On Punching Gods and Absentee Dads
Enigmaris
Chapter 54: Lily's Jaunt
Summary:
Lily has three very important conversations the day after the final battle but only remembers two of them.
Notes:
Hey everyone! We're really wrapping up here. This has been such a wild ride. I believe there will be one more chapter after this, with potentially a short epilogue so get your tissues together!
Chapter Text
"Hello Lily."
"Death." She said trying not to show her shock.
She was back in the park, the park she had been stuck in for years as she watched her son grow without her. With the honey taste in the air and the pleasant breeze she'd started to hate. She was back here? She couldn't have…no she was alive now surely and-
"Don't be afraid." Death said. "You are not dead."
Death stood in front of her, a woman who looked mostly human with dark skin and gleaming eyes, in her hands she held a scythe.
"But-"
"I brought your soul here temporarily, in much the same way your son's soul was connected here, to speak with you."
"Oh." Lily said. "Is this about…"
"Your son tricking me? Yes." Death answered, her voice only slightly tight. "I do not like when souls are taken from my care, you gave up your life in a magical sacrifice, it is my right to have your soul now. Your son pulling you back was not expected. I have never had a soul taken from me once it had entered my domain as yours had."
"Are you going to kill me?" Lily asked.
"I considered it." Death said honestly. "But no. Not yet."
"Why?" Lily asked.
"The last goddess of death went mad." Death answered. "She was driven that way by a lack of good parental guidance and isolation. You son has the potential to be a great tool for me and for the balance of the universe. I don't wish to replace him so soon, it would be inconvenient."
"So, you're letting me live because it's convenient."
"For now." Death warned softly. "You living is convenient now. That is what I wish to discuss, what you will need to do for me to remain in your body."
"Are you extorting me?"
"If you wish to see it like that, then yes."
"Fine. What's the deal?"
"Your son's emotional state must remain balanced. He requires influences in his life that will ensure he uses his new powers responsibly." Death said. "As long as you remain such an influence, I will not claim your soul, of course you will still need to consume an apple to keep your body from aging and rotting, but you will not die."
"So, you want me to be his mother."
"I want you to be a good mother." Death corrected. "And if it becomes clear you are not able to do that, then your soul will be forfeit."
"Oh."
"Do you accept my deal or shall I reap you now?"
"No. No. I accept." Lily said. "I'm just wondering, my body feels…heavy."
"That will pass as your soul adjusts." Death said. "Your soul was not meant to go back but with my permission and aid you will normalize back to living in time."
"Okay. Good." Lily said. "Thank you for…not killing me."
"Do not disappoint me, Lily Evans Potter." Death said. "I will return you fully to your body now, you will not remember this."
"If I can't remember this how am I meant not to disappoint you?"
"That is not my problem."
Lily woke, not remembering the sugary sweet taste of her dreams.
She'd always been a light sleeper, slow to sleep and quick to wake. Her mother used to say that the reason she was always awake was because she was frightened of missing out on something exciting, so much so that even asleep her body was prone and ready to spring up in the event of something worthwhile. Lily didn't know how much she agreed with that, but all she knew was that she was awake now and wasn't likely to fall asleep again. Sharing a bed with both her son and her husband on her first night of being alive wasn't necessarily conducive to sleeping deeply. She had a feeling she'd only slept as much as she had because coming back to life was exhausting.
Slowly she slipped out from between Harry and James, carefully placing a kiss on both of their foreheads, whispering a spell into their brows that would let them keep sleeping. She found James' quills and parchment and wrote out a small note letting them know she was going to get everyone breakfast and not to worry. She knew they'd probably worry anyway but she couldn't lay down now that she was awake, and she couldn't bare to wake them yet either.
She left the note where she was sure they'd see it and then used magic to conjure up an outfit. Sure she could put on the robes she'd been wearing the day before, but those had been the robes she'd been buried in and she didn't think she ever wanted to touch that outfit again. Sure conjuring clothing wasn't ideal, the fabric was always itchy, but it would have to do until she could go shopping.
Once Lily was dressed, wearing a pair of James' boots with the jeans and t-shirt she'd conjured up just for the occasion, she went on her way. It occurred to her as she walked through the castle that her outfit was about 15 years out of date, when she'd last been alive many women her age had been wearing flannels around their waist with wide jeans and trainers. It was odd to be in this body again. She'd been 22 when she died and this body was just as young even if her soul had continued age terribly as she watched over her son. It almost didn't feel like she and her body fit anymore.
Yesterday her body had felt heavy, as if it was pushing down and constricting her. That had faded overnight but now her body felt young, out of time. Around her everything had aged, she could no longer cradle her son on her hips. The trees on the grounds of Hogwarts were thicker and larger, the stones beneath her feet just a bit more worn. The world had moved on, her soul had watched it all, the only thing that wasn't with the program was her body, a body that was missing fifteen years of experiences.
She hoped that would fade too. It might help of course if she had clothing that was relevant to the decade she was in. She readjusted the flannel tied around her waist and made her way through the school. Some students were already up, not surprising as it was breakfast time. They all looked at her in awe, whispering to each other about her into one another's ears. They had done the same to her son more times than she could count. She smiled and waved at them trying not to show her discomfort with the attention.
She decided against going to the feasting hall, lest she be mobbed again by the people who'd been mourning her. She'd go to the kitchens and ask the house elves to do something up for her and her family. A nice giant breakfast in bed sounded lovely. Just as she was passing the second floor she heard a familiar voice from down a hallway.
"I do not care." Severus snarled. "I will be leaving now."
Oh.
Lily paused. Just down that hallway was Madam Pomphrey's infirmary.
"Severus Snape you will do no such thing! You were severely magically drained, I cannot allow you out of that bed!"
Slowly Lily began walking towards the infirmary. She hadn't spoken to Severus since their fifth year. She'd blatantly refused to speak to him after that last fight, for the entire year she'd been feeling more and more upset with her best friend. He'd been messing around with dark magic and spending time with known Death Eaters. It had frightened and worried her, she'd begged him to stop all of that, but he hadn't and when he'd called her that all those years ago, she'd realized that Sev wasn't her friend anymore.
She wasn't like Harry in some ways. Harry had seen a boy his age, an enemy and bully, who was an active Death Eater and extended a hand of mercy. Lily had seen her best childhood friend become radicalized to a dangerous cult-like ideology that believed she should be enslaved or killed over the course of a school year and decided to cut ties. It had hurt her then but it had been obvious what Sev had chosen, he'd chosen the Dark Lord over her and those two things could not be together. Sev couldn't have her and his ideology, his ideology was that people like her should be destroyed.
She stopped inside the doorway of the infirmary to see Pomphrey pushing a sickly-looking Severus back onto the bed. He looked old, as old as she felt. The infirmary was fuller than normal, plenty of injured fighters from their side laying in beds with curtains pulled around them for privacy. She'd no doubt that Poppy had had to activate the silencing charms to keep Sev from waking up the rest of the injured.
"Hello Poppy." Lily said softly making both the healer and Sev freeze.
"Lily." She said, turning and leaving a stunned Sev in bed. "Are you alright? I was told you'd seen a healer yesterday and been given a clean bill of health. If there's something wrong with you then tell me right away and we'll fix you up."
"I'm fine." She said smiling. "I admit I'm still feeling a bit…odd but I think that's just natural for someone in my situation."
"I don't think there's much natural or normal for your situation Miss Evans." She said wryly making Lily laugh lightly and agree.
"I just came over because I heard a bit of commotion." She said motioning over to the statue like potions master. Poppy sighed.
"The Dark Lord drained all of his marked followers of their magic." Poppy explained. "Only the strongest ones with the larger cores survived the onslaught and they are all bedridden, Severus here believes he's fit to teach and take care of himself despite being unable to stand."
"That sounds like him." Lily said. "I'd suggest just tying him to the bed."
"I might just have to." She said. "Would you mind keeping him here for a moment? I need to go check on a few of my more serious cases."
"I can do that." She answered despite knowing it probably wasn't a good idea but Poppy was already thanking her and moving towards some of the private rooms on the other end of the infirmary. She watched her go with a sigh. "Still overworking herself I see. They really should hire a few others to work with her with the amount of injuries students get."
"Lily." Sev said, his voice hoarse.
She glanced over at him, her green eyes cold. She found herself folding her arms across her chest as her jaw hardened.
"I…"
"Sev, do you really want to have this conversation now?" She asked, motioning at his weakened body. He was only really sitting up because of the pillows fluffed up behind him, but his dark eyes were staring at her so desperately. "You should know I'm furious with you."
"Of course, but you're…you're alive."
"I know who told Voldemort the prophecy Sev." She said, making him flinch.
"Lily I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you."
"You became a Death Eater Sev!" She shouted, her voice slapping against the stone walls of the infirmary. "Don't you dare tell me you never meant to hurt me."
"I was angry at muggles." He defended. "At my father! At your sister! It was never meant to…"
"Death Eaters don't cheery pick the mudbloods they want to keep around Sev." She snarled. "Or maybe they do? Was that the plan then? Let Voldemort kill my son and husband and take me in as your dutiful wife? As your mudblood whore?"
"No. Lily that wasn't-"
"Yes, it was! What the hell else would you begging Voldemort to spare me have meant?"
"I just wanted you to be safe! Even if you never loved me, I wanted you safe."
"Oh Sev." She said. "Of course, I loved you."
That seemed to have stunned him and she sighed, leaning more firmly against the stones behind her. Around them the air was still. They were doing this apparently.
"I never stopped loving you." She repeated. "Even now I couldn't stop myself from coming in here when I heard your voice."
"Then why did you marry him?"
"And not you?" She asked, she didn't wait for him to confirm or deny her question. She just kept pushing through. "Because I never loved you like that Severus."
"I don't understand."
"You were my family Sev." She said. "My sibling. You were the family that understood me, that supported me when Tunie stopped. I lost a sister and my parents, but I thought it would be okay because you were there, I still had my brother. Do you know how much you hurt me when you started hanging out with those Death Eaters? When it turned out you didn't love me like I loved you?"
"I loved you. Of course, I loved you. I just wanted more."
"You decided being the most important person in my life wasn't enough." Lily said harshly. "You put a romance that never existed over our real relationship. I wouldn't have been mad at you if you'd loved me romantically, it would have been awkward, it would have hurt, but we could have moved on from that. On top of that you joined a cult that wanted to kill people like me and then while in that cult you directly contributed to my murder."
Sev flinched at that and Lily told herself not to feel bad.
"You killed me." She repeated, her voice taking on a sharp sarcastic edge. "And then in an effort to atone you bullied my son, the baby I died to protect. Yes, of course you loved me, I can't think of a more loving action. I mean really! Embarrassing my son in front of all of his peers for years, that's practically shouting your love for me from the roof tops! When I saw you attacking Harry's mind over and over again under the guise of Occulmency training, I thought to myself now I know it's true love."
"Lily. I love you."
"Yeah well you've done a piss poor job showing it for the past 2 decades." She said. "And what's the point of love if it's not shown?"
"I changed! I defected from the Dark Lord and risked my life for years spying for the Order."
"Do you regret becoming a Death Eater or were you only upset that I got hurt?" She asked. "Because if you regretted becoming a Death Eater you wouldn't have-"
She stopped at his face. She pinched the bridge of her nose as frustration oozed out of every one of her pores.
"I want to punch you in the face or hex you or something Sev." She said. "But you're bedridden and even I'm not that vindictive."
"Your son forgave me."
"Harry is a kind, lovely soul that you abused, how he decides to deal with your treatment of him is up to him. He forgave you for what you did to him, that doesn't mean I have to do the same."
"But I changed."
"Severus." Lily said. "You grew into a man who bullies children and that is not the boy who befriended me years ago. That's not the you I'd want to be around even now. Besides, you haven't atoned for what you did to me Severus, you just suffered and became harder. That's not redemption."
And finally, he was silent Lily sighed to herself at his stunned and pained face. How was it that through it all she still cared for him?
"I imagine you assumed that if you suffered enough then it would make you forgivable." She said. "But that's not how it works, not when you spend so much of your time spreading that suffering. I won't forgive you for those occulmency lessons. You attacked my son, even when it became clear your method of teaching him wasn't working you kept pushing him and hurting him. That isn't changing Sev, at least not in the way that matters."
"So, what then? All of this was for nothing?"
"If you see it that way then it's obvious why I'm not forgiving you, now." Lily stood up and spoke. "I don't think we should talk again, not for a long time, if ever. And if you take this out on my son or my husband, you will not like what I do to you."
"You said now." He said, grasping for any hope he could. "Lily."
"Goodbye Sev."
She couldn't give him hope, she didn't want him to become a better person for her. She wanted him to change for him. If she told him that if he acted in a certain way then she'd give him what he wanted, then it would be her manipulating him. She wanted him to heal, to grow, for himself. Not for the love she could never truly give him. She left him lying there, her soul feeling even older in a body that was still painfully young.
Lily was able to get down to the kitchens to order food to be sent up to James' rooms without much more problem. However, going back up to James' rooms ended up being a bit of trouble. Trouble in the form of her brother-in-law.
"Lily!" Thor boomed, his face breaking out into a delighted grin.
"Thor." She said.
"Where is my brother and nephew?"
"Still asleep." Lily answered. "I think they're both a bit worn out."
"Ah." Thor nodded. "That makes sense, becoming a god is not easy on the body."
"Right." Lily said. "I'm about to head up there with breakfast so…"
"I wanted to speak to you." Thor said. "Or rather, my father and mother want to meet you before going back to Asgard. Please don't punch either of them."
"I'm not sure I should meet them without James." Lily said, not promising anything about the punching just yet.
"It's not bad." Thor insisted. "They just want to introduce themselves."
"Fine but if something goes wrong I'm blaming you and you can deal with James' fit."
Thor agreed to her terms and then led her to another part of the castle where the various fighters who had come to witness the final battle were staying. The Avengers were there along with a few mildly injured Order members, Sirius, Remus and a fair amount of Asgardians. She found the royal couple sitting down for breakfast, they were both relatively uninjured, although Lily didn't know if that was because they'd been uninjured in the fight or if they'd been healed.
"Mother, father." Thor said. "I found Lily, Loki's wife."
Odin and Frigga both looked up. Frigga had a look of delight on her face as she clasped her hands in front of her chest and beamed at Lily. Odin looked far less enthused. It took Lily a moment to understand the dread she saw in his face. Lily kept herself from rolling her eyes.
"It's nice to meet you both." She said. "And All-Father, I think Harry did my job for me when it came to defending James' honor. I won't be doing anything to do you as long as you don't go back on your word."
She finished that with a flinty look in her eye, the threat clear in her eyes about what she would do if Odin slipped. Because she would hurt him, and she wasn't going to play around with the kid gloves like Harry did. She'd seen her son's and Odin's first conversation, she knew what Harry had done and while it was not what she would have done, Harry had taken Odin to task and gotten him to change his behavior. That was what mattered. Odin slumped forward in relief before he could hide his true reaction, which made both Frigga and Thor titter.
"I won't." Odin said. "I have been attempting to atone for my mistakes, Harry made it clear how my actions had harmed my family and the nine realms. Loki and mine's relationship isn't perfect yet but…I wanted to ensure you and I started on the right foot, for Loki."
"For Loki." She agreed with a smile. "Let's get along perfectly."
And after that it was much easier to get to know Odin and Frigga. She told them how she and James met, and how he eventually convinced her that he wasn't totally awful. It made them laugh and it made her smile. When she finished, Frigga sighed almost forlornly.
"Oh, I wish we could have attended the wedding." She said. "A celebration of love this strong is something so beautiful to witness."
"Ah well." Lily said. "James and I didn't have a wedding. With the war going on there wasn't time, we got married with just a couple of witnesses, you really didn't miss much."
And Frigga suddenly looked very, very dangerous.
"Oh really?" She asked. "How interesting."
Lily sent a mental apology to her sleeping husband, things were about to get very intense. The goddess of marriage was on the hunt after all.