On Punching Gods and Absentee Dads

Enigmaris

Chapter 43: Father-Son Conversations

Summary:

Loki talks to Harry and helps him clear up all of the waters Dumbledore attempted to muddy.

Notes:

PhD applications are in! I am free! Here's an update to celebrate! Now I'm going to eat some orange chicken and relax!

Chapter Text

Loki was prepared for the knocking.

He opened his door and was unsurprised to see nothing standing in the entry way. He just shrugged theatrically, left a spot large enough for his son to sneak by beneath the invisibility cloak. Once he felt the air displace around him, he knew his son had gotten inside so he closed the door and let it lock with a snap of his fingers. Harry was already ripping the cloak off and rushing at him for a hug.

The force from his son's hug was enough to drive the air out of his lungs but Loki ignored that and focused on hugging his son back. Harry was shaking in his arms, a sensation Loki had never wanted to feel and never wanted to feel again.

"Oh what's wrong Starlight?"

Harry just shook his head and Loki frowned. His son wasn't crying so much as he was panicking. Loki carefully ushered his son over to the couch and got both of them situated as comfortably as he could while Harry was clinging to him.

What had happened?

Loki had no clue. All he knew was that his son had sent him a message with Hedwig saying he needed to talk to him tonight. So Loki had been prepared, he'd had a list of potential conversation topics. Perhaps his son had a new love interest? (or a first love interest, he had no clue if there was someone who'd already stolen his son's heart.) Maybe it was about that letter he'd received that morning? But no, something had clearly frightened his son. Loki asked if he was in pain, if it was a vision and Harry shook his head.

"Alright. Alright." Loki said. "We'll sit here for as long as you need."

As long as Harry needed ended up being about 20 minutes. They sat on the couch until Harry's shivers and gasps faded. Loki didn't let his son up though, just shifted around so that they were seated more comfortably, with Harry resting his head on Loki's shoulder.

"I talked to Dumbledore today."

"That bastar-"

"Dad." Harry sighed. "I can't…I can't do this if you're going to be angry."

Loki paused at that and then forcibly relaxed his body from where he'd stiffened up in outrage. Loki had made it very clear that Dumbledore wasn't meant to speak to Harry unattended, Harry had requested that specifically. Loki had no clue what sort of relationship Harry and Dumbledore had had before but it was obvious now that Harry didn't trust Dumbledore enough to be alone with him. And for good reason!

"I'm sorry." Loki said. "I'm not upset with you."

"I know I just…" Harry sighed. "It wasn't him that upset me. I mean it was at first but that's not why. He told me something that I needed to know, and he said some other stuff too but its not as important as what I need to tell you."

"Do you want to tell me about all of it?" Loki asked. "It might help?"

"Can I just…ask you some questions? He said some things and I know they're not true but I'm…I'm afraid they might be."

It would probably be simpler if Harry would just tell him his fears, but Loki could understand not wanting to be misled. It was probably hard enough as it was talking about it sideways like this. He nodded and snapped his fingers summoning two mugs of aesir tea for the two of them. Harry took his floating mug, sipped once, and then spoke.

"Do you think…Is forgiveness wrong?"

"Wrong?" Loki asked before shaking his head. "No. I don't imagine so."

"But you don't forgive people." Harry pointed out. "You haven't forgiven anyone as long as I've known you. You're still angry at Thor, Odin, Frigga, Dumbledore, Snape, Umbridge, and who knows who else."

"I've forgiven Thor." Loki argued.

"Does he know that?"

"I…alright point taken." Loki said. He and Thor hadn't really talked about their past, Loki had been more focused on the present, on his son, and he'd been willing to accept Thor's support without requiring the difficult conversations the two of them probably needed. "I'm not the forgiving sort."

"But why?" Harry pushed. "If it's the right thing, then why don't you do it? Why doesn't anyone?"

"People forgive."

"Do they?" Harry asked sitting up, sounding suddenly agitated. "Because other than me I've never seen anyone else bother with it! It feels like everyone else has figured something out that I haven't and that I'm just some stupid kid making dumb mistakes."

"Harry…"

"And why is forgiveness childish anyway? What's wrong with letting things go? Why do adults have to be angry and hate everything and everyone all the time?"

"We don't." Loki cut. "None of us have to do that. We chose to."

"But why?"

"Part of it is cynicism. It's difficult to forgive someone without allowing them the chance to hurt you again." Loki said. "My relationship with Odin is like that. He broke my trust severely and I fear that if I forgave him, he'd do it all over again. I hold that grudge to protect myself. Yes, maybe I'd be happier and freer if I forgave Odin and reunited my family but maybe, maybe it would break my heart all over again. I don't know and because I don't know I don't forgive."

Harry finally looked at him, his green eyes sharp and only slightly wet. Loki continued. He reached out and took one of his son's hand in his own, letting his own mug float next to him.

"Forgiveness is also hard. Forgiving Thor, fully and completely, would mean talking to him about it. Thor and I have never been good with those sorts of conversations so I let our hurt feeling festers rather than doing the difficult work needed to truly heal it." Loki said. "And then there are people like Dumbledore and Tom Riddle."

"What about them?" Harry asked.

"Some people don't deserve compassion Harry."

His son flinched at that and Loki frowned.

"But how can you know that?" He asked. "How can you be sure?"

"Dumbledore has caused you untold amounts of harm. His decisions have harmed so many and he doesn't seem to feel any regret. What about that screams deserving of compassion?"

"The Dursleys didn't think I deserved compassion."

"They were wrong."

"How do you know you're not?"

"Don't conflate the two." Loki said, perhaps a bit more sharply than he intended. His son looked away. Loki reached out and moved his chin so that he was looking Loki in the eye again. "We are two beings capable of logical thought. You and Dumbledore are in no way moral equivalents. Dumbledore is an adult man with over a century of experience to teach him that abusing children is wrong. You were a child in need of protection who was abused. It's not the same. You don't think it is, what do you really fear?"

"What if I choose not to forgive someone and they could have been better?" Harry asked. "What if I'd not forgiven Draco? What would have happened to his mum or him? And I don't want to be angry and hurt all the time dad. I just…I'm so tired sometimes dad. I'm tired."

He sounded tired. The fire in his voice fading to something that sounded weary and old. Like Odin old.

"I was angry at you." Harry said. "And I punched you but it didn't help. I felt awful after. Anytime I try and think about Tom or Dumbledore I just…I'm tired. And Dumbledore made me feel bad about forgiving people. He made me feel small and stupid and I just…I don't even know what I'm meant to do."

"I won't say something silly like follow your heart." Loki said making Harry snort. "I will tell you something though."

"What?"

"You can forgive someone while still punishing them. It's not a black and white choice between forgiveness and condemnation, there's a third option."

Harry turned then and looked at Loki with a question in his eyes.

"If a child misbehaves and breaks a vase, a parent will probably ground them for a day or two. They might even be upset if the vase was important. But they'll forgive the child while also delivering a punishment to fit the infraction." Loki explained. "Do you think Molly Weasley doesn't forgive Fred and George for their daily nonsense, even as she punishes them for doing it?"

"Oh." Harry said.

"You can forgive whomever you want Harry." Loki said. "It's probably better for you to let go of that anger, to let yourself heal in a way I'm much too cowardly to do for myself. But that doesn't mean that people who do the wrong thing shouldn't be punished. They should. Justice has to be served to those who are wronged just as mercy should be offered to all who want it."

"But what's the difference between judgement and revenge?"

"Timing, I think. Justice is generally swift you know. Justice also usually goes along with the law while revenge doesn't. What I did to Umbridge, that was revenge. What will happen to her when she confesses to her crimes will be justice."

"How can I have justice then?" Harry asked. "Dumbledore didn't break any laws he just… said things. Is anything I do against him revenge? How can it be right?"

"Sometimes revenge is justified Starlight." Loki said. "It's okay to be angry. That's not a sin."

"I don't like it." Harry said. "It feels…dirty."

"I don't know what part of your life lead you to dislike your own feelings but I'd ask you to do your best to ignore it. Bruce Banner ignores his anger and you can see what sort of complex he has going on."

That actually made Harry laugh, a real laugh, that relaxed Loki far more than anything else could have. His son leaned back against the couch, when the laughter faded a frown returned to his face.

"I want to do the right thing. I know Dumbledore and Tom will hurt more people if left alone. They'll hurt me again. They'll hurt anyone they can find but I just…I don't want to hurt anyone. I never want to." Harry said. "I even argued for mercy for Peter Pettigrew! He didn't deserve it! But he got it and he used it to resurrect Tom!"

"This is never going to be easy to figure out. That's part of being an adult." Loki tried to comfort.

"Well I hate it."

"I don't blame you." Loki said. "But I can promise you that I will always be here to offer my advice. You can ask any of the Avengers too, ask as many people as you trust, good people, and from there you can make your own choice."

Harry nodded and fell silent, thoughtful. Eventually he changed the topic by telling Loki about the letter from the goblins and how he'd need to move his training day so that he could not start another goblin war. Loki didn't think it was that serious, but he agreed that attending the goblin meeting took precedence. He'd send a message to Tyr and explain, and they could do the training on Sunday instead.

The conversation meandered around what Asgard was like for Loki growing up. Loki waxed old about his childhood training and the feasts and the adventures he'd gone on as a young prince. At first Harry had listened intently but Loki could tell his mind was still mulling over something else.

"Do you think I'd be different if you'd raised me on Asgard?"

"Of course." Loki said, which was the wrong thing to say because Harry immediately frowned. "That's not to say I don't like you as you are but you'd have had an entirely different upbringing, some things would be different."

"Good different or…"

"Just different. You might have a different favorite sweet for example." Loki said, deciding not to point out that Harry would be extremely different if he'd been raised in a home that didn't abuse and starve him.

"Dumbledore…he said being on earth was good for me. It made me kind that I wouldn't have been if you'd taken me."

"Dumbledore is not a seer." Loki said as calmly as he possibly could. "Nor does he get to take any credit for how wonderful you are."

"'M not."

"You are." Loki insisted. "You are an absolute wonder, and that's not because of Dumbledore's choices, that's despite it."

"You think?"

"I know." Loki reached out and gave his son's shoulder a squeeze. "Dumbledore's choices put you in some terrible positions in life and that could have made you a very bitter hateful young man. You chose to be better despite that. There's so much goodness in you Harry, so very much, and whether you lived on earth, on Asgard, or even Hel, that would still be there. Dumbledore is lucky you're as lovely as you are, and he doesn't get to claim that it was due to him. That was all you and none of him."

"Yeah." Harry said. "I guess you're right. It would've been nice too…being safe as a kid."

"Yes. Yes it would have."

Harry smiled a little, the weight having been lifted at least for a time. Loki knew things were far from resolved but he also wasn't so foolish as to believe one conversation would heal his son of his various complexes. The point was that Harry had come to him about it instead of stewing over it on his own. That was true progress he could thank the norns for. They went back to sipping their tea, Harry asked Loki about his classes and how the other professors were. Loki asked Harry about his school work and his assignments.

He felt like a dad then.

It was a very good feeling.

The night grew longer, and Harry seemed to have relaxed entirely. Problems with Dumbledore and the goblins forgotten. Well Harry had forgotten them. Loki hadn't. He would be talking to Dumbledore about them once his son had gone to bed. Oh yes, they would talk. Loki replaced the tea with aesir biscuits that his son was more than happy to have a large portion of.

"Was that all you needed to talk to me about?" Loki pushed.

"Oh. No." Harry said. "Dumbledore wanted to talk about me about how Tom had become immortal."

"So he had a reason other than to ruin your day."

"Yeah. Have you ever heard of horcruxes?"

"No." Loki said. "It might surprise you but as a god I haven't really had the need to study immortality methods."

Harry snorted as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a book, it had been shrunk but with one shake it elongated itself to the proper size. Harry carefully opened the book to the page he'd left a bookmark in.

"I stole this from Malfoy Manor. I thought it might have some clues since a lot of books Tom used to have were left in Lucius Malfoy's care. Dumbledore told me what Tom had done and I found this here. Look."

Loki took the book and began to glance at the words. Then when his mind actually caught up to what he was looking at he started to actually read. He read the first page, once, twice and then again. Then he turned the page, his mind racing as he considered the horrific implications of what had just been revealed. Harry was sipping on tea and clearly trying to remain calm.

"I'm sorry you had to read this. No wonder you were…disturbed when you came here."

"Why would anyone do that? Split their own soul."

"I don't know. I can't imagine it."

"And how many times did he do it?" Harry asked. "I already destroyed one, with the diary in my second year but he had to have made more, he was still able to resurrect himself. He's still here. And he always will be if we can't find them all. He could have made thousands, dad, millions. Spread his soul out like sand on a beach!"

"No. No." Loki said shaking his head. "A soul can only be split so many times."

"Really?"

"Yes. I've studied soul damage like this, although it was never purposeful." Loki said. "From what I can recall a soul can't be split into more than nine pieces. After that the soul pieces will begin to disintegrate. Tom can't have created more than eight. One soul piece is in him, one was in the diary, that means there are no more than seven we have to find."

"But they could be anywhere or anything."

"Don't panic. We'll find them." Loki said. "I think it's time we set up a meeting with Eir. She'll be able to help us figure out a way to track the pieces. She's the best soul magic user in the nine realms."

"Okay." Harry said, calming himself with Loki's promise. "Okay."

"We're going to figure this out. This is a good thing."

"A good thing?"

"Yes. Now we have a plan. Talk to Eir, find the horcruxes, destroy them, and then Tom Riddle will be mortal."

"You're right." Harry said. "We have a plan."

"That's more than we had this morning." Loki said. "Now you should head to bed Starlight. I'm going to read a bit more in this, see if I can't start designing some sort of tracking spell on my own."

It took a bit longer and one more hug before his son left but Loki was more than happy to let Harry linger. Eventually though, his son yawned a few too many times and was forced to don his cloak and sneak back to Gryffindor Tower. Once he was sure his son was gone, Loki made his own way to the headmaster's office. He didn't bother speaking the stupid password at the statue. He glared at it, a threat in his eyes, and the staircase opened without much fight.

He glided up the stairs, his footsteps silent and all the more menacing for it. When he got to the top he was unsurprised to find Albus waiting for him.

"Give me one good reason not to kill you where you stand." Loki snarled.

"It would disappoint your son."

"He'd get over it." Loki snarled. "I told you not to talk to him."

"You can't keep him from his destiny."

"You are not his destiny old man."

"No. But I know what is."

"You know nothing."

"I know what his scar is."

Loki paused at that. Albus was staring at him, intricate wand pointed at Loki's chest. Loki's magic still flamed, bright green and deadly in his hand.

"Think about it, James. It connects him to Tom. It gave him abilities that are normally only passed through bloodlines. Almost as if a piece of Tom got left behind that night."

"No."

"Yes." Albus said, his voice gentle and damning all in one. "Neither can live while the other survives."

"That's not…it isn't…"

"You've tried to remove the connection, but you couldn't. You can't. Magic like that isn't undone no matter how accidental."

"You're lying!"

"Am I?"

"You can't make a horcrux accidentally! You need to prepare the object! You need to…to eat the heart of a victim!"

"You probably didn't check Lily's body, but I did." Dumbledore said. "Her heart was gone, an empty hole in her chest. She gave it up to protect Harry from Tom, a heart consumed and with her magic lingering in her son, that was all the preparation needed. Tom's soul was already shredded enough that the blocked killing curse was enough to make one more."

Oh, Harry you have your mother's heart.

Loki gagged a little and Albus didn't go further. It took Loki longer than he would have liked to get himself under control, but he managed it. He straightened up and sent Albus a cold glare.

"You're still wrong." Loki said.

"Am I?"

"My son isn't going to die."

"Then neither shall Tom."

"We'll see about that."