A/N: Forgot to mention when I was talking about Magna's cousin, Maisie, that she committed suicide, which led to Magna murdering Brian Lawson. Maisie was her entire world and basically the only person she was close to, besides Brian (who got close to Magna - and the rest of her family - so that he could get close to Maisie. And when I say 'close to' I mean groomed. He groomed them). Other side note: Magna's father was abusive and her mother shot him when Magna was eight in order to save her life. Her mother was then put in prison (which isn't unusual for survivors of domestic violence who defend themselves) and she never saw her again. Magna and her brother went to live with her aunt and uncle and their daughter Maisie, who was about one at the time. I'm not sure how many of you have read my other fics so I'm trying to remember the main stuff that was revealed them.
[Trigger Warning: reference to child sexual abuse]
Here there be angst. . .
Magna's fingers were tense in hers, the muscles in her shoulder tight and unforgiving. Yumiko suspected they echoed her own, could already feel an ache in her jaw from clenching it too tight.
She looked down at their feet, watching as Magna's left shoe moved forward. Mirrored the motion by stepping back with her right. Yumiko was surprised she could still remember the steps, considering how much time had passed.
But Magna had always been good with her body. A quick learner when it came to the physical. It was other areas that she'd struggled in.
Yumiko frowned, remembering that brief lesson. A dance so far removed from this one. How much closer their bodies had been.
The intimacy.
Closing her eyes, she felt out the steps, mind drifting, falling into the memory. The most tangible it had been in months. With Magna's hand in hers, she could almost fool herself into believing it had come to life.
That the past had returned.
But she could also feel the tension. The stilted nature of every step, every breath.
And the illusion was ruined.
Biting her lip, Yumiko nearly fell into the trap of counting their steps. The numbers rising in her thoughts like poison.
One, two-
She opened her eyes.
Taking a breath, she refocused on her dance partner. Only to find that Magna's eyes were already on her, searching.
Yumiko forced a smile.
Got a weak one back.
Silence lingered between them.
She fought against the urge to break it. Once upon a time, it wouldn't have mattered. Once upon a time, that silence would have been comforting and familiar, not awkward.
But apparently that was just another thing that had changed.
It hurt. That realization.
It all hurt.
She was tired of it hurting.
"I didn't know you were going to be here."
Certainly hadn't expected to turn around and find her with a tray full of wine.
"Serving drinks, you mean?"
Yumiko's mouth pursed.
She looked away. "Didn't exactly have a choice. Not one of you, remember?"
"You say that like I want things to be this way. I don't."
"Maybe." Magna lifted a shoulder, glancing over at the entrance where people still stood in throngs, applauding the ball attendees like some bizarre twist on a red carpet event. Magna's mouth turned down as she watched. "Does make things like the old days, though, doesn't it? I was waiting tables back then too."
"You think I like the power imbalance?"
Magna didn't say anything, simply moved them out of the way of another couple - who Yumiko hadn't seen, too caught up in her shock at the accusation.
"I don't," her fingers dug into Magna's shoulder slightly, demanding her attention. "I never did. It always created a divide between us and I hated that."
She faltered for a moment - Yumiko saw it - before hardening once more. "You do like being the one in charge, though. The one who gets to make the decisions."
"So do you."
Magna's mouth turned up wryly, granting her that. She looked away, back at the entrance. "I know. It's one of the reasons why we don't work. Can't both be on top."
The air in the room felt suddenly distant, too far away to catch, inhale.
"You think we don't work?"
"I think the evidence says it for me."
Then what the hell are we doing?
Why ask me to dance?
Except she knew why. The answer was standing in a group not ten feet away.
(this had never been about her)
"I suppose it does," Yumiko muttered.
Saw a muscle flex in Magna's face, the only sign that she was affected by her words.
By any of this.
A spiteful part of her felt a sliver of satisfaction at the fact, before guilt swallowed it up.
The silence descended upon them once more and she wondered if maybe that was better.
Had things gotten so bad between them that they couldn't even talk to each other anymore without it becoming a conflict of some kind?
The possibility hurt.
Filled Yumiko with a loss she could barely breathe through.
Magna took a breath, refocused on her. "Look, I'm not trying to start something. I really did just want to dance with you."
Bullshit.
"Oh please, you asked me to dance because you wanted a chance to stick it to the 'nobility'."
Did she really think she was that blind?
"One can want two things simultaneously," Magna said airily, gaze over her shoulder at said 'nobility' who, last Yumiko had checked, were still glaring daggers at them - though in a way that was just subtle enough not to be noticed by anyone who wasn't looking for it.
She shook her head, unable to fight back a smile at the slight upturn to Magna's mouth when she noticed this fact for herself.
"Prince Sebastian looks like I just took a shit on his shiny new shoes."
Yumiko rolled her eyes. Charming. "Don't look so proud. You'll only piss him off more."
"Kind of the point."
"Hey," she drew Magna's attention back, levity fading. "You don't want that. Don't rock the boat, remember? Play it safe." Yumiko might appreciate having some semblance of her former life back but she couldn't say she trusted a single person in this place besides her brother. Safe from sickos it might be but Yumiko had yet to see any evidence that it was safe from its own people. She didn't trust it. Not like she'd trusted Hilltop and Alexandria. So the last thing she wanted was for Magna to put a target on her back. "Kelly told me that's what you've been doing since I left."
"Staying out of trouble and not fucking things up, you mean?"
"Well, she didn't put it like that."
"Right." Magna was smirking, though, so Yumiko knew she hadn't taken offense. She watched as that smirk gave way to a sigh. "It's this place. It's too much like before. Makes me feel. . ."
"Like you've traveled back in time?"
She met Yumiko's eyes in surprise. "Yeah. . . right back into the same old skin too."
"I know," she murmured, drawing Magna slightly closer. "I've been feeling it too." Yumiko's mouth twitched at her expression. "Don't look so shocked. You're not the only one struggling to adjust here."
"You hide it well."
There was a dig concealed deep within that casual remark but Yumiko refused to rise to the bait, smiled instead. "Years of practice."
Now that they were actually talking, she wasn't about to risk descending into another squabble.
Though she had to wonder whether her brother and Magna had been exchanging notes behind her back. It was exactly the kind of thing he might have said to her. So similar to all the other things he had been saying to her.
The fingers around Yumiko's loosened slightly, losing some of their rigidity. "Yeah. Know a thing about that too."
It was an olive branch.
Possibly even a ceasefire.
And Yumiko nodded, feeling her own muscles loosen in response.
The calm didn't last for long.
Magna turned her head, once more taking in their surroundings. Eventually, her gaze landed on the fruit table again. That bloody fruit table. "It's fucked up."
"What is?"
"The world ended. Society freaking collapsed. And here's this place trying to rebuild it again. Civilization and everything that goes with it. And they had the chance to do it better than before. But instead they brought back all the same old shit. The worst parts." Her voice dropped, almost too low to hear. "You think they let rapists off here too?"
"I don't know," Yumiko murmured, watching the slight clench in Magna's jaw, the only hint of the raw feeling that lurked beneath. The anger. Kelly had said she'd 'mellowed out' since the cave but Yumiko suspected there were some things that would always call to that rage inside her. And Brian Lawson was one of them. "I haven't encountered any cases involving one. Not yet." She wasn't naive enough to believe it wouldn't happen eventually. "I suppose it'll be like before. The level of accountability will depend on their status - and that of their victim."
"Right." The disappointment was brief, quickly hidden, but Yumiko caught it. Magna shook her head, moving on. "I hate that word. Victim."
"It's just a legal term."
They'd had this conversation before. To exhaustion.
In Yumiko's experience, there was a place for that word. A place that even wandered outside the law. 'Survivor' might be preferred - even by herself - but there were some moments, some feelings, that it just couldn't capture.
But Magna wouldn't touch the word 'victim' with a ten-foot pole.
And Yumiko could respect that. Would always respect that. It wasn't the word that mattered in the end. It was what felt right. What you were most comfortable with. What lended a meaning you could live with.
She watched as Magna's gaze followed the people around them, growing darker with each passing of the room, wishing she could ease the tension from the lines of her face. That she still had that power.
Cautiously, Yumiko's hand departed her shoulder, crept down her back, to her waist. She watched Magna's expression closely, searching for any signs of displeasure, made difficult by the fact that her gaze was still turned away. It wasn't an action she would have hesitated in before.
But this wasn't like before.
Nothing was.
Her wariness proved to be for nothing.
After a moment, Magna released a breath, leaning into her.
And something inside Yumiko eased. Unraveled.
It was a small thing. Such a small thing.
But it felt like the Grand Canyon.
"What are you thinking?" she dared to ask. Dared to think that she was still someone Magna might trust with an answer.
"Just that Brian would have loved it here."
Yumiko stilled, her grip on Magna's waist tightening a fraction. "What do you mean?"
That name so rarely came up. Every time it did, she felt like a bucket of ice water had been poured over her. Had never been able to conceal her shock at its appearance, no matter how hard she tried.
Tonight, she didn't try.
"I mean it's the kind of place where people don't fit in, right? Not just the adults but the kids." Despite the nonchalance of her tone, Magna still wouldn't look at her. And that set Yumiko on edge even more than hearing that name. "And so many of the kids who weren't born here are traumatized in some way. Vulnerable. The ones in the lower class especially." She shrugged. "He was really fucking good at picking out the ones that don't fit. Making them feel like they belong. . . even if it was only with him."
Yumiko focused on her hands, on the muscles in her fingers. Focused on not letting them dig into Magna's body. "Is that what he did to you?"
At last, Magna looked at her, expression caged. "He didn't do anything to me. You know that."
"I wasn't talking about sexual abuse." She stiffened at the term and Yumiko knew she had to tread carefully. Lawson was and always had been a thorny topic, even before she'd learned the truth of his murder. Talking about him, about Maisie, was often impossible - and liable to blow up in her face. "Just because he didn't touch you doesn't mean he didn't hurt you."
It was something she'd said before.
Though clearly it had yet to sink in.
Magna's jaw clenched, though she didn't say anything, just continued to lead them in a stiff dance.
Slowly, Yumiko released her waist, moving her hand back up the path it had so cautiously descended, until it landed once again on Magna's shoulder. She gave it a squeeze, feeling the muscles, so hard and rigid under her touch. Like stone. Likely they would ache tomorrow for the fact.
Yumiko counted the seconds. Ten. Thirty. Got up to sixty-four before the silence was broken.
"I don't want to talk about Brian."
She was tempted to point out that Magna had been the one to bring him up in the first place but knew better than to push her luck. That she'd said this much at all about him was miracle enough. "Okay."
Yumiko kneaded her fingers into her shoulder, seeking to relieve the tension. Felt something give under her touch, the thin line of Magna's mouth filling out as she eased slightly.
The hand around hers released and Yumiko had the brief fear that the dance was over, that Magna was pulling away - running, running from her again - but she didn't go anywhere. Didn't disappear. Instead, her hand moved down to the middle of Yumiko's back, gentle heat pressing through the thin fabric of her dress. After a moment, Magna's other hand came to join it, sealing against her spine.
Holding her.
For the first time in months.
Yumiko's newly freed hand hovered in the air, at a loss for where to land. Where was safe. Where she most wanted it to land.
If she chose, she could step into Magna's hold. Drape her arms around her neck and press their foreheads together. Bring them closer than they'd been all night. Closer than they'd been in months.
Too close.
Taking a breath, Yumiko settled her hand on Magna's other shoulder instead.
If this place was acting as a glaring reminder of the man who had ruined her life, it would certainly explain a lot. Yumiko hadn't considered that. How similar in ways the Commonwealth was to the town Magna had grown up in.
Combined with having to wait hand and foot on her own friends. . .
Yumiko could understand the anger. The resentment.
Even shared it.
What she didn't understand was why it seemed to be directed at her.
If Yumiko could snap her fingers and make it so that this bloody class divide disappeared, she'd do so in a heartbeat.
She hadn't wanted this.
But Magna seemed to think she did and that. . . hurt.
"You're angry at me."
Yumiko hadn't meant to say it.
She hadn't meant to say it, but now that the words were out there, she found that she didn't regret them. There was no point ignoring the elephant in the room when its tusks were digging into her back
Magna shook her head. "I'm angry at. . . the situation."
Yumiko sent her a look.
She shrugged. "And I'm a little angry at you. But it's mostly just surface-level stuff."
"Well, as long as it's only 'surface level'. . ." she said sarcastically. Honestly. "Look, I know this place isn't perfect-"
"Oh no, it's plenty perfect. For the right people."
"But it's safe. Safer than out there at least. As safe as the world can get anymore. In here, Hornsby and the Miltons are the biggest threat. Not someone who wants to kill or eat us. I'm tired of watching people die. Aren't you?"
Magna looked away, jaw working a moment.
Seeing the crack, Yumiko pushed it further apart. "I don't want to see anyone else's head end up on a spike. Or watch them get torn to pieces by creatures that shouldn't even exist. . . or hear that you've been trapped in some cave again, left for dead. Spending every minute thinking of all the things I could have done differently, all the things I could have said, would still say if I just got the chance to see you again - and knowing that I probably never would."
The hands on her back shifted and Yumiko felt the gentle pressure of fingers, kneading through her dress. Returning her earlier gesture.
Reassuring.
She released a breath, and the memory of that terror and despair along with it. "So, no. This place isn't perfect. But it's better than the alternative."
"That's the thing," Magna smiled sadly, even as her hands continued to ease the tension from her spine, "I'm not so sure it is."
Yumiko couldn't hide her disappointment at the response.
The fingers on her back paused in their motion, pressing into her gently. Comfortingly. "But I get it. Why you feel that way. . . I'm tired too."
Exhaling, Yumiko squeezed her shoulder in acknowledgment.
Even if Magna didn't agree - could never agree - just having that understanding was enough. "I know. It's why you ended things between us."
She shook her head. "Not just that. I hurt you. I don't ever want to hurt you. Not again. Not like that."
You're hurting me now.
But that was too honest, too open.
And they weren't there yet.
"What you did would have hurt whether we were together or not."
Yumiko had loved her too much, trusted her too much for it to be any other way.
"But you can't say it didn't hurt more because we were together."
No. She couldn't.
But only because of Nicole.
Only because of things she didn't know how to say. Didn't want to say.
All the things she could never talk about.
Magna took her silence as answer. Nodded. "Yeah. . . see the thing is, I hurt people. And I'm shit at relationships. Always have been. But being a friend? I don't suck quite as much at that. Not like I used to."
And is friendship all you want?
Yumiko didn't dare to ask. Was too afraid of the answer.
Settled for something in a nearby territory. "Well, this dance doesn't feel very friendly."
She snorted, looking down. "No. It doesn't."
And Yumiko understood then. Understood that perhaps she wasn't the only one who didn't know what Magna wanted. Perhaps she didn't know herself.
It wouldn't be anything new. That kind of confusion had been a staple of their relationship, going right back to the day they'd first met.
"For the record. . ." Yumiko took a gamble, releasing Magna's shoulder and reaching up. Allowed her fingers to graze the soft skin of her cheek, barely touching. The closest she could come to a caress.
Magna closed her eyes.
"You're not the only one here who sucks at relationships. Who doesn't know what the hell they're doing half the damn time."
Her mouth curved faintly, eyes still shut. "Yeah. . . see for me, it's more like all the damn time." She opened her eyes, still smiling. "And 'for the record', I think you're brilliant at relationships. Solid A plus."
Yumiko grinned wryly. "And I think you might be biased."
You also wouldn't know a good relationship if it hit you on the head.
Magna's sexual and romantic history was. . .
Abominable.
Even worse than her own, from what stray bits of information she'd managed to gather together over the years.
"Maybe." Magna's hand settled over hers, lightly holding it against her cheek. Sealing the touch. "But doesn't mean it's not true."
I know more than a few people who would disagree with you.
She also wasn't oblivious to the role she'd played in the slow dissolution of their own relationship. It hadn't all been on Magna. Though Yumiko had certainly never betrayed her.
Would never betray her.
The reminder cooled some of the warmth in her heart, draining the strength from her hand. Slowly, Yumiko let it fall, watching the smile on Magna's face follow its descent.
Disappear.
She regretted the action almost immediately.
But there was no taking it back.
No taking anything back.
The clock only moves forward.
And all they could do was move with it.
A/N: So one of the headcanons that I've come up with is why Miko was getting people to sign NDAs (like why she was going along with that) and of course it will most likely be thrown out by canon but I think I'm just going to stick with it because a lot of the fic depends on it and I'm just too sick to rewrite shit. It's hard enough just getting all this out. Anyway, that'll pop up in later chapters.
I'm thinking that just over half of this fic will take place at the ball and rest will take place after it's over.
Also, apologies in advance. This fic came about from like fifty different individual scenes that I then had to somehow sort into order and get to mesh with some semblance of smoothness (still working on that to be honest). Which. . . is not easy when you can't remember what you've written/read only five minutes ago. I use a spreadsheet as a memory aid to try and keep track of everything but it only helps so much. So this fic might be a little disjointed and some things might repeat. There's not really much I can do about that besides get a new brain/body lol. I'm hoping it's not too noticeable. I think this chapter is okay but there are some later ones that are a bit iffy.
I know things are tense at the moment but they will ease up (and there's a lot more softness after the ball ends but also softness during it as well). Chapter 4 also has a fair bit of humor. At least I'm hoping. Who knows if I'm even funny lol?