CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #1: I don't particularly know where this came from. I was listening to "After Dark" by Mr. Kitty, which seems to be a muse song for me. Anyway, I was listening to the song and just began typing. This came from that ninety-ish minutes of work. I like writing little canon adjacent one-shots like this one. Technically, this could fit right into canon, but you'll see why that isn't completely true.

CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #2: Nobody beta read this story, this is all me.

A Foolish Dream

A Story by
CharmingCharles2896

She'd saved him. She'd gotten there and rescued him before it was too late. Hours later, the fear hadn't left her. The universe had conspired to take him away from her, but the universe failed. In the aftermath of the averted tragedy, her superior had been forced to admit that she was needed, she was essential to the continued success of the man sleeping in the bed only a few feet from her.

Sarah Walker wasn't an overly emotional person, at least not outwardly. Internally, she'd built thick, impenetrable walls around her emotions. She'd shut them in, pushed them down and tried to forget that they existed at all. In the wake of the 49B, Sarah could no longer deny what she was feeling. Fear wasn't unfamiliar in her line of work, but fear of losing someone was wholly alien to her.

She'd been watching Chuck sleep for hours. The poor guy felt like crap after that episode in the bank vault. Sitting in his desk chair, she watched him, motionless. Her mind was wound up, as if God had wound up her key and set her off, destined to clap her little cymbals like the wind-up-toy she was these days. The buzz of her phone grabbed her attention. Opening her phone, she saw a text from Casey.

Are you okay?

It was a loaded question… was she okay? After the day she'd had, the month she'd had, the year she'd had… was she okay? Graham had asked her to be his killer on more than one occasion, he'd asked her to wade into the abyss time after time. In spite of that inalienable truth, Sarah no longer lived in that abyss, yet did more killing than ever. In her quest to keep her asset safe, Sarah Walker had almost doubled her body count, up to forty-six and counting. Was she okay?

Her father had shown her a life of constant motion, perpetual isolation from the normalcy of society. Graham and Beckman had asked her to continue that life. Years and years alone, even among colleagues. Friends were a vague notion, enemies a constant presence. Now, she lived out of the shadows, among people, a life surrounded by the infinitely normal. In spite of the presence of all she'd gone without, she still found herself detached, alone. Was she okay?

Almost lost him today…

Her reply wasn't an answer, she knew it. In her current state, she didn't know how to answer that question. As she'd frantically tried to save her asset, a panorama of truths had come to her at long last. What she was feeling towards her asset wasn't an innocent crush, it wasn't a passing phase, it was real. The things she was thinking about, were not just vague ideas, they were her deepest desires. Everything she suddenly knew she wanted, lay in that bed, just a few feet away. Never had the object of her innermost desires been so close, yet so unquestionably out of reach.

I know it would be a breach of protocol, but you know what Beckman said today, right?

She stared at Casey's response for long moments, contemplating the implications of his words. You know what Beckman said today, right? Sarah knew exactly what Beckman had said, and what she hadn't said. So close, yet so unquestionably far away. It was as if Sarah was walking towards the end of the rainbow, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't reach the pot of gold. Looking at the man in the bed, he truly was gold. Chuck Bartowski was treasure; the ultimate treasure that Agent Walker could never have.

Even if I could, this assignment won't last. It wouldn't be fair to him.

Sarah had never referred to what was in her heart so overtly. She'd never said the words, let alone fully explored them in her own head. In spite of that, temptation had never been more powerful. It wouldn't be fair to him. Her own words spelled out her problem in harsh, brutally honest detail. No matter how much both of them wanted something, ultimately, it would be fleeting. Their status as asset and handler meant that at the end of all of this, they would go their separate ways. She lived in the sun, surrounded by goodness and honesty, but she wasn't of that world. Dragging someone so pure into her inner abyss would be cruel. Her desire for him would consume him. Her affection would use him up and until there was nothing left of him, no matter how hard she tried to hold onto him. Someone like her didn't know how to treat someone like him, how they deserved to be treated. She would try her hardest, but in the end, she would only break his heart.

Nothing lasts forever. Cherish the time you have left, before it's too late.

Sarah read the reply from Casey over and over. She read and reread the words, struck by them. Before it's too late. Today had almost been that day. She'd almost missed her chance, before she'd even realized that's what it was. Looking at him now, opportunity was staring her in the face, challenging her to find the courage to act. Opportunity was challenging her to be selfish, to use him. In the end, that would be what they were. All they would ever be was someone who did all the giving and someone who did all the taking. She'd try to give him the same joy he gave her, but she'd fall tragically short, time and again. She'd take the love he had to give, never able to find it within herself to give it back to him. Then, she'd leave for her next assignment and it would all become a tragically comforting memory.

I wish I met him in a different life; one without all of this…

The tears in her eyes stung, as did the lump in her throat. Why couldn't she have met him like a normal person? They'd have gone on a few dates, become exclusive, made love, gotten married, the typical Hollywood story. In another life, she'd have been the doting wife, someone who loved unconditionally. In another life, she'd have spent as much time trying to make him happy as he did for her.

Don't let the struggles of this life, prevent you from loving him.

The tears that had welled up in her eyes, cascaded down her cheeks. Prevent you from loving him. That's what this feeling was. Sarah Walker loved Chuck Bartowski and she didn't know what to do about it. Could she put herself out there, knowing it would hurt the man she loved? Was it even fair to put him through all of that, knowing how it would end? Would she be selfish if she let herself love him, openly? Would it be selfish to take a chance, even if it was a doomed one? Sarah rose from her seat, silent as the wind. In the blink of an eye, she typed in one last response before stripping off her shirt and jeans, and climbing into bed next to Chuck. As she snuggled in next to him, she felt him subconsciously pull her close. She was going to let herself have this one thing, no matter how doomed it was. For tonight, she was going to revel in all that he was. She knew that when the sun came up, the dream of what they could be, would be revealed to be just that… a foolish dream.

It's a shame this won't last. But then again, what does?

CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #3: I know, not the cheeriest story I've written. There is just something about that episode and it's aftermath that intrigues me. It seems like such a watershed moment for Charah. Anyway, if you enjoyed this little story, please consider leaving a review. I love reading them!

Until Next Time :D