Chapter 3:

Episodes 10-11

I just wanted to protect you then.

I just want to protect you still.

And there was nothing I could do to protect you from the child, was there?

The beast girl who could summon flames.

Young Takashima, Remi.

If there had been any way that I could have spared you of what you experienced with her, I would have.

But that? That was out of our hands. Out of your hands. Out of my hands. How could either of us have predicted such a thing? A child whose sole purpose was to create flames that ended up taking her own life? How could such a being have evolved when that very being put herself in danger, thanks to her own abilities?

How could evolution have allowed such a thing?

But it happened. I know I was callous when I spoke to you about the girl at the hospital. I knew that there was no way that a normal child could have survived such a fire.

And it wasn't a surprise for me, when the DBT was found.

I followed you out of the room. I saw how distressed you were. I know I should have been more delicate about what I said.

It made sense to me at the time. That it wasn't humane to keep the girl alive when she was completely burned and her family and home was destroyed.

But you were right. Remi was the one who had the only right to decide.

However, you saw the problem that was presented to us by general Yamazaki, didn't you?

The higher ups wanted to keep the girl alive, as a guinea pig. That isn't just risky, having a child with the potential for a temper tantrum, but it's cruel too.

But…I don't know what we could have done differently.

If there was something different that we could have done, Jun, what was it? Because I don't know.

And we had no way of knowing that the girl could summon fire herself.

Then it happened.

The girl set the hospital on fire.

Even I knew it would have been unforgivable to have said, "I told you so," so, I held my tongue on that.

When I saw the death and destruction she was capable of, I equipped you with the outfit to protect you somewhat from the fire. But my stomach was sinking the entire time you were in that building.

I held up a convincing stoic expression the whole time, but my stomach was sinking completely.

And then…well, you know all about what happened next.

I had never before come across a devilbeast like Takashima, Remi. I had no idea that things would end up that way.

I know I said that I don't think there was anything else we could have done, but still, I'm so sorry, Jun.

What you experienced in that hospital? Seeing the child die in front of you? I'm sorry.

When you came out, your skin was burning but healing up, and I saw your face. You were still crying.

When I felt that need again to take you into my arms, to comfort you? I think it just finally clicked how I felt for you.

But I fought that impulse.

When I wrapped a blanket around you, clenching my jaw at the sight of you weeping, at the sight of your burnt skin, I almost broke when I heard your words, "She crumpled apart in my arms. She died in my arms."

You think I don't have emotions? I almost cried out when I heard you say those words. A child suffering in that way, does move me, whether you believe it or not.

And to know you suffered as a result of it? If there was ever a time when I wished we could have done something differently, it was then.

I brought you back to your apartment, ignoring how I wanted to hold you and comfort you the whole time.

After I dropped you off, I was angry. Angry at myself for not being able to protect you more. Angry at myself for not holding you. Angry at myself for falling in love with you slowly and not even realizing it.

And I was angry at myself for falling in love with you in the first place.

Here I was, someone trying to keep humans from being killed by violent beasts, and I was falling in love with a devil woman?

I know that all of that is steeped in bias and prejudice, but at the time? I was frustrated. And…I don't know what else to tell you. Except that I was scared.

Yes, I know. I was scared of my own emotions.

I called you weak how many times? I'm sure the irony must be pleasurable right now.

But in any case, after seeing what you went through, witnessing Remi die horribly, I realized I was in love with you.

And it scared me.

I'm sure you can imagine how difficult it was for me to write this down. To admit how afraid I was.

And to admit that I'm in love with you.

Christmas arrived half a month later.

I knew you still were in so much pain over what happened to Remi.

I wish there was a way that I could undo it. But there isn't.

I just hoped that there wasn't going to be any beast attacks around that time. But well, you know all about that.

There was a beast. A chameleon. In a department store.

There were no reported deaths. Just disappearances. Specifically in elevators.

The store clerks, of course, were trying to cover their own tails, by keeping it quiet. But we found out.

When I told you about it in the movie theater, I was trying to ignore everything that had happened and what I was feeling. Tried to focus only on the mission at hand. Again, I know I was more callous than I should have been.

Then you did something that interested me, greatly.

You went to the department store, before our scheduled time.

Of all the department stores where you could have bought a gift for Kazumi, you went to the same department store where I told you the disappearances had taken place?

That wasn't a coincidence and we both knew it.

I had someone follow you-yes, I have people sometimes follow you, I'm sorry.

However, I'm glad I did that time. Because when I got there, I saw you going towards the elevator.

You think I don't know what you were doing there? Most likely trying to get rid of the threat before Christmas, so that you could spend Christmas with Kazumi.

And I know you denied it. But you have a certain look about you, when you are ready to hunt, Jun.

I've seen the look on your face before when you're hunting. It's the look of a predator, even if you try to tell yourself otherwise.

I knew you were there to hunt the beast.

It was why I stopped you.

I know I could have worded what I said to you in any other way, but to nearly expose beasts and devilmen alike, not to mention risk civilian casualties? You know we couldn't have allowed that.

And I admit, my jealousy got the better of me, when you mentioned Kazumi. I called her a "pet" again. I know I shouldn't have.

But I'll admit, seeing that flare in your eyes, when I did, was exciting. I couldn't help but wonder, would you ever attack me?

That might seem like a strange thing to write, when I am apologizing to you and explaining myself, but it's true.

I almost wanted you to lose control and attack me. Not because I wanted you to be punished for it, but because some part of me wanted to know what it felt like.

To be killed by the most dangerous being alive. And to be killed by the woman I love.

They say love is a dangerous thing. Never had I had the greatest proof of it until then.

I got you riled up for that reason, and while I shouldn't have spoken to you further in that callous way, about you coming to the department store to hunt, smirking the whole time as I said it, you were beautiful angry and ready for a fight. You're always beautiful. But seeing you that fired up was exciting for me, hope you can understand. I was still accepting that I fell in love with you.

When it was time to go to the department store, we arrived, and yes, I told everyone to stand by, in case anything went wrong.

Again, I spoke callously, but again, part of it was to keep you safe. When you fought that two headed dinosaur beast, you were almost killed.

Going into the fiery building to confront little Remi, had been unpredictable and there was no one who could have controlled that.

But fighting a beast one on one? That could be controlled. And I needed you safe. At that point, for a further reason, though I certainly wasn't going to tell you then.

It was exactly the reason why I cautioned you, when we went into the elevator, and you asked if it made a difference whether our opponent was cunning or cowardly. Regardless of which it was, we needed to be careful.

When we found the beast's lair, you know what we found. But still? Was I wrong to think the beast beyond recovery? Four bodies, Jun. Four dead people. Four people murdered. That we know of.

How many others do you think the beast killed? How many others do you think he would have killed if we hadn't shown up?

I know the beast yearned for the family he lost, but what did his victims have to do with that?

The chameleon beast was a psychopath, end of story. I stand by what I said before. It depends on who the person was before the beast transformation. And I suspect our murderous friend, the chameleon beast, had always had a murderer's heart, even before he killed his first victim.

Then all hell broke loose. The chameleon beast led us through the department store, knocking over a shelf and almost crushing me. You pulled me out of the way, saving me. Thank you, Jun. I know I never thanked you for that. But I am grateful. Thank you.

And then comes the part that I'm most ashamed of.

I threatened to shoot you if you were not willing to change into your devil woman form.

There's nothing I can say or do to make up for that. And there's nothing I can say that will excuse it, I know.

I tried to tell myself that you would heal up fast. That I was just doing it to protect you.

And I was, but nothing excuses that.

I was startled when you pushed my hand, holding the gun aimed at you, away.

You seemed startlingly calm, as if you were dealing with a child that was having a tantrum.

You went into your full devil form.

And I was sure that as soon as you grinned in that way I had become so familiar with, that you would be able to kill the chameleon.

I didn't expect what happened after the chameleon retreated and you followed it.

I followed you all the way up, of course.

You were faster than me because of your devil form, but I got there, armed and ready, in case anything went wrong.

And I was not ready for what I saw when I went up on the roof.

I apologize for a lot of how I acted that night, Jun.

But I will not apologize for the way I reacted when I saw you on the roof that night with the chameleon beast.

It's not just about him not having been human. He killed multiple people. He was a vile being from the beginning.

Can you not see that?

To see him, a huge chameleon beast, in the corner of the roof, and you having changed back into your human form? Small, vulnerable?

And you were touching him?

I will never apologize for shooting him. He could have killed you!

So, I emptied several rounds into him.

And when he started to take on the Giga Effect? I ordered him shot till he died, before he could achieve the full form of a beast affected by the Giga Effect.

And we watched as he fell into the large fan of the building, getting sliced up.

I know what happened to him saddened you, Jun. I'm sorry.

But I won't apologize for having shot at him.

He wasn't going to change back. And as soon as he understood this, do you think you would have been safe around him?

Do you think anyone would have been? How long do you think it would be, before he started to kill again out of frustration?

He was a serial killer, Jun.

You have such compassion for the beasts. But I know you have compassion for their victims too.

I saw you there, naked, most likely mourning for the life that was lost when the beast had turned into what he was.

I couldn't stand it. I wanted to take you into my arms, but I knew I couldn't. Not after what you had just seen me do.

Not after I threatened to shoot you, unless you changed into your devil form.

So, I did the bare minimum. I draped my jacket around your shoulders, and tried to console you.

You talked about the movie. About how at the end, the man who had turned into a beast had changed back and went back to his lover.

And you walked away.

It hurt. I wanted to be able to comfort you. And knowing that you had grasped onto the ending of the movie, desperate for a different ending in real life…I just didn't know what I could do.

It was Christmas, you were hurting and I couldn't do anything for you.

I love you. And I knew I loved you before we went to the department store to hunt the beast. And yet, there was nothing I could do, as far as I knew at the time. I know I shouldn't ask for any sympathy on your part, but I'm trying to explain some of my behavior later.