Today I tried to convince him to meet Ted or George, but he refused flatly. He doesn't want to speak or to see anybody. I didn't press the matter; I'll leave him some more time. However, I succeeded in persuading him to write a letter to Albus and James. I helped him out. It has been excruciatingly painful, I could sense it, but I'm very proud of him. He persevered and wrote two good letters, not long, not sentimental but in his style and I think it can be valued even more for that. They will be happy. Or at least Albus will be surely. I don't know about James. I know he is deeply fond of him, but they are so similar it's difficult for them to get along. Especially now.
I tried as well to persuade him to go to visit Sunrise. She is at the Burrow since obviously Harry wasn't in any condition to perform the role of a father. Soon after the debacle with Ron, James stated his intention to drop school to take care of her. Molly didn't want to hear of it and being him still not of age, he had no choice but to go back to Hogwarts.
Technically it was Ted the one who had be chosen by Harry and Ginny to be her guardian in case of need but at the end it was to Molly and Arthur that she had been entrusted.
Ted asked them to perform that role. He justified it saying that working at the hospital mostly in shifts it's not easy for him to take care of her. It doesn't wash with me. I know Andromeda would have been only too happy to do it when he is at work, and he goes to the Burrow every leisure moment he gets to spend some time with her. My suspicion is that it has been done with the sole goal to keep them busy (especially Arthur) so they wouldn't brood too much over Ginny's death. That child is so chattering, overactive and challenging that doesn't live space for grief. I never stop to be surprised by Ted's wisdom.
Harry didn't even allow me to carry my suggestion to the end.
'She is happier further away from me' he muttered leaving the room, surely not to be pestered, and didn't open his mouth up to dinner.
When in bed, it is not different from the other nights before this one. As usual he asked me to read something to him. I think it has got the power to divert his thoughts and to soothe him, therefore, I always do it with pleasure. He nodded off with easiness, nestled close to me while I was performing my task and his sleep seemed deep and serene.
I fear I'm getting used a bit too easily in sharing bed with him and, I must say, I enjoy the cuddling a bit too much, but he is so gentle; I feel so good in his arms. I'm experiencing what I almost never did with Ron and that, I know, should be wrong. And it's also wrong of me to lay awake some hours every night very well aware of his body close to mine uncapable to get a wink of sleep, but, I hope, I'll get over it eventually.
I'm sure I can learn to enjoy his closeness under the name of friendship, but that happy moment is not arrived quite yet.
I'm having a flash of awareness just tonight, I'm awake as if daytime. I'm on one side and he is spooning with me in a torturing much suffered way. All his marvellous body is pressed against my back, his firm arms around me and I'm as tense as a violin string.
When is the last time I had some satisfactory sex?
Actually, now that I think of it, when is the last time I had sex at all? My god, I cannot even remember. It must have been ages ago.
He moves sending electric bolts everywhere, awaking part of my body I didn't even realise to have and in some other cases, alas, I almost forgot to have.
I can feel his breathing on my neck, his limps hands rest so close to my body, lightly brushing it, I'd just need to heave slightly deeper to reach that craved contact and this consciousness cut it entirely away with fear of what that touch could provoke in me. And all these sensations are so agonizing and strong, my eyes tear up out of frustration.
He moves again.
Oh my god, this is insupportable.
I want to cry.
Or ravish him.
Yes, definitely ravish him.
…
Is it just me or this room is boiling hot all of sudden?
He moves. Again.
For heaven's sake why can't he be still for two seconds?
Why am I inflicting myself this penitence?!
I want to go back to James' room…
No, actually, to be perfectly honest, I don't want to.
…
I wonder how many times he and Ginny were having sex per month…. Actually, in their case (opposite to my monthly/yearly basis) perhaps it was more correct do an estimate per week…. Oh my, could it be even per day?! No, probably not. They had children in the house anyway. And they both had requiring job.
Truth to be told, if I had him going around the house, I'd have chosen the daily plan, children or not, requiring job or not.
…
Maybe I should think to something else. Like… I don't know…. Come on Hermione, anything else! Think about that book you are reading about Rumanian's politics. What was the title?
…...
Could it be around Christmas time? … Yes, I definitely think it was Christmas' time the last time I had sex. Ron badgered me to death, and I complied. Now that I think of it, I could have enjoyed it a bit more all considering.
…..
Ok this is getting ridiculous! There is a limit to what a woman can bear while sharing a bed with a super-hot man and I definitely surpassed it.
I'm going to sleep on the armchair.
And while I'm meditating on how to extricate myself without waking him up, I realise that he is awake too. How did I realise it? Well, his body was still very adherent to mine, and something had changed in him. I could sense it quite well.
With the moment of realisation, I perceive him easing himself up on one elbow. His hand is on my waist and quickly under my nightshirt. He let it move on my torso and this is so similar to what happened in the past that I know how is going to end. I must stop him right now.
However, I'm strong enough only to utter feebly his name.
He shushes me and I close my mouth obediently. I had no voice left to say anything else anyway.
Two seconds later (through no fault of my own, I swear) I find myself eased from all my night garments and him all over me, two more seconds and he is naked too (there I wasn't that faultless). His hands lewdly exploring my bare skin, mine, tremulously, daring to do the same, for the first time in my life I thank heaven to have been born a woman because if I was a man the risk of everything ending before to start would have been great indeed. Moreover, I know, clearly and without any possible misconception, that I irremediably and utterly lost. I know that utter feebly his name was all I could do to stop him. I never had a chance to win this battle. I've been a loser from the beginning.
I'm sorry Ted, you warned me this was going to pass. I've been foolish in the extreme. I'm weak and I don't care what is going to happen, I'm ready to pay later for my shortcoming. Whatever the price will be, even a life and afterlife in hell, I'm sure it will be worth. I'm ready to burn myself. I want to burn myself.
Oh, I want it so much, I've wanted it for so long!
