ONE FLEW INTO THE CUCKOOS' NEST

CHAPTER 2:

FEAR AND LOVING IN LAS VEGAS

The Cuckoos, rather helpfully, filled in Harry on more of the details he had forgotten in an alcohol-heavy fog. The very luxurious room he had been was a comp, a complimentary service offered to those who gambled a lot of money, and Sirius had set aside a fairly big portion of the Black fortune for Harry to gamble away on this trip. What was more, he had won fairly big, and had been given this room, presumably to avoid gambling any further and threaten the profit margin of the casino. As it happened, this casino was owned by a Squib who used special charms to detect cheating, and whatever Harry used was no specific spell.

This they did so while soaking in a Jacuzzi. A rather large one, enough to accommodate the six of them comfortably. Though Harry was still getting used to the fact that these girls were remotely comfortable with being naked in front of him.

"When's the last time we've tried a Jacuzzi?" Esme sighed quietly.

"Three years ago," Sophie said. "Just before Magneto's latest conniption wrecked half of the X-Mansion. We snuck in. This was just after we arrived."

"Oh, that's right."

"And we're hanging out with a celebrity, at least as far as the wizards are concerned," Phoebe said.

"We're still annoyed at the whole 'permanently binding marriage' thing, but there are far worse people to be bound to," Celeste muttered.

"So…run this by me again. The last time you saw Remus, he was getting hitched to the She-Hulk?" Harry asked. "And Tonks was being led away by Nightcrawler?"

"Yes, though you needn't worry about Tonks," Sophie said. "Kurt would never do anything to her. And Jennifer is virtually nothing like her cousin. Incidentally, we'll have to hurry this up. Your chaperones and ours are coming up soon. They're worried about us."

"Okay. I just have one very important question," Harry asked.

Sophie rolled her eyes as she read his mind pre-emptively. "Yes, you did use protection. I made sure of it, drunk as we all were."

"Okay. One, thanks. Two, that's rather…unnerving, having you read my mind…especially without my permission."

"It's rather hard not to," Irma said. "Your mental defences are, well, lacking."

"And given what we saw of those Occlumency…lessons that greasy-haired bully put you through, it's hardly surprising," Celeste said.

As the quintet rose and stepped out of the Jacuzzi, Sophie bringing Harry out, and handing him a bathrobe to conceal a very conspicuous erection, Harry asked, "What do you mean? Oh, don't tell me that wasn't the way to teach Occlumency?"

"Not properly," Sophie said, as she and her sisters also dressed in bathrobes. She looked over at the others, who nodded in unison, and left the bathroom, closing the door behind them. Sophie's icy blue eyes bore into Harry's own. "Technically, what Snape did could be considered a teaching of Occlumency, but it would be a technique used to test mental defences, not to force you to build them up. He skipped the fundamentals, probably deliberately."

Harry felt his anger welling up inside. "I should have known."

Sophie nodded. "I don't know what possessed Dumbledore, but given his past…well, you've noticed that Dumbledore has a bad habit of keeping information from you and not acting in your best interest. The prophecy, I can understand. That's not something you can give out lightly. But the so-called blood wards? He could have told you after your first year, and Hogwarts would have been better protection than your family. That obstacle course in your first year? While you and your friends were lucky to make it past all that, it still seems lacking for protection around the Philosopher's Stone, save for the Mirror of Erised, though that could have been to lure Voldemort into a false sense of confidence. Having you rescue Sirius and then doing nothing to clear Sirius instead of bringing matters up in the Wizengamot…it may not have done anything, but it could have helped pave the way to his freedom."

"Are you telling me that I can't trust Dumbledore?" Harry asked, his anger growing.

"Certainly not as much as you still do." Sophie closed her eyes and sighed. "Sorry, I know this is hard, and we haven't really had much experience with using tact. You find it hard to trust us. Partly because you only just met us, and partly because, well, we've been invading your mind. We do it on instinct to almost everyone, it's a bad habit of ours. We were born as part of a gestalt, a hive mind. It's only been recently that we've started to develop any kind of individuality. We scan people's minds on instinct to make sure they're not threats. If you want, we're willing to share our memories with you. We'll even help with protecting your mind. As we're stuck with each other, we'll have to make this work. And that will have to include dealing with Voldemort at the bare minimum. We're willing to help you, Harry."

Harry calmed himself down with an effort. Oh, he was still angry. Mostly at Snape, but a little at Sophie for demeaning Dumbledore. But she had a point. Dumbledore had kept too much from Harry, and had tried to keep Harry from gaining his inheritance. "Okay. I'll give you that much for now. But…"

Sophie looked up sharply. "Ah. Your chaperones are here. Along with Kurt and She-Hulk. And Kurt's more than a little disapproving of the fact that we all got married in Las Vegas. He's a fairly devout Catholic, and he only came along to try and keep an eye on the X-Men coming over here. It seems that he let Tonks sleep in his room while he slept on the couch. Oh, and Deadpool was in his room. Marvellous."

"Deadpool?"

Sophie scowled. "The so-called 'Merc with a Mouth'. He's an insane, vulgar walking tumour, literally. He has the healing factor of Wolverine, the mouth of Spider-Man, and the insanity of the Green Goblin. Let's go out there. The initial argument's died down."

"…And while my knowledge of magical law isn't that comprehensive, Stephen once graciously lent me many books on the subject, including the laws of Magical Britain," said the green-skinned muscled woman who had to be Jennifer Walters. She sighed. "Oh well, can't be helped."

"Can't be helped?" Remus demanded. "But you know of my condition."

"And? My cousin does a lot more damage than you when he gets stressed. A werewolf's a doddle," Jennifer said with a smile. "Besides, you actually care about other people. Otherwise, you wouldn't be frightened of your condition."

The blue-furred demonic visage of what had to be Kurt 'Nightcrawler' Wagner was the first to notice Harry and Sophie emerging. His lips were set in mild disapproval, but that was about it. "Ah, Sophie, and Harry Potter, I believe," he said with his German accent.

Harry nodded. "Yeah. Sorry about this mess. I've been a fan of the X-Men for a while. Meeting like this, well…"

At this, a small smile came across Kurt's face. "Well, at least you are contrite. And if the Five-in-One trust you, well, I will trust their judgement. I am Kurt Wagner, or Nightcrawler."

"I know. It's a pleasure to meet you, even if it's under these circumstances," Harry said, offering his hand for Kurt to shake.

The demonic-looking Mutant's smile widened. "And you too."

"And I'm Jennifer Walters," Jennifer said, shaking Harry's own hand. "You probably know me as She-Hulk."

"Yes. Though I thought you were with the Avengers," Harry said.

"I came here as a favour to Professor Xavier," Jennifer said. "Plus, well, my cousin went off the grid recently. Last I heard from Tony, he was in Nevada. And if someone stresses him out, well, we'll soon know it. The Hulk tends to draw attention."

"And in other news, the ocean is wet," Tonks said, rolling her eyes.

"Kurt, are you all right with Tonks?" Sophie asked. "I mean, knowing she is a witch and a Metamorphmagus?"

Kurt shrugged. "Just because my mother had those powers doesn't make all shapeshifters a problem. Besides, she's a fan. And, thankfully, not a rabid one. Anyway, that is not what we should worry about. Remember, Emma's here. How do you think she's going to react to the fact that her daughters are now married?"

"She's reacting fairly badly," Celeste said. "We've been talking her down for the last few minutes or so via telepathy."

Esme nodded. "We've managed to talk her down to just slapping Harry in her diamond form. She originally wanted to psychically lobotomise him and physically castrate him. Both slowly."

"So, instead of being a drooling vegetable eunuch, you just get a bad bruise on your face," Sophie concluded.

"It could be worse," Phoebe added. "You could have slept with Laura. Who is Wolverine's daughter."

Harry thought of the Wolverine, the belligerent Mutant known for his healing factor, Adamantium skeleton, and three claws in each hand he could unsheathe at will. And he couldn't help but shudder. Harry got the feeling that Wolverine would NOT have stopped at castration. He'd be lucky to be alive, have any limbs or most of his digestive tract afterwards. "Still, slapped in the face by a diamond hand?" he asked.

"Our mother's done worse to others," Sophie said.

Any further words they had on the subject were lost when the building shuddered. "What was that?" Remus asked.

"Is it Death Eaters?" Tonks asked.

"Is it the Hulk?" Kurt asked.

The Cuckoos' eyes began to glow softly, before they groaned in irritated unison. "It's the Shocker," they chorused. "He's robbing the vault."

"The Shocker?" Jennifer demanded incredulously. "He's usually in New York. What's he doing robbing a casino in Las Vegas?"

"Probably staying away from Spiderman," Sophie said. "We'd better get down there, people might get hurt."

"Not without getting dressed first!" Tonks snapped.

When they got down there, thanks to Remus and Tonks Apparating them (Kurt making his own way down), it was bedlam. The Shocker had blasted open a vault, and was staring incredulously at the Dragot coins(1). "Are these things made of real gold or something?" he mused out loud. "Well, that means I can melt them down. And why did those idiots wave those sticks at me?"

"Because they were wizards, moron," Tonks said.

The Shocker whirled. He was dressed in a red and gold padded bodysuit and mask, elaborate gauntlets on his hands. And judging by the resigned look in his eyes, he recognised the superheroes present. "She-Hulk, X-Men…oh, that's not fair at all!"

"I'm sorry, we don't care(2)," Jennifer said, cracking her knuckles. "Now, are you going to come along quietly?"

Shocker sighed. "No." He then triggered his gauntlets, and they dived out of the way as pulses of sonic energy raced towards them. "Can't I just catch a lucky break this once?!" he demanded, firing blast after blast at them. "Seriously, I'll bet that if I took a holiday the French Riviera, I'd run into the Fantastic fucking Four!"

Kurt teleported behind him with a BAMF! noise, and kicked him in the back, sending Shocker sprawling towards Jennifer, who grabbed the man's gauntlets, and tore them off. "Sorry, Herman. You're not having a holiday anywhere after this."

"Petrificus Totalus," Tonks said with a wave of her wand, causing the Shocker to stiffen, and then topple to the ground. She followed it up by causing him to be bound by ropes. Tonks looked at Jennifer. "In your learned opinion as a lawyer, that doesn't count as excessive force?"

"Not by a long shot," Jennifer said with a smirk.

Remus, meanwhile, went over to one of the guards. After making sure he was all right, Remus asked, "Have the local Aurors been called?"

"No…I don't think so," the guard said as he was helped to his feet. "Bastard took us by surprise. Didn't realise it was some idiot No-Maj with weird weapons, just thought it was some kook. I thought most of that superhero shit happened in New York. The closest we've had to dealing with that normally was when Tony Stark came here once while on a bender."

Another guard, clutching his head and wincing, said, "What about that babbling idiot in the red and black jumpsuit who comes here every now and then?"

"We don't talk about him. It's like he has a Taboo curse on him," the first guard said. "He comes when you talk about him. Or even when you don't. Anyway, I'll go call the Aurors. Wait here, they'll need to question you guys…"

Charles Xavier sat in his office in the X-Mansion, his hands steepled, as he and Jean Grey had what could be vulgarly called a 'conference call' with Emma Frost. So, correct me if I am wrong, Miss Frost, but it seems that the Five-in-One have somehow managed to become wedded to one of the most famous wizards in the world. And apparently Jennifer has managed to become wed to a werewolf. And Herman Schultz had made the mistake of robbing the casino you were at.

Yes. By the time I got there, it was over. I decided to prioritize the students' safety, as Kurt and Jennifer were dealing with the problem alongside my daughters and the wizards. I'm also very annoyed, Charles.

Jean smirked. Are you sure this isn't karma biting you in the backside for having an affair with my husband within his head?

Emma snorted in a rather unladylike-fashion. I don't subscribe to karma. Anyway, if karma really existed, J Jonah Jameson would be Fin Fang Foom's bitch and Peter Parker would be Stark's biggest corporate rival by now. Anyway, my daughters managed to talk me down from dealing with Potter in a manner Shaw would have been proud of.

Just as well, Charles responded. Remember, he is an icon of Magical Britain, albeit one whom the press had badmouthed over the past year or so, in a manner that would have made Jameson proud, given his crusade against Peter. I would actually like to meet Mr Potter. Once everything is settled in Las Vegas, would you please invite them to stay here until the time comes for them to return to Britain?

Fine. These three at least are pretty non-judgemental for wizards. And Potter and the Tonks woman apparently know about the X-Men. I'll get them to come with us. Just a hint, Charles: be honest, and try not to read his mind. My daughters got a pass because they were worried about him being a threat, but one of his teachers, supposedly trying to teach him Occlumency, basically raped his mind continually. We're talking the sort of stuff you only use if necessary. The girls intend to try and help teach him how to protect his mind, but they've told me something privately, something they've detected within him.

Like what? Jean asked.

Funny you should say that, Jean. You know how you are the vessel for the Phoenix Force? They've detected something similar, another entity inside him…or part of one. Through his memories, they found he has a mental link to Voldemort. But they think it's something else. It's like he has a fragment of Voldemort's soul in him…and that's something I cannot allow my daughters to be anywhere near. So we'll need to find a way to get rid of it…

CHAPTER 2 ANNOTATIONS:

So, things have been cleared up, the Shocker got owned while trying to rob a magical casino, and the Cuckoos and Emma know about the Horcrux, even if they don't know the details.

Now, the Shocker was based more, in terms of personality and his bad luck, on his Ultimate version, though his appearance is based on his standard look. I chose him as a villain because, well, I didn't want to just choose any ultra-powerful villain. I considered Magneto, but I have it in the back of my head that he's in one of his phases where he is, if not allied with the X-Men, then at least not heading up the Brotherhood, trying to do good. And I wanted the good guys to thwart an attempted robbery at the casino, not save the city.

1. According to Pottermore, the wizarding currency in the US is a Dragot.

2. This is a PG-rated version of the exchange between Jan Valentine and Integra in Episode 2 of Hellsing Ultimate Abridged. I thought that Jennifer would rein in her language a little, instead of saying what Integra does, which is "I'm sorry. We don't give a fuck."