A/N: So this is actually the first chapter I wrote for this fic lol. Built everything else up around it.

'Some things you can't go back to

Some things need left alone

Don't mess with the memories of a life passed on. . .'

- Can't Go Back by Rosi Golan

"You taught me how to do this," Magna noted, breaking the silence that had cloaked the air around them for the last few minutes.

Comfortable silence.

Familiar silence.

The kind she'd missed.

Yumiko smiled faintly. "You were a quick study."

"I was awkward as hell. Kept stepping on your feet." She tapped her shoes for emphasis, grinning. "It's a wonder I didn't give you any broken toes."

"Stop it," she laughed. "You weren't that bad."

And Yumiko had been too caught up in the moment to care even if she was.

She wished she could go back to that moment. Live inside it. Feel it.

The memory was so distant now. Like a dream.

Had that really been only a year ago?

She'd laid her head on Magna's shoulder that night, resting a hand against her chest, feeling the reassuring thump of her heart. It would be so easy to do that now. To give into temptation.

Easy.

But maybe not altogether wise.

Yumiko hadn't forgotten how she'd pulled away before. Retreating at the possibility of a kiss.

Things were different now. They were no longer together. No longer the same.

The past wasn't made to be relived.

That was truth.

No matter how valiantly the Commonwealth fought against it

(no matter how valiantly she did)

"You took lessons, right?"

Yumiko blinked at the question, torn out of her thoughts. "Sometimes." She'd liked dancing. Mostly ballroom. A little bit of jazz and swing. But she'd always had a busy schedule. One that didn't leave much room for hobbies or extracurricular activities. It had been hard enough simply fitting yoga in. "Mostly I just learned from my father."

"He was a good dancer?"

She grinned. "He thought he was a good dancer. My mum would correct him every step." Consequently teaching Yumiko what not to do. "But he had fun. Didn't care about making it perfect. Or messing up."

And that was what he'd passed on to her.

(at least when it came to dancing)

Magna snorted. "You must have hated that."

"I liked it, actually. Not caring. It's hard for me to shut that part off but in those moments, dancing with him, I could. I had fun." She tilted her head. "And that's the main thing, isn't it?"

"Yeah. It is." Magna's hand moved up her back, stroking a soothing path with her thumb. "It was his birthday last month, right?"

Yumiko nodded, surprised that she'd remembered. "Yeah. Not too long before you got here."

She felt a brief press against her flesh, the reassuring pressure of a squeeze. "Sorry I missed it."

Yumiko smiled. "It's fine. I spent it with Tomi."

Magna didn't look all that encouraged by this revelation. "How was that?"

"Honestly? Quiet." Neither of them had really known what to say. They hadn't grieved together when their father died and almost sixteen years later it seemed too late to start. "But he made a cake. Which was. . ."

Something.

Magna's mouth curved. "Yum?"

Yumiko chuckled. "In short. The food might just be the best thing about this place."

"I'll take your word for it."

And although Magna was still smiling, none of that earlier reproach in her eyes, Yumiko felt her own fade. "I'll bring you some later." She'd bring her a hundred cakes. "He still bakes sometimes."

Even with the new job. Or, rather, the return of his old one.

"It's fine, Miko. I don't even like cake that much. You know that." But it wasn't really about the cake, was it? Just like it wasn't really about the wine. Or the mango. "As long as you're offering to bring me stuff, though, do they have nachos here? Because that I might not be able to pass up on."

Yumiko chuckled, appreciating her attempt to lighten the mood. "I haven't seen any but I'll ask around."

"I mean, if this place doesn't have nachos it really is a lost cause."

"I'm not so sure that's the best method of measurement."

"Of course it is. What about apple pie?"

"That we do have."

"Then all might still be forgiven."

Yumiko suppressed a smile.

Despite Magna's disdain for most fruits, apples seemed to get a pass. Similarly, apple pie was one of the few sweet things she wouldn't hesitate to put in her mouth. Along with dark chocolate.

Once upon a time, Yumiko had made a habit of hiding little individually wrapped squares around Magna's apartment for her to find - enjoying the equal parts bemused and exasperated expression that would adorn her face whenever she stumbled upon one; the little smile that would eventually follow, brief and hidden - always when she thought Yumiko wasn't looking.

The ritual had started during Easter. Intended to be only a one-time thing.

But that smile - Magna's smile - had made it impossible to stop.

Yumiko would do anything for that smile.

She tried to remember how many she'd secreted away in the week leading up to the world ending. How many had been found. Knew that there was at least one still tucked away between the pages of the book Magna had been reading at the time: The End by Lemony Snicket.

If Sickos hadn't torn it to pieces.

They had chocolate here. Bitter. Only slightly sweet. Entirely to Magna's tastes.

Yumiko would get some.

She'd like to restart that old ritual.

To create more memories to survive on

Happy memories

Warm memories.

Ones that could keep her company in the cold of night.

All her nights were cold now.

Empty.

No longer able to fight the impulse, she pressed her forehead against Magna's again, lips tingling with the heat of her breath.

Yumiko closed her eyes, feeling the ticklish flutter of an eyelash against her cheek as the action was echoed in kind. Releasing a breath, she felt a deep calm settle over her, the beat of her heart slowing in her chest. Home. When she inhaled, Magna's shoulder's lifted in sync, the heat of their breaths uniting on the next exhale.

It was a familiar intimacy that she'd feared lost until tonight. A kind she'd never felt with anyone else. Yumiko wished she could crawl inside it. Live in it. This feeling. This moment.

Forever.

I love you.

She'd never truly understood that feeling before Magna. Love. Not in the romantic sense. Not in the way she felt it for her.

Couldn't imagine feeling it for anyone after her.

That feeling was Magna's now. Molded to her. Sealed in place.

The shape would never fit another.

How had she walked away from it?

How had she stayed away?

Yumiko tightened her grip, unsure if she'd ever be able to let go.

Not now.

Not again.

Magna stepped forward the barest amount and any space between them was lost. On the next breath, Yumiko felt her chest expand, the press of her breasts.

Swallowed.

"I meant beautiful."

She opened her eyes. "What?"

"Nice. Stunning. . . what I really meant was beautiful." A thumb stroked her waist, gliding across the material of her dress. A dress she suddenly wished would disappear into thin air, along with every other article of clothing keeping them apart. "You look beautiful tonight, Miko."

Her lips turned up slightly. "Just tonight?"

"Every night. Every day. . . you always look beautiful."

"Well that's not fair," Yumiko said, to cover the newfound racing of her heart, the way every nerve in her body suddenly seemed to be trembling. Hoped it was only on the inside. That Magna couldn't feel it.

(another part of her hoped that she could)

"Not fair?"

"How am I going to top something as sweet as that?"

Magna snorted. "Well, if it bothers you that much, I have some other ideas about what you could top instead. . ."

"And the sweetness is gone." She delivered a scolding kick to her foot, lips curling traitorously. "Also, don't false advertise. I can't even remember the last time you let me be on top."

Not true but it had certainly been a while.

Yumiko didn't mind. She knew that most of the time, Magna needed that control in sex.

Years ago, she'd needed it too.

"I'm willing to allow it just this once."

"Only just this once?"

"Fine," she sighed, like it was the most monumental act of concession she'd ever had to make. ". . . Twice."

Yumiko laughed.

The sound caught in her lungs when Magna moved in again. For a moment, she thought that maybe-

But the angle was wrong. And her cheek came to settle against Yumiko's instead.

She couldn't find it within herself to be disappointed.

Not with how good it felt. How right.

She shifted slightly, just to feel that graze, the sensation of Magna's skin brushing against hers.

Soft and warm.

Exactly as she remembered it.

Home.

The muscles in Magna's cheek flexed, shifting subtly. Yumiko shivered as she felt hot air caress her face, sending goosebumps down her neck. Could just barely feel the tease of lips. . .

Unintentional.

She knew it was unintentional.

But she soaked it up just the same. That taste of memory.

"Remember that night we danced together back at Hilltop?" Magna murmured in her ear. "You know, when we were taking a break."

"We weren't taking a break. We were just taking a break from sex. Two very different things." She moved her hand slightly further down Magna's waist, boldly feeling out the muscles, remapping the path they formed in her memory. "And, yes. I remember. I also remember that you stole everyone's record player."

"No proof that was me."

"So it just turned up in our room all on its own?"

"Yep."

Yumiko shook her head with a smile, heart filling at the echo of a conversation from what seemed like so long ago now. "As your lawyer, I can tell you that-"

"Won't hold up in court, I know. So you've said. But then. . . I do have a really good lawyer." Magna drew back slightly, regarding her. Yumiko bit her tongue to keep from cursing at the loss. "What's that like anyway?"

"What's what like?"

"Lawyering again. It's been ten years. Must be weird. Good but weird."

"That. . . definitely describes it."

"But?"

"I didn't say there was a but."

"Your face did. Come on. What is it?"

"I just. . ." Yumiko sighed. "You know the kind of cases I used to take?"

"The ones that made you feel like you were actually doing some good."

She nodded, glad she didn't have to explain. "It's not like that here. Not really. It's not the same."

Magna placed a hand on her shoulder, not quite gripping exactly but Yumiko could feel the firmness of her hold nonetheless. "Then make it the same. You're Yumiko fucking Okumura. No-one believed that you'd be able to get me out of prison - hell, I didn't even believe it. No-one except you. . . And you did. You got me out. Achieved the fucking impossible. And maybe you regret that now but-"

"I don't."

Magna stilled, hand freezing on her shoulder.

"Regret it."

Was that what she thought?

What she'd been thinking all this time?

Ever since confessing the truth about Lawson?

From the look on Magna's face right now. . .

Yes.

That was exactly what she'd thought.

Still thought, if the momentary flash of disbelief in her eyes that followed was anything to go by.

How could you think I'd regret that?

Regret you?

Yumiko stared, more pieces of the puzzle slotting into place. She didn't know what to say. Was saved from having to say anything at all when Magna cleared her throat.

"The point is, you've always been a force of nature, especially when it comes to the law. And you've always taken the cases you wanted to take. Don't let this place change that about you."

Yumiko would have appreciated the words. Did appreciate them. But she could also see the ones that hadn't been said. Lurking in Magna's eyes.

The ones she'd been hinting at all night.

"Don't let it change me, you mean? That's what you're worried about."

Magna's mouth thinned and she glanced away. "This place is an illusion, Miko. A really fucking pretty one but an illusion nonetheless. If you're not careful, you'll get swallowed up in it."

"I know what I'm doing, Magna."

And resented the implication that she didn't.

That she couldn't handle herself.

That she could be that easily broken down, molded into something else. Something wrong.

"Maybe. But whatever you're doing, you're not doing it with me." Magna looked away. "With any of us. I swear I felt closer to you back when we were hundreds of miles apart. . . it's like you're right in front of me, but I can't touch you."

Yumiko frowned, defensiveness falling away as she caught her hand. "Yes, you can. You can always touch me."

You're touching me right now.

Magna's mouth lifted weakly. "I wasn't talking physically." She looked away again. "We don't fit here, Miko. I don't fit. And we don't fit together."

And maybe this was it. The confirmation she'd been looking for. The way out of the maze.

Only, Yumiko felt no relief in the possibility.

All she felt was desperation.

"It's an adjustment. But with a little more time-"

"It's not about time. The old world? I was in it for twenty-two years and I still never managed to fit. You know that." She did. Had done all she could to change the fact but. . . "And this place, it's an echo of that. A real fucking creepy echo but an echo just the same."

Yumiko could feel all the ground they'd gained slipping away, falling through her fingers like sand.

No, like water.

Impossible to contain.

No matter how tightly she clenched her fingers together.

Yumiko dropped her hand. The tentative sparks of hope that had managed to ignite in the last few minutes dying out. "Then why did you come? Why are you still here?"

Magna looked at her like it should have been obvious. "Because you're here." They stared at each other a moment too long before Magna cleared her throat, breaking eye contact. "I wanted the group to be together again. All of us. You, me, Connie, Kelly, and Luke. We're supposed to be together. So I'll stay. I'll stay until you leave."

Yumiko's mouth parted.

The confession both warmed and burnt her in equal measure.

"I might not. You know that, right?" She regretted the words even as she said them. But they needed to be said. "My brother's here, Magna."

"And so is your old life. The one you've been dreaming of ever since it went away. . . I know." Magna held her gaze, softening slightly. "Just don't forget your new life in your race to get it back." She swallowed, eyes moving away again, catching the wall. "Don't forget me."

And that was all she could take.

"Hey." Yumiko caught her chin, drawing her back. "I could never forget you. Never. That's not even a possibility." Gently releasing Magna, she lowered her hand to her shoulder - but didn't stop there, slowly moving it down her chest until she landed at the center. The place where dark ink hid beneath. Ink that spanned so much of Magna's body, but touched not even an inch of her own. "You're the only tattoo I have. The only one I've ever chosen for myself. Permanent." Yumiko's mouth drew up slightly, despite the fist that currently choked her heart. "My life may be different now. . . but you'll always be a part of it." She hesitated. "For as long as you want."

Magna smiled faintly, though it didn't reach her eyes. "I'll always want." Yumiko swallowed, feeling that fist clench even tighter, nails digging in as Magna stepped back, slipping from her grasp. "Just not sure there's room for me in this new life of yours."

And she couldn't understand.

Couldn't understand where it had gone wrong.

Why the center of the maze - which had drawn slowly but surely into sight - was now gone. Whisked away.

They'd been getting somewhere.

Finally getting somewhere.

And now they were right back at the start.

Yumiko opened her mouth to protest, to trample Magna's mistaken belief into the ground-

was interrupted by the screech of a microphone, Lance Hornsby's voice ringing in her ears. "Testing, testing."

Couldn't help but glance reflexively over at the podium.

To look away.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention for a moment please?"

Worst timing in the world.

But he'd been a thorn in her side ever since coming here, so why not tonight as well?

Dismissing him, Yumiko turned back, lips parting once more. Only to find herself too late.

Magna was gone. Already faded into the crowd.

Swallowing, Yumiko closed her mouth, hand falling to her side.

She hadn't realized till then that it had still been in the air, still been reaching out, hoping to find that connection again.

But the connection was gone.

And Yumiko was alone.

Feeling more lost than she had in months.

'Oh, some things you can't go back to

'Cause you let them slip away. . .'

- Can't Go Back by Rosi Golan

A/N:

So this was meant to be out a lot earlier since it was the one chapter left that I had basically completed for the most part. Then my brain decided that it was going to be super great and add in 2000 words at the beginning - right before I was knocked off my feet by an upsurge in brain fog. I've been waiting for the brain fog to die down a little so I can proofread those 2000 words but it hasn't happened yet. So I decided to take them out so I could post this chapter. I might add them in later on in the fic as a flashback I don't know.

Also sidenote because I don't want this to be misinterpreted: Yumiko being a perfectionist isn't necessarily tied to her having OCD. You can be a perfectionist without OCD and you can have OCD and be a perfectionist - sometimes the two things will play off each other in the case of the latter (and there's also a subtype of OCD called Just Right/Perfectionism OCD; perfectionism and anxiety disorders also tend to go hand in hand). Yumiko's perfectionism stems more from trauma, as well as simply being a part of her personality. But it can also get tied up in her OCD - sometimes to a large extent. It's all a bit of an intermingled mess. Because that's how people are and that's how life is.

So much of OCD is internal and I honestly wouldn't know how to write it because the thought process is so fast, so repetitive and so long, that it doesn't really work in writing so I more pick out stray thoughts/feelings/motivations. I think if you have anxiety you know just how much of a mess thoughts can be and that there are so many of them - and so many irrational ones - that being completely true to that in fiction just wouldn't work. They don't call them racing thoughts for nothing lol.

Also, important to note that Yumiko has been in recovery for quite a long time so the disorder has a milder effect on her life than it used to. It still flares up in times of stress but for the most part she's doing well. She's not recovered in the sense that it no longer impacts her life but in the sense that it no longer controls her life.