I can't believe coach Beiste and Mr. Schue are allowing this crap to happen. These guys from the team are just too stubborn and ignorant to ever get it – Cheesus knows how I've tried for like a year to change things. But I never could, and now they're putting us all in the same room – for a whole week?
They honestly think making the whole football team join Glee Club for a week is gonna help make anything better? I mean it'd be great if it could… It'd surely make my life a hell of a lot easier. But these two worlds, maybe they were just never meant to be.
Right then as if to prove my point, there goes Azimio running his mouth with his stupid comments about wearing dresses and singing show tunes, like we do so much more than sing show tunes! "Do you even have any idea what we do in here?"
Glad Mr. Schue jumped in to have my back. "No. None of them do. We have to show them. Rachel, Puck, haven't you guys been working on something? Why don't you give it a whirl?"
Wait what? Rachel and Puck…? Sure. Well isn't this just great.
Why the hell is Puck singing with Rachel? Isn't it bad enough he stabbed me in the back again and made out with her? Actually I'm not sure which of them I should be more pissed at. I guess Puck didn't learn a damn thing after last year when I went all Braveheart on his face. He obviously doesn't give a crap about our friendship.
And Rachel… dammit. She already crushed me once on purpose. Now what, she's trying to do it again, in front of the whole damn club this time? Why? Is this her way of getting back at me, since everyone knew about Santana and me before she did?
Okay it's true that she's been doing nothing but follow me around like a sad little puppy begging for forgiveness all these weeks and I've just been blowing her off. And breaking up with her over and over. Like, doesn't she know how that sucks for ME to have to keep telling her no and go away? I never thought I'd ever have to say that stuff to her… I never wanted to. But she brought this on herself.
Like, I put my whole reputation on the line just to be with her and in Glee. She was supposed to be different, more special than anyone. I might never admit it out loud to anyone, but she's the biggest reason I stayed with Glee, came back after quitting more than once. Fought against Quinn and ridicule from the whole football team.
Doesn't she understand how much crap I had to take just to be part of HER world? I mean yeah I liked being there and I enjoy performing a lot… but enough to put up with daily slushies? I was totally willing to take the heat though, because she was worth it. She doesn't know what it's like to take the kind of harassment like I've had, to be the leader of a team, most of whom have no respect for you because they think what you're doing is gay and embarrassing to them. Which is just stupid and like, homophobic but whatever. It's still a lotta shit I've put up with to be with HER.
I don't think she really gets how bad she hurt me. Can't she understand how much I loved her and how, of all the guys in the whole school, choosing PUCK to play out some stupid revenge scheme was like the WORST thing she could've ever done? No, she knew. She knew exactly what she was doing, it's why she chose him. She knew it would do the most damage and hurt me worse than anything. Of course she knew. We'd talked about how I felt after the whole babygate thing. I didn't speak to him for months because of it. Yeah, Rachel knew exactly what she was doing when she chose Puck. She wanted to cut me deep… and too bad for her, she got exactly what she wanted.
Okay fine, so it was just a kiss, it's not like she slept with him and got knocked up and tried to pass the kid off as mine. But y'know, that kiss still hurts more anyway, because I loved her more – more than I ever loved Quinn. More than.. well, anything. I trusted her more… I trusted her with my heart, to never hurt me the way Quinn did. But she turned out to be even more cold hearted than Quinn, didn't she?
Well… okay I guess making out with some dude isn't the same as sneaking around having cheating sex with my best friend and lying about a baby.
So fine, maybe I can forgive the kiss and I can almost understand why she did it… almost. But the Puck thing, I don't know what to do with that. Sure, I know they dated before – although, it just grosses me out to think about that. Okay yeah, I was with Quinn at the time and yeah I thought we were having a baby together so it shouldn't have mattered what Rachel did or who she did it with. But I still didn't like it, even if I couldn't act on my feelings for Rachel at the time.
No. I didn't like it then. And I like it even less now. Yeah. Now... after I broke up with her, and I once again have no right to be upset by anything Rachel does. Just like she had no real right to be so upset with me over Santana, surely not enough to do what she did.
Alright… maybe her kissing him wasn't as much over the fact that I slept with Santana as the fact that I did lie to her about it. Twice. But she lied to me too, about sleeping with Jesse! Or well, about not sleeping with Jesse... Which, I guess isn't really as bad as my lie, is it? Worst part of it is I'd rather that I hadn't slept with Santana, but there's nothing I can do about that now. And... Rach did eventually tell me the truth about her and Jesse. Dammit why the hell didn't I just tell her my truth right then? We probably could've avoided all this crap.
Because I'm an idiot. I'm a coward. No I didn't really wanna fight about it or be yelled at, but mostly, I was afraid to hurt her… to lose her. I thought she'd leave me if she knew the truth.
And then I ended up throwing her away myself.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I always the one getting screwed over and humiliated and hurt? Like, I've tried to be a good guy, a good boyfriend. I don't cheat – well okay, except those couple times on Quinn. With Rachel. But that was just because I really… {{sigh}}
Okay I screw up sometimes. Still, why do all my girlfriends have to stab me in the heart? And with PUCK?! Always Puck! Like, what's so great about him anyway? He's a total womanizer and a man-whore. So what, girls just want the bad boy all the time?
Maybe I need to become a bad boy and they'll all want me instead. I'm the frigging quarterback, not Puck. I'm the male lead and co-captain in Glee, not Puck. If I could just hit it and quit it the way Puck does I wouldn't get hurt anymore. Chicks would be into me, and they'd know what to expect so my heart would be safe. Right?
Yeah. I see what Rachel's doing up there. She's all song flirting with him and giving him those same sexy bedroom eyes she usually only gives me when we sing together. So what, is she suddenly into him again? I mean, I didn't think so… like, just a few weeks ago she was all over me, begging my forgiveness and making fake Christmas tree wonderlands and singing sappy all I want is you for Christmas songs to me. And now she's what, like, throwing herself at another dude, right in front of me. UGH!
This is bullshit.
Right. It is bullshit. She doesn't like Puck, not like that. And I'm pretty sure he isn't into her that way either, I mean, Lauren is still around and he still seemed to be pretty into her. But okay I realize being into a girl isn't a requirement for Puck the sex shark. If they're willing, that's all the reason he needs. Nobody ever crushes his heart into tiny pieces and humiliates him and makes him wanna kick the hell out of chairs.
What am I even getting so worked up about? I broke up with her. She cheated on me, not the other way around. She shouldn't matter to me anymore, right? Isn't that what breaking up means? That you don't love someone enough to wanna be with them anymore?
Yeah I know. I can tell myself that all I want but.. But that's just bullshit too. Because sure, I do love her. But she hurt me, probably worse than anyone else ever has and more than maybe anyone else ever could. Because I loved her more than I've ever loved anyone. Much as I don't wanna admit it, I still love her, but… how can ever I trust her again? Right. I can't. If she cheated once, what's to stop her from cheating again?
Then again, it's not like she lied about kissing Puck or tried to hide it. She wasn't trying to be sneaky and pull the wool over my eyes. She did tell me the truth. And right before she confessed, she must have forgiven me for my lie since she said she loved me and we were still part of something special together.
Well if we're so damned special together, why did she do it in the first place? Why didn't she just talk to me, let me explain? She's the one who called that damn (pointless) couples counseling meeting with Miss Pillsbury and then she stormed out on me before I could explain anything to her! Then when I tried to call her after school she wouldn't answer the phone. And when I went to her house she wouldn't come to the door. (Yeah, that was super awesome, having to stand there while her dad interrogated me and looked at me like I WAS the scumbag, like I broke her heart.)
But… well, truth is I guess I did break her heart. My lie hurt her. Pretty bad probably. I mean it must have for her to want to take revenge on me and hurt me back, right? I know how she feels about Santana. I don't understand why Santana has to be such a bitch to everyone, but she really seems to be extra bitchy when it comes to Rachel for some reason. Maybe she's just jealous of Rachel's talent. And maybe she's even jealous of me and Rachel and how happy we are together... well, were.
There. That look she just gave me… she looked straight at me on that line 'I'm all alone and I need you now'... that was her talking to me, not singing a song. I've seen it enough times to know what she's really doing. So is this song just a big setup to get me jealous? It's Rachel, and she's all about the dramatics.. and she gets pretty desperate so.. Yeah it probably is. Unfortunately it seems to be working, just a little bit at least.
Saddest part in all of this is… I miss her. A lot. I'm already hurting from what she did to me, but now I'm hurting even worse being apart from her. Part of me just wants to forgive her, but then she turns around and pulls more crap like THIS, using Puck to make me jealous again. That's no different than kissing Puck to make me jealous, right? She's playing games. It isn't right. I deserve better than that… I deserve someone to just be true to ME and not break MY heart and not CHEAT with my so-called best friend… don't I?
She does look really pretty today. I really like the way she's been styling her hair lately too. Soft and wavy looking. I miss running my fingers through it, and the feeling of her hair tickling my chin. And the feel of her fingertips when she traces the freckles on my face. And her sweet little kisses on my neck, or the way she leans her head against my shoulder when we're in Glee and the smell of her perfume.
{{sigh}}
OK OK. The truth? I miss her. And I love her. And I hope one day… I hope I can learn to not be so pissed about what she did.. and I wanna be able to trust her again. But.. when I really think about it, Rachel has always been the most trustworthy person I've ever known. She's been the best friend I've ever had, and I honestly don't believe she'd ever really try to hurt me – not unless she thought I really hurt her I guess. But trust… did she actually break my trust in her?
True, she kissed Puck. But she did it as a reaction to something I did wrong first – the lie, not the sex. And my lie this time wasn't the same as the last time… my lie by omission about Quinn when I took Rachel bowling wasn't as bad as ACTUALLY lying and saying I didn't have sex with Santana (and then not coming clean with my truth when she told me her truth about Jesse).
She was willing to leave glee altogether the last time I lied… and glee is her whole world. And my lie by omission back then was just, not telling her about Quinn – my girlfriend at the time – being pregnant. So if she was willing to quit over something like that, I can only imagine what kinda hurt and anger she's feeling over this stuff with Santana now.
Yeah. I guess maybe I fucked up and hurt her first this time. And it wasn't even me who finally told her the truth this time – and THAT is probably what hurt her the worst of all. I guess if I really think about what this did to her, the humiliation in front of the whole club… everyone knew the truth except her. And now they know I lied to her about it too. Yeah, I've already been there. The last to know. The butt of the joke. And it was HER who helped me through it back then. It was HER who told me the truth. It was Rachel who cared that much about ME, to be sure I'd know the truth and I'd be okay. And this time? Aw man… I guess I'm the one who broke HER trust.
'I'll always be honest with you, painfully so. And all I ask in return is that you're just honest with me.'
Shit. I screwed up. I broke her heart AND I broke her trust – and I did it this time while we WERE a couple. Maybe I even broke her spirit a little. She hasn't been the same fireball in glee ever since. She's gotten quiet, which is NOT a thing you ever associate with Rachel Berry. She was right to feel hurt. She was maybe even right to wanna take it out on me. Dammit I.. yeah. I have to fix this with her. I have to apologize.
But I guess right now I have to help break up this big brawl happening between the glee kids and the football guys!
. . . . .
Standing here looking at this trophy case, I'm reminded of what the importance of teamwork means and what we can achieve together. Coming together, working toward a common goal… yeah it's great to have success and yeah it's super awesome to have everyone like, worship your victory and stuff and tell you how awesome you are. But all of that is second to how great it feels to know that you accomplished something together with people you care about, people you trust. People who care about and trust you. I miss being part of that.. Not just with glee. We were a team, me and Rachel. I want to be that way again. Maybe now she won't forgive me so easily but I have to at least try. I have to at least let her know that I understand now.
And here comes Puck. Great.
"We used to be best friends, before I got your girlfriend pregnant.. and then made out with your other girlfriend and– "
"Yeah." Thanks for the reminder, dude. Awesome.
Nice to see his visible cringe, but I don't hear an apology. "Anyways... I gotta be honest. I really want to win this game, and I figure it's the only way us Glee studs are ever gonna get any respect around here."
"What's your point?"
"My point is that none of that's gonna happen unless you and I become allies again, like Maverick and Iceman at the end of Top Gun."
"So why'd you sing that duet with Rachel?"
"Honestly, it was all her idea and she made me do it.. But it's just because she wanted to make you jealous… and I didn't mind helping because, well, I feel bad about my part in breaking you two up. But dude, I swear, nothing like that will ever happen again. You lead, and I got your back."
Whoa, finally… An apology? Puck never says he is sorry. To anyone. EVER. He must really feel bad this time – he never even apologized about banging Quinn behind my back last year – or hiding the fact that he was really the baby daddy.
"Well… why would you feel so bad about this crap with Rachel? You didn't seem to give a shit last year about what you did with Quinn."
"Dude? Neither did you.. You didn't really care about Q like that. Not like you cared about Rachel. You gonna try to tell me otherwise?"
Fuck. He has a point. Sort of. But it wasn't about keeping the girlfriend I already had, it was about being betrayed by my best friend and my girlfriend… the people closest to me screwed me over and lied about everything – that includes the entire Glee club. Well, all except for ONE.
"No."
"Okay so… can we just call a truce, and maybe.. Maybe try to be a team again?"
"Yeah. I can try anyway." I offered him a fist bump – y'know, a dude's way of saying we're cool without hugging or whatever.
He nodded and gave me a weird look like he wasn't sure if he wanted to say what he said next. "Cool bro. Thanks. So, ahh… What about you and Rachel? I mean, if you can at least try to be cool with me…"
"I'm working on it."
. . . . .
Two weeks later after all the craziness of winning the big game died down, I realized it was just time.
Rachel and the glee girls totally stepped up big time to help get us that victory. They were awesome, and I've been told it was all Rachel's idea to begin with for the girls to help. There's only ONE REASON in the entire world why she would have compromised her beliefs and risked her own safety, participating in a full contact football game like that ('Finn, it's a violent barbaric sport and I truly do not understand its appeal to you at all! It's dangerous and you could be seriously injured. This so-called sport should seriously be banned!').
She stopped chasing after me. Stopped begging for my forgiveness. Stopped apologizing. She's just... stopped. Ever since we broke up, at first I thought it was what was right for me. I needed to get away from her, the reminders of the hurt, the pain and the betrayal. Thought I had the truth on my side, because she cheated. Thought I would eventually forget about her. Thought I could just move on.
Then I realized how wrong I had it all figured, all the way back to the start. Back to the break up, but even before that. All she ever wanted was honesty – she said so at the very beginning. She didn't betray me… I betrayed her. But what she did still hurt me; whether I deserved it or not, it hurt like hell. So yeah, I needed time to sort out how I really felt… and she just wasn't giving it to me.
Now she's just stopped trying anything… which is weird. It feels wrong. It feels like she's giving up on me... on us. But it's given me all the time in the world to myself. Time to think. Time to get my feelings sorted out.
It hit me like a 300 lb linebacker and pulled me outta my sleep a few nights ago. She's always been there for me, no matter how many times I've ever hurt her, she's always forgiven me and taken me back. She's continued to be my friend even though I've lied to her, used her, taken her for granted, toyed with her feelings… so, if she can forgive all of that and still even want to be my friend, then she must really care about me. She must really love me.
Mr. Harris was talking about unconditional love in English Lit that same day before I thought about all of that stuff with Rach. I guess that's what she was always offering me all this time, isn't it? Rachel loves me, unconditionally. I've never mattered to anyone that much, except maybe my mom… and then suddenly I think I was having a panic attack or something, because the idea of never being with her again felt like never being able to breathe again. My stomach felt the way it feels on a roller coaster when you go down that first steep drop. I nearly called her at 3 in the morning just to hear her voice.
I really am an idiot. Before I had that realization, I thought I could just break up with her, heal my aching heart, keep my pride and move on. But after all these months, not only am I still not over her but I think I miss her more than ever. Especially now that she's just stopped… I'm slow, I know that. I just hope I'm not too late.
Then a couple days ago Mr. Schue assigned us to sing 'opposite songs', like, the guys should sing songs usually sung by girls and vice versa. He thinks it'll help us with our range and expressiveness for competition… sure, whatever.
It kinda worked in my favor though. I found a song that I know is one of Rachel's favorites, and it really fits how I'm feeling about us right now. I think it'll speak to her in a way my own stupid words (or lack thereof) usually fail to do.
So today in glee I told Mr. Schue I needed to sing something, because I had something important to say, and I needed everyone to hear me. But I looked at Rachel when I said that. So I stood up in front of the club and started singing (and I noticed the look on her face immediately – shock, then confusion, then a soft smile and her eyes misted over).
A clock ticks 'til it breaks your glass and I drown in you again
'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?
Walk on through a red parade and refuse to make amends
It cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense
Don't speak as I try to leave 'cause we both know what we'll choose
If you pull, then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you
I walked up in front of her – thankfully she was sitting in the front row today – and I kneeled down and took her hands to sing the rest of the song.
'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?
Why are you my clarity?
She leaned forward and gave me a weak hug when I was done, but I think it was a cover so she could whisper in my ear, "Should we talk?"
. . . . .
After glee, we walked over to the auditorium. It felt right to talk to her there. I mean, all our biggest moments seem to happen in that space, or on a stage. So why shouldn't this one too?
We sat in the first row audience seats. I was trying to decide how to begin, but she spoke first.
"Finn, your song was really really good…"
I wasn't really looking for a performance critique, but at least it was an ice breaker. "Thanks Rach, but um.. I - I need to ask you something. Have.. have you given up on me?"
The look in her beautiful brown eyes told me the answer before she ever said a word. "What? NO! I'd never give up on you Finn, of course I haven't. Why?"
I sorta half shrugged. "Well… it's just that you've stopped asking me to forgive you, and, you.. Well it seems like you're avoiding me all the time lately, so… I just wondered."
She was quiet for a long beat, wringing her hands together and dragging her mary janes on the floor making a scuffing sound. Without looking up at me she said "I.. I guess I figured you wanted space and were probably tired of me bothering you. You'd clearly wanted me to leave you alone and… well, I didn't wanna let go, but I decided it was time that I had to."
"Oh. Rachel, I.. I don't want you to leave me alone."
Her head snapped up and her eyes met mine. I could see the surprise and maybe a hint of relief in them? "Really? But.. I hurt you. And you… broke up with me."
"Yeah. You hurt me, that's true… but… you did it because I hurt you first. And Rach, I'm really sorry. I should've told you the truth about Santana a long time before you found out. It's on me for being a coward. But I seriously was only trying to prevent you from being hurt too… plus I was afraid I'd lose you."
"I'm not sure what to say Finn… I... You don't think I would've been able to forgive you?"
"I guess not, no. Plus, I know how you feel about Santana and yeah, I get why that hurt you so much. Especially the fact that SHE was the one who finally told you the truth… it shoulda been me telling you, not her, and definitely not in front of the whole glee club. I've walked in those shoes, last year remember? I know too well how that felt."
The hurt on her face was so clear. "Wh-what are you trying to say, Finn?"
"I guess I'm saying…I forgive you Rach. And maybe I even understand why you ran to another guy, why you wanted to hurt me. Hell, I beat the crap outta my best friend for hurting me and lying to me last year… so I can understand you wanting to get back at someone who hurt you so bad."
She had tears welling in her eyes at that point and I cradled her head in my hands. "I miss you Rach. I forgive you and I miss you. And most importantly… I still love you. I never stopped loving you."
I leaned down and pressed my lips to hers and was honestly a little surprised that she let me. I felt whole for the first time in months. I could tell from her reaction that she felt the same, and her tears were spilling down her face freely. Truthfully, so were mine. Then she pulled back and stared at me for a long while.
She took both my hands in hers and said, "I love you too Finn. But… Why now? What changed your mind?"
"I guess.. I guess I just found some clarity."
XoXoXoXoX
SONG CREDIT:
'Clarity' – Zedd ft. Foxes, released Nov 2012 - Glee funfact: this song was used in "All or Nothing" ep 4x22, which originally aired on May 9, 2013.
. . . . . .
A/N – If you've been reading my stories, it's no secret how much utter disdain I have for what happened to our beloved Finchel in season 2. To that end I've been writing Memoirs of a Simp and made several course corrections in the bounds of that story to sort of re-write history and try not dishevel them to such an extreme as did RIB on screen… Cheesus knows, teen angst = ratings. However, I think Finn and Rachel loved each other enough that the whole thing didn't have to result in such a ridiculously long separation (nevermind the entire FUINN 2.0 debacle that ensued); I also think RIB should have done more to show us Finn's thought processes along his journey back to Rachel. A couple voiceovers? A conversation with Puck? SOMETHING? Since I'd taken the whole Santana sex bomb story out of SIMP I couldn't add any of these insights there.. Then having just rewatched this episode, a WHAT IF seed was planted… What if Finn had sort of an epiphany while watching Rachel and Puck perform their Lady A song in front of the football team? Well, the result is this oneshot. Voila.
. . . . .
unbeta'd… mistakes are all on me.
HOPE YOU ENJOYED & THANKS FOR READING!