"Mr. Lupin? What on earth are you doing?"
Remus looked up at Professor McGonagall sheepishly. "Hiding under your desk," he said.
"Yes, I can see that," said McGonagall, rolling her eyes. "But why?"
Remus crawled out and brushed off his robes. "It's a bit of a long story," he said. "Peeves somehow got ahold of some Zonko's products…"
"I'm aware. He's been wreaking havoc for ages. He's uncontrollable."
"Yes, well… I have no idea how he got all that, but…"
"You don't?"
"Nope. No clue."
McGonagall squinted her eyes. "I'm not sure I believe you," she said. "Nevertheless, continue."
"Well, Peeves made me float the other day with some Zonko's Floating Powder. I was outdoors, sitting by a tree, enjoying the weather and minding my own business… and then all of a sudden, I was up in the air! I had to wait thirty minutes until I finally descended enough for my feet to touch the ground, and I still felt a little swoopy for the next fifteen. It was terrible. I've never been a fan of flying, you know."
"Afraid of heights?"
"No, definitely not. Just don't like them."
"Is there a difference?"
"Yes, huge difference. Anyway, as soon as I finally reached the ground, I came here."
"Because you're hiding from Peeves?"
"No, because I want to get him back." Remus shrugged. "I think the best way to get him to stop bothering people is making it clear that his actions have consequences. My father's a spiritous apparition expert, and he knows all about poltergeists—they only care about their own personal amusement and the negative effect they have on others, so if they don't think it's worth it, they'll stop. They get embarrassed when other people know how to play the game."
McGonagall frowned. "Lupin, although I don't doubt your father's expertise, I don't think that giving Peeves the satisfaction will make him stop."
"It will. He's not looking to play a two-person game. When his one-sided bothering becomes a multiple-person war, he'll lose the satisfaction, not gain it."
"Hmm." McGonagall frowned. "Are you certain?"
"Yes. Absolutely."
"So what is your plan, may I ask?"
"Petrificus Totalus, with a slight twist."
"The twist being?"
"Well, I read in a book somewhere that if you move your wrist in a different way and squint one eye while casting, it'll wear off one limb at a time."
McGonagall's frown deepened. "And why are you in my office, of all places? Being on Easter holidays does not give you an excuse to break into teachers' private rooms without permission."
"I know, Professor, and I'm sorry. I'll take a detention if I need to. But I overheard Peeves say that he was coming here next."
"What? How do you know that?"
Suddenly, a voice began floating down the corridor, mocking and clear as a bell. "Oh, gee," it sang. "I'm seeing McG. Oh, gee. I'm seeing McG. Laaa-da-dee… I'm seeing McG… sneaking into her office… silly old me… and my name is Peeves… oh, gee, I'm filling her desk with bees… bees for McG… la-la-lee…"
"Oh," said McGonagall in a strangely strangled tone. "Yes, that does rather give his intentions away."
"He's been singing it for half an hour now. Subtlety is not his strong suit."
"Anyone who ever thought otherwise is an incredible dunce." Professor McGonagall sighed, crossed her arms, and then looked at Remus. "All right, Mr. Lupin. You may perform that spell of yours on Peeves. You have my full permission and supervision."
"Supervision?"
"Yes. I want to watch," she said—and Remus may have been mistaken, but he thought he saw a gleam in McGonagall's eyes. "That poltergeist," she continued, "has been giving me trouble since I set foot in this castle. If there is a way to beat him at his own game, then I most certainly want to help."
"Right, then, Professor," said Remus, amused and mystified all at once. "Er… I don't know what kind of bees he has, but…"
"They can't be real bees. Zonko's sells joke products; it is not a central hub for animal abuse."
Remus nodded and took a place in a corner. "Here he comes," he said.
All was silent… until the door creaked open and Peeves flew in, carrying a large jar of what looked like rubber bees. "Oh, look who's here!" he crowed, but he didn't manage to get anything else out before Remus shouted, "Petrificus Totalus!" and Peeves froze in midair, blinking stupidly.
"Hm," said McGonagall. "Well done. And you're sure that will work?"
"Positive. What… what type of bees does he have?"
"I believe those are Hornets," said McGongall, plucking the jar from Peeves' hand and staring at it. "Yes, yes. These are Hornets."
"They're… hornets, you said?"
"No, not 'hornets' with a lowercase H. They're Hornets. They appear to be bees, but…" McGonagall smiled wryly and unscrewed the top of the jar. The bees came filing out, one after another… and then the noise came.
Remus clapped his hands over his ears at the awful cacophony. Trumpets blared. Saxophones wailed. Tubas harrumphed. Clarinets squeaked. A lone piccolo came squealing, cutting through the air, piercing Remus' sensitive eardrums like Sirius' whistling often did (except it was a different note from Sirius' awful G#). "Ow," he commented.
"Yes, it's rather awful," said McGonagall. Remus could barely hear her over the horrible noise. "These are Hornets. They play marching horns, primarily, though I believe you'll find some party horns, French horns, English horns, horns of plenty, and chrome horns. They make extraordinary amounts of noise."
"Why did you let them out?" shouted Remus.
"They don't bother me," said McGonagall, casting a sly look at Peeves. "Not at all. I won't even be in my office for the next couple of hours; I'll be meeting with Professor Dumbledore. Seems that Peeves is the one stuck in here with the Hornets. Lupin, do shut the door on your way out. I'll cast a Soundproofing Charm to ensure that the noise in my office doesn't disturb anyone but Peeves. I want to make sure he gets his money's worth, after all, especially since I happen to know that Hornets disappear within one hour of being released."
"That makes perfect sense, Professor," said Remus. He stared at her in slight awe as the two of them exited the office. The door shut behind them, and McGonagall performed the Soundproofing Charm promptly.
Remus turned to stare at her. "You really don't like Peeves, do you?" he asked.
She smiled. "I despise him, and even more so now that he's gotten Zonko's products by some awful miracle." She motioned for Remus to walk with her, and Remus scrambled to obey. "I do love order and rules," she said. "I consider myself a fairly strict teacher—though not to John Questus' level, certainly not."
"There's a difference between being strict and impatient," said Remus with a chuckle.
"Yes… yes, I suppose so. My point is, though, while I consider myself to be a strict teacher, I can appreciate a bit of chaos here and there. A touch of mischief. A drop of disobedience. It keeps the student body alive." She smiled. "As much as I dislike your friends on occasion, I would much rather have a group of children practically asking for detention than a group of robots. Chaos has its place."
"Then why don't you like Peeves, Professor?"
"Because chaos has its place, and Peeves is chaos incarnate that does not know its place. Teasing upper-years who can handle it is one thing, but Peeves is using these joke products to single out first-years, shy students, and generally people who do not wish to be the center of attention… which is why he made you float this morning, I'm sure. I am hoping that we can control Peeves—just a bit—until he stops this Zonko's nonsense. We need to reign him in for the good of the school."
Remus felt horribly guilty. The Zonko's products, he knew, wouldn't stop coming anytime soon… and Remus and his friends would have to ask Peeves to target McGonagall sooner or later so that they could further scope out her office for the map. But he couldn't tell McGonagall any of that, of course.
"I must say," she said, "it is rather nice having a student who's such an expert on Boggarts." She leaned closer and smiled. "I think," said McGonagall, eyes aflame, "that we could put Peeves in his place for at least a few months. What do you say, Mr. Lupin? Shall we declare war?"
Remus felt guilty, yes… but how could he say no? "Of course," he said, smiling brightly and praying to whomever would listen that everything would work out for the best.
After all… this could be fun.
Not long after, Remus was taking another Arithmancy lesson with Professor Leek. After a whole hour of trying and failing to generate a control memory, Leek stopped him. "Take a break for now," he said.
"But I haven't done it yet!"
"But you're getting tired, mentally. The longer you try to summon this memory, the harder it will be. You need a break. Let's stop for today."
"But… I've tried for so long, and I still haven't gotten it! I need to catch up for all the time I've wasted!"
Leek peered at Remus, head cocked. "Do you honestly think that you're behind?" he said.
"Yes, of course I'm behind! This is… like, step one, isn't it? And I still haven't done it!"
Leek shook his head and laughed. "Listen, Remus, these simulations often take months to complete. You are a fourteen-year-old child who has barely started learning arithmancy, and you're doing an extremely advanced project that requires emotional control beyond what most fully-trained arithmancers will ever have to do. It took me months to be able to generate a control memory, myself. You're not behind. In fact, you're progressing very quickly."
"It feels like I should be better, though. It feels like the hours I've spent studying and practicing should have paid off. I haven't improved at all since last time!"
"Remus, no. I mean, yes. I mean, you absolutely have improved. The edges of the memory are becoming less fuzzy, see?"
"Oh, what a big deal," said Remus sarcastically. "What an accomplishment. What a massive success. It's not nearly enough to let me continue my project, but at least it's less fuzzy!"
Leek frowned at him. "This is a long-term project for a reason. You won't complete it within in the year."
"I know, but…"
"Is there something else at play? Another reason why you're so upset?"
"No," said Remus with a sigh. "I'm just busy, and nothing is working out the way it should. Sometimes I just wish for a little bit of good luck, you know?"
"Ah, I see. You haven't had much luck lately, have you?" Leek chuckled for a moment, and then he immediately stopped. "Oh, I'm… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring back any… any painful memories…"
"It's fine," said Remus—a little more fiercely than intended. He winced. He hadn't meant to get that vehement. "It's fine," he repeated, more gently. "I've been trying to drown bad memories in other things, because keeping busy doesn't allow me to dwell on them, but it's getting harder. I like Miles and all, but he's bringing back memories I've been trying to forget."
"Well, if there's one thing arithmancy can teach you, it's that memories are not always a bad thing," said Leek. "In fact, the past is crucial to our understanding of the future… which is precisely what we're trying to do with your project. Now, why don't we stop for today? I'll make some tea, yes?"
"No," said Remus quickly. He didn't think that Leek was the one poisoning him, but… well, he couldn't be sure, could he? "I was going to eat lunch anyway. I'll see you next time, Professor Leek."
"Of course. Thank you for all your hard work and quick progression, Remus."
"I try my best."
"Believe me… I know."
When Remus exited the Arithmancy classroom, the first thing he saw was Peeves' leering expression. "Luuuupin," he sang. "Loopy, loony, Luuuuuuupin. Loopy. Lupin. Hellooooo."
Remus ignored him.
"Luuuuupin."
Remus kept walking. Peeves followed at close range, blowing raspberries and singing Remus' name, but Remus did not respond. He would respond later, in the form of something large and very annoying.
"Luuuuupin," said Peeves again. "Loopy Lupin. Loony Lupin. Luuuuupin."
Remus did not respond.
"Well," said Peeves loudly, "if your name won't get your attention, then maybe I need to do it a different way."
Remus didn't answer… until Peeves mimicked a wolf's howl, albeit quietly, and Remus whirled around to face him, face burning with embarrassment. "Stop it!" he hissed. "There are people around!"
Peeves had done that before—in Remus' first year, he'd found the Marauders in the corridors after they'd snuck out after dark, and he'd made howling noises in Remus' general direction until Remus had magically given him a tail. It was humiliating. It was embarrassing. Remus did not like being howled at.
The other thing about howling was that when the cadence reached a certain note, a certain frequency, and it had to be very particular (a little higher than the first note of Moonlight Sonata)… Remus almost felt the urge to howl back. It was controllable, but it was still there; a little bit like the beginnings of a sneeze that never quite materialized into a genuine urge. Remus hated that. He felt less like a person than ever when people howled at him.
Peeves didn't have the exact intention of stripping Remus of his humanity, Remus was sure, but he did intend to annoy Remus as best he could. Now that he drew a reaction that was one of genuine frustration and gave Remus a certain inability to reciprocate, Peeves grinned and did it a little bit louder.
Remus shot Peeves the dirtiest look he possibly could and reached for his wand… but it was gone.
"Oops," said Peeves. "Looks like you've left it in Professor Leek's classroom. Leek. Leeeeek. How bleak. Don't mean to critique, but at the end of the week, your technique reeks of oblique-ness and weakness—better go sneak and seek that wand with Leek—don't bother to speak—freak!"
"Idiot," Remus mumbled. "That doesn't even make sense, and I have no interest in your poetry right now." Remus tried to get past, but Peeves blocked his way. "Don't forget who gave you those joke products, Peeves. I could easily convince him to stop providing you with them." Remus tried to dodge Peeves, but Peeves moved with him. "You're being stupid, Peeves."
A few students walked past Remus; they gave him pitying looks, but did not bother to help. Who would? Peeves was truly an unstoppable force.
Now Peeves was commentating on Remus' attempts to get past as if Remus were a participant in a Quidditch match. "Remus Lupin with the Quaffle… shoots… and misses, blocked by the Keeper! Too bad. Guess he's not nearly as good at chasing balls as he is at chasing prey!"
Okay, that had crossed a line. It wasn't as if poltergeists had any level of empathy—they were only spirits; they simply gauged what kind of teasing bothered their victim and then used it against them—but that was too far. Remus sort of wished he'd never cast that Petrifying Charm on Peeves in the first place.
"Eaten anyone lately?" Peeves crowed, and Remus glanced around worriedly for passing students. Fortunately, the area was near deserted at this point—it was a nice day and Easter hols, so all the passing students had dissipated and were now probably outside. Dumbledore had probably gotten Peeves to keep Remus' secret somehow—otherwise, it would have been all over the school at this point.
Remus gritted his teeth and used the only card that he had in his pocket. "Not a single person," he said, "but the odd poltergeist floats in every now and again, and I must say, that's a flavor I'll never tire of."
See, this was the trick. Show he wasn't bothered. Reciprocate in kind. Remus didn't have to say anything particularly clever; he merely had to show Peeves that he wasn't an easy target… show Peeves that he knew how to play the game and could win it, too. He had to show Peeves that his lycanthropy was not a weak spot; it was a weapon, and only Remus was capable of wielding it properly.
Peeves laughed. "Very funny! Nothing can kill a poltergeist! We're born of mischief itself!"
"Ever noticed how you can touch things?" said Remus. "You can put your hands on objects and handle them with ease. Your limbs don't merely pass through the objects like other ghosts' do."
"Makes it easy for me to do THIS!" said Peeves, pulling a sword out of his obscenely large and magical pockets. He thrusted the sword at Remus; Remus flinched but it went right through him. A trick sword. Remus gritted his teeth even harder. His jaw was starting to hurt at this point, but Remus didn't care. He just had to get through this.
"Yes, I'm sure," he said. "It also makes it easier for other people to touch you. Werewolves included."
"I can't die!"
"I dunno about that, Peeves. Werewolves are highly powerful monsters that could kill a lot of magical creatures. My father's an expert, you know, and he thinks that a werewolf could eat a poltergeist on the full moon. You remember my father."
Peeves grimaced. If Remus' father's stories were true, then he'd given Peeves a lot of grief during his own school years.
"After all," continued Remus, "vampires are quite hard to kill, but werewolves can take care of that easily. What makes you think you're safe?"
Peeves frowned.
"I'll give your nonexistent brain a few seconds to ponder that," said Remus.
Peeves floated there, still frowning… and then, with all the courage he could muster, Remus leapt forward and shouted, "Boo!" Peeves immediately shrieked and flew away, an orange blur speeding down the corridor and out of sight.
Remus let go of the breath he'd been holding and started walking toward Leek's classroom to retrieve his wand.
It was on.
McGonagall found Remus in the corridor later that day and handed him sunglasses.
"What?" stuttered Remus.
"Put them on," she ordered.
With a shrug, Remus slipped them on. A quick glance around the corridors told him that no one else was around. He looked back at McGonagall, wondering what on earth was going on.
Peeves flew in, cackling and holding a pair of goggles. He slipped them on; when he did, light burst from the inside of the lenses, shining all around the corridor, causing Peeves to shriek and then swear violently. The lights cut out, the goggles fell to the ground, and then Peeves flew off, still letting out an impressive stream of swear words.
Remus took off the sunglasses and handed them back to McGonagall. "What just happened?"
She smiled. "Those goggles that Peeves was wearing were from Zonko's. They were supposed to shoot lasers that turned the colors of anything they hit. I merely took the liberty of casting a Reversing Spell on them when I saw them hanging out of his pocket this morning."
"Wow, Professor. You're really good at this."
"You were right, Lupin. The more we retaliate, the more frustrated he gets. I believe he'll be finished bothering us by the end of this week."
"We'll see," said Remus; they shared a smile, and then they took off in opposite directions. "Merlin's beard," Remus whispered to himself as soon as she was out of earshot. "She's a bit scary."
And judging by Peeves' hesitancy around McGonagall after that... he thought so, too.
AN: Am a day late posting! Sorry, I went to a concert last night (they played Tchaik Symph No. 6)!
