Chapter 2: Aliens Visit the Earth

"We come in peace."

"You come in pieces," said the leader of the Earth forces. "CHARGE!"

The general lead a charge on horseback and defeated the aliens but suffered heavy casualties from the laser guns. No one fought more bravely or killed more alien invaders than John Phoenix, the famous nephew of Uncle Phoenix. He used his psychic powers to blow up the alien ships and kill almost every single one.

"Cough... cough..." said an alien lying at John Phoenix's feet. "Take... take me to your leader..."

John Phoenix extended a hand.

"I will do better," he said. The breeze rustled his cape with a picture of his face on it. "I will take you to John Phoenix."

He quickly became the aliens' new God, and they built icon corners but full of pictures of John Phoenix instead.

Some of the surviving aliens decided to integrate into Earth society, after being mercifully spared by John Phoenix after he got bored of ripping their legs off.

"My name is Zoblark, I want to be an attorney."

He was apprenticed by Phoenix Wright. John Phoenix didn't want to do it himself, because the alien was really annoying, so he foisted the job off on his beloved uncle.

"Uncle Phoenix, this is an alien," said John Phoenix. "I want you to apprentice him, in the same way you apprenticed me, John Phoenix, three years ago. Teach him well. Or as well as you're able, as your legal skills are not as advanced as mine, as I quickly surpassed you in the world of law, virtually blotting out your name from history overnight. My best friend Miles Edgeworth, who I have claimed as my best friend so you can't," (here he took out an official friendship copyright document pertaining to his legally established friendship with Edgeworth), "has even told me that new prosecutors now attribute all your old cases to me, John Phoenix. It's as if you never existed. Though they are surprised that any of your trials attributed to me lasted more than one day, and chalk it up to youthful inexperience on my part, rather than your perennial and unwavering incompetence, which is as absolute and eternal as the Rock of Ages."

"Sigh... okay, John Phoenix."

The alien home world had been destroyed by an event so there was no going back. In some ways these aliens were primitive and had a lot to learn from us humans.

Phoenix Wright looked sallow and haggard. There were rings under his eyes, his skin was grey, and he had lost a lot of weight. He coughed. This was all shortly before his diabetes outbreak in court.

"Are you okay, master?" asked Zeebledorf.

He had tentacles for feet and left slime trails on the ground.

"I'm fine, must be something going around." He coughed. He felt fatigued lately. He didn't bound up the courtroom steps liked he used to.

"Zeebles, me thinks you should see a doctor."

"Okay, Zoblark, I will."

But he put it off.

"I'm fine."

"That's Polly's line, daddy," said an ugly little girl named Trucy Wright. "And you most certainly are not fine. You need to see a doctor."

"We're all worried about you," said an ugly little boy named Apollo Justice.

"Yes, we are," said a sexy woman named Thalassa who was secretly the mother of both Trucy Wright and Apollo Justice.

"I'm not," said John Phoenix. He was frowning and standing in the corner glaring at them with his arms at his sides. He was the one who thought they were ugly and using his psychic powers to slip that thought into the shared subconsciousness of everyone gathered in the room. "I am John Phoenix. He is Uncle Phoenix. I am better than him so people should only worry about me, not him. I'm more important than him."

"Oh, John Phoenix, dear, you can't mean that!" said Trucy.

"I do," said John Phoenix.

"No, he's right," said Uncle Phoenix. "John Phoenix, I realize your mother is dead, so you probably need a lot of attention, so I shouldn't take it away from you."

"You shouldn't," said John Phoenix. "Everyone watch me." He started juggling.

"Mr. Nick..." began Pearl, chewing her thumb. "You really need to see a doctor."

"All right... all right!" he snapped. "Fine. If you're all going to stage an intervention, I guess I have to."

"You're not you lately, Wright," said Maya,

Since when does she call me Wright? wondered Phoenix. John Phoenix threw a book at him because he wasn't watching him juggle.

But he put off going to hospital, till that day in court when he went "orrrugh" and the diabetes finally overcame him.

When he was there he cried, because he didn't want his life to change, but he knew it was going to.

"Mr... Wright... you... have... diabetes..." said the doctor.

Type 1.

"Type 1..." said Phoenix. "I thought that was for kids?"

"No they changed it, it's for grownups too now."

"Like fruit roll ups?"

"Those were always for adults. Anyway, your pancreas isn't producing enough insulin. So that's horrible."

"And it was supposed to be my daughter's birthday today," mourned Uncle Phoenix. "I was supposed to eat cake."

"You can only eat cake in hell now, Mr. Wright," said Doctor Davidson sadly. "Because cake would kill you. You have to strictly watch your intake of sugar."

Zorblak thought it was sad too.

Uncle Phoenix looked at all the food in his apartment he couldn't have. No cakes, no donuts (how he loved donuts).

Later, in the office, phoenix was relaxing in his office. It had been a few months. He wore glasses now because the diabetes had made reading hard.

"Sigh... I look like Edgeworth." He set his reading glasses down. "Wish I picked different frames."

Zorblak entered the room.

"Master Wright, here's your coffee. Should I excrete my alien juices into it since you can't have sugar?"

"No, I don't want that, but thanks anyway."

Anyway, then Gumshoe came, and said there had been a murder.

"You usually go to the scene of the crime and see me and I tell you stuff and give you an autopsy report and I tell you stuff so I decided to just come to you and give it to you."

"Okay," said Uncle Phoenix. "Who died?"

"Winston Payne," replied Gumshoe.

"Winston Payne..." said Zorblak. "That sounds like winced in pain."

"Yeah, well, he probably did wince in pain, pal. Because he's fucking dead."

"Poor Winston," said Uncle Phoenix. "I remember him well."

He imagined a fuzzy grey blur in his head.

"He was a swell guy."

"Yeah, pal," said Gumshoe, "and what with this and the other murder in the courthouse, well, looks like no one in the legal world is safe."

"I should be fine," said Uncle Phoenix. "No one has any reason to kill me."

"Okay, pal."

"How's Gaspen taking it?"

"Well, he probably gasped in pain when he realized his brother was fucking dead and he's probably next, pal."

"You say pal a lot," said Zeelbox.

Gumshoe fumed. "And you're an alien who shouldn't even be on earth so shut up, pal!"

He was mad because his new boss was an alien who was a detective on the home world before it was destroyed.

"Zeeblies."

"I don't know what that means but okay."

Gumshoe left.

Uncle Phoenix rocked his chair back on its hindlegs and stretched, yawning.

"Well, Zeblox, are you ready for some field work?" asked Uncle Phoenix.

"Zeep zeep! Zeep zeep!" The alien bounced around excitedly.

Uncle Phoenix smiled warmly at his apprentice. "That's what I like to hear." He was warming up to him, instead of colding up to him, like he expected. It was nice to have a new apprentice he could mentor and help grow, and who wouldn't browbeat him all the time like John Phoenix. But still, his alien apprentice could be annoying.

"All right, to the scene of the crime it is! We don't have a client yet but don't worry, I'm sure we'll have one soon once we start investigating."

But before they left, Zormlock looked at picture of the daughter Wright.

"Who is this, Master Wright?"

"My daughter Trucy," said Uncle Phoenix.

"She looks like she would taste good to eat, sir."

"Don't say stuff like that, Zeeblock."

"My apologies, Master Wright."

Phoenix knew he was just talking with detached alien sage wisdom.

"She's the light in my life. If anything bad happened to her, I don't know what I'd do." He shot an angry look at his alien apprentice, who was licking his lips. "So don't eat her."

"Okay."

Zeblock started scratching his armpits.

"Zorblack, I'm not fond of that either, in my days we kept our armpits to ourselves, except Larry, who wore a tank top. I remember that from our class trial."

"Zeeblie, who is Larry Butz?

"I didn't say his last name was Butz but yes that's his name. Let's hope you don't meet because he's not exactly a good representative of earth."

He didn't say that having to deal with both Larry AND his alien apprentice in the same room would give him a major headache!

And so Uncle Phoenix and his new apprentice set out to investigate and hopefully find a client. But as you might have inferred, Uncle Phoenix's methods were childish and more akin to a child collecting dandelions in the wind than anything based in Logic or Smartness. He didn't even have a client yet, the fool! Evidently all the times John Phoenix had hit him had failed to confer any of his greatness onto Uncle Phoenix. Meanwhile, Luke Atmey was rotting and ruminating in prison.