I own nothing.
The Two Princes of Hogwarts
-Chapter Thirteen
It was surprisingly difficult to catch Umbridge at the right time as it turned out. The woman seemed to be constantly flitting about, sticking her nose into everyone else's business except his and his friends. "Why is this so hard?" Harry growled as he collapsed at the lunch table.
"It's only been a few hours and we've been in class for most of it," Hermione pointed out.
"If she hates me so much, I would expect her to put in the extra effort," Harry stated. "I have standards for my enemies."
"You did kind of. . .probably traumatize her," Ron pointed out. "I mean, you lit her desk on fire."
"That's arson," Harry argued. "I lit my blood on fire. That's just common sense."
"All that fire was your blood?" Luna pressed as she appeared.
"All of it," Harry confirmed. His friends sighed. "What? It wasn't that bad."
"The entire top of her desk was on fire," Ron growled.
"She cut open the back of your hand," Hermione said slowly.
"Well. . ."
"No," Luna interrupted. She glanced around at the other students that were mostly pretending not to listen. She quickly cast their privacy charm. "Want to go to Sal's tonight and get your armor fixed?"
"It's not a bad idea," Harry stated. "Never know when I might need it." They hesitated as a small body passed through their barrier. "Hey Arkin. How was class?"
"It was great!" Arkin chirped. He hesitated for a moment and then shrank back as they all swiveled about to stare at him. "Uh. . ."
"We don't do secrets here Arkin," Hermione stated firmly.
"Is Snape always kind of a. . ."
"Cock bite?" Ron ventured. Hermione elbowed him in the ribs before turning to Arkin.
"Difficult?" she asked.
"Fucking cunt," Harry added. A foot collided with his shin.
"Complete bastard?" Luna supplied.
"Yes," Arkin interrupted the standoff that was starting to form. "He kept asking me questions and every time I answered them, he just got madder and madder. Then he told me that nobody likes a know it all."
"Oh," Ron grunted in amusement. "That's brilliant."
"Is it?" Arkin ventured.
"Our first class with Snape, he went after Harry because of his dad. He kept needling Harry while Hermione was waving her arms so much, she almost took off like a snitch."
"I was not!" Hermione insisted hotly.
"Imagine if he knew that she was going to be friends with Harry and tried to go after Hermione with questions," Ron continued. "He would have spent the rest of the class trying to stump her."
"Oh God," Harry groaned. "What do you want to bet that he would have kept us after class while he continued trying to make her wrong?"
"No bet," Ron said firmly. "We'd probably still be in that class now."
"So, he's not picking on me? Arkin ventured.
"He's absolutely picking on you," Harry corrected. "You're just too smart for him."
"Oh." Arkin straightened up somewhat at that.
"He's also going after you because he knows you're my friend and hates you because of it," Harry added.
"We're that close?" Arkin pressed.
"Of course, we are," Ron stated. "You're one of us. Sorry, that means you have to deal with the people that hate us."
"I'm one of you," Arkin repeated as he poked at his food. There was a please look on his face.
"Yeah," Ron agreed. He glanced at the other three. "So. . ." Harry shrugged. He had a feeling that he knew where the redhead was going. "We're sneaking out tonight."
"What?" Arkin sputtered. Neither Hermione nor Luna voiced any opinion.
"We're going to Hogsmeade to meet a friend. It might be good if you could come with us." Arkin looked around wildly, before ducking his head down.
"I can come?" he whispered despite the wards in place. Ron glanced around and they were chuckling at that.
"You can come," the redhead stated as he ruffled the boy's hair. Their table was suddenly overflowing with food and Harry was left staring down at his own plate.
"What is this?"
"That's poached chicken breast and red lentils," Hermione said helpfully.
"Fine," Harry replied, prodding the piece of flabby white meat before him. "Why is this?"
"For your own good," Hermione answered. Harry took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"How long are you going to keep this up?"
"Eh. . .much longer than you're going to want to put up with it," Hermione admitted. "Now eat up. It's not going to get much better for you for a while." Harry reached for his goblet and nearly spat out the fluid inside before glaring at his friend as memories of watching everyone around him drink anything they wanted while all he had was the tap. "Water is good for you?" she ventured.
"Too far," Harry stated firmly as he dumped the rest and filled his goblet with pumpkin juice.
(:ii:)
Harry's sour mood did not improve as Umbridge continued to be seemingly everywhere except where he was and he realized that Hermione had not been joking about the food.
With a scowl he pushed the door to the infirmary open and stepped into a mad house. At least half of the beds were taken.
"One of those nights," he grumbled.
"New year crud?" Vincent asked.
"Yup." Harry dug out his flask and was about to take a sip before the door burst open behind them. He turned, expecting another student, but was surprised to see his least favorite High Inquisitor.
"Mister Pot. . ."
"You!" Harry snapped accusingly, stabbing a finger at the woman. "Where have you been? I've been. . ." Harry grunted as Poppy appeared and elbowed him in the side. "Good evening, Professor," he managed as he forced a smile. "How are you?" Vincent took one look at Harry and Poppy and decided that he really needed to start seeing to their patients.
"I am confiscating your alcohol!" the woman announced after a moment to gather herself. Poppy made an irritated sound and the shorter woman flinched slightly.
"You are confiscating my prescription medicine," Harry stated.
"I am confiscating. . ."
"A prescription medicine," Poppy growled. "I am rather curious about your qualifications on such. . ."
"Wonderful!" Harry cut off his boss as he stepped between the two women. He pulled out the roll of parchment he had been given. "Please sign here."
"What is this?" Dolores demanded as she stepped back from the scroll that had been thrust into her face.
"Just a receipt," Harry said quickly. "You know, just something saying that you are accepting custody of my property. It's no big deal."
"I acknowledge that I understand that. . ." Dolores mumbled as she began to read.
"Sorry Professor," Harry interrupted. "We're a bit full right now. You can sign now or you'll have to confiscate my flask later when you can read." That caught her and she ripped the parchment from his hands. She quickly signed it and snatched up his flask before storming out of the room.
"So," Vincent began, making both Harry and Poppy jump. "You spent your entire day trying to get your flask confiscated?"
"No, I didn't," Harry said firmly as he pulled out a second flask. He twisted the top off and took a long drink. "Did she avoid me for this entire day just so she could confiscate my medicine in front of you?" Harry and Vincent glanced at Poppy who was glaring two very angry holes in the door to her hospital wing.
"Of course not," the woman growled. "We are all professionals here and of course she did not purposefully undermine me in my own hospital wing." Vincent glanced at Harry and the other man stuffed his flask into her hands. The school healer took a long pull from it before handing it back and Harry, after a moment of hesitation, offered it to Vincent.
Vincent took a long drink and pulled a face.
"That is atrocious."
"It's medicine," Harry stated. Vincent pondered that.
"It's not that bad," he amended.
"Work," Poppy snapped.
"Yes Madame Pomfrey," Harry and Vincent said in unison before heading towards their patients at a rapid rate.
(:ii:)
Amos sighed and sipped his coffee as he glanced around the office. The long hours were one of the reasons he had chosen to leave his law slinging days behind. At least he didn't have a child growing up without him at home now, though he still hated that his wife had eaten dinner alone.
"A few more hours," Lie said suddenly. Amos glanced up, but his boss kept his own head down as he continued to answer correspondence.
"You always were good at reading the room," he commented.
"Comes with being raised high class," Lie replied. "You always have to know who you need to suck up to and who is about to stab you in the back."
"That's depressing," Amos pointed out.
"That's why I don't play those games," Lie stated. He glanced up from the letter he was righting.
"Did it happen?" Amos asked.
"Yeah." Lie pulled out a fresh sheet of parchment and tapped his wand on it as Amos made his way over. "Our government-guaranteed confidential letter has been opened and it wasn't by us."
"Where's the tracking charm show it?" Amos asked.
"Plus or minus ten feet of our esteemed Minister of Magic's office," Lie stated as he climbed to his feet. "Floo Skeeter. I, as a tax-paying citizen, feel like making a surprise visit to our country's senior civil servant. Be my date?"
"This is going to be fun," Amos stated.
(:ii:)
"Sal!" Harry called as he pushed the door to the man's shop open.
"In the back!" Harry led his friend through the stacks of shelves and froze so suddenly that they ran into his back.
"What the hell?"
"Hey kids!" Sal lisped through a pair of fat lips. His head swiveled as he tried to spot them with swollen shut eyes. "So. I ran into a troll and I'm rather worried my pronunciation won't be too good. Healing was never my strong suit in the first place and I would like to get out of this with two eyes, one nose and one mouth."
"What did you do to the troll?" Ron demanded.
"I made fun of it too many times and it found out," Sal replied. "So, Harry?"
"Yeah." Harry's wand appeared and he began a series of anti-inflammation spells. The man's face slowly became more normal, though his nose still had a new and interesting shape.
"Uncle Sal?" Arkin sputtered.
"Hey Arkin," Sal replied as he blinked his eyes and glanced around. "Your dad is a jerk that holds grudges way too long and is also way too strong for some paper pushing teacher."
"You had it coming," Arkin countered, seemingly automatically.
"He's almost definitely right," Luna commented. "So, Arkin's dad was a Royal Marine. You were a Royal Marine. You were completely justifiably beaten up. You served together."
"I wasn't completely justifiably beaten up," Sal managed.
"Wow," Ron grunted. "How hard did he kick your ass to make you not enjoy it?"
"Fair fights are fun, complete ass whoopings are not," Sal mumbled.
"What did you expect with a man like that?" Ron demanded.
"I expected him to never know that I was mocking him," Sal argued. "How was I to know that he and his wife were going to pop out a wizard? What are the odds?"
"Not zero," Luna said pragmatically.
"Luck of the Irish," Sal grumbled.
"You're not Irish," Ron pointed out.
"Scandinavian actually," Sal admitted. "Great, great, great, great, etcetera grandparents were out pillaging and this place looked like a nice area to raise a family to go pillaging together."
"That makes so much sense," Harry stated. "Anyway, I need my armor repaired and we kind of think Arkin should probably get a dragon skin vest."
"A what?" Arkin asked. Harry hooked a finger in his collar and pulled it down enough to reveal the smooth, gray scales of his vest.
"It helps if you get cursed or jinxed," he explained, "though the best way to deal with curses and jinxes is not to get hit." He glanced at Sal. "I'll pay for it."
"Already working on it," Sal stated. "No charge. Troll he may be, Arkin's dad is one of my dearest friends. Die for him, kill for him, keep his son safe for him. I'm calling in whatever good will I have with you lot in order to get you to keep him safe to."
"He's one of us," Hermione stated, her eyes narrowing.
"So, I've heard," Sal replied. "Can you try to get him in with Cedric too? You guys are great, but you're a little. . .okay, a lot of bit more like a war party. I want him to have connections with people that can deal with day-to-day stuff."
"Cedric Diggory?" Arkin ventured. He shrank a little as they all turned on him. "He saw me at breakfast when you all disappeared to get drunk."
"We didn't disappear to get drunk!" Hermione insisted. "We were doing something important."
"All I remember is getting drunk," Ron admitted.
"Exactly," Luna stated.
"What?"
"Anyway, Cedric saw me eating alone." The lot of them flinched at that. "He grabbed me and dragged me over to the Hufflepuff table. He told them all I was friends with you and that made me a Hufflepuff by proxy, whatever that means."
"Problem solved," Sal announced. Harry let out a groan.
"It should be annoying how great he is, but it isn't."
"Diggorys," Ron said with a shrug. Sal and Luna nodded with him. "It's just something in the blood."
"I mean, Amos set me up for this ass whooping and I still can't be really mad at him," Sal admitted.
"You had it coming," Arkin said automatically again. Sal made a gesture somewhere between a shrug and a nod.
"What did you do to piss of Amos Diggory? What could you do?" Ron demanded in shock. Sal sighed and took a deep breath.
"Okay," he stated. "So, when I was with SPIE, we did things. Those things were sometimes very destructive. When the government does something destructive, even if the government isn't officially doing it, there is a lot of paperwork. Where there is government paperwork, there is a ton of overworked, underpaid government solicitors sitting there and wondering if they should have just gone to work at a private law firm where they would be better paid and work normal hours. We, the hard-charging, spell slinging brutes rely on those poor folks in order to. . ."
"I think you're having a traumatic flashback to your ass whooping," Ron interrupted. Sal paused and pondered that.
"Uh, yeah. Yeah, I am. So, anyway, I may have caused situations where Amos and some other guys and gals got stuck doing paperwork for days on end. Litteral days on end. I heard the amount of pepper up potions they needed actually led to a government investigation because some people thought it was funneling massive funds into a government slush fund."
"Was it?" Luna asked, ever the daughter of a fearless investigator.
"That wasn't," Sal stated pointedly, "and if you think I'm going to talk with Xeno's kid about government slush funds, you are dead wrong." Luna pouted and put away the parchment and quill that had appeared in her hands. "Anyway," Sal began, pointed a finger at Arkin, "you and I are going to the basement and you're going to learn to defend yourself." The rapidity that Harry and his friends closed ranks between Sal and Arkin was a testament to shared trauma. "Okay, that's fair," the man admitted, "but you all saw my face, right? What do you think Liam is going to do if I harm his kid?" Their defensive posture relaxed a bit. "Come on. I guess we're all going to the basement. Harry, stop shaking."
"I'm not shaking," Harry countered, apparently not noticing his trembling hands. His friends sighed and then Harry sighed as he found himself in the middle of a four-way hug. After a moment, Arkin awkwardly shuffled his way over and added himself to the hug. "I don't like you all sometimes."
"That's because you don't understand how messed up your childhood was," Ron stated.
"What the hell did you do to your armor anyway?" Sal demanded suddenly.
"Flitwick," Harry stated.
"Oof. Does he still have a twisted sense of humor?"
"He bashed my helmet in with my own sword," Harry stated, "and shattered my breastplate with my own blasting spell."
"That's a yes."
(:ii:)
Draco tried not to look too eager as he heard the door to the common room open. This was starting to be his favorite time of day. "How was the infirmary?"
"Umbridge ambushed Potter in the infirmary and sprung Potter and Madame Pomfrey's ambush," Vincent stated. Draco sputtered on his drink.
"Whuh?" he managed to gag out. The larger young man sat down across from Draco.
"Potter has spent the day trying to get his flask confiscated," Vincent explained. "Umbridge waited until he was in the infirmary so that she could confiscate it in front of Madame Pomfrey."
"Are you sure they ambushed her?" Draco asked.
"Considering Potter wouldn't turn over his flask until she had signed a pre-written receipt and immediately produced a second flask after she left?" Vincent ventured.
"And you're sure that Madame Pomfrey was a part of it?" Draco added.
"They were both covering for each other's slip ups," Vincent reported. Draco leaned back in his seat.
"Well, damn." Umbridge's worth was becoming lower and lower by the day, let alone the fact that she worked for the Minister that had screwed Draco's father over.
"I think. . ." Vincent trailed off.
"Yes?" Draco coaxed. The other man was still hesitant to voice his own opinions, but Draco had found it worthwhile to press him.
"I think that Umbridge doesn't have the brains to understand what's she done, let alone learn from it," Vincent said slowly. "I think she is going to end up alienating herself from all the professors here. She thinks having the Minister behind her will be enough, but, eventually, she's going to realized that she needs allies here as well."
"Good point," Draco replied. "That is a very good point." He smirked and sipped his drink. Really, there was only one group of people she could turn to in the castle and Draco was just beginning to plot the ways he could take advantage of it.
(:ii:)
Amelia caught three of her least favorite people at the floo gates to the ministry while she was trying to go home. The giddy smiles on all three of them realized a nightmare she hadn't understood yet.
"Oh God."
"I prefer Amos actually," Amos stated.
"Ooh," Sal replied. "Nothing worse than the fury of a righteous man. Be still my beating heart."
"What is happening?" Amelia demanded as she tried to figure out whether she was seeing what she was seeing or if she wasn't seeing it and should go home. It was after hours after all.
"We had a confidential scroll misplaced by the post," Sal explained. "According to the spell, it's around here."
"Around here where?" Amelia demanded.
"Around here within plus or minus ten feet of the Minister's office," Amos answered.
"Scandalous," Rita added.
"Ah." Amelia pondered that for a moment. Yup. She wasn't seeing this. "I believe that falls within the purview of the Post Master General. Good luck with that." With her piece said, she stepped around the lot of them and made a beeline for the exit.
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's drunken rambling. So, did you know that the postal service in the UK is privatized? Apparently so. I find out the weirdest things writing this shit sometimes. Well, I suppose I should say the "muggle" postal service.
So my uncles, colloquially known as "the brothers", made their yearly pilgramage here in little old Delaware to see my dad, hang out, drink too much, devour crab cakes and smoke a shit ton of weed.
I think I might be immune to weed guys. Like, my uncles' shit is rocket fuel and I just wasn't feeling it. On the other hand, I tried CBD for sleep trouble and soreness and I was tripping balls. Like, kaleidoscopes of colors the likes of which I haven't seen since I gave up LSD almost twenty years ago.
I think my shit got rewired at some point between high school and today, cause I don't think that's how that is supposed to work.
Also, this is all a joke. I am a firearm owning American and cannot partake in the devil's lettuce. Can still drink myself stupid though!
On a more somber not: current events, both domestic and international. Damn. . .just damn, man. So much for the utopia everybody thought the future would be.
Sheeeeeeit. Gotta love insurgents begging their civilian meat shields not to fuck off to a safe zone over social medial though.
I just. . .I don't think anyone would have every thought that was a think that would happen.
What the fuck is going on.
CUT TO OMAKE!
Harry stared at his Head Boy and Head Girl. The Head Boy looked like he was about to crack, but the Head Girl stood strong.
"Third time this month," she stated.
"Overnight passes in Hogsmeade," Harry offered. The Head Boy perked up, but the Head Girl's hand clamped down on his shoulder to silence him.
"Third time," she repeated. Harry sighed.
"What are you demands, you terrorist?" he asked finally.
"Overnight stays with plus ones for both of us in Ibiza," the Head Girl.
"That's absurd!" Harry gasped. The door he was standing in front of banged open and Snape stumbled out bracketed between a professor from each of the two visiting schools.
"Hey Harry!" the inebriated normally giant prick announced. He pressed a glass vial of a shimmering potion into his hand. "Have fun. I know we will." They watched the trio stumbled off.
"Redheads," Harry grumbled. "Why is it always redheads?"
"The devil's threesome," the Head Boy gasped. "I didn't know he swung that way."
"He swings all ways when he's got a few potions in him," Harry admitted. His jaw slammed shut as he realized what he had said and who had said it to. "Forget that."
"I wish I could," the Head Boy grumbled as he watched the three professors grab ass their way down the hall.
"Four passes to Ibiza, plus transport," the Head Girl stated.
"You're not even legal!" Harry protested.
"Yes, we are," the Head Boy countered, "so are our plus ones."
Harry's eyes darted about as he hunted for some other excuse.
"I didn't want to do this," the Head Girl stated, "but Ibiza, or we walk and never cover for you again."
"You can't do that!" Harry protested. "Covering for the staff is tradition for the Head Boy and Head Girl."
"Tradition is a word old people throw around to guilt young people into doing something stupid," the Head Girl countered.
"You take that back!" Harry snapped. "I'm not old." The Head Girl rolled her eyes and sighed in annoyance.
"Fine. Tradition is a word that people in positions of authority throw around to coerce those under them into doing something stupid."
"Why did you add "coerce"? That sounds so much worse."
"The deal Head Master," the Head Girl said firmly. Harry buried his face in his hands.
"Everyone is legal," he stated. "You know I will check on that and I will be interestingly furious with the both of you if it's not true."
"Legal," the Head Girl stated. Harry reluctantly held out both hands and the three of them shook.
"Now, if you'll excuse me." Harry knocked back the potion and turned to pull open the door. Looking into the room revealed that the thumping beat they had been feeling through the floor wasn't actually the bass, but Hagrid and Olympe dancing.
Harry quickly pulled out his hair tie and stepped into the room before his student could think to extort any more out of him and kicked the door shut behind him.
Everyone froze as the music began building to a crescendo.
The potion kicked in just as the beat dropped and everyone around strobed with light as they began dancing again.
Harry quickly threw his arms up and joined his fellow educators in pretending that tomorrow would never come and when it did. . .it was going to be a lot harder than it was a few years ago.
-End
(:ii:)
Omake notes. So. . .I lied. I discovered a few more Professor Potters and I remembered an idea I had starring everyone's favorite Judas priest.
This is going to be fun.