college, I tried to go to a cat shop with Fujima, but within 5 minutes of entering, I quickly ran out. I sneezed so excessively that the other customers couldn't help but look to the side.
It doesn't take long for the food to be served. I concentrate on eating my sushi while Sendoh does the same. The atmosphere at the table is a bit strange. Sendoh and I have worked at the same company for 3 years, but it's the first time the two of us have eaten together without Fujima, so I'm not used to it.
"Why are you staring at me? Am I more palatable than your Sushi?" The man sitting across from me looks at me, the corner of his mouth turning up. I realize I had been looking at his face.
"Could you not say something that makes me nauseous?" I can't help but roll my eyes at such arrogance. Sendoh just laughs before resting his chin on his hand, staring at me.
"Keep looking at me. It doesn't bother me. I'd rather be blind," I reply and finish the entire meal on my plate in one go.
Ten minutes later, Sendoh calls the waiter to settle the bill. After looking at the 4-digit amount on the bill, I stare at the hand handing the credit card to the waiter. After hesitating for a while, I decide to open my wallet to take 500 yen and give it to him.
"What's that for?"
"We're going to pay 50/50."
"I told you that I'll pay it."
"Just take it." I put the money in his hand. Sendoh shakes his head and tries to push my hand back, so I get up from the chair, walk over to him, and put the money in his pocket.
"You're so stubborn," he murmurs in an annoyed voice, but I ignore him. I don't want to be in debt to him.
"Shall we go home now?" Sendoh asks me after leaving the restaurant. I nod my head as I look at the crowded place. Sendoh and I headed to the parking lot. In the middle of the bustling crowd, I see a familiar figure and I can't help but stop. "That's..." I whisper, my eyes chasing the familiar tall, thin man who has his arms around a sexy figure.
"Hey?" Sendoh sees me turn and walks towards me when he notices I stop. Follow my line of sight to see who has caught my attention. He continued to stare at that person until he was at a clearly visible distance. I can't help but smile in disbelief when I realize who he is.
Yesterday, he was still sending me messages begging me to get back together. And now, I see him with a woman walking through the shopping center. Shit.
"Do you know him?" Sendoh can't help but ask me when the man approaches in our direction. I immediately hide behind Sendoh, blocking the man's view with his broad back, until the two slowly walk away.
"Let's go back." I don't wait for him to answer me and I quickly head to the parking lot.
The black Honda Civic is heading at full speed towards my apartment, and from time to time, I can feel Sendoh looking at me. The image of Sawakita with that woman still resonates in my mind. We're done and I'm sure my heart is at peace now, but I still can't help but feel angry.
Although I have drawn a clear line with him from the beginning, and I don't want to go back to him, that doesn't mean I don't feel pain at all. I gave him my all, but all he did was reciprocate my love by being with another person while we were together.
"How many times do I have to meet a bastard like that? Why can't I meet good people?"
"From the way you looked at him, I assume he was your ex." Sendoh's voice breaks the silence in the car. He turns me to look out the window and I make a low hum.
"Then why are you so angry? If he has someone new, let him go. Someone else will come to replace him. You have many options in our company," he explains.
I look at his concentrated face before calling him.
"Akira."
"What?"
"Why can't people be satisfied with just one person?"
"...You mean me?"
"Those guys."
"You mean your exes?" he asks. I can only nod instead of answer. I really don't understand why they can deceive so easily when they say they are in love. For me, if I am in love with a person, there is no way I can make them doubt my love or break their trust.
Perhaps there is a very clear message behind these types of questions that I frequently encounter: My ex-boyfriend never loved me in the first place.
"They are all repeat offenders and difficult to change." says his opinion, which makes me laugh a little.
"Are you giving yourself away?"
"Hey! Do not blame me! When I have a partner, I don't cheat on them," he responds immediately, making me raise my eyebrow. Sendoh narrows his eyes at me when he sees me staring at him.
"You think I'm lying."
"Don't you?" I ask, not completely believing what he said. From the look on his face the first day I met him at the bar, to seeing what he's been doing at the company for the last 3 years... No one would believe him.
"I'm telling the truth! TRUE! OK that's fine. I may stare a little when I see someone of my type, but whenever I'm in a relationship, I will take care of that person from the beginning, and I won't be in contact with anyone else."
"So the last person who came to the company wasn't your bride?" I can't help but ask him.
That incident is well known in the company. About two years ago, Sendoh's ex suddenly went crazy and went to the company to make a fuss. She screamed everywhere that she had been abandoned by Sendoh because he had found a new lover. Sendoh didn't go to work that day, so in the end it was Fujima who faced the ex's wrath.
"No, it was just a hookup," he says nonchalantly. "I haven't dated anyone since I graduated from college. Most of them are one-night stands. Some lasted 3 or 4 times. But I always stress to these people that it's just an adventure and I'm just looking to have fun. If you agree, everyone wins. If not, then no."
I remain silent after listening to his explanation. I don't know him well enough to know if he and those girls were in a relationship. As far as I know, he's been having sex all the time and only breaks up with them when he gets bored.
"You know there's something wrong with doing that, but I don't see you stopping," I say disapprovingly. "If you're not looking for a relationship, then what's the point of flirting with other people?"
"Honestly, I just want to have sex." The other man's direct response makes me feel tired for a moment. Sendoh takes his eyes off the road and looks at me, unable to help but laugh.
"Your expression is cute! Wanting sex is normal! Have you never wanted sex?"
"Is it really normal? Want sex with someone who isn't your lover?"
"So... did you feel something for me that night?" His question leaves me cold.
"I was drunk," I say in a low voice. That night...I admit I got a little sentimental about it. Undeniably, it was a good feeling. But that was because I was so drunk that I lost my mind and control. It would have been another thing if I had maintained a little sanity at that moment and still thought that having sex with a man I don't love is a good thing.
I look up when I hear his light laugh in my ear. Sendoh smiles in amusement as he looks at me.
"From me point of view, love, and sex. They don't always have to go together. I don't want to date. I just want to vent my desire and be friends with benefits. The problem is that most people don't want to break up with me. That's how it is."
"..."
"Why are you silent? Are you cursing me in your head?" He sighs before adding, "Everyone has their own point of view and perspective and this type of debate will never end. But as long as I'm single, I have the right to do this. When the day comes when I want to get serious with someone, then I will stop doing it right away."
I am stunned for a moment by what he said, but my heart is still full of doubts.
I am not a conservative person who does not listen to the perspective of someone who does not align with mine, so I understand what Sendoh is saying. He feels that as long as he doesn't commit to a relationship with someone, you still have the freedom to choose.
People who choose to forgive their partners are not unusual. They forgive them by saying it was just a physical adventure rather than a spiritual adventure, but to me, neither is good!
As for Sendoh... to be honest, I still can't believe that when that day comes, I'll actually leave him alone. At least I have never witnessed an unfaithful man who actually does what he says and is seriously with someone. Where are those who are loyal in love?
"Kaede?" After a moment of silence, he calls me.
"What?"
"...if I say it, will you hit me?"
"It depends on what you're going to say."
"What if I want to talk about that night?" His words automatically make my eyebrows furrow. Sendoh looks at me before continuing.
"Although I was very drunk, I remember how good it was."
"..."
"It has been a long time since I met someone who complemented me so well in bed. If it were someone else, I would definitely invite them to be friends with benefits without hesitation even a bit. But since it's about you... would you be interested?" he says half jokingly.
Seeing that I remain silent, Sendoh immediately changes the subject. I don't answer, because my head is busy thinking about... things.
In my 27 years of existence, I have always led a simple life. I tried to play the role of a good child, I tried to be myself and gave my heart in exchange for an ideal love. But in return, I received multiple wounds and broken hearts from the people around me. Talking to Sendoh today made me think about my opinion of myself.
Is it better if I don't love at all?
What if I could find someone who satisfies my desires as long as I had the physical impulse? And would I even go crazy once in my life? As I would be…
Sendoh sees that I remain silent, so he turns on the speakers and plays music. Being a Saturday afternoon, traffic is much lighter than usual, and we noticed it took us a while to reach our destination.
"We're here," says Sendoh after parking in front of my apartment.
I unbuckle my seat belt and thank him. "Thanks for bringing me back."
"Okay. See you on Monday," he answers.
At that moment, my hand, which was about to open the door, slowly descends. I take a deep breath and call him.
"Akira?"
"Hm?"
"I want to try."
"Try what?" The other man raises his eyebrows slightly. I hesitate a moment and then look at him, his blue eyes mirroring mine. I look at this the friend with whom I have had mixed feelings for several years with a complicated expression.
"What you just said."
"..."
"I want to be friends with benefits with you."
At that moment, the car goes silent. The environment is so silent that even the slightest breathing can be heard clearly. His face is left with a stunned expression. When I realize how impulsive what I said is, I immediately open the car door. I go out and hurry up to my room.
At that time, I didn't know how my impulsiveness would affect the future.
Will be continued.
